February 19, 2015

Camwhores. Babbling. I has a sad. :o(

Yesterday Camwhores.com, where I have had my webcam exclusively for 14 years and where practically every single one of my friends come from, made a public announcement saying that they will be shutting down the site as of March 17th. I’ve talked with Kevin and there’s nothing to be done, it’s just time. A lot of people have been talking about building new portals or new communities so we all stay together but knowing what I do about what it took to make Camwhores work, I’m not very optimistic anything will last very long. I think the idea that shows the most promise is the subreddit Belinda set up, but I’m not really that much into Reddit so I can’t say if I’ll be in there much. I’ll definitely try. I know I won’t be posting nude cam pics, if I am, because the best part about CW for me, was that all my nudes and shows and sexual anythings were “contained” in one place where all of that was appropriate and inaccessible to minors. I don’t want sex stuff on my site and there’s no such thing anymore as a 30 second refreshing still cam portal. Camwhores was the the first and last one. And even if there was, honestly, I doubt I would trust it unless I knew the person running it. (And anyone I can think of who I’d trust wouldn’t be able to pull it off, I’m fairly sure.)

I’m fucking sad and I can’t stop crying.  I had the realization today that since Camwhores is the ONLY place I cammed, if it doesn’t exist, I guess I’m not a camgirl anymore. :o/

A lot of girls will go to MyFreeCams.com and probably make more money, but for some of us, it was never ever about money. And me? I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate streaming video. Loathe. I don’t like watching myself move and talk and hear myself, like I just can’t deal. But at the same time, I can’t not watch. The other thing is that MFC has a lot of trolls who are gonna make fun of me because I have a space between my teeth or because of my scar or because they’re just assholes out to ruin a girl’s day and I did the dealing with those kinds of trolls 15 years ago when the internet was much smaller and my reputation was a lot bigger and I am way too grown to step into that arena and get “rolled in” again. And for what? It’s not like I *have* to show off my body or I can’t live or anything. It’s just that sometimes you wanna post a pic on the internet of (a) body part(s) you can’t show on Instagram or Facebook. Even though we’re all friends, being on CW was/is partly performance, you’re in the spotlight while doing a show, with a totally appreciative audience who all know it’s better to leave for 20 minutes, than to say anything negative because they will be banned for various lengths of time to indefinitely. To express your negative opinion of a camwhore, members could vote them minus or vote all of their pictures 1s (on a scale of 1-10). There was a healthy outlet built into our community for negative feelings and as simple as it was, most of the time it was enough. In recent history, the only egregious thing I can recall is a member got really drunk and went on an awful tirade in chat about one of our girls, who I think was even live at the time, and he had to be given a timeout. But what did he do when his ban was over and he came back? He wrote a sincere public apology to the girl by way of CW’s blogs and while I forget if she actually accepted it, that’s the kind of gestures that could happen in our Camwhores community completely organically. You are never going to find a community on the internet that moderated itself so well, with very few people actually having the ability to moderate. Especially not one that grew out of the E/N scene. (I actually only know of one person from the E/N scene A) still doing E/N basically and B) making a decent living at it, but some people I know are primed and ready for it to come back.)

There is nowhere on the internet where you can post a picture straight from your webcam, let alone a nude, let alone the most explicit nude you can think of. You can post nudity on Twitter but my mom’s on my Twitter. She was probably okay with naked tree pose last week but I doubt she’d be happy knowing the precise colour of my labia. And the picture I *was* gonna post on Camwhores 2 days ago that would be totally within site rules but decided against because I had an ingrown hair and it wouldn’t be perfect enough, would almost definitely get me perma-banned from Twitter. And we all know Facebook and Instagram are lame when it comes to nudity in even ART. My friend and fellow artist Ana Voog has been suspended from Facebook a million times for posting artwork barely featuring nudity, it’s ridiculous. I get wanting to keep Facebook a SFW place, I agree with that and think it should be what it is, but when we’re banning art and breastfeeding, something’s fucking wrong with us. And of course there’s Instagram whose most famous hashtag is #freethenipple. Need I say more on  that one? (I like to covertly insert my boobs and nether regions into Instagram. Only I know it’s there or what it is, but it’s there dammit.) You can get naked on tumblr. Yes. Yes, you can. Tumblr is basically the 2nd last place on the internet I’d like to be, with 4chan taking home the prize. Tumblr just confuses me and ruins all the shows I watch because I download or record them and watch them later and how some of these people get gifs BEFORE the show airs, I have no idea, but tumblr is just a spoiler minefield so I avoid it at all costs. I realize I can stop following these people but sometimes I like seeing the gifs. Anyway, the tumblr community freaks me out and it’s a shitty place to actually communicate with people so that’s just a great big “no”.

So that pretty much leaves LiveJournal – which is totally fine with nudity but a bloody tampon is “obscene”, as Ana found out over a decade ago – and my site. You can’t make a webcam page on LiveJournal. I have a webcam page on my site, but it just tells you to go to Camwhores with a brief description of what I do there and approximately when. If I could change that page, and I only say “if” because it’s a WordPress page, so that my cam image updates every 30 seconds (maybe longer since it won’t be like CW), no archives and there’s a little chat thingy on the page, that would be good. Ideally the chat thingy would be one that you can pop out of the page or one that makes sounds when people talk and one where you can definitely ban people. In my brain, this sounds like an impossible thing, maybe to someone else it sounds simple. I dunno. A bonus to having a cam on my site is that Wes and Madison can be on it, so that would be cool. Instead of a PayPal link (because PayPal gets in a snit if they think you’re using it for anything “adult”), I think fuckit, I’ll accept Bitcoin. Why not? Camming’s not about money to me and Bitcoin’s not even real money to me, but with it there’s still an exchange of value, of appreciation, even if it’s a fragment of a cent. (I have no idea how Bitcoin works but I am signed up with this cool Bitcoin thing that Steph (the Geek) used to tip me enough Bitcoin to buy a cupcake if I’m ever anywhere that takes Bitcoin and has cupcakes that price! It’s made for tipping so it would be perfect. Totally forget what it’s called but it’s in my e-mail.)

Kevin doesn’t think there’s an audience for 320 x 240 static cams anymore but Ana and Steph and I are not so sure about that. What we all do about it remains to be seen. Maybe Everything/Maybe Nothing.

May 9, 2013

Title.

I *love* ice cream. I never used to, I used to think – to quote Drew Barrymore – that it was “frozen vomit”, especially if it had chunky things in it. But then Kevin introduced me to Dippin’ Dots, The Ice Cream of the Future and I’ve been hooked ever since. There’s this local-ish dairy called Kawartha Dairy that makes this gorgeous “Death By Chocolate” ice cream that is making me super fat. It’s chocolate ice cream, but like PREMIUM creamy chocolate ice cream made with real cream and sugar, with swirls of brownie batter-like stuff and chocolate chunks. It is heavenly.

Speaking of heavenly things that make me fat, I’ll show you this:

Those are All Dressed chips, which I had for dinner Tuesday night.
They’re a Canadian thing.
They’re a mixture of all the main chip flavours (including ketchup) except sour cream and onion.

If you ever wanna import good shit from Canada, lemme know.

The roses my grama bought me are still on my desk so I decided to try and take better pictures of them. I dunno if I succeeded but here they are:

My lilac bush that’s only a few years old is going to have flowers this year!
Only a little bit but still!

Bleeding hearts.

So Brian introduced me to MC Chris and I’m in looooooooove. I dunno how this has been missing my whole life, honestly. Brian says I live under a rock-like canopy that doesn’t allow things like KISS and MC Chris in. I only downloaded Dungeon Master of Ceremonies but that’s pretty much all I’ve been listening to…even though I need to be finding songs for this THING I’m working on that’s taken on a life of its own…

Obviously I have the new and final Sookie Stackhouse novel. I’m about halfway through and so far so good. My prediction is that she’s going to end up with Sam. ;o)

And last but not least, Hyperbole and a Half is BACK. Click here to go yonder.

So between MC Chris, ice cream, All Dressed chips, Sookie Stackhouse and Hyperbole and a Half, things are pretty awesome. No complaints!

March 22, 2013

What is on your happy list?

One of the first things I did when I set up WordPress (okay, had Blake set up WordPress) was make a page for thanking the universe. Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe you haven’t, but here it is either way: SHPLOINK. I add to it every now and then, just little bits here and there as I think of them, but admittedly it’s been a while since I paid that page any attention so at the suggestion of ZeFrank’s video above, I decided to add the following to my happy list:

Baby corn, teriyaki, ribbon and lace. Unicorns, dinosaurs, the Lock Ness Monster either real or imagined. Virginal whiteboards and a whole whack of markers, the ability to figure things out – even if it takes a while; paper flowers, pancreatic enzymes, YouTube, copper, gold and tin. Baby sloths, grown up sloths, sloths in general. Love notes, crystals, magic, movies, comic books, stories (even though sometimes they make me cry). Videos of dogs being reunited with their owners (even though they pretty much always make me cry). Family, friends, friends that are family; Sharpies, shar-peis, beagles, mongrels and mutts. Headbands with ears, horns, bouncy flowers and halos; pirates, puzzles, gel pens, scissors and glue. Random text messages like the one Madison just sent me about baby goats running around in her French class. Postcards, Play-Doh and plasticene; mud masks and hair dye.

What would be on yours?

I Like My Beats Fast & My Bass Down Low

I just finished reading The Walking Dead volume 17: Something To Fear (the first trade past the 2nd compendium) and I have no trouble admitting that it made me cry like a fucking baby. :o( It’s kinda killing me that I have to wait to find out what happens next. That’s my beef with comics, I just want to read a story from beginning to end. But with comics you only get bits and pieces and it drives me crazy.  Also just the format of comics is too slow for me, I don’t like pictures in my books. Having said that, I’ve really enjoyed The Walking Dead, but I think that’s mostly because the compendiums felt more like real books than comics.

Yesterday’s CBT was pretty useless. It was the chapter on “anger, guilt and shame” and completing “responsibility pies”. Seriously. Well, I don’t often get angry and when I do it’s completely justified. Like they said “write down the last time you were angry and rate your anger with a percent”. So I did.

Justified.
No “responsibility pie” necessary, I’m well aware of who’s responsible for this and it’s not me.

I just don’t really get angry. I have guilt about not doing productive things but that doesn’t really jive with a “responsibility pie” because the examples they used were like…well lemme explain what a responsibility pie is. So you have a situation. The examples they used were Marissa was sexually molested by her father when she was a kid (shame), Vic was pissed at his wife for bringing up credit card debt and yelled at her (anger) and someone got a DUI (guilt, I think). So then for each thing, you assign a bit of responsibility to each person or thing that surrounded those events and you do yourself last so you don’t automatically assign yourself too much of the responsibility out of guilt, anger or shame. So like for Marissa, they assigned 70% of the pie to her father. Then they assigned 10% to her mother for not protecting her. then they assigned 10% to the alcohol her father consumed before molesting her and then maybe 5% because I suck at math, to her grandfather for molesting HER father and the 5% that’s left was Marissa’s share for not doing more to stop the molestation. So that’s a responsibility pie. Now you can see how it doesn’t exactly apply to the last thing that made me angry.

On the way home Blake and I were trying to think of the last time I was angry and like, we had a minor fight last Friday and I was pissed at him but neither of us remembered what it was about. Like I said, my guilt doesn’t really apply to this at all and I think it’s pretty obvious I have no shame.

So CBT this week was a bust. Next week they moved the class to Wednesday but because Blake and I already arranged it with our bosses for Thursdays, I’m coming in next Thursday as scheduled and we’re just going to have a mini class with me and one other lady.

Next week is “Assumptions and Action Plans”. Oh joy of joys.

We got a call yesterday that Rick (my caseworker) wouldn’t be able to see me but this Susan woman could. Blake called back to see what that was all about and they didn’t elaborate much but said Rick was going to be gone for 4-6 weeks. I hope he’s okay. :o/ You usually only take a sudden 6 week vacation if something’s wrong in my experience. Anyway, I can start seeing this Susan woman instead if I want but I don’t think I want to. I just don’t see the point. Blake may disagree, I dunno, we haven’t really talked about it in great detail. I don’t want to deal with a new person and I’m not sure I need a caseworker anyway. Rick hasn’t exactly helped, I don’t think, and it’s just one more hoop I have to jump through and I’m sick of all this bullshit. I just want to crawl under a rock and be left alone.

I haven’t heard anything new about my grama. I’m not really being kept in the loop. My mom e-mailed Blake asking what time we have off for Easter and she said she may have something up her sleeve which is a terrifying prospect. I only have the Sunday off (well and the Monday but Blake doesn’t) and as long as we’re home by 9pm, I don’t care what we do. That’s the Game of Thrones premiere and the Walking Dead finale, so yeah…

I sent my Aunt Betty a framed print of this picture on Monday:

For those not in the know, that’s sap dripping out of a spigot into a metal sap bucket and I sent it to my Aunt Betty because my whole ;life, up until a few years ago, my Aunt Betty & Uncle Bill made maple syrup by tapping the trees on their property. It was sort of a big deal. My Aunt Betty is older now though and my Uncle Bill fell and hit his head so he’s apparently not so much “all there” anymore so they don’t make maple syrup anymore but it’s still a lot of good memories for all of us so I thought she’d appreciate that picture. She’s going through a lot right now with my grama dying & all so I thought I’d send her something to make her smile.

Anyway, I have to go work on something before I worry myself into anemia (you win 10 internets if you get that reference!) so I’ll leave you with this pretty genius commercial from Friskies that I have no ties to whatsoever, other than a love for creative advertising:

Peace oot.

October 23, 2012

How to Love a Goddess

I haven’t actually attended a Hug Nation in a while because I just haven’t been able to, but I always watch the archives and thought this one was particularly good. Everything John says in this video are things Blake understands and values and has since before I even knew him. That’s just one of the many reasons why I married him in the first place and why our marriage continues to be so successful. (Although I kinda think the whole “goddess” label is pretty cheesy. Ignore that part.)

September 19, 2012

A Healthy Dose of Halcyon – His TEDx is Finally Up!

September 10, 2012

This Is The Best Thing Ever.

Thanks, Jax.
(And thanks to Belinda for introducing me to this guy a few weeks ago. I’m definitely a fan.)

August 27, 2012

So Many Thoughts…

Today Blake took me to see The Dark Knight Rises and he bought me popcorn (WITH  butter!), a giant drink and almond M&Ms because they came with the combo (I’m not a fan). Originally I was going to have to pay for my own drink, which would have been $4 – wait, hold up, I’m forgetting something important: today we were supposed to go to the Picasso exhibit in Toronto but admission was $25 EACH and then you had to rent this audio device for $5 EACH and my friend Mike, who went yesterday, warned me ahead of time that it was crazy crowded and being the last day of the show, I figured it would be in my best interest to avoid it, as much as I wanted to see it. I’m really disappointed that we didn’t go, but at the same time, I only had $60 to my name until I get paid in 2 weeks and I had to pay for Blake too, so that was the ultimate deciding factor.

Anyway, Blake said he’d buy my ticket and a medium popcorn (WITH BUTTER!) but I had to buy my own drink. Well, something many people don’t know about me is that I *have* to have a drink within reach at all times. To me there is absolutely nothing worse than being thirsty and I go to extreme lengths to avoid that particular discomfort so going to the movies and not having a drink would be unthinkable, particularly when there was salty popcorn involved, so my options were to buy a $4 pop or bring a can of diet Coke from home. Because that’s what we had. I only had $60 to my name and I had to buy things still for Squam so I asked on Facebook if anyone had ever snuck anything to a movie theatre because I never had and the overwhelming response was “yes” and that I should definitely do it. The problem was that I only had cans and I was afraid of two things: a) getting caught because of the sound of opening one and b) people in the theatre hearing me and thinking I was as ghetto as I was being. In the end, I just couldn’t do it because I would be mortified if discovered and then when I was reserved to spending 4 whole dollars on a drink, Blake surprised me with the combo he got – on him. So yay for Blake!

And just as an aside to this rambly rambly post, I totally cried at fucking Batman. I cannot even believe what an emotional wreck I am. I cry at the drop of a hat, I can’t control it and it is completely embarrassing. Also not that anyone cares about this non-fangirl’s opinion, I’m going to give it to you anyway: I think it was a really good end to this reboot. My only beef was that Bane (Bain?) was such a meathead. I just didn’t buy him as someone trained by the League of Shadows and the mastermind orchestrating the whole thing (NO SPOILERS FROM THIS GIRL! YOU’RE WELCOME!). Blake said that in the comics he was like that though so shows what I know. I just didn’t like him. I *did* love Scarecrow as the “judge” though. Cillian Murphy is so handsome. And that’s my thoughts on Batman.

(more…)

August 7, 2012

Nish Nish Nish

So my daughter’s a raging racist and I’m having a really hard time being her friend right now. (Yes I know you’re not supposed to be their friend, but I am both friend and parent to Madison and that’s just how it is.)

Here’s what happened:

On Sunday or Saturday, I was talking to my friend Kara on Twitter about the whole Gala Darling/xoJane controversy (long story short: Gala Darling is a really obnoxious popular blogger who was just hired on as xoJane.com’s beauty editor…a few years ago, she posted photos on her site of herself in a Native American/Canadian feathered headdress which, as most of you are aware, is cultural appropriation and a hugely massive mistake for a white person to make. When this was pointed out to her in comments, her response to the controversy was to turn comments on her site OFF and pretend it never happened). Kara is Cree so I was asking her questions about the headdress because I was wondering if you could wear one if you made one yourself and it was more “gay pride parade” than “traditional”. (The answer is still a big NO).

Anyway, I actually read a lot about First Nations issues and I spent most of Saturday (in between working) trying to keep up with all the comments on xoJane. All like, 900 of them. And then I’d start clicking links left in the comments and get deeper and deeper into it. SO, by Sunday morning, I was still talking to Kara about it and somehow we got on the topic of pow wow. I casually said, like, “hey I live half an hour from a huge reservation, we would totally go to pow wow if you wanted to,” to which Kara replied, “They’re having a pow wow this month!” and she sent me the link and now us, Kara, our friends Heatha and her boyfriend Tim are all going to pow wow on the 26th.

Madison woke up. I said “Hey Madison, guess what!” and she said “what?” and I said, “We’re going to pow wow!” and she started asking questions about where it was and how much it cost. I told her it was $10. She asked who was paying because she’s obsessed with both our finances and her own. I said we were. Then she said, “Why is it $10?” and I said, “Well it’s like any performance, you pay to watch and participate.”

And then she said, “Why do they want money anyway? Wouldn’t they rather have like, beaver skins or something?”

I lost my ever-loving shit right then and there and I haven’t really spoken to her since because I’m just so disappointed by her saying something like that. I sent her maybe 6 e-mails with links to sites about our First Nations peoples and cultural appropriation since I had them all open in tabs anyway and then, at Kara’s suggestion, I made her watch 8th Fire, which is a 4-part documentary series by the CBC about modern First Nations peoples and their issues and successes and it’s REALLY well done, I hope they expand the series, honestly.

Anyway, as of yesterday afternoon both Madison and Blake had watched the entire series but I have no idea if she actually learned anything or not because her tactic is, since I’m mad at her she’s going to be mad at me right back.  I’m going to have Blake talk to her today.

Initially, I was pretty upset by what she said because it was just such a vile thing to come out of MY kid’s mouth and it really just blew me away. How could this be her view of Natives? How is that even possible, especially when she went to Ottawa with her class in the spring and they saw a Native performance or something like that (I’m not totally sure what it was, to be honest). What are they teaching the kids in school about our Native population? Nothing, apparently. This doesn’t surprise me sadly, because their school is a total joke. The ONLY book Madison’s class read last year was the goddamned Hunger Games and IT WAS READ *TO* THEM BY THEIR TEACHER! They’re 14! And then, get this, they took a class trip to see the fucking movie because yeah, that’s way educational right? Also Blake asked Madison’s teacher mid-year to not let Madison use a calculator in math because she doesn’t know her times tables and her teacher was all, “yes, yes, I will” but that was a fucking lie because her teacher was lazy and didn’t seem to want to actually teach this year. I have so many more examples of the absolute fail of that school, but I won’t get into it now. It just really bothers me that they’re not learning about Natives in social studies or current events or whatever they have. The crisis in Attawapiskat should have been a topic of discussion, at LEAST. Or even a little history lesson or SOMETHING.

Anyway, she’s really pissing me off with this whole attitude she’s developed where “tee hee! Being ignorant is cute and funny! *wink*” Like, when she said what she said, I blasted her with like, 10 facts about Native people all at once and she was like, “oh okay cool, anyway…” and completely dismissed me and now she’s doing everything in her power to stay willfully ignorant. She doesn’t see why she has to “learn about this stuff” if “they’re going to teach us all this stuff at pow wow”. Um, that’s not what pow wow is and if you’d read my fucking links, you little shit, you’d know that and additionally, IT IS NOT A MARGINALIZED PERSON’S JOB TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE IGNORANT. Kara, saddened by what Madison said, has volunteered to give her some Native 101 when we go to pow wow and I think that is incredibly gracious.

Yes, Madison is still a kid. Yes, she thought a reservation and a conservation area were the same thing. Yes, she thought Natives were naturalists and that they lived in the woods and built wig wams and shit and that’s what they’d need beaver pelts for. I get that she just has no clue and that it’s my job to teach her. That’s what I’m trying to do, but she is fighting Blake and I tooth and nail on this and I don’t understand why. Maybe she’s just embarrassed that she said something so stupid and wrong and her instinct is to lash out instead of educate herself? She’s SO defensive, saying “GOD, I KNOW now, can you please shut up about it?” after watching one episode of 8th Fire, like that was going to tell her the whole story.

Blake just informed me that Madison actually has one more episode of 8th Fire to watch, which makes me seethe because Madison got extra special fun time yesterday (Blake put up her badminton net and he and the kids and the neighbour kid played for hours) and then she followed it up by having pop (which we never have for the kids, it’s a treat) and reading a book all night instead of just watching the goddamned show. It’s only 45 minutes long!  Mark my words, she will watch it even if I have to keep her eyes open with toothpicks.

So that’s that.

In other news, I lost 15lbs last week. I Wii Fatted myself on Friday I think and it said I’d lost 15lbs and I’m now 122lbs total. On the day of my surgery they weighed me and I was 130lbs so hey, that’s an improvement! Most of the weight that came off was fluid from surgery but obviously there was more than that in there. I’m still full of fluid like in my abdominal area, it’s still really swollen and hard. When all is said and done, I’m not going to have a flat belly, they just couldn’t push all my guts back in where they were before, my guts had gotten used to being out and about, but that’s okay. It’s still a huge improvement. I wish my scar was a little more hardcore. I wish they just would have cut my bellybutton out because it looks fucking stupid and then there’s that whole third nipple thing that is NOT going away. I can’t really complain though, I guess, I mean, do I even have that right?

I do think it’s pretty cool that I now fit into my pink Camgirls documentary yoga pants which haven’t fit me since 2006.

Oh that’s the other thing: eating. I just don’t do it. EVERYTHING or even just the THOUGHT of everything, makes me feel really really sick. I’ve been living on roast beef sandwiches and egg and cheese sandwiches on everything bagels but even those have lost their appeal. I just have no idea what to eat that won’t make me feel sick because just thinking about food makes me nauseous, usually. Yesterday I ate half of a roast beef sandwich for lunch and then I had about 4 bites of Mr. Noodles (ramen) for dinner. The day before that I didn’t eat anything.

So that probably has something to do with the crazy weight loss too.

We’ve decided definitively not to make plans to buy the house next door to my mom for a bunch of reasons that are probably really obvious. For one, I don’t love the house and if I’m going to buy another house and live in it for the rest of my life, I want it to be something I love. Two, living next door to my mom would just have way too many challenges. For example, what do I do if my kids are over at her house and my grama shows up? I asked my mom this question in the hospital and she got shitty with me, saying she’ll have whoever she pleases in her house which had nothing to do with my question and she was obviously agitated by the conversation so I just dropped it. If we can’t even have that conversation without her getting hostile, this whole thing just isn’t going to work.

The other thing is that, my mom and I are getting along *now*, but what about in 5 years? 10? We have a long history of fights and it would suck to have to move again because of that. Blake suggested that we look for a house in the same town, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea either. What happens if we get in a fight and then we have to see them at the grocery store or the post office or wherever all the time?

The kids still want us to move there. Blake still does too. I just think it’s a bad idea. I will admit that Xmas morning with my mom and John and the kids could be pretty great though and would only be something we’d do if we did live next door to each other. :o/

But speaking of my mom, look at these little garden bugs John makes:

Cute, right?

He actually makes all kinds of garden creatures out of vintage and recycled parts. They’re pretty cool. I can’t remember the name of his business off the top of my head (something to do with a foundry or a forge or something?) or the URL to his website, but if I remember it, I’ll edit this post and add it because the creatures are pretty neat.

See all that milkweed in the picture? That’s all I grow now. The butterflies like it. *shrug* Our vegetable garden is an absolute write off. No one watered it so everything died in the heat we’ve been having. Same with my window boxes and hanging planters. Therefore I give up. I’m not gardening anymore. I just don’t care. Maybe by the time we have our forever home I’ll care again.

Sunday morning I had a terrible dream where Blake left me because I accidentally dropped his iPhone in the sink and I was so upset that I woke up crying. :o( I hate that, it just sets an awful tone for the day. Also Blake doesn’t even have (nor want) an iPhone.

I tried painting last night and it was pretty much a disaster that I’m going to have to fix today. *IF* it’s even fixable. Blake downloaded all of last season’s Gossip Girl for me so my plan is to watch that all day and paint. But first I’m going to have a nap because my morning meds are kicking in and right now I’m fighting to stay awake.

I hope you all have a wonderful, sunny day. :o)

PS! Everything in my Etsy shop is ridiculously reduced, so go take a look! There’s literally no room left in this house to hang any more paintings so I have to clear them out. Also the stuff I have in my head right now is a little different than paintings past so I kinda want an empty shop and a clean slate before I start adding new stuff.

Also, I’ve decided I’m not doing Touched By Fire this year. The submission deadline is September 2nd (I think) and I just can’t have anything ready and photographed by then. I mean, I could if I really wanted to, I suppose, but I don’t feel like working on the kind of stuff they’d want to see. I’ve said it before but that show is all about mental illness and they want the work to reflect the turmoil of that and man, I just don’t paint that. I got better. And they don’t want “better”, they want “tortured” and that’s just not me. I have an idea for a painting that would probably fit the show and be accepted but I don’t feel like working on it so I’m just not even going to try to make the deadline.

And that’s that.

Edit: This is from my mom, apparently I was wrong. (To be fair, these bugs just appeared at my house from my mom’s house so I assumed John made them): “um…John didn’t make those cute bugs…..fireflys actually….to give credit where it’s due and deserved….
http://www.blackcrowforge.com/fireflys.html

July 4, 2012

Thanks, Jenny.

Do you read The Bloggess? If not you probably should, she’s pretty rad.

Anyway, I don’t really have a real post to write, I just wanted to link her post from June 21st of LAST year because it was one of the last things I read and posted all over Facebook before I ended up in the hospital for 2 months and it holds a special place of honour in our house as a result. It’s the story of her 15th wedding anniversary with her husband, Victor. Until that post I had never heard of The Bloggess, but the story of their anniversary was so funny to us because it was so much like a story Blake and I would live/tell.

So read the post, then read the rest of mine. It’s okay. Go read it. I’ll wait.

July 8th is mine and Blake’s anniversary and every year we go to Haugen’s to eat ribs and strawberry pie, but last year he and my mom were by my bedside in the ICU of St. Mike’s, where I was in a medically induced coma, unsure as to whether or not I’d even make it through the day. Obviously emotions ran high or so I’m told and can only imagine (again, I don’t remember much from that hospital).

I don’t know when my mom did it or how she obtained it, but at some point in the day, she presented Blake with his very own metal chicken, or “Canadian Beyonce” as I’ve come to call her:

“Knock, knock, motherfucker, eh?”

Much needed laughs were apparently had, but what really struck me about the gesture when I found out about it was the fact that until then, my mother had never acknowledged our anniversary or even really our marriage. The reason? Because she wasn’t invited to our wedding. Because we didn’t have one. (And I kinda get why she was mad, because my step-dad was one of the witnesses and she hates him and hates that it was him and not her but our ceremony was literally thrown together in a few hours because the officiant was driving past our house on his way home from another wedding and was like, “wanna get married?” so we had like, hours to call Nicole (10 minutes away) and my step-dad (who lived in the same town) as witnesses and while I thought about asking my mom to come, we decided not to because if SHE was there, Blake’s mom would be pissed and think it was a slight against her. Anyway, as a result, both mothers were pretty mad at us, although they both seem to be over it by now.)

Anyway, long story short (too late), The Bloggess’ chicken story is very special to us and that is why.

On Saturday Blake and I will be hosting a party for our 10th wedding anniversary at Haugen’s where we will share the best ribs and fresh strawberry pie on Earth with our family (particularly the Americans, who have never had it, my family’s grown up with it so it’s not such a big deal) and then we will be hosting the afterparty at our house with about 15 of our closest friends. Since there is no drinking and driving, they will all be sleeping over and in the morning, Blake (and I…maybe) will make everyone a big breakfast before we send everyone home and then we may or may not have the sexual relations because the house will be empty and we never get to have daytime sex.  (My mom, Blake’s mom and husband and our kids will all be at the cottage.)

I’m nervous as hell because I’ve never thrown a party before and I’m convinced that either no one will come or they will come and they’ll have a terrible time, but that’s just me being a neurotic freak and Blake assures me everything will go as planned.

*fingers crossed*

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