October 21, 2016


Not taking commissions until at least the New Year, but will entertain ideas for them from patrons for potential work this winter.

Here’s the last commission I did (prints will be available soon, click to enlarge):

Visit SunnyGrrrl.com for art/life stuff! Visit SunnylandStudio.com to buy art! Or @SunnyCrittenden for all my socials!


<3 <3 <3

April 21, 2015

Creatively speaking…


I’m sort of in the process of rebuilding my life and I’m at a point where I feel I can share my plans with you.

I have a bit of an internet presence…

  1. website
  2. livejournal
  3. twitter x 2
  4. tumblr x 2
  5. friends only facebook that I’ve recently been posting more publicly with
  6. facebook fan page x 2
  7. instagram
  8. youtube
  9.  does snapchat count?

…plus a million other things I’ve signed up for and never used again. The tumblrs and fan pages hardly ever get updated, so let’s pretend they don’t exist for now. YouTube is only used to embed videos in other places, so it’s more of a utility to me than any kind of community that I have to participate in, so take that off the list too. Everything else I use and most of them have some kind of community linked to them that I am part of.

Well, I want to build a new community around myself where my site or LiveJournal is not necessarily the center of it because I don’t think either has been the center in quite a while. I want this community to be built around Patreon, and my creative life, with everything else mostly pertaining to that. But I’ll get to how I plan on using each component after I explain Patreon. 

Patreon is a website that allows me to receive monthly payments from generous patrons who wish to support my work. In return, patrons receive perks, like Kickstarter, and they get to share in the experience of creating some pretty cool stuff, which, if I don’t suck, should give them a little bit of pride of being a patron of the arts and having a hand in whatever crazy thing it it is coming into being! And yes I *am* proud of that run-on sentence!

My first project is a zine that I’m (oh so originally) titling “Textibitionism”. I haven’t really posted anything about it over on Patreon yet (that’s my next  task), but what I envision is 20 individual pieces of paper-based art which tells stories from my life and the things I care about. The original idea was to use traditional scrapbooking materials/embellishments and instead of making typically pretty layouts with smiling children or whatever those happy scrappers do, I would be, well, me. The original idea was also that I would only use materials that I already had, but I already blew that idea out of the water, bigtime. Now what I envision is a mix of altered scrapbook materials, subverted and perverted by my very being, original writings and hand-drawn illustrations. If this sounds good to you, then you should know that almost all pics of works-in-progress, process videos and discussion about this project will be on Patreon, mostly via the patron-only activity feed, which is like a blog with comments and likes. This will be the centre of my creative universe, if the Patreon model of getting money to make art actually works. (We’ll see. I’m not totally convinced. Steph the Geek seems to be doing okay so far, though. Ana Voog and Blake are also using it.) Unlisted YouTube videos, Snapchat (which is where you get videos and pics exclusive to that app on your phone) and private Twitter will be used for daily life stuff for sure, but those media will mostly be where spur of the moment creative thoughts, ideas and work-in-progress photos, things that are pains in my ass etc., will be posted for patrons.

I’ll still be using my main Twitter account and I will (hopefully) only ever have one Instagram account because switching back & forth all the time sounds like a nightmare. LiveJournal is going to continue to be used for the emotional, real life stuff while my site’s updates are basically going to be State of the Union of Sunnyland addresses, linking to everything else once in a while.

I realized when I was in San Francisco that aside from my job, there was very little structure in my life and if my job is any indication, I think I’m less productive as a result. It’s not that I don’t have ideas, I have tons of them, but for a while, whenever I tried to put an idea to paper, I’d start but ultimately lost interest for whatever reason and nothing ever got finished. “Textibitionism”, and the other creative milestones I’ve set for myself on Patreon, is the first time I’ve felt excited and energized about a creative project in a really long time so I really hope that if I make it, I’m not the only one who’s going to see it.

The big picture is that if the zine is well-received, eventually I would maybe like to build Textibitionism.com/.ca/.org where it would be for sale both digitally and hard copy after everyone on Patreon who is supposed to get a copy, does, and the site will have links to all the girls I can find still making and selling zines on Etsy and elsewhere.

The big, BIG picture I’m still working out in my head but there is one. Not giving it too much thought yet though, since so far Blake is my only patron haha

As far as adding structure to my life, today for example, I got off work at noon so I knew I was going to medicate at noon and then write this post directly afterward. I’m falling behind schedule already because I meant to have this done by 3pm but that’s okay. I bought a day planner to help me keep appointments and structure my days to be the most productive I can make them because I’m a freak and I’m happiest, the most emotionally stable and the most satisfied with life when I’m busy creating something, whether it’s writing this post or painting a mermaid. In the past, my creative endeavours have made other people happy too so I’m hoping for this whole thing to be mutually beneficial.

Now I think it’s time to forage for food. Peace oot, homies!

PS. It is a VERY GOOD IDEA to insure your camera equipment, as I found out this week when I realized my camera’s messed up after taking it treetop trekking. I got it insured a few hours before we went! *whew*

February 19, 2015

Camwhores. Babbling. I has a sad. :o(

Yesterday Camwhores.com, where I have had my webcam exclusively for 14 years and where practically every single one of my friends come from, made a public announcement saying that they will be shutting down the site as of March 17th. I’ve talked with Kevin and there’s nothing to be done, it’s just time. A lot of people have been talking about building new portals or new communities so we all stay together but knowing what I do about what it took to make Camwhores work, I’m not very optimistic anything will last very long. I think the idea that shows the most promise is the subreddit Belinda set up, but I’m not really that much into Reddit so I can’t say if I’ll be in there much. I’ll definitely try. I know I won’t be posting nude cam pics, if I am, because the best part about CW for me, was that all my nudes and shows and sexual anythings were “contained” in one place where all of that was appropriate and inaccessible to minors. I don’t want sex stuff on my site and there’s no such thing anymore as a 30 second refreshing still cam portal. Camwhores was the the first and last one. And even if there was, honestly, I doubt I would trust it unless I knew the person running it. (And anyone I can think of who I’d trust wouldn’t be able to pull it off, I’m fairly sure.)

I’m fucking sad and I can’t stop crying.  I had the realization today that since Camwhores is the ONLY place I cammed, if it doesn’t exist, I guess I’m not a camgirl anymore. :o/

A lot of girls will go to MyFreeCams.com and probably make more money, but for some of us, it was never ever about money. And me? I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate streaming video. Loathe. I don’t like watching myself move and talk and hear myself, like I just can’t deal. But at the same time, I can’t not watch. The other thing is that MFC has a lot of trolls who are gonna make fun of me because I have a space between my teeth or because of my scar or because they’re just assholes out to ruin a girl’s day and I did the dealing with those kinds of trolls 15 years ago when the internet was much smaller and my reputation was a lot bigger and I am way too grown to step into that arena and get “rolled in” again. And for what? It’s not like I *have* to show off my body or I can’t live or anything. It’s just that sometimes you wanna post a pic on the internet of (a) body part(s) you can’t show on Instagram or Facebook. Even though we’re all friends, being on CW was/is partly performance, you’re in the spotlight while doing a show, with a totally appreciative audience who all know it’s better to leave for 20 minutes, than to say anything negative because they will be banned for various lengths of time to indefinitely. To express your negative opinion of a camwhore, members could vote them minus or vote all of their pictures 1s (on a scale of 1-10). There was a healthy outlet built into our community for negative feelings and as simple as it was, most of the time it was enough. In recent history, the only egregious thing I can recall is a member got really drunk and went on an awful tirade in chat about one of our girls, who I think was even live at the time, and he had to be given a timeout. But what did he do when his ban was over and he came back? He wrote a sincere public apology to the girl by way of CW’s blogs and while I forget if she actually accepted it, that’s the kind of gestures that could happen in our Camwhores community completely organically. You are never going to find a community on the internet that moderated itself so well, with very few people actually having the ability to moderate. Especially not one that grew out of the E/N scene. (I actually only know of one person from the E/N scene A) still doing E/N basically and B) making a decent living at it, but some people I know are primed and ready for it to come back.)

There is nowhere on the internet where you can post a picture straight from your webcam, let alone a nude, let alone the most explicit nude you can think of. You can post nudity on Twitter but my mom’s on my Twitter. She was probably okay with naked tree pose last week but I doubt she’d be happy knowing the precise colour of my labia. And the picture I *was* gonna post on Camwhores 2 days ago that would be totally within site rules but decided against because I had an ingrown hair and it wouldn’t be perfect enough, would almost definitely get me perma-banned from Twitter. And we all know Facebook and Instagram are lame when it comes to nudity in even ART. My friend and fellow artist Ana Voog has been suspended from Facebook a million times for posting artwork barely featuring nudity, it’s ridiculous. I get wanting to keep Facebook a SFW place, I agree with that and think it should be what it is, but when we’re banning art and breastfeeding, something’s fucking wrong with us. And of course there’s Instagram whose most famous hashtag is #freethenipple. Need I say more on  that one? (I like to covertly insert my boobs and nether regions into Instagram. Only I know it’s there or what it is, but it’s there dammit.) You can get naked on tumblr. Yes. Yes, you can. Tumblr is basically the 2nd last place on the internet I’d like to be, with 4chan taking home the prize. Tumblr just confuses me and ruins all the shows I watch because I download or record them and watch them later and how some of these people get gifs BEFORE the show airs, I have no idea, but tumblr is just a spoiler minefield so I avoid it at all costs. I realize I can stop following these people but sometimes I like seeing the gifs. Anyway, the tumblr community freaks me out and it’s a shitty place to actually communicate with people so that’s just a great big “no”.

So that pretty much leaves LiveJournal – which is totally fine with nudity but a bloody tampon is “obscene”, as Ana found out over a decade ago – and my site. You can’t make a webcam page on LiveJournal. I have a webcam page on my site, but it just tells you to go to Camwhores with a brief description of what I do there and approximately when. If I could change that page, and I only say “if” because it’s a WordPress page, so that my cam image updates every 30 seconds (maybe longer since it won’t be like CW), no archives and there’s a little chat thingy on the page, that would be good. Ideally the chat thingy would be one that you can pop out of the page or one that makes sounds when people talk and one where you can definitely ban people. In my brain, this sounds like an impossible thing, maybe to someone else it sounds simple. I dunno. A bonus to having a cam on my site is that Wes and Madison can be on it, so that would be cool. Instead of a PayPal link (because PayPal gets in a snit if they think you’re using it for anything “adult”), I think fuckit, I’ll accept Bitcoin. Why not? Camming’s not about money to me and Bitcoin’s not even real money to me, but with it there’s still an exchange of value, of appreciation, even if it’s a fragment of a cent. (I have no idea how Bitcoin works but I am signed up with this cool Bitcoin thing that Steph (the Geek) used to tip me enough Bitcoin to buy a cupcake if I’m ever anywhere that takes Bitcoin and has cupcakes that price! It’s made for tipping so it would be perfect. Totally forget what it’s called but it’s in my e-mail.)

Kevin doesn’t think there’s an audience for 320 x 240 static cams anymore but Ana and Steph and I are not so sure about that. What we all do about it remains to be seen. Maybe Everything/Maybe Nothing.

August 27, 2014

Radical or Pro-Parental

When I was little, I  remember constantly telling my mother in screaming fits that I hated her and she would hold me down and hug me and tell me she loved me anyway. This is what comes to mind when things like #WomenAgainstFeminism or female MRAs permeate my well-maintained bubble of white light, as seems to be the case increasingly these days. This “wave” of anti-feminism is hitting the internet like a tsunami and it’s leaving a lot of feminists on the opposite shore empty and at low tide. Feeling defeated. Feeling like, what’s the fucking point if we, as women in general – feminists and anti’s alike – are just going to fight among ourselves rather than work together for common goals that benefit the whole?  I can’t really speak for anyone but myself and a few friends, but I honest to god had no idea that SO MANY women would be anti-feminist. Because that’s like being anti yourself and that’s just fucking crazy. But no, they’re out there and there’s a whole lotta vum. And rather than react, I’ve been listening – or trying to, as much as I listen to anything – because whether they like it or not, what’s important to them is important to me because as much as they kick and scream and say they hate me, I listen and send them love, as lame as that sounds, because more than anything I want to understand. Anti-feminists and female MRAs are interesting to me in the way a serial killer might be interesting to someone into true crime shit. (Yeah, I did just compared them to serial killers, but I didn’t mean they were actually *like* the serial killers in what they do or anything.) Female anti-feminists are interesting to me because I’m interested in why and how people have come to the conclusions they have or believe the things they do about a topic I’m interested in, when they are (often) the complete opposite of my own beliefs, ESPECIALLY when I feel those beliefs are against the person’s own best interest. It’s like when poor people vote Conservative, I see these political arguments and memes on social media and think, “you realize this guy’s gonna fuck you right?” but they do it anyway because reasons or whatnot. Or worse, when people tell me they actively DON’T vote. Just like, never tell me that. Please. It hurts my heart. Even just tell me you’re too lazy to vote, that’s a completely acceptable answer. Feel free to not vote, do whatever the fuck you want, but my friends know better than to tell me about it because it makes me insane(r).

I actually have a friend who, I’m not sure if she identifies as an actual MRA or if she’s just more on top of men’s issues than anyone else I know, but she’s flat out told me she’s not a feminist. She was the first  woman I’d ever met (or have a relationship with) who didn’t identify as a feminist on some level and when she said it, pretty early on our relationship, it sorta knocked my socks off because she’s, to me, this badass, Amazonian woman with a huge mohawk and piercings, in combat boots; who goes to shows by herself, gives no fucks and listens to Ani DiFranco, whom I recently heard described as being the most misandrous musician ever. (I don’t know any of her music, but Blake likes her so that’s probably accurate.) My friend is also a camgirl and I just kind of assumed all camgirls were feminists by nature of what we do and how we all support one another. This friend especially because I know she’s super pro-sex workers and until that moment, I assumed that was a feminist thing!  But that issue doesn’t “belong” to any one group other than sex workers themselves, so that was pretty dumb of me to think. I also completely understand my friend not wanting a label and that’s why I’m not giving her one now – as being an MRA or being anti-feminist – because she’s never claimed that label and she’s never said she’s actively anti-anything and she has said specifically that she doesn’t want to identify with any groups. That was 3 years ago though, and now there’s been this wave of anti-feminists speaking up, so it’s possible she’s changed and has claimed a label. And that’s okay. Mostly we don’t talk about that stuff, though, because we respect the fact that we each see things differently (although I maintain we have more in common than different). She puts up with my “feminist crap” though (my term, not hers) and that’s all I can ask for in a friend. Tolerance. We come from hugely different places, I think, while still believing a lot of the same things and liking the same things and that’s why we’re friends, but on this one thing, I probably drive her bonkers because I’m cool with the feminist label. I wear it proudly. Blake’s cool with the label. Madison’s cool with the label. Wes wears a pink “feminist” 1″ button on his backpack after we asked him if he thought he and Madison should have the same rights and he said, “duh”. We’re all a pretty feminist family and I post feminist crap all over my social media and while I would not call myself a “hardcore” feminist, it sounds like my friend has met some women who have identified as “hardcore” feminists, who I probably wouldn’t agree with completely either by the way they were described.


It’s awesome having friends with different points of view than you and we should love anti-feminists as hard as we know how, even if they don’t appreciate us, because they are proof of feminism’s success. Feminism has been so successful that a lotta women don’t even feel they need it anymore. Yay us! There’s still so much to be done, but don’t you see that as successful? As progress on some demented level? Because I do. At first it made me sad but after digging around and reading what these women have to say, this is what I think.

I dunno, those thoughts just popped into my head. Work meeting in 40 mins.

May 28, 2014

Life Ain’t a Track Meet, It’s a Marathon

Holy fuck, where do I even begin? I guess I’ll begin by saying that if you don’t follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you’re probably missing a lot and will continue to miss a lot because honestly I’m too busy doing stuff right now to e-mail myself the pics from my phone that I’ve posted on Instagram just to upload and repost them on my blog to tell a story. I may post like, highlights, but I’m not going to cross-post that stuff here unless Instagram gives me a button that allows me to do so, like it does for Facebook (but not my fan page and no offence, I don’t want randoms on my personal Facebook), Twitter and tumblr, to which I cross-post lots of stuff, but still not everything. Life is 3-dimensional and social media is a reflection of that I think. Anyway, I’m using it to document life as it happens and since I’m doing that in real time, I often don’t feel the need to have to write about it in order to process the experience, which is why I started blogging in the first place. I’m not saying I’m not going to blog anymore…I’m just saying if you want a more complete picture or you’re wondering what I’m doing in between blog posts, those are the places to check. No pressure, I’m just sayin’. Because a lot of you aren’t reading this on my site where those links are like, *right there —>*

That said, there are going to be some pics in this post.

My shrink doubled my cipralex (anti-depressant), which had me taking a whole pill and then I wasn’t feeling better so she had me up it by half a pill and I was supposed to call her on Monday but I’m having serious phone phobia and honestly I don’t even know how I feel so I don’t know what to tell her. I think I’m mostly good?

 I mean, I’m not suicidal anymore so obviously the meds are working but I still kinda feel flat when I think I’m supposed to feel happy or excited or proud of achievements or whatnot so I think I’m going to ask her to up it by another half pill so I’m taking 2 pills and leave me there for a while, maybe over the summer, to see how things shake out. She’s retiring in August so I kinda wanna get this shit worked out before then.

I’m over the new car. I kinda like air conditioning. The moon roof is handy for when you’re smoking a joint in the car. The stereo is better than in the old car, which I guess I’ll start referring to as either “my car” or the “Sunnymobile”, and it came with a subscription to XM radio which I actually really like and wish I had that in my car. And his stereo is super smart and if I plug my iPod into it, you can control the iPod on the car’s nerdscreen. So that’s sorta cool. And when I call him while he’s driving I can actually hear him so that’s a bonus. What else? I dunno, whatever, it’s a stereo you (well, he) can drive.

Madison turned 16 on the 16th and she had a party with some of her friends where lots of sushi and ice cream cake was consumed. In a rare act of bravery on the 15th, I called my favourite flower shop – on the phone- which is in Barrie, and asked them if it would be possible to have 16 roses sent to Madison’s school on her birthday the next day for under $60. The lady on the phone was super nice and worked it out so that she could do a mixture of short-stemmed roses for about $50 and delivering to a school was no problem. So she asked what school and when I told her she said, “oh dear, that’s out of our delivery area” and I felt SO defeated because it took so much courage to even make this call and they really are my favourite flower shop and I told her so and I asked her if she could refer me to a shop that could deliver to Madison’s school. So she starts google-fuing within her flower system and she’s like, “geez, you don’t really have a lot of options…” and she gave me the name of a shop in Wasaga Beach that MIGHT deliver to our town but she said she couldn’t speak to their quality etc. Then she said, “what if we did it today instead?” and I was like, “wha’?” and she said, “my driver just got back and my boss isn’t in today, let me ask him if he’ll do it”, so she put me on hold and when she came back, she was excited and said he’d do it and I got excited and damn near cried and when she told me the total, I asked her if she could please add an extra $5 for the driver because that was super nice of him/them and after 20 minutes on the phone, Madison was getting roses at school that afternoon. I was pretty proud of myself for doing that when literally I don’t think I’d used the phone to call anyone outside of my immediate family in a good year or more. I just don’t use the phone, it freaks me out. Anyway, Madison liked her flowers. Her ex sent her crappier flowers the next day at school from an inferior flower shop and Madison handed them out to people.

So Madison turned 16, then the Sunday and Monday after that Blake and I got to know the new car. Then on the Tuesday, the first day I was left alone with the keys to my own car, the craziest damn thing happened: Madison and I went to the mall. In Barrie. I have never driven to Barrie, half an hour-40 mins away before and have purposely avoided it because there is lots of traffic and you have to go over 80 km/h, which to everyone else means 90 or 100 and then the road splits into 2 lanes in a couple of places and it’s just generally a more difficult drive than say, the beach, which is two turns and 10 minutes away. The mission was pretty simple: get to the mall, smoke a joint, have mall teriyaki because it’s the best teriyaki, go to Spencer’s Gifts to find accessories for our (Madison & mine’s) new car, drive home before dark.

This is my pretty perfect mall joint.
(I cheat and use a rolling machine. :oP)

For the record, I don’t drive while medicated and I don’t think anyone else should either.

I know some people say they’re better drivers while stoned and I’ve witnessed this phenomenon myself, but everyone’s different and I would never in a million years get behind the wheel if I didn’t feel it was safe to do so.

Keep in mind that I am a terrified, by the book, go the speed limit kinda driver who does everything in her power to avoid any and all conflict so it’s just not in my nature to fuck around.
I have literally never even had a single drink and driven. Like…it’s just, no.


That is me, in the driver’s seat, parked perfectly between two yellow lines, in the parking lot of the Georgian Mall in Barrie (that tall sign is the mall sign).

We got there and I smoked my joint and we went in.
Oh yeah, I didn’t take ANY anxiety meds during this trip.

Mall teriyaki was gotten.
I ordered and paid all by myself.
Mine was beef, Madison got tofu.

After we ate, I did take 2 Ativan because the mall apparently freaks me out more than actually driving there, and then we went to look for Spencer’s Gifts. We found it and it was sadly devoid of anything I’d ever put on my vehicle. Madison pointed out a couple of weed-related car things but that’s just asking to get pulled over and harassed and Madison and I would rather avoid the hassle. I did put a Liquid Chrome sticker on the back window though, which is the smoke shop in Barrie. That’s a little more subtle than a giant rasta-coloured weed leaf or something. And we have the Flying Spaghetti Monster “Jesus fish” on the back of the car with Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls hanging with one of John’s suncatchers from the rearview. Those are our car decorations so far. Madison has been told to keep an eye out for others. I don’t even know where you would buy a plastic/vinyl bumper sticker as opposed to a  regular sticker that’s just glossy and bumper sticker-shaped. Those are no good. I’m thinking the dollar store but I don’t think the dollar store is gonna have the kinda stuff I want to put on my car. I don’t even KNOW what kinda stuff I wanna put on my car! All I know, is that it’s really really boring, and it’s too new/I’m too poor/uninspired to sand it down and paint like my mom did with her old van. The thought had definitely crossed my mind but I just don’t have that kind of dedication and even she would probably agree it would be ill-advised. Although the idea of this car eventually being a derby car sorta made my heart skip a beat, but that would be a looooong ways off. Did buy $10 worth of crap NO ONE needs and figured I’d spent about $2.50 in gas which made me sort of freak out once I got home because with that and food that was an expensive experiment and it just completely overshadowed any “good” that would have come from it. (My mom didn’t want me to worry about it so she paid for the outing though. <3)

The next day, I decided to google a decent-looking recipe for Steak and Guinness Stew because I really like the kind at the pub but it’s like, $11 all told and you don’t really get very much. I figured it can’t be very expensive to make, so I got a recipe, made a list and went to go to the grocery store because it’s in town, so it only takes gas fumes to get there and I can park in the parking lot away from everyone else and spend Blake’s money instead of mine. He said  if I made it there, like when we were driving around in the new car breaking it in over the weekend, I told him I was scared of buying like, $300 worth of groceries if left to my own devices because I’m bad at math and I do a lot of “just in case” purchasing. So he made it pretty simple: if we needed it because it’s something we’re out of, get it and as for anything else, only get it if I think we’re going to use it in the next 24 hours. This is why I went in with the ingredients for a recipe I intended to make once I got home. And because driving alone and navigating the grocery store and paying alone weren’t difficult enough, I decided to raise the difficulty level by adding BEER. I have been in The Beer Store only once, with Madison, that one time she and I decided Blake needed beer when he got home and we carried it home as a surprise. It was 11am, I knew it wouldn’t be busy, but it is Elmvale, so that was really just a theory. Who knows what time farmers start drinking? Really though, the challenge with getting beer at The Beer Store here is that potentially the only way to obtain it is if I parallel parked, which I will flat out tell you, I do not know how to do. And I do not care that I do not know how to do it. BUT! Like I said, I’d be getting there shortly after they open on a Wednesday, chances are no one will be parked out front.

Got to the grocery store and parked a million miles away from all other cars because the less shit around me that I could potentially hit or back into, the better. Here are some pics from my trip:

I bought like, 30 cents worth of these with the intention of Madison making them for the kids to try (she’s vegetarian and likes t o try new things) but I threw them out today because forest food is super perishable and I just completely forgot to tell Madison they were there or what to do with them. Oops.

This is a shaker of pure MSG.

Blake says some of the guys at work  have this stuff at their desk to put on takeout food and I’d never seen it before in the wild AND my friend Paul had just linked to an article about this stuff and a guy who spent 30 days putting it on everything he ate and it didn’t seem to really affect him in any way, if I recall, so I threw this in the cart. More because Blake would find it funny than to actually consume because I grew up that MSG was what caused migraines and that it was super bad for you so I can’t bring myself to actually put it on anything but Blake’s been using it.

I also got these awesome corn trays for our family because Blake wasn’t there to tell me they’re dumb.
I, for one, will greatly enjoy using these because plates are for the birds when it comes to even butter distribution, which is essential.

Checking out went pretty smoothly except that I forgot to bring bags (though truthfully I bet they were in my  trunk) so I had to buy some, but other than the fact that I took 10 times longer in the grocery store to get 10 times less stuff than if I were with Blake because I kept taking pictures of things and uploading them to Instagram…

Next up was the Elmvale Beer Challenge.

I took the back street home and turned right at the library where I had to wait and could scope out the front of the beer store pretty well. Much to the delight of my lucky ass, NO ONE was in front so I just parked on the street and went in. The Beer Store is extra challenging also in that you have to ask for what you want. I thought ahead though and printed out my recipe with a picture of the exact kind of Guinness it called for, so all I did was show the guy the picture and tell him “I want as little of this as possible”. Turns out it came in 4-packs so I got that and came home, TRIUMPHANT!

The stew turned out pretty well, I thought, but Blake wasn’t a huge fan and it didn’t taste as good as the pub’s so the quest for the ultimate Steak and Guinness Stew recipe is still on.

Another day, Madison and I went to get Chinese food. This was my fortune cookie:

Twice now, Blake has shown me how to get to Penetanguishene and Balm Beach and Midland and even though I can pretty much recite the directions, I don’t feel confident enough on those windy backroads where people go way too fast. I’m working on it though. I’d really like to be able to go to Froth by myself eventually. I ordered a windshield mount for my phone and I’ve signed up for Waze and as of tomorrow or sometime very soon, I’ll have the equivalent of AAA and once all that is in place, I think I’ll be more prone to venture farther away from home because with Waze I pretty much can’t get lost. Anyway, there’s a church on the way to and from Penetang that I like sometimes so I took a picture of it last week:

Anyway, it’s taken me all damn day to get this written up between doing other things (like driving to Wasaga Beach by myself for the first time to get myself lunch which I ordered over the phone and paid for by myself), I’ve gotta take my meds, figure out what everyone’s doing for dinner and watch Bates Motel. Peace oot.

PS. If anyone knows anything about seatbelts for dogs, lay it on me.

October 30, 2013

Les choses que nous apprenons…

yo yo, quoi de neuf?

Blake, as a new Canadian (did I mention he took his citizenship test and he passed and he was sworn in and can vote and everything now? well, that happened), has decided to take a French class. It started in September and goes until December so it seems like they’re going to cover a lot. He has flash cards and has to do tests and shit. Honestly he’s doing really well. I haven’t heard him speak much of it, I think he’s still unsure of his accent, but he’s showed me his tests and how they do it – I think – is that the teacher gives them a piece of paper with maybe 12 English phrases on it and they’re all numbered. Then the teacher says the first phrase en francais and the students are supposed to write down what they hear. I have no idea how they’re learning things like “est-ce que” (“is that”), which sounds like “eska” (more or less). I would never hear those two syllables and think “oh, that must be three words”. It was on Blake’s test a few times so they must be learning spelling and grammar as well, I just thought Blake told me the whole class is oral/aural. Maybe there’s more to it than that. I know there’s homework involved.

As a Canadian native, I started taking French in school in kindergarten and took it up until grade 9. French is written on everything here, so I know the words for a lot of things but it’s been so long since I used or heard it that I would probably be useless in Quebec and I know I can’t watch TV in French…I’m pretty sure by December, after one class, Blake will be more fluent than I am. C’est la vie!

So this means that on Wednesdays, the kids and I are on our own for dinner and I only see Blake in the morning while I’m working because he doesn’t get home until after I go to bed.

Oh look. Here comes Madison, bugging me for Halloween costume ideas at the last minute…as long as she doesn’t go as a scumbag teenager in normal clothes begging for candy, I *don’t care what she goes as. Also she’s had months to figure this out and it’s the night before, I’m scanning my brain for fucks to give…scanning….scanning…none found!

Awww she suckered me into helping her be Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. Damn me for having a ridiculous amount of pink clothing and a hoodie with ears that also happens to be pink! Wes, in case you were wondering, is being a werewolf. We went straight off the rack for his costume and he’s wearing a mask so unless he really wants me to I’m not going to take pics. I may have better luck with Madison.

This last week has been the pits, as far as first world problems, because we’re using shoddy wireless internet using the router built into the modem, so that’s issue #1. Issue #2 is that our ISP something something is having problems something something resolving DNS something something, which in layman’s terms means it takes me approximately 20 tries to load a webpage or upload anything because the internet won’t connect to the host. It’s like, “Connecting….” and then it says, “resolving host…” and then Chrome or whatever browser takes a shit and asks if I want to reload. Repeat literally 20 times or until you give up and try looking at it on your phone.

This DNS issue or whatever it is (Blake’s been on the phone with tech support a million times and they told us a couple of days ago to wait 72 hours to see if it got any better) really fucking sucks because I effectively can’t do part of my job because it involves a form to send e-mails to people and there’s an iFrame or something that tells me when the e-mail’s gone through. With this issue, that iFrame won’t load and tell me either way if the e-mail went through so if I click to send the e-mail again, did I really just send it again or did I now just send two? Oh. iFrame didn’t load again. What now? Possibly send three? There is a work-around I’ve found, but it takes something that already took a long time take ten times longer. What also sucks is that the site I do support for is super bandwidth intensive and I have to run it while I’m working. That’s my job. I can run it mostly okay during my early mornings when no one else is online but when we tried using the internet normally during my shift on Saturday, doing my job was just impossible so everyone was pretty much device-bound while I was the only one using the internet at all. And I was *still* having trouble. It sucked. It does suck.

 There’s also an itty bitty conspiracy theorist in me that thinks our cable company is messing with us because we have unlimited bandwidth now, just this month, and have been pretty liberal with it. But that’s probably crazy…right?

Blake and my brother just taught me how to use the bit torrents to download media and I barely even had a chance to try it out before the internet went down and then we were rendered mostly impotent. I was cut down in my youth. What kind of animals would do this to me?

Anyway, since Blake had French class today after work and didn’t come home in between and he works in the city tomorrow, the earliest he can try the troubleshooting process with tech support again is tomorrow night after taking Wes out to get candy. Like I said, my mornings are okay except for that one thing I can’t/is difficult to do, but on my Saturdays, that part of the job is pretty unavoidable so hopefully they fix our internet before then. I also have my work meeting on Friday which is through Skype so hopefully that’s not a nightmare.

So yeah, tonight we’re on our own. Madison and I each have a frozen pizza that we could eat, but Wes ate his last week so his options are grilled cheese with either Kraft Dinner or soup or neither or any one of those things alone or in conjunction with each other. Honestly, I’ve felt so barftastic today that I’m not sure I’ll eat at all, especially pizza. So we’ll see. I do have like, $50 worth of pharmaceuticals to take right now though and they should be taken with food so…yeah. We’ll see.

And with that, I think I’m off to take my pills, watch Weeds and go to bed.

PS. I mostly liked the new Carrie movie. Finally, some justice for Tommy Ross! Madison HATED the movie and says the original is her favourite movie right now. I expected to have the same reaction because Carrie (1976) is in my top 5 favourite movies and I hate two things: remakes and sequels. But nope, I thought it was actually pretty good. Nothing could ever live up to the piece of art that is the Brian De Palma film, but this new one is way better than any of the other Carrie-related efforts I’ve seen over the years. By miles.

And NOW I’m off to do that shit I said I was going to do 10 minutes ago…


August 18, 2013

Uno, Dos, Tres, Cuatro, Cinco Cinco, Seis

So it’s about an hour before work and Blake’s making me a bagel sandwich, which is havarti or cheddar cheese, scrambled eggs and ketchup on an everything bagel. I feel a little sick because I can’t take this one medication while I’m working or I might fall asleep – which suuuuucks, but whatever.

Listening to this.

I haven’t even hit Facebook or Reddit or even Twitter yet today. I started with Twitter, it’s easier to get caught up when you’re dealing with 140 characters and that helps me weed out the meat and potatoes from Reddit and Facebook. I’ll let you know if I find anything interesting.

Oh, this was me yesterday:

And this was Blake:

Because Blake is funny. :o)

That show Homeland is on Netflix (season 1), so we watched about half the season and I just couldn’t get into it, partially because I couldn’t get the Anne Hathaway Saturday Night Live sketch out of my head. And I really really like Claire Danes, so it sucks that she’s doing something I’m not a huge fan of.

Oh, I forgot to post that a couple of weeks ago our neighbours asked Blake to ask me if I could shoot their wedding. The mere idea of doing that is terrifying so it’s not happening but Blake’s going to take my camera and do it. I wouldn’t have the first clue as to what kind of shots I was supposed to get and I’m not that great with people so it’s just not possible. It’s still flattering to be asked though!

Listening to this, which happens to be Blake’s favourite Hip song but not mine.


Now listening to this, which has an awesome video:

Well, so much for this post. I started it yesterday around 1pm but didn’t have enough time to finish it. Yesterday was pretty hectic. But whatever. I’m gonna start over! …but not before I hit “post”.

July 30, 2013

Hands Up, Baby Hands Up

I could be completely wrong but I think that Blurred Lines (ugh) song by Alan Thicke’s son, the “editor’s cut” or whatever of the video I just saw for the first time this morning. I know nothing about this guy other than that one video, I even forget his name like, every time I think about him, which is like, never, so anyway I think he sampled the song I know as “Hands Up, Baby Hands Up” from the old Club Med commercials. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that guy’s a dick whatever the case may be.

Know who else needs public shaming? That Bieber kid. I like, excommunicate him from Canada because in my imagination I have that ability. *taps temple*

Now that that’s over I remember that I came here to add to yesterday’s story that during ALL of that puking, shitting, sprained foot bullshit? I was also on the rag. So like, yay. Which reminds me of this commercial for a wicked service for women in the US that’ll send you your period supplies and a treat in the mail and it’s in tune with your cycle. So I guess it’s for regular period girls. Wouldn’t work for me even if it was available in Canada. (Also I use Lunapads so my periods are basically free at this point.) Anyway I thought it was cool. A good thing to wake up to. Also good to wake up to was this:

Which I got on Layla’s tumblr. (Possibly NSFW all the time but it is right now.)

Also this guy is awesome. That’s from Reddit.

So Snoop Dogg took a trip to Jamaica, brought a bunch of music writers from the US with him and he made a reggae album at a studio there…and turned into a rastafarian because c’mon, this is SNOOP DOGG – or sorry, Snoop LION because he’s “reincarnated” now right? – isn’t that the obvious conclusion? But Bunny Wailer, for reasons I’m not entirely sure of excommunicated him from the rastafarian faith and then everything was cool for a while, as far as I understand it and Snoop and Bunny were friends again, and then I see this really offensive quote where Snoop LION claimed to be the reincarnation of Bob Marley and I just about ate my tongue. So I had interest in the album in the winter when the videos for “Here Comes the King” and “La La La” were released on YouTube – both of which I liked – but then I promptly forgot about it because hello, I have the mind of a goldfish. I sieve out the most unimportant shit I see in a day and keep what was good (or bad, depending on the day).  I see the quote, remember the record, fire up SoulSeek and download it because I am not paying for this crap, especially if I’m pretty sure it’s bullshit. Which it was, but I can’t stop listening to a few of the songs, which have made it on my Summer 2013 playlist. That’s only 22 songs so far but I’m trying to diversify so Blake doesn’t want to kill me on car rides since that’s when it mostly gets listened to. Moral of the story: Snoop Lion is a poser who made a pop record. Congrats.

Speaking of Blake…I woke up with him this morning and we cuddled in bed for about 40 minutes and I didn’t even realize he’d shaved his immigration playoff beard until like, 15 minutes in! He said it was itchy and driving him crazy so he shaved it. Fair enough! I have no idea what it feels like to grow a beard (thank god) and it’s his face, he can do whatever he wants with it. I didn’t like it because I think beards are scratchy and gross on most people and he knows that but that I can deal for short periods of time.

This is one of two giant pieces of Jade found in Canada in 2000. The thread about it is here. Currently they’re debating whether creating a sculpture of a buddhist religious icon with the second one would be more valuable than carving it into a giant dragon penis.

Just a Friend by Biz Markie made it onto my Summer 2013 playlist thanks to Allure from Camwhores (probably NSFW at the moment but definitely a whole lotta fun!) I hadn’t heard that song in soooooo long. :o)

Speaking of Camwhores, there’s a limit of how many videos you can post over there in their blogs section, which I think is a fucking travesty but I’m not going  to bug Kevin to change it because the man has enough problems, so as the one video I’m going to post in this post is this one.

I think I’ve posted it before and people probably already know it, but it’s probably in my top 5 favourite songs of all time (this version though, but a better quality audio track) and it pretty much makes it onto every playlist I make.

Right now Blake and the kids and Brooke and Charlie are at laser tag. haha suckers. Even if my foot wasn’t completely fucked up, I don’t think I would have partook of that. I suggested they go to Pie because it’s right there but I guess there’s pizza at the laser tag place so they’ll just eat there.  Blake’s bringing me home Quiznos. If he keeps my note I’ll show it to you later.

I managed to get to the bathroom, grab a plastic bag from the laundry room, crutch my way into the kitchen, maneuver the fridge on one foot without falling, get 2 Diet Cokes in the bag and crutch back to my office which requires me to go down 3 stairs. Know what that makes me? A fucking ninja badass. Who has Diet Coke.  Booyah.

Thinking at this moment that it would be pretty cool if my brother were here or even if he was on the internet right now. He defriended me on Facebook a long time ago after being a dick on my status update, getting in a fight with my cousin Haylie, me seeing Haylie’s point, my brother then messages me with bullshit and I give him bullshit right back because you fight bullshit with bullshit that’s just how it is. Then he’s like “blah blah blah goodbye sister” or something stupidly dramatic (I realize the irony of that statement!) and defriends me. So that was my last communication with him which was ON WES’ 10TH BIRTHDAY. The status update mentioned Wes’ birthday and finding out my grama was in the hospital and had been diagnosed with cancer. And he pulls bullshit.

But that was February. It’s now almost August and he’s staying with my mom still as far as I know. And he’s seen my grama a lot from what I understand and he’s being very helpful. This is good news. So I’ve been entertaining the idea of hanging out with him and my mom and my grama at my grama’s apartment.

Except this week was out because Brooke & Charlie were visiting, my work meeting was Wednesday, and I have to set up for that…township building art show thingy for the month of August. The thing they made us sign just said that I’d drop the art off and they’d arrange it, so, bonus. At least I don’t have to do that. I just have to buy a tablecloth. If they can do early morning Blake could work from Barrie and drop it all off on his way to work. Maybe if he gets home and isn’t tired from playing with the kids we can go get the tablecloth since he took today off. DAMMIT I’m on crutches. I can’t navigate Wal*Mart on CRUTCHES!!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Ugh. That sucks.

I guess my instructions will be “no patterns, don’t pick a stupid colour, don’t pick white, black is okay”? *thumbs up*? bueno? yeez?

Damn. Just looked at Twitter. Whistleblowing = espionage in the US. Wow. No idea what my country would do in the same situation or if they’d even ever be in that situation (probably) but that’s harsh, man. Bradley Manning, 136 years in prison if sentenced to max penalties. Sentencing tomorrow morning. Wow. Just wow. Run Edward Snowden, Run may be tomorrow’s headline.

Don’t you think it’s a little weird that the US is getting less strict about same sex marriage just as Russia is getting more strict on gay everything while they also basically harbour a fugitive the US wants? Interesting timing don’t you think?

Those are the three international news items (and Gitmo) that have crossed my path on a daily basis in the last little while. Or at least the only ones I’m paying any attention to.  Monsanto craziness is always happening it seems and it would make sense that either something in the GMO plants, which Monsanto provides the seed for, or the pesticides the plants have been GM’d to be able to withstand, which Monsanto also makes, is responsible for the whole bee thing so fuck Monsanto and anything GM to the best of your ability. Unfortunately a lot of processed foods already contain GM ingredients and it’s not labeled so like, the best stuff is probably GM unfortunately. Like the potatoes in chips, I bet those are GM. Unless it’s labeled you just don’t know. First it’s the bees, then it’s going to be the butterflies. Then the birds. The fish are already poisoned.

Not that I’d eat fish anyway, but, y’know…

I just made it into the kitchen with my plastic bag and got the last cold Diet Coke and bottle of water in the house, cursing Blake and the children for not leaving me better rations if they were going to be out this long. :o/ I’m not ninja enough to be able to handle stocking the fridge with cases of Coke and water on crutches.

Oh well.

Listening to this. I didn’t link to the official video because I didn’t like the part in the middle screwing up the song’s vibe. I’ve never seen a song so blatantly and heavy-handedly have a message attached to it with a video. It was cool when I thought it was about guns in clubs, which is a very real problem around the world, but attaching it to Sandy Hook and Columbine and everything seemed a little off initial message. Then again, I’m not usually exposed to official music videos. I’ve only just started looking up random stuff on YouTube to see if it exists, if it’s popular, if I can download it and if it’s worth sharing with the world, passing it on.

I didn’t grow up with cable so while I’m of the MTV Generation (or Much Music, as we had/have in Canada), I missed a lot of things just because my music was what was on the radio and tapes my friends made me. So sometimes music videos catch me off guard and since I’m a super auditory person, I’ll usually link the best MP3 quality I can find, unless the live version is good enough. I used to broadcast on Blip.fm but their search engine is so fucking stupid that all it would ever give me is live versions (usually terrible) or covers (also usually terrible) so I gave up and now I’m just linking to YouTube directly. It wouldn’t kill me to have another tab open for quick searches…says the girl with 15 tabs open. And the day’s not even half over yet.

Canadian Man Sorry for Chugging Eight Beers and Swimming to Detroit” <—- hilarious.

 Oh god, a kid just came to the door, I could tell by the knock. Freaked the dogs out so they started barking like over-protective assholes but I’m on crutches. I couldn’t get to the front door and open it without the dogs getting out before the kid was gone on crutches anyway so I had to sit here like a tool and hope they just went away.

Well, my computer is in front of a window and the “front door” is to the right. My music was turned up to 11 because hello, no one’s home, neighbours aren’t home, why not? So I had to sit here though, and wait until they went away because I didn’t want them to hear me typing. Fucking kids. GRRRR.

Okay I just opened the last cold can of Coke in the house. This is TERRIBLE.  Listening to Miley Cyrus makes the pain go away. Have texted Blake for an ETA. Response percentage 50%.

I wish I could afford to get this for Blake for passing his citizenship test. He would absolutely love it. I’m going to try and talk him into buying it for himself. Today is the last day you can get it. Thanks Stephy! (And for once Madison would try stealing HIS clothes rather than mine.)

People never understand me when I say I need two monitors to do my job. My boss taught me how to do it on two monitors and that’s just how I learned. Blake has 2 at home but 3 at work. People don’t understand what I mean when I say I want a titty-free computer – which this one 98% of the time is – and that one has the biggest monitor of the 3 on my desk. 3 monitors, 2 computers. I also have a cellphone in my lap at the moment which has the biggest screen out of all the phones, I’m pretty sure. I am a sadly connected person haha

Listening to this. Have you ever looked the lyrics of this song up on the internet? Funny shit if you ever get bored.  “You are my guiding star, my shingling light, I love you baby”. :o)

I really hope no more kids come to the door. The dogs are spazzes and the kids told all their friends they’d be with their grandparents today so I dunno what dumb kid it must have been. But if he’s dumb enough to knock once, then twice when there was no answer, he’s dumb enough to come back and knock 3 times like the little pestilent troll he probably is.

Dammit. I wasted my only video on something auditory. Well, that’s fine. But I’m listening to Amanda Palmer, who, if you’re not familiar with,  this is a pretty good start and you should totally watch the video because there’s titties, if nothing else.

Blake got Wayned at the grocery store over the weekend and apparently Judy was totally nice to him too for a change. Ashley was with them. I dunno about the baby, I forgot to ask.  Just interesting that they were at our grocery store when he works at the grocery store at the beach. Maybe the beach one runs out of good stuff early on the weekends. Wouldn’t surprise me. Even on days that kinda suck, the beach is usually pretty busy, that’s why we stay out of the main beach area and go to what’s known as Allenwood. The water and sand’s cleaner there than the main beaches, I think, and it’s also not as crowded. The parking’s not as expensive too, I think.

Anyway, it’s just better. I wish we could live near there rather than going closer to Blake’s office.

Random thought, I know, but if you have a reason to be at the beach, I think you should be at the beach!

Blake just texted me back. It’s roughly an hour after I texted him requesting an update on how long I have to make this Diet Coke last. He’s at Quiznos now so that’s probably 40 mins away. Like I said, texting him was a 50/50 shot of actually getting an answer. He hates texting. He got me a small, cold bottle of Diet Coke to go with my sandwich because he’s thoughtful like that. Yay! <3

When they get home, I’m going to end this and spend the rest of the day with them maybe watching Six Feet Under if I can talk Madison into it. Blake will almost literally watch anything so that leaves a wide selection. We finished Trailer Park Boys season 1 on the weekend and I thought it was pretty awesome, so we might watch more of that. Honestly I’m just hungry and don’t really care either so it’ll probably be one of those. Or a movie of Blake’s choosing.

They’re home! YAY!

Here’s my note to Blake. Peace be with you my ninjas!

March 23, 2013

I liked this.

Posted at 9:24 am in: Art , Life , Mental Health , Quotes , Spring , tumblr
January 24, 2013

Drive Boy Dog Boy Dirty Numb Angel Boy

Today is Madison’s first exam – math – and afterward all her friends are coming back to our house to “chill” until it’s time for them all to catch their buses at 3:30pm. Apparently they’re going to watch Les Miserables which Madison and her friend Emily are now obsessed with. The awkward thing is that apparently Madison’s ex boyfriend “Keegan” (who we didn’t like) and her new boyfriend (who isn’t really new at all, they’ve been on and off again since last year and we mostly like even though he really pissed me off by texting my phone a million times looking for Madison while I was in the hospital this summer) are going to be here so that’s going to apparently happen. Madison said a minimum of 3 kids will be here to a maximum of 6. Joy. And to top it off, I have a work meeting via Skype this afternoon so I’m going to have to mute myself because I don’t trust them to STFU and not sing crappy Les Mis songs. I have my own office though, and they’ll be in the living room and I can close the door so it won’t be so bad. I’m still going to mute myself though because god only knows…

…and this is just day 1 of exams. There’s tomorrow and all next week too and Madison’s the only one of her group who lives in town, so our house is where all these kids are gonna flop until their buses come. Which is fine, I’m not complaining, I just think it’s going to be….interesting. I hope they share their weed. Just kidding!

Monday was a good day. I painted all day and watched Californication and then yoga was cancelled (w00t w00t) so we watched the season premiere of Californication and the newest episode of Girls. Here’s what I was working on:

Pardon the shitty iPod picture, I was too lazy to get the big camera and edit pics etc etc etc and I can just upload to Twitter/Tumblr/Facebook straight from the iPod so that’s what I did. This is what they look like right now after working on them all day yesterday:

Their background is going to be a little bit different than my regular backgrounds but I’m not sure you’ll be able to tell the difference from seeing pics. The gist will be the same in that it’ll be a crackled/splattered/glittered background, but it’s going to have 3 different gradients. Or at least that’s my intent. There’s going to be green at the bottom, then a yellow gold in the middle and metallic orange at the top, then between and beside the two girls, are going to be these neat paper sunflowers I found at Michael’s. They’re Martha Stewart, which makes me not want to use them, but I’m going to anyway because I think it’ll look cool. So that’s what I did Monday-yesterday.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. On Tuesday morning I had a dream about these two characters and I woke up with this in my head:

My brother’s name is Miracle. Our mother named me Petunia Alexander. Outwardly we both pretended to hate her for these names but secretly, together, we loved her for them as we sat through classes with all the Jasons and Jennifers, marveling privately to ourselves at the banality of it all.

But then I got so excited about the prospect of these two characters and the painting I was working on that I got scared I was manic, which always sends me into depression. And this time it kinda stuck, so I pretty much scrapped the whole writing idea and blocked it out of my mind. Now I simply don’t want to do it. I was so bummed out on Tuesday that I took my meds at 6:30pm and went to bed at 7. Then I woke up at about 1am and got a drink and while I drank my drink, I checked Facebook. Where I found this, from my brother, whom I had poked on Facebook on Monday:

U poked me I don’t use fb if u want to talk call me i hate mother cause all she can do is email me. U have my number use it if u would like to talk to me don’t be like her

 I thought an email was the most non carring thing a person can do. Then I get poked lol take cox out of ur name ur a Crittenden for sure

Now, if the whole “Cox” thing is confusing I’ll explain: My brother’s father’s last name is Cox and that’s what i used myself until I was 18 and had to apply for a new healthcard. They told me that because my step-dad hadn’t legally adopted me, I’d been “living under an assumed name” and I’d have to use the name that was on my birth certificate, which was my mom’s last name, Crittenden. On Facebook I use both because there are childhood friends who only know me as “Sarah Cox” so when they see “Sunny Crittenden”, they get confused.

Anyway, he upset me greatly, so I wrote this back:

You told me months ago that if I wanted to talk to you that I should message you here because you said it went straight to your phone and you’d get it right away.

“call me text me fb me . All goes to me phone. email_address@hotmail.com” <— That is what you said. And I don’t use the phone to talk to anyone but Blake. I don’t even call our mother. I’m mentally ill, remember?

I hadn’t heard from you for a while so I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Why all the hostility? I never did anything wrong and don’t forget that you were the one who contacted me here first. And I put Cox in my name because that’s what I used for over half my life and that’s what a lot of people know me as. It has nothing to do with who my parents are or were and you don’t get to give me permission to use it.

Anyway, I don’t want to fight. I just wanted to see how you were since you never messaged me back after the last time we talked. How are you? Did you ever hear from Chris or Michelle? How was your Xmas? I saw that in Nov. you changed your relationship status to “in a relationship”, is that a new girlfriend or the same one as before?

At Xmas I was going to ask for your mailing address to send you a card and pics of the kids that I had printed but I figured you probably wouldn’t give it to me. The offer of pics still stands though, if you wanted me to mail you some.

Okay I just got up to get a drink, gonna go back to bed now. I love you and I hope everything’s okay wherever you are.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I was so nice to him. I probably shouldn’t have been. Blake says that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make my brother not be a hate machine and that I need to stop trying because I just get hurt every single time. He’s probably right. I just can’t help but think that deep inside my brother there’s a good person. Unfortunately the reality is that he sees me as an extension of my mother, who he hates, so he’s never going to be decent to me. I’ve decided that if he a) doesn’t reply by the end of the week (so tomorrow) and b) isn’t nice when he does, I’m going to delete him and block him and that’ll be the end of things. Enough is enough. I was already super depressed and his message hit a nerve and pinged me so hard that I didn’t stop crying until this morning when I decided I wasn’t going to cry over him anymore. Sometimes you just have to give up on people, especially when they’re nothing but mean to you the whole time.

So yesterday was pretty rough. I worked on my girls, above, and started watching Breaking Bad and then I just laid on the couch and watched TV until bedtime pretty much. Blake and I went to Alma’s for dinner but I was too upset to eat. Afterward we went to the grocery store and got ice cream and I sat on the couch (which I basically never do) with the quilt I’ve had since I was a kid and a pillow and I ate ice cream out of the tub while we watched Breaking Bad and then when I was done eating ice cream, I put it away and Blake gave me a massage for an hour. And then I woke up this morning with the sun shining and feeling fine.

The plan for today, besides my work meeting, are to work on my painting and to watch more of Breaking Bad, which, by the way, I like, but I don’t think it’s super fantastic like a lot of people do but then again I’m only on like, episode 3 or 4 of season 2. Netflix has 4 seasons and apparently I can get the beginning of season 5 on the Pirate Bay and the 2nd half of the season starts in July (as one helpful person on Get Glue told me yesterday).  Anyway, it’s something to watch while I paint. I haven’t checked yet but I’m hoping Sons of Anarchy is on Netflix too because I have a lot of friends who are obsessed with that show too.

I’ve been a little bit sick the last couple of weeks. Not like, full blown flu or anything, but just this obnoxious runny nose that wasn’t made better by the last two days of crying. So keep that in mind when I show you me today:

I’m posting these pics so you can see my white roots haha The bleach I used got the pink to like, a cotton candy pink, as you can see, with white streaks, but didn’t get rid of it altogether. I started using Big shampoo by Lush again because I decided my hair wasn’t damaged enough. I had been using like, Pantene or something like that, but when I use commercial shampoos and conditioners my hair gets too silky and slippery and I feel like I have to wash it twice as often. Plus I just like my hair to have more texture because I can do more with it. Big is 50% sea salt so it makes my hair wavy and it dried it out so I don’t have to wash it as often and it gives my hair lots of texture. I just ordered Lush’s new Big solid conditioner and their sea salt texturizing spray so we’ll see how that stuff works. Both are brand new and I’ve never tried them so…I also got their new Shine So Bright hair balm to deal with the inevitable split ends from all that sea salt. Seems counter-intuitive, I know. Also in the order is good ol’ Coalface and The Kiss lip balm. The order should be here today or tomorrow. I also wanted to try their new conditioner called Happy Happy Joy Joy but it’s $40 a bottle so I went with Big instead. Currently I use Veganese and I like it a lot but wanted to try Big since it sort of went with the shampoo.

Anyway, you probably don’t even care.

That’s pretty much all I have to say. Does anyone have any idea why I can’t post animated gifs to Tumblr? I have TONS of them that I want to post but when I do post them they’re there but not animated. What am I doing wrong? Someone said they had to be under 500mb and they are so I dunno what the deal is. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Peace oot, homies.

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