April 21, 2015

Creatively speaking…


I’m sort of in the process of rebuilding my life and I’m at a point where I feel I can share my plans with you.

I have a bit of an internet presence…

  1. website
  2. livejournal
  3. twitter x 2
  4. tumblr x 2
  5. friends only facebook that I’ve recently been posting more publicly with
  6. facebook fan page x 2
  7. instagram
  8. youtube
  9.  does snapchat count?

…plus a million other things I’ve signed up for and never used again. The tumblrs and fan pages hardly ever get updated, so let’s pretend they don’t exist for now. YouTube is only used to embed videos in other places, so it’s more of a utility to me than any kind of community that I have to participate in, so take that off the list too. Everything else I use and most of them have some kind of community linked to them that I am part of.

Well, I want to build a new community around myself where my site or LiveJournal is not necessarily the center of it because I don’t think either has been the center in quite a while. I want this community to be built around Patreon, and my creative life, with everything else mostly pertaining to that. But I’ll get to how I plan on using each component after I explain Patreon. 

Patreon is a website that allows me to receive monthly payments from generous patrons who wish to support my work. In return, patrons receive perks, like Kickstarter, and they get to share in the experience of creating some pretty cool stuff, which, if I don’t suck, should give them a little bit of pride of being a patron of the arts and having a hand in whatever crazy thing it it is coming into being! And yes I *am* proud of that run-on sentence!

My first project is a zine that I’m (oh so originally) titling “Textibitionism”. I haven’t really posted anything about it over on Patreon yet (that’s my next  task), but what I envision is 20 individual pieces of paper-based art which tells stories from my life and the things I care about. The original idea was to use traditional scrapbooking materials/embellishments and instead of making typically pretty layouts with smiling children or whatever those happy scrappers do, I would be, well, me. The original idea was also that I would only use materials that I already had, but I already blew that idea out of the water, bigtime. Now what I envision is a mix of altered scrapbook materials, subverted and perverted by my very being, original writings and hand-drawn illustrations. If this sounds good to you, then you should know that almost all pics of works-in-progress, process videos and discussion about this project will be on Patreon, mostly via the patron-only activity feed, which is like a blog with comments and likes. This will be the centre of my creative universe, if the Patreon model of getting money to make art actually works. (We’ll see. I’m not totally convinced. Steph the Geek seems to be doing okay so far, though. Ana Voog and Blake are also using it.) Unlisted YouTube videos, Snapchat (which is where you get videos and pics exclusive to that app on your phone) and private Twitter will be used for daily life stuff for sure, but those media will mostly be where spur of the moment creative thoughts, ideas and work-in-progress photos, things that are pains in my ass etc., will be posted for patrons.

I’ll still be using my main Twitter account and I will (hopefully) only ever have one Instagram account because switching back & forth all the time sounds like a nightmare. LiveJournal is going to continue to be used for the emotional, real life stuff while my site’s updates are basically going to be State of the Union of Sunnyland addresses, linking to everything else once in a while.

I realized when I was in San Francisco that aside from my job, there was very little structure in my life and if my job is any indication, I think I’m less productive as a result. It’s not that I don’t have ideas, I have tons of them, but for a while, whenever I tried to put an idea to paper, I’d start but ultimately lost interest for whatever reason and nothing ever got finished. “Textibitionism”, and the other creative milestones I’ve set for myself on Patreon, is the first time I’ve felt excited and energized about a creative project in a really long time so I really hope that if I make it, I’m not the only one who’s going to see it.

The big picture is that if the zine is well-received, eventually I would maybe like to build Textibitionism.com/.ca/.org where it would be for sale both digitally and hard copy after everyone on Patreon who is supposed to get a copy, does, and the site will have links to all the girls I can find still making and selling zines on Etsy and elsewhere.

The big, BIG picture I’m still working out in my head but there is one. Not giving it too much thought yet though, since so far Blake is my only patron haha

As far as adding structure to my life, today for example, I got off work at noon so I knew I was going to medicate at noon and then write this post directly afterward. I’m falling behind schedule already because I meant to have this done by 3pm but that’s okay. I bought a day planner to help me keep appointments and structure my days to be the most productive I can make them because I’m a freak and I’m happiest, the most emotionally stable and the most satisfied with life when I’m busy creating something, whether it’s writing this post or painting a mermaid. In the past, my creative endeavours have made other people happy too so I’m hoping for this whole thing to be mutually beneficial.

Now I think it’s time to forage for food. Peace oot, homies!

PS. It is a VERY GOOD IDEA to insure your camera equipment, as I found out this week when I realized my camera’s messed up after taking it treetop trekking. I got it insured a few hours before we went! *whew*

March 19, 2015

WordPress Ate My San Francisco Post…

…long story short, I put as much faith in WordPress to save when I tell it to, as I do LiveJournal, and that was a big mistake.

So San Francisco.

The reasons I went to San Francisco are the following:

1. I wanted to try every form of weed I could get my hands on.
2. I wanted to spend time with my friend Steph who’s healing just like me, but in a whole new life in a whole new place with whole new people.
3. I wanted to take advantage of SF’s connectivity and CA’s produce in general and eat good, healthy foods I can’t get at home – delivered.
4. I wanted to spend time with my friend Kat and if you know Kat at all, which some of you do, there’s no “because” necessary. She’s Kat-fucking-neko and she’s one of my oldest cyberpals. The very inspiration for me becoming a camgirl.
5. I wanted to be in a place with sunshine and no snow during what is the worst time of winter for me at home, which happened to have also coincided with my birthday (based on flights/weekends).

Everything else beyond that was icing on my birthday cake. And oh what a cake it was…this was the brainchild of a little bit of Blake, a dash of Belinda and a whole lotta Kat…

Most of it is a reference to my favourite MFC model, who refers to her fans as “cyberpals”.

The green purse was a raffle prize of said model.

These are raffle tickets for said model’s raffle and the number 28 because each raffle ticket was 28 tokens because that’s the model’s favourite number. Kat bought me lots of raffle tickets but I didn’t win. (Long story.)

This MFC model calls herself an “internet sensation”, cuz she is.
I’m humbled my cyberpals would bestow upon me the same honour.

Kat threw me my first birthday party since grade 5 and my old school camgirl friends Sapphire and Artfag and Steph and their significant others all came. It was so surreal with all these old school camgirls in the same place. Like, I could barely speak. All I could do was listen. Especially with Camwhores closing and all that comes with that, I was just sorta there taking it all in. We talked and ate lots of delicious food prepared by Kat and Blake and then we streamed cake-eating at Camwhores. Steph got mushy in her card and lamented about how we’ve seen each other change and grow into like, “adult girls”, and it was super apparent looking around Kat’s living room at how much all of our lives had changed from 10-15 years ago, that the same really went for all of us. It is so fucked up saying that. That we did or do something that long. I remember Madison on my lap when I was on Portal 9.

I’m sort of spacey today. Camwhores is closing on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and I feel like I have to like, be there as much as possible, get in as much time there as possible, before it’s gone forever. I’d never be able to write a farewell post or eulogy to Camwhores, so I’m not gonna try, but Kat did remind me that once upon a time I had been writing a book on cam culture and I realized that some of it might be relevant now. I found a hard copy (cuz I print & never throw away anything, but lose digital files constantly), which Blake read yesterday and he says that the chapter on Jennicam is probably worth sharing as it has some relevance to what’s happening now, and the Camwhores chapter naturally. I’m not sure if I finished the CW chapter. Anyway, I was going to type up the Jennicam chapter and share it here when I got around to it and then either on my last show (Wednesday morning @ 1am-2am EST) or an impromptu time before, I would go on streaming cam and read the Camwhores chapter. I dunno.

San Francisco was good for me and Blake. It was good for us to be around people who are geeky in similar ways to us and creative in similar ways to us and who make and build and create things the way we do. There is good stuff on the horizon as a direct result of this trip, as I was pretty damn sure there would be. When I imagined the words “San Francisco” in my head, I imagined the letters made out of glass containing live blue lightning with a plug on one end for me to plug myself in and recharge. And that’s what I did.

Like literally, pretty much every day I woke up, smoked or vaped some form of weed and worked on some stuff online (but I took the week off of my job, so it wasn’t like, paid work) while watching US Netflix and waiting for people to come over to our airbnb, which you can see here. And I just hung out with my friends as if we lived there and this were any other day and it was great.

Edibles Day was pretty fun. Steph got us TWO brownies from a dispensary that had 500mg of THC in each of them (Black Mamba) and she predicted that for her tolerance, she would need to eat 1/4 to 1/2 of a brownie. We weren’t sure what MY tolerance was gonna be like because edibles had never worked on me before and the whole point of Edibles Day was to try and figure out if I truly was immune to them or not. I’d tried them a good 7 or 8 times and they’ve never had an effect. Doesn’t matter what kind of food it is sweet, savory, greasy, creamy, gummy – it’s never worked on me.

Here’s the brownie:

Here’s me and Steph trying to get the damn thing down:

It took about 600mg of THC (a brownie and 1/4) for me to be “stoned” – but I never got that “body high” people talk about – for about 20 minutes. I think the brownies were about $35 each so obviously this would not be a cost effective or realistic way for me to medicate. Do note that they legalized medical marijuana in New York recently, but ONLY edibles on the logic that smoking is bad for you. I’m living proof of how idiotic that is. Patients need choice, variety and freedom.

This is a vape pen with 500mg of cannabis oil.
This one was “Blue Dream” and was my first taste of California.
It is super duper stupid that these are not legal/we can’t get these in Canada.

This is wax, wax, glorious wax.
Just another form of cannabis concentrate.
You vape or smoke it.
Forget which has more THC in it though.
I think wax has more THC than oil which has more THC than smoking or vaping dried weed.

Weed & wax.

This is called shatter.
Another weed concentrate that is the consistency of taffy and I think has the highest percentage of THC overall.
This stuff you vape with a “rig” by doing “dabs”.

I got to meet cyberpal Erica, of former-Camwhores fame (the cute one from Florida with really big boobs, she’s a boxer now and careful talking about her boobs cuz she could fuck your shit up physically and virtually!), and she gave me a really nice refillable vape pen and some hash to put in it, the strain of which I remembered 5 seconds ago, FUCK! I didn’t end up putting the hash or anything else in it though because I didn’t want them to confiscate the pen at the border and Blake said the hash smelled a little weedy to him even with the container closed (I dunno how much drug dogs can smell). I can get hash at home, that’s actually the one concentrate I have access to, but the pen was a gift so it was more important. I smoked some of the hash in the bong I was using though and it was very hashy. In the container it was pre-ground, which I found interesting because it comes in circular chunks here.

Part of the reason I wanted to go balls to the wall and basically have a weed vacation was to test limits and tolerance and how you would medicate with the various types of things. I also wanted to see what California dispensary system quality was like compared to Canada’s pharmaceutical Licenced Producer system since Doug Benson and I got in a Twitter fight over it a while back. On his YouTube show this fall, he told his guests they were smoking a Sativa and that it was called “Blueberry”. At that same moment, I was smoking an Indica called “Blueberry”, THE Indica named “Blueberry” because “Blueberry” IS an Indica, not a Sativa. I verified this on Leafly. He DMs me, saying how there are no standards and Leafly can be wrong smileyface. (Note: Leafly is a former sponsor of his show.) He wasn’t following me so I couldn’t DM him back, but I tweeted @ him that that sucks and I’m sorry that’s how it is where he lives because it’s not like that here. Keep in mind, I am part of a legal, pharmaceutical program where specific, standardized testing is mandatory and there are product recalls & shit when they fuck up. It had never occurred to me that it would not be the same rules in California, like part of the state law or whatever, since medical had been legal there for so long. He throws a shit fit at me – again, in DM so no one else can see this – about how he’s been more places than me, that names and labels of strains are just slapped on and there’s no consistency from club to club, state to state. Then he blocked me “so we won’t argue anymore”. I was trying to have a conversation, who knew he was such a baby?

Anyway, he’s basically right, as far as California’s testing and labeling. Some stuff had been tested or had claimed to have been tested and those had THC percentages but it wasn’t consistent and because it’s not consistent and not legislated I’m not totally sure I’d take those numbers at face value. A guideline sure, but that’s all. I think packaged edibles are probably consistent because baking is a science and those companies are bigger than farmers and can afford to test. It’s in their best interest to do so. Also as I mentioned in the beginning, I smoke Sativas and the first oil cartridge I had for the vape pen was a Sativa as verified via Leafly, but the second one, called “Green Dragon”, comes up on Leafly as Indica even though it was definitely packaged as Sativa.

Anyway, it’s taken me forever to get this much written up and I started writing this before Camwhores closed and right now that’s all I can think about so I’m just gonna post this and hope it’s entertaining enough for y’all.

January 26, 2015



I have to see my new shrink in 3 hours, which means we have to leave in a little less than 2 hours and I’m not sure if that’s enough time to fit in everything on my mind but I’ll do my best.

At my last shrink visit, we discussed getting me off of the Loxapine, which is an anti-psychotic I’ve been using to sleep for about 3 years that’s apparently not only not that fantastic for your liver but one of its side effects is this neurological issue called Akathisia which is the inability to sit still, pretty much. It sounds really dumb, but on a scale of “excruciating” to “dear god just please kill me”, with pancreatitis at the high end and endometriosis and childbirth at the low end, Akathisia would actually be closer to pancreatitis. It’s not painful, per se, but it’s almost like there’s high voltage electricity inside you, like physical calories, that can only come out or be expressed through your arms and legs by jumping jacks or running on the spot or just finally, because you’re completely exhausted and should have been asleep hours ago, plain old continuous contortion in the dark in your bed while you cry and feel guilty for keeping your husband awake (or hating him for being asleep). The only thing that we found consistently worked was me overloading on sleep meds (which we had no idea were causing this in the first place) and having Blake drive me around the beach until I fell asleep, like a baby. These episodes would begin shortly after I took my sleep meds (but again, we never made the connection) at about 7pm and would continue until I passed out around midnight. Which really fucking sucks when you work in 4 or 5 hours. This had been happening, mostly in the warm months, about once every 2 weeks or so since I started taking this stuff and I never knew what was happening. The sensation of this “electricity” is a lot like when your foot falls asleep and in waking up, AFTER the pins & needles phase, the one right after that where if someone were to touch your foot you’d punch them right in the fucking face. You know the one. It’s shocking, right? Almost painful but not? I dunno how to describe it other wise but it’s like a constant pressure of that and the need to relieve it. So hard to explain and I am so happy that my new shrink connected the dots on that one so hopefully now that I’m not taking the drug anymore it won’t happen any more. It hasn’t so far and it’s been like, 2 months.

Something else I thought of while writing this is that I didn’t experience acute Akathisia as often this summer/fall as I did the previous year and I think that’s because this summer/fall, I changed my routine so I don’t take my sleep meds Fri/Sat/Sun and I stay up until between 3am-never making art and hanging out with some of my cyberpals in a top secret location. It would make sense that since I started taking less of it, the issue didn’t happen as often.

I’m so annoyed I didn’t catch this myself because I’m usually really proactive about researching the meds I take and I know I looked Loxapine up when I was first prescribed it but nothing bad happened right away so I just never put two and two together. I never  told any doctors about these episodes because they were simply so bizarre and indescribable and FLUKEY that I was convinced either “this is not a chronic thing and it’ll just go away” (lie) or if I tried to describe it to a doctor they wouldn’t take me seriously.

Stopping the meds should make the symptoms disappear, although in some cases it can take years for it to stop completely. I’m pretty confident that I’m done with it though. Not worried. Now I’m taking Trazodone to sleep instead and so far everything’s been a-okay.

Next thing on the list to discuss with my shrink is getting me the FUCK off Cipralex because, while I’m actually pretty happy and it’s good stuff, I’ve only had *maybe* 3 orgasms in the last 8-9 MONTHS, which is starting to drive even me, the sexlesss wonder, absolutely crazy so it’s time to find something new that doesn’t break my clit. I was told to give it 6 months for the side effects to go away and it’s been long enough, this is not just gonna go away.

Speaking of genitals, I had my pap smear a few months ago and told the nurse who did it that my endo is starting to become a problem again (yay, right? of course it is…) and since I now have a mesh in my stomach holding everything together, I can no longer safely have laparoscopic surgery and I’m not willing to have a hysterectomy, so my options now are painkillers and taking the birth control pill continuously so I don’t have any periods anymore. She understood as she had endo and went the hysterectomy route and from experience, she agreed with all of my reasons for being against it at 35. She left a note for my doctor about a prescription for birth control and he called it in the next day, Blake picked it up and I started taking it. It’s Tri-Cyclen Lo 28, but the first thing I did was ditch the sugar pills because I didn’t want to accidentally take any of them and long story short I’ve either been spotting, full on bleeding or leaking brown tissue and fluid since I started taking this shit so I need to see him pronto to get me on something else. I don’t think the nurse fully explained in her note what I was doing or why I was doing it because if she would have, I’m pretty sure he would have put me on something different. I think these pills are like, baby birth control pills for teenagers. I really wanted to ask my doctor for Marvelon 21 because that’s what I was on before and it did the job of keeping my periods at bay (not pain-free but period-free most of the time), but then I read this page about it and now I don’t think it’s a  good idea. I’m 35 and I have had a blood clot (when I was sick, I had a clot in a vein in my spleen – god it is so gross knowing that *shudder*) and I don’t smoke cigarettes but I do smoke weed obviously and I’m not sure if that’s the same thing as far as clots are concerned. I just need something that’ll stop my period and not kill me, kthnx.

I need all this shit figured out pronto! Because! Dammit! I wanna get laid in San Francisco! There’s this stuff you can get in California called “Foria“, which is weed spray for your pussy and I plan on shelling out seventy-nine American dollars to be sorely disappointed haha BUT! It’s for science! And I’m on holiday! So whatever! Truthfully, I’m skeptical about it for myself because as I’ve explained before, eating or vaping weed doesn’t do anything to me so I’m not totally convinced it’ll work subdermally either, but hey! Cool if it does! And if it doesn’t, I’m sure if I leave it in SF, Steph will put it to good use. :o)

Well, I guess I better go get ready to see my shrink. Peace out, homies!

November 6, 2014

Yeah, I’d rather be a hippy than a hipster, what!?

Well, I *was* gonna show you a picture of this cool, old, US army truck that’s parked like a sculpture near my house but my gallery program doesn’t seem to want me to upload anything to it for some reason so I guess I’ll have to get Blake to take a look at that later to see why it’s not doing what I need it to do. Whatever, imgur for the time being. Behold, this awesome truck that I love so much I actually pulled over and trespassed on this person’s lawn/field to show you, which, for someone undergoing immersion therapy, is sort of a big deal.

I submitted a painting or, probably more aptly, a mixed media assemblage to Touched By Fire but I don’t think I got in because they originally said we should be notified by November 3rd if we did and I haven’t heard anything. That was before they extended the deadline until October 31st though so who knows? The piece I made was the biggest size they allowed so I knew my chances of getting in were pretty slim, especially when submitting so late in the game. Doesn’t matter though because I like what I made (but think I could have done better, of course) and it lead to two BIGGER ideas that I’m completely in love with and in the process of trying to make happen. The first part is waiting at least 3 weeks for samples because this shit is srs bsns, and within that 3 weeks, coming up with a solid budget which has been a lot harder to pin down than I originally thought it’d be. I’ve never spent this much money on an art project before though so I’m trying to be as accurate and frugal as possible but I’m dealing with wholesale minimum orders that I’ll only be able to meet ONCE so if I’m short on what I need, I’m screwed and I am THE WORST at math. I’ve asked many people to help me with the math and of the 15 or so answers I’ve gotten, including on Reddit, they’ve all been different. Vastly in some instances. I figure Reddit’s answer is probably the best jumping off point because if the ONLY DUDE THAT ANSWERED ME was wrong, he would have been downvoted or some other dude would have come in with a bigger dick to tell him he was wrong. Anyway, it’s been challenging but I’m pretty obsessed with making it happen one way or another, it’s just the “one way or another” I’m still figuring out.

I met my new shrinks on Monday. Yeah, shrinkS. Plural. I’m so lucky, I get two. The main one, we’ll call her Murphy Brown, immediately wanted to switch me from side-effect-free ziprasidone/Zeldox – my main anti-psychotic, the foundation of my mental health pyramid – with Abilify for no reason whatsoever that I can see except maybe she wants me to gain 30 lbs, which is just the tip of the iceberg with that drug. Fuck that and fuck her. It took me MANY YEARS of trial and error and metabolic syndrome, that outweighed any mental benefit of any drug, to find the right meds and right now I’m maintaining so fuck the fuck right off. I don’t have a nickname for the other shrink yet and she’s a doctor but not a full doctor and still in training or something? She looks about my age. I told them that S.A.D. has started kicking in, meaning that “we may need to go up by half a pill on my cipralex” at some point like my prior doctor said we may have to do and it’s not like this shit doesn’t happen EVERY SINGLE YEAR LIKE CLOCKWORK OR ANYTHING. I asked to borrow a lightbox, I’m going to use it – again, please fuck off with your bulldozer parked so close to my crystal castle.

So that’s how that went. I see the shrink-in-training in 3 weeks. I have no idea why or what I said to necessitate that. Hooray. Thrilled, I am, to have the privilege of answering 50 more random, nosey, irrelevant questions. Oh, that’s another thing, Murphy Brown suggested I stop drinking Diet Coke because it’s “SO MUCH CAFFEINE” and she said if I didn’t believe her I could look it up. Well. I did. When I got home. According to the fucking Mayo Clinic, a cup of coffee has 95-200mg of caffeine and a can of Diet Coke has 23-47mg which means that I consume on average the same amount of caffeine in a day as one cup of coffee, so again, I tell you, Murphy Brown please go fuck yourself.

I’ll stop now. Needless to say, the first visit was not a positive one despite the fact that I went in there with nothing but positivity because life’s going pretty good and good things are happening.

Like I said a while back, I’ve been working a lot. I now work 7-9 hours/day as opposed to 3. I’m still training people. Working all these new hours has enabled me to do something I’ve never done before: paid off my Visa. Then as soon as the final payment cleared, I immediately maxed it out by buying myself and Blake plane tickets to go to San Francisco for my birthday. Why San Francisco? Because Steph the Geek is there in her 20 Mission hippie commune. Because Sapphire is there. Because my friends Kat, Sarah, Quelyn and Erica are there. Blake’s sisters and nieces (whom he’s never even met) are close by in Tahoe. And it’s a medical state. With weird food we can’t get here. And it’s my birthday. So that’s why.

The plan is pretty simple: we’re gonna rent a place in the Mission District using airbnb with (ideally) 2 desks or work surfaces and a kitchen, that has a backyard or courtyard and we’re going to order crazy fruit and organic meat from this website Steph uses and basically just hang out with whoever and each other. Blake’s going to work on his book and I’m sure I’ll find a way to entertain myself.  We’re also going to rent a car and go to Tahoe. Not sure if that’s going to be an overnight thing or not at this point though. On the actual day of my birth we’re trying to have some sort of get-together with everyone…somewhere, because we’ll be leaving for home the next day. I don’t care about Alcatraz or the bridge. I would like to see some painted ladies. I wouldn’t mind seeing the other ocean. omg will there be tidepools? I’ve never seen a real starfish. I dunno, I just figured by the end of February I’ll probably be wanting to slit my wrists so somewhere sunny and warm (to me) with some of my closest friends seemed like a good idea since I suddenly realized it was a viable goal. And I realize I’m now in debt again, but it won’t take too long to pay off and I was pretty proud of myself for essentially saving up all of the money to do this. Or at least take the first step and order the plane tickets.

I have to figure out how to carry-on both my laptop and my camera because everything I’ve ever read/heard has said not to pack them in your luggage. Hrm. I dunno about this traveling stuff.

This week the new Anne Rice book came out AND the new Mother Mother album did too, so honestly, it’s been a pretty good week. Cried a little this morning, convinced that it was going to be a bad day, but it wasn’t. I also got the Lena Dunham book to read for myself, with context, what happened with her sister rather than rely on sentence fragments and the one excerpt the media’s been primarily focusing on to come up with my own opinion. My friend Tay also mentioned that Lena Dunham’s also said some racist things in the media about why there are so few minorities on Girls, which I guess I missed. I follow her on Twitter but like, as much as I follow any celebrity, which means I only read like, maybe 1/10 of her tweets. Anyway, I was interested in her book before all this but when I went to get the Anne Rice book, the Dunham book was only $20 and there was one copy left, so I was like, “fuck it” and added it to my pile, which also included Gone Girl, High Times and a magazine called Canadian Art that looked interesting.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY, it’s time to take my PM meds, find food, watch American Horror Story and go to bed. Peace oot, y’all.

February 27, 2014

I’d like to thank The Academy…

I’m probably the only person who’s going to care about the following. Others may care and will be thinking, “Sunny, you n00b idiot!” Whatever. I’m AMAZED.

Tomorrow is the eve of my birth and in celebration, some friends are coming over to play euchre cuz I’m (almost) old now and this is what old people do on Friday nights. This will be party #1 because I have to work all day Saturday, until my actual birthday is almost over. More on party #2 later.

In preparation for tomorrow night’s festivities, I have rolled birthday cake flavoured joints (that were soooooo fun to roll with my little rolling machine thing, it’s like arts & crafts!) more because I could than anything else. The papers exist. I had ’em. Realistically they’ll probably end up in my purse to be smoked on the go at a later date because joints aren’t really my thing. Truthfully there are only two shitty things I’ve found about weed so far: 1. I can’t drive medicated. (Having said that, I shouldn’t have been driving on some of the stuff I was on prior to weed either.) 2. I have to smoke it or it doesn’t work. Eating it doesn’t work. I’ve had zero success vaporizing. Smoking it is. And a joint is probably the 2nd worst way to smoke it, only second to a blunt (I would assume, I just figure cigar wrapper is more junk in your lungs than a super thin rolling paper). Some people enjoy smoking, I do not. So I want to do it the easiest and least harsh way possible, so that’s why I use a glass bong. It’s still unpleasant but at least you don’t want to expel your lungs (necessarily – everyone/strain’s different) during the process. I still cough even with the bong because I suck at smoking weed, but at least the whole thing’s over in 3 rips and you can get on with your day, meanwhile it takes me a thousand years to smoke a joint and I’m hating every single second of it.

By the way, I’m writing this post mostly for people who don’t regularly smoke weed, which I’m assuming is the majority of the people reading this based on my completely scientific research a while back on whether or not people could name strains.

Anyway, we told our guests to be here “sometime after 6pm” tomorrow and I plan on staying up pretty late, so I’m not sure how long they’ll be staying (overnight is always a possibility, we can sleep 7 extra people in our tiny little house), but what that does mean is that I’m going to be medicating, with my bong, in front of people, in a well-lit kitchen for what’ll be a pretty long time. And this brings us to the bane of my existence: resin. Resin is sticky brown shit that is a byproduct of combusting or heating cannabis and it coats the inside of  your bong, is totally gross (but some people re-smoke it, which I think is also gross) and is a total pain in the ass to remove from basically anything. It’s unavoidable.

It wouldn’t be classy to have a dirty bong sitting on the kitchen table while we play cards and I would be a bad hostess if my guests brought their own legal herb to smoke and all I had to offer them was dirty glass.  But the thing is, cleaning resin off glass is a total bitch project to the point where a shocking amount of the stoners I know will buy NEW glass rather than clean their old glass. I only have a small glass pipe and the bong and the pipe’s used so infrequently it’s still preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty much clean so all I had to do was the bong. Like I said though, it sucks to do – at least I *thought* it did – and requires the bong to be out of commission at least a day and overnight, sometimes longer, so it hadn’t been done in a long time. It wasn’t super gross by MY standards? Or if I knew I would be the only one smoking and we were playing cards in my office where it’s darker I probably wouldn’t have bothered cleaning it, but since I didn’t know if I’d be “going alone” (ha!) and we’d be playing in my pristine (thanks to my loving children) kitchen, I figured I’d better clean the bong.

When we went to Liquid Chrome on whatever day it was when I bought all those papers, I also picked up this stuff called Purple Power, which is a cleaner I’ve always used for my glass. That’s specifically what it’s meant for. The problem though, is that to clean a bong with it, it’s usually a 48 hour process involving a lot of really annoying agitation of the cleaner every time you walk into the kitchen, and then some, to re-soak and rinse the parts that can’t be directly covered by the cleaner itself, like the shaft and the perc, because you can’t really get at the inside of a bong any other way.

All week I’ve been dreading this project so I put it off until after my first bowl this morning, aka the last possible minute for the Purple Power to work by the time our guests got here tomorrow. As per usual, I put the stem and the bowl in a plastic container, covered them both (mostly) with Purple Power and put the lid on. Then I swirled the cleaner around for about 3 minutes making zero progress and then I remembered something. Blake had found 99% rubbing alcohol to use as an aftershave, which has been long rumoured to be an excellent cleaner of bongs and as I recalled, a few weeks ago he said I could use it as long as I left him some. Honestly the reason I never tried this before was because I truly thought 99% rubbing alcohol was a banned substance in this country since I’d only ever seen 70% before. I assumed there was a reason for that and knew that 70% wouldn’t work because I read my Reddits.

I poured the alcohol into the base and perc of the bong, stuffed this piece of sponge I use into the hole the stem goes into, put my hand over the top and shook with the other for about 30 seconds. Then I set it down and watched as the resin melted and slid down the glass. IT WAS ALMOST INSTANT AND SO SATISFYING. Then I poured coarse salt into both parts and shook it up for about 8-10 minutes (intermittently because my arms kept getting tired) and then it was SPARKLY CLEAN! The salt doesn’t dissolve in the alcohol, which I thought was interesting. I poured the Purple Power that the stem and bowl had been in back into its bottle (the stuff’s reusable) and while I had to soak them for about half an hour, but they came completely clean with alcohol, agitation and salt too! I will never buy Purple Power again! That shit is like, $9-11/bottle. Rubbing alcohol is like, $2. I’d be shocked if I used 5 cents worth of salt total. Sure, the alcohol’s not reusable (or maybe it is, I have no idea) but you can’t get 5 uses out of a bottle of Purple Power anyway and f0r less than an hour’s work, who the fuck cares?

See? I told you no one would care about this. But just keep it tucked in the back of your brain if you ever seriously take up pot smoking.

On Saturday, my actual birthday, like I said I have to work all day until 11pm so we’re not really doing anything. Blake’s making Mississippi Mud Pie though, which we’ll have on Sunday during party #2 with the kids and Ronny and Alex who are coming over for that reason and for possibly watching the Oscars with me, which The Academy is so graciously hosting in honour of my turning 35. I meant to watch Her today but got sidetracked and I still haven’t seen Labor Day, but other than those two I’ve seen all of the Best Picture nominations and I don’t think ANY of them are worth an Oscar. I guess the one I enjoyed the most was Dallas Buyer’s Club but that wasn’t because it was a good movie, it was because it had good actors and hopefully they’ll win their respective categories. So many people I know absolutely went crazy over Her, but I fell asleep about 10 minutes in and Blake said it wasn’t that great. Hence why I meant to watch it today.

As I’ve been typing this, crazy things have been happening. Here’s what it’s looked like here all day:

I messed up the days forgetting that there were only 28 this month. My birthday is in 1.5 days!

This morning I accidentally woke Blake up at 5am, so he went into the office early since he was working in Toronto and because he did this, he missed the *96* car pile-up that occurred directly on his route at about the time he’d normally be going through. So that happened. As I’ve been writing this, he’s been on his way home from Toronto, where he left the office at around 3:30pm. Right now it’s almost 7:30pm and he’s not home yet. Last time I checked in, he said he was 20 minutes away but in this weather that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

About half an hour ago, Madison’s boyfriend’s mother – whom I’ve never spoke to – called me and asked me if he could spend the night at our house because he lives in the beach and all roads to the beach have been closed since this afternoon so he’s stuck at the school all of his busmates with no way to get home and it’s not safe for anyone to come pick him up. Obviously, without question, I said it was fine that he stay here. I got off the phone with his mom and sent Madison to the school to pick him up not knowing when Blake would be home, called Blake just to double check he was fine with it, which he was and when I got off the phone with Blake, Ronin’s mom’s calling again saying  that apparently they’re not releasing any of the kids without an adult. I asked if it could be any adult and she said it could so I told her I’d call Blake to pick Ronin up at the school on his way home and as I did all this, I told Wes to run after Madison so she didn’t have to walk all the way to the school for no reason. He didn’t catch up with her so I told Ronin’s mom that when she called the school to tell them it’s okay for Blake to pick Ronin up, to tell them to tell Madison to stay there and wait for him too. OH CALAMITY!

And now you’re up to speed and I’ve gotta go prepare/take my pills, choke down an egg and I guess…wait….maybe I’ll see if I have enough time for Her before bed…

February 25, 2014

What’s my age again?

I totally forgot to post about this yesterday!

Last Monday, Pie was having $4 pizzas to celebrate their 4th anniversary so Wes, Blake and I went there for dinner.

After waiting about 15 minutes for a table, we were finally seated and our waitress, whose name I think was Bianca (who looked and acted like a total Carrie Bradshaw, except more adorable and less annoying), asked us if we would like some drinks to start. Blake and I ordered Diet Cokes and Wes ordered an orange pop.

A few minutes later, Bianca returned with our drinks, setting mine and Wes’ down first (we were in a booth and Wes was on my side) and then Blake’s, we ordered our pizzas and off she went. That’s when Blake and I noticed that Wes and I have the same sized cup while Blake had a bigger one…in other words, she gave me a child’s cup. I was like, whatever, doesn’t matter, just means she’s gonna have to get me refills more often, no big deal, because I assumed she did it by accident but Blake had a different theory.

It was insanely busy at Pie because of the $4 pizza thing and I had finished my drink before our food got there. Just then, Bianca walked past our table to go to the kitchen and on her way, she told us it would be a few more minutes and that she was sorry and that’s when Blake said to her, “Can I ask you a question?” and she stopped and said sure, and Blake said, “Did you give my wife a smaller cup because you thought she was a child?” Bianca looks at him and then at me and she’s kinda horrified and Blake’s killing himself laughing and saying, “it’s okay! It’s okay! It happens all the time!” and finally she’s laughing (she even had the Sarah Jessica Parker laugh) and totally freaking out. I could tell she wanted to ask me how old I was so I told her “I’m going to be 35 on March 1st” and she was all “NO WAY!!!!!!!!!! You must get carded for everything!!!” and freaking more and eventually Blake asked her for another refill for me and when she brought it, it was a grown up GLASS from the bar, not the regular plastic cups they usually use for the pop.

Later on, when the restaurant was less busy and she had to bus the tables next to us, she talked to us as she worked and was STILL spazzing out saying, “does it REALLY happen all the time or are you just saying that?” so we told her about the time at the hospital when they thought Blake was my dad and my mom was my sister to reassure her and then she says, “yeah I’m 22 and people tell me I look young all the time.” I figure if a reasonably intelligent 22 year old thinks I look like, forget a child, I’ll even take YOUNGER THAN SHE IS, I’m doing something right! Thanks, Bianca!

February 24, 2014

Let your backbone slide…

Canada won gold in both men’s and women’s hockey and curling. Our tagline for these Olympics was #WeAreWinter and while all the other events were important, it’s those two that are at the heart of Canadian sport. We finished 3rd in the Olympics overall, which is cool by me!

I wore my Team Canada jersey for every game…

…and yesterday, when we won the men’s gold medal hockey game I did something that I sorta think is pretty brave. It’s one of those things that only I’ll think is brave (and Blake), probably, but I’m going to write about it anyway as insignificant as it may be.

Yesterday after the game, I wanted to go to Liquid Chrome, which is the local head shop, because I needed to get Purple Power (glass cleaner for bongs/pipes etc) and screens (you put in the bottom of the bowl of your bong/pipe so your weed doesn’t get sucked through the hole) and we keep forgetting to do it. Also, since my birthday is on Saturday (send me money for Florida since I took the week off unpaid! :oP), I wanted to see if they had any novelty rolling papers with birthday cakes or candles or cupcakes on them. I also, since we’d just won gold, wanted to see if they had any Canadian flag papers because I’ve seen those on TV before. Then I decided, after going to the website of one of the bigger flavoured paper manufacturers which was a brand I knew Liquid Chrome carried, that I wanted a few other different types of papers, depending on how much they were. I made a list and we decided to go.

Halfway there I started freaking about two things:

1. We would be getting there half an hour after they opened and I didn’t want to be their first customer. Blake assured me we wouldn’t be and that they’ll be happy to see us because they want our money.

2. I was still wearing my jersey and that made me stick out like a sore thumb, a target. A target, I figured, for positive stuff since we’d just won gold and everyone would be out celebrating (you’d think), but even that’s embarrassing so I kinda wanted to die at the idea of getting out of the car. Blake again told me it would be okay.

On the way there I took half an olanzapine and when we were almost to Liquid Chrome, I put 3 Ativans under my tongue and then Blake parked like, RIGHT in front of Liquid Chrome. We had to sit there and wait for a little while for my Ativans to dissolve and for Blake to talk me down. See, the thing with Liquid Chrome is that, despite it being one of the coolest places in Barrie and despite the fact that I know I have every right to be there, it’s an intimidating place because it’s a “boy store”. Whenever I go in there I’m always the only girl and it’s sometimes a really uncomfortable experience because it feels like the (all male) staff don’t want to be dealing with me. I just typed “but that could be me COMPLETELY projecting” but then I remembered that yesterday I came home with a complimentary calendar featuring scantily clad women featuring some of Liquid Chrome’s most interesting pieces. It’s a dudebro store. That is a calendar for dudebros.

Anyway…we go in and just as I’m going through the front door I freak and turn around to go back out, running into Blake’s chest because I was still wearing my “safety goggles” (star-shaped, glitter sunglasses) and didn’t have my glasses. I slipped off the safety goggles and went into the store. The guy behind the counter, where all the stuff I needed was, was helping someone else so I just looked around at all the pipes while trying to summon courage to talk to the guy and while Blake ran my safety goggles to the car and bring back my glasses because I wouldn’t be able to read the paper boxes behind the counter without them. Blake came back and I handed him the list and said that he needed to do the talking because I just couldn’t. I explained to him the order of importance of each type of rolling paper and then the Purple Power and screens and we waited in line behind this guy who was big enough that I couldn’t even see who was working behind the counter. A couple of other guys milled about the first floor, not sure about the second and third floors.

Eventually the guy behind the counter says to Blake, “have you been helped?” and Blake said no, so he ended his conversation with the big guy and we were next. I was glad to see it was the guy who owns the place. I don’t know his name but every time I’ve been in there and dealt with him, he’s been great. But then again, he owns the place so it’s different and still, every time, Blake has to get the ball rolling. That’s on me though, not the Liquid Chrome guy. So Blake asks how much all the papers are and the guy tells him, then he says, “the next thing we need are rolling papers with something birthday-related on them…” and the guy finds said item and puts it on the counter. They’re king-sized and the rolling machine I use is regular so I’ll have to cut them but they’re exactly what I wanted and I said exactly that to both of them. Then Blake asks for the ones with the Canadian flag on them and the guy sorta smirks and says, as he’s reaching for the top shelf, “we have these called O Cannabis…” and he shows us and they were awesome so I said, “sold!” and then from that point forward it was pretty much me who did the rest of the talking. We did just ultimately hand him the list to find papers because it’s easier but we talked throughout the experience and it was just chit chat and everything was fine. I walked out of there proud of myself for not only NOT just walking out, but staying there and not just participating in the interaction but basically leading it for the purposes we were there for. So yay me. :o) It’s not a huge thing, like I said, but it sort of is for me.

And that is my story.

PS. I also got maple syrup flavoured papers with maple leaves on them haha

March 4, 2013

So Much For That

So Friday was my 34th birthday, as most of you know, and I celebrated by getting very very drunk. And this was a mistake because for the last 2 days, I have been in pancreatic hell. I thought it would be okay to drink because I thought my body was healed since my period had come back and has been regular and things that used to trigger pancreatic attacks – like alcohol and fried foods – have not been a problem in about 5 months as long as I take my pancreatic enzymes at the time of consumption. On Friday, I was taking 3 pancreatic enzymes per drink (until I got too drunk and forgot haha) so I thought I’d be okay, but no such luck. I’m not in “must go to the hospital” pain, so that’s an improvement, but I *am* in enough pain that I have taken about 2/3 of a bottle of Tylenol 1s since yesterday and a ridiculous amount of extra strength Ibuprofen and I’m still in pain. :o(

So that experiment failed. I mean, obviously I can have a couple of drinks and be okay, I just can’t get drunk apparently. Which fucking sucks.

It’s almost 7am and I’ve been up for 45 minutes – on my day off – because the pain was bad enough to wake me up. It’s weird though because I woke up in pain yesterday and was in pain all day until about 9pm when, I think, the drugs in my system reached a saturation point that finally put a dent in my personal hell. But they obviously wore off in my sleep and now I have to start that process over again. :o/

When I’m having a pancreatic attack, I get the world’s worst heartburn and I don’t know if it’s from the enzymes (possible), all the drugs I have to take (also possible) or if it’s some weird pancreatic response of some sort but it is almost as bad as the pancreatic attack itself.

Last night for dinner we had fresh ravioli in four cheese sauce with more cheese on top which is one of my favourite foods but i couldn’t eat it because the heartburn was KILLING me and when you have killer heartburn from the fiery pits of hell, throwing tomato anything on top of it is like, the absolute worst thing you can do. So last night for dinner, all I had was 2 bottles of water, about 2 litres of iced tea and a microscopic container of strawberry Haagen Dazs because when I feel sick or have heartburn, ice cream always makes it better for some reason.

The dogs were verrrrrrry interested in my ice cream:

Lucky is a little impatient and he knew when the container was empty so he left, but Hoover stuck around so I let him lick the ice cream residue from the container and his tail was super waggy as he did so. Yesterday I paid a lot of attention to Hoover because guys, he’s getting kinda old. :o/ He’ll be 8 in May and he snores, he groans, he spends most of his time on my office futon (which currently REEKS of dog and the cover badly needs washing) with his head on the pillow we keep there or he lays under Blake and my desks and he’s just started acting, I dunno, just old. He still plays with Lucky outside and they’re annoying when they do that and that’s a good thing but he’s just not as energetic as he used to be and he’s less tolerant of certain things (like the cat). I’ve never really had an animal get old before and I’m a little afraid of what happens next.

But I don’t want to think about that…Hoover’s just been super cute lately and sort of introspective, if that makes any sense and he reminds me a lot of Eeyore sometimes. I just love the shit out of him.

On Friday night – while inebriated – I did a members only show at Camwhores where I, topless and with headphones, sang lots and lots of songs I didn’t know the words to haha. If you’re a Camwhores member, you can watch the show here. Blake swears it’s really funny and thinks I should watch it but I don’t fucking think so. Especially since it’s about an hour and 40 minutes long…of me just being drunk and stupid. I’ve NEVER watched any of my members only shows at Camwhores before and I’m not about to start watching now! Seeing myself move on video freaks me right the fuck out, it’s actually almost a phobia of mine. Anyway, if you’re bored and this sounds interesting to you, feel free to check it out…just don’t tell me about it haha I don’t need to know how bad it is, thank you very much.

Saturday I worked and it was actually a really slow day, which was good because I was hungover as fuck. While I worked, I started reading the Walking Dead compendium one and that’s almost literally all I did all weekend. I’m on chapter 7 of 8. I really really really want compendium two so if anyone EVER felt like getting me anything maybe as a belated birthday present, that would be #1 on my list of things I want. My wishlist is here and it’s only $40 with free shipping. I’d buy it myself but I just bought my new phone so between paying off the remainder of my phone $50 at a time and trying to pay down my credit card (ugh), I really only have $62 to last me until my next paycheque. And that’s the math for my NEXT paycheque. This paycheque I had to also get a cover for my phone to protect it from accidents and then I bought a crapload of pens because I just didn’t have any in my office that worked anymore and then I had to pay stupid FedEx for the duty on the leggings I got before Xmas. So right now I literally have $1.75 in change to my name and I just got paid on Friday. Also the new Sims expansion comes out on Tuesday…I know, a camgirl moaning about money. What can I say, I’m a walking cliche?

Looking at my wishlist just now I realized someone bought me River Song’s TARDIS journal, which is awesome. Thank you SO much! I’ve wanted that for so long! Blake and Madison are going to be SO JEALOUS HAHAHAHA!!!!

So did anyone watch Girls last night? (Slight spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen it yet.) So Hannah starts displaying symptoms of OCD, right? But did you know that Lena Dunham herself has OCD and used to have those exact symptoms? The counting to 8? It kinda bugs me that she puts so much of herself into Hannah, I’m not sure why. Maybe because I think it’s kind of unoriginal? I dunno. This episode just sorta bugged me. (/end spoiler)

Walking Dead was good last night. I won’t throw any spoilers out there for the people who haven’t seen it yet but I really liked that episode. I’m wondering how it compares to the comics and theoretically I should find out soon. Blake told me that the comics were “brutal” compared to the show and I was expecting like, really graphic drawings, but I think they’re actually pretty tame or at least they’re drawn that way. Michonne & the Governor’s interactions are a lot different in the comic but the drawings are nowhere near as graphic as I was expecting. I think all the weird Japanese shit I’ve seen on the internet over the years has desensitized me.

Madison and her boyfriend are coming to our house for lunch today because they want to eat french toast. This is what Madison’s told me last night. The thing is though, she lost her lunch money so she’s kind of full of shit because she can’t eat lunch with no lunch money so that’s probably really why they’re coming here. I feel like crap and look like crap so I hope Madison’s not embarrassed by me. I maintain that it’s my fucking day off and I’m in pancreatic hell and if I want to wear the same clothes since Thursday and not wash my hair then so fucking be it.I’ll wear a hat when they come or something.

I actually like Madison’s boyfriend. I never used to because when she dated him last year I kinda thought he was a weasel and they were using my phone to text each other and that was driving me a little nuts (because he was trying to text her while I was in the hospital and no amount of telling him “I’M IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL” would make him stop)  but he’s gotten better and he’s matured a little since then. We got Wes Minecraft for the Xbox for his birthday and an Xbox live (?) account and I don’t think he’s played it once because Madison’s on it every waking moment playing with her boyfriend and all their mutual friends. It’s actually pretty funny to listen to them talk on voice chat.

Anyway, speaking of Minecraft, I think I’m going to go play for a while because I am dying of pain and need to do something to take my mind off of it. We all have Minecraft now and we have Blake’s computer acting as a server so we can all play together. Right now I’m building a greenhouse for no apparent reason, which Wes turned purple somehow and I’m not sure why…I made it out of stone (baked cobblestone stone) and I think he replaced all of my stone with dyed wool. I really wish he didn’t do that, but whatever.

So yeah. YAY MINECRAFT. Bye!

PS. My period started on Saturday, really really light and then the pancreatic attack started yesterday and my period stopped completely. Weird right? It’s like my body knows it can’t do that when I’m having pancreatic problems. I dunno, I found that interesting. You probably don’t though…

March 1, 2013


This is the best birthday I think I’ve ever had! Normally I hate my birthday and resent it even happening, but this year my family and friends have made it worth celebrating so as of noon, that’s what I’ve started doing!

These are Long Island iced tea fixin’s.
Did you know there’s no actual tea in a Long Island iced tea?

I’m about half way through my first drink and I’ve gotta say, I’m in a pretty goddamn good mood.

Here’s what’s in a Long Island iced tea:

1 oz of gin
1 oz of vodka
1 oz of tequila
1 oz of triple sec
1 oz of white rum
1.5 oz of sour mix, which we couldn’t find so I’m using lime cordial
“splash” of cola

Serve over ice.

It tastes pretty fucking good, if I do say so myself, but I decided that for that glass, full oz shots are too much and half oz shots with a full can of Diet Coke is perfect.

I dunno how so many writers can be alcoholics. I’m only 2/3 through my first drink and I’m making typos like fucking crazy.

Here are pictures of my cake. I didn’t actually eat any of it yet, I just took pictures:

It is obviously red velvet, which is really just chocolate with lots of food colouring, but it’s oh so pretty.
I should have busted out the macro lens but I’m lazy and it’s my birthday and I don’t fucking have to.

Having said that, I would love to take a class in food photography.

Anyway, I had to stat drinking early (I started at noon) because there’d be no way I’d be able to stay up late tonight drinking with Blake when I have to work tomorrow and my meds make me fall asleep at 9pm.
So I’m a loser drinking in the afternoon by myself.

But it’s my birthday so this is exactly the number of fucks I give: 0

So yesterday was a meeting with Rick and CBT. Both went okay. With Rick we mostly talked about my grama and how to navigate that whole situation. He just said to take it as it comes and to start the conversation with her with “how are you feeling?” and go from there. I thought that was good advice. He told me not to take any abuse from her, in case that happens. I’m starting to like Rick more and more, he thinks I’m funny and I’m okay with that. Because I am funny, motherfucker!

We told him that the cab thing just isn’t working so we’ve stopped that. It just added a layer of stress onto an already stressful day so we ditched it. Blake figures I’m more likely to drive by myself to an appointment in Midland than to take a cab. Plus the cab was $35 each way and while we didn’t have to pay that, I kinda felt like a douche for charging that to the province. This is why we can’t have nice things.

I told him that I hate CBT because it’s so damn slow but that was before yesterday’s class, which was actually useful and productive.

We learned about the “hot thoughts” portion of the thought record, which I actually found sort of challenging because there was math involved and that just fries my brain. Here’s my worksheet and yes, this was a real scenario, this actually happened on Tuesday.

(Click here for a bigger version.)

Yes, Lena Dunham makes me feel like shit. She’s also one of my personal heroes. As you can see by the percents, the three thoughts highlighted are the “hot thoughts”. I haven’t read past this in the book so I’m not entirely sure what comes next but that’s the example I used and since it was a real, unresolved issue, I plan on using it as I go along.

At CBT the example they used was “driving to work at 7:40am” and this one woman in the group was like, “if that was all I had to worry about, I wouldn’t be depressed” and went on about how insignificant that problem was for like, 5 minutes throughout the example and it made me feel like pure and utter shit and honestly, I wanted to strangle that judgmental bitch. I mean, you don’t know what problems people have, why would you say something like that? I wanted to speak up and inform the room that I’m relearning how to drive a car so that example was relevant to me so she’d feel like shit maybe, but I didn’t speak up. I dunno if that was a good or bad thing. After Blake picked me up I lost my shit in the car and pretty much cried all the way home because that lady made me feel completely irrelevant. Like my problems don’t matter, which is one of my “issues” to begin with. Everyone should be able to drive, why is it so difficult for me? Why should it be a big deal when I do drive? Why do I deserve a ticker tape parade?

After CBT (jesus christ it’s getting hard to type!) we went to the liquor store and the lady helped us find all the ingredients for Long Island iced teas but she told us (which I didn’t know) that we couldn’t get “sour mix” at the LCBO (liquor control board of Ontario – the only place you can buy liquor in this province) because they’re legally not allowed to sell anything that doesn’t contain alcohol. I didn’t even know “sour mix” existed prior to googling the recipe for Long Island iced teas so I didn’t know it wasn’t an alc0holic beverage but she said we should be able to find it at the grocery store. Well, no such luck chickie poo, but that’s no surprise because our grocery store is about 3 square feet and doesn’t have “everything” so we went to Wasaga Beach to Wal*Mart to find it and no such luck there either. The lady there said it was a “seasonal item” and it’s fucking March (well February at the time) so that was a bust. Then we went to t he Foodland at the beach and we found “lime cordial” and we figured that was good enough because it was the same company who makes grenadines (which are awesome for making cherry Coke) so that’s what we went with.

IT IS GETTING REALLY HARD TO TYPE. GOOD LAWD. I started drinking at noon and it’s currently 3pm and I’m pretty much wasted. Spellcheck FTW! Anyway, that’s why we went with “lime cordial” instead of “sour mix” because I’m pretty sure that isn’t even a thing in this neck of the woods.  Anyway I’m drunk so wtf. I’m ending this post and enjoying myself. Fuck all, y’all.

February 20, 2013

No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn

It’s a snow day. Again. Monday was “Family Day” which is this stupid provincial holiday that only some people get to take off. Like, if you work for a national company like Blake does, you don’t get it off. You get a holiday in the summer instead. (So I guess it works out.) Then yesterday was a snow day for some unknown reason, probably to mess with me. And now today. We are having snow squalls today so today’s snow day makes sense but yesterday was a mystery. Madison is allowed to stay home on snow days but Wes isn’t as per his new principal, which I think is fucking bullshit. See, snow days here just mean that the buses aren’t running so the schools are still technically open and his new principal says that kids who walk to school have to come to school anyway on snow days. So the weather’s so bad the buses can’t run, but it’s totally cool to make a 10 year old walk 2.5 km to and from school through snow squalls? I don’t use this word often, but I think it applies: Wes’ principal is fucking retarded. There is literally only two other kids who live further from the school than us and they are siblings who live like, 5 doors down to street. I think it is child abuse to make these kids walk through this shit.

Yesterday after work I went to bed, like I usually do and when I woke up, Madison scared the shit out of me because she was laying on the couch in the living room in the dark playing Minecraft and she said “hey, it’s a snow day” and Wes was already at school. Today I gave him the option of staying home because it was pretty bad out – I mean, fuck this principal, I’m his mother – and he’s trying for perfect attendance this year so he decided to go to school. And he said, “besides, all we do is math, computers and dodgeball” and as for the weather he said, “I’m used to it at this point”. Okay man, whatever. It’s his decision I guess but if his principal wasn’t such a dickhead  who considers snow days as absent days, Wes would be staying home.

All day yesterday, from the time she woke up until after we went to bed, Madison was on Xbox playing Minecraft with her boyfriend and one of her other friends and it’s actually pretty funny because they play with voice chat so last night Blake offered the boys money to kill Madison which Wes found hilarious. I expect when her royal highness emerges from her bedroom she’ll be doing more of the same.

On Monday night we went out for dinner to this super fancy pizzeria called Pie and it was AMAZING.  I forget what Blake got (pizza obviously, but I forget which one) but the rest of us each got a Kobi 43 pie with custom toppings. My usual pizza toppings are mushrooms and ham but they didn’t have ham so I opted for prosciutto, which I’d never really had before and I didn’t really know what it was beyond “fancy ham for rich people”. As it turns out, I think prosciutto is disgusting so I picked it off my pizza and just ate it with mushrooms. At Pie they use a wood fired oven to cook their pizzas and to be perfectly honest, it was the best pizza I’ve had since we moved here. In fact, I dunno which is better, Pie or my beloved Stouffville Pizza. They’re both good in their own ways I guess, but Pie pizza was really fucking good. Also they have drink specials every day and Mondays they have $6 Long Island iced teas of which I enjoyed two and which were necessary (along with Ativan) to sit in the restaurant because it was so apeshit crazy busy in there that my brain was just pinging all over the place. I meant to bring my iPod so I could take pictures of our food (the camera on my phone is crap) for this post but I forgot it at home. Just go to their website and look at the food porn. Anyway, everyone loved it and we decided that if we’re ever going to go somewhere as a family for dinner, Pie is definitely the place to be. It’s the same price as Swiss Chalet for 4 people, where we usually go (or used to, I can’t stand it there anymore) and a million times better.

Also with experimenting, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can tolerate certain types of alcohol better than others as far as my pancreas, as long as I take enzymes before or directly after consuming. I don’t think I could get right royally drunk without painful repercussions, but I can have a few drinks and be okay. The only alcohol I know for sure that kills my pancreas is rye. I had Fireball cinnamon whiskey with Vanilla Coke Zero about a month ago and I only put in one shot and I only drank like, maybe 10 sips because as it turns out I don’t really like it and the next day my pancreas was killing me. I didn’t think to take enzymes though so that could be a factor but so little alcohol caused pain so I think I’m just going to stay away from rye in general, which is a shame really, because that used to be what I drank as a general rule. Rye & Diet Coke. Sometimes we go to Boston Pizza at the beach because they have strawberry margaritas and I seem to tolerate the tequila just fine and obviously I was okay with the two Long Island iced teas I had at Pie and they have all kinds of alcohol in them, but no rye so I was 0kay.

This year my birthday is on a Friday (March 1st, you can buy me presents here!)  and I don’t plan on being sober for it.

Speaking of my birthday, I think my new phone is going to come today or tomorrow. The package tracking said that at 8:30 this morning it was “on vehicle for delivery via Barrie depot” so that either means it’s on a truck on its way to my house or it was on a truck on its way to the Purolator depot in Barrie to be sorted and it’ll be put on a truck going to my house tomorrow. I am so stoked. I hate my current phone with a burning passion; it’s such a buggy piece of shit. I bought it solely for the physical qwerty keyboard, which I love, but it’s old now and I’m using a mod because it doesn’t run properly on the standard Android OS and it wouldn’t let me install more than a few apps because it wouldn’t let me save them to the card instead of the really small physical hard drive. My new phone doesn’t have a physical keyboard, which sucks, but really my only option for a physical keyboard was to get one of the new BlackBerries and the Canadian in me really really wanted to go that route but not at the expense of screen space so I went with the Note II instead. Now I feel like a traitor to my country. There’s this Twitter account called @stats_canada that I follow that posts funny fake facts about Canada and on the day BlackBerry launched their new model they had a tweet that said “95% of Canadian smartphone owners won’t buy a new BlackBerry but really hope that others do” which is pretty much fact. Blake likes BlackBerry because it works with all his work stuff better than any other device/OS so I think there’s definitely a market for them still but I’m scared it’s not big enough to keep them afloat. Bummer.

Well, I think I’m going to go play Minecraft for a while so I can join in the Minecraft insanity that’s taken over our house and I’ll leave you with pictures of Pixel sleeping in Wes’ bed this morning and Lucky sleeping on the living room floor. Hoover was sleeping too – under Blake’s desk – but he woke up when I tried taking pictures of him and then Lucky wanted to play so all I got was blurry pictures. Anyway, here’s fat kitty:

And Lucky:

Peace oot.

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