Super old cam pic from when I made hundreds of wax paper hearts for mobiles that I put up over our windows for Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day has always been one of my favourite holidays, even though these days I don’t do a whole lot for it. In past years, I’ve been known to do special creative projects for the holiday, such as the mobile pictured above, or I’ve sent out Valentines to my online friends, but as I’ve gotten older (and poorer and busier)  these things have fallen by the wayside. That’s okay though, because I know it won’t always be like this and I’ll be able to do more in future years. (Kind of like my attitude toward Halloween. I want to be one of those families that decorates their house and gives out awesome candy but alas, we don’t get any trick-or-treaters where we are and couldn’t afford to do it even if we did.)

Anyway, Blake & I aren’t doing anything special today, especially because he, Wes & I seem to have a particularly nasty stomach bug of some kind and our bathroom has practically had a revolving door all weekend.

Valentine’s Day means two things, however. It means that there’s only two weeks until my birthday and everyone should get me lots & lots of presents and it also means that there’s one month until Steak & Blowjob Day. Since my article on giving head is linked on the Steak & BJ Day website, it means that my site is currently getting twice the traffic it normally gets and by the time the actual holiday rolls around, my traffic will have tripled. That’s a whole lot of new people around here reading my crap! So hello new people! Welcome to Sunnyland! Glad to have ya. :o)

Another thing Valentine’s Day means, to me and some of my friends at least, is that it’s Love Your Vulva day, or V-Day for short, something that we’ve been celebrating all month over at Buttercup. Buttercup’s actually been pretty hoppin’ all month, you should pop over there and check it out. So far this month we’ve had articles on VDay.org, Katie’s sexually repressed upbringing, how chicks dig porn, Blake’s experiences growing up in a penis-centric world, an article on our featured site, Camwhores.com, an article on vulva art, phenomenal woman, Holly Hughes, who you’ve probably never heard of but probably should, and finally an article by Jade about some of the strangest vulva-centric products we’ve ever seen – with much more to come during the rest of the month! We’ve also added two new groups to the mix. S/he is a group about sexism and so far the conversations have been really interesting and enlightening and we also added a group for sports, which needs a better name than “Sports”, so if you have any ideas on that, we’d love to hear them! Along with the new groups, we’ve also redesigned the front page a little bit and we have plans to redesign it further for next month. Lots of changes thanks to the feedback we got from the Buttercup community at the end of January! Thanks readers!

So, things over at Buttercup are doing good. You should take a peek if you get the chance. :o)

I realize this month I’ve been fairly quiet as far as blog posts go and there are a million reasons for that, namely preparing for and celebrating Wes’ 7th birthday, but also I’ve been hard at work painting ACEOs for my Etsy shop since art is pretty much all I can do when I’m in the kind of pain I’ve been in for the past couple of weeks due to endometriosis issues. I plan on doing nothing but working on ACEOs until this batch is finished because so far, they’ve proven to be pretty popular items in my Etsy shop, having sold half of the first batch I put up 2 weeks ago with the other half getting plenty of views. This first batch that I put up was of gold & black and purple & gold cards and right now all that’s left is the gold ones. The ones I’m working on are more purple & gold ones, some green & gold ones and a whole bunch of red & gold ones. I’ll, of course, make a post when this batch is ready and up on Etsy. In the meantime, you should take a look at the gold & black ones I have up there currently as I think they turned out rather well and hey, these things are supposed to be collectible, so if you buy a gold & black one this month, there’s no reason you can’t buy a red & gold one next month! *cough*

As I’m reading the Etsy forums, I’m learning that ideally what you’re supposed to do is market to people outside of Etsy and bring them into your shop. For that reason, I spent yesterday afternoon designing Moo cards with my artwork on the front of them and my website addresses on the back to include a couple with Etsy orders. By including more than one, it means the buyer will probably keep one and potentially give the other one(s) to friends. I’m also working on getting the funds for another promotional item, which I’ll write more about after I have the money to order them and actually send them out to people. If all goes as planned though, they’re pretty cool – or at least I think so – plus they have sentimental value, which again, I’ll write more about when I actually have them in my possession. (I’m only 1 ACEO sale away from being able to order them!)

And I guess that’s all I really have to say at the moment. It’s been a busy month and it’s going to continue to be busy. My neighbour’s daughter, Ashley, is due to have her baby any day now, so since my neighbour (Judy) doesn’t have a camera, I’ve lent her mine and that’s why there haven’t been pictures of anything in my recent posts. Ashley was actually due like, 4 or 5 days ago, so she could literally pop any day now and I should get my camera back soon.

Okay, I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day! I’m off to watch the Olympics and work on these ACEOs.

I’m exhausted, I don’t even know why I’m writing this.

This morning I had to get up early so we could be in Toronto for my 11:30am post-op appointment with the endometriosis specialist who did my surgery in August. Getting up early kinda sucked because I had trouble sleeping the night before, but it was free hashbrown day at Tim Horton’s if you bought a breakfast sandwich and their bacon & egg breakfast biscuits are soooooooo good and I hadn’t had one in about 6 months. So at least the day started off okay despite the suckage of early rising.

It took us forever to get to the Dr.’s office because of construction but we finally got there and I barely even got to sit down in the waiting room before they called my name.

First, here’s the post-op report (most of which I don’t understand) and then I’ll get into what the resident told me about the surgery:

Page 3 just says that the anesthesia was reversed and I was taken to the recovery room.

So long story short on the post-op report is that things were pretty fucked up in there, in fact the resident said flat out it was the worst he’s ever seen (no idea how long he’s been a resident). There was endo on and in my bowels, colon and bladder…just, as you can read, everywhere. What was interesting though is that they cut some nerves in there somewhere without asking me beforehand if I was okay with that. I am okay with that, but I find it a little strange that this part of the surgery wasn’t explained to me in the beginning. The resident who was explaining how the surgery went mentioned it (I forget what it’s called and I’ve stopped trying to make sense of the above report) and said it like I knew what he was talking about. When I said no, Dr. Leyland didn’t explain that to me beforehand, he looked a little embarrassed and explained that they cut these nerves in there so that when the endo grows back, which it inevitably will, I shouldn’t be in as much pain and in the meantime, my periods should be less painful both with the removal of all the disease they could find and these severed nerves, but that it could take 3-6 months for the effect to kick in. (I don’t know why.)

But of course, they don’t want the disease to grow at the rate it had been over the past 8 years, so to slow the growth I’m on a birth control pill continuously for 3 months, then I’ll have a period, go back on the pill for 3 months and repeat for a year. Then they want me to come back. If the pill doesn’t lessen the pain of my periods, they’re going to try an IUD that secretes the same(ish?) kind of hormones as the birth control pill but in different amounts.

All in all, I’m optimistic. I got emotional in the car when we left because already I’ve been able to do a few things that I haven’t been able to do for a long time because I’ve always been in too much pain, like dance around my house.

On the way home, Blake asked if I minded if we stopped off at his work because he had to change some data tapes and he said it would only take 10 minutes. I asked him what was in it for me and he asked what I wanted and I decided on a cherry slush from Dairy Queen. So he went into the mall and into work (his work is the top floor of a mall) while I baked in the car and tweeted like a crazy person and came up with the most brilliant idea ever which I shared with him when he finally came out with my slush: we had enough time to spend an hour & a half at the beach before the kids got home from school.

So that’s what we did. We got home, got our pool noodles, towels and swimming attire and headed off to Wasaga Beach, which is about 10 minutes from our house and, as I’ve maybe mentioned before, is like, the longest fresh water beach in the world. I took this pic with my phone and sent it to Twitter:

We walked out into the water, which was cold, but felt soooooo good after being in the hot car all day and floated there, just talking about random stuff for about an hour and then we got cold so we decided to get out and go to the grocery store to grab some stuff for dinner. That’s one of the cool things about Wasaga Beach, you can walk into the grocery store with wet hair and a damp towel wrapped around you and no one really cares.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I’m addicted right now to these shishkabobs they sell at the meat section of a certain chain of grocery stores and that’s what we intended to get but instead, we got these steaks that were marinated in the same stuff as the shishkabobs (which I think may contain crack). We said hi to Wayne, who works at the grocery store, then we got in the car and went home.

There was still about 15 minutes until the kids were going to be home from school so Blake and I HAD THE MARITAL RELATIONS IN THE DAY TIME and then the kids came home and we bragged about going to the beach. they were not pleased with us.

Then I went over & hung out with my neighbour Judy for a bit while Blake made dinner. The marinated steaks were okay, nowhere near as awesome as the shishkabobs, but still pretty good and Blake also did garlic butter potatoes on the BBQ so dinner was more or less amazing.

Thennnnnnnnn nothing happened, we just screwed around online and bugged the children and I watched Deal or No Deal with Wayne and then it was time to come back home to watch the season premiere of 90210 and now here I sit writing this post.

So as the title says, today was a pretty good day. Tomorrow I can sleep in, maybe get some painting done and watch a few movies and then it’s the weekend! Yay!

THE END.

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Hello internets. How are you today? Good I hope.

I realize I haven’t been much of a textibitionist lately and that it seems like I haven’t been online a whole lot and I thought I’d write a bit about why that is and then share with you all some interesting things about this website.

My neighbours are having a tough time of things right now and to help them save money on childcare costs, I’ve been watching their 9-year-old daughter in the afternoons from the time her mom goes to work and her dad comes home from work. That means that from about 2pm until about 6:30pm there are three very loud, very bored, very ready to go back to school children in my house and I’ve found that this makes it next to impossible to stick to my usual routine of making art and internetting.

Along with five other girls, plus Blake, I’ve been busy working on that TOP SEKRIT PROJEKT I’ve not been talking about since the spring and very very soon it’s going to launch and not be so TOP SEKRIT anymore. Because of that, it’s sort of crunch time and I’ve been pretty stressed out about it.

On top of that there’s getting the kids ready for school, which starts in a week, a shrink appointment on September 4th that I need to prepare for (she’s going to ask me about immersion therapy which is totally something I don’t even want to talk about right now) and my post-op appointment with the endo specialist on September 10th in Toronto. Plus I think my in-laws are going to be visiting during the last two weeks of September as well.

Along with all of the above, I’ve been working really hard to get my last series of paintings done (“Sparkle”, “Shimmer” & “Shine) and ready to submit to the Touched By Fire people for entry into the show this year, as well as writing what basically ended up being like, an artist bio/press release to be used in media for the show, which I know I mentioned previously.

In between all of that, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my neighbours, who I’ve now dubbed “my second family” because I’ve been hanging out with them so much and we also spent a day at my mother’s boyfriend’s cottage where we swam, jumped on a water trampoline thing, watched his son do wakeboard tricks and even got to see Blake on a pair of water skis. In the last two weeks I’ve had two REALLY bad sunburns back to back, which wasn’t fun. In fact, I’m still really itchy from the burn I got the day we went to the cottage.

The scratches are where I made Blake scratch the shit out of me because I was so itchy.

Blake water skiing.

So that’s what I/we’ve been up to in a nutshell. Also, I recently discovered this extremely stupid, extremely addictive video game called Plants vs. Zombies that everyone in this house is currently obsessed with. (Thanks a lot KATIE. :oP) I’m hoping that once the kids start school and my days are free again, that I’ll be able to get the paintings that I have on the go finished and ready for sale (including “Devil Girl”) and to be able to pay more attention to expanding my horizons. This is the first year both kids are going to be at school every day (jr. & sr. kindergarten was Mondays, Wednesdays and every other Friday) and I’m not quite sure yet how I’m going to spend most of my time. Making art, definitely, but in between making art I’m not entirely sure.

There’s also the matter of moving, which has been on mine & Blake’s minds a lot over the summer. he doesn’t feel as though his current position within the company is as secure as it was before the economy went to shit and the number of departments closing is kind of scary, so he’s started positioning himself for a better job within the company. Right now he’s a…I dunno, a technology analyst (??) and the new job he’s hoping to get is something to do with databases. The issue though, is that the database stuff is all based out of Toronto, which is about an h our & a half away from us. This makes for a brutal commute, especially in the winter which hits our area pretty hard causing roads to often close and snow days galore. That means it would make more sense to move further south both so we’re not spending crazy amounts of money on gas and car maintenance and also so we aren’t forced to spend less time together as a family. The problem is, we don’t know where to move, what kind of house to move into, whether we want to live in a rural area or into a town or even what kind of life we want for ourselves and the kids when we do move. There are so many pros and cons to all of the above, that we don’t even know where to begin sorting it all out. But I’ll save that for another post because right now, in the immediate present, he doesn’t have the job, hasn’t even applied for the job (because the job doesn’t technically exist yet), so we’re staying put.

Anyway, onto analytics.

Like most people with websites, I run stats on mine using Google Analytics. Truthfully, I rarely log in anymore to check them out because my traffic hasn’t changed in years (2500-3000 unique visitors per month…why like, 0.01% of these people actually make contact or post comments is beyond me) and I don’t really care what people are reading or paying attention to because I’m going to post whatever I want anyway. I do find the referrals interesting, but again, they don’t really change much from month to month and I’ve found myself caring less and less as the years go by.

That said, tonight I logged into my analytics just out of boredom and found myself on the “Keywords” page, the page that tells me what people are putting into search engines to land on my site, and some of this stuff cracked me up so as I do every now & then, I thought I’d share and give a little commentary.

The #1 search criteria to find me is of course, my name. That’s a given. But I had 9 visits in the last 30 days from someone (or maybe a few someones) searching for “sunny crittenden + marketing magazine“. Hmmm. Yes, this month I was in Marketing magazine due to the Hypercube debacle, but I’ve also written articles for Marketing magazine in the past and I wonder what exactly this person or persons were looking for – the Hypercube article or the articles I’d written for them in the past. Curious.

Next on the list was “sucking cock“, “blowjobs” and “elf porn“. The former two likely due to my guide on doing just that, and the latter is because I referenced it ONCE in a blog post I made probably two years ago now when I was playing World of Warcraft. Also in the same vein there was “girl guides suck cock“, “what to expect after anal sex“, “are blowjobs good for the tongue muscles“, “cock loving nurses teach cock sucking galleries” (wut?), “does sucking dick actually turns your lips pink?“, “elderly man’s cock in my pussy“, “girls sucking own clit” (very flexible girls?), “how to put lube in asshole“, “suck head penis until blow up sperms“, “sucking cock whilst giving birth” (WTF?) and “why do some ladies don’t enjoy giving a man a blowjob“.

Below that was “sarah sunny crittenden“, which I also found curious. “Sarah”, as most of you know, is the name my mother gave me. So who would be searching for that? Three people, apparently. o_O

Oddly enough, further down the list were “suzi blu“, “suzi blu drama“, “suzi blu is a fake“, “suziblu.ning.com“, “+ suzi blu“, “disenchanted with suzi blu“, “suzi blu and willowing drama“,  “suzi blu doesn’t refund“, “suzi blu ning“, “suziblu insanity bitch” and “encyclopedia dramatica suzi blu“. (Sidenote: If you weren’t aware, Encyclopedia Dramatica lampooned Suzi pretty good a few months back.) It appears as though there are at least 8 people this month who are unhappy with Suzi Blu for whatever reason and their searches are landing on the few posts I made about my experiences with her this spring. To those who are here due to Suzi Blu, I’d like to redirect you to Marylin, the internet’s resident Suzi Blu expert.

Also interesting, yet not all that surprising, were Nissan Cube, Hypercube and Capital C searches, such as these: “cubecommunity.ca” (which launched last week I think and as suspected it’s a fucking joke), “tony chapman fake“, “can a dog fit in the back of a nissan cube“, “length of bed in nissan cube“, “capital c nissan“, “hypercube aftermath“, “hypercube contest fix“, “nissan cube bra“, “sunny nissan key code reader“, “sunny crittenden hypercube“, “tony chapman + cube” and “tony chapman + douchebag“.

Others I found entertaining were the following: “sunny camwhore styleproject“, “stileproject cam portal” (someone oldschool must be looking for me- here I am! *waves*), “thank you universe” (I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s thankful), “i am so over humanity“, “president’s choice decadent cookies” (the only store-bought cookies worth putting in your mouth, imo), “shaved my head” (neat! so did I! *high five*), “born without arms boy” (???), “cam girl documentary” (don’t even ask me when it’s coming out…it’s been in post for like, 4 years), “camwhore chali” (hey Chali, someone oldschool must be looking for you too!), “camwhores password“, “camwhores.com password“, “how do i save videos from camwhores.com” (good luck finding a password, my CW password is actually more secure than my online banking password and as far as saving videos…there are programs that record anything you see on your screen but I don’t remember what any of them are called. I think the Mac one might be Snapz?), “camwhores the documentary” (non-existent), “can risperidone slow down your metabolism” (YES and to add to its evil nature, it also increases your appetite), “memoirs of a web cam girl” (one day, one day…), “prevent hacking taking risperidone” (I have no idea what this means), “sunny crittenden selfish” (hahaha! well whatever, one person out there on the world wide web thinks I’m selfish, I think I can live with that), “well aren’t we just a ray of fucking sunshine canada“, “which pills will kill me” (:o(), and last but not least (and definitely my favourite), “sunny crittenden bitch“.

Long story short, since it’s damn near 6am, people search for weird crap and end up finding me. I’m honoured and I hope all of you new people stick around to see that there’s much more to me than blowjobs, webcams and that goddamn Nissan Cube.

Goodnight!

1. Suicide Girls Do Fight Club (interesting since they’re named for a Palahniuk book, Survivor, I think)

2. “Rap Chop”

ENJOY!

Backstory: I got my first period when I was 9, but it was super irregular until I was about 13.  I was 11 when the pain started, though. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor and me showing him exactly where it hurt because the night before I couldn’t sleep because of the pain and circled, with pen, exactly where it hurt, which I now know to be the general area of my left ovary.

My doctor assumed I was constipated and gave me a suppository.

Well I wasn’t constipated and the suppository obviously did nothing and a month later we were back at the doctor’s as I had missed approximately 2 weeks of the month of school due to this pain I was having. My doctor decided that I was just having painful, irregular periods and put me on a low dose birth control pill called Marvelon, which I would then be on for the next 11 years. Along with prescribing the pill, he subtly suggested that perhaps my pain was psychosomatic or that I was exaggerating it to get out of school.

Well, the pill did nothing as far as pain and since no one was believing me I suffered alone in my room and bought my own Tylenol and Advil at the corner store in my little town with money I stole from my mom’s wallet and kept it in my bag and eventually my locker. I popped that shit like candy. What I didn’t know at the time, because I was still a kid, the internet had barely been invented (and I didn’t have a computer) and the libraries were surprisingly bare of books on painful menstruation, is that using tampons was probably not the best choice of menstrual product as they were, in fact, making my pain worse.

When I was 14, back to the doctor I went. My periods were regular by this point and it was obvious that there was a co-relation between my periods, ovulation and the pain I was having, which was increasing in intensity.

My doctor gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3. Thirty of them every month with 12 repeats, which admittedly I abused like crazy.

When I was 15, back I went again because my Tylenol 3 repeats had run out and somewhere along the line, someone had said the word “endometriosis”, which I looked up at the library and it seemed to me that it was likely that this was what had been causing me pain for the last 5 years.  So I brought up this possibility to my doctor and he said “that might make sense” and told me to take my birth control pills back to back, with no breaks for a period, for a year to see if things got any better.

Well, all that really did was make the pain less predictable and after about 8 or 10 months of that, I went back to my doctor and said this treatment is bullshit, send me to an OB/GYN, which he did.

Her name was Dr. Peters and she worked out of Markham-Stouffville Hospital, which was a fairly new hospital. She agreed that endometriosis was likely and that she wanted to do a laparoscopy to confirm it.

While she was doing the laparoscopy, she said that if endometriosis was found, she’d use a tool to cauterize it.

I had just turned 16 when I had the first laparoscopy wher yes, endometriosis was found, a lot of it in fact, and Dr. Peters cauterized about 40% of it because that’s all she had time for. She said that my uterus was stuck to the back wall of my pelvic cavity by adhesions (caused by the endometriosis) and that one of my ovaries was stuck to the side of my uterus.

The plan was to continue on the birth control pills without any breaks for a period and another laparoscopy a year later to remove the rest of the lesions.

Now, one of the treatments for endometriosis are drugs to put your body into a state of temporary menopause (for 6 months) and the main drugs used are called Danazol, which has wicked side effects like major weight gain, facial hair, acne and a deepening of one’s voice, not to mention hot flashes and depression and Lupron which has many of the same side effects, although not as bad, except with Lupron you have the added side effect of bone mineral density loss and with my family’s history of osteoporosis Imy dad & I didn’t think it was a good idea to put my body through all of that, hence the second surgery instead.

So when I was 17, almost exactly one year after the first surgery, I had my second and to my doctor’s surprise the 40% of the endometriosis she had removed the year before had grown back completely “and then some” so she did her best to remove what she could in the alotted operating room time and during my follow up appointment she and I had a serious talk about infertility as I had two strikes against me.

First of all, I had the endometriosis, but secondly the cauterization causes scar tissue and since I had endometriosis in delicate places such as my ovaries (and the outside of my bladder and bowels, which were inoperable as it would potentially cause more damage than the endo) I was looking at being completely infertile before my 20’s. Long story short, at 17 I had a hard decision to make, either have a child early (way early) or risk not being able to have them at all. I chose to conceive and had my daughter when I was 19 because it took that long to conceive.

The endometriosis, as far as I could tell, stayed dormant while I was pregnant with her and theoretically that bought me some fertility time. I was pain free and could even use tampons for about a year or two after having her but then things started to get painful again and when I was 22, I found myself back in Dr. Peters’ office discussing my 3rd laparoscopy.

The 3rd one went well and I attribute it to being able to conceive my son. Unfortunately when I was pregnant with him, the endometriosis didn’t stay dormant as it had with my daughter and the pregnancy was much more difficult as a result. After he was born and my periods resumed they just got more and more painful every month.

Present: Now I’m 30, it’s been 8 years since my last surgery and I’m in absolute agony during my period, mild agony during ovulation and in general pain for the majority of the rest of the month. I can only have sex about once a month because I’m only pain-free for a few days out of the month, otherwise sex causes me immense pain not only during but for up  to 3 days after.

I haven’t used a tampon in over 6 years because it hurts so much and things are so tight getting one in would be quite the chore and keeping one in would be next to impossible due to pain.

Tomorrow I’m going into the hospital for laparoscopy #4 where the doctor will just be looking around to see the extent of the disease and writing a report of his findings to refer me to another doctor in Toronto who, in 3-6 months from now, will do laparoscopy #5 and will vaporise as much of the endometriosis as he can see with a laser.

Obviously tomorrow’s surgery won’t hurt as much as the next one, but I’m still pretty nervous about it for several reasons. I’m terrified and completely grossed out by IV’s and will probably cry when it comes time for them to give me mine. I hate the doctor who’s doing the surgery because, as you may recall, he treated me like a piece of shit during our consultation. The idea of being “put out” scares me because I’m afraid I won’t wake up or worse, I’ll wake up during the surgery. The pelvic pain afterward doesn’t really bother me, I’ve had worse periods than that and I’ve got a lovely prescription for Tylenol 3, but they fill your abdomen up with gas during the procedure and afterward that gas settles in your back and shoulders and hurts like a motherfucker, especially when you laugh and you’re so loopy from the drugs you tend to laugh a lot directly after surgery.

I’m also scared of kids or dogs jumping on me and hurting me. I’m afraid of my incisions getting infected, which happened after surgery #3 and was NOT pleasant.

Besides all of that, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself for the 3 or 4 days it takes to feel normal again. I’m not one to just lay on the couch and watch TV. I’m afraid that some of the projects I’m working on will fall by the wayside, especially when one of them is extremely time sensitive with strict deadlines (well, deadlines that are largely in my own head, admittedly).

I’m also not looking forward to getting up at 5:30am tomorrow morning when I’m used to going to bed half an hour prior. I’m not looking forward to the Naproxen suppository they’re insisting I stick up my ass an hour before leaving for the hospital (so when I wake up, basically). I’m not really down with the whole not eating or drinking anything after midnight when usually I do most of my eating and drinking after midnight.

I’m not looking forward to having this done in a hospital I don’t know very well at all by a doctor who’s a total cockface and if it weren’t for those two things, I’d probably be more chill about the whole thing because hello, I’ve done this 3 times before and I know it’ll be fine.

Anyway, I dunno what else to say about it so I’ll just leave you with these lovely pictures of endometriosis as seen through a laparoscope that I found on Google image search.

The black and red spots are mild endometriosis. To me it looks like mold.

The red spots are endometriosis. I’m not a doctor nor an expert, but I theorize that the woman whose pelvic cavity this is was very close to her period as the lesions look to be inflaming and filling up with blood, about to shed themselves and spread to other parts of the pelvic cavity.

A chocolate cyst (also called an endometrioma) on an ovary. When these burst, they really fucking hurt.

A cluster of chocolate cysts. Again, I think it looks like mold.

There are tons more pictures on Google image search but a lot of them are pretty gross so I decided not to post them here. If interested, do a search for “laparoscopy endometriosis” or just “endometriosis” and you’ll see what I mean. Also, for more information on endometriosis and its treatments, here’s a fairly well-rounded overview of it all and Wikipedia of course has an entry about it.

Anyway, tomorrow’s going to be an adventure, so wish me luck.

On Saturday, March 14th it’s unofficially Steak and Blowjob Day, a holiday made up by some dude I’ve never heard of to sort of counter balance Valentine’s Day. For years and years and years, my guide to sucking cock has been linked on their site and up until the past few years, I’ve enjoyed a nice spike in traffic as a result.

However…for the past two or three years, around the time of Steak & Blowjob Day, I get approximately 100+ e-mails from people saying “oh you have a dead link” because you see, the link the Steak & Blowjob people have up on their site to my guide to sucking cock has been WRONG for about that length of time.

People. THEY have a dead link. I don’t have a dead link. My links work just fine. In fact the article you’re looking for? It’s right here and has been for quite some time.

To head off the inevitable “dead link” e-mails this year, THREE MONTHS AGO I went to the Steak & Blowjob Day site and looked for an e-mail address for whoever was in charge so I could tell them the proper url for the article and to thank them for the traffic every year, but alas, there was none to be found, so I went to their forums, signed up and messaged who I’m assuming is their admin with what I just said. To date I have had no acknowledgement that this message was received and I’m assuming not as the link is still the old link, which, as I said, has been dead for a good two to three years, if not longer.

So, if any Steak & Blowjob Day supporters are smart enough to actually get to my site by using the domain from the dead link, congratulations and welcome! The article you’re looking for, once again, is right here. For everyone else that would otherwise e-mail me to say “dead link” fuck you, you’re e-mailing the wrong person! Get ahold of the powers that be over at Steak & Blowjob Day and tell THEM. Maybe you’ll be more successful than I was.

So I’ve said my piece on that, Happy Steak & Blowjob Day in advance and if you dug that article, here are two more you may be interested in:

Sunny’s Guide to Anal Sex
Pussy, It’s What’s For Dinner

(Please note: Just because these articles are here and I wrote them, it doesn’t mean I give TWO SHITS about your sex life and all e-mails asking for sex advice will be ignored and/or publicly ridiculed, depending on the level of retardation involved. Thank you.)

Please do not send them.

—————————- Original Message —————————-
Subject: Question – BJs
From: [Withheld]
Date: Tue, June 12, 2007 10:34 pm
To: Sunny@SunnyCrittenden.com
————————————————————————–

Hi Sunny -

Sites like yours are a blessing for those of us who are recently divorced (46) and was never too interested in blowing my ex – but my bf is a TOTALLY different story – he is amazing with his tongue (which my ex never bothered to try) and I’d love to return the favor!

I read your tips on giving good blow jobs – great information. I was hoping you could answer a question that I didn’t see in BJs 101 – and the quicker the better!! I’m leaving for 2 weeks 6/14 and would really like to give my man a mind blowing blow-job before I go. (Because obviously I’m not very good at it).

THE BIG QUESTION:

I was trying my best to give him a great one the other night – and when I got “cocksucker’s cramp” (love that term!!!), I started trying to blow him ?shallowly? AND giving him a hand job at the same time. This seemed to have the opposite effect I was going for – he started getting soft.

Do you recommend trying this (technique) or just playing with his balls?

I feel really stupid asking this question – but when I found your site, I felt you really cared about teaching us “newbies” good technique – and I definitely need THAT!

Thanks in advance – hoping you might be able to answer soonest.

Keep up the good work and take care!

[Name withheld]

————————————————————————–

So, apparently my biological father’s in the audience and he’s having a hard time with “what I do” since he thinks “what I do” is porn. Well, it’s not…exactly. It IS adult though and that’s why I do it at Camwhores.com because let’s face it, I don’t want my kids stumbling on it any more than you do and the fact is, they’re not going to get to see anything of mine over there without access to an adult’s credit card. (And if they do, you’re probably a horrible parent.)

Wanna know what I do on cam? I masturbate. The only difference between me broadcasting it on a webcam and you doing it wherever and however you do it is that thousands of people watch me while I do it. I do this maybe four or five times a year (and I masturbate a hell of a lot more than that, as do most of the people reading this, possibly my father included). I make people happy, and that makes me happy.

Making people happy is what I do, mostly.

But I don’t just do it by adult means. I also do it by writing,
fiction and non-fiction, every single day of my life. Writing this site,
in my Live Journal, talking to people in IM and other places, using forums
and e-mail…I’m really really busy. The reason I stay on
Camwhores.com even though it’s become more porn-ish (it was very
different when I started there) is because I can stream live and actually
chat with the audience in real time and not be censored like you are on
YouTube. If you wanna flash your titties, you just go on ahead. Some of us
womenfolk have that weird exhibitionist streak in us, see Girls Gone Wild
or Mardis Gras for further proof.

Masturbation isn’t something I’m ashamed of, and no one will ever make me feel ashamed of it. Not when there’s 200+ women on that site, all so so different, from different cultures and different walks of life, who do the same thing (and more) and that’s just on ONE english-speaking cam portal. There’s a lot of history to this thing I call cam culture, and I love being in the thick of it, sorry. *shrug*

There’s no other place on the whole damn internet where I can do what I do there, even fully clothed. There’s also a community there if you look past the titties to see it. When I update my cam on Camwhores, almost instantly friends I’ve had online for 5 years will pop up and
we’ll have a nice chat. Some are cammers, some are viewers, and some I know more about than members of my own family. It’s fun (and very very weird, which is why I don’t do it very often anymore).

But you have kids!

So? Do your kids know what you’re doing after they go to bed? No? Neither do mine.

Obviously they see some aspects of the things I do online, but I’m not an idiot. They only see what’s age appropriate, and there are safeties in place. I’m on Camwhores.com exclusively, a site which is filtered on every computer they touch at home or at school, and most of their friends have filters in place too. So it’ll be a long while, I think, before they have a chance to stumble on that aspect of my life. Chances are I’ll tell them long before they find it on their own. The internet’s a big place after all.

Why is it called Camwhores?

It’s a tongue-in-cheek term similar to how a fanatic for shoes is called a “Shoe whore”. Camwhores are people who are fanatical about expressing themselves, ideally live, through their webcams.

Any questions? E-mail me. (Sunny Crittenden (at) Sunny Crittenden.com)

Readers Ask: My girlfriend won’t cum when I give her oral sex, what am I doing wrong?

How to Be a Cunning Linguist…or Something

Well babycakes, you know how I said in my last article that blowjobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still pretty good? Unfortunately the same thing does not apply to eating pussy. Because each woman is different, I can only report on what works for me and the general consensus of the girls I talk to. (And believe me, we discuss this stuff more than you could even imagine.)

I think the first thing to remember when going down on a girl is that not all pussies are created equal. Just because your ex enjoyed having your thumb up her ass while you lapped at her like a hungry dog, doesn’t mean I’m going to, okay? (But hey, some chicks dig that and like all anal play, I suggest you discuss this with her before trying anything funny.)

In talking with friends during our lunch hour, we came to several conclusions on what makes us purr or scream, or moan or whatever. The first thing we all agreed on was that, like giving head, knowing the difference between a “soft tongue” and a “hard tongue” is key. A hard tongue on a fully engorged clit is rarely a pleasurable thing and you’ll be putting ice on your face for several hours after you get a heel to the head.

You see, the clit gets sensitive really quickly, and when it does, it actually HURTS. Once it gets to that point, it almost feels as though someone’s going at it with a palm sander.



Another point I’d like to bring up is that the clit is key. Your tongue, unless it’s 4-6 inches long, is NOT a mini-cock. A girl’s g-spot is approximately 4-6 inches inside her vagina, so no matter how far you stick your tongue up there, you’re probably not going to reach it, making the move pretty much useless. The point to eating pussy is to stimulate the clit, and, if you’re especially talented, the g-spot, all at the same time.

To do this, place two fingers inside her while she’s laying on her back (not the best position for your elbows but too bad). Just below her cervix (that little bally thing with the crack in it), and above that rough spot (you know the one I mean) there’s a flat place. With both fingers, gently stroke that spot in the “come here” motion, curling your fingers towards the front of her body. You might feel it sort of push against your fingers and the entire vagina should get tighter after about a minute of doing this. (However, this move might take a bit of practice.)

As you’re using your fingers inside her, concentrate on the HOOD of the clit, using a soft tongue in circular motions. (This part varies wildly; some women say up & down tongue motions are better, but personally I say circular and so do 3 of the 4 friends I talked to about it.) A good rule of thumb when eating pussy is that the wetter it is, the better. There should be a decent layer of saliva or pussy juice between your tongue and her clit. No girl wants a dry tongue scraping across the most sensitive part of her body and no guy wants a concussion when she starts beating him over the head to stop.

Now, the most important thing when going down on a girl is to know how to read her. The majority of women aren’t going to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. This probably isn’t news but we’re chickenshits.

The easiest way to tell whether or not a chick is on her way to absolute bliss or just wondering what colour to paint the ceiling, is to listen to her breathing. Most girls hold their breath when they’re about to cum. I don’t know why, but we do. We even do it when we’re not going to cum but something feels good. If you listen to your girl very carefully while you’re down there, you might hear her stop breathing, then exhale louder than usual. This is a good sign. This means keep doing exactly what you’re doing. It doesn’t mean do it harder, faster, whatever, just keep doing exactly what you’re doing because it’s working.

Another good indication of your progress is her legs. If they twitch every time you do a certain thing, don’t do it. No matter how amusing you find it, stop doing that. That’s a huge indication that the clit is on it’s way to that palm sander thing I talked about earlier. I know you guys get a huge kick out of this twitching phenomenon (some of you have even admitted it to me) but for her sake and your well being, don’t do it.

If the legs start shaking and then all of a sudden stop, just put your hand on her inner thigh. If it’s hard and she’s flexing, keep doing what you’re doing. Another weird thing about chicks and cumming is that a lot of us tense our legs really tightly when something feels good or we’re about to blow. Again, I have no idea why, but if you’re listening to her breathing like a good boy, you’ll probably find that she’s holding her breath at the same time.

The fact of the matter is, we know you’re not mind readers, but somehow we think that if we try hard enough, we can psychically tell you what to do in order to put us in a state of euphoria. We’ve got this whole inner dialogue in our heads while you’re down there you know. We’re saying to ourselves “yeah yeah, do that! Oh, to the left, yeah, that’s the shit” or “okay buddy, five more seconds of that and I am sooooo not giving you the rim job I promised.”

The most important thing about eating pussy and doing it well, is communication. Unfortunately, as previously stated, women are chickenshits so you need guides like mine to decipher the code. Bon apetit!