October 16, 2015

Best Thing Ever #2: “The Womanizer”

If you’ll recall, a while back I said that if I found anything I considered to be the best thing ever, I’d tell you all about it. The first Best Thing Ever was the Philips Wakeup Light, which I still use, and Best Thing Ever #2 is this lovely little gadget, “The Womanizer“. The greatest sex toy ever created with the absolute worst possible name.

So last night I wanted to go to the sex shop and buy whatever their best water based lube happened to be and then get sushi. We go to the sex shop with the intent to buy ONE pump bottle of good lube but when we got there, the store was in a bit of disarray compared to the last time I’d been there because maybe they were rearranging things for Halloween or stocking new products or under new management or whatever but the lubes were easy enough to find because they were at the front of the store and the dude who was stocking them showed me where to find toy friendly water based lubes in both the flavoured and unflavoured variety. To be perfectly honest, flavours never even occurred to me. Whatever, I don’t need 20 gallons of lube, so I grab the pump bottle of what he suggested (a gel, it’s Canadian and pretty nice, but they were out of “Fuck Water” which is a product made in my province and would have preferred) and I start my loop around the store, half assedly keeping an eye out for a specific toy that a camgirl I knew used to have that I always wanted to try. It was like, a vibrating wand with a little plastic or rubber circle on the end of it to go around your clit. I didn’t see anything like that so Blake asked me if I wanted him to ask the guy to help us and I said sure and next thing I know, Mr. British Accent is trying to sell me this $229.99 clit stimulator with the worst fucking name ever: The Womanizer.

At first I was just like, flat out, no way, because I’d just purchased a LELO which was pretty pricey and felt I had blown my sex toy budget for the year, but the more he got  talking the more it sounded like an interesting idea: a touchless orgasm. You heard me, TOUCHLESS.  When I told him how I couldn’t see the Womanizer doing anything to me that my LELO didn’t already he asked, “how would you know? Have you ever had a touchless orgasm before?” Hrm.

I told him we’d look it up on the internet and come to a conclusion, paid for our lube and went to get sushi (which actually ended up being BBQ ribs and butter chicken). The whole time we were gone from the sex shop I was thinking “we should go back and get that” except I knew I didn’t have enough money for it after buying the LELO. As we waited for our food, Blake said something like, “That Womanizer thing seemed pretty interesting,” to which I replied “yeah I’m REALLY interested in that” and the next thing you know, we were back at the sex shop going halvsies on one.

The one above is the exact colours I got, but had I have had more patience, I would have ordered from Amazon and got the blue one, which I think is cooler. If you’re in the US, click here. Also, not gonna lie, it’s $40 cheaper on Amazon Canada than the Stag Shop (Canadian sex shop), but for $13 I got the Stag Shop’s extended warranty which covers it for 2 years and even covers when it inevitably stops holding its charge. (Oh yeah, it’s rechargeable.)

Anyway, this is how you use it:

You lay down or sit down and relax, spread your legs and put the opening of the Womanizer’s suction cup lookin’ thing over your clitoris so it’s covered by it. The Womanizer makes this easier to do by glowing red in the dark if you press the power button and turn it on before applying it to your clit. Pressing the power button turns it on the lowest possible setting so you’re not notta have anything shocking hit your clit or anything. Then with your thumb, because they designed this thing pretty brilliantly for how you’d hold it, you can increase the pressure/vibrations 5 more times. Then you wait. Seriously. Lay there and wait and within 5 minutes you will have an intense orgasm that causes things to pulse and convulse. Hit the power button again to bring it back down instantly to the lowest setting which lulls your clit back into a warm, nice place and then wait another minute or two, then turn the setting back up with your thumb and within 3 minutes you’ll have your 2nd Earth shattering orgasm.  Repeat until you’re spent!

Clean up is SO SO SO easy. You just pop off the suction cup part and clean it with soap and water, dry it off and replace. It fits in your hand so it’s discrete. Nothing worse than having to walk down the hallway carrying a Fist of Adonis to the bathroom and getting busted by one of your kids. (Kidding! Sort of….)

So that was last night. Last night I used it with a dob of lube on my clit figuring it would be necessary but it  really isn’t, and I had 3 orgasms. This afternoon I used The Womanizer without lube and had around 8 or 9 orgasms in about 15 minutes. I finally feel like my multiorgasmic self who ISN’T sexually gimped by antidepressants! Hooray!

Also the orgasms are somehow deeper with The Womanizer than any traditional clitoral vibe I’ve used. It really is touchless. There’s a teeny tiny bit of suction, but it’s not a suction device. It’s a vibration device but what’s vibrating is the air WITHIN the suction cup part, like when you put your hand up to a subwoofer and feel the air in front of it pulsating. The Womanizer is very similar.

Anyway, I can’t possibly imagine buying another clitoral device again. There’s no point, this one is perfect! Now if only we could get them to rename it…

THE END.