January 26, 2015



I have to see my new shrink in 3 hours, which means we have to leave in a little less than 2 hours and I’m not sure if that’s enough time to fit in everything on my mind but I’ll do my best.

At my last shrink visit, we discussed getting me off of the Loxapine, which is an anti-psychotic I’ve been using to sleep for about 3 years that’s apparently not only not that fantastic for your liver but one of its side effects is this neurological issue called Akathisia which is the inability to sit still, pretty much. It sounds really dumb, but on a scale of “excruciating” to “dear god just please kill me”, with pancreatitis at the high end and endometriosis and childbirth at the low end, Akathisia would actually be closer to pancreatitis. It’s not painful, per se, but it’s almost like there’s high voltage electricity inside you, like physical calories, that can only come out or be expressed through your arms and legs by jumping jacks or running on the spot or just finally, because you’re completely exhausted and should have been asleep hours ago, plain old continuous contortion in the dark in your bed while you cry and feel guilty for keeping your husband awake (or hating him for being asleep). The only thing that we found consistently worked was me overloading on sleep meds (which we had no idea were causing this in the first place) and having Blake drive me around the beach until I fell asleep, like a baby. These episodes would begin shortly after I took my sleep meds (but again, we never made the connection) at about 7pm and would continue until I passed out around midnight. Which really fucking sucks when you work in 4 or 5 hours. This had been happening, mostly in the warm months, about once every 2 weeks or so since I started taking this stuff and I never knew what was happening. The sensation of this “electricity” is a lot like when your foot falls asleep and in waking up, AFTER the pins & needles phase, the one right after that where if someone were to touch your foot you’d punch them right in the fucking face. You know the one. It’s shocking, right? Almost painful but not? I dunno how to describe it other wise but it’s like a constant pressure of that and the need to relieve it. So hard to explain and I am so happy that my new shrink connected the dots on that one so hopefully now that I’m not taking the drug anymore it won’t happen any more. It hasn’t so far and it’s been like, 2 months.

Something else I thought of while writing this is that I didn’t experience acute Akathisia as often this summer/fall as I did the previous year and I think that’s because this summer/fall, I changed my routine so I don’t take my sleep meds Fri/Sat/Sun and I stay up until between 3am-never making art and hanging out with some of my cyberpals in a top secret location. It would make sense that since I started taking less of it, the issue didn’t happen as often.

I’m so annoyed I didn’t catch this myself because I’m usually really proactive about researching the meds I take and I know I looked Loxapine up when I was first prescribed it but nothing bad happened right away so I just never put two and two together. I never  told any doctors about these episodes because they were simply so bizarre and indescribable and FLUKEY that I was convinced either “this is not a chronic thing and it’ll just go away” (lie) or if I tried to describe it to a doctor they wouldn’t take me seriously.

Stopping the meds should make the symptoms disappear, although in some cases it can take years for it to stop completely. I’m pretty confident that I’m done with it though. Not worried. Now I’m taking Trazodone to sleep instead and so far everything’s been a-okay.

Next thing on the list to discuss with my shrink is getting me the FUCK off Cipralex because, while I’m actually pretty happy and it’s good stuff, I’ve only had *maybe* 3 orgasms in the last 8-9 MONTHS, which is starting to drive even me, the sexlesss wonder, absolutely crazy so it’s time to find something new that doesn’t break my clit. I was told to give it 6 months for the side effects to go away and it’s been long enough, this is not just gonna go away.

Speaking of genitals, I had my pap smear a few months ago and told the nurse who did it that my endo is starting to become a problem again (yay, right? of course it is…) and since I now have a mesh in my stomach holding everything together, I can no longer safely have laparoscopic surgery and I’m not willing to have a hysterectomy, so my options now are painkillers and taking the birth control pill continuously so I don’t have any periods anymore. She understood as she had endo and went the hysterectomy route and from experience, she agreed with all of my reasons for being against it at 35. She left a note for my doctor about a prescription for birth control and he called it in the next day, Blake picked it up and I started taking it. It’s Tri-Cyclen Lo 28, but the first thing I did was ditch the sugar pills because I didn’t want to accidentally take any of them and long story short I’ve either been spotting, full on bleeding or leaking brown tissue and fluid since I started taking this shit so I need to see him pronto to get me on something else. I don’t think the nurse fully explained in her note what I was doing or why I was doing it because if she would have, I’m pretty sure he would have put me on something different. I think these pills are like, baby birth control pills for teenagers. I really wanted to ask my doctor for Marvelon 21 because that’s what I was on before and it did the job of keeping my periods at bay (not pain-free but period-free most of the time), but then I read this page about it and now I don’t think it’s a  good idea. I’m 35 and I have had a blood clot (when I was sick, I had a clot in a vein in my spleen – god it is so gross knowing that *shudder*) and I don’t smoke cigarettes but I do smoke weed obviously and I’m not sure if that’s the same thing as far as clots are concerned. I just need something that’ll stop my period and not kill me, kthnx.

I need all this shit figured out pronto! Because! Dammit! I wanna get laid in San Francisco! There’s this stuff you can get in California called “Foria“, which is weed spray for your pussy and I plan on shelling out seventy-nine American dollars to be sorely disappointed haha BUT! It’s for science! And I’m on holiday! So whatever! Truthfully, I’m skeptical about it for myself because as I’ve explained before, eating or vaping weed doesn’t do anything to me so I’m not totally convinced it’ll work subdermally either, but hey! Cool if it does! And if it doesn’t, I’m sure if I leave it in SF, Steph will put it to good use. :o)

Well, I guess I better go get ready to see my shrink. Peace out, homies!

February 4, 2014

Best Thing Ever #1

So I get a lot of e-mails from people and companies who want me to promote their “thing” on this blog and basically I never bother answering these e-mails unless they’re really rude and then I tell them off. This is because I don’t believe in false endorsement. And I don’t think anyone else should either. I think people should be honest about the shit they like and the shit they don’t like and to be passionate about both the shit you love and the shit you hate.

This post is a culmination of three things:

– Got an e-mail yesterday from a guy with a cause whose pitch was compelling and something I thought was sort of cool but it was a yearly event that had just passed. Because I thought his cause, his story and his implementation of it was good enough and something I could get behind, I e-mailed him back and told him to remind me next year before the event and I would mention it in a post. This is RARE and something that I’ve often said no to to friends and acquaintances because I just wasn’t connected to the cause in any way and didn’t feel like it would be genuine.

– I just had a conversation with someone about the fact that I have this weird character flaw where if I really really like or believe in something, I’ll do everything I can to be involved and help that thing succeed whether it benefits me in any way or not. I have a history of this.

– I just got an e-mail from the Amazon.com affiliates program saying that since I hadn’t earned any ad dollars from them in 3 years, if I didn’t update my payment and tax information to be paid out, they were going to charge me a $10/year maintenance fee. At first I thought, “go right ahead” because I’ve hardly ever used my affiliate links for anything, mostly because I’m really lazy and don’t want to load up Amazon every time I want to talk about something, and the reason I never signed up to be paid out all these years (since 2006 haha) is because they wanted me to fill out a tax form and for a long time I didn’t have  a working printer and scanner  so I couldn’t or at least not without difficulty. Then I just forgot about it and every time I got an e-mail from them I just deleted it unread because the amounts were always so small they seemed insignificant, especially when their minimum payout is $100 anyway. But when I got that e-mail today I logged into my affiliate account with the intentions of closing it since I knew I was nowhere near the amount to be paid out and to my surprise I was half-way there (big accomplishment in 9 years, shut up). BUT I still wouldn’t make enough to be paid out before they started charging me that $10 fee. Then I saw that you can get paid out in Amazon gift certificates which would be useful to me, so that’s what I did.

These three things, combined with the fact that I’ve generally felt really negative the last little while and am actively trying to bring more positive into my life and therefore yours too since you read this stuff, made me decide to make this post because it’s about something I love, something that was given out of love and it’s something on Amazon. I don’t actually care if you buy it on Amazon if you can find a better deal somewhere else or something similar, but this is mine, my experience and my story and I apologize if the advertising offends you. These posts, if I make any more, won’t always be about things you can get on Amazon but if they are available on Amazon, I’m going to link them with my affiliate link because there’s really no reason not to and actually not doing it is sort of a waste of perfectly good copy.

This is my first Best Thing Ever:

When I first got my job over 3 years ago now (although this month is the 2nd anniversary of getting hired back after being sick), the ability to get up in the morning was a legit concern because for most of my life up until that point, I had been a mostly nocturnal, cave-dwelling troll. My attempts to switch things around when they first hired me were really really difficult and I was seriously scared I’d made a huge mistake, when my friend Kevin linked me to the Philips Wake-Up Light (the one in the picture is actually the Philips Wake-Up Light Plus, which has a dusk setting, and is only available on Amazon used for a mere $499) and asked me if I thought I’d use it. I told him I’d try it so he sent me one and I’m not even kidding, like within a week I was getting up at 8am every morning like a normal person. This is also how I wake up at 4:30am every morning without waking Blake up (usually). It’s one of the best things I’ve ever been given!

Say you *have* to get up at 7am, like that’s the absolute latest you can sleep without being late for work. You set the Philips Wake-Up Light for that time and what happens is at 6:30am, the halogen lamp will come on very dimly, so it’s practically just glowing in the dark. Then over the next half hour, the light gradually increases to simulate a sunrise and as it does this, according to the box, “the light increases the level of energy in your body, preparing your body to wake up” so by 7am, the light is at its brightest and it just wakes you up naturally. An optional feature is that at 7am either the radio or the sound of birdies comes on to make sure your ass is awake, which is a function I have turned on, but I’m so used to the light now that I wake up naturally about 10 minutes after it comes on. That IS if I got enough sleep the night before. If I didn’t, then those fuckass birdies are going to wake Blake up and then he’s going to poke and grunt at me until I get up and since that sucks for both of us, I just go to bed at a decent time every night and getting up at stupid o’clock in the morning and NOT becoming an axe murdering psychopath isn’t as difficult as people assume it is, thanks to the Philips Wake-Up Light.

January 6, 2014

Stay all day, if you want to.

I posted this on Facebook last night and thought I’d post it here too:

“So sick. So so so so sick. Pancreatic attack started yesterday and much vomiting has occurred between then and now. Hydromorph for the pain, cannabis to keep the hydromorph and ginger ale down. Luckily I had today and have tomorrow off so its impact on work has been minimal but I spent most of today laying on the couch in my office wanting to die and sleeping on and off with a fever. Ugh.

So yeah. I’ll stop whining now I guess but holy fuck do I ever feel bad. This is the first one like this I’ve had in months and there’s nothing that triggered it that we can think of, it just happened.”

I just woke up and I’m feeling a lot better.  I just ate a scrambled egg and I don’t feel sick so that’s definitely a good sign and this’ll be the first food I’ve had and kept down since Thursday. I’m only in minor pain compared to yesterday, so that’s good, but that’s partially because I’m on shit tonnes of hydromorph which makes me so so tired. I feel like I could go back to sleep right now and be able to sleep through the night but that’s probably not the case so I don’t want to try it and then be up all night and useless for work in the morning.

Anyway, that’s what’s happening in my world.

July 17, 2013

Cryin’ Won’t Help You, Prayin’ Won’t Do You No Good

Here’s today’s theme song:

I’ve only updated 4 times this month and it’s already the 17th. Remember when I used to post 3 or 4 times a day?

I don’t really know why I haven’t been updating. I guess I just haven’t had all that much to say. And I’m not exactly getting feedback these days so I don’t really have all that much as far as incentive. I don’t even think Blake reads anymore.

I got notification the other day that my Memoir Project book has been digitized but I tried to read it and they’ve messed it all up. Here’s the link anyway. I really only wrote about when I got sick so it’s not like it’s full of stuff you guys haven’t heard 100 times before. I also found one instance of where I should have written “too” but I wrote “to” instead. That shit drives me crazy and I wish I could fix it. I even proof-read it twice before sending it off! Oh well, what’re ya gonna do?

I have 4 days left of work hell. Five if you count the fact that we have our weekly work meeting the day after my last crazy shift which should technically be my day off. Once I’m done all that though, I’ll have 25 hours banked that I can take off whenever I need to. Nine of those hours are going to be the Saturday of the studio tour and the rest I think I’m just gonna save in case I need a sick day or in case we go to Montreal, which Madison wants to do this summer. I wouldn’t mind going to Montreal but I don’t speak very much French and Blake speaks none. Wes just started French last year so he barely knows any and we’d be relying on Madison whose best mark this year was en Francais. I hate working from anywhere other than my own desk so if we do go, I’d take some time off. But since I don’t really *want* to go, I’d feel like those hours were wasted but at the same time, if I didn’t go I’d feel left out, so I dunno.

I think next week or the week after we’re going to go see my grama. My mom says she’s been feeling well enough that she hasn’t needed people to be with her 24/7 so that’s good, but let’s be realistic, also temporary. My mom has a show to do in August so at least this is giving her some time to make product for that and prepare for it etc. My grama requires a shot of heparin in her stomach every day and I dunno who’s giving it to her since people aren’t with her every day anymore. It’s a blood thinner. When I was in the hospital, I had to have the same shot (as well as wearing compression socks, which are terrible!) and it fucking hurts. Like, first the needle part physically hurts and then the heparin itself burns and stings. It’s only like, 10 or 15 seconds of pain but pain is pain and I haaaaaaated that. My grama has to have it because she has/had blood clots in her lungs. I had to have it because I was bed-ridden and with the lack of circulation, blood clots were a possibility.

I should be painting today, since I’m awake (and I don’t intend to go to sleep until about 5 or 6pm because I have to get up at 2am to work at 3am, boooooo) but I just don’t feel like it. Plus there’s nothing to really watch and I have to watch something while I paint.

I watched The Newsroom premiere on Monday morning but I couldn’t really follow it. Same with True Blood. With the hours I’ve been keeping, my brain is just mush. Unless it’s work-related, nothing sticks. :o/

Anyway, I think I should force myself to go paint. I have my next project sketched out already so I need to work on that (it’s sort of a commission, sort of not…it’s an idea I’ve had for a while now but my friend said he’d almost definitely purchase it if I did it and I REALLY need money right now so that’s why I chose it to be next) and then I have to work on an 8 x 8 inch painting for the food bank. I get the feeling that I’ve explained this already somewhere but I forget where…on the studio tour we’re supporting the food bank as our charity and each artist is donating a piece of work to be used for a raffle/draw. Like you would buy 10 tickets for $10 (or something) and then you’d put your ticket in a basket beneath the piece of art you want and then at the end of the tour we’ll draw the tickets and whoever’s ticket gets chosen for each piece gets it. And the money obviously goes to the food bank.

I have NO IDEA what I’m doing for my piece so I suppose I should figure that out…I also have to buy a tablecloth for my display at the township office next month which I’m stupidly nervous about. That doesn’t even make sense considering I don’t even have to BE there for it or talk to anyone or anything like that. I’m more scared of my paintings being damaged or stolen.

I also have to make hang tags for the paintings, which I’ll staple to the back of the canvases. That was my mother’s idea.

I have a lot of stuff I need to do but no desire to do any of it. But I better get my shit together because all of these events are happening SOON so…yeah…

Anyway, I’ll wrap this up by saying GO VISIT MY ETSY SHOP!!! Or my ZAZZLE SHOP!!! If ya see anything ya like, BUY IT!!! :oP The reason I say that is because I need to know what I’m putting in the township office and I need to know what stock I have for the studio tour so if you had your eye on anything, you should totally grab it now!

And if anyone has any idea of what I should do for the 8 x 8 inch canvas, I’m all ears!

Peace oot, homies.

PS. One of my ACEOs was chose for an Etsy treasury this week! Check it out!

July 11, 2013

Asses Kicked, Names Taken

I went to bed last night around 7:00pm, then started work this morning at 4am and I would LOVE to be asleep right now but I have a work meeting at 2pm. Shortly after said meeting, like maybe an hour or two later, I’m going to take my evening pills and go to bed because I have to work again at 2am until 8am tomorrow morning. The good news is that after I’m done work at 8 tomorrow morning, I don’t have to work again until 2pm on Saturday. Granted I have to work 9 hours on Saturday, which sucks, but then I can sleep in on Sunday morning. Then Sunday night (well, technically Monday) I have to work 1am-5am. So I kiiiiinda still get my days off (Sunday and Monday), I’ll just be sleeping through most of them.

Then next week….Tuesday I start work at 5am, then Wed.-Fri. I work 3am-8am but Friday night I have to work 11pm-5am Saturday morning, sleep, then start work at 2pm-11pm and then my last crazy shift is the Sunday night (technically Monday morning) 1am-5am. Then it’s all my normal shift work after that.

I was worried I’d burn out and not be able to handle this but as long as I get creative with my meds and sleep when I’m tired, I should be good. Or at least it has been so far. It’s not even how many more hours I’m working while Belinda’s in Asia, it’s how weird they are that had me worried. For the last year & a half, my schedule has been pretty rigid. Go to bed at 9-9:30pm, get up at 4:30am, start work at 5am, go back to bed at 8am, wake up again around 11am and then paint the rest of the day. The only day that truly sucks in my regular schedule is my 9 hour long Saturdays. But even those I’ve gotten used to because they’re busy and I don’t have time to think about how much they suck haha

So that’s work right now. My meeting’s in an hour and 7 minutes so I better stop blabbing about work and write this damn post.

I’m so tired I’ve pretty much forgotten what this post was supposed to be about.

Yesterday I started a Twitter account for the Springwater Guild of Artists & Artisans (SGAA) where I’ll be tweeting about events we involved in, including the studio tour, so if you have any interest in that, feel free to follow it. I think we have 7 followers at the moment haha Really, the goal of the account is to get the local newspapers and radio stations and local celebrities to tweet or retweet about the event. I also think that during the studio tour, I’m going to live tweet the event using that account. My plan is on the Saturday I’ll get Madison to watch my stuff at the library while Blake and I take an hour or so to go to each stop and tweet pics along the way. I think I’ll also figure out how to incorporate Facebook into that too. I’ve kinda been designated the social media guru so…yeah…

Then this morning I spent a few hours on the SGAA site, on this page specifically that has all of the artists participating in this year’s tour, and coming up with 4 or 5 interview questions for each of them. Then I e-mailed each of them their questions and I asked them to e-mail me back their answers, along with 1-3 pictures, which I’ll then put together as little profile articles to be posted sporadically on the SGAA’s Facebook page. The idea will be for people to see those little articles, which will be based around pictures, and share them, boosting our signal.

I’ve also got the Facebook advertising nailed down so it’s been a really busy morning! I am SO ready for bed!

Anyway, the studio tour isn’t for another 2 months but here’s the Facebook event anyway so if you happen to be in our area, you can “save the date” so to speak. The tour is on September 21st & 22nd from 9am-4:30pm. I won’t actually be IN my studio because my studio is really “the grown up living room”/my office and there’s no wall space to hang any of my stuff so I’ll have my stuff set up at the library in the center of town.

Two & a half weeks from now I have my exhibition for the month of August at the township office. I’ll post more details about that when I know them, for example, WHERE the township office is because I have no Earthly idea. I know it’s between my house and Barrie but that’s all I know. I also know I need to buy a table cloth for the table they’ll be providing to me to use for my setup.

Earlier this week I ordered 400 business cards because I figure between people just asking me for them all the time, the township office exhibition and the studio tour, I very well might need that many and at the moment all I have in my wallet is 4 measly little MOO mini cards (which I did not get any more of, but I did get my cards from MOO because I wanted several different designs).

So long story short, I’m busy and getting shit done.

On Sunday I finished my “Silver Angel” painting, which, if you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you’ve probably seen progress pics of but you may not have seen the final result yet. So voila!

More pics are available on Etsy…
…where you could also BUY HER!

But I’ll show you this one here though too so you can see what makes her so cool:

Her dress is mirrored silver with holographic, 3D stars!
(That were REALLY REALLY hard to photograph.)

When I had her glued onto the canvas (notice that it’s actually NEGATIVE! my backgrounds are always WHITE but this time I went BLACK!), she was pristine. So I started the varnishing process and when I got to her dress and brushed on the varnish, all was well and when I was finished, I put her on top of the washing machine away from shedding-in-clumps dogs. Then I forget what I did, I think we watched TV or I did something online, but when I checked on the painting about an hour later, I FREAKED because the varnish over the holographic paper was CLOUDY, completely ruining the effect. It was so humid on the weekend that it took until Tuesday morning for the varnish to cure and turn clear, which it did THANK GOD, but man I was losing my damn mind until that happened. But in the end it all turned out and now I’m trying to think of things I can do with the other holographic papers I picked up when I was at Michael’s a few weeks ago.


Last night I decided on what my next project is going to be. It’s actually something that I’ve had in the back of my head for a while now and I even bought the material to do it like, 2 weeks ago, but I wasn’t sure if it would be my next project or not until a friend on Twitter last night said “heyyyyyyy remember you said you were going to do [X] painting? Whatever happened to that?” and I said I was still thinking about it but that I had all the stuff to do it. And then my friend was like, “well, if you do [X] painting, I will almost absolutely be buying it,” and that spoke to my poor, broke ass so that’s what I’m going to start working on tomorrow after work. It’s NOT a commission because it was something I had planned and had even sketched out already, already had the materials, but it IS a sale, so yay! It’s been way too long since I sold a painting…

Then after that I think my next painting is going to be an 8 x 8 inch piece for the food bank. The studio tour is partially for charity so we’re selling raffle tickets where the proceeds go to the food bank and each artist is donating a piece and what will happen is, you buy say, 10 tickets and you put them in a basket in front of whatever item you want to bid on. You could put all 10 in the basket in front of my painting for better odds of winning it, or you could put 1 ticket in each basket for the chance to win multiple prizes. At least that’s how I understand it’s going to work.

Anyway, the food bank donation raffle stuff will be set up at the library where I’ll be and I think I’m going to see if Madison can run it and have the hours go toward the volunteer hours you need to graduate high school here. I haven’t run that past her yet but it’s a thought I had.

Okay my meeting is in 12 minutes so I better post this, then post it to Camwhores, then pee, then have the meeting.

OH! Speaking of Camwhores, I’m doing a members only show on Friday night at 10pm EST! If you need a free trial to watch the show, e-mail me and I’ll send you an invite! Sunny@SunnyCrittenden.com! This week’s theme is storytelling, so that’s what my show’s going to be all about. Should be interesting.

Peace oot, homies.

June 18, 2013

That Thing, That Thing, That Thiiiiiiing

I’ve been sleeping a lot. I think I’m depressed again.

Last night I tried to watch the movie The Impossible and I lasted about 15 minutes before I fell asleep and drooled all over Blake’s belly. That was around 8pm. Then I got up at 4:30am for work and actually started early because my pancreas is bugging me (dunno why this time) and I wanted to go back to bed as soon as possible. So at 7:45am I went back to sleep and had the craziest dream about evil, pot smoking fairies that I wish I could remember and write down because it would have been fucking GOLD, very de Lint

…FUCK. Blake’s aunt died and now we probably have to go to Militiagan for the week. FUCK FUCK FUCK. It’s not that I have anything AGAINST Militiagan, it’s that I really really hate working from another location. I’m also on the rag and Lunapads aren’t exactly travel-worthy. Ugh. This suuuuuuuuuuucks. (It’s not an aunt he was particularly close to or anything, I’d never even heard of her until today. She’s his cousins’ grama.)




I can’t afford to pay for roaming on my phone right now either. :o( If I’m roaming, does playing Pocket Frogs count as data usage?

Now I’m in a shitty mood. I was in a perfectly fine mood until Blake messaged me with this. Now my dream is 100% out of my brain and into the ether because he made me think about real life things. FUCK.

…And the vice principal just called and Madison’s exam on Thursday is drama, which is a play, so she can’t make that one up so if we go, she’s staying home. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck this, I’m not going. If we can’t all go, I say we send flowers since it’s not even a close relative and call it a day. It’s not like we can afford to go anyway.


BUT! My wonderful friend, Miss Manda Leigh, found me THESE gorgeous things on eBay just now, in my size, which Blake told me to purchase and have sent to his mom’s house (because they didn’t ship internationally). They are Doc Martens so you know they’re good and that they’ll fit perfectly. Behold:

I loves them.
I loves them so fucking much.
I could kick someone’s fucking ass in these.
I knew if I put it out there someone would see something awesome!
Crowd-sourcing FTW!

….And Blake and I have decided to just send flowers to the funeral home and call it a day. THANK GOD. This was getting complicated and stressful. I had to take 2 clonazepam just to answer the phone when the vice principal called who A) should have called Blake’s cell instead of our house, which is the # he left on her voicemail and B) who fucking told Madison about the funeral, who had NO IDEA, and so she texted Blake 300 times while he was in a meeting wondering who died. THANKS, VICE PRINCIPAL FUCKFACE. YOU’RE SWELL.

I have done so much screaming today my throat is literally sore, both from being extremely frustrated with life and also from being excited about shoes. Today is definitely a bittersweet day.

I’m really bummed about losing that dream. It was the kind of dream that was so good, so interesting, that you force yourself to go back to sleep to keep having it. And now it’s gone. Thanks a lot, universe.

Now I’m going to go find food and wrack my brain for dream details. Have a lovely day.

December 10, 2012


I have been up since 2:45am with a fever of unknown origin.

Last night I was boiling hot and sleeping in my underwear and a tank top on TOP of the blankets and dying of heat and tonight I had on a tank top, track pants, a hoodie, underwear (obvs) and I got Blake to get me another blanket and some Tylenol.

The Tylenol juuuust broke the fever but now I’m wide awake so I guess I’m up for the day and I’ll just have a nap this afternoon or something.

This afternoon I have to go see Dr. Hanrahan at the hospital because she’s going to be removing a mole from my right breast. It’s been bothering me for years, not because I think it’s ugly (I couldn’t care less about that) but because it sometimes changes colour and has weird edges and it has signs of all the things they tell you to look for in a bad mole that could be cancer so I’ve asked her to remove it so I don’t have to worry about it ever again.

You would think that after everything I’ve been through medically in the last year, this wouldn’t freak me out, but I *AM* freaked out. Really freaked out. Mostly because of the needle I know she’s going to put right in the middle of the mole to freeze it. That squicks me, man.

So that’s what’s on my mind at 5am.

No idea what this fever bullshit is about. I literally have no other symptoms. I mean, I’m on the rag, but I’ve never had a fever because of that so I dunno.

Posted at 5:56 am in: Health , Hospital , Life , Menstruation , Sleep
July 25, 2012

I’m home.

Which was probably a mistake. They wouldn’t send me home with ALL the painkillers I was on in the hospital so I’ve stepped down from a lot and man, can I ever really feel it.

When I was in the hospital, what finally got the pain under control after the epidural was turned off was (oh and PS. I have no idea what I’ve written or even done in the last however many days because I am on heavy heavy drugs and I’m really only lucid sometimes):

– IV morphine as needed
– 4mg morphine every 4 hours
– 2 Percocets every 4 hours
– 18mg hydromorph contin every 8 hours

The nurses timed it so I was getting some type of pain medication every 2 hours.

Well. At home there’s no IV morphine and I didn’t think the little drug nazi pain management team was going to let me out of there with a prescription for run of the mill morphine, so I bargained to come home on the Percocets and the hydromorph and basically right now I can’t move because I am in so much more pain now than I was in the hospital yesterday.

When I came home yesterday afternoon, I pretty much had to immediately come home, change my clothes because it was so damn hot at home compared to the freezing hospital, and lay down.

I am crazy swollen. Most of my clothes don’t even fit. Definitely what I wore to the hospital wouldn’t have, not with these drains in place. Behold:


Yep. Two drains in my abdomen draining bloody fluid and tissue. Held in by stitches. Putting out about 100 ml of fluid per side each day.  They’re clipped to the front of my pants currently and they hang down like a giant pair of testicles when I walk. When I was in the hospital I wasn’t being careful enough and tugged on one pretty hard accidentally, it made an awful sound and it was an awful feeling. I figure if they’re right in front, I’m less likely to hurt myself with them.

I don’t know when we do dressing change. At the hospital they were doing it every other day, with the pad over one of my drains being changed daily. Cheryl was here this morning at 8:30am, but she just showed us how to empty the drains, told us to do it before bedtime and write down the amount that came out and then said she’d be back with further instructions tomorrow. If she’s going to do any kind of wound care in that bedroom, we’re going to have to get another lamp in there of some sort because she said it was too dark.

All I really did today was sleep and look at this Courtney Love Tumblr I found called FuckYeahCourtneyLove.com. That’s about the extent of my mental capacity on all these drugs. I can’t move a single milimeter so anything physical is out of the question, Blake is sleeping in the pull out couch in the living room even, if only to prevent himself from becoming tangled up by my giant testicles. We’ve finished watching Doctor Who and Community, and I truly can’t think of any other TV I want to see that’s not going to make me laugh (because laughing is unbelievably painful, blinding) so that’s out. So all I do is while Blake works (or is reminding me one of 9 times per 24 hours that it’s time to take drugs) I sleep or I do mindless crap on the internet and that’s all I did today. That’s all I’ll probably do tomorrow. Maybe if I feel like it I’ll share the results.

I’m in baaaaad shape. Blake says this is the most whole I’ve been in in a year and let me tell you that whole? Feels fucking baaaaaad. Now we have to go drain my drains. Yay.

May 17, 2012

Spring/Summer/Squam Clearance Sale!

So here’s the thing: I bought a new Digital Rebel for Squam last night because I couldn’t stand being the poor kid at rich kid art camp. It also happened to be on sale and with Blake’s employee discount, we got a really really good deal on it. I get a free lesson on how to use it whenever I choose to redeem that, I got 2 years warranty, an 8gb flash card and a camera case all for a much lower price than I would have gotten with Amazon (and with Amazon, I wouldn’t have gotten any of the extras.) Oh and I also get 125 free prints!

I haven’t used it yet, but all in all I’m pretty pleased with the purchase.

Of course now I have to pay for it though, which is fine, I do get a paycheque and can pay it off bit by bit, which was my original plan, but I’ve also decided to discount ALL of my paintings and ACEOs on Etsy to speed up the process and to also make room in my tiny house for all of the new stuff I’m working on. Most of the paintings have been discounted by more than $100 so make sure you take a look!

I’ve also lowered my ACEOs to $12 a piece, including shipping, and I’m probably not going to make more of them because they were such a pain in the ass to do the first time and I didn’t really enjoy the process at all.

So that’s that.

Yesterday was Madison’s 14th birthday and we went to the Mandarin, which is only the 2nd time I’d ever been to one. It was…weird. Buffets are just weird to me. Communal eating. I can’t say I’m a huge fan, to be perfectly honest, and I over-ate which I think is a thing for buffets and then I felt like garbage and I don’t think I’m going to be going to one of those again for a very long time. Too expensive, the food was just “okay” and the desserts were just kinda “meh” (although Blake thoroughly enjoyed his homemade waffles and ice cream).

After dinner we went to the mall to get my camera and after that we tried to do a cache in the parking lot of the mall but all signs point to its being muggled so we never found it. Bummer.

But that’s okay, despite feeling like barfing and everything, we all had a pretty good night, Madison had a good birthday (she got her badminton set yesterday morning so she was really happy) and I’ve got no complaints!

Today is a dressing change day so my nurse, Janice, is coming which is nice because since my wound isn’t as serious as it was before, I never get to see her. I get Cheryl instead. However Cheryl is getting laser eye surgery today so she’s not available.

It’s a strange relationship you have with these nurses. You’re thankful for them because you’d really be up shit creek without them but at the same time, you get really sick of seeing their faces because you want to be better already.

Next week, I think, I see the surgeon and hopefully she’ll have good news for me. When I had my CAT scan last week, they told me the pseudocysts on my pancreas had shrunk but they didn’t say by how much. I’m hoping it’s by a lot so I can get this final surgery out of the way. I worry about this surgery constantly because the recovery time for it is 8 weeks so if I have it like, RIGHT NOW, I would be more or less healed for our anniversary party in July but then if I have it the week after our anniversary party in July, then I’ll be just healed enough by the time Squam rolls around to be okay for that. If it can’t be fit in in between either of those windows, then I’m looking at the end of September, which is going to cause problems with my wound healing between now and then because of heat and moisture.

So like I said, hopefully Dr. Hanrahan will have good news for me because this started taking its toll on me a while ago and I’m just ready for this nightmare to be over. :o/

Lately I’ve been having nightmares about waking up in the hospital and being told that this whole thing happened again, that I’d missed another 2 months of my life that I don’t remember.  I wake up after these nightmares in a cold sweat, usually around 2am, and I have to come into my office to look at the date. The odds of it happening again are pretty slim, I’m told, so that’s good but still…

Okay I have half an hour left of work and then I’m putting my tired ass back in bed. Today’s a painting day, which I am greatly looking forward to because it feels like it’s been so long!

I hope you have a fantastic Thursday!

May 10, 2012

Hospital Part Deux

We got there at NOON and didn’t get home until right now (after stopping at the pharmacy because I’m crawling out of my skin due to Percocet and the grocery store to get Olivieri fresh ravioli for dinner because we had a buy one, get one free coupon woot!) Oh it’s, 5:47pm btw.

So my pseudocysts are not infected, which is what Dr. Hanrahan was worried about and my “amylase” (pancreatic juice blood stuff) was down to 62 and “normal” is between 30-110 U/L (which I guess is units by litre?) Yesterday it was 157. I guess that’s what a “pancreas attack” looks like as far as blood work.

The nurses were evil vampires from hell. They missed my veins a whole bunch of times so they poked me like literally 15 times in 3 different places. I was VERY brave though and didn’t cry. I wanted to. I cried a little once they left the room. But THEY DIDN’T BREAK ME. (It was 2 separate nurses even! WTF!)

So that’s what happened. Oh and my creatinine is 112 (normal is 46-92). That’s my kidney function. I have to look it up because I forget what it was last time, but I think that’s lower than before, which is good. Especially since today I wasn’t doing the best diet-wise. (Fritos for breakfast, McDonald’s hamburger and pretzels for lunch…doot doot doo…I swear I don’t eat like that all the time…) Urea was 8.8 (normal is 2.5-6.1 and I think that has something to do with the kidneys as well).

The doctor said my liver enzymes were high but I don’t know what those are on the test (I got a print out to take to Dr. Hanrahan when I see her next) and she said that’s probably normal for me because it was similar to yesterday’s test. My glucose was 7.6 (normal is 4.2-6.1) which has me a little worried because the pancreas, of course, is in charge of insulin and I didn’t really have anything sugary to eat today. I hadn’t even had more than 3 sips of diet Coke before the test (not sure if that raises blood sugar or not, I’m guessing not).

I don’t really know what the rest of the stuff on the test is so I won’t bother listing it all. The point is that my pancreas blood juice was well within the normal range, so that’s a very good thing. I am 100% totally fine (aside from the stuff that’s not fine, like my ugly, gross, herniated abdomen).

Our Nielsen scanner came yesterday! I’d totally forgotten with all the rush of stuff we did yesterday and all the sleeping I did because the morphine knocked me the fuck out! While Madison makes us dinner (we got garlic bread and red velvet cupcakes too because I am ONE YEAR SMOKE FUCKING FREE, PEOPLE! we are celebrating!) I’m going to download the software for it and set it all up and then teach everyone how to use it. From the looks of the booklet, it’s pretty straight forward.

I started working on a new girl yesterday while we started season 5 of Doctor Who. She’s going to have brown hair, brown eyes and a yellow and white dress. Her background is going to be yellow gold, cream and light yellow. And it’s going to have white, glittered daisies with orange centers! It is going to be a masterpiece! As for Doctor Who, I don’t think I like the new Doctor (11) and I really don’t think I care for Amy Pond. She’s cute and pretty, so I guess that’s a plus, and granted, I’ve only seen two episodes with her, (and him) but I’m not really liking the duo to be perfectly honest. I find him to be kind of a dick and not in an endearing way. I dunno, I’ll give it a fair shake and I like the show obviously so I’ll keep watching, maybe they get better, but those are my initial thoughts. I do find it interesting, as Blake pointed out, that with the episodes we’ve seen (maybe we saw 3, I forget), she’s “saved the day” each time. Not him.

So we’ll see.

Also as a present for being Smoke Free For An Entire Year Blake got me this month’s Martha Stewart magazine and on the front it has yellow and orange swirled meringue cookies! I LOVE MERINGUE COOKIES AND I LOVE YELLOW! So maybe I can get Madison to make those for me before it gets humid and you can’t make them anymore (because they’ll burn – it’s like, chemistry). The magazine also promises to give me party tips, so I could definitely use those since we’re having a party in July.

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say. I’m kind of fucking starving so I think it’s time to get this dinner thing on the go. Toodles!

PS. We did a cache at the hospital! It was inside one of the lights in the parking lot! Also our Sketchbook Project sketchbooks came yesterday too, so starting this weekend, me and the kids are going to start working on them! AND Blake and Wes got their 4 x 6 Exchange pieces of art yesterday too but I’m not going to post them until we all get them!  They were both pretty cool though! EXCLAMATION POINT!

PPS. It’s Madison’s 14th birthday in 10 days! If anyone planned on getting her anything, her wishlist is here!

« Previous entries Next Page » Next Page »