I don’t want to go to Burning Man.

Blake and I had planned on going in 2012 and flying out to his sister’s in Tahoe, leaving the kids there and then going to Burning Man with his sister’s friends who know all about it and go every year.

But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be stuck in the desert, all sweaty and dusty and gross and without a shower for a week. I don’t want to live on peanut butter sandwiches. I don’t want to deal with the logistics involved. It seems like a whole lot of hassle for an unfun time. So I don’t want to go. And I’ll totally resent Blake if he goes alone which admittedly is unfair but there it is all the same. I just think I’d get really bored out there. I’d look at the art once or twice which would take a whole day, maybe two and then what do I do for the rest of the time? Sweat my tits off in a tent I guess?

I don’t “camp”. That’s the thing. I just don’t do it. I’m with my friend Missy when she says “why would I want to be homeless on purpose?” I don’t shit in filthy port-a-potties and I don’t sponge bathe. I don’t get up at dawn, I don’t sleep in tents, I prefer not to sweat. I just see myself bitching and complaining the whole time and pissing everyone off and it’s not like we’ll be able to just pack up and leave if I’m not having a good time either since we’d be going with other people.

I don’t eat whatever’s available. I am very very picky and I get pissy without food. Also I’m just not cool or thin enough to be there. Have you ever looked at pictures of the people at Burning Man? They’re always skinny 20-somethings with perky breasts – or at least that’s who they’re taking pictures of. My coolest clothes are A) dry clean only, B) winter-friendly and C) not desert-friendly and I don’t see anyone buying me a whole new wardrobe any time soon.

So there it is: I don’t want to go to Burning Man. I like the idea of BM. I wish I was the type of person who could deal with the logistics of going to BM. But it’s not me. It would just be lots and lots of stress with little to no reward, especially since I’d have to go without a week’s pay to even go on top of all the costs associated with going.

If we had like, an RV and could somehow drive there? Then I would consider going, but as things stand it’s not going to happen.

Why that all popped into my brain, I have no idea. I think it was because Ronny & I were talking on Twitter and he said we all need some time to ourselves to just “be” and this is the next opportunity to do that that Blake and I have planned. Or not planned as it were, but an idea that’s been kicked around to the point of even talking to his sister about it. I wish I was adaptable enough to do it but I just don’t think I am and that I’ll just end up miserable and stuck in a place I don’t want to be. I just don’t think there’s enough Ativan in the world for me to do it.

So anyway….yeah.

Today is Day 1 of no smoking and I feel like I’m holding up pretty well. A little weepy, but I think that’s a PMS thing rather than a quitting smoking thing.

I have cramps so bad that earlier I honestly thought I was going to throw up all over my desk so I was in the bathroom reading on the bathroom floor beside the toilet for a while just in case. Thank god for my co-worker, Dott. She had my back while that was happening, although I didn’t tell her what was up. I ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich which helped and I’ve been taking Tylenol 1 every hour which is horrible for my liver but at this point I really just don’t care.

Today is Oprah’s final episode and I know I’m going to lose my shit completely during and after it. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t even remember TV without Oprah and the fact that my friend won’t be on TV every day at 4pm anymore is really going to break my heart. I don’t care who takes her timeslot, I won’t be watching. I have her OWN channel but the only good thing on it is “What Would You Do? OWN Edition” where they do hidden camera stunts to see if people will do the right thing, stick up for the underdog, that sort of thing. And then there’s “Oprah: Behind the Scenes” but they changed the timeslot of that show without warning so my DVR doesn’t record it anymore so I’ve only seen a few episodes and I think it’s almost finished. If they rerun it, I’ll watch but I’m not going out of my way to watch it now since it’s almost over. The rest of the shows are really lame, like there’s a couple about psychics (fraud!), Shania Twain has her own reality show, Chaz Bono has his own reality show, neither of which interest me in the slightest. Lisa Ling had her show “Our America” which sounded interesting but really wasn’t from the few episodes I saw because they changed the timeslot on that one too so my DVR didn’t record it. It was a documentary series about fringe societies in the US, basically, like transgendered people, heroin addicts, sex offenders, super religious people who handle snakes, that kind of thing.

There has been talk of Oprah having her own show on OWN but I don’t think that’s going to happen because I think she really just wants to retire and man, she deserves it.

Oh, one thing I did miss this season was the episode where they did the book club thing for Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. I’m sure it was mixed in with something lame and that’s why I missed it (if it sounds stupid on the show blurb on the TV guide, I delete it) but if anyone knows what it was mixed in with, please let me know so I can catch it in the reruns which I think are going all summer.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I’m reading The Witching Hour by Anne Rice for the second time and as all good books do, it’s making me feel like shit, like nothing I write is good enough. I think my ideas are solid, but my vocabulary and descriptions are sub-par. I’ve lost interest in Cammity Jane again because these books I’ve been reading have given me incredibly low self-esteem and it doesn’t help that Madison and I were the only ones who seemed to care that I was even writing them again. Plus my editor is apparently too busy these days to edit it and if he’s not interested and stuff, I didn’t see any reason for me to be interested. All of the above just pummeled my self-esteem as a writer into nothing and I feel like I don’t have anything left to say that I can’t say in a blog. I thought I was doing well at the fiction thing and then I read some good fiction and that was the end of me.

Blake gets mad at me because I think too much about “what comes next” rather than simply writing whatever it is I’m working on but I can’t help it. And “what comes next” with Cammity Jane was plaguing me. I don’t know how to release a book. I don’t know how to lay out a book (I know I know, a friend offered to lay it out for me, so I shouldn’t worry about that but I do because what if it goes the same as editing has gone? And since I’m not paying these people, what right do I have to complain? None!). I don’t know how to make people buy the book. Lulu.com is a fucking scam and as a Canadian I’m not sure if I can self-publish through Amazon. And what if it just sucks and people don’t like it? Then what? And should I sell for 99 cents for Kindle versions like some self-published author recommended on some link I was sent or is that just selling myself short? I don’t know ANYTHING about Kindles and Nooks and iPads as I would never own any of the above, let alone how you would lay a book out for one one of them or all of them or whatever.

I can’t not think about this stuff. Blake says to just write the damn thing and not worry about any of that but I can’t. I don’t think I’m capable because if there’s not a purpose, a reason to do something I don’t see the point of doing it. If it’s not going to be published, I don’t see the point in writing it. If no one cares that I’m writing it, I don’t see the point in writing it. (And Madison doesn’t count.) And some people matter more than others. If my editor doesn’t care that I’m writing it then what’s the point? (And that’s not a dig at you, dear editor, you’ve got shit on your plate and I understand that.) I just feel wholly unsupported by damn near everyone. It’s about 1/3 finished and I have the whole thing planned out, I know the story from beginning to end, it’s just a matter of actually writing it which I have little desire to do because of said lack of support.

Blah. I’m throwing a temper tantrum. I’m in pain and I really want a cigarette and quitting now was the worst idea ever.

Speaking of writing though, my Fiction Project book was received yesterday and IS going to be in the show even though it was late. I got confirmation yesterday. So yay for that, the $30 I paid in shipping for it to get there as soon as possible wasn’t wasted! The books will be touring with The Sketchbook Project 2011 and they’ll start in June in Seattle and end up in Chicago. The dates can be found here if anyone wants to go see my books, both for the Fiction Project AND the Sketchbook Project because both will be there.

Next year the tour’s actually coming to Toronto, which I’m excited about. I have my sketchbook but I haven’t put anything in it yet or made it a cover. It’s not due until January and while that seems like plenty of time, it sneaks up on you or at least it did me last year, so I should start on that soon.

Well, I can’t think of anything else to write about and I think I’m done my whining and crying for the day so I’ll just tell you to vote for the kitties and be done with this post.

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Help RAPS win $25,000!

My friend Phaedie loses one of her friends at least once a week. That’s because she works for a high-capacity cat sanctuary in Richmond, British Columbia, run by the Richmond Animal Protection Society, and unfortunately feline leukemia and feline AIDS is a part of the job, especially when dealing with such close quarters.

To keep cats out of shelters, people need to spay and neuter their pets and that’s what RAPS is aiming to do with Pepsi Canada’s Refresh Project contest. Their aim, with the $25,000 to be won, is to help low-income families spay, neuter and vaccinate their pets in order to help curb the already problematic business of sick, unwanted pets.

So how can you help? It’s easy. Click here and vote. You can sign in using Facebook connect so it really does only take 2 clicks and you’d be making a world of difference for animals and their people. Plus you’d be making Phaedie and I incredibly happy.

We need to try and get them to #1 or #2 as only the top 2 spots receive funding. Currently they’re in 3rd place, so we need to make a solid push to get then into 2nd! I know people don’t have money to give to every charity that comes their way, but if you’d normally be clicking on Farmville crops anyway, please use your mouse-fingers for this as well and help make a difference in the world. Thanks.

The contest voting is until June 30th, it’s a daily vote and I’ll be posting every few days to remind you to vote in case you forget.

Huggy is sick and needs your help!

Please click here for details.

:o(

I just woke up from having the best dream about going to Burning Man with Blake for the first time and meeting Halcyon (who was actually kind of a dick in my dream, although I doubt he’s like that in person).

I’ve been wanting to go to Burning Man for, oh, the past 4 or 5 years, but there are so many logistics involved in making it happen that I doubt it ever will. I mean, first of all, I live almost as far away from the playa as you can get, sooooooooo how do we get there? You need to bring LOTS & LOTS & LOTS of stuff and I think it’d be a nightmare to try & bring that much stuff on a plane and then if we did, what would we do when we landed, rent a truck? And how would you bring rebar (I probably spelled that wrong) on a plane? You need that to anchor your tent so it doesn’t blow away if there’s a dust storm!

Another option is that Phil & Lisa have Freddie’s old RV sitting in their driveway that they use for the Judo tournament for us to sleep in but I A) Don’t know if they’d let us borrow in to drive to NEVADA or B) If it’s in good enough shape to actually make it.

And another option we’ve considered, because Blake & I really really want to go, preferably before we’re 40, so that gives us like, 4 years (for him) and 9 years for me, is flying to Lake Tahoe where his sister lives and who has all kinds of camping equipment because she & her husband are really really into that. But again, we don’t know if it’s an option and with that, there’s even more logistics to consider, such as extra time off and money to visit with them.

If we chose that option, we could maybe bring the kids with us and they could stay at Shannan’s (his sister) while we’re at Burning Man. If she & her husband Erik (or is it with a “c”? I always forget) aren’t down with that, then I’m sure Phil & Lisa or my mom would look after them while we go.

And then when I think about going, I wonder what we’d bring for gifting. There’s a promotional item for my Etsy shop that I’m saving up for that I really want to give to people, but is gifting a promotional item, even if it’s cool, bad gifting etiquette? With enough planning I could make things to gift, but I don’t have any ideas about that at the moment and really, I really am busy with painting so I can actually make some money so I don’t know if I’d even have the time to make hundreds of handmade items, no matter how much time I was given.

Another obstacle is that we’d have to buy a lot of stuff to survive the playa and we don’t have a whole lot of extra money for stuff like that, so how would we get all that stuff? Plus I think tickets, unless you get the early bird ones, which sell out fast, is about $1000 each, which I think is totally fair, but $2000 for both of us is a LOT of money, especially considering that we’d probably have to buy – and I’m just guesstimating here – about $500-$800 worth of stuff, if not more, to be able to survive the playa. And of course, no matter how we get there or what the plan is, it’s going to cost major bucks to even get there, whether by plan or by vehicle.

I would also love to create a giant art piece like other people do who bring them to the playa but I have no fucking idea how I could even do that when it’s hard enough to get myself there.

Every year about this time I get like, Burning Man fever because Halcyon starts talking about it and I think “okay maybe next year” but it never happens. I wanted to go really bad last year because the kids would still be young enough to get in for free and I’d really like to bring them, but now for Madison, I think it’s 5 or 6 hundred bucks. Wes is still free.

I think we’ll get there at some point, but for now, I’m okay with just dreams.