My Live Journal is updated just about daily and covers more personal things than this blog.

If you have Live Journal, you can add the RSS feed here.

My Twitter is updated just about hourly and is…I don’t even know what I update there haha Gibberish?

My YouTube channel is here.

My photo galleries can be found here.

You can see me naked and archived here. [NSFW, duh.]

You can buy me shit here.

As an aside, I’ve decided not to renew my PO box this year because they raised the price ($120!) and I just didn’t have the extra money to spend on it. If you need to send me something, just e-mail me and if I decide you’re not a freak, I’ll just give you the house address.

I’ll make a “real” post later, but now I have to go eat dinner!

So I’m dicking around on the internet.

I’m dying for a smoke. I know it’s just the “nicotine monster” screaming to be fed and that eventually that little bastard is going to die, but right now it really sucks. :o/ It’s going to take all the willpower I have not to go over to the neighbours’ tomorrow to hang out and bum a few smokes, but I’m reserved to not doing it. If I can make it 3 days without doing that, then I think I’m golden. After a few false starts, tomorrow is day 1.

I went to bed tonight at 10pm, after Heroes, because I was literally falling asleep in my chair. Then I woke up around 1:30am and haven’t been able to get back to sleep due to what my shrink calls “racing thoughts”. I’ve taken an extra clonazepam and an Ativan and if those don’t kick in soon, I’m pulling out the big guns and taking Zyprexa because the more I sleep, the less I want to smoke and if I can sleep through the next 3 days of withdrawal, that’d be great.

I also can’t sleep because I’m excited. Today the mail lady came while I was sleeping and left a package slip on the door. If it is what I think it is, it means I have a new toy to play with and that makes me happy. I have it on good authority that a new camera is coming my way and that makes me beyond giddy and all I can’t stop thinking about all of the things I want to do with it. Images flashing through my mind, my brain figuring out logistics.

When Madison was 3 and 4, I took a lot of really great pictures of her using a piece of crap 1.3 mpx Sony Cybershot that ultimately got used to death and it’s always bummed me out that I never got to do the same with Wes because right now all we have is this PIECE OF SHIT FROM HELL Canon Digital Rebel (yeah I know, it’s supposed to be good, whatever, I hate it, it’s 100 x more camera than I know how to use).

(Click here if you haven’t seen the rest.)

But now that a certain friend from the intarwebs who probably wants to remain nameless has gifted me this new version of the Sony Cybershot for Xmas, I’ll be able to and that makes me sooooooooo happy.

There’s this trail with a creek running along it near my house and I’m excited for spring so I can take Wes back there and take good pictures of him like I did with Madison. I was laying in bed like, planning the shots, as well as the logistics. Like, do I need Blake’s help? (Maybe.) Should I do some with the dogs? (Maybe.) But what I’m thinking is that one day in the spring when Madison’s at school, we’ll both douse ourselves with bug spray, pack a picnic and just go on an adventure back there with the camera and see what happens.

I wish I could explain what it looks like back there. There’s a creek, of course, but along the side of the creek there’s a path that’s lined with these purple flowers in the spring. Over the creek is a canopy of trees that make these amazing shadows and reflections on the water and the shots of Wes in my head are all golden.

I CAN’T WAIT!

Here’s another pic I took with my old Cybershot, which I still have and refuse to throw out even though it doesn’t work anymore:

And another:

I don’t know what it is about that brand of camera, but I just love it, it’s like this amazing tool to me, and I’m so excited about my new one maybe being here tomorrow that I just can’t sleep.

I’m also hoping it’ll take better pictures of my paintings than our PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT FROM HELL Rebel. Have I mentioned that I hate that fucking thing? Because I do. Immensely.

Of course, the package that Blake’s going to pick up tomorrow may not even be the camera at all (truthfully, it probably isn’t) and I’m getting excited for no reason, but still, my creative juices are flowing and my head is flooded with images that I wish I could turn into reality right this second. I thought about sketching them, but I figured they were probably best left in my head for now.

Well the drugs are kicking in, I’m going to go make another attempt at sleeping and dream up more shots.

(X-Posted to Live Journal, although the Technorati links are different. Favourite them both!)

I just do.

Anyway, I’ve made a decision. I’m not going to do anymore video blogs and I’ll tell you why. Something I’ve noticed about my own YouTube habits is that, after about 5 video blogs from the same person, I kinda get tired of hearing them talk about whatever they’re talking about. I may get obsessed with a certain video blogger and watch every video they’ve done in one sitting, but even then, after 5 more new ones, I get tired of them and move on.

Sooooo, I’ve done 5 video blogs and I think that’s enough, 5’s a good number. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m done making videos period, it just means that I’m no longer going to be talking about my life & shit on video because really, it’s not all that interesting or different from what everybody else is doing and I’d prefer to write that stuff anyway.

So, for future reference, the 5 video blogs I’ve done so far are forever (yeah right) archived over there (—————–>) under the heading “Hey Guys, Um…“.

What am I gonna do next? Well I’ve got some ideas, but we’ll see what happens. Right now I’m just basking in the glory of the fact that my roof is no longer leaky and I have a whole room to do whatever I want to do with it.

Virginia Woolf knew her shit, man.

Know what I hate? Facebook.

And now it’s bedtime.

Fun Fact: I have this theory that if one can live a karmically neutral life, at the end of it rather than reincarnating, your energy just dissipates into nothingness. Personally, that’s what I’m going for.

So this afternoon I had a shower, put real clothes on (as opposed to PJs) and even a little bit of makeup and then I sat here for like, 3 hours trying to make a video blog using iMovie and my iSight. Well…I’m just not a vlogger, I don’t think. Moving video of myself, to me, is just the absolute fucking creepiest thing and I can’t stand it. I haven’t given up on the idea of making at least one video blog for shits, giggles & sheer posterity (eventually), but using iMovie with the preview window & all, just isn’t the way to go about it, I’ve decided.

I’m not sure if anyone’s been paying attention, but I’m kinda in the process of seriously re-evaluating and reorganizing my life and this site and the internet in general is a really big part of that. I didn’t do a big New Year’s post because I don’t do the resolution thing as a rule, and new years don’t mean a whole lot to me because, like a lot of people, I’m still just a big kid and the “new year” starts in Sept., ends in June and summer is just this period of awesomeness that’s outside of the calendar year. I’ll know I’m a grown-up when suddenly January means something to me.

I can’t even really say that I’m working on any particular goals, outside of NOT going nuts and ending up in the hospital again this winter, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how life is going to change around me pretty hardcore in the next year and what opportunities & pitfalls that’s going to create.

Wes, my youngest, is turning 4 in a couple of weeks, which means that he’s going to be starting junior kindergarten in the fall. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have immense issues surrounding this fact, not because of the whole “my baby’s leaving me” thing but because of how it’s going to change the structure of my day and routine in general, as well as the pressure I’m feeling because when your youngest starts kindergarten, usually women go back to work or school or find a job or something and that’s basically what society expects people to do.

But that’s not what I want to do and half my problem is that I don’t really even KNOW what I want to do yet, beyond the shit I already do. :| All I know is that (among other things) I’ve got $32,000 worth of student loans that aren’t going to go away and I can’t stay on interest relief forever, so come September, some decisions are going to have to be made.

I guess I’m a grown-up afterall. When the fuck did that happen? :(

Despite all this personal upheaval and mental junk I’ve been sifting through, there are a lot of things I’m looking forward to once days become mine again and a lot of things I’m attempting to work towards in the meantime, but at this point are mostly tentative. Right now I’m trying to get Sunnyland set up as a legitimate business. What kind of business, I’m not entirely sure yet, but hopefully one that makes more than the $15/month the bank’s charging me for a business account. I know I definitely want to make ‘zines again, I know I want to do something with Lulu.com eventually (have a few projects in mind), I want to set up my studio more as an actual studio where I can paint and cam and write and create and actually be somewhat productive, as opposed to it just being “the smoking lounge” with the leaky roof where we watch TV when people come over.

With the roof being fixed in the spring, this is all possible. When the teacup wall is complete, I can move the smoking lounge outside where it belongs. When Wes starts school, I can explore and do a lot of things I just can’t do now.

One of the things I’m really interested in is the town I live in because in some ways, it is so ass-backwards I can’t even believe it exists, let alone the fact that I live here. For months I’ve been trying to figure out a safe way to explore and add that dimension to things online, but I keep getting caught on both logistics, ethics and overal safety. I mean…is it really a good idea to blog about the town I live in? Especially when it’s teeny tiny, gossipy as all hell and the internet’s full of creepy stalker types? I’m not sure, but it’s something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to recently. The world I live in, the one in my head, the one inside my computer (which are mostly one in the same), it’s all very contrast to the environment in which I live and there’s a part of me that gets a really big kick out of that…but it could be ruined pretty easily if I exploit it creatively, so I’m trying to think and plan carefully.

I dunno, my mind’s just a jumble of plans and ideas these days, which is both worrisome and reassuring, but at least I feel as though I’m on a path to somewhere.

Basically? Just bear with me while I get my shit together, I’m workin’ on it.