“ The graphics of this game are way too realistic for the type of blood shed they ejaculate all over the player’s CPU monitor.”
“When a player casts a spell, you will see the hand gesture is that of how homosexuals fling devil DNA juices at each other after a long night of fecal frenzy ass assassinations.”
- Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How To Perform “Rim Jobs” and Other homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers?
Don’t make me post it again! Okay that’s not true, I’m not posting it for you guys. I’m posting it for me because this is how my tabs are laid out every day (I don’t close my browser or turn off my computer like, ever): Live Journal, my e-mail, my site, Etsy, Facebook, Anybeat and then whatever I’m working on, like a post or whatever in other tabs. SO, if I post my boyfriend’s video at the top of a post, I have easy access to it in TWO TABS and can replay it at my leisure. Which I do. A whole lot.
It IS Friday though, kids, and that means MAYBE, JUST MAYBE there will be a new Erock video tonight! I’m creaming my panties in antici…pation. (Not really, just curious as to what he’s gonna shoot out next. Hey wait that sounded dirty too, I can’t win….*facepalm*)
So I went to the doctor on Wednesday and now I need a new doctor. My newfie surgeon is a fucking OTTAWA FAN with the JERSEY AND EVERYTHING! THE NERVE! I wore my Leafs jersey on Wednesday because we won TWO games 7-1 recently and like, you wear your jersey while they’re doing well because who knows when they’re gonna shit the bed, so I wore my jersey and first of all, when we were at Chapters, we were getting into the car and some lady yelled “Is that a Leafs jersey I see? Good job!” or something like that but I didn’t hear it so my mom had to tell me second hand. Bummer, but still, compliment, so…WIN! But then when I was at Dr. Hanrahan’s office, she walked in and was like “oh no you are NOT wearing that jersey in my office!” and then we had words, bonded over the loveliness of Sydney Crosby (oh be quiet, he’s lovely) and got down to brass tacks.
She thinks she’ll be closing me up as a Christmas present. Her words. That means late December. I still have to hear from the guy at St. Mike’s to have the pseudocyst drained but Dr. Hanrahan said that since we haven’t heard from him, she’s going to chase him down herself. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not sure, but let’s hope because I would really like to have my surgery before Xmas. I don’t care if I have to spend Xmas in the hospital, I want this over with. Plus I hate Xmas anyway, for the most part. Xmas Xmas Xmas.
So that was pretty much all she said. She had a medical student named Magda with her and she went over my whole history with her so she could follow what was going on and Dr. Hanrahan said something like, “There’s 4 rules in surgery: sleep when you can, eat when you can, spend as much time with your partner as you can and don’t mess with the pancreas!” The pancreas, in case you all weren’t aware yet, is a VERY BIG DEAL.
Anyway, Renee, as my mom likes to call her went down my history and basically said, “This lady should not be sitting here right now, she had every single possible complication, you name it, she had it and she’s here to live to tell about it and that’s a miracle.”
Hearing that is very hard for me. I don’t like to hear about how I almost died. I mean I do like to hear about what happened to me at St. Mike’s because I don’t remember any of it but I don’t like to hear about how I should NOT be here because I am here and that’s kinda like talking about me in past tense or something and I just don’t like it. It makes me cry.
My new friend Jessie, who has chronic pancreatitis and who, unlike me, can’t just have surgery to make it all better, left me this amazing comment that I want to share with everyone because it was just so damn beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear after I got home on Wednesday:
“Wow. You heal super fast! Yeah, I saw your wound. That’s all scar tissue now? Damn, girl! Go you!
Yeah, it’s hard to deal with it. I was suicidal for a very long time. It’s been almost 6 years, 5.5 years, I remind myself that all the time. For a long time it was hard for me to cope with my loss… because, really, it IS a loss. You lose your life as you know it. Forever and ever. I am still accepting that, every.single.day. You have to mourn your experience. It takes a loong time. It’s difficult.
I tried to force my self to move forward with life and it was impossible. You know the seven stages of grief, right? Well, be prepared to go through every one of them. And give yourself a lot of time. It’s been 6 years and I’m still not done.
I don’t know. It’s hard. It takes time.
It helped me to track my progress. Tiny things… like healed wounds and days without puking. Those things matter. Because there will be times when you feel like you have been sick FOREVER and that you’ll NEVER get any better. But, you will. Slowly but surely. Whether it be getting physically healthier or just getting better at coping with the sickness.
Human beings were meant to survive. We were built to forget pain; a survival skill. We were built to move forward and live. Just care for yourself and appreciate your life and take it as slow as you need to.
Oh, jeezus… look at me getting all emotional.
I have no idea how I get all my nutrients. I drink a lot of those protein drinks, too, take prenatal gummy vitamins (omg im addicted), and vit B, and load up on great-for-me-foods when I’m actually able to keep things down. Soup helps. I love soup. It’s easy on the stomach and you can cram a lot of veggies and protein into soup.
I’m tired all the time, too, but autoimmune disorders will do that to ya. You will heal. Sleeeeep and try to eat and just take care of yourself. Take vitamins. They’re my best friend.
While I’m having an emotional moment let me say:
Don’t ever feel guilty for being sick, okay?
It’s plagued me for years. It caused me to push myself and hurt myself and not help myself at all. You deserve to get better. You deserve LIFE! I know you have a family and obviously it has/will be hard on everybody… But, LOVE yourself. Just as much as they do. More. Take care of yourself. Don’t get down on yourself. You’re a survivor and you are alive for a reason.
You will go on with your life again. You will. It will be changed. For the better, though, if you let it. <3
/Emotional Rant (SHUT UP JESSIE!)
:) <3″
I barely know this girl, but we’re basically kin at this point because we’re going/have gone through pretty much the exact same things.
So something I asked the doctor about was my thinning hair. It is simply falling out. A lot. In fact if I lose much more, I’m literally just going to shave it all off again because it’s really starting to look like crap. The short and sweet of it is that I need protein in mass quantities and I need to supplement my diet with a protein drink. The only protein drink I can stomach, which I didn’t even know about until this week, is called Isopure PLUS and it’s a clear juicy drink that’s actually not that bad. The problem though, is that it’s $17 for 6 drinks (after tax) and that’s an extra expense we really can’t afford. But I need it, so on Visa it shall go, we guess. It has 15g of protein per bottle and according to my mother I need around 45g per day based on some weight chart she found online. I’m trying really hard to eat that much protein but it’s not easy when A) you can’t keep everything down and B) you’re as picky an eater as I am. I simply cannot eat beans, they’re just too disgusting.
So that’s the gist of what’s happened this week. My mom bought me a Sharpie Liquid Pencil (which I keep forgetting to test out but they’re really neat!) and a clear t-square at Curry’s. At Curry’s I bought 3 sketchbooks for $15 (score!), a PINK mechanical pencil with PINK erasable lead and a pink pen to use in my pink journal.
As I mentioned we also went to Chapters before my appointment and there we got the new issue of Juztapoz because Mark Ryden did the cover and poor Sunnies can only afford to frame covers of magazines and put them on the wall.
Yesterday I also started playing Warcraft again…god help me…I will never get this sketchbook finished…(I also postponed getting Skyrim so Blake can get his Star Wars game when it comes out)…
So if you know me at all, you know I get crushes on various boys pretty easily, especially if they happen to be in the arts in any way. ESPECIALLY if they’re super good or super passionate about something. Then I go mental.
So right now I have this pretty massive crush on Eric Calderone who’s this metal genius on YouTube who does covers of popular songs. And he’s absolutely, drop dead motherfucking gorgeous. Not to be crude (too late) but whenever he posts a new video, I sit there watching and my clitoris literally twitches, it’s the most bizarre thing that’s never happened before.
Now of course I would never act on any of these crushes and if faced with one of them I’d probably embarrass myself by crying or something lame like that, but I would definitely like to be friends with them. Like, internet friends. The way I am with you guys except like…we e-mail dumb shit to each other and stuff. Like I do with other people. Like like like.
But anyway, I love him and here’s some of my favourite Erock videos (yes, he calls himself Erock and yes I think that’s kinda stupid – no offence Eric, I love your nerdy ways):
“Hey guys,
So I had requests for more 80s songs and had requests for classical songs which ended up as a combo. The Mozart parts I used just in case anyone is wondering were Symphony no. 25, Symphony no. 40, and part of his Requiem. There were so many to choose from but I fell upon the ones I thought could work best. Hopefully Mozart’s not rolling in his grave. Thanks so much for the comments, messages, and subs. Once again, you guys amaze me, BIG UPS.
Best to ya
E”
OH SWOON. BE STILL MY BEATING FUCKING HEART OR HOWEVER THAT GOES. *fans self*
Okay I’ll stop, I just fucking love the shit out of him. I want Blake to fly him to Canada to play our anniversary party, if we ever actually have one. (Looks like 10 years ain’t gonna be it, so maybe 15?) But watch the videos, isn’t he beautiful? Don’t you hate him for his ability to grow hair? Cuz I totally do.
Anyway, enough about Mr. Crittenden the Second.
[Insert photo of the elusive Benton here]
So Ben’s not really a boyfriend, by my usual definition because I don’t really have a crush on him, but he is a boy and he’s going to be my goddamn friend if I have to hunt him down and sit on him.
Ben is one of my nurses. He’s 29, from Vancouver and from what I can tell, all he does is work. That means he has no friends here and I swear to Christ, I will take drastic measures to ensure that he has people here because he’s great and it bothers me thinking about him just being alone all the time. But hey, what do I know? Maybe he does have friends here and he just hasn’t told me about them yet. YET.
Anyway, I get excited about the prospect of new friends (I never used to, I’m growing soft in my old age) and Ben is a potential new friend and I’m looking forward to having a little party at our house with Alex and Ronny and Ben and lots of booze.
Speaking of booze, I’m too scared to ask my doctor but with all the drugs I’m on, do you think I could get drunk and not die? I guess I’ll ask her when I see her tomorrow. Honestly, all I want to do these days is be drunk and listen to music and cry. I am so goddamned depressed it’s not even funny. I have S.A.D. pretty majorly and like, I missed the whole summer. I went from winter, to barely any spring, to fall, to winter. There was snow on the ground this morning! This is not good for my mental health!
Blake’s mom and Charlie just bought a house in Florida with an indoor hot tub and pool and all I want to do is go there. I need sunshine. Badly. I want to get this stupid pseudocyst “procedure” done (still haven’t heard from the specialist), have my big surgery, go to Florida with Blake’s parents and the kids (that I have no idea how we’ll afford but I really need it :o( Maybe a Chip In account thing?) and then get my job back. That’s how I want things to go. That’s what I want for my life for the next few months.
I got an e-mail from my boss last week, which is promising. I explained everything to her and offered to work part-time until my big surgery if there was work available, but I haven’t heard anything back. We are so ridiculously broke. :o( The thought of Xmas makes me really upset because I just don’t know how we’re going to afford anything when we’re going into debt EATING. Madison’s said that all she wants for Xmas this year is a $25 iTunes gift card which very well may be the only thing she gets. I don’t know what to get Wes. Then there’s my mom, Phil, Lisa, Raili and Rachael. I just don’t know what to do.
Blake’s getting me Skyrim for Xmas, but I’m getting it on Thursday. We can only afford to get that because he’s going to trade in some of his old games and one of mine (Final Fantasy whatever # came out for PS3 that I hated and barely played). My one year old computer isn’t good enough to play the game so I have to get it on PS3, which sucks (and I know how whiny and privileged that sounded) because I hate consoles, but I really want to play the game so I guess thems the breaks. And these days it’s not like I have anything better to do. I sit on this bed in the living room and refresh Facebook and e-mail every 2 minutes, all day, every day. I haven’t even been creating anything because I just too depressed. I should be working on my sketchbook but I just don’t have it in me right now. If I send it unfinished, I send it unfinished.
So that’s life at the moment.
PS. My hair’s falling out at an alarming rate and if I lose much more, I’m just going to shave my head again.
PPS. Water For Elephants was a HORRIBLE movie, but an excellent book. Why is that always the way?
My surgeon, every time I see her, keeps telling me how “impressive” I am for maintaining a positive attitude throughout this whole thing and for healing as fast as I have been and for getting out of the hospital much earlier than expected (keeping in mind, the projected date of release was “maybe” by Christmas). And I keep wondering, every time she says it, if she says that to all the ladies who come into her office, considering the fact that she’s primarily a breast reconstruction surgeon, she’s got the pink ribbon on her office sign and everything.
I don’t feel impressive. I mean, I can’t control my rate of healing. I’m only positive about this shit when I’m in her office. Realistically I sleep my days away and I cry a lot because I am so goddamn sick of this bullshit that I can barely stand it. But I have no choice but to “stand it”, so I sleep away my days and just try to keep on keepin’ on. What alternative do I have?
I hate the days Siske comes because it means I have to get up early. She usually comes between 9am-9:30am, every Mon/Wed/Fri. I like Siske, don’t get me wrong, I just hate having to get up for her and I hate that I’m too chickenshit to deal with her by myself so Blake has to work from home those days. He makes sure the vac’s turned off half an hour before she gets here and makes sure there’s a garbage bag beside my bed for all the medical waste. He also makes sure the stainless steel scissors we stole from the hospital (accidentally, I swear!) are boiled and sterile. Stuff that’s hard for me to do because I suck at waking up early and it’s hard to navigate all the places I have to navigate to do all that with the vac. Also, I’m in a lot of pain and the less I have to move around, the better off I am.
Anyway…
So we went to see the surgeon today, whose name is Renee Hanrahan in case you were wondering, and she’s awesome, and there was some good news and some not so good news. And some more good news and some more not so good news.
The CAT scan showed that I have a 12cm long pseudocyst on my pancreas that requires surgery (or maybe more to the point, a “procedure”) to be drained before she can close up my cheese pizza wound/hernia. 12cms is pretty damn big, I had no idea the pancreas was even that big, but this pseudocyst is like a blister and we’re waiting to find out from the OTHER surgeon, down in Toronto at the hospital I was in before, if it’s operable. If it’s not then we have to wait until the body naturally absorbs it which can take a really really long time. Like, we’re talking 6 months to a year. If it IS operable then what he’ll do is stick a scope down my throat and into my belly and at the end of the scope will be an instrument that’ll pierce the cyst. I’m not sure if it’ll just pop it and let my body absorb what’s in it or if they’ll suck the stuff out of it, to be honest, I forgot to ask. She said it looks like there’s more than one pseudocyst on the pancreas but they’re not so much worried about the smaller ones, it’s this big one that’s wreaking havoc on my guts and probably the culprit behind all this puking business.
The CAT scan also showed that my spleen is enlarged and unhappy and she said it was likely due to this pseudocyst pushing on it, but Blake asked about the blood clot that I had in the splenic vein (splenic vein thrombosis) and she said she didn’t know, that once the pseudocyst is out of the way they’ll do another CAT scan and will hopefully get a better look at it.
So that’s where things stand right now, we’re waiting for the Toronto surgeon to make his determination as to whether or not the pseudocyst is operable and hopefully it is because I’ll lose my goddamn mind if I have to wait 6 months to a year for this nightmare to be over.
We asked Dr. Hanrahan to ballpark how soon I would have the surgery to close up the hernia and she was very reluctant to give a date so my mom said “January?” and Dr. Hanrahan said that seemed likely. I almost cried right there. I’m crying now just typing that. That is so far away! I was thinking like, November? I thought we’d go to this appointment, she’d say the CAT scan looked good and my blood work looked good and my pee test looked good and then she’d book me for late November to be closed up.
Well, my blood work looks good. My liver is a little unhappy about something apparently but she didn’t seem worried about it and she said that despite all this barfing, there were no signs of malnutrition. My hemoglobin is low, but it always is. My iron is high, but I take 4 iron pills a day, of course it’s high! She made no mention of my pee test so I’m assuming it was fine.
She wants me to lay off on the domperidone because the issue is this pseudocyst and the fact that my stomach’s all twisted up so the domperidone probably isn’t doing much good (although I think it *does* make a difference so I’m going to continue taking it for my bigger meals, like dinner). I asked her if she’d raise my hydromorph dosage because as nerve endings grow into my cheese pizza wound, it hurts more. Also my guts just plain hurt. Ever since my run in with the world’s worse case of diarrhea, my lower guts just ache. It’s actually a lot like period cramps times about 50. And coming from someone with stage IV endometriosis I think that’s saying a lot.
So really the visit was more bitter than sweet, but at least I’m not dying of malnutrition so it can’t all be bad. I was a little worried about that, to be honest. I see her again in two weeks.
OH YEAH!!! AND GUESS WHAT!!! She said I can take a break from the vac for a while to see how my wound does. I told her I was sick of being tethered to the damn thing and she said, “let’s leave it off for a while and see how you do”. SO FUCK YEAH THAT’S AWESOME. I’m just going to have a regular dressing from now on, which will be silver nitrate (it’s like fabric made out of silver!), then an “abdominal tampon” on top (LOL I love saying that) and then the sticky drape stuff that I’ve explained before as being like shelf paper on top to make it water-proof and hold the ABDOMINAL TAMPON in place.
ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. ABDOMINAL TAMPON. <— this will never get old.
So no more forgetting about the vac and walking away from the kitchen as it falls off the table. No more worrying about getting the vac machine wet when I shower. No more waking up 20 times a night to untangle myself from it. No more carrying the fucking things around. It really sucks to have to carry it in one hand and your dinner in another and then you don’t have a hand free to take your drink too! But whatever, I almost died. Worse things have happened…
But still, I’m very excited about being untethered for a while, even if it only does end up being “for a while”.
Oh, another crappy thing though is that she wants me to wear a “binder” which is just a fancy term for a girdle. My guts are drifting to the left and right so my stomach region actually looks kinda oval-ish/square-ish. My guts are on either side of my stomach so by wearing the girdle binder it’ll bring them more toward the middle where they should be and not only should this improve my digestion but it’ll make it easier for Dr. Hanrahan to put my guts back where they should be and close me up. When we went to Shopper’s Drug Mart after my appointment they didn’t have one but they were getting a shipment in tomorrow so when it got there, they’d call Blake to pick it up. Can’t wait. I wonder if I’m supposed to wear it while I sleep? I sure hope not. :o/
After my appointment we went to Curry’s where I picked up some odourless mineral spirits and some paper stomps which are basically pencils made with paper and no lead. Just a sharpened stick made of paper. Odourless mineral spirits are normally used to clean oil paint off of brushes, but my friend Ditsy mentioned using “Gamsol” to do this neat shading effect with pencil crayons, which is just a brand name for what I bought today (I got the store brand). What you do is colour the edges of your picture with a good pencil crayon, like Prismacolour, and then you dip the paper stomp into the mineral spirits and colour from the edge inward. Basically the mineral spirits dissolve the wax of the pencil crayon causing concentrated colour around the edges with it fading into the middle. It actually makes the pencil crayons behave a lot like Copic markers, but without the enormous expense of Copic markers.
This lady’s kind of obnoxious at the end of the tutorial, but here’s how to do the technique: episode 1/episode 2
I’ve got to admit, I’m pretty geeked to try it and I meant to try it tonight but I got distracted by this post and now it’s too late because I’m about to take my PM drugs and since Siske’s coming tomorrow, I can’t sleep in.
After Curry’s we went to Starbucks where I got a chocolate coffee and then to EB Games to get Sims 3 Pets but they were sold out so we went to Wal*Mart instead. I’ve installed the game but haven’t played it yet because after my mom left we had to have dinner and then after dinner I had e-mail to deal with, then I started writing this post and before I knew it, it was 10pm (the time it is now) and I was late for taking my drugs. Oh yeah, and I still have the shits so there was some bathroom time in there too.
I really have no doubt that I won’t be impressed by Sims 3 Pets. The only reason I really got it is because I’m completest. The pets expansions for previous incarnations of the Sims were my least favourite of all the expansions (okay, Open For Business for Sims 2 was probably the worst and Ambitions for Sims 3 was pretty bad too) so I’m really doubting I’ll actually play with the pets, I’m more interested in the extra stuff like, are there new aspirations? Lifetime rewards? Jobs? Stuff to grow in your garden (like catnip maybe? that would be cool and maybe even worth owning a cat)? New furnishings etc etc etc? Stuff like that is why I keep buying all these expansions even though the core games themselves may suck.
Truthfully, I’m more excited to play with odourless mineral spirits than Pets. Which I think I’m gonna go do right now because today was a bummer and I would like a little joy before I go to bed.
Oh yeah, and I barfed up my chocolate coffee seconds after getting home. I was feeling really sick all the way home and Blake stopped off at the pharmacy before we came home and I was praying that I wouldn’t have to barf on the sidewalk, which I didn’t, but I don’t think the car was fully stopped in the driveway before I jumped out and ran as fast as I could to get to my barf bowl. (I can’t barf in a toilet like a normal person because it’s too hard for me to get back up. My legs are still too weak to get up easily from the floor, so I barf in a bowl instead and Blake, my beloved, dutifully takes the bowl (after putting my hair up and putting my computer aside as not to get barf on either), flushes the contents, washes the bowl and hands it back to me. That is LOVE.
Okay, gonna go play with mineral spirits now. Goodnight!
This is me writing something. Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!
This afternoon my nurse came and unhooked me from the vac in favour of a standard dressing because tomorrow I see the surgeon and she’ll want to see my cheese pizza wound so it needs to be accessible. (A standard dressing you can just peel back and tape back on, but the vac works on a vacuum so you need to maintain the seal and that doesn’t lend well to peeling back the dressing and redraping it.) It feels good not to be attached to that stupid vac machine anymore and I’m going to remain untethered until Wednesday when my nurse comes and hooks me back up to the vac. I’ll enjoy this time while I have it.
Today I threw up my breakfast and my dinner. I didn’t eat lunch. Breakfast was honey nut Cheerios and I probably barfed it up because I drank the milk (I wanted to test the lactose intolerance theory so I took domperidone before I ate it thinking that if I wasn’t lactose intolerant, I wouldn’t barf, but if I was, I would, so I guess I am) so that experiment was a big ol’ fail, depending on how you look at it. For dinner I had McDonald’s, which is just…never a good idea. I took the domperidone right before Blake left (there’s a McD’s in town) and he got back about 15 minutes later and I started eating pretty much right away, starting with the fries because that’s just the McDonald’s order or operations: fries, sandwich, drink ongoing. The instructions on the bottle of domperidone say to take it 15 mins-30 mins prior to eating and I thought I was good since Blake came back 15 minutes later but maybe I need to do the 30 minutes. I barfed yesterday too, but I forget what it was. The day before I didn’t. It’s really just a crapshoot as to whether I will or not, honestly. There’s like, this unknowable formula to it. It’s like…the factors involved are A) what you’re eating, B)whether or not you took the domperidone at the right time and C)the current state of your stomach. Time of day often seems to be a factor as well. I’ve never puked up anything after 9pm. Every night after I take my 9pm pills, to help them go down, I eat cauliflower with dill dip and Swiss Cheese crackers and I only maybe recall throwing that up once but truthfully I’ve thrown up so much since being home from the hospital it’s really hard to say.
File this under TMI but since Friday evening I have had the worst diarrhea of my whole entire life. I hate even admitting this but it was so bad lastSaturday night that I woke up with stomach cramps and Blake was in the bathroom and before he got out, I literally shat myself. And now I’m telling you about it because I tell you guys way more than any person probably should. My guts have been so sore over the last 3 days that I’ve had a heating pad in my abdominal region pretty much the entire time. I weighed myself on Thursday and I was 113lbs and I weighed myself this morning and I’ve lost 4 lbs. From shitting. And you wanna know the likely culprit? Domperidone + Nacho Cheese Doritos. Apparently I don’t need any help digesting Doritos and by adding the domperidone it just makes a mess of my guts.
Long story short: I may never eat Doritos ever again and for those keeping score at home, my digestive system is currently empty.
So tomorrow when we see the surgeon, we’re hoping for a surgery date. I had a CAT scan, blood work and a pee test when I saw her last so she’ll tell me the results of all that, adjust my meds as needed (I assume) and hopefully tell us when surgery will be because at the rate I’m going, I’m going to be approaching 100lbs pretty soon and that’s no good. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss being 160lbs (which is what I was at prior to getting sick) but I don’t want to be skeletal either. I think 120lbs would be a good, healthy weight for me (I’m 5’1-ish). When I was in my 20′s I was about the weight I am now and I thought I looked good, but with how I am now, I think I just look sickly, especially with this not-so-small trache scar of mine and the other scars in my neck area from where they did dialysis and had central line IVs. I’m basically a hot mess. :o/
BUT I’M DONE SHITTING! AND I’M UNTETHERED! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE? SIMS 3 PETS COMES OUT TOMORROW AND GUESS WHAT EEEEEELSE? I GET STARBUCKS TOMORROW!!!!!! SO IF I GET A SURGERY DATE TOMORROW ON TOP OF ALL THAT, IT’LL BE A *VERY* GOOD DAY!!! BONUS POINTS IF I DON’T THROW UP!!!!!!
And that’s all I have to say until tomorrow.
PS. Okay so y’know how on Grey’s Anatomy they almost lose people on the operating table all the time? If that happened to me in real life, do you think the doctor would have to tell me? Because I think I’d want to know.
This is a Sims post.
My friend Charlie gifted me The Sims 3 Barnacle Bay yesterday, which I was eager to play because I really enjoyed The Sims 3 World Adventures and I *thought* Barnacle Bay was supposed to be another vacation destination similar to the ones in that expansion. It was marketed as having some kind of local “secrets” that you were supposed to figure out and to do so, I assumed, you would have to explore tombs and caves like in World Adventures, which is why I liked that expansion.
But no.
Barnacle Bay is a $20 town. Nothing more. It’s just an extra town that was created by pirates and the only difference between it and the other towns is a new restaurant and 2 or 3 new beaches, which are boring because they’re the same as the beaches in all of the other towns. I feel totally cheated by this and will not be buying any more add-ons like this again because it simply wasn’t worth the $20 Charlie paid for it.
Speaking of Sims and rip-offs, the new expansion comes out on May 31st (I believe) and it’s called Generations. And the thing is, from the trailers I can’t figure out what makes it different than the Sims 3 base game. I know there are new interactions for the various stages of life, for example, teenagers can eggs houses (lovely), but that’s really all I’ve seen and I think this expansion is going to be a total rip-off. I will be getting a copy of course, I’m completeist that way, but I don’t have high hopes for it other than the fact that it may be a good expansion to play with my Legacy Family.
Sims Medieval? I love it and plan on finishing it. Yes, it’s a Sims game you can finish. I find that I can play for a couple of hours by knocking out a few quests and then I can call it a night, unlike the other Sims games that are a total time suck because you lose track of time so easily. Sims Medieval gets 2 enthusiastic thumbs up.
Anyway, that’s all I have to say about the Sims.
This weekend has been fucking GLORIOUS so far! It’s my first weekend off in 3 MONTHS and I am milking it for all it’s worth!
I spent all of Friday night playing Sims Medieval, which is fucking AWESOME, then all day today (Saturday, since I haven’t slept yet) I sat on my fat, lazy ass and painted 3 FAIRIES who just need the whites of their eyes painted, their pupils painted and to be given dresses and they are FINISHED, which is also FUCKING AWESOME and tomorrow? I’m not sure what my plan is for tomorrow but Blake got me instant mocha latte mix at Wal*Mart today so I know that’s in the plan and I’ll probably just continue painting, watching the Oprah channel and playing more Sims.
Tonight we had a McDinner and it made me feel so wretched I had to take 2 Gravol afterward. I don’t know why I do this to myself, I only eat McDonald’s maybe twice a year now and every single time I have it I feel like barfing afterward and then I feel guilty about all the fat and salt I just consumed. :o( Oh well.
My fairies…oh man do they ever look awesome. I was going to take pics and post them here but I’ve decided to wait until I’m finished their entire painting before I show the world. One’s Asian, one’s East Indian and one’s Caucasian and they all have black hair and metallic espresso eyes and they look fucking wicked. I was SO SO SO nervous about painting the Asian one because I’ve never done it before and I was also using a new brand of paint which is apparently more highly pigmented than the paint I normally use because I thinned it down the way I normally would but the coverage was too thick and it wiped out all of my shading, unfortunately, so the Asian fairy doesn’t really have any shading to her face while the other 2 do. I was so upset that I ruined her this way that I cried but Blake gave me a pep talk about how it was my first try and no one ever does awesome on their first try so I don’t feel so bad about it now. Her eyes look amazing though, I’ve gotta say, and especially with the metallic black hair she really does look Asian so I’m kind of proud of how she turned out despite the lack of shading. The East Indian one’s eyes are also on a slant and she just looks great. The white one? Well, she looks like every other fairy I’ve done in the past 3 years. All 3 fairies are going to have those pressed leaves I bought as wings, the Asian girl is going to have green ones, the Indian girl is going to have bronze ones and the white girl is going to have gold ones. I’m not sure what the background of the painting is going to look like yet, but you KNOW it’s going to have a fuck tonne of glitter! Anyway, I’m happy with them so far and I plan on continuing with them tomorrow after their lips have dried, which I just painted.
Today was super windy and grey and gross and I felt bad for all of the vendors at the Maple Syrup Festival that our town had today. They close off the main street so craft/artisan vendors can sell their wares and it was just a shitty day for it over all. The wind was so bad that it blew out gate open twice and the dogs got out but they know where they get fed and they came back. Blake’s now secured the fence with garden twine and two plastic zippy things and the wind’s not supposed to be as bad tomorrow so hopefully that solves that problem.
I’m smoking again. I don’t know why. I don’t really want to talk about it and I don’t really want to hear any lectures, I just wanted to throw that out there in full disclosure. I had quit for 2 weeks but on Friday the freedom of the weekend and having things be perfect was too much and I broke down and bought a pack and then I was thinking that we’re going to see the Pixies on Wednesday with Ronny, Alex & Deanna and Deanna smokes so if I quit on Monday, there’s no way I’m going to make it through the Pixies with Deanna smoking so I might as well just keep smoking until we come home from the show (Thursday) and start quitting again. I think I may read Allen Carr’s book again.
Speaking of books, I’m still reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen and I’m finding it extremely dry. I don’t even know what the fucking story is and I’m about 1/6th of the way through. It reminds me of something but I don’t know what…
Water For Elephants opened this weekend I think, but I’m too broke to go see it because I’m in credit card debt up to my eyeballs. It’s just so goddamn easy to buy things on the internet and god help me, but I discovered eBay a few weeks ago and I cannot stop buying Japanese mulberry tissue paper because it’s impossible to find locally. I’ve bought 6 batches so far and I’ve received 2 of them, neither of which is pulpy enough for angel wings, which is what I use it for, so it was kind of a waste of money but it’s hard to tell what you’re buying in the pictures the sellers put up. I’m hoping to find one seller with the right type I need and keep buying from them, but for now it’s trial & error. Chali told me about “destashing” on Etsy where people sell art supplies on there, which is what I might do with the mulberry paper I can’t use. Someone’s gotta have a use for it and I mean it’s all pretty neat, I used a bit of it in “Black & White” on the skirt of the fairy in white, I’m not sure if you can really see the flecks of silver and gold in the paper, but like I said, it’s neat stuff, I’m just not totally sure what to do with it. And now that I’ve typed that, I’ve realized that it would probably make good skirt material for the fairies I’m working on at the moment, so hey, good for me.
Yesterday I literally tried to freeze my credit card in a glass of water in the freezer, but the glass cracked (it was plastic) and the ice just kinda, was repelled by the plastic of my card so I could literally just pull it out no problem. So much for that idea. Since that didn’t work then I guess it’s just up to me to have a little fucking impulse control which I really really suck at. On Friday I bought like, 11 lbs or something of cone incense off the internet – I’m out of control!
Tonight we finished watching Buffy, the entire series and I bawled at the part with Xander at the end of the last episode. Anya was my favourite character (Andrew is my 2nd) and I knew she was going to bite it and how she would and I knew it was coming but none of that knowing prepared me for it so I cried and cried.
I have no idea what’s going on with my period and it’s making me fucking mental. I was supposed to get it on the 6th but it was a no show, then last Sunday I had what I thought was the beginning of it (that brown goo you get right before you gush) but that tapered off after a day and now nothing except a LOT of discharge, enough that I’m wearing a pad anyway. It’s like I’m having a white period or something (and no, it’s not an infection, it’s like ovulation goo x a thousand). My new anti-psychotic that I’m taking for sleep can affect your period so I’m chalking it up to that but even that doesn’t make much sense because I had a normal period last month while I was on it so why would I have an abnormal period THIS month? I’ve also had the pain of a period, just no blood. I want blood dammit! I tried to go to sleep at around 11:30pm tonight and as I was laying in bed, I started worrying that Blake’s vasectomy had reversed itself and that I’m pregnant and what would I do if I was. (Were?) Blake and I have gone over that scenario a thousand times before and the answer is always “abort abort abort” but the question in my head tonight was, if I did have to have an abortion, would I blog about it and risk the threat of it being absolute troll bait and having the world judge me for that decision? And it’s a hard thing to answer, I thin, unless you’re in that situation, but I think I would blog about it. If I were pregnant right now, the amount of drugs I’m on would seriously fuck up a fetus and it would be all drug addicted and probably be deformed or mentally retarded or something so an abortion would be necessary for that reason, but there’s also the reason that we’re done having kids and we’ve taken every precaution NOT to have any more kids, so there’s that reason too. I think anyone who has an abortion has valid reasons, don’t get me wrong, I’m just listing what mine would be. Anyway, while laying in bed, I decided that I would blog about the whole thing because hey, that’s what I do. But I’m (probably) not pregnant so I don’t even know why I’m writing this…
So we’re going to see the Pixies on Wednesday and it’s out of town and I’m getting really nervous about it. We’re getting a hotel room, which I love because I love staying in hotels, but I’m worried about the dogs who will be alone for the night. We’ll be leaving early on Thursday morning and it’ll take 2 hours to get home, so the dogs shouldn’t be in too much discomfort, but still, I worry. And I feel horrible because in planning this whole thing, I didn’t even consider them. My mom’s taking the kids for the night and that’s all that I had on my brain as we planned. It only occurred to me tonight that the dogs would be an issue.
I also think that tomorrow Wes and I are going to plant our vegetable seeds and get them started on the living room windowsill. I have the cups for it and have for a while, but I keep forgetting to do it or I’ve been too tired after work to do it (because it takes twice as long and it’s twice the mess when Wes helps, but he likes doing it) but it needs to be done and I have the time tomorrow so I might as well.
And I’m really just babbling at this point so I’ll tell you about the Sims Medieval and call it a night.
The Sims medieval is not like the regular Sims really, it’s kinda like a cross between the Sims and WoW on super easy mode. You control your Sims but they have specific jobs and you have to do quests. To be quite honest, the guidebook that came with the game is pretty worthless and I’m not even sure what the point of the game is yet. I made a kingdom and did every single quest and now I’m not sure what to do. There are “ambitions”, like the first one is called “New Beginnings” and the goal is to build up your kingdom so it has every building and every profession, which is what I completed tonight, but then there was nothing left to do so I went to the main menu screen and saw that 2 new ambitions had opened up so I clicked on one of them and it wanted me to make a new game, a new kingdom, rather than playing with the kindgom I’d just built. And that’s confusing because what is the point of building a whole kingdom if you just have to keep building like, alternate kingdoms for each new ambition. Is anyone playing this game? Am I doing it wrong? So I started a new kingdom for one of the new ambitions and that’s what I’m playing now. The first kingdom was called “Sunnyland”, naturally, and the new one is named “Sunnyland 2″ because I’m creative like that.
Anyway, here are some screencaps:
My first monarch, Sunny Moody.
Sunny Moody having a royal bath.
This one is Queen Sunnybananas of Sunnyland 2.
My wizard, Zennish Moody.
My physician treating a patient. I forget his name. :o/
Praying with Oprah, my Peteran priestess.
All in all it’s a fun game, but I wish I understood what the hell I was supposed to be doing better. I can’t imagine I’m doing it right with the whole starting another kingdom thing for each new ambition because that is a royal pain in the ass.
So that’s been my weekend so far. I think now I’m going to see what everyone’s up to on Facebook while I finish my Coke and then get to bed. Happy weekend!
I had to go to the doctor’s this morning to get repeats on my codeine contin (which he raised by 100mg/day) and Tylenol 3 (30mg codeine/300mg acetaminophen) and Naproxen. He lectured me about taking so much Tylenol because it’ll kill my liver, which I’m oh so aware of but I don’t see any alternatives here, which is why he raised my codeine contin. That’ll keep me from having to take so much Tylenol 1 (8mg codeine/300mg acetaminophen, 15mg caffeine) during the month and then I have the Tylenol 3 for when I’m actually on the rag and wanting to kick puppies. So was that clear? He lectured me about taking so much Tylenol and then rx’d me…more Tylenol. I’m not complaining because he did what I wanted him to do, I just thought it was funny.
I have today off because I had to go to the doctor’s this morning at 10:30am (we just got back now and it’s almost noon) when I start work at 10am usually, and then this afternoon is metabolic clinic. But this actually worked out well because I woke up to an e-mail from Belinda asking our boss for Saturday night off because it’s her boyfriend’s birthday. I have to make up my metabolic clinic hours on Saturday anyway (Belinda works nights) and Blake’s gone to Militiagan for another funeral this weekend anyway too, so I said I’d take today off and work Belinda’s shift Saturday night for her. Then I’ll still have Sunday off, which, if I’m working the night before, I’ll probably use to sleep in and then play Sims Medieval all day. So it all works out! I had intended to work from whenever metabolic clinic was over (we usually get home around 3:30 or 4pm) until 6pm, which is when my shift usually ends, but I decided I’m not going to bother and I’ll just make up the hours on Saturday since I’m needed then anyway. That means that I may actually make it to yoga tonight, which is good considering I haven’t actually been in about 4 or 5 weeks because work + metabolic clinic all in one day is too many things for me, so yoga has had to go by the wayside until metabolic clinic is finished on April 5th.
Speaking of yoga, our teacher is pregnated! She already has a toddler, she goes to school for holistic medicine and she has a full-time job on top of teaching yoga, so she’s going to be one busy lady. We’ve signed up for the next session because I’d like to continue once metabolic clinic is over and done with. As I may have mentioned a time or two, I absolutely love yoga and I’m really looking forward to going tonight since it’s been so long. I bet she’s going to make me sweat…
Today at metabolic clinic we’re discussion our addictions. I am 6 days smoke-free and talking about smoking makes me want to have one so I hope they gloss over that and just talk about the addiction part. This is our last real class I think, as next week is our “graduation” and evaluation session. I’m not really sure what that means but I do know that I’m going to need to fill out my module evaluation sheets which I’ve been neglecting to do unless they’ve specifically asked me to do them at the end of class, as they have in some instances.
I’ve been doing the treadmill daily. The first day I did a total of 55 minutes but then the next day I was sore because my shoes are those Sketcher’s Shape Ups so I only did 20 minutes and I’ve only been doing 20 minutes since. In fact, instead of writing this post, I should probably get on the treadmill, especially since I’m at the very tail end of The Virgin Suicides and I’d really like to finish it so I can star Freedom by Jonathan Franzen since that’s Oprah’s current book club pick and I think she’s going to be doing the show about it sometime soon. I’ve never read one of Oprah’s book club picks while the book club was happening before and I’ve always skipped those episodes as a result, but this being her last season I figured I’d give it a shot, especially since I read in Adbusters that my generation doesn’t read enough Jonathan Franzen, so there’s that too. Have any of you read this book? What did you think of it? I don’t even know what it’s about, I haven’t read the back or anything and I know absolutely nothing about the author or his previous works. But whatever, I’m looking forward to cracking the spine on that thick sucker and I love that I got a treadmill with a book stand. Reading while walking is turning out to be something that I really enjoy. The treadmill even has a place for an MP# player to be plugged in and two cup holders that fot a can of Coke Zero perfectly. I’m totally set up!
Yesterday Blake brought me home dirt so when I’m NOT wearing my $200 hockey jersey or going to yoga, I have to start my veggies on the window sill. I have Super Sugar Snap peas, Napoli carrots, Thunder cucumbers, Parade green onions, Golden cherry tomatoes, Sugary cherry tomatoes and Big Beefsteak tomatoes. All I’m going to start inside this week is the cucumbers and all the tomatoes. The peas did fine last year with just being stuck in the garden and hopefully the carrots and onions will do the say. Last year the garden got overrun with weeds and I didn’t know what were weeds and what were vegetables so I couldn’t weed and the carrots and onions never grew. Neither did any of the herbs (that I know of, like I said, I couldn’t tell the difference between them and the weeds). This year I’m going to do herbs in pots on the porch, although part of me is thinking “why bother?” because fresh herbs at the grocery store really aren’t that expensive and we use frozen basil chunks for Blake’s awesome cherry tomato pasta anyway and I think they’re only $2.99 for 20 cubes. (I think he uses 4 in the tomato thing, maybe a bit more.) It just seems like, for the pain in the ass of it, it would just be easier to buy fresh herbs at the grocery store than tend my own.
Blah, I’m babbling. I’m gonna go finish The Virgin Suicides and get on the treadmill. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
PS. Yes I know I need to get my roots done. I was going to go to the new salon here in town to have highlights put in, but I’m broke right now so I bought a box of hair dye today at the pharmacy instead. I’ll go to the salon another time and just get Blake to trim my ends with my awesome art scissors. No big deal.
Okay, to tread I go!
PPS. I can’t go to yoga tonight! We’re playing the Sabres and I have to tweet 100 times about how much I hate Ryan Miller! Curses!
Blake surprised me tonight by getting us fresh face masks from Lush.
I”m wearing Cupcake and Blake’s wearing Love Lettuce.
And we’re watching the movie Despicable Me, where apparently
I am “exactly” like the character “Edith”.
My ex said that, I don’t know if it’s good or bad.
And since my copy of Sims Medieval isn’t here from Amazon yet,
Blake got me a copy of that too & then when the Amazon one comes
we’ll take it back to the store where Blake got THIS copy.
AND! He got me a small assorted sub for dinner from Mr. Sub.
AND! I did 55 minutes on the treadmill today.
So despite this afternoon’s absolute freakout, I’m having a pretty good day
because I have the best husband in the world.
<3
So obviously, “She’s Like A Rainbow” is finished and I’m really really proud of her because in person, she just looks amazing but now I’m thinking about future projects and the things coming up and I’m becoming completely overwhelmed by it all. When I become overwhelmed, I’m unfortunately the kind of person to just sit down wherever I am and cry and I’m trying very very hard not o do that.
I really wish they made a suitable paper planner for me to keep everything straight because right now, my TELUS calendar is just not helping me. I miss my Big Fat 5-Star planner. I don’t know why they stopped making those, they were great.
Anyway…
The drop off date for The Square Foot Show, which Blake says I should submit to just to give me the exposure AND the option of going to the gala if I choose to, is 3 weeks away. If I don’t submit, that’s no longer an option. Also, there are prizes because it’s a juried show and it’s not like I think I would actually win something but it’s like the lottery, you’re not gonna win if you don’t play, so I might as well play. But what I’m stressing over is what to submit. What is representative of my work *and* what don’t I mind giving away for only about $100? (They sell the pieces for $200 & change but keep 50 friggin’ percent.) I’m allowed to submit up to 3 pieces and since I paid $20 to be in this show, I feel I should submit the maximum allowed. Right now I’m thinking “Sparkle“, “Shimmer II” and “Five O’Clock Abortion“. What do you guys think of that selection? I was thinking of maybe putting in “Turquoise Love Fairy” instead of “Sparkle” but I dunno. I just think it has to be one or the other because I don’t want two fairies in the same show. Personally, I like “Sparkle” better, but she’s been in my Etsy shop for the last 7 months & hasn’t moved so maybe I could sell her at Sq. Foot, is what I’m thinking.
Then there’s also the fact that there are 3 weeks left until the submission date which means I have enough time to do 1 more painting for consideration, 2 if I really haul ass and get productive. I have ideas and I’m going to start 1 tomorrow, but the 2nd idea is going to have to wait until I learn a specific technique in my art class on Monday and really, if that one goes as planned, I’d rather have it in my Etsy shop than Sq. Foot.
This is the shit that keeps me up at night, seriously.
Also keeping me up at night is the fact that Touched By Fire has already sent out their call for entries and I don’t know if I’m going to submit this year or what I’m going to submit this year. I think I have until October or November to decide, which is nice, but that also crosses into my Xmas season issues. I’m told, and I’ve seen this with my own eyes, that in October/November, Etsy kinda goes crazy with Xmas sales, so I want to have my shop as full as possible. That’s only like, 2 months & change away. It takes me about 2 weeks to do a painting and I can do 2 at a time. That means I have a lot of work ahead of me and I’m not sure if I can do Touched By Fire *and* stock my shop for Xmas.
Honestly though, Touched By Fire kinda pisses me off. The show is put on by The Mood Disorders Association of Ontario, which is why I call it “the remedial art show” and the first year they accepted me, my first year submitting, they chose “Mania in the Key of Psychosis“, which is apt, and they juxtaposed that with “Hope” and “Dream“, which also makes sense. But when I submitted last year, I submitted a ton of paintings, including my “The Devil’s in the Details” which I thought was appropriate for a show called “Touched By Fire” and they didn’t accept me. That’s cool, I can handle rejection, but the thing is that almost all of the paintings I submitted were shiny, happy paintings and I almost feel like I wasn’t accepted because I got better. My meds are working (for the most part) so I make shiny, happy paintings now and that’s not what they want. They want tortured, moody depictions of mental illness and to me, that kinda seems like defeating the purpose of the Association, don’t you think? I mean, isn’t the goal here to help people get better? So why isn’t that represented in the show?
So that’s why I might not bother submitting to that show this year. I don’t want to paint something dark and moody specifically for that show because if it’s not accepted and if it IS accepted and doesn’t sell, then what the fuck am I going to do with it? My online audience of customers don’t want that shit and I kinda don’t know if it’s right to paint outside of your own headspace/mood just to get in a show, does that make sense?
“The Two Sunnies” would have been perfect for the show, but I gave that one to my shrink, partially as a “thank you” because she HAS helped me immensely but also to show her “hey, this is actually what I do for a living so quit telling me I don’t have a job” (and she hasn’t done that since, as a point of fact, every session she asks me if I’m painting because if I’m not painting it’s probably time to adjust my meds).
You can submit work to the show that’s not for ale, but I’d kinda feel like a dick asking her for it back, if only for a few weeks. Especially if something happened to it (the Touched By Fire people were NOT gentle with my work when they sent it back to me…).
And then there’s just trying to get my shop as full as possible for the Xmas season. Of COURSE I want to sell things the second I put them up, that would be great! But at the same time, I need to have a full shop by like, mid-October which means that I need to start painting my ass off (which I’ve been doing, I finished 3 paintings this month!). And that’s fine, I can do that, but things like Camwhores and WoW are going to have to get to the back of the line. And YES WoW is totally a recreational thing and I can see how the outside observer might be like “well not playing a video game is pretty easy” but when you’re an officer in a guild, especially, it’s a little more involved than that. People count on you. Camwhores? Well that’s just another can of worms.
For someone who “doesn’t do anything”, I sure seem to have a lot on my plate right now and I don’t really know how to make time for everything. I think painting has to be my #1 priority, WoW on weekends, Camwhores when I can’t sleep.Oh and there’s yoga too, can’t forget that…the art class I’m taking too….
When the kids go back to school, I’ll have more time to get things done, which will help a lot, so I have that to consider as well, especially when it comes to fitting Camwhores into my schedule.
Anyway, as I said, this is the shit that keeps me up at night. Hopefully now that it’s all out of my brain I can finally drag my ass to bed and sleep like a normal human being. Maybe?