March 10, 2015

Teef.

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January 26, 2015

Shrinkage

Hi.

I have to see my new shrink in 3 hours, which means we have to leave in a little less than 2 hours and I’m not sure if that’s enough time to fit in everything on my mind but I’ll do my best.

At my last shrink visit, we discussed getting me off of the Loxapine, which is an anti-psychotic I’ve been using to sleep for about 3 years that’s apparently not only not that fantastic for your liver but one of its side effects is this neurological issue called Akathisia which is the inability to sit still, pretty much. It sounds really dumb, but on a scale of “excruciating” to “dear god just please kill me”, with pancreatitis at the high end and endometriosis and childbirth at the low end, Akathisia would actually be closer to pancreatitis. It’s not painful, per se, but it’s almost like there’s high voltage electricity inside you, like physical calories, that can only come out or be expressed through your arms and legs by jumping jacks or running on the spot or just finally, because you’re completely exhausted and should have been asleep hours ago, plain old continuous contortion in the dark in your bed while you cry and feel guilty for keeping your husband awake (or hating him for being asleep). The only thing that we found consistently worked was me overloading on sleep meds (which we had no idea were causing this in the first place) and having Blake drive me around the beach until I fell asleep, like a baby. These episodes would begin shortly after I took my sleep meds (but again, we never made the connection) at about 7pm and would continue until I passed out around midnight. Which really fucking sucks when you work in 4 or 5 hours. This had been happening, mostly in the warm months, about once every 2 weeks or so since I started taking this stuff and I never knew what was happening. The sensation of this “electricity” is a lot like when your foot falls asleep and in waking up, AFTER the pins & needles phase, the one right after that where if someone were to touch your foot you’d punch them right in the fucking face. You know the one. It’s shocking, right? Almost painful but not? I dunno how to describe it other wise but it’s like a constant pressure of that and the need to relieve it. So hard to explain and I am so happy that my new shrink connected the dots on that one so hopefully now that I’m not taking the drug anymore it won’t happen any more. It hasn’t so far and it’s been like, 2 months.

Something else I thought of while writing this is that I didn’t experience acute Akathisia as often this summer/fall as I did the previous year and I think that’s because this summer/fall, I changed my routine so I don’t take my sleep meds Fri/Sat/Sun and I stay up until between 3am-never making art and hanging out with some of my cyberpals in a top secret location. It would make sense that since I started taking less of it, the issue didn’t happen as often.

I’m so annoyed I didn’t catch this myself because I’m usually really proactive about researching the meds I take and I know I looked Loxapine up when I was first prescribed it but nothing bad happened right away so I just never put two and two together. I never  told any doctors about these episodes because they were simply so bizarre and indescribable and FLUKEY that I was convinced either “this is not a chronic thing and it’ll just go away” (lie) or if I tried to describe it to a doctor they wouldn’t take me seriously.

Stopping the meds should make the symptoms disappear, although in some cases it can take years for it to stop completely. I’m pretty confident that I’m done with it though. Not worried. Now I’m taking Trazodone to sleep instead and so far everything’s been a-okay.

Next thing on the list to discuss with my shrink is getting me the FUCK off Cipralex because, while I’m actually pretty happy and it’s good stuff, I’ve only had *maybe* 3 orgasms in the last 8-9 MONTHS, which is starting to drive even me, the sexlesss wonder, absolutely crazy so it’s time to find something new that doesn’t break my clit. I was told to give it 6 months for the side effects to go away and it’s been long enough, this is not just gonna go away.

Speaking of genitals, I had my pap smear a few months ago and told the nurse who did it that my endo is starting to become a problem again (yay, right? of course it is…) and since I now have a mesh in my stomach holding everything together, I can no longer safely have laparoscopic surgery and I’m not willing to have a hysterectomy, so my options now are painkillers and taking the birth control pill continuously so I don’t have any periods anymore. She understood as she had endo and went the hysterectomy route and from experience, she agreed with all of my reasons for being against it at 35. She left a note for my doctor about a prescription for birth control and he called it in the next day, Blake picked it up and I started taking it. It’s Tri-Cyclen Lo 28, but the first thing I did was ditch the sugar pills because I didn’t want to accidentally take any of them and long story short I’ve either been spotting, full on bleeding or leaking brown tissue and fluid since I started taking this shit so I need to see him pronto to get me on something else. I don’t think the nurse fully explained in her note what I was doing or why I was doing it because if she would have, I’m pretty sure he would have put me on something different. I think these pills are like, baby birth control pills for teenagers. I really wanted to ask my doctor for Marvelon 21 because that’s what I was on before and it did the job of keeping my periods at bay (not pain-free but period-free most of the time), but then I read this page about it and now I don’t think it’s a  good idea. I’m 35 and I have had a blood clot (when I was sick, I had a clot in a vein in my spleen – god it is so gross knowing that *shudder*) and I don’t smoke cigarettes but I do smoke weed obviously and I’m not sure if that’s the same thing as far as clots are concerned. I just need something that’ll stop my period and not kill me, kthnx.

I need all this shit figured out pronto! Because! Dammit! I wanna get laid in San Francisco! There’s this stuff you can get in California called “Foria“, which is weed spray for your pussy and I plan on shelling out seventy-nine American dollars to be sorely disappointed haha BUT! It’s for science! And I’m on holiday! So whatever! Truthfully, I’m skeptical about it for myself because as I’ve explained before, eating or vaping weed doesn’t do anything to me so I’m not totally convinced it’ll work subdermally either, but hey! Cool if it does! And if it doesn’t, I’m sure if I leave it in SF, Steph will put it to good use. :o)

Well, I guess I better go get ready to see my shrink. Peace out, homies!

April 14, 2014

Too old to die young.

Friday I saw my shrink. My shrink who is retiring in August. She thinks I’m depressed and that this is probably not a life phase and maybe my B12 is deficient (which she only thought of because I’m a moron and mentioned it without thinking and now I have to have another blood test) and I should be taking iron (nothnx) or eating more meat (just can’t). She prescribed an anti-depressant called cipralex which I started last night. I’m in a pretty good mood today but I don’t think the drug would work that fast, especially not at such a low dose (it’s so low they don’t even make pills that small, I have to cut them in half). It’s probably because it’s spring and I’ve had/am having a good weekend and [REDACTED] [REDACTEDED] on Game of Thrones last night and also Mad Men started but I haven’t watched that yet because I wanted to get my weekend down “on paper” before my fuzzy goldfish brain forgot crucial details. Oh and the strain of cannabis I have right now is working EXTREMELY well. Like, I’ve been eating every single day since having it. I just ordered 90 more grams of the stuff because I’m afraid they’ll run out (they do that….it sucks….it’s a new system and a new company, it’ll get better….)

Writing at Froth on Friday after my shrink appointment was a bust. We got there around 4:20pm and there was a sign on the door that said they were closing at 5pm for a private function. This put Blake and me in a crapola mood but we went to Fran’s in Barrie (45+ minutes away from where we were) which is a chain diner that’s open 24 hours (except ours isn’t, it’s just open late) anyway because we’d scouted it out as a potential writing place the Friday before and had planned on trying to write there at some point.

Fran’s was yes & no. I had issues with Fran’s food this time around. I ordered the chicken club, which I’ve ordered before, and there was a bucket of mayo on it on all sides of the inside of the sandwich, which is three pieces of bread if you’ve never had a club. As I’ve explained before, I like mayo and I did ask for mayo, but lots of mayo makes me feel sick just looking at it. I ate 1/4 of the sandwich and just couldn’t do it and the fries were stupidly salty and the gravy no good. This put me in a crappier mood because honestly, I was hungry and this shouldn’t have been difficult. I cried a little (luckily we were in a booth). Blake told me I could order something else but we are so fucking broke right now that this was going to be our last excursion until next paycheque and that just made me feel guilty so I just ordered the soup of the day, which was mushroom, because it was only $3.99 and when the waiter inquired as to why this was happening, Blake just told him the sandwich was not good. This was like sending something back, which I’ve never done before in my life and I was not comfortable with in the slightest and the unfortunate thing was that the soup was pretty terrible too. I ate about half of it just to be polite to the chef since I felt bad for “sending back” the sandwich which was truly difficult for me to do but that was how awful I felt about the sandwich.

After the waiter took away the soup, we got refills on our drinks and set up our writing devices (my laptop/his Surface tablet). Fran’s doesn’t have wifi so we used my phone as a hotspot because we had to access our Sky/One Drives and I’m not sure how long we stayed before the waiter told us “no hurry” but presented us with the bill and didn’t offer to give us any more refills. We decided t0 leave and they didn’t charge us for the sandwich. I’m not sure how good it was for Blake as far as productivity but after the food fiasco was over with, I didn’t write anything but I did read about Allen Ginsberg, Lucien Carr, Neal Cassady and William S. Burroughs on Wikipedia (not done with the latter) and I was in full on sponge mode which I find difficult to do when Blake’s home for some reason. I just don’t like being online when Blake’s hanging out in my office but I don’t want him to not hang out in my office either so Fran’s worked well. If there is a next time (up to Blake, I can work there), I’m going to stick to breakfast foods. It’s pretty rare that a restaurant will fuck up peameal and eggs, in my experience.

After Fran’s we came home and watched the movie Immortal Beloved, which was recommended by Anne Rice and it was an okay movie but I didn’t find it anywhere near as inspiring as she said it was to her, so I think I ended up just going to bed afterward.

Saturday morning I woke up and Blake and I tried to watch Amadeus, also recommended by Anne Rice and I think I made it about half an hour in before I knew there was no way I could commit to 3 hours of that.

Stupidly I relied on those two movies to carry me through inspirationally until my books got here from Amazon (hopefully today) and with that plan falling through completely I felt totally dejected. Not good on a Saturday when I have to work my marathon shift and I spent the last hour of freedom before work crying because work is the last thing I wanted to do. This is definitely a depression thing, mixed with a constantly feeling weak or sick thing, with a little bit of just being plain ol’ burnt out because I haven’t really felt like I’ve had a chance to recharge my mental batteries in a long time. My last good creative idea, based on inspiration, was in November and it was only a little one.

Also on Saturday, making things worse, Blake and Madison were going to see Courage My Love in Barrie and Nicole would be there (because she manages the band), who I’ve only seen once since moving here.

When I logged into work at 2pm, my coworker and buddy whose shift overlaps mine by an hour, asked how I was and I was honest with her. And because she is probably the most positive, sunshiniest outlook person I know she was like, “I can cover you if you want to go see your friend” and I was thankful but she could only cover me for 2 hours and that wouldn’t work with everyone else’s plans. That’s when I remembered that one of my other coworkers technically owed me 2 hours because I covered for her last week so I texted her and asked if she could help me out and she said yes despite the fact that it was super short notice, which meant that I had the last 4 hours of my shift covered and that was the perfect amount of time to throw on a pair of jeans and some lipstick and go to the rock & roll show with Blake and Madison (and Madison’s friend) and Nicole.

This is Courage My Love:

They’re supernaturally talented 20 year old twins and a dude named Brandon and they put on a really good performance with their “bring the guitar” boxes to jump around on, as Blake calls them. They’re playing Warped Tour this summer so if you’re going , check them out!

It was a rock show so it was hard to really talk to Nicole but it was still good to see her and at the end of the night when it was time to leave, I cried. I miss her. And afterward I was thinking about how, before Blake and I were together and I was in a long distance relationship with Chris, Nicole and I used to spend hours on the phone together shooting the shit and writing song lyrics and song lyrics are a lot like poems so if I’m capable of that – or was at one point – then poetry shouldn’t be this giant mystery to me.

Truthfully, I think the biggest creative obstacle I have right now is that I don’t feel like I have anything to say. Or I do but I either don’t know how to best express it (if at all) or I can’t express it at all due to outside factors. At least not publicly. Blake would say to just get it out, but things are still percolating and I can’t. The other thing, and I said this to my shrink, is that I need to get out and experience more and get out of my comfort zone, which is also partially why I decided to go to the Courage My Love show. It’s also why Sunday happened.

So Sunday morning Blake and Wes went to swimming and when they came back, Wes paid me the money he owes me, which meant I had enough money to take Blake and myself out for breakfast at Cora’s. Cora’s is good because it’s not super expensive (under $30 with tip)  and I like their bacon because it’s the least fatty bacon that isn’t peameal that I’ve ever had. They don’t fuck up my eggs. I like their french bread type toast. And they also serve everything with fresh fruit art that I find that very appealing because apparently my hunger brain is 5 years old. Their chicken salad sandwich is pretty good too. I still think crepes are kinda gross.

After Cora’s we just came home and we started watching the movie Howl, which is about the obscenity trial surrounding Allen Ginsberg’s book of the same title. I thought it was great except for James Franco, who played Ginsberg. His overacting was terrible and they gave him too modern of a haircut for the role. I didn’t care about finishing it but Blake wanted to. While we watched the rest of the movie, I started making plans with our friend Steph (the Geek), who was in Toronto from California (but she’s Canadian – we’re all so very complicated) because of a Bitcoin conference, but things ended earlier than she expected on Sunday so there was time to meet up and hang out, something we hadn’t done since like…uh…Vegas, August of 2005. (Her wedding doesn’t count, I only got to talk to her for maybe 10 minutes total.)  We decided to go to Vapor Central, which is, if you hadn’t guessed, a vapor lounge in downtown Toronto that I’ve been wanting to go to for a long time and this was a good opportunity to do so because Blake doesn’t smoke weed and would be driving anyway (and I would feel weird vaping alone) and the city freaks me out. I figured a Sunday would probably be a mellow day to go, especially since we couldn’t get there until 6pm, and Steph said she was available then so it all just kinda fell into place. Also, I haven’t smoked weed with another human being since our anniversary party almost 2 years ago and never with Steph, who I figured would be a good Sunday stoner buddy (I was correct in that assumption).

So we get down to the city and we find a cheap municipal parking lot just down the street a few blocks from Vapor Central – score! And on our way down the street to Vapor Central, we passed what looked like a pretty decent pizza place that I took mental note of because – and I only realized this recently – I’m constantly in search of the world’s best slice of pizza. So far the pizza place (that I don’t know the name of) that we ordered from all the time in NY beats everything by a mile no contest, even Stouffville Pizza (that’s 2nd best) but I don’t live in NY so that’s not exactly an option for me. I’m straying from the story…

…we get to the vapor lounge and you go up these stairs because it’s on the 2nd floor of a building and we’re greeted by a wall of haze and the familiar smell of vapor which kinda smells like toasted nuts or maybe popcorn a little bit or maybe a little bit woody. It tastes exactly the way it smells (which is better than smoke). I know this because Blake bought me a personal vaporizer (Magic Flight Launch Box) for Xmas and it just didn’t do anything for me so I gave it to my friend after 3 or 4 days of correct usage with little to no result. Pretty much the entire reason we wanted to go to the vapor lounge was because they have Volcano vaporizers which are, as Steph said, “the Cadillac of vaporizers”. They’re $700 tabletop vaporizers that work by filling up a big plastic bag with cannabis vapor that you “sip” out of a special mouthpiece that allows the vapor to remain in the bag until you inhale it. The benefit to vaping is that you use WAY less weed and it’s a lot healthier because you’re not breathing smoke into your lungs. Since the personal vaporizer didn’t do anything for me, I always wondered if it was the vaporizer or me, like maybe I was immune to vaping. That’s why I wanted to try a Volcano because if a Volcano didn’t work for me, then no vaporizer would and I should just give up on the idea.

Vapor Central charges you a $5 membership day fee to get in and that gives you access to the lounge, which is full of couches and tables with a Volcano for each seating arrangement, and I think they’re supposed to charge us for the Volcano bags/mouthpiece/reservoir but they didn’t. They just made Blake give them his licence until he returned it all.

The girl who was at the desk when we first walked in was incapable of dealing with new customers because she was so completely adorably blitzed out of her mind so she sent someone else over to help us. She explained everything I said above (but also explained that there were bongs in the back that we were allowed to use, which surprised me and then I looked around and noticed that some people were smoking so I guess that’s okay there) and took our membership fees and then we went through a turnstile into the lounge. Everyone was mostly at the front of the space, where the couches are, watching a movie on the TVs that are around the room. In the back of the lounge, there are cafe-style tables so we grabbed one of those with 4 seats and waited for Steph.

Steph got there and the first order of business was to figure out how to use the Volcano on the table. Steph had only used one once so she didn’t know either, so Blake found a guy to show us how it’s done and it’s really very simple and off we went on the first bag.

It was good catching up with Steph. She’s gone through a lot of crazy shit in the last little while and I was relieved to find out that things are starting to look up. Also despite all the crap that’s been hurled at her by life in general she’s still the same Steph she’s always been and that was reassuring. Since I hadn’t seen her in so long I was worried that we wouldn’t have anything to talk about, which is so dumb because Steph is one of the most interesting people I know and she’s also one of the most extroverted introverts I know so catching up with her was like nothing, like no time had passed. Just easy conversation.

Over the course of an hour, Steph and I shared 5 or 6 Volcano bags worth of vapor, with me inhaling 3/4 of it and with pausing in between to talk and stuff and I would say that I got as medicated as I would have been with one of my bong’s bowls worth of weed except I used a little more than a thimble’s worth. I didn’t get stoned, that wasn’t the goal, but I got to a good place where I wasn’t freaked out to be in the city in a room full of strangers, I didn’t feel sick and I actually got hungry (thanks to this strain I’ve been using). So vaping obviously works on me and the Magic Flight Launch Box not working on me is simply that my tolerance is way too high for it. Even with the Volcano, I felt like staying medicated with it would be a full-time job. At the same time, I’m a person with a lot of free time and nowhere to be so if I vaped most of the time and only smoked joints or brought my bong with me places, I would use so much less weed so who cares?

At about 8pm, we walked down the street to that pizza place where I got a slice of (pretty decent but not the greatest but better than a chain – actually it could have been a city-wide chain, I have no idea)  pepperoni and a Diet Coke and that’s where we left Steph and headed toward the parking garage.

On the way home Blake and I were talking about the experience and now our interest is two-fold because he thinks it would be a good idea for us to hang out there for a day and use the Volcano as if I were at home using it, just to see how much a day’s worth of weed would be with one (I smoke 2.5g/day at the moment and I’d guess vaping would be 1/4 of that or less) and I want to hang out there again because I think I can write there. And Blake said maybe he could write there too. AND even with parking and gas and refreshments (a cold can of Diet Coke is $1), it cost us less than going to Fran’s or Froth and personally I liked the experience and atmosphere better. Plus I think you get in and out privileges with your daily $5 membership fee and there are a billion food places around the lounge that are better and cheaper  than here. There’s a falafel place pretty much right across the road. I’m not totally sure what a  falafel is but maybe I’d like one and maybe it’ll be my new favourite thing. WHO KNOWS? We’ll be in Toronto, the gastro-adventure and writing possibilities are limitless! And even if I don’t like falafel, maybe falafel is awful, at least there’s decent pizza down the street, which is more than I can say for our town, the next town over AND the town next to that.  This Sunday is 4/20 so it would be dumb to go then, but maybe the Sunday after that.

After we came home, I watched the first half of Game of Thrones but I accidentally took my sleeping pills when I took my meds after we left Steph so I couldn’t watch the 2nd half. Blake paused it to tuck me in (because yes he does that, every single night and every single morning if I go to sleep after work and he’s home) and I said something like, “yeah I doubt anything interesting’s going to happen in the 2nd half of the 2nd episode of the season…” and Blake, who has read the books, was like, “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” so I made him tell me what was going to happen to whom and how and I almost forced myself to get back up and watch the rest because HELLO, but I was too tired and figured it’d still be on the DVR in the morning. It was and it was so spectacularly gruesome that I was practically applauding by myself at 9am.

And then basically I sat down to write this post but the hydro went out in our whole town so not only did I not finish this post before Blake got home (it is currently 6:20pm), I didn’t get to see the premiere of Mad Men, but Blake’s making me macaroni and cheese for dinner and my plan is to watch while I eat. In other news, I got both books and pornstar money in the mail today so I guess you could say that the last 2 & a half days half been pretty great. Hopefully the rest of the week will be as well.

February 27, 2014

I’d like to thank The Academy…

I’m probably the only person who’s going to care about the following. Others may care and will be thinking, “Sunny, you n00b idiot!” Whatever. I’m AMAZED.

Tomorrow is the eve of my birth and in celebration, some friends are coming over to play euchre cuz I’m (almost) old now and this is what old people do on Friday nights. This will be party #1 because I have to work all day Saturday, until my actual birthday is almost over. More on party #2 later.

In preparation for tomorrow night’s festivities, I have rolled birthday cake flavoured joints (that were soooooo fun to roll with my little rolling machine thing, it’s like arts & crafts!) more because I could than anything else. The papers exist. I had ’em. Realistically they’ll probably end up in my purse to be smoked on the go at a later date because joints aren’t really my thing. Truthfully there are only two shitty things I’ve found about weed so far: 1. I can’t drive medicated. (Having said that, I shouldn’t have been driving on some of the stuff I was on prior to weed either.) 2. I have to smoke it or it doesn’t work. Eating it doesn’t work. I’ve had zero success vaporizing. Smoking it is. And a joint is probably the 2nd worst way to smoke it, only second to a blunt (I would assume, I just figure cigar wrapper is more junk in your lungs than a super thin rolling paper). Some people enjoy smoking, I do not. So I want to do it the easiest and least harsh way possible, so that’s why I use a glass bong. It’s still unpleasant but at least you don’t want to expel your lungs (necessarily – everyone/strain’s different) during the process. I still cough even with the bong because I suck at smoking weed, but at least the whole thing’s over in 3 rips and you can get on with your day, meanwhile it takes me a thousand years to smoke a joint and I’m hating every single second of it.

By the way, I’m writing this post mostly for people who don’t regularly smoke weed, which I’m assuming is the majority of the people reading this based on my completely scientific research a while back on whether or not people could name strains.

Anyway, we told our guests to be here “sometime after 6pm” tomorrow and I plan on staying up pretty late, so I’m not sure how long they’ll be staying (overnight is always a possibility, we can sleep 7 extra people in our tiny little house), but what that does mean is that I’m going to be medicating, with my bong, in front of people, in a well-lit kitchen for what’ll be a pretty long time. And this brings us to the bane of my existence: resin. Resin is sticky brown shit that is a byproduct of combusting or heating cannabis and it coats the inside of  your bong, is totally gross (but some people re-smoke it, which I think is also gross) and is a total pain in the ass to remove from basically anything. It’s unavoidable.

It wouldn’t be classy to have a dirty bong sitting on the kitchen table while we play cards and I would be a bad hostess if my guests brought their own legal herb to smoke and all I had to offer them was dirty glass.  But the thing is, cleaning resin off glass is a total bitch project to the point where a shocking amount of the stoners I know will buy NEW glass rather than clean their old glass. I only have a small glass pipe and the bong and the pipe’s used so infrequently it’s still preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty much clean so all I had to do was the bong. Like I said though, it sucks to do – at least I *thought* it did – and requires the bong to be out of commission at least a day and overnight, sometimes longer, so it hadn’t been done in a long time. It wasn’t super gross by MY standards? Or if I knew I would be the only one smoking and we were playing cards in my office where it’s darker I probably wouldn’t have bothered cleaning it, but since I didn’t know if I’d be “going alone” (ha!) and we’d be playing in my pristine (thanks to my loving children) kitchen, I figured I’d better clean the bong.

When we went to Liquid Chrome on whatever day it was when I bought all those papers, I also picked up this stuff called Purple Power, which is a cleaner I’ve always used for my glass. That’s specifically what it’s meant for. The problem though, is that to clean a bong with it, it’s usually a 48 hour process involving a lot of really annoying agitation of the cleaner every time you walk into the kitchen, and then some, to re-soak and rinse the parts that can’t be directly covered by the cleaner itself, like the shaft and the perc, because you can’t really get at the inside of a bong any other way.

All week I’ve been dreading this project so I put it off until after my first bowl this morning, aka the last possible minute for the Purple Power to work by the time our guests got here tomorrow. As per usual, I put the stem and the bowl in a plastic container, covered them both (mostly) with Purple Power and put the lid on. Then I swirled the cleaner around for about 3 minutes making zero progress and then I remembered something. Blake had found 99% rubbing alcohol to use as an aftershave, which has been long rumoured to be an excellent cleaner of bongs and as I recalled, a few weeks ago he said I could use it as long as I left him some. Honestly the reason I never tried this before was because I truly thought 99% rubbing alcohol was a banned substance in this country since I’d only ever seen 70% before. I assumed there was a reason for that and knew that 70% wouldn’t work because I read my Reddits.

I poured the alcohol into the base and perc of the bong, stuffed this piece of sponge I use into the hole the stem goes into, put my hand over the top and shook with the other for about 30 seconds. Then I set it down and watched as the resin melted and slid down the glass. IT WAS ALMOST INSTANT AND SO SATISFYING. Then I poured coarse salt into both parts and shook it up for about 8-10 minutes (intermittently because my arms kept getting tired) and then it was SPARKLY CLEAN! The salt doesn’t dissolve in the alcohol, which I thought was interesting. I poured the Purple Power that the stem and bowl had been in back into its bottle (the stuff’s reusable) and while I had to soak them for about half an hour, but they came completely clean with alcohol, agitation and salt too! I will never buy Purple Power again! That shit is like, $9-11/bottle. Rubbing alcohol is like, $2. I’d be shocked if I used 5 cents worth of salt total. Sure, the alcohol’s not reusable (or maybe it is, I have no idea) but you can’t get 5 uses out of a bottle of Purple Power anyway and f0r less than an hour’s work, who the fuck cares?

See? I told you no one would care about this. But just keep it tucked in the back of your brain if you ever seriously take up pot smoking.

On Saturday, my actual birthday, like I said I have to work all day until 11pm so we’re not really doing anything. Blake’s making Mississippi Mud Pie though, which we’ll have on Sunday during party #2 with the kids and Ronny and Alex who are coming over for that reason and for possibly watching the Oscars with me, which The Academy is so graciously hosting in honour of my turning 35. I meant to watch Her today but got sidetracked and I still haven’t seen Labor Day, but other than those two I’ve seen all of the Best Picture nominations and I don’t think ANY of them are worth an Oscar. I guess the one I enjoyed the most was Dallas Buyer’s Club but that wasn’t because it was a good movie, it was because it had good actors and hopefully they’ll win their respective categories. So many people I know absolutely went crazy over Her, but I fell asleep about 10 minutes in and Blake said it wasn’t that great. Hence why I meant to watch it today.

As I’ve been typing this, crazy things have been happening. Here’s what it’s looked like here all day:

I messed up the days forgetting that there were only 28 this month. My birthday is in 1.5 days!

This morning I accidentally woke Blake up at 5am, so he went into the office early since he was working in Toronto and because he did this, he missed the *96* car pile-up that occurred directly on his route at about the time he’d normally be going through. So that happened. As I’ve been writing this, he’s been on his way home from Toronto, where he left the office at around 3:30pm. Right now it’s almost 7:30pm and he’s not home yet. Last time I checked in, he said he was 20 minutes away but in this weather that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

About half an hour ago, Madison’s boyfriend’s mother – whom I’ve never spoke to – called me and asked me if he could spend the night at our house because he lives in the beach and all roads to the beach have been closed since this afternoon so he’s stuck at the school all of his busmates with no way to get home and it’s not safe for anyone to come pick him up. Obviously, without question, I said it was fine that he stay here. I got off the phone with his mom and sent Madison to the school to pick him up not knowing when Blake would be home, called Blake just to double check he was fine with it, which he was and when I got off the phone with Blake, Ronin’s mom’s calling again saying  that apparently they’re not releasing any of the kids without an adult. I asked if it could be any adult and she said it could so I told her I’d call Blake to pick Ronin up at the school on his way home and as I did all this, I told Wes to run after Madison so she didn’t have to walk all the way to the school for no reason. He didn’t catch up with her so I told Ronin’s mom that when she called the school to tell them it’s okay for Blake to pick Ronin up, to tell them to tell Madison to stay there and wait for him too. OH CALAMITY!

And now you’re up to speed and I’ve gotta go prepare/take my pills, choke down an egg and I guess…wait….maybe I’ll see if I have enough time for Her before bed…

May 22, 2013

Babble.

Being sick changed me forever. I’m scarred. I have a bulging belly because they couldn’t fit all my guts back where they were supposed to go. It changed my face. It aged me. I can’t explain what it’s like to have to fight for your life from within your own mind because that’s what it felt like when I was in the coma. I never heard a word about the possibility of me dying. I don’t remember them asking me if I wanted to sign the “do not resuscitate” order which Blake was terrified I’d sign (I didn’t). I knew I was in big trouble though. I had a breathing tube. I remember the breathing tube. I remember the feeding tube.

I was reading about the hunger strike that’s happening at Guantanamo Bay (which you should read about too because it’s pretty crazy) where they’re force feeding the striking prisoners by strapping them to a chair 2 or 3 times a day and forcing a feeding tube up their nose and down into their stomach and they’re force feeding them. I ripped out my feeding tube at least twice that I remember. The first time was when I first woke up from the coma and was freaking out because I didn’t know where I was or what was happening and I accidentally pulled the tube out. And it really fucking hurt. Burned. Made my eyes water. And then they had to put it back in and that hurt even more and it made me gag and cry and even pray (I’m an atheist so I don’t understand that one either). The second time they had me on so many drugs that I was hallucinating and I hallucinated a monkey came and pulled out the feeding tube and then bit my nose. And they had to put the tube back through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach and I cried some more. When my mom and Blake came to visit that day I had the feeding tube taped into my nose with a band aid and they asked me what happened so I told them a monkey bit it. A Telus monkey. Y’know, to be precise.

When they feed you through a feeding tube, they literally stand on a stool with a funnel and pour liquid and what sounded/felt like crushed up pills and it’s cold. Then the crushed up pills or whatever would get stuck on the tube so they’d be squeezing it to try and make the clog smaller and feeding me was this awful half hour production 3+ times a day that I hated and really frustrated the nurses.

Lately stuff like that is coming back to me. I’d forgotten most of it. My shrink says my mind would only let me remember if I could handle it and I am handling it but it’s difficult.

So that’s pretty much constantly on my mind.

I can’t paint because there’s no room in here to make anything new and Blake wants to put most of my stuff in storage so we have a better shot at selling our house (my entire office is pretty much clutter to the naked eye, but to the trained eye, it is perfectly organized). Putting my stuff in storage is really fucking with me. Part of the reason I don’t leave the house is because I can’t take all my stuff with me. I carry a huge bag full of all kinds of essentials whenever I leave the house because you never know what you might need. But like, putting my art stuff in storage….what if I get inspired to paint? I guess I won’t put my sketchbook in storage. At least then I won’t lose the ideas completely, just the motivation.

I’m terrified of moving. I just got used to living here and now we have to go somewhere else. Well, we don’t “have” to but our house is too small for the 7 of us, if you include the pets. I need a room alone just for my books that are on shelves everywhere, piled two or three books deep.

The school system in this county is abysmal. I bet half the graduates of Elmvale’s high school don’t even know what that word means and I’m not saying that to be mean, I’m saying that to be truthful. I know I talked about this “somewhere” but I forget if it was on Facebook or Live Journal or Camwhores but Wes is in grade 4 and he’s never been asked to read a book. He’s never done a book report. They don’t read in class. Honestly I don’t even know what they do. Madison’s in grade 9. Just this year she was asked to read To Kill a Mockingbird (which she loved) and to choose a book for her independent study unit. She chose The Bloggess’ book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (which she also loved but was horrified when I said she should e-mail Jenny and tell her). So in 11 years of schooling, Madison’s been assigned to read 2 books. Don’t you think that’s a little fucked up? They ask them to do all kinds of creative writing but how can you write WELL if you don’t also read? There’s more, but basically the two schools in this town work in tandem to create McEmployees and we want better for our kids. The high school they’d be going to where we want to move is pretty good.

I’m nervous about living in the same town as my mom. I love my mom and my mom loves me but she doesn’t understand me or my life. She doesn’t understand that I don’t answer the phone most of the time even when I know who it is. She doesn’t understand that sometimes, because of the chemicals in my brain, I go for weeks without seeing anyone but my immediate family. I hate surprises. I don’t answer the door unless I know who it is in advance so surprises are not a good thing. I can just see my mom trying to “fix” me and then getting mad at me when her efforts fail, like it’s something I can control. She sort of understands that I have a disease but she doesn’t understand the disease or in my case, the cluster of disease and disorder.

I’m just learning how to leave the house by myself. I’m just learning how to drive again. Moving means starting all over. I’m also scared about losing my shrink. I really love my shrink. We’ll be moving outside of her area so I’ll have to find another one and I’m scared I won’t be able to find one as brilliant as her. I don’t think there’s a fancy mental health centre near where we’re moving. Not like the one near us now. The next biggest town I can think of in that area is bigger than Midland so their mental health centre won’t be as small and personal with all the resources I have now. Of course this is all assumption but my mental health centre is the gold standard and I am absolutely terrified of having to start over. This could literally set me back years. The good news is that I can probably go back to my old family doctor, the bad news is that he’ll probably be retiring soon.

Also my doctor here, the hospital here, the pharmacy here; they all know me. They know why (usually) I’m at the hospital. The pharmacy talks to my doctors more than I do. Getting a pharmacy to request a new rx of hydromorph contin via FAX to a doctor who’s only met me maybe 10 times but my chart’s pretty thorough because I *say* I’m having a pancreatic attack (which I was and do, but I could just as easily be a drug seeker) is next to unheard of. That’s MORPHINE! So I dunno what I’m going to have to do to get all our ducks in a row for the care and maintenance of me. And I’m scared.

I’m also scared our dogs will get out of a strange yard they don’t know and we don’t know and get hit by a car or lost because they don’t know where they live. I’m not so much worried about Lucky in this respect because of that time….ugh I’ll just tell the story again for any new people. My shrink when I first met her, suggested I get a “support animal” to help me get out of the house more. A dog I could walk and I could train to sense when I was about to have a panic attack etc etc etc mental health support animals are a real thing. So I sell a painting for $250 which was exactly enough, almost to the penny, to get Lucky from the SPCA with all of his shots up to date and neutered. The only issue with him was that he had/has anxiety separation but since I’m home all day, that shouldn’t be so much of a problem.

So we got him on a Saturday and that Monday I walked him to the grocery store, tied him up outside on the cart corral and went inside to buy him Milkbones. So I did. And when I came out he was gone, he’d slipped his collar. So I freak out completely, call Blake, Blake says he’s on his way home. I’m having an absolute meltdown but what choice did I have so I started walking home and calling Lucky the whole way. I get to just before our driveway and something catches my eye. I see Lucky looking at me from BEHIND our gate to the backyard. Not only did he run home, but he got into the yard and to this day we still don’t know how he did that.

So I’m not so much worried about Lucky getting lost if they don’t go very far, I’m worried about them getting separated because they’re both very curious and Lucky will follow Hoover but not the other way around so then both of might get lost without even each other. :o(

And as much as I loathe the school system here, it really makes me sad that we’ll be splitting Wes up from the girl he’s claimed since Junior Kindergarten that he was going to marry.

I really really don’t want to move, I don’t want the hassle, the disruption, the chaos, the bullshit, but we really really really have to.

So that’s what’s on my mind. Being sick. The ramifications of being sick and practically kissing death. Moving. I see my shrink tomorrow I think.

PS. At the beginning of this month I passed the 2 year milestone of being a non-smoker.

PPS. I kinda hit another milestone at the beginning of this month. It was a nice evening and Brian said it was good for sitting on porches and playing guitars. So Blake and I went to Brian’s house and Brian said to Blake, “where’s your guitar?” and Blake, not thinking he was serious, didn’t bring his. So I stayed and sat on Brian’s porch while Blake went home to get him guitar. This is a milestone in that I have not been alone with another person who I’m not related to in a VERY long time. I have a fear of one-on-one interaction with just about everyone who’s never been to my house. And there’s still certain people who have been to my house who I wouldn’t want to be alone with. I won’t even be alone with my own support worker or shrink. But Brian is just so non-threatening that it was pretty much a non-issue. I don’t think I could like, go out for lunch with Brian by myself at this point but I was alone with him for about 10 minutes and nothing bad happened so that was good. Here’s a video from that night. Sorry about the vertical video, that’s just how my phone does it:

April 8, 2013

One.

I have a lot to post about today so this is post one of the three posts I have planned. If I don’t get to all of them today, then I’ll finish them tomorrow. I actually slept pretty hard and didn’t wake up until 11:30am and it’s now 1:10pm so I’ve kinda wasted half my day. So I guess we’ll see how it goes.

Yesterday we went to Beaverton, where my mom lives, to look at a house we thought we might purchase. It’s this one. It had enough rooms for us, in fact it had an extra room even and it had a pool, which could be a plus or minus. It was also just down the street from my mom. And a lady killed herself in the living room, so it’s been tough to sell it so we thought we might be able to t alk the price down quite a bit based on that.

Our real estate agent talked to the lady who’s selling it, because it’s a private sale, and she said she’s firm on $280k which is out of our price range, however, our real estate agent told us to look up this one and in doing so, we’ve decided it’s pretty perfect and Blake’s e-mailed our real estate agent to set up a time we can go see it.

Originally we were going to wait until Madison was out of high school and Wes would be just entering high school to move but I’m pretty fed up with the poor excuse of an education both kids are getting here and I want them in Durham Region (we’re in Simcoe County – totally separate school districts) as soon as humanly possible. I’m not saying Durham Region is the cat’s ass or anything, but it’s where I went and I’d like to think that I’m not exactly a dummy. I mean, Madison just finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird for her English class and it is LITERALLY THE FIRST BOOK SHE’S EVER BEEN REQUIRED TO READ FOR SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! And she’s in grade NINE!!!!! And worse? It is literally the only book she’s GOING to be reading this year for that class! Can you fucking believe that? What a goddamn joke! Wes is in grade 4 and he’s never been assigned a book to read either. Pathetic. And unacceptable. (And don’t worry, my kids read a lot of books for their own enjoyment at home so it’s not like they’re illiterate or anything.)

It’s going to take some time for us to get our house ready to sell. We need to fix up the bathroom and paint the trim on the outside of the house, as well as the outer wall to my office where there’s been some water damage from giant icicles that form there. So we have all spring to get that done and then hopefully we can put it on the market and sell it before the school year begins in September. I’m not sure if I should plant my wildflowers in the front this year in order to sell it, like if that would help, or if we should mow it and have it be a lawn. Thoughts? I think probably the lawn would be a better selling feature, but the house definitely looks better with the flowers out front. So I dunno.

After we left my mom’s, we went home via Orillia and we went to Mariposa Market and had lunch. I had a chicken pot pie, Blake had a pulled pork sandwich and the kids had super cheesy lasagna. Then Blake bought us all fresh, homemade donuts and he bought me 2 jars of dutch apple pie jam, which is my FAVOURITE and I had it on a bagel last night for dinner and again for breakfast this morning. Just look at this stuff:

Normally I think chunks of fruit in jam is gross, it reminds me of sugary boogers, but I love the apples in this stuff. The only thing not so great about it is that it also has raisins but I pick those out and give them to the dogs. I also got a small jar of strawberry jam because that’s my second favourite and theirs is really good.

So ever since I quit smoking almost 2 years ago, I’ve had dreams of smoking about once or twice a week and it seems like the more stressed out I am, the more I have these dreams and when I wake up, I’m tempted to smoke. The temptation is never strong enough for me to act on it, I do NOT want to become a smoker again, but the dreams are definitely problematic and they tell me that I’m having t rouble coping with whatever, life, whatever.

Ever since my grama got sick, I’ve been having these dreams a LOT. In fact, at Easter when we went to my mom’s, I came really really close to asking her for a cigarette (she wouldn’t have given me one, I’m pretty sure). The whole way  there in the car, I was thinking that I was getting closer and closer to something stressful but that I’d also have access to something that – in my mind – would relieve that stress (a cigarette). Obviously I didn’t ask her for one, but still, the urge was there.

So this has all been in the back of my mind for a while now, pretty much ever since I woke up from the coma, and then last week, this commercial featuring Courtney Love hits the internet:

It’s no secret that I love Courtney Love and that I am a sucker for good advertising. And this is good advertising.

Well, I started researching these e-cigs because I wanted to see how they worked and basically they work like a smoke machine that you’d see used at a concert or a theatre performance and the “smoke” that comes out of them is actually vapour from a liquid called e-liquid which is where the flavouring and the nicotine is. I didn’t want nicotine though, so when I first looked at the NJOY ones that Courtney was using, I saw that you could get the filters with no nicotine so I started googling where to find these in Canada. Well, you can’t get that brand in Canada but in my research, I found that it’s actually illegal for e-cigs in Canada to have nicotine so I thought that was pretty interesting and exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to trick my brain into thinking it was smoking, but in a way that wasn’t harmful to my body or that wouldn’t get me addicted to anything.

So I found this site, Esmoker Canada, and I ordered a starter kit for both me and Blake, who thought maybe these e-cigs would also trick his brain into thinking he was smoking and that would help his creative process and help him write because traditionally he would lock himself in a room with a pack of cigarettes and write until he was finished. Since quitting smoking, he’s had trouble writing. (Well, that and he never has any alone time.) He wanted tobacco flavour and I got strawberry and vanilla.

The e-cigs got here on Saturday and we tried them out. I liked mine pretty much immediately but Blake didn’t really like his. He said they made him feel nauseous and they hurt his throat. Through playing with mine all weekend, I’ve found that the key to them is that you treat them more like a cigar where you don’t inhale the smoke into your lungs like you would with a cigarette, but you hold it in your mouth so you can taste the flavour. Every now and then I’ll inhale the smoke to get the feeling of smoking and so far I haven’t had any smoking dreams but it’s only been 2 nights so it’s still too soon to tell if the e-cig has stopped them completely.

What mostly made me decide to try the e-cig was that…pretty soon I’m going to have to go to my grama’s wake and funeral and it’s going to be really stressful. Not only am I going to need an excuse to leave the situation every now and then, which vaping outside would provide, but almost my entire family smokes and the temptation to bum one from someone is going to be strong (and not everyone would be like my mother and say “no”). If I have the e-cig with me, I won’t want to smoke an actual cigarette.

I don’t think if you are a non-smoker or haven’t been a smoker before that you should start smoking these things (although I can’t come up with a reason as to why, honestly) but if you’re a former or current smoker, I think they’re a useful tool. A fully charged e-cig will last me a whole day and one filter will last me almost all day but I think as the novelty wears off I’ll use it less and a filter will last a whole day. Strawberry is definitely nicer than vanilla and I have cinnamon coming. One filter/cartridge is approximately $1 CDN and the site I’m buying from has free shipping so it’s a LOT less expensive than smoking.

Here’s a video of Katherine Heigl on Letterman showing how they work:

Anyway, I think they’re pretty neat and mine came in handy last night while watching the Mad Men season 6 premiere where the smoking gets ridiculous (although it wasn’t that bad in last night’s episode, but did y’all think there was a LOT of references to weed? Even Betty asked the pre-hippie people how much it cost).

The next thing I’n going to write about Mad Men is pretty spoileriffic so stop reading NOW if you haven’t seen last night’s episode yet:

So Betty goes through the trouble of going to basically a slum in NYC with a picture of Sandy, trying to find her. Then she goes into the flophouse and finds Sandy’s violin, stays all day and helps the pre-hippies make “goulash” and then the leader of the pre-hippies insults her and tells her that Sandy fled to California (or so she was hoping to do) so Betty leaves the flophouse in a huff and LEAVES THE VIOLIN IN THE FOYER? Why? What was the motivation for that? I understand the whole “not my kid, not my problem” thing but it wouldn’t have taken Betty ANY extra effort to take the violin with her, put it in her attic and save it for when/if Sandy re-emerged. The girl’s mother had died and it was implied, sort of, that the violin was attached to her somehow. Is it just because Betty’s a shitty person that she did that? I don’t get it. 

I loved seeing Lindsay Weir as Don’s latest conquest. Awesome. 

SPOILER OVER!!!

Stupid Mad Men went 15 minutes overtime, which is great, but not when you only set the DVR to have a 5 minute buffer at the end. I had to stay up until 1:30am to watch the goddamn ending. Ugh. #firstworldproblems

I think the only thing I have left to talk about in this post is my shadowbox. This is what it looks like right now, when open. I haven’t glued down the fire yet because I’m not sure what glue I’m going to use and that one fucking bulb is still not lighting up unless taped in a specific way and the electrical tape won’t stick to the box properly so I’m not sure how to fix that:

Anyway, that’s it for this post. I’ll go work on the next one. Peace oot!

PS. Hoover’s ear is fine. It’s not vasculitis, it’s actually SCAR TISSUE from a certain blonde, four-legged family member constantly chewing on it when they play.

March 14, 2013

A Message From BBDO Toronto and My Friends, The Perlorian Brothers

Posted at 7:40 pm in: Advertising , Art , Health , smoking , videos , youtube
June 20, 2011

Bonjour.

I was going to post a picture of my boobs but it occurred to me that some of you may be reading from work so I decided not to. I’ll post them on my site some other time. If that sentence confused you, it’s because I’m x-posting this to Live Journal where the action really takes place as far as comments and discussion. I’m also x-posting this to Camwhores, where there are all kinds of boobies, including the pic I decided not to post.

Now that that’s been said…

It was a pretty ho hum weekend.

On Saturday, Blake and I planted and hung our cucumbers. The system is really weird, you don’t water the dirt directly, there’s a reservoir at the top with these moisture-sucking strips that go down and rest on the dirt and over time the moisture-sucking strips water the dirt. And then on the side of each bag, there’s a slot for a moisture stick which tells you if the dirt is wet enough. Despite the fact that the dirt is wet enough on all the bags, two of the three aren’t doing so well, as you can see:

I think it has less to do with the moisture of the dirt and more to do with the fact that when I was pulling the vines through the hole at the bottom, blindly, I snapped them. I don’t know if the plant will compensate for that or not but next year we’re planting these things a LOT earlier than we did this year so the plants are still small and easier to stick through the hole. I wanted so long this time partially because I’m lazy and kept forgetting but also because I wanted the roots to be nice and thick so they wouldn’t fall apart when I tried to put the plants through the hole. I don’t think that’s a good strategy though so next year we’ll do it differently.

Also this weekend, I did my fingernails TWICE. On Friday I actually got up like, 3 hours before my alarm so I started work 2 hours early which meant I got done at 4pm instead of 6pm.  As soon as work was finished, I put in Burlesque (shut up) and started working on my nails. I spent HOURS on them. Then I decided to get drunk and play cards with Blake and when I was trying to pick cards up, my nail polish kinda shifted. It didn’t chip because it was still a little mushy, it just kinda slid. That made me very upset because I’d spent so much time on them so Blake helped me remove all the polish and I tried again on Saturday, however by Sunday evening, the polish had chipped already so I decided “fuck this” and I’m just not messing around with fingernail polish anymore or ever again. We just don’t get along, never have, never will. I’ll still do my toes, I don’t seem to have a problem there, but never my fingers again unless there’s MAYBE some special occasion or something.

Sunday was D&D day. Ronny, Alex & Raymond came over and we played while dining on veggies & dip as our snack and pizza for our dinner. It took us like, 4 hours or something to finish one encounter because we’re all n00bs and we still have no idea what we’re doing. Blake’s doing well being our DM, it’s the rest of us who suck because we don’t know our spells and abilities or when to do what etc. We’re still having a good time with it though and believe it or not we ARE getting faster and better the more we play so continue we shall. I also healed for the first time last night, which was interesting. Sucked that I could only do it twice because I’m only level 1, but still, it was something I never had to do before. Right now we all have 435 XP so I figure within maybe 3 more sessions we should be level 2.

After D&D, Raymond went home because he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours, Ronny and Alex played video games with Wes, I removed nail polish and I don’t know what Blake and Madison did (Blake helped me get the polish off my right hand at one point), then we watched the season finale of Game of Thrones. I’ll avoid talking about that in case people haven’t seen it yet but I’d avoid the comments on Live Journal if you haven’t seen it yet because I have a feeling it’ll be discussed. I really want to read the books now, which I think about a million people are also thinking.

My Lush order should be here any day now. They ship UPS so the mail strike we currently have shouldn’t affect the delivery but it WILL affect the delivery of the nail stamps I bought and that Eryn wants me to use on her next weekend for graduation the week after. This is what I ordered from Lush. 10 of them because they’re limited edition. I think I’m doing better with money considering that’s all I bought and I also put almost my whole paycheque on my Visa a few days ago. If I do that one more time, the Visa should be almost paid off just in time for my vacation. Ha!

I’m still having a really hard time with this holiday business. I mean, the fact that it’s costing us a LOT of money, half my paycheque, for me to have this holiday time really bothers me. I don’t have ill will toward my bosses or anything, it’s just that in my family you don’t take holidays. If you can make money, you do it. You don’t do things to lose money. I don’t think my mother, my grandmother or my grandfather have ever had a vacation in their lives because it would have been unpaid time off, which is what I’m doing the first week of July. I’m trying not to think about it but yesterday Alex asked me if I was looking forward to my holidays and I just started crying because no, no I’m not. I’m afraid that while I’m on holiday all I’ll be able to think about is money. But, it’s either take this vacation time or burn out and I can’t afford to burn out so holidays it is.

I plan on doing a lot of painting on my holidays. Painting and the beach. (Send vibes of a heat wave up here, please!) And I have to see my shrink to discuss the fact that I’m basically not okay right now, not at all. Possibly adjust my meds. Ask about “weight loss agents”, which were briefly discussed at metabolic clinic. I also plan to use the treadmill a lot when I’m on holidays and read. I give up on my shoes, they just keep giving me a really painful blister on my heel, so I’m going to use it in bare feet. Some studies say that’s better for you and some studies say it’s bad for you, so I’ve decided I don’t care and that’s just how I’m going to do it. I would lose weight if I could eat eggs for breakfast every day but I just don’t have the time to cook them with this job, let alone eat them, and even when I make diet kwish (diet cheese, broccoli and or onions, ham – you need the cheese or the egg dries out) and don’t have lunch I still don’t lose weight. They have to be 3 eggs over easy with 2 pieces of toast for it to work its magic and I just don’t have time for that. And you may think that’s ridiculous that it has to be that precise, but that’s what worked and variations do not work for whatever reason so it is what it is.

Admittedly my diet has been a little stupid for the last few weeks because I’m on the “Fuck It Diet”, which was invented by Margaret Cho. I see it. I eat it. Fuck it. But even when I was doing metabolic clinic and my diet was perfect and I was keeping a food journal and everything, I only lost 2-5 lbs that I gained the next week, that I’d lose the week after etc etc etc. In other words, I didn’t lose anything. I did the treadmill daily, 30-40 minutes, for 3 weeks and didn’t lose one single pound.  Didn’t gain any either. I was rollerskating, albeit not as long, but still, nothing. I do yoga once a week. I’m not inactive. Something just isn’t right with my body so I’m going to ask my shrink for “weight loss agents”, which I don’t even know what they are but I’m assuming maybe thyroid medication or something. I think my thyroid’s fine though, so I dunno. All I know is that my metabolism is still fucked from the risperidone and I want answers.

This week Charlie suggested I buy a bikini for my holidays and I just cried. 3 years ago I was wearing bikinis. Now I’m Shamu. I’m 45 lbs heavier than I should be and that’s a problem.

Anyway, enough of that, it upsets me.

My yellow begonia is basically dead and I don’t know why. The plant itself is alive and seemingly healthy but it doesn’t have any flowers. The orange one had about half the flowers it did when I bought it and again, I don’t know why. The yellow one was in partial shade, which the little stick they came with said is fine, while the orange one was in full sun so now I’ve hung the yellow one in full sun and put the orange one in the railing beneath it rather than hanging either of them on the hook on the other side of the house. You can’t really see what’s hung there anyway so whatever, I just wish I knew what was wrong with them. I’ve been dead-heading the dead flowers like you’re supposed to so I dunno.

My ears have taken to the earrings fully and completely and the holes aren’t weeping at all anymore. So yay! I’m even contemplating getting them pierced again. And then maybe again. And again. Do you think it would be better to do that one at a time or should I get all the holes I want pierced at once. I figure one at a time is probably better because if it gets infected I can treat it and it’ll probably be fine but if I do them all at once, if one gets infected, the rest probably will too and that would be a hard infection to get rid of. So one at a time is probably best, right? I don’t even know where you get ears pierced anymore. When I had mine done originally when I was like, 6, it was done at a jewelry store. In fact, the first one hurt so bad that I wouldn’t let them do the second one until some time later when the kids at school made fun of me for only having one earring. And then they both got infected too often so I took them out and left them out. That’s why I was so surprised the holes hadn’t grown over and I could get these new earrings in smooth as silk, I didn’t have to push through grown over skin or anything, they just slid right in .

I’m babbling, this is probably a really boring post. To be perfectly honest, I just have a lot in my head right now and it needs to come OUT.

We didn’t go up North for Father’s Day this year because we weren’t invited, which I found…interesting. I was glad because I didn’t want to go up there but at the same time, I can’t help but wonder why we weren’t invited in the first place. I don’t think I’ve done anything to offend anyone or anything like that so I dunno. Last year my mom got pissed at me for going up there so I’m kinda glad I didn’t have to deal with her in regards to this this year. Why did she get  pissed off? I dunno, she gets pissed off at me for no reason all the time, especially when it comes to Mother’s and Father’s Days. No matter what I do, she’s gonna get pissed off at me both of those days so I’ve stopped wondering why. My absentee prick of a brother can get away with sending an e-mail and be the next coming of Christ but I’m expected (I think) to jump through hoops for love and approval. I don’t get it and I no longer care. Both of my parents from now on are just gonna have to be happy with me writing on their Facebook walls because Mother’s and Father’s Days are now about Blake and I and no one else. I’m not going to sit there feeling like shit on a day that’s supposed to be about ME because I’m the mother. Phil doesn’t even call his father on Father’s Day so it’s unfair and hypocritical to expect me to call him, especially when I’m mentally ill and only use the phone to talk to Blake or for emergencies. And I’m still annoyed with his little lecture about me not calling him “dad” but calling him Phil instead because that’s his name. He’s never been my dad so let’s not go down that road. Let’s not forget that half of his friends and acquaintances don’t even know I exist. And my mother…well if she wants to spend her Mother’s Day being pissed off and catering to her own mother’s whims and dealing with sister aggro, so be it, but leave me out of it. Nothing I do is good enough so I’m just not going to do anything anymore.

And that’s all I have to say about that except that they’re both probably reading this so it should be considered “notice”. If they’re not then I guess we’ll deal with it next year.

Strangely, my mother-in-law was the most gracious of our parents this year and for that I am thankful.

Madison is such a weird kid. Do you know what she’s reading right now? BELOVED by Toni Morrison. Or maybe she’s done now. Either way, I thought it was an odd choice for a 13-year-old and she totally chose it for herself and put it on her birthday wishlist, it’s not like it was suggested reading or anything.  She’s also been reading Stephen King, but I don’t find that weird at all. I started reading Stephen King (It) in grade 1 so I actually think she’s a little late on that one.

She’s kind of flush with books at the moment, but as soon as she’s not, I want her to read The Handmaid’s Tale (which I’m re-reading right now), Middlesex, Water For Elephants, The Virgin Suicides and so many other books that I have sitting on my shelf just waiting to be read. I want to blow her mind with literature. Maybe then she’ll realize that what I’m working on, Cammity Jane, is absolute crap. It bothers me how good she thinks that is because I know it’s not and that’s not me putting myself down, that’s just a fact. It’s fluff, it’s not literature by any stretch of the imagination. I think the primary audience for it is young adults, so it’s good that she likes it as much as she does because she’s my target I think, but I feel like it should be beneath her. She should be smarter than that.

Bleh.

Okay I think I’ve ranted and raved and wasted enough of your time. I think I’m out of things to discuss. Please go to my site and take a look at the two images I posted. Here’s the first one, here’s the second one. Thanks.

PS. I am 15 days smoke-free.

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Help RAPS win $25,000!

My friend Phaedie loses one of her friends at least once a week. That’s because she works for a high-capacity cat sanctuary in Richmond, British Columbia, run by the Richmond Animal Protection Society, and unfortunately feline leukemia and feline AIDS is a part of the job, especially when dealing with such close quarters.

To keep cats out of shelters, people need to spay and neuter their pets and that’s what RAPS is aiming to do with Pepsi Canada’s Refresh Project contest. Their aim, with the $25,000 to be won, is to help low-income families spay, neuter and vaccinate their pets in order to help curb the already problematic business of sick, unwanted pets.

So how can you help? It’s easy. Click here and vote. You can sign in using Facebook connect so it really does only take 2 clicks and you’d be making a world of difference for animals and their people. Plus you’d be making Phaedie and I incredibly happy.

We need to try and get them to #1 or #2 as only the top 2 spots receive funding. Currently they’re in 3rd place, so we need to make a solid push to get then into 2nd! I know people don’t have money to give to every charity that comes their way, but if you’d normally be clicking on Farmville crops anyway, please use your mouse-fingers for this as well and help make a difference in the world. Thanks.

The contest voting is until June 30th, it’s a daily vote and I’ll be posting every few days to remind you to vote in case you forget.

 

June 16, 2011

I almost deleted your e-mail because I thought it was spam.

Hi there.

It is I, Sunny Crittenden, textibitionist extraordinaire and I’m here to…probably bore you to tears.

Honestly, nothing’s really been happening. Life’s just kinda gone by without any real events or anything.

Raymond has decided to join us for D&D and since we’ve only had 2 encounters so far, we’re just going to pull a Buffy and pretend he’s Dawn and just have him appear and give him the XP that we all have.  And and and…

So we did that on Sunday, then we watched Game of Thrones. I haven’t read those books but I cannot conceive of how they’re going to resolve everything in one hour next Sunday. Is it a 2 hour finale?

I have cramps like fucking crazy and they will not go away no matter how many drugs I throw at them. I just ran out of Tylenol 3 a few days ago and can’t get any more for another 30 days because that’s how my doctor prescribes it.

This morning I had a shower. Shocking, I know. But when I got out of the shower, the nail polish on my fingers was peeling off! And now, since the nail polish was green, my fingernails are yellow! I look like I’ve been smoking 6 packs a day with all of my fingers or something and no amount of nail polish remover is getting it off. I’m told, via Twitter, that I should have used a basecoat but since I already spent *murmers* on nail polish this month, I don’t want to go out and buy any of that but I’m told topcoat will probably do the trick.

HOWEVER, I think tonight we should really go to Wal*Mart to buy dirt and hooks so I can get my cucumbers planted and I bet they sell basecoat there, just not OPI basecoat, unfortunately. Blake won’t like that I want to go to Wal*Mart but it’s something that needs to be done or my cucumber plants are going to die. They look as though they’re getting ready to flower as it is and right now they’re just in beer cups. We need the hooks to hang the planters because we’re growing them upside down. And we need to do it like, 2 weeks ago.

So I’ve been using Lush’s Big shampoo and Veganese conditioner and I’ve noticed that in using these two products, one of which is 50% sea salt, it makes my hair kinda curly. My VERY straight, won’t hold a curl to save its life, hair. Wavy. Little loose ringlets. Here, let me show you (please ignore my fat, ugly face):

Isn’t that weird? When I brush it out, it goes straight again, but with the slightest bit of humidity it curls right back up. I’m thinking it’s gotta be the sea salt in the Big shampoo doing this and I realize it’s a small thing on the surface but I’ve had stick straight hair my whole life, the idea of volume and BODY has been absolutely unheard of. Many times in my childhood I had perms, only to have them fall out a few weeks later, if that.

Anyway, it’s a bloody miracle.

Y’know what I love? Cakepops. Just throwin’ that out there.

Know what I don’t love? The fact that I haven’t sold a painting in like, over 8 months. That sucks. What sucks even more, which pertains to this, is that I have absolutely no desire to paint right now. I’m all out of inspiration. I am sick to death of fairies. And mermaids. And angels. And I’m tired of making pretty girls in pretty dresses JUST to make pretty girls in pretty dresses. I *should* be painting Asian girls as mermaids and fairies and angels and pretty girls in dresses now that I know how to draw them but I just don’t want to. I’m burnt out. I should also be making more ACEOs with girls of colour on them since all the ACEOs I have up in my Etsy shop are all white girls, but I just don’t have it in me right now.

All I seem to want to do any more is sleep and read books and work and that’s it. That’s all I’ve got.

But I feel like I should be squeezing every drop of productivity out of myself and it makes me very upset that I’m not doing that, that I’m not over-achieving. That I don’t have something “on the go”. I *ALWAYS* have something “on the go”, just not right now and that bothers me immensely. I feel like I’m in a rut and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I see my shrink during my vacation and I’m afraid her only advice is going to be to quit my job, which simply isn’t an option, but what else can she tell me? This is not a chemical thing, she can’t adjust my meds and make this better.

Usually I approach a painting thinking “this is going to be the best thing I’ve ever painted!” and generally I do tend to top myself most of the time, I think. But now I just don’t have the fire in my belly, I don’t have the ideas I usually have. I wonder if this *isn’t* because of my last increase in my meds and maybe she needs to up the Wellbutrin. I dunno. I’m just not happy with myself ion any way, shape or form lately and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t feel myself.

Blah. Whining. I’ll stop.

In other news, it’s been 11 days since my last cigarette and I have (almost) no desire to smoke ever again. A few days ago I kinda wanted to, but now I think I’m okay. I’m still going to be avoiding any and all smokers like the plague for the next few months but I think I’m okay doing my own thing right now. I’m lucky that none of my friends smoke. Really the only person I know who smokes anymore is my mom. They’re a dying breed, fortunately. (Well, depending on how you want to look at it…I don’t really want my mom to die but she’s killing herself of her own free will and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Emphysema, here she comes. At the VERY least. I told you I was in the preachy phase of quitting smoking!)

Right now I’m re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood and I totally forgot how freaky her version of the future is in this book. I haven’t seen the movie, but I want to.

Anyway, I think I’m going to go find something else to do. I can’t think of anything else to write or bitch about and nothing much is really happening in my life these days (that I can write about anyway). Have your pets spayed and neutered and have a lovely day.

Speaking of spaying and neutering…

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Help RAPS win $25,000!

My friend Phaedie loses one of her friends at least once a week. That’s because she works for a high-capacity cat sanctuary in Richmond, British Columbia, run by the Richmond Animal Protection Society, and unfortunately feline leukemia and feline AIDS is a part of the job, especially when dealing with such close quarters.

To keep cats out of shelters, people need to spay and neuter their pets and that’s what RAPS is aiming to do with Pepsi Canada’s Refresh Project contest. Their aim, with the $25,000 to be won, is to help low-income families spay, neuter and vaccinate their pets in order to help curb the already problematic business of sick, unwanted pets.

So how can you help? It’s easy. Click here and vote. You can sign in using Facebook connect so it really does only take 2 clicks and you’d be making a world of difference for animals and their people. Plus you’d be making Phaedie and I incredibly happy.

We need to try and get them to #1 or #2 as only the top 2 spots receive funding. Currently they’re in 3rd place, so we need to make a solid push to get then into 2nd! I know people don’t have money to give to every charity that comes their way, but if you’d normally be clicking on Farmville crops anyway, please use your mouse-fingers for this as well and help make a difference in the world. Thanks.

The contest voting is until June 30th, it’s a daily vote and I’ll be posting every few days to remind you to vote in case you forget.

 

June 13, 2011

It’s fucking cold today.

So I’m wearing the awesome socks Heavenly Evil made me.

I almost killed myself trying to take that picture. I was balancing my fat ass on the railing of the porch.

Anyway, I love hand-knit (crocheted?) socks and these ones are super soft and I love them.

Did you know that nail polish only lasts a few days before it chips? I didn’t know that and I was dismayed to find that mine chipped today, only 4 days after I applied it. And I think that sucks. My toenails never chip and I only redo them when my nails have grown long enough that the nail polish is kind of growing out and looks bad.

Anyway, totally a first world problem but a pisser nonetheless.

On the weekend we went to the drive-in. And I took pictures which you can see here (I’m x-posting this post to Camwhores where I can’t post pics of kids, hence the linkage). We saw Kung Fu Panda 2 which was alright, Wes loved it and Super 8 which I thoroughly enjoyed. Blake didn’t believe me that it was a kid’s movie before we saw it but it is and it is very much a cross between The Goonies, E.T. and Cloverfield. I liked it a lot.

Then on Sunday morning (well more like noon-ish), Blake and I went out for breakfast to this diner at the beach that we both really like that’s all done up like the 50’s & 60’s and it is aptly named “50’s & 60’s Diner”. See, a few years ago there was a franchise of these diners and they were all called “Galaxy Diner” but the franchise went under. Despite the franchise going under a lot of the restaurant owners stayed open, renaming their diners and this is one of those. There’s another one in Barrie called “Flashback Diner” that we go to often too because the one at the beach has funny hours (although they’re on summer hours now so they’re open until 8pm every night now).

I’m on Day 8 of no smoking with almost zero desire to start up again. I kinda wanted “just one” on the weekend but with very little convincing by Blake, I decided against it. I’m kinda in that sanctimonious phase of being a non-smoker but I think for right now that’s a good thing.

I’m also on day 4 of wearing earrings and so far so good. They’ve been a liiiiittle weepy in the mornings but after I put alcohol on them, they’re okay and I have no doubt that in a couple of weeks they’ll be fine. I’m even considering getting them pierced again. Like, 2 new holes. I did it myself when I was in grade 9 with a darning need, some ice and a potato but I never left the earrings in long enough for the holes to stay open because they got infected so they just healed over. This time I’d get it professionally done but I’m not sure where.

Tonight is yoga. That’s all I have to say about that. Well not really. I’m sick of yoga. I hate going. But that’s only half true because this is what happens every Monday, I dread going and then when it’s over I’m glad that I went. So right now I’m all “ugh” but later I’ll be all “ahhhh”. (Or more to the point, “Ommmmm”?)

And that’s all the poop that’s fit to scoop. Nothing really new to report in Sunnyland. My yellow begonia is pretty much dead because it hasn’t been watered because it’s under a shady tree and isn’t getting the rain water the orange one got, but I just soaked it and I think it can come back. I just have to remember to water the damn thing.

So yeah, Happy Monday and all that shit. Back to work I go.

PS. We got our photos developed for A Million Little Pictures and they are all crap. We’re still sending them in but don’t expect anything fabulous outta that one. We won’t be signing up for that one next year because the cameras they send you are way too crappy.  A Million Little Crappy Snapshots is more like it.

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Help RAPS win $25,000!

My friend Phaedie loses one of her friends at least once a week. That’s because she works for a high-capacity cat sanctuary in Richmond, British Columbia, run by the Richmond Animal Protection Society, and unfortunately feline leukemia and feline AIDS is a part of the job, especially when dealing with such close quarters.

To keep cats out of shelters, people need to spay and neuter their pets and that’s what RAPS is aiming to do with Pepsi Canada’s Refresh Project contest. Their aim, with the $25,000 to be won, is to help low-income families spay, neuter and vaccinate their pets in order to help curb the already problematic business of sick, unwanted pets.

So how can you help? It’s easy. Click here and vote. You can sign in using Facebook connect so it really does only take 2 clicks and you’d be making a world of difference for animals and their people. Plus you’d be making Phaedie and I incredibly happy.

We need to try and get them to #1 or #2 as only the top 2 spots receive funding. Currently they’re in 3rd place, so we need to make a solid push to get then into 2nd! I know people don’t have money to give to every charity that comes their way, but if you’d normally be clicking on Farmville crops anyway, please use your mouse-fingers for this as well and help make a difference in the world. Thanks.

The contest voting is until June 30th, it’s a daily vote and I’ll be posting every few days to remind you to vote in case you forget.

 

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