I spoke to my mother yesterday morning and we filled out our registration forms together to make sure we’d be in the same cabin. We’re not taking the same classes, but I think that’s a good thing because that way we can teach each other the things we’ve learned. Last night I put down my deposit and today Blake’ll mail the registration form. Keep your fingers crossed that I get the classes I want! A lot of the spring ones are already full! (But we’re going in September.)

My first choice classes were (was?) Spirit Session on the Thursday, Pages & Paint on the Friday and Vinyasa yoga on the Saturday morning.

Spirit Session is a photography class where the teacher shows you how to use the settings on your camera. I know most of the settings on my little camera, at least enough to get by, but I have no idea how to use our Digital Rebel SLR (I don’t even understand what SLR *is* – Blake’s tried explaining it to me a few times and I just don’t get it). The Rebel is first gen so it doesn’t do video, which sucks, and technically it’s Blake’s camera. I’d really like to get a newer one of my own one day because I have a hard time using someone else’s something, know what I mean? Like I’m afraid of messing up settings or something. But at least I’ll be learning how to use it for whenever I get my own and hey, maybe I’ll find out that my little camera is enough camera for me. Who knows.

Pages & Paint is a mixed media class where I think we create two pieces. The teacher, Sarah Ahearn Bellemare, wrote a book that came out this spring, called Painted Pages: Fueling Creativity with Sketchbooks and Mixed Media that I’ve added to my wishlist and that I’d really like to get for my birthday. Blake won’t get it for me, because he already got me a Smash Book (more on that in a future post) and Smash Book accessories, but maybe my mom or someone else might get it for me. Because I’m in Squam-mode, this book is all I can think about and I read every page of the preview on Amazon and it actually looks like a pretty decent book. So many of these types of books are just basically excuses for the artist to show her work and they don’t really teach you anything. This one teaches you something, it teaches you mixed media techniques and gives you uses for mixed media elements. Like, for example washi tape. Pretend I have no idea what to do with washi tape. This book would tell me what to do with washi tape. The book just looks good and I want it, dammit.

Vinyasa yoga is vinyasa yoga. Vinyasa is really just continuous movement. Because both yoga classes take place on Saturday morning with the same teacher, I’m guessing that if the majority chooses Vinyasa, we do Vinyasa, but if the majority of people choose “Gentle yoga” then we’ll be doing “Gentle yoga”. My mom and I don’t really care either way. I put Vinyasa down for my first choice but Gentle down for my second and third.

Belinda and her boyfriend, Brian, are coming too but I’m not sure what they’re picking for classes. I know Bel wants to take Tell It, which is a writing class but I’m not sure if she actually picked it or not. When I talked to her last night, she was still just deciding whether or not to go so I have no idea what classes she ended up choosing.

I’m not totally sure what my mom picked either but I think she said her first choices were Story Scarves and Raw Matters. Story Scarves is exactly what it sounds like, you make a scarf with your story on it, whatever that may be, not like, Little Red Riding Hood. Raw Matters is a writing course.

I’m kinda getting nervous though, because as I was getting the links to make this post and as my registration envelope is sitting on Blake’s desk, ready to go out, one of the fall classes is already closed! It’s not one of the ones I wanted to take, but I’m pretty sure it was one of my mom’s choices (Gypsy Heirloom). Eeeeep! That one though, is actually off-campus at an artist’s jewelry studio, so it probably had a very small number of spaces to fill. Still, I know my mom picked that one either for a first or second choice. :o/

Before I decided Squam was a possibility, I felt out the atmosphere around Sunnyland to see where the financials may come from and a number of you said that you’d be willing to donate to the cause. I’ve decided to do a ChipIn to collect donations/birthday gifts but I haven’t set it up yet because I’m not 100% sure of how much I’ll need. I know I’ll need $1200 for tuition and $200 for gas and I know one night they don’t feed us so we’ll have to go to a restaurant and there are some supplies on the class materials lists that I don’t have (I may be able to make a “grey card”? I’m still not totally sure what that is, it’s a photography thing) and on the last day of Squam they have an art fair and I may want to purchase a book or something if the financials work out that way so I’m still working out the bugs. Another example is that we’re camping in the woods and the only flashlight I own that works is one you’d put on a keychain, so I’ll have to buy a flashlight and a pack of extra batteries (possibly, I’m not sure what we have for rechargables). I also don’t own an umbrella, which I may need if I’m taking a primarily outdoor photography class and it’s raining. I also really, really want an apron for my birthday – which is March 1st, by the way – one like this:

When I paint and I get some on me or there’s excess or whatnot, I wipe/rub the paint into the arms of my chair because it’s canvas and soaks it right up. Not only am I getting a new chair eventually, likely within the next year because mine’s kaput, but when I go to Squam, I won’t have my chair. I need to get in the habit of wiping the paint somewhere else, that’s not my pants (I’m bad for that too) and I also could use an apron for when I’m splatter painting so I’m not ruining perfectly good t-shirts. I wasn’t really sure where you even buy aprons, but I went to the Curry’s website and this one looked pretty good for only $7.99. Canvas is good. White’s not my colour, but it wouldn’t be white for very long, I suspect. Anyway, I want it and that’s just an example of the little things I’m going to have to buy for this trip – oh, bug spray’s another one – that I’m going to have to sit down and think about before I’ll know the financials. Believe me though, you guys will be the first to know once I figure it out. OH! I’m also going to need a passport or an enhanced driver’s license to get across the border. I think a passport’s $80, not sure about the license. I’ll get whatever’s cheapest I guess. I still maintain that I’ll be able to get over the border just fine with a license and a birth certificate, but my mom insists that I have exactly what is needed to go to the US as dictated by the border patrol’s website, which I haven’t had a chance to look at yet.

Thank god this is 9 months away, there’s so much to do! Lists to make! Things to acquire! BUT IT IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!

My mom asked me yesterday – and I think it was a totally legit, fair question – how my agoraphobia was going to factor in and I told her what my shrink told me a couple of years ago when I asked her the same thing in regards to Touched By Fire, she said that if I’m in a place where my role is defined, I’ll do better than in a place where it is not. For example, at Touched By Fire, my role is “artist” so I know what I’m supposed to do and what’s expected of me but at the Leafs game last year, my role is NOT defined or is defined very loosely, so I can’t function. As far as Squam, my role is “artist” and “student”, two things I’m very good at, so the agoraphobia shouldn’t be a problem. There will definitely be some social anxiety but I have good drugs for that and my mom and Belinda will be there so I should be fine. And I’m like a dog, I like car rides (as long as the person driving isn’t a maniac) and I’ve driven to NYC from here like, 40 times which is the same distance, so I’m not worried about it. I *am* a little worried about being tempted to smoke with my mom smoking in the car and this trip being a little bit stressful, but I figure I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Plus, Belinda wouldn’t let me smoke anyway and my mom won’t want to share, so I’ll probably be fine. By the time the trip rolls around, I’ll have been a non-smoker for 17 months, if I did the math right (I quit in May 2011, the trip is Sept. 2012).

It’s going to be a really good time, I think. It’ll be September so it won’t be too cold (unless you’re a wuss) but I don’t think we’ll be going swimming. I’m going to bring a bathing suit just in case though. I’m also going to bring a travel mug for tea and I’m going to get my mom to bring her electric kettle for tea in the cabin. I’m going to bring two cases of Diet Coke (the cabins have ice boxes, but I don’t know how big they are – doesn’t matter, I can drink room temperature Diet Coke) and a water bottle for water (duh). I drink a LOT, I dunno why, I’m just *always* thirsty. My mom got me this kickass cup that looks like a take-out cup from Starbucks, but it’s NOT the one from Starbucks, it’s BETTER because it’s MAPLE LEAFS and I love it. It’s for Diet Coke from the bottle though so I won’t be bringing it with me. I need cans so they’ll be more portable in a backpack. The one class, Pages & Paint, they want you to bring your favourite colours of paint so, money permitting, I’d like to get my favourite colours of paint in the Martha Stewart line. Black & white are fine with what I’ve got (Americana) and I have a few colours of Martha’s but I’d like to have some more to bring with me because it really is just excellent stuff. In the pictures on the Squam site, they’re all using Golden acrylics which are very very expensive. They’re the best, but I simply cannot afford that paint. I’ve been using Americana since the beginning but now that I’ve used Martha’s paint, I’ll never buy another bottle of Americana as long as she keeps making paint – it’s that good. I’d like to try her crackle medium to see how it fares against DecoArt’s Weathered Wood, which I’ve also used since the beginning, and she’s got some other mediums I’d like to play with as well, but that I don’t necessarily need for Squam. All I need for Squam is about $25 worth of colours, if they’re on sale. OH! ANd I’m going to have to bring all of my glitter of course – which I will gladly share with anyone who would like any because I have TONS and sparkle is just meant  to be shared!!!

When we were at my mom’s for “second Xmas”, she put out her cheese ball (gross!) with all kinds of crackers and stuff to spread it on and one of the things she put out were Ritz Munchables Pretzel Crackers. That’s the US site and I guess they have “buttery” and “cheesy” flavours but we have “original” and I think Blake said they had “sour cream and onion” or “ranch” or something like that at the store too. Anyway, the ones my mom got were “original” and they were amazing. Between the 7 of us, we easily polished off the entire box and last night Blake went to the store and brought home a box and between yesterday and this morning, I’ve eaten almost the whole box BY MYSELF. They should rename these things to Ritz Pretzel Crack! They’re hard to describe, you really just have to try them. They’re like Ritz crackers, they’re buttery like a Ritz, but they’re made out of pretzel dough so the outside is crunchy like a pretzel and they put coarse salt on top of them. They’re fucking GREAT. 18 thumbs up.

At 2pm today I have to have a root canal that’s apparently going to take an hour and a half to complete. :o( Nothing more to add to that except that it sucks. :o(

I feel like there was something else I wanted to say but I can’t remember what it is so I guess I’ll just end this post here and make a new post if I remember what it was.

OH! Now I remember!

I e-mailed Magic Pony/Narwhal Gallery on Wednesday I think. Here’s what I said:

—————————- Original Message —————————-
Subject: Hi.
From: “S. Crittenden” <Sunny@SunnyCrittenden.com>
Date: Wed, January 11, 2012 1:55 pm
To: contact@narwhalartprojects.com
contact@magic-pony.com
————————————————————————–

Hello there!

My name is Sunny Crittenden and I’m an artist living just a bit north of
Barrie.

In December I was in the art show Touched By Fire at Cooper’s Fine Art
Gallery and there I sold my painting entitled “Black & White”. This is it:

http://www.sunnycrittenden.com/gallery/main.php?g2_itemId=7319

It was at Touched By Fire that I met Colette French, the gallery’s
director, and she told my husband to call her once the holidays were over
because she had a space in mind for my work. That space was Magic
Pony/Narwhal Gallery.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never been to your space before and I rarely venture
into the city. I’m agoraphobic so I rarely venture into my own town of
2,000 people! However, your websites look interesting and I agree with
Colette that my work may fit in quite well. I was wondering what you might
think?

Here is the gallery of my work:

http://www.sunnycrittenden.com/gallery/main.php

Unfortunately my paintings don’t come across well in photographs because
they’re very very sparkly. I’m no photographer so I have no idea how to
photograph them as they are, so instead, I’ve taken a few short videos of
them, which show their sparkles better. Here they are:

1. http://youtu.be/IVsMx04gmb4
2. http://youtu.be/Ndudc9kjknc
3. http://youtu.be/zjVIUIhn-yU
4. http://youtu.be/_cDL-nPvLaI

Colette said that if the pictures and videos weren’t convincing enough,
that she would be willing to bring some of my pieces to your shop herself
to see what you thought.

I am brand new to the art world. I’ve just been selling my paintings on
Etsy for the past few years and this is my first time trying to sell/show
them outside of my own website and Touched By Fire. I’m not really sure
how this all works.

Thanks for your consideration,
Sunny Crittenden

Magic Pony hasn’t gotten back to me, but I got a nice rejection letter from Narwhal Gallery last night:

—————————- Original Message —————————-
Subject: Re: Hi.
From: “Narwhal Art Projects” <contact@narwhalartprojects.com>
Date: Thu, January 12, 2012 7:57 pm
To: sunny@sunnycrittenden.com
————————————————————————–

 

Hi Sunny,

Thanks so much for your email and for sending us some
of your work. At the moment we aren’t taking on any new artists as we’re
fully booked for the next couple of years – however we’ll make sure to
keep an eye on your website for future consideration. Good luck with
your artwork and all the best!

Kristin

Sooooo so much for that! But there may still be the possibility of Magic Pony maybe? I’m not sure if the rejection was JUST from Narwhal or if it was from both and I’m not sure if I should ask or if I should just leave it and wait for a reply and then if I don’t get one, I get Blake to call Colette to see what we should do next? I have no idea how this stuff works. And who knows, maybe Colette doesn’t have any other ideas either. It’s too bad though because I really do think my stuff would fit in well at Magic Pony. :o/

Okay I think that’s all I wanted to say. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Peace oot! <3

What an obnoxious, mixed up kid. *shakes her head*

My mom’s still not sure if she can go and it’s driving me mental because I literally cannot think of anything else. I figured out WHY though. It’s because I’ve never been to camp. Especially art camp. In grade 5 or 6 I my teacher told me I should go to the school district’s summer art camp and she said that if we couldn’t afford it, the school would pay for it. I don’t remember WHY I wasn’t allowed to go, just that I was told I couldn’t and that was the end of that. I have a feeling that the reason I couldn’t go was that my mom was too proud to take the school’s “charity”, but I can’t be sure. Either way, I didn’t go and it’s been a sore spot in my life ever since. And that’s why I’m fixated on Squam. I think.

I’ve *scoured* the Squam website and I’ve learned that the spring session is more for textiles and knitting while the fall session is more for painting and art journaling. Obviously the fall session sounds like I’d get more bang for my buck. I don’t knit or crochet and I’m not all that interested in learning how. Or at least I don’t want to spend $1200 to learn how.

I said to Blake tonight that it’s a shame I didn’t know about Squam when I was filling out my grant application because this is exactly the kind of thing they would want to pay for. If I don’t get the grant this year and I don’t get to go to Squam this year, I’m definitely putting it in next year’s application.

Have I written about my New Year’s resolution yet? I forget but I don’t think I have. At least not here anyway.

I’ve never really made a real resolution in my life but this year I’ve kinda made two of them. One’s more concrete than the other one though.

The first is that when I finish a painting and i go to take pictures of it for Etsy, I’m going to have a shower, wash my hair, get dressed up, do my makeup and then take a picture of myself – in the kitchen probably – holding the painting or standing beside the painting, and that’ll be the picture you guys see when I promote the Etsy listing for the painting on my site and Live Journal.

The reason I’m doing this is because at Touched By Fire, they had these roaming photographers and one of them approached me and wanted me to stand beside my painting so she could take a picture of me. They put the picture up on Facebook and it is HORRIBLE. It is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. And the main reason for that is because (well because my hair fell out) I look extremely uncomfortable and really, I am one of those people who are really uncomfortable at the end of someone else’s lens. My resolution is to (hopefully) remedy that by taking pictures of myself and getting used to the camera again.

Also, I don’t do much pampering these days. This will probably gross some of you out, but I only change my clothes once every 3 days or so. Same with washing my hair. Because of the GIANT WOUND IN MY STOMACH I can’t really have showers or a bath with more than 3 inches of water, so I clean myself up with baby wipes the best I can and wash my hair by hanging my head over the tub. I can have a shower if we dress my wound with drape, but drape’s expensive and they don’t want to order me any more since I don’t have a vac anymore and the Hypafix tape they use works well enough, you just can’t get it wet. So Blake and I have stashed the last of the drape away from nurses’ prying eyes and we use it very very sparingly so I can shower every now and then.

Anyway, part of the point of this resolution is so I make more of an effort with myself to actually look semi-attractive and to actually wear some of the gorgeous clothes Charlie has bought me over the years, even if it’s not a special occasion. Big belly be damned.

So that’s resolution #1.

Resolution #2 is just to be more open to having friends and Squam is (hopefully) going to be part of that. I don’t know if you guys know this *cough cough* but I’m actually kind of a snob. Blake says I hold people to an impossible standard and considering I have like, 3 friends, only 2 of which I actually see on a regular basis, I think he’s probably right. But the thing is, I don’t want just any friends, I want ART FRIENDS. So that’s where Squam comes in. That’s where I can make art friends.

Okay it’s 6am and I’m getting tired again. Time to go sleep for a few more hours. I’ll pick this back up when I awaken.

~*SLEEP ZzzzZzzZzzzzZzzz*~

So I slept from about 6am to 9:30am and I am still so damn tired. It’s weird; on a day to day basis, I don’t feel sick, because really I’m not that sick, but I get tired pretty easily and it takes me longer to recover from outings than it used to. We went to my mom’s cottage on Saturday to have Xmas with her and it wiped me out. I think I’m still recovering from that and that’s why I’m so tired right now.

Here are pictures of my mom and Madison crushing up peanut brittle to put on ice cream:

In case I haven’t mentioned it recently, I really really love my mom. I also really really love Madison so naturally, I really really love these pictures.

After they all had ice cream, my mom and I sat at the kitchen table talking about Squam while Blake and John and the kids played Guitar Hero. Chris, John’s 17 year old son, is fucking amazing at Guitar Hero. He’s had minimal practice, he says, and he can play pretty much anything on “expert” pretty perfectly and without really even trying. Maybe that’s not amazing, maybe it’s something other people can do, but I’ve never seen anyone as good at it as him (excepting maybe YouTube vids), especially people who don’t even really play it all that often.  The only people I’ve seen who are really good at the game are people who practice and know the songs, he just picks up the guitar, picks a song he doesn’t even know, like one that was cool before he was even born – like WINGS for fuck sakes – and can just play the hell out of it. If I knew him better, I would have made a video of him playing to show you guys, it really is impressive. And while I’m on the subject of Chris, I have to say – and I’ve thought this since the first time I met him – he is a REALLY good kid. He gets along so well with my mom and John, they’re just this cute little family of 3, and I dunno, it just kinda warms my heart seeing them interact. They have their inside jokes and they all seem to close. I really hope John and my mom get married one day. I’m not sure why I care or anything but I think I would enjoy an event celebrating their love, as retarded as that sounds.

Anyway, I’m trying to convince my mom to go to Squam.

How I found out about Squam was that stupid timeline ticker thing on your Facebook feed, the thing on the right-hand corner that shows you what your friends are up to. My mom’s friend Jamie posted that she wanted to go to Squam and that she was putting it out there in the universe to set her intention or something like that and my mom mused that it would only take 10 hours to drive there (it’s in New Hampshire) but that she’d have to be able to smoke in her truck. So I saw this thread and looked up the Squam site to see what it was all about and the more I read, the more I wanted to go. Not being Jamie’s friend, I couldn’t comment on the Facebook thread, so I didn’t bring it up to my mom until I was there on Saturday.

When I brought it up to my mom, she was like, “I wasn’t serious!” and I was really let down because when I read it, I kinda thought she and Jamie were sort of planning to go. I thought it was a real possibility. Now that I’ve brought it up to her as a possibility (and Jamie probably couldn’t go, she has 3 little kids at home who need her), she’s considering it, but I have a feeling she may only be humouring me and taking pleasure in the fact that the longer she takes to decide, the more mental I’ll go. I dunno, that’s just the vibe I’m getting, like she doesn’t really see going as possible at all whereas, I don’t really see why not.

Blake really wants me to go and he wants me to go with my mom. He thinks it’ll be very good for me and he thinks it’ll be very good for my mom and me. I’m not trying to manipulate my mother, who is likely reading this, by saying this, but I think it would be good for us too. Last year was really fucking shitty and I think I need this. I think she needs this too. Blake is so convinced that I need to do this that he’s willing to come with me, if my mom won’t go, and sleep in the car for 5 days if necessary. (It’s $800 to sleep at the camp without taking classes and we just don’t have that money. We don’t have the money for a hotel either. Technically we don’t have money for Squam at all, but I’m hoping to maybe have some of it paid for for my birthday, some of it through either sales or donations on my site and the rest will go on Visa.) I’d much rather go with my mom and have the full girly experience but if Blake has to take time off work and sleep in the car, then I guess we’re willing to do that too. It’s in September, it’s not like it’ll be really cold or anything.

Today was the first day of registration and I’m afraid that if we don’t sign up right away, there won’t be any spots left for us in the classes we want or maybe even at all. I don’t know how many the camp sleeps but in the one group photo I saw of everyone in one session, I counted 105 people which seems like a lot to me. The camp is pretty big though, if I read the map correctly.

My friend Belinda is also planning on going, possibly, so that’ll be good too. She’s a fantastic artist and she wants to take some of the same classes I want to take, so at least I won’t be alone for some of them. I’m not sure what my mom wants to take.

Speaking of my mom, she’s determined to start selling on Etsy this year and I’ll be pimping her like crazy because she’s just so goddamn talented and you guys are going to love her stuff (OR ELSE!). She mostly paints decorative items of the primitive country variety. Lots of antiques. Lots of snowmen and crows and flowers. Painted furniture, painted brooms, glassware etc. She does it all, really. Anyway, stay tuned for that!

Well, I think I’m going to read the rest of the stories from people who have been to Squam and call this post done. I started reading them last night but I got tired and never ended up finishing. I’m interested to know how the food is and I want details dammit, so I think I’m going to Google and try to find some unbiased accounts of people’s time there. Obviously the ones on the Squam site are all glowing reviews. I’m also going to Google the teachers of the classes I want to take to learn more about them. To say I have “Squam Fever” would be an understatement.

So, Blake’s going to make me a fast fry steak and some peas for some much-needed protein and I’m going to read and then I’m going to have a well-deserved nap.

Have a lovely Monday afternoon, boys and girls! <3

Did she ask you for it? Did she ask you twice?

So I wanted to update you guys on the “sleep rape” advice column situation. My friends Jade and Scott e-mailed The Star too, to complain about the column and Scott got this reply via e-mail, which is exactly what we all hoped would happen:

“Thank you for your comments which I’m taking very seriously.

I also take my responsibility in this column seriously and understand that many questions are a cry for help. With this woman, I pointed to broader problems, but she needed more acknowledgement of what really happened, and guidance towards ongoing help. I apologize to all of you who expect better of me, and am offering that apology in the Toronto Star newspaper in their next Life edition (Friday, I believe).

I have written the following:

“In many jurisdictions, including Canada, having sex with someone without their consent, even if the person is a spouse, is legally considered a sexual assault of rape.

Your husband is wrong in his belief and abusive in his behaviour.

Your fears for your safety indicate major, worrisome problems in your marriage….if he believes he can do as he will with you, it follows that it’s possible he’ll justify and commit further abuse and violence against you.

Only you know if there’ve been signs of this before. You can still report the sexual assault to the Police, and have your husband learn the hard way that he committed rape. Or, if you believe it’s one incident and he doesn’t “get it,” you must insist on his getting counselling, for your own reassurance, and even as a condition of staying together.

You also need to think through your entire situation and future safety, with the help of professional counselling, which you can seek through the courts if you have him charged, or local community services.

If you feel stuck in an unsafe marriage, you can go to an assaulted women’s crisis center (without his knowledge), for a safe plan for leaving him.”

Again, thank you, as a reader, for taking the time to write about this, and for caring.“

So yay! Justice! Good job, team! This is what she should have written in the first place!

“Q: My husband said that while I was fast asleep one night he had intercourse with me. He thinks it’s acceptable since I’m his wife. I feel it’s almost the same as rape. It’s my right to go to sleep and know nothing will happen to me. I should be able to feel safe.

To do that without a person’s consent while they are unaware surely can’t be right. What do you think?

Curious

A: If having “sleep sex” with your husband feels so unsafe, you have bigger marital problems going on. This is what you should be dealing with, more than this one incident.” – The Toronto Star’s sex advice column, December 25th, 2011

You know what to do: publiced@thestar.ca, city@thestar.ca, lettertoed@thestar.ca, ellie@thestar.ca

HAHAHA Blake: “Are you watching videos of Alex again?“

I have an ingrown toenail that is so pusy and nasty and painful that I just want to chop my toe off and be done with it. It’s my own fault, when I cut my toenails about a week ago I cut too deep by accident and knew it was going to turn ingrown. It fucking hurts.

I also didn’t have dinner last night because I knew if I did, I’d throw up. My “mind over matter” dealie isn’t working so well these days. I *am* almost 6 days barf-free but over the past 2 days I came pretty close and I don’t know if I can keep this up. I guess my mental powers just ain’t what they used to be. Then again, if I don’t believe in those powers, they won’t work, so I should probably be a little more positive about it.

So none of you probably noticed because you all saw the post earlier in the day, but I’ve removed yesterday’s post entitled “Sweet Child o’ Mine” because Madison got mad at me for posting her note. She wasn’t mad that I showed the whole world, she was mad that it was an image that people could save and potentially print out and bring to school to tease her with. Her friends don’t really come here but she was afraid of that scenario. She said that if I could figure out a way to leave the post up but make it so people couldn’t save the pics, I could leave it up, but as you all know, that’s not possible, which is a shame because I think that was a good post. I saved it as a PDF so I could print it out once we have black ink again, though, so it’s not exactly lost forever, it’s just not public anymore.

Anyway, total lapse in parenting judgement. I’ve apologized and promised that I wouldn’t post publicly about her sexuality again, especially in a savable format. We’re good.

I wish I could post publicly about how everything went down with her last night because I think it was very interesting but since I’m banned from speaking of her sexuality I can’t really go into details. I understand her reasons for being upset, and again, it had very little to do with you guys and more to do with people from her school, and I respect them. If she were an adult, I probably wouldn’t because don’t tell me shit if you don’t want it on the internet (unless you specifically say “don’t post this”, which I do respect, or unless it’s really obvious that it shouldn’t be public) but she’s a kid and has the right to grow up with a little privacy. Note that I said “a little”. She is unfortunately my daughter and I put everything on the internet that happens in my life from the mundane to extraordinary and sshe’s a part of my life so there’s going to be some cross-over. I’m not just going to write around her.

I explained this to her and she seemed fine with it. It was mostly the sexuality thing and who she likes (which I know I didn’t mention but I do have a video teasing her about someone we thought she was crushing on last spring that she hated but I didn’t know until last night because she didn’t tell me) because those things can come back to her at school if it falls into the wrong hands. And like I said yesterday, she’s already being teased at school, to a much higher degree than she let on before, and it breaks my heart so I won’t do anything to knowingly contribute to it.

So that’s what happened to the post, more or less.

Before I apologized, she was really mean to me and made me cry, which was a bad move on my part. Now that she knows she has that power, she’s going to use it as she gets deeper into the teen years and the shitty part is, I can’t control myself. I can’t not cry when someone’s being mean to me. I’m an extremely sensitive person and I cry a lot. I cry if the store’s out of ketchup chips. I cry if someone shows me a video on how Chicken McNuggets are made. I cry when celebrities die. I cry when Blake yells. I cry when Wes tells me about when he saw me at St. Mike’s and I was “sleeping”. I cry when “Creep” by Radiohead comes on my iTunes.  I cry for really stupid reasons, especially when I think people are mad at me or they’re being mean to me. Blake’s like, “it’s only going to get worse as she gets older” and I just cried some more because Madison’s never been mean to me before. She’s never gotten mad at me before. She fights with Blake all the time and gets made at him and that’s just their dynamic, they butt heads and scream at each other for a while, then Madison goes to her room and Blake goes to his desk and a couple of hours later Madison comes out and pretty much acts like nothing even happened, which Blake doesn’t let her get away with, they discuss whatever it was calmly at that point, but it always turns out okay.

Yesterday Madison made me cry, twice, and didn’t even apologize for it after everything was fine and we were back to joking around and being normal.  She was indignant, she was like “good” while I was crying, even though she didn’t say that. That really bothers me.

It getting worse will absolutely destroy me and I’ve been crying all morning just thinking about it. :o( Okay I’ve only been up for an hour, but I hit the ground weeping. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through her teens if this is how it’s going to be. She’s just literally, in the 13 years she’s been alive, has never gotten made at me before, she’s never lashed out at me, she’s never said anything mean. That’s not how we are. Or that’s not how we were.

Don’t get me wrong, even after she saw I’d posted the note and before I apologized, she was still telling me all about school and the kids in school and who she liked and was acting totally normal. She took the opportunity to be mad at me and ran with it to see what it tasted like and I think it tasted good. She’s been testing the waters with me a little bit the last few weeks, like saying “no” if I ask her to bring me a bottle of water from the kitchen or to recycle my old ones or to grab me an apple while she’s in there or whatever. She plays it off like she’s joking but she’s kinda started taking it too far and I can’t really explain in text how she’s testing the waters, it just feels like she is. Blake thinks the same thing.

Other than that, we’re totally fine. Blake tweeted this weekend, “I think that Madison and @SunnyCrittenden sitting around shooting the shit is just about the cutest thing ever.” and he mentioned somewhere else that it was “heartwarming”. I don’t/didn’t really understand what he meant because Madison and I were just being normal, this is how we are after school every single day, but I guess he doesn’t see that because he’s at work. Madison and I have talked after school about everything under the sun since she started school, pretty much, so it’s totally normal for us, but again, he just doesn’t see it. I don’t know what was different this weekend, but something was and he noticed and he mentioned it. He also said that it “warmed his heart” that we went into my office and watched The Muppet Movie together while I made art because, to him, Madison and I don’t do that together. But the thing is, after school we do, we’ve watched many an Oprah episode after school together and now on Thursdays we watch Extreme Couponing together. (That show is AWESOME.) Since I got sick, I don’t go in my office that often so we don’t watch as much TV as we used to, but obviously we still do it because we did it on Sunday and last Thursday with Extreme Couponing. In fact she stayed home from school that day to help me deal with a new nurse because I just couldn’t deal with her by myself (and rightly so, she was pretty gross and I hated her touching me :o(). Today after school, Madison is going to the pharmacy to pick up the drugs for me that Blake forgot to get on Sunday because he worked all weekend. She’s a GOOD KID, she just has this streak of malice now that I don’t know how to deal with.

And it bugs the hell out of me that she doesn’t believe me that she’s a good kid when I tell her she is. Maybe I should write her a note. I mean, she helps out around the house a LOT and for no allowance because we can’t afford allowance anymore, she runs errands, she’s constantly asking me if I need anything and both kids understand that walking is difficult for me, so they both grab me water from the fridge and stuff like that and they seem happy to do it. Sometimes (not often) I say in the living room where everyone is, as a joke, “the next person who gets me an apple gets a kiss!” and all three of them will literally fight over who’s going to do it, like they all run to the kitchen to get the apple. The ONLY thing I know for certain in this life is that my family REALLY loves me. Like, to an abnormal degree I think.

So then how could she be so mean to me? I don’t understand. Blake tried explaining it to me as there being reactions that come from the (logical) brain and reactions that comes from the (illogical) heart but I still don’t get it. I could never be that mean to her. I’m the one always sticking up for her, I’m the one always in her corner.

I guess all there is to do is to try and grow a thicker skin. Blake says I need to try as hard as I can next time not to react when she tries to hurt me and he guarantees that there will be a “next time”. I’m not so sure about that, but he’s probably right about the thicker skin thing, just in case. I just don’t think I’m capable of it.

Enough about that.

Last night I watched a movie called “The Switch”, which starred Jennifer Anniston, who I think is SO pretty and Jason Bateman who I think is a dork. Juliette Lewis and Jeff Goldblum were also in it and Juliette was really great. Jeff, not so much. Anyway, it’s about an artificial insemination gone awry and it’s a romantic comedy, which I’m a sucker for, and I expected it to be really awful as most rom-coms are but it was actually pretty decent and do you wanna know why? It’s because it was based on the short story “Baster” by JEFFREY EUGENIDES (!!!!!!) who is probably my favourite author in the whole wide world. He wrote Middlesex and The Virgin Suicides and a new book that I forget the name of but Blake’s getting it for me for Xmas. Something about a marriage or a divorce or something, I honestly didn’t read the jacket, I just saw the name and basically screamed in the middle of Chapters because I love him so much.

Right now I’m half-assedly reading Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs which is kinda cool because of its gimmick (the story is written around strange photos that were supposedly “found”, but I’m not so sure – the photos are interspersed throughout the book) but the writing is kinda “meh”. The story is kinda “meh” too. And actually now that I think about it, the writing sounds like I’m reading a blog, which I don’t really mind but I read a lot of blogs and I want more from a book. Apparently they’re making this book into a movie and I have no idea how that’s going to work.

Speaking of movies, The Help comes out next week on DVD and I have to have it. If anyone was going to get me anything for Xmas, that’s the thing. It’s on my wishlist. Just sayin’…(I hate that term and I can’t believe I just used it, but it fit…)

Here are scenes from my bed from yesterday:

Wes gave me a bat ring for Halloween. It’s one of my prized possessions. :o)

My empty Tylenol #3 bottle.
I always keep them so I know when I can refill the prescription because I only get 100 pills every 30 days so I don’t become an addict (probably too late).

Wes’ picture from the dentist last year.
His hair IS tinged pink in this pic, it’s not  a trick of the light.
I just realized that it’s weird that its for the DENTIST and he’s not showing his teeth.
They probably wanted him to, but he probably politely declined.
That’s just how he is.

This is my extra special snowflake mug.
Blake got me a set of 4 from Caribou Coffee when he was working there like, 10- years ago.
This is the only survivor. :o/
It’s getting old and I need a new one but I haven’t been able to find a suitable replacement.
It’s stained on the inside and the inside also has a whole bunch of fine cracks.

I’ll be very upset if anyone breaks it.

Yesterday Blake called me from Shopper’s Drug Mart and told me that Isopure Plus (my protein drink that I need so I don’t die of malnutrition) was on sale for $3.50 off, which is a very big deal because the stuff’s $15 + tax for 6 bottles which is very expensive for us and he wanted to know if I thought he should get 2. I said yes. I wish we had more money so we could get more than 2 because that’s a really good deal and we should probably stock up. :o/ It’s NOT a good deal if we have to put it on Visa and pay interest on it, so that’s why we only got 2.

Today is a grey, rainy, depressing day. I really really hate fall, especially right now when we’re in the tail end of it; when the leaves are all off the trees and soggy brown muck on the ground and it’s cold enough to see your breath but there’s no snow. I love rain when everything’s green, but when everything’s brown, it just depresses me. Also, I just don’t get outside enough. I want to be outside, I just don’t know what to do out there.

Did you know that a serving of cashews (1/4 cup, which isn’t a lot) has 9g of protein? Learn something new every day. The chicken bowl steamery microwave thing I’m going to have for lunch is like, 18g of protein. My mom found an online protein calculator and she says I need 44g of protein per day. I’ve been doing some research of my own and I read that if a person is recovering from a surgery or an accident, they should actually DOUBLE their protein intake because their bodies are working extra hard to heal themselves.

My wound is almost healed and while my guts are swollen and unhappy, I can’t exactly heal them, so I say I should split the difference and that I should aim for 66g. There’s no way I can eat that much in a day without gaining a ton of weight and there’s also the puking thing to consider, but I can come close with the Isopure Plus (18g of protein) every day. I got Blake and Madison to try a little bit of the Alpine Punch flavour last week and Madison said it tasted like medicine and Blake just said he thought it was pretty good. I agree. The texture is a little weird and takes some getting used to (it’s more dense than water or juice) but after that it’s actually pretty good. Blake got me grape this time and everything I’ve read says that that one’s the best flavour so I guess I’ll see later tonight.

Even though Isopure Plus is designed to be easy on tummies, I find that if I drink it too quickly, I feel really really sick, so I have to drink it in little sips across a span of an hour or more. If it gets warm, I have to put it in the freezer to cool it back down, because it’s pretty gross when it’s room temperature.

Anyway, I’m very pleased with the stuff.  I just wish it wasn’t so goddamn expensive.

Okay I think it’s time to go into my office where I can’t see the grey day, watch some bad movies OnDemand, eat my chicken bowl steamer thing and then work on this sketchbook. I got the sketchbook for the Limited Edition Sketchbook Project last week so the pressure’s on! My theme is “the last word ever spoken”. Hmmmm.

Last day to join the 2012 Sketchbook Project Tour!

Sign up and make art with me!

I’m making good headway with my book, but I could use your help!

I’m looking for quotes, like the one I posted yesterday, to put in my book, but I’d rather collect them through people I “know” than digging through a quotes website to try and find some good ones (plus, those sites are notoriously bad for attribution).

Quotes on pretty much any topic are appreciated.
The only topic I’m not really interested in is politics.
The topic I’m especially interested in is women.

Any help is greatly appreciated!
Thank you in advance!

PS. I think I’m going to take pictures of some of my sketchbook and post them tomorrow, so keep an eye out! I’m actually really proud of the work I’ve done in my sketchbook so far and I’m torn between keeping it a secret and not showing the internet so they’ll actually go see my book on the tour or when it’s digitized, but the other part of me can’t keep a secret to save her life! What should I do, internet?
WHAT SHOULD I DO???