My period seems to be making up for the 2 & a half weeks it was late by being extra bloody. I’m soaking through a Lunapad liner about once every 4 hours and this may be a gross TMI thing but the smell of the blood is a lot like the lochia you get after you’ve given birth so now I’m paranoid I’m having a miscarriage. Blake’s had a vasectomy so the chance is pretty low, but still…he theorizes that the new anti-psychotic I’m on wasn’t at peak levels last month so that’s why my period was normal then, but wasn’t this month. I suppose that would make more sense than a miscarriage but I cannot get over how much blood there is. This isn’t normal. But then again it could just be the fact that I’m 2 & a half months late and maybe more blood builds up when that’s the case, I dunno. I’ve been super regular since I had my first period at 9 (well, it started being regular around age 12) so this lateness is just really weird for my brain to absorb.

I’m also having massive hormonal problems right now with little patience for idiots or negative people which is making work especially difficult because we tend to only get e-mails from idiots and complainers. And I don’t think I can blame this all on hormones either, I mean, if you’re just going to come around to be a negative bitch, get the fuck out of my life, y’know? I don’t need you. There seems to be an influx of people like this in my life right now and I’m getting mighty sick of it, especially from people online who only come around to be negative and say negative things. Like, why are you even here? If I’m so flawed and you so disapprove then why are you here? Why are you reading my shit? Does it make you happy to walk around feeling negative all the time, feeling a false sense of superiority? Does being smug keep you warm at night you hypocritical cunts? I suppose if that’s all ya got then I’ll leave you to it, but stay the fuck outta my way or I will mow you down because I’m not taking it anymore.

Yesterday was a really bad, bizarre day. I woke up in an absolute panic due to a nightmare (that I don’t remember now) and the anxiety it caused lasted most of the day. I felt like I had too much electricity in my body and my ears felt like they were pulsing so I took Ativan and Klonopin and gradually as the day wore on my sanity leveled out, but for a while there I was shaking and crying and had to call Blake at work to talk me down. I dunno, it was a really bizarre situation that I’m for sure going to tell my shrink about when I see her next month. It just came out of nowhere. It was also day 1 of my period so it’s possible that it was hormone-related and my shrink told me a long time ago that if a woman is heading toward a psychotic break that it’ll often manifest itself when she’s on her period because the hormones amplify things so maybe it’s the same with anxiety. I’m fine today, despite the fact that I had a nightmare about being carried off to sea in a tsunami this morning, but the memory of that is fading now. I wonder if what I dreamed about yesterday set my anxiety off subconsciously or something? I dunno man, but it was weird and I’m glad it’s over.

I am STILL reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen and it feels like it’s taking forever to get through this book. It’s amazingly well-written but it’s taken me about 200 pages to care about the characters and actually get into what’s happening. Not that I have though, I think I would consider it a good book, depending on how things end up. It’s definitely the most dense thing I’ve ever tried to read though, like wading through chocolate pudding. Every single sentence is meaty, I’ve never read anything like it. Then again, I’m not the most well-read person on the planet so what do I know? I mean, I read a lot, I always have something on the go, but it’s never like, “fine literature” I don’t think, which is what I guess this book would be. But whatever, now that I’m in the thick of it, I’m liking it very much, I care about the characters, I want to know what’s going to happen next.

Speaking of books…I’ve stopped writing Cammity Jane. I haven’t stopped for good, I just sort of lost momentum with it, but here and there I have snippets of text running through my brain to add to it, which I’ve been writing down in my CJ notebook for when I resume writing it. In the meantime, The Fiction Project is due on May 16th (Madison’s birthday!) and while I have a rough outline of the story I want to tell and the illustrations to go with it, I haven’t written a single word for it yet and I’m having trouble with the middle. I know how it’s going to begin and how it’s going to end and what it’s going to be called, but I don’t know for sure what’s going to take place in the middle yet, so Ronny and Alex are coming over on Saturday to brainstorm with me and then hopefully Saturday night I’ll write the whole story and then (again, hopefully, I haven’t asked them yet) Sunday I want them to come over and help me physically write out the story in the sketchbook the project provided. Then I have 2 weeks to do the illustrations. I paid extra for the project to digitize the book, so when that happens, I’ll of course post about it here.

The Fiction Project is run by the same art gallery that did The Sketchbook Project and A Million Little Pictures and I’ve signed up for The Sketchbook Project 2012. In fact I’ve signed both Blake and I up for it. My theme is simply “Untitled” and Blake’s is “Ask me how I can help” (I think). My artist page can be found here. I finished my camera for A Million Little Pictures (I can’t link to that because they’re building a new site for it but it’s the same idea as The Sketchbook Project; they sent me a disposable camera and I send them back the pictures) on Wild Rumpus Day so that’s done, but Blake still has to finish his before we can get the pics developed. My theme for that was “The Great Adventures of ?” and his was something like “The End of the World”.  I know he’s taken some pics, but I don’t know how many or what they were of. The deadline for that is June 15th, so he still has some time.

I was on the DeSerres website a couple of weeks ago (that’s a CDN art supply company) and found a new scrapbook paper company called Basic Grey that had these fabulous small-print papers that would be perfect for my paintings and I ordered 3 packs, all different, with the hopes of the pink ones not turning orange when I varnished them. Well this morning I finally got around to doing a patch test with them and while they don’t turn AS orange as most of the other papers I’ve tried, they’re still definitely turning orange and that fucking sucks. Hand-dyed papers from Curry’s don’t turn orange but every single scrapbook paper company I’ve tried has turned orange. And I can’t change the kind of varnish I use because I need the triple thick gloss coat to get the maximum glitter effect I get from what I use now. Plus, I’ve tried another brand of varnish and it does the same thing. The only varnish that doesn’t turn them orange is Krylon, which is not paper-friendly (it turns the papers greasy) and Liquitex, which is way too thin and won’t allow me to achieve the effect I get with the glitter. SO, in case anyone ever wondered, that’s why I have very few girls with pink dresses!

While also on the DeSerres website, I decided to buy some Delta CeramCoat paints and I feel like I total traitor because normally I use DecoArt’s Americana line, but Delta had so many more skintones than Americana and, as it turns out, their paint appears to be more highly pigmented than Americana. I’d always avoided CeramCoat because by mom’s always used Americana, she even sold it in her store, and while they definitely have better packaging and more colours, I think I’m a convert as far as skintones go. I haven’t tested every shade I got yet, but so far the results have been really good and I’m glad I made that purchase.

What else?

I’m still kickin’ ass & takin’ names at my job. Not much new to report there other than the fact that I’m getting really good at catching fraud and the bosses are obviously very happy about that. I’m not sure if I mentioned it or not but they hired a new girl who works from like, 5am-1pm which overlaps my shift and she seems okay. Slow to catch on to things at first but she’s getting better now.

We’re under a severe thunderstorm watch right now and I’m really hoping the hydro doesn’t go out because not only would I lose this post, but if it went out I wouldn’t be able to do my job and I would HATE to have to make up the hours on the weekend. I’m already leaving 2 hours early on Friday so we can get to Toronto as early as possible for the Battles show. The club they’re playing at (in?) has seats all along the right-hand side apparently and since this band attracts a lot of geeky guys, I’m afraid I won’t be able to see anything because I’m only 5 feet tall. If I can get one of those seats, I’ll be able to see everything I would think. Doors open at 7pm, but I’m hoping to be there at least half an hour early to get in the line so I can get one of those seats. I have just enough money left over from my paycheque to buy a t-shirt and I’m making Blake buy me a drink or two.

I got a Canada Post notification in my e-mail today that there’s something waiting for me at the post office and I think it’s my new bag so I’m going to send Madison down to get it when she gets home from school. I’m going to have to call Blake  to find out which PO box is actually ours because I honestly have no idea. I thought I had it written down but apparently not. If it’s not my new bag then it’s mulberry paper, but since I got shipping notification on the bag on like, Thursday maybe, I think it’s safe to assume that’s what it is. Before I move all my junk from my old bag to my new bag, I’m going to do a “what’s in your purse?” picture post because I carrying around a really stupid amount of crap around with me because I get paranoid about needing things when I’m out. Like wetnaps. Hand sanitizer. Two cameras. Etc.

Since I’m leaving 2 hours early on Friday, I’m going to have to make that time up for work on the weekend, which sucks, but it’s only an hour a day so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m so lucky to have a job with such flexible hours and understanding bosses. I’m also fortunate in that the girls I work with are also flexible and we all cover each other’s asses.

So I’m not sure if anyone caught it the other day, but it was Blake’s MOM who e-mailed me about the purple mystery flowers in my garden. Someone asked me recently how things were going with her so I thought I’d give a brief update about that: we’re working on things. Blake had a positive experience with her at the funeral for his Aunt this month and so did Madison and I know she’s making efforts with me that are greatly appreciated. We’re not best friends yet, hell, we’re not even Facebook friends, but efforts are being made and bridges are being built and I think that’s something. So to answer my friend’s question: things are going fine. Slowly but surely.

And this post is just a little over 2k words so I suppose I should wrap things up. Long story short, despite having the most wretched period I’ve had in a long time, things are going pretty great. I have a good family, nice friends and I’m not worried about money so I guess I can’t complain.

Happy Wednesday!

I’m working on so many things right now it’s actually kind of ridiculous. I’ve got another painting on the go that’s of TWO fairies so it’s double the work, I’m working on top sekrit writing project #1 (Cammity Jane), which is about half way done I think and now I’ve decided to grab another writing project off the shelf and spend the weekend working on that since Blake’s in Militiagan with Madison for his Aunt’s funeral so it’s just me and Wes.

This writing project is a short story about a fat woman and it’s bugging the shit out of me that I can’t find my notes about it. It’s a story that actually took place in a dream I had and when I woke up I wrote it all down, but now I can’t find where I wrote it down. The story is that there’s this fat woman and her kids living in a small town in the southern US when this health and exercise obsessed minister comes to town who targets this woman and her family, turns the town against her and she sits on the top porch of her house singing as they pile books and wood and other burnable things around her house because they intend to burn her alive. She sings as she’s burned alive but as she was singing throughout this ordeal, her daughter recorded her and after her death the kids put her songs on iTunes, they were a hit and the kids lived happily ever after, fat on the cash from their mother’s singing.

Don’t ask me what the story is actually all about because I have no idea. It was just a fully formed idea that materialized out of nowhere one morning while I was sleeping so I wrote it all down. The story is about half finished, the problem had been though, that I didn’t know what to make this woman sing. I spent this morning/afternoon downloading Elvis and ripping my Buddy Holly greatest hits CD and I’m listening to Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers right now for inspiration because I’m certain that she’s going to sing “oldies” but being not of that generation, I’m not all that familiar with the song possibilities. I’m probably MORE familiar with oldies than most people my age, having grown up with them, but I never paid attention to who the songs I know were by or really what the words were beyond the titles.

Oh and if you’re not familiar with Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers, this is them:

Their first album, the self-titled one, is one of my favourite albums of all time. It just has practically everything in it and I dare anyone not to be okay with it playing in the background.

Anyway, my heroine is going to sing oldies, but I have to be careful with song selection and I worry that I’m going to pick the wrong songs and wreck the whole story. :o/ But I won’t know until I try so that’s what I’m working on this weekend.

I had signed up for The Fiction Project and I have my little Moleskine notebook sitting here waiting for words and this fat woman story was originally going to be for that, but it’s gotten too long to be for that so I either have to scrap the project (likely) or think of something else. They don’t want you printing out your story and pasting it into the book and handwritten, my fat lady story is going to be way too long so I don’t know what to do. I also kinda think my writing is worth more than just giving it away for free like that, to be perfectly honest. Not my blog posts obviously, but my ideas. And I realize I just gave you all my idea for free, but…am I making any sense? I like the idea of The Fiction Project and if I had a simple idea I’d freely give it to them, but I don’t and it’s due in a MONTH! I’ve decided this year that I’m not going to get down on myself for being unable to keep creative commitments, especially ones I’ve paid money to participate in rather than ones I’ve been invited to be a part of, so I won’t feel guilty if I don’t finish that one but still…

Speaking of projects, yesterday during Wild Rumpus Day, I finished taking pictures for the A Million Little Pictures Project so that’s out of the way at least. I still have to develop them, but at least they’ll be sent on time. That one’s due June 15th, so it was the least of my worries, but my theme was “The Great Adventures of ?” and I thought Wild Rumpus Day would be good for a bunch of “wtf who are these people?’ pictures. I had all these plans to modify the camera to take macro shots and stuff like that, but I don’t know enough about photography to do fancy shit like that. My pictures were taken outside in the woods so I know they’ll turn out well, since I was just using a 400 ISO cheapo disposable camera (that was issued by the project). I paid for both Blake and I’s pictures to be digitized so you’ll see them when that happens. Like The Sketchbook Project, AMLP is going to be a touring exhibition and at least one of each person’s pictures is going to be a part of it.

Last night we went and saw Sucker Punch and while Blake really liked it, I was disappointed. I think this movie was just way too hyped for me and it just didn’t live up to that hype, that’s all. I can’t pinpoint what I didn’t like about it, just that I wouldn’t watch it twice and I don’t think I’ll be buying it on blue-ray unless Madison ends up really liking it, which I think she will. Her friend Eryn saw it last weekend and thought it was the best movie she’s ever seen, period, “even better than Forrest Gump!” so I’m fairly certain Madison’s going to like it too.

After the movie, I talked to Kevin for a bit and then we went to the grocery store to stock up on supplies so Wes and I didn’t starve or run out of toilet paper while Blake and Madison were gone and I saw these tulips, which had to come home with us:

They have to live in the kitchen though because there’s no room on my desk for ANYTHING with everything I’ve got going on right now.

Tonight I have to cover Belinda’s shift at work because it’s her boyfriend’s birthday. I have to work 5 hours and I’m going to do them between the hours of 10pm-3am which means I’m going to be having a nap this afternoon or at the very least a long nap tomorrow afternoon.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write today I think. If there’s any more, you know I’ll post later ha. I’m off to my Sims Bunker!  Happy Saturday!

This post is going to be done in bits & pieces because I’m working right now. Things are slow however, so I have some time to write.

Today is Day 3 of No Smoking and it’s a hell of a lot better than Day 1. Last night I had a minor freak out and went to the store to buy smokes, which I did, but I bought the lightest kind they had, only smoked half of one when I got home and flushed the rest of the pack. Expensive lesson, yes, but that’s what money is for. At least I know now, for sure, that it is *I* who wants to quit smoking and I’m not doing it for any other reason and that’s important I think, because I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.

Spongie*’s going to yell at me for this, but usually the first thing I do when I wake up is to go outside and have a smoke. This morning when I woke up, I wanted a smoke, so what I did was grabbed a Coke Zero and went on the treadmill for 10 minutes instead, while watching last night’s Jersey Shore. My goal for the treadmill is 3,000 steps/day, which isn’t a whole lot and just in the 10 minutes I was on it this morning, I did 1,101, so not too shabby. I find as far as speed, that “1″ is too slow but “2″ is too fast, so I do 1.8 and that’s just perfect. I’m still trying to get used to my new shoes, but I’m getting better with them as time goes on. These are my new shoes, is case anyone missed it when I posted them the first time:

Shape Up shoes are weird in that they have thick, rounded soles and they really do take some getting used to. Last night I was dragging my feet like crazy but today I did better. The point of these shoes is that I can just put them on and get on the treadmill; there are no laces to deal with and I don’t have to go find socks to wear them. They claim that they help improve your posture, tone your legs and butt and adjust your hips, but there are a ton of independent studies that show they don;t do any of those things, despite Sketchers’ own studies that say the opposite. I don’t really care about any of that, I just wanted an easy to slip on shoe where I didn’t have to hunt for socks or do up laces. And that were cute. I got all of that in these ones, so I’m happy.

Aside from the treadmill, I’m eating pretzels and popsicles instead of smoking. Rold Gold Pretzels, which are low in calories and Del Monte Real Fruit popsicles which are only 50 calories a piece. Since I’ve chosen those 2 things, I shouldn’t gain any weight from this, which is good, obviously, since I’m in a friggin’ METABOLIC CLINIC to LOSE weight!

The recreation therapist sent me this link yesterday which had some interesting facts. This one I felt was the most interesting:

Intervals increase your basal metabolic rate (BMR), causing you to burn more calories 24 hours-a-day, and intervals can make your exercise less monotonous and help the time pass more quickly.

So let me get this straight, if I do inclines on my treadmill every few sessions, it’ll boost my metabolism? Is that what that’s saying? Because I think that’s what it’s saying, I would just like clarification from someone else.

Anyway, enough about the treadmill, I am so tired right now that I just want to have a nap. I’m not sure doing the treadmill first thing in the morning was necessarily a good idea!

On Tuesday night, my mom, her boyfriend John and his son Chris, brought Wes a bunk bed, which Wes was/is all excited about. The top bunk is just a single bed, but the bottom bunk is a futon. While my mom was here, I told her that I was working on my first novel and asked her if she wanted to know what it was about. She said yes, so I told her that it’s about “the Glotch” and her reaction was interesting. More confused than anything, I think.

The Glotch was a monster I think my Aunt Sandra made up, to keep me out of the dump when I was very small. (My grandma’s property backs onto a dump/former dump that was improperly sealed.) One time they threw a sheet over the dog and said it was the Glotch, which scared the shit out of me. Anyway, the book I’m writing is largely about the Glotch and that’s all I’m going to say about it. Yes, it is “Cammity Jane”, but I’m much further in the story than I was when I left off when it was a live blog.

Madison got into the school talent show. She’s doing “The Time Warp” with her friend and she wasn’t sure she was going to make the cutoff, but they did so they’re going to be in the show. I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually see the show since it’s going to be during the day, but I’ll send her to school with my Flip and hopefully one of her friends can tape it for me. A HUGE thanks to Drunken Housecat for finding us the music! <3

I don’t know WHY I’m so tired. I could go to sleep right now and sleep for a good couple of hours. I went to bed about 10:10pm and fell right asleep. I remember waking up at 11:30pm disoriented but I fell back asleep. This morning I woke up fine, right at 9am with the birdies on my Wake Up Light.

It could be because of the Tylenol 3 I’m on…but I thought I was pretty much immune to that. Apparently not, because I’m ready to pass out. I think I’m going to take an hour break while Dott’s still working so I can lay down.

Maybe I’ll write more later.

(*At least I believe it was he who linked me to an article where doing that was very very bad.)

[MOAR HERE...]

Today was metabolic clinic day and I’ve lost 2.5 lbs and an inch on my waist. That’s 5 lbs and 3 inches lost in 2 weeks because the Loxapine I’m on to help me sleep (that’s an anti-psychotic) is giving me a total loss of appetite, but I see that as a good thing because I feel like I’m eating the way I did pre-medication. Before becoming medicated I only ate one meal and one snack a day and that seems to be how I’m eating now, with obvious results.

Today during metabolic clinic, Sherry told me and the whole clinic that she’d been reading my blog and that she found it uplifting and inspirational. I’ve heard that before, via e-mail, but never in person and it was a really surreal moment because she was so sincere about it. That made Marilyn ask for the URL to my blog, so I gave her one of my cards, but warned her, and the whole clinic, that if you come here, you’re probably going to see me naked. Marilyn said “that’s okay, we’re all girls!” which made me laugh.

And the reason they may see me naked is because I changed the Camwhores ads on my sex pages to see if I couldn’t snag any new customers from Steak & Blowjob Day (I didn’t) and I figured if I were going to put myself out there, naked to the world, those were the pages to do it.

Something that’s interesting to me about my involvement with Camwhores is that because I have those sex pages on my site and because I have a link to Camwhores in 5 places on my site, no one will link me. Other camgirls won’t link me because I’m not a pay site or even a porn site and the mixed media artists/women bloggers I know won’t link to me because of all the sex on my site. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place in regards to linkage. Not that I necessarily care whether or not people link me, very few ever have so it’s not like this is a sudden thing, I just find it interesting how the two worlds don’t mix at all and how I’m kinda stuck in the middle.

Speaking of Camwhores, here’s me today. I really need to invest in better lighting in this room, I look much cuter in person!

I just got the best text message from one of my co-workers! I can’t tell you what it said, but let’s just say that I had a really good idea for our admin side of things and he implemented it today and IT IS GOING TO MAKE LIFE SO MUCH EASIER AND CUSTOMERS SO MUCH HAPPIER! I am STOKED! Good ideas. I haz them. Just sayin’.

Soon my mom, John and Chris are going to be here to deliver Wes’ new bunk beds. The top bunk is a single bed and the bottom bunk is a futon. It’s going to be a tight fit in his little room, but we’ll make it work. He’s pretty excited about them.

And can I just mention that it’s 6pm and still way daylight out? That makes me a super happy camper. Winter’s almost gone! I looked the other day and my snowdrops aren’t out yet, or crocuses, but the daffodils are coming up nicely and should be out within about 10 days I think. And that robin is still hanging around our yard, so spring has definitely sprung in Sunnyland!

All I’ve really been doing lately is working on my two paintings (the mermaid, whose background I had to change because her pink tail turned orange when I crackled her, oops) and a pink fairy, whose background is what the mermaid’s originally was. Besides that, I’ve been steadily working on my first novel, which is about 40,000 words so far. Yes, it is “Cammity Jane” for those who were around for that and I’ve got to say that it’s coming along quite nicely. My friend Robert is editing it, my friend Charlie is critiquing it (I have to get him the new chapters still, but he’s in Mexico right now) and my friend Fuzz Decay said she’s going to lay it out nicely for me once I get to the publishing stage. I don’t know what I’m going to call it (“Cammity Jane” is just a working title, she was originally going to be a camgirl but I changed that) or what the cover’s going to look like yet but Blake says to just write the damn thing and to worry about that stuff later, so that’s what I’ve been doing. As I mentioned before, I hope to have it on Amazon by the kids’ summer holidays, but again, I don’t know if that’s realistic or not.

And that’s all that’s really been going on around here. I’d better finish this up and say goodbye because my mom and co. are going to be here any minute and I don’t want to be writing a blog post when they’re here. I hope you all had a lovely Tuesday and I’ll probably write more tomorrow.

In the meantime, have you voted for Ann Arbor’s Teen Centre Inc (Neutral Zone) in the Bank of Ann Arbor’s Sweet 15 contest yet? If not, then you should! It only takes a few clicks and it’s for charity!

VOTE HERE!

Thank you in advance! Every vote counts!

I’m a bad blogger today, of all days. The Sophia Leadership asked all of us lady bloggers to write special posts today for the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day and I had this HUGE post planned out, teaching Madison about her feminine lineage because our family is unique in that for my whole lifetime, it’s been a matriarchy, 5 generations deep matriarchy no less, but because I have to work and I have metabolic clinic today PLUS I needed the help of my mom and my cousin Haylie to map it all out (in a span of 2 days because I only found out about this on Sunday!), it’s not going to happen. Well, never say never, I may find some time to do it tonight, to the best of my ability, but it will not be the detailed, fantastic post I have in my head. That post WILL be written one day, but probably not today. In the meantime, I encourage you to check out the posts that have been written and to consider taking a look at Heather’s free e-book, “Sophia Rises: Changing the world through feminine wisdom”.

In the same vein, today is Feminist Coming Out Day, so raise the flag high, boys and girls, the world’s never going to change without you.

If you’ve been reading my blog for any great length of time, you’ll know that I’m not very good with birthdays. My own especially, but also other people’s. This year was no different, despite everyone’s best efforts.

First of all, last night Blake and I were screwing around with this pink aluminum baseball bat that I bought in the states last night and he had one end and I had the other and we were fighting over it in the dark (don’t ask why, it doesn’t matter). Long story short, I ended up getting nailed really hard with it, right above my right temple and today my head is literally mushy. My hair hurts. It hurts when I chew. We’re fairly certain I was/am concussed. I cannot deal with my emotions right now, like I have to control over them whatsoever. I woke up in much more pain today than when it first happened even and I basically spent all day crying.

I’ve been chowing down Tylenol 1 and Naproxen like it’s candy and that’s helped a little but but I think I’d be screaming if I wasn’t drugged up to the tits.

So that set up my birthday and made me a very unhappy person all day.

Then I had to go to metabolic clinic, which I really didn’t want to do because I really didn’t want to get out of my pajamas and make the time up on the weekend when I already have to work an extra 8 hours this weekend because of the time I missed for the funeral. But I went anyway. It was a module on stress and was mostly unhelpful, but at one point we had a 20 minute discussion on smoking and…

…after the class was over, I told Blake to stop at a store because it was my birthday and I’d smoke if I goddamned well pleased and I goddamned well pleased. So we had one in the car and I said I was just going to smoke today but when we got home I felt guilty and flushed the rest of the pack. Smokes are $10.25 a pack now, by the way.

After metabolic clinic I had to work for another 2 hours, so I did that and when I was finished, I told Blake I needed to sleep because all day, and this can apparently be a concussion thing, I was extremely drowsy. Like, I could barely stay awake during the metabolic clinic because the lights were off and they were doing a Powerpoint presentation. I actually closed my eyes during it a few times and kinda jolted awake.

So I slept from 6pm-7pm and then Blake went to get dinner (Chinese food), we ate, I felt sick, I took Gravol and then we did presents with the kids. Wes got me the next 2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer books for “season 8″, Madison got me a laughing Buddha cone incense holder with some incense and my step-mom sent down a small gift with Madison which included a $25 gift certificate for Starbucks, a leather journal, some neat sparkly nail polish and some lip balm. (This may or may not be common knowledge but I’m a lip balm/chapstick hoarder due to chronically chapped lips. It’s been an issue my whole life.)

Oh and before I go any further, I gained 2 lbs this week but lost an inch. This is what happens every week, I either gain or lose 2 lbs and gain or lose 1 or 2 inches on my waist but never at the same time. Also on the way home from metabolic clinic we checked the mail and the CD Blake ordered for me a while back finally came (Bossanova by the Pixies so now I have them all). The birthday card my mom sent me last Wednesday had not arrived yet, but it’ll probably be here Saturday when Blake checks the mail next.

After presents, we finished watching Big Love and then I started to watch last week’s Jersey Shore when suddenly I panicked that I couldn’t smoke again after today for a whole other year because the rule Blake and I made in the car was that I would only smoke on my birthday. So I popped 3 Ativan, grabbed my wallet and keys, put my shoes on with no socks and drove to the store where I paid another $10.25 for a pack of smokes. That’s now $20.50 for smoking today, for those doing the math.

Now Blake’s gone to bed and I’m staying up a little later than usual (I usually go to bed around 10/10:30pm) because I want to make the most of this smoking thing and also because if I’m tired tomorrow I can start work at 11am and finish at 7 because my work is flexible like that. My lungs feel like they’re on fire though and before I go to bed I’ll be flushing the rest of this pack and if I want smokes tomorrow I’m shit outta luck because I have to work and there’s no way I’m walking to the store. Plus, I’m a non-smoker again as of midnight so I’m just not going to go there again until next year.

In other birthday news, my treadmill from Charlie is going to be here this Saturday and my step-mom is taking the elliptical. To go with the treadmill, Blake bought me a new pair of shoes for my birthday, which I’m in love with. These ones:

Yeah I know, Shape Ups are supposed to be bullshit and they don’t do what they claim to do (tone your legs, give you better posture and some other stuff – I haven’t watched the DVD they came with yet) but I don’t care about that, I didn’t want them because they were Shape Ups. I wanted them because I love them and because there are no laces to do up and I don’t have to put on socks to wear them. I can throw them on with bare feet in 30 seconds, go on the treadmill for 10 minutes between answering e-mails, throw them off, continue working and repeat throughout the day. The metabolic clinic people want us walking 3k steps a day but I can only do a little less than half that just walking around the house, so my first goal for the treadmill is going to be that per day in small increments, working my way up to more and more.

Oh and Blake’s also getting my Team Canada jersey lettered with Sidney Crosby. :o) It’s at the pro-shop right now being done. I’m very excited.

Chali also got me a gift certificate for Lush, so any day now another Lush box is going to be at my front door waiting for me and I started planning both front and back yard gardens with Ruggedo yesterday.

So “stuff”wise, I made out like a bandit for my birthday and I’m very grateful for everything I got, it was just a bummer of a day and I’m glad it’s almost over.

The next thing I wanted to write about is sleep. My shrink gave up on giving me benzodiazapines for sleeping (although I’m still taking clonazepam) and she gave me an anti-psychotic instead, called loxapine, which seems to be working. She said there was a small chance that it would increase my appetite and if that happened to stop taking it but it seems to be having the opposite effect and I’m just not hungry these days.

Also helpful is this thing Kevin got me, it’s called a Wake Up Light (watch the video in that link, it’s sorta cool). I was really really skeptical when he suggested this thing but I’ve gotta admit that after a week or so of using it, it really is working. How it works is that you set it for when you want to wake up, in my case that’s 9am. So at 8:30am, the light comes on dimly and starts getting brighter and brighter until 9am when these little birdies (or radio) start chirping. I have my phone set for 9:15am and 9:30am as a back up but this week I’ve been getting up about 10 minutes before the birdies come on and it’s a totally different morning because the way you wake up feels like you naturally woke up (which I suppose in a way, you did) and you don’t hate the world because of your fucking alarm. At first I resented the birdies as much as the roosters (my phone’s alarm, which is the most obnoxious thing in the world) but now I don’t even hear them. This morning I woke up 3 minutes before the birdies because I think a part of me fears the birdies. But still, it felt like I woke up naturally so I didn’t wake up hating the world (well I did, but it had nothing to do with the birdies). I definitely recommend this Wake Up Light to anyone who has sleep issues or a hard time getting up in the morning, especially if you sleep in a pitch black room which I mostly do.

Anyway, I love the thing. It makes me a much nicer person and I cannot thank Kevin enough for being such a huge nerd for even knowing about stuff like this. And for getting it for me because he knew I’d never buy this for myself in a hundred million years.

I’m still struggling to get back into the swing of things after being in the US last week. My routine has been disturbed and when that happens, it takes me a long time to get re-acclimated. Before we got word that Blake’s grandma was going to go any second, I was actively working on Cammity Jane, which some of you know about and some of you don’t and I’m not going to re-explain it because you’ll just have to read it when it’s finished. I was going pretty full tilt on it though and I was actually really impressed with my own dedication to it because I never really finish anything when it comes to writing, especially anything good and in my opinion, this is good – or at least it’s going to be. Charlie’s helping me with continuity while I just get the story down and HOPEFULLY my friend Robert will edit my punctuation when I get it finish. (Robert, will you? I’ll even pay you to do so.) He’s an English teacher and knows more about grammar and punctuation than anyone I’ve ever met. I haven’t worked on it since we got back but I haven’t really had the time. I’m hoping to work on it from Charlie’s notes on what I have so far starting tomorrow though.

I’m also about halfway finished my Valentine girl who I really do believe is my best work to date. I’m really impressed with her and plan on not putting her up for sale. Right now she needs arms, her Valentine placards, varnish and corset stitching, then she’ll be finished. I meant to work on the placards tonight but got distracted by everything else.

So, I’m being productive, or at least I will be once I get back into the swing of things in Sunnyland and as soon as my head stops hurting, which will hopefully be soon.

One more thing before I finish this post: Charlie Sheen. Holy shit right? Check out this site, it’s hysterical. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Goodnight internets, and thanks everyone for everything. <3

Snippets from what I’m working on.
From what I’ve been working on for 6 years.

Please don’t steal my ideas.
They’re all I have. :o/

This post is going to be done in pieces because technically I’m at work, so I apologize if it’s disjointed. Just for posterity, I started writing this at 10:30am.

Last night my mom, John and John’s son Chris were here, delivering to us a new fridge and stove. We didn’t particularly need a new fridge and stove, but John had updated his and his old ones didn’t have a home, so I called dibs for the sole reason that if we included a fridge and stove with the sale of our house, we might get more money for it. I like the fridge we have (it’s the only appliance I’ve ever picked out myself, not counting the washing machine, which I picked out too, but based on the fact that it was cheap) so we’d take that one with us, but put John’s fridge in its place when we start showing the house and then tell people the stove comes with the house too. The next house we have will probably have a stove and if it doesn’t, we’re financially stable enough right now that we could theoretically buy a new stove.

I’m still not sure about the washer and dryer though. Our washing machine is only 5 years old and the dryer is old, it came with the house. So I’m thinking we’d leave the dryer but take the washer, if the new house doesn’t come with one or both.

My mom gave me a Maple Leafs puck and I started bawling. She hugged me and I almost snotted all over her coat. She said she wasn’t mad at me for not being able to stay at the Leafs game on Saturday. I feel better about the whole thing now because my mom and John being mad at me for wasting the tickets was my biggest fear. I mean, they were a gift and the best Xmas gift I’ve ever gotten at that, too, which made the whole thing sting even more.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it.

Yesterday I finished reading The Colour Purple, which I loved, but I knew I would because I love the movie. The book is different of course, but not by much, it’s just the relationships, really, that are richer in the book than in the movie. For example, lesbianism between Celie and Shug is only really hinted at in the movie, but it’s blatant and more fleshed out in the book. When I finished it, I kinda felt sad though. That book won the Pulitzer Prize when it was originally published and I’ll never write anything even remotely close to being that good as long as I live. I may write a book or two before my time is up, even if they’re published on a vanity press, but I know they won’t be at par with any of the books I love and that bothers me. The solution of course, is to do better, but I’m not sure I can. I just don’t think I’m talented enough for it.

Blake is though, but he never writes anymore. I’m half-assedly (not really) working on something, but even I can recognize it as basically pulp trash that’ll probably never see the light of day. My friend Robert is casually helping me make it better though, but I’m still only half-assedly working on it (for example, I still haven’t even read the whole thing, since I started writing it over 6 years ago; I’m reading books instead).  Blake and I are brainstorming on a writing project that I think has a lot of promise, but who knows what’ll ever happen with that. We have the kernel of an idea, a GOOD idea, but that’s about it.

Speaking of creativity, yesterday 13 new canvases and 12 x 16 inch watercolour paper arrived. The canvases I got because I only had 12 x 12 inch ones and I wanted ones that were long enough to make flying fairies and angels on. The big watercolour paper is for making girls to put on the 24 x 48 inch canvas I bought a while back. I can really only work on one project or thing at a time, for example, if I’m reading a book, that’s all I can do, if I’m working on a story, that’s all I can do, if I’m working on a painting, that’s all I can do, I can’t do any other activities – except maybe watching TV – outside of the thing I’m working on. I don’t know why this is.

Last night after I finished The Colour Purple, I started reading Room, so I guess that’s my project for the time being, although at this point it’s relegated to the bathroom so it’s possible I can work on something at the same time, but probably not a writing project. I also still have to read Robert’s book, which should probably take priority over Room.

I also want to go to Michael’s this weekend and buy up all of their glitter paper because that shit is magic and I’m terrified they’ll discontinue it. It’s cardstock encrusted with glitter. I used it on the angel’s gown that I put in my sketchbook for The Sketchbook Project. The stuff’s $3.99 a sheet but totally worth it, in my opinion. I have one sheet of every colour, but I want to get as much of it as I can for the painting projects I have planned for the year, the first of which is that giant canvas, except I can’t figure out a background for it or WHERE to work on it because it’s so big, so that’s why I haven’t done anything with it yet. I also don’t have a circle-draw-er that’s big enough to do big girls, so I have to get one of those too.  I’m hoping to find something that let’s you trace big circles, like the circle ruler I have, rather than the math kind of circle-draw-er because that leaves a pointy dent in the middle and my girls’ eyes will never be uniform if I use one of those and that’s no good. But now I have the right size paper and I’m going to be buying more glitter paper this weekend (hopefully) and then I have to figure out my circle dilemma.

~*IT’S ALMOST KWISH TIME*~

My kwish is done and is cooling on the other side of my desk. Lately I’ve been making it with only 2 eggs, cut up shaved ham, frozen broccoli (in the bottom), a touch of salt and what I call “diet cheese” because I never really looked at the package so I’m not sure what its deal really is. I think it might be made out of 2% milk instead of regular milk or something, but it has like, half the calories of regular cheese and about 1/3 of the fat. I haven’t reduced the caloric count of this type of kwish, like on paper, mostly because I’m lazy, but I know it’s a big less than the 400 calorie kwish I originally made with regular cheese and bacon.

I’ve lost 3 & a half lbs in 2 weeks just by eating kwish for breakfast and eating less junk food.

And this brings me to….the metabolic clinic I’m in.

~*THE METABOLIC CLINIC DEBACLE*~

Okay so it’s not really a “debacle” but so far it’s felt like one. Last Tuesday I had to go to the clinic for 2 hours, see a dietitian for an hour and right after that, see a recreation therapist for an hour and it was all just way too much for one day.

The first “module” of the metabolic clinic was about the metabolism and metabolic syndrome, which all of the participants, including me, have because of our medications.  Long story short, all of our metabolisms are now slow because of the medications we’re on and that has lead us all to gain weight and in some cases gain weight AND crave food where there were no cravings before. I don’t have the craving food thing but I did when I was on risperidone and olanzapine and that’s what caused most of my weight gain, along with the slowed metabolism at the same time. I know I’ve explained this before.

So the beginning of the first clinic module was introductions, which I can’t really tell you about because everything is supposed to be confidential and I’m choosing to respect that for the most part, and just telling my side of things. After introductions, which took forever because this one girl wouldn’t stop talking, Dr. D, the shrink who runs the clinic, along with 2 nurses, did a powerpoint presentation that was like an introduction to the clinic and what we’re going to be talking about, what’s expected of them, what’s expected of us. After she was finished, we took a break so the smokers could go out and have a smoke and snacks were served (not all of them healthy, I might add, which I found kinda fucked up) and also during this time, binders and pedometers were handed out. The binders contained a copy of Dr. D’s presentation, the one the nurse was going to give after the break and a copy of the next week’s (this week’s) presentation called “My Body and I”.

They told us they wanted us to keep a food journal and to wear our pedometers with the goal being 3k steps per day, which I laughed at because, yeah right…and that was pretty much the end of the first module.

Something noteworthy before I continue though, is that there was this guy in the group who was a nursing student and he kept STARING AT ME. Like, overtly. It was creepy and I don’t know what his deal was. I mean, it’s possible he’s seen me naked on the internet and that’s the connection, but whatever it was it was so obnoxious I almost didn’t go to this week’s module.

Anyway, after the clinic I had to see the dietitian who I disliked. Her whole deal was following Canada’s Food Guide, which I mostly think is bunk. She didn’t like my high protein, low carb diet and asked that I start eating toast with my kwish so that is what I’m doing to mostly humour her. I used to eat 2 pieces of toast with my eggs before, so I know it’s probably not going to hurt me, but I don’t see why it’s necessary considering I’m not hungry after eating kwish, but whatever, that’s what she told me to do so that’s what I’m doing. She told me about the “glycemic index” and therefore I’ve been eating wholegrain honey wheat toast every day after my kwish even though I think toast is disgusting and we’re even out of jam, so all I have to put on it is margarine, which is just *shudder*.  She also said that I’m not eating enough calories in a day but she got sidetracked and failed to tell me how many calories I SHOULD be eating per day. From what I’ve read online, I need 2000 to MAINTAIN weight, 1500 to LOSE weight. I usually end up eating about 1200-1300, often less, sometimes more, but on AVERAGE, 1200-1300. I usually aim for meals to be 300-400 calories and snacks around 100 (x2). I don’t eat lunch because it’s now almost 1pm and I just finished BREAKFAST. If I ate lunch a few hours from now, I wouldn’t eat dinner.

Anyway, she was boring, judgmental, holier than thou and mostly uninformative. She’d never heard of the paleo diet, she’d never heard of the Android app “Calorie Counter” where you can use your phone to scan barcodes and it’ll bring up the nutritional information and she wanted me to eat way more than anything I’ve ever read says I should. Blake didn’t like her either.

After we saw her, we had to go across the road and see the recreation therapist, which was mostly useless too. She gave me “homework”, which I’ll scan at some point, but I still have no idea what the point of seeing this woman was. She was nice, an optimist to the core but not in an obnoxious way, but ultimately useless to me, I think. I do recreation quite well on my own, I don’t need someone to help me with that. She was talking about super longterm goals, none of which had anything to do with losing weight or getting more exercise, which I appreciated, but I don’t need her help with my art goals, which is what she focused on. (Which which which.) I’m supposed to see her again in February for reasons I don’t quite understand and then hopefully I’ll never have to see her again. I mean, we’re not even going to be living in the area by the time these “goals” come around, so they’re empty goals anyway. Like, one of her suggestions was to do local art shows in the future, well for one, I wouldn’t do that and for two, where is “local”? Anything “local” is a waste of time and like I said, we’ll have moved by the time these things roll around anyway so making them and seeing this woman is just a waste of my time. In fact, I don’t even think I’m going to go see her in February, I thought the whole thing was that useless. Nice lady, but seriously not needed. I can see how other people might need her services, I just don’t.

So that was all last Tuesday. Then yoga was cancelled. (Booooo.)

This Tuesday was module 2, “My Body & I”, which was more about metabolism and really a more fleshed out version of the first one. Staring nurse boy wasn’t there, there was another nurse GIRL, so maybe we get a different one each time.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that they take our blood pressure, weight and waist measurement before each class. I won’t tell you what my stats are but this week their scale said I GAINED a lb (Wii Fit disagrees by -3 lbs) but I lost an inch on my waist. The nurse said their scale sucked and to go with what the Wii Fit said. She also said I could gain depending on where I am in my menstrual cycle and I’m only a few days away so that’s a possibility too.

My pedometer wasn’t working properly, so I had them switch it with a new one (they come from the government) but the screen was so faint I could only read the numbers if I held it at the right angle, so I gave up on it and on our way home I stopped off at Wal*Mart and got Blake and I each new ones. I’ll give the old one back to the people at the clinic.

According to my new pedometer that actually works, I average about 1500 steps just puttering around the house. I have no idea how I’m going to double that though. (And I’m not looking for suggestions either. That’ll just piss me off.) What I need is a treadmill that I can use during my newly imposed forced breaks from work. That way I could read while I walk and I wouldn’t get sweaty & need a shower after like I do on the elliptical, which I hate and will not use because of the sweat factor and the “not being able to read while doing it” factor and the “not enough time to watch something on TV while doing it” factor. Also I just hate the fucking thing and it’s mostly used as a coat rack. A treadmill I’d actually use and that’s what I wanted to get originally anyway, but the elliptical was cheaper so that’s what we got. Blake uses it occasionally and I use it never.

Anyway, blah, I don’t have the money for a treadmill so I don’t even know why I’m going on and on about it. I have no idea how I’m going to double my steps.

And that’s pretty much all there is to the metabolic clinic so far.  It’s apparently won all these awards and stuff but so far they haven’t told me anything I didn’t already know and the only thing they’ve really said to do to lose weight so far is to walk 3k steps/day. Next week and the week after, the dietitian is going to be doing her powerpoint presentations, so we’ll see what she has to say. Also included in the group is a pharmacist, who’s going to talk to us one-on-one about our medications, which again, may be helpful for some, but there’s not a whole lot I don’t know about the ones I’m on because I know how to use the internet. But we’ll see what she has to say, I guess. She seems to be the most knowledgeable out of all the “professionals” involved in this thing and drugs are interesting to me so I don’t mind seeing her even though I have very little to discuss with her.

I’m not sure what next week’s module is about but there are 9 weeks left. On Tuesdays I work 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours when I get back from the clinic and then I make up the other 4 hours by doing 2 hours each on Saturday and Sunday. I hate working weekends, it’s really starting to burn me out, but I don’t really have a choice and I’m fortunate enough to have a flexible employer so I can’t really complain. When the clinic is done, she wants me to take 1 or 2 hour breaks every day and make up 5 hours on weekends, which is what I meant by “forced breaks”. I was really upset when she proposed this and I still kind of am because working 7 days a week really is burning me out and frying my nerves, but if I need her to be flexible to do this metabolic clinic then I have to be flexible for her too. She said that if I needed a weekend I could work my normal 8 hour shift during the week and take one, but I won’t be able to do that for another 9 weeks because of the stupid clinic.

People have told me that I could have used this opportunity to get a raise, but I trust my bosses to reward me for good work done when they feel it’s time. I’ve only been working for them for 4 & a half months.

What else? Hrm…

Blake got me a card for the new hair salon that opened up in town and after the metabolic clinic ends, I’m going to make an appointment for a cut & colour and I’m going to walk there and back myself. Or at least that’s the idea. We’ll see how it goes.

And that’s really all I can think of at the moment, so I think I’m going to look at Lush stuff while I answer work e-mails.

Thanks to the purchase of “Snow Princess” (thank you!), I signed Blake & I up for A Million Little Pictures, which is sorta like The Sketchbook Project (same gallery) except with disposable cameras. Blake doesn’t know yet because I just did it but like The Sketchbook Project, I signed us both up for digitizing so everyone can see our pictures.

His theme is “Surviving the end of the world” and mine is “The great adventures of ?”

Anyone else interested in doing this? Or are doing it already?
Anyone I know do The Sketchbook Project?
Add me as a friend on the Art House Co-Op site!

EDIT: My mom pointed me in the direction of The Art House Co-Op’s Fiction Project, so I signed myself up for that one too! It’s sort of like The Sketchbook Project as well, except you’re supposed to add words and pictures to form a story. My theme is “Happy thoughts”.