December 30, 2013

Oh, Carolina what you been fed?

Above is “Raspberry” by Grouplove, as recommended by Alex and Ronny during our friend post-Xmas/pre-2014 party yesterday. Ronny said he was reading something about them or about the album (Spreading Rumours, downloading now…) where the writer said they made the best Pixies song of the last 20 years. I couldn’t agree more. The Pixies are currently touring without Kim and have new material created without Kim and I’m sorry but no Kim, no deal. Pun intended! I listened to the first song they released without her but I thought it was garbage so I never bothered with the rest of it.

In other Pixies news, I Kickstarted a big Pixies coffee table book for Blake for Xmas like, almost a year ago now? And they said they’d deliver by Xmas but like, 3 or 4 days before Xmas, they sent out an e-mail saying “sorry, not until February…” and I was like, “GEE, THANKS FOR TELLING ME THAT A FEW DAYS BEFORE XMAS” because I only got Blake 2 things and that was one of them and it’s not easy for me to get out and get something else, also I don’t exactly have money to buy more things so that was a bummer.

I also Kickstarted the game “Stonehearth” because I thought Wes would like it and their delivery date for beta was supposed to be December 1st but they e-mailed and said they weren’t ready and that instead they were going to release “alpha 1” version of the game that is super bare bones and glitchy and you can’t save your game I think on Xmas Day. I haven’t bothered to download it yet because…

…for Xmas I got the 2 newest Sims expansions so now I have ultimate power!!!!!! (For someone who refuses to play with mods or custom content created outside the Sims Exchange.) I’ve spent the last 5 days creating my family and building my house. I’m about halfway finished the latter.

Xmas was good, everyone liked their presents and we had turkey and stuffing. Actually, Xmas Day, ALL I had was stuffing for dinner, then later on I had a turkey sandwich. The next day, Boxing Day, we went to my mom’s with my brother and there was a super creepy moment there where John and I said the same random thing at the exact same time, “this ham has the texture of cat food” and it was like we were one. My mother just about had kittens, it was so funny.

I talked to my brother a lot about his girlfriend. They’ve been together for 9 months, met on a dating site, she’s THIRTY (he’s 28 ooooooooooooh la la), she’s Croatian and then at the end of the night when we dropped my brother off, I got to meet her. She’s a giant! But then again so is my brother so that’s probably good. Anyway, she seemed alright in the 20 seconds I said “hi” and “bye”. In that 20 seconds I could tell she was leagues more mature than my brother, also good.

I am SO grateful that my coworker could fill in for my mornings on Boxing Day and Friday because Boxing Day was an early morning with having to pick my brother up (and we were running about 2 hours early because Blake and I had a miscommunication) and a late night for the same reason, so I would have been useless at 5am Friday morning for work.

Not doing anything for New Year’s Eve because I never do and I have to work in the morning BUT the Winter Classic game is in the afternoon so that’s definitely in the cards. Speaking of cards, Wes is like, a Cards Against Humanity savant. This was one of his contributions last night. He’s TEN.

I made my mom a painting for Xmas but it wasn’t finished until late Xmas night so I didn’t have an opportunity to take pics of it. Well, good pics anyway. I wasn’t happy with how it turned out but she liked it and that’s all that matters. In the new year I’m going to post what I made my Secret Satan but I think she’s going to be in high demand so I’m not going to post her until I have prints etc. set up in my Zazzle shop, pending the pics I took before I shipped her off to the US are good enough.

So yeah. Happy New Year if I don’t post before then!

December 24, 2013

Sounds of laughter, shades of life…

I guess I’ll start in order of things happening, although honestly I’m a little foggy on when I was told what, specifically, but that’s neither here nor there I guess.

Saturday night was Blake’s work Xmas party and I had taken the day off work to get my shit together, get there, stay there and come home in one piece. Well, I was successful. The theme of the party was “black & white” so I wore what I wore to Blake’s grama’s funeral and probably what I’ll wear to my grama’s funeral (in a weird coincidence…), which was a black tulle skirt with a black tulle flowy Free People-y dress/top thing, fishnets, Docs. Oh and I wore a floor length hoodie over top because it’s winter and I don’t care how well heated a building may be, I’m probably going to be cold.

Right before we left, Blake said something like, “your grama fell last night and she’s in the hospital, but she’s okay” and well, she has brain tumours so it’s obvious why she fell but what does that mean? But since it didn’t seem immediate, I just kept getting ready and figured my mom would tell me the next day that my grama broke her hip or something “not serious”.

The party was okay. We hung out with our friends Charissa and Gary, which was cool. A bunch of people came up to Blake and he introduced me to them but I couldn’t tell you what a single one’s name was or even what they looked like. I just smiled and nodded and played with my phone (which, Blake’s work being a telecomm, was perfectly okay). The food was not my thing. They started us with squash soup (barf) and salad that both looked and smelled weird so I didn’t eat that either. The main course was a small steak with fake grill marks (which I ate) and a piece of chicken that Blake says comes from some frozen food company (did not eat). And roast potatoes (did eat) and green beans (didn’t eat). Dessert was a chocolate mousse and/or cheesecake thing that I tried to like but it was just texturally weird so I left most of it on my plate. There were prizes. Charissa won a phone (all I know is that it’s Android, whereas she’s a Blackberry holdout)  and Blake won a stuffed panda to add to my collection. His work has animal mascots that swap out every now and then and right now it’s pandas, probably trying to capitalize on the fact that The Toronto Zoo has two brand new ones. Anyway, I have most, if not all of the mascot plushies, from the last 8 years. So that was cool. There were also light-up fake ice cubes at each of our place settings with the name of the party on them. After dessert, they announced dancing was going to start and as if on cue fucking Blurred Lines came on, which was funny because I told Blake earlier that week that I bet I’d hear it at LEAST once while we were there and it was the first thing the DJ played. Hilarious. That was our cue to exit so we left and came home.

On Sunday I think John texted Blake or there was some sort of silent communication that it was okay to tell me that my grama had fallen because one of the tumours in her brain had started bleeding and that she was at St. Mike’s, the big scary Toronto hospital, the ICU of which I spent a month in, having undergone brain surgery to fix the bleed. The finer details I found out yesterday from my mom in an e-mail. I guess my grama fell and pressed her Life Alert button to get help, so it’s a g0od thing she had that or who knows what might have happened.

After surgery she was in the ICU but could remember her name and the answers to all the questions they asked her so she was a-okay. Still has terminal brain and lung cancer, but isn’t going to die of a slow brain bleed at this stage of the game. So that’s good. And my mom just e-mailed me to say that my grama’s being moved to the less scary hospital closer to home so while she won’t be out for Christmas, she’ll be more easily accessible by everyone she’d normally spend Christmas with.

Last week or the week before when Blake, my mom and I were hashing out plans to get together for “Christmas” (which is happening on Boxing Day, just as it has been for most of my life), I asked my mom if she had invited my brother and his girlfriend and she casually mentioned that my brother had not been replying to her e-mails but that they were both invited if I wanted to ask them.

MINEFIELD!

So I hummed and hawed and dragged my feet and had started a conversation with my brother about random things last week but I was sort of dancing around the whole Christmas conversation because if he’s not answering my mom’s e-mails (and based on some things he said to me a few weeks ago), then I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever it is he’s mad at her for this time. Things are going good between me and my brother so I didn’t exactly want to rock what can often be an extremely volatile boat! But yesterday my mom e-mailed my brother about my grama with the subject line “important” and cc’d me on it, so I texted him to check his e-mail. He went into action mode and asked what he could do.

I don’t know what my mom answered (she doesn’t “reply all”, which is super annoying but you get used to it) but that’s when I asked him via text if he and his girlfriend wanted to come to mom’s on Boxing Day if we picked him up and brought him home. He waited a while before he replied and he wanted to make sure it was not an inconvenience. LOL We live 2 hours away from both him AND our mom and our car can only sit 5 people including the driver and we’re 4, so no, not an inconvenience AT ALL, Chad…but no, I promised him it wasn’t a problem and that Blake had made the offer ages ago (which is true and my brother and I had talked about in like, Sept.) and it was all good. So he said that he would be coming but that his girlfriend had to work. I felt like I’d won a marathon. I was totally expecting him to go off on me about our mother about whatever was eating him to not reply to her e-mails but he didn’t and he was gonna set aside his shit so we could all support my mom while her mom’s in the hospital having her last Christmas, so that was awesome.

The only thing I was worried about was the fact that I have to work tomorrow, Boxing Day and the next day, which would have been fine if it was just us, but with picking my brother up and dropping him off, we’re adding 4 extra hours onto the day. BUT! Since I worked Black Friday and will be working tomorrow morning for her, a coworker has agreed to do my mornings Boxing Day and Friday so we can start earlier and end later. Hooray! Total life saver!

Then on Sunday we’re having “friend Xmas” with Ronny, Alex, Deanna, her boyfriend Bradley and Madison’s girlfriend Ramona whom I don’t know at all. Much Cards Against Humanity will be played. Pizza will probably be eaten (unless Madison and I can find anything worth making on the Pinterests before then). Drinks will probably be had by those in the room who brought them.

And THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN on New Year’s Day it’s the Winter Classic game between Toronto (yay!) and Detroit (also yay! but also booooo!) and I got myself a fancy Winter Classic jersey with part of my Xmas bonus just for the occasion. After I’m finished writing this post, I intend to write Ronny and Alex an e-mail inviting them over to watch the game. Ronny’s from Militiagan, he’s got a horse in this race. Blake’s from Militiagan too but loving the Leafs was just part of our vows and that is whose jersey he shall be sporting on the day of the big event. Truthfully though, I really like Detroit and always have so while I obviously want our team to win, honestly it’s just cool to be playing each other on New Year’s Day in an outdoor venue. I am fucking stoked.

And I think that’s probably all I got in me for the time being. I hope everyone who celebrates has a Merry Christmas tomorrow and to everyone else, enjoy your movie and Chinese food!

September 23, 2013

I cut my teeth on wedding rings…in the movies…

It is SOOOOOOO cold today!!!! And all weekend!!!! Blake turned on the FURNACE this morning, which I normally refuse to do until November but jesus fucking christ, it was like, 2 degrees this morning. So fuck that, the furnace came on.

This weekend was the studio tour and it was pretty uneventful. I cried like a baby before it started on the first day but got over it.

I had a good time hanging out with Rose and Carol, the artists who shared the space at the library with me, because they’re both very cool people, but we didn’t have that many visitors. Like 32 I think the first day and I’m not sure the second day. More the second day for sure, but not by much. I sold 4 greeting cards. Got lots of compliments on my paintings, lots of questions and people taking business cards but no buyers. One guy took a card and said, “I’ll think about it” so I dunno what that meant other than the apparent.

I had a real live trollop of a woman come up to my part of the room and was like, asking all of these really specific questions about my process and about the paintings and telling me I should do this and I should do that and I should sell my greeting cards at cost “just to get your name out there” and you could tell that she was trying to figure out how to make the paintings herself (good luck) and subtly trying to get me to lower my prices on my cards. And she was around for like, god, a good 45 minutes between all of us but mostly at my tables making me crazy. Finally she left and I was pretty relieved because she was really intense.

But mostly? I sat at our table and drew pictures for my colouring book and smiled at people as they walked by. I’m just not good at selling. I mean I know what I have to do to sell things and it’s just not in me. I’m not an extrovert.

I knew I wouldn’t sell any paintings. I figured I’d sell at least a few of my small items (I had greeting cards, buttons and ACEOs) and I did and that was cool & all but I don’t think I’m going to do this again next year. It was a LOT of work and a lot of money (to me) for not much return. So fuck it, I tried and it’s not my thing.

Moving right along…

My brother and I are friends again on Facebook. He encouraged me yesterday when I posted a picture of my setup on Facebook (which was a crappy pic so I’m not bothering to post it here), so that was good. My mom told me he and his dad and his girlfriend didn’t get the apartment they were hoping to move into October 1st. So that sucks for them. :o/

My mom and John and Chris came to the tour yesterday which is how I know about the apartment falling through.

At the end of the tour yesterday, Deanna and her new boyfriend came over. Deanna is awesomesauce, as always, unsure about the boyfriend. Time will tell, I suppose.

I’m really nervous about this macro class and kinda want Blake to get his money back before it’s too late to do so. I don’t know when that date is but it’s probably soon considering the class starts next month. It may even already be too late. It’s just gonna be late and it’s gonna be hard and I think you even get a GRADE for the class, which freaks me right the fuck out and I don’t think I can do it. But maybe I should try? I dunno. A small part of me is this fearless Amazon warrior woman and the rest of me is…soft and squishy and prone to tears.

Soooooo yeah…

Anyway, that’s all I have to report. Have a lovely Monday!

May 23, 2013

Come On Just Let’s Go

“Agoraphobe” is not a word. I’m not really sure why but it’s not in the dictionary and I’ve never heard a mental health professional use it. Also did you know that it’s NOT pronounced a-gore-a-pho-bee-ah? It’s actually pronounced aggro-pho-bee-ah, go figure, but I’ve literally only heard my shrink and dictionary pronunciation guides say it that way. In movies and on TV they always say it THE WAY IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE TO.

Right now it’s 2:25pm. I don’t know what time it’ll be by the time you read this but right now it’s 2:25pm and I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to leave the house since about 11am. Initially the plan was to walk into town at noon to go to Alma’s Cafe and have fries and gravy for lunch. The walk would have taken me about 10 minutes. Maybe 12. Not 15. I have $22 in my bank account but I can’t use my bank card because Madison lost it so I’d have to put fries and gravy and a pop – about $6.50 with tip, I’m guessing (but I’m bad at guessing these things) – on Visa.

I’m trying to think of a good analogy for my thought process on days like today but I can’t really think of one. Maybe you can if I explain it well enough.

The idea always seems so simple.

1. Walk into town. (Issue: construction workers everywhere.)

2. Go to Alma’s where I’ve been 50 times. (Easy peasy.)

3. Order fries and gravy which I’ve had there probably half of those times. (Difficulty level depends on who’s there and who’s working.)

4. Eat. (Not an issue. Used to be an issue; I used to be scared that people were watching me eat and thinking that someone as fat as me shouldn’t be eating whatever it is I’m eating. Now there are no fucks to give. Hoes gotta eat too.[Bonus points if you get that reference.])

5. Pay. (Big issue. Who pays for fries and gravy with a credit card? It’s almost literally the cheapest thing on the menu. They’re going to think I can’t afford to eat. And the tip. What if I don’t put in enough? What if I put in too much? Less of a deal, obviously, but then what if they expect big tips all the time?)

6. Walk home. (Issue: construction workers everywhere.)

And see this right here is why Twitter is a much better medium for me sometimes because I get instant feedback. I get an instant cheering section. I get an instant influx of troubleshooting and ideas. Now that it’s 2:43pm I’ve already decided not to go but if I’d have tweeted about my issues all day instead of doing other things, I may have gone.

Now that it’s 2:44pm, I can’t go because it’ll take me 12 minutes to walk there, 5 minutes for the waitress to come to my table after I sit down, 12 minutes to get my food, 15 minutes (?) to eat, 6 minutes to pay. That’s 50 minutes which has me exiting Alma’s at 3:35pm. The kids get out of school at 3:20pm which means I’m going to be sharing the walk home with a bunch of obnoxious grade schoolers. I think Madison gets out of school at 3:35 and it would be awesome to be able to text her and tell her to walk home with me but she has a job after school walking her art teacher’s daughter from the elementary school to the high school and she often doesn’t get to leave until 4pm because the kid wants to play or be annoying or whatever.

Anyway, let’s get back to the beginning. I started my day at 4:30am. I forget what I did between 4:30am and 5am when I started work, besides check e-mail, but since today is Thursday I only had to work until 7am so as soon as my shift was done, I went back to bed. I woke up at 8:45-ish, looked at the clock, turned over and went back to sleep. At 9:20am I heard Madison in the hallway having a fit about something which was weird because Madison should have been at school but she was home sick yesterday so maybe she stayed home again today. No, she slept in. By like, an hour and a half. And she was freaking out on the phone to her father so he could call her in late since I was sleeping. What she was really freaking out over though was her french project had to be presented today and she slept through her allotted morning computer time so she couldn’t print out her story. Blake was still driving to work so he couldn’t edit her permissions so long story short, I woke up, edited her permissions so she could print out her story, which she did but she took so long STRAIGHTENING HER ALREADY STRAIGHT HAIR which is totally what you do when you’re almost 2 HOURS late for school, that she missed french class and will have to present another day. (This probably won’t affect her mark.)

So that was my morning. Madison was out of the house by 10am and walked to school in the rain.

The rain ended around 11am and that’s when I got this fries & gravy idea stuck in my head. I wish I knew where these ideas came from because they are really fucking stressful and I’ve already had a really really terrible mental health week.

So I have to psych myself up for leaving the house by myself (and other times with other people, but not as often and not to the same extent) so my gameplan was to wash my hair and give myself an hour to work up the courage to first get dressed and pack my bag and then walk past all those construction workers. I wasn’t completely committed to this plan though, which is why I did not take any clonazepam/klonopin. I probably should have because that’s what it’s there for. I don’t know why I didn’t. I think I was afraid of wasting it by taking some and then not going, especially when I feel like the stuff is becoming less and less effective.

I went into the bathroom and peed and in doing so I spotted the empty box of hair dye that Madison left open on the counter. After peeing, I went to pick up the box to recycle it and that’s when I realized it wasn’t empty. Splat dye comes with bleach AND dye but Madison hated the bleaching process when we did it the first two times to lighten her hair enough to take the turquoise dye so much that she refuses to ever bleach her hair again. Since then  we’ve bought 4 boxes of Splat dye where the bleach wasn’t used. So I started looking at my roots in the mirror, made worse by the fact that I hadn’t washed my hair in a while, and decided that bleaching my hair would be a wonderful way to pass the time since I had to wash my hair either way and by not bleaching it today, I was only prolonging my awful combination of about 3/4 of an inch of ash blonde roots, then light pink that faded down the length of my hair to pure white (which actually looks really cool when the effect first starts but looks like hell after about a month) by at least 3 days.

I slapped on the bleach, set a timer and internetted while also going through the steps of leaving the house over and over in my head. I knew that once I was dressed and I was standing on the sidewalk I wouldn’t turn back, but it’s getting on the sidewalk that’s the main problem. Once I’m to the park a block from my house, my anxiety goes from 100% to a manageable 60% and that’s when I’d usually pop 2 Ativan under my tongue to bring it down further.

When my hair was ready to rinse, it was about 11:45am and I was starting to panic because my self-imposed deadline was only 15 minutes away and because my hair was wet (and I have a hair dryer, I just don’t use it for hair because my hair’s damaged enough), I wouldn’t be able to leave. But if I’m being completely honest, that was probably an excuse. The truth is that I bleached my hair to begin with to set up this situation. If I’d have just washed my hair, my hair would have been mostly dry by noon and I wouldn’t have had an excuse not to leave. I sabotage myself like this all the time and it’s like I have two people inside me, one who wants to go and one who doesn’t want to go and the asshole one is constantly being an asshole to ruin the other guy’s good time. It’s not like a CONSCIOUSLY thought “hey if I bleach my hair at 11am I won’t be able to go by noon”, this shit just happens.

So I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to leave by noon which causes more stress because now you’re a FAILURE.

I sat here and cried a little bit and then started the “it’s not too late to go” line of thinking (oh sure, NOW I take the clonazepam because writing this post is stressing me the fuck out). So I extended by deadline to 1pm. If I left by 1pm I would be home by 2:05pm, roughly. Hell, I could leave as late as 2:15pm and be well home by the time the kids even got out of school.

But that saboteur in my brain started working on me pretty hard, which you only really realize in hindsight, and I decided that my simple idea needed to be expanded upon. I decided that maybe I’d see if Brian wanted to go get fries & gravy too.

Maybe you already see why this was probably the worst thought I could have had today…

Brian is a new friend who I don’t really know all that well but I thought that since I didn’t get that sick feeling in my stomach when I was alone with him for 5 minutes, maybe I could be alone with him for 20 minutes. And get fries & gravy, which, is not without precedent. Last week Brian – who is a cartoonist – had a table set up at Jack’s On Queen, the comic book shop in town, and was drawing comics there so Blake and I went in to see how he was doing. It was the end of the day so I proposed that we go across the street to Alma’s for fries & gravy. So we did and we had a lovely time.

Anyway, I took my simple plan, best illustrated with a straight piece of string, and turned it into a cat’s cradle.

The plan now was more like this:

1. Contact Brian and see if he’d want to go. (Anxiety 110% because I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone but my own family to do anything with me ever. I don’t have friendS, plural, I have like, A friend (hi Alex! Okay Ronny & Deanna too) and I’ve never asked her to do anything with me without Blake. Also I’ve known her for 8 years so you can’t even compare her to Brian. I haven’t had a friend who lived in the same town as me since high school. Rejection wouldn’t have bothered me, then I just go back to my simple plan. But what happens if he can’t leave for an hour or whatever and that wrecks my whole window of opportunity? I can’t really be like “hey do you want to do this thing?” and then be like, “nope, sorry, can’t. Crazy.”)

2. If he wanted to go, walk to Brian’s house. (Issue: construction workers everywhere. Possible complication: what if he’s not ready?)

3. Talk about random stuff on the way to Alma’s. (But what? Is it rude to ask someone what meds they’re on? I mean that completely seriously.)

4. Go to Alma’s. (Easy.)

5. Order. (Harder in front of a stranger.)

6. Talk about random stuff while we wait for our food. (But what?)

7. Eat. (Now an issue because now I’m not only eating in front of a stranger but I have to also keep talking to them and what happens if he finishes first because I’m a slow eater? Or what happens if I finish first?)

8. Pay. (Still a big issue for all the same reasons, amplified by the fact that now there will be TWO people watching me use the debit machine/putting fries & gravy on Visa.)

9. Walk Brian home. (And what if we run out of things to talk about?)

10. Walk to my house. (Construction workers.)

 

I am SO raw. I am a very very raw person. What I mean by that is that my moods and emotions are always just below the surface and they are fierce in either direction. It is SO easy to make me cry. I’m convinced most of the time that even the people who claim to like me probably really hate me. Even my body is sensitive. I wear hoodies in the summer so there’s more insulation between me and the rest of the world because certain textures will make me want to crawl out of my skin. I avoid socks like the plague because I haaaaaaaaaaaate how they feel. (Although I have THE BEST pair of knit socks an LJ friend made me a few years ago that I love in the winter.)

Anyway, I’m losing focus here because Wes just came home…I just feel like I need to take so many classes to learn how to do simple things. No one laughs when you’ve been in an accident and need physical therapy to learn how to walk again but people sure think you’re weak and pathetic if you have to go to therapy to learn how to function in society.

I basically tortured myself all day and now I feel like an absolute failure. I suppose I could try again tomorrow. And at least this time I’d be starting with clean hair. I guess we’ll see what happens.

December 17, 2012

Murder, Murder, Murder! Kill, Kill, Kill!

Last week we asked our guild master to give us access to the guild bank because our guild is sort of non-functional and up until yesterday our family were the only active members. So our GM cleared tabs 1 and 4, but left some useful high level items in one of the tabs for us just because he’s nice and Blake and I had spent all last week putting stuff in it.

Well Blake went to put some stuff in it the other day and there was NOTHING left in there! So he was like “wtf?” and asked me if I went on an auction house spree or something and I said no and he asked Madison and she said no so we figured we’d have to ask our GM what happened because we honestly had no idea.

So yesterday Madison and I were running Gnomer with our GM and I mentioned the guild bank and asked him if he knew what happened. So he hops on an alt and looks at the bank logs…Wes’ character withdrew everything one day. WHAT!? I thought Blake was going to eat the poor kid alive. Wes didn’t know the guild bank existed and thought this was stuff that was somehow put in her personal bank. So Blake asked him what happened to all the stuff from the bank and Wes said he sold it. Well, he didn;t even sell it at the auction house, he VENDORED all of it! So Blake was like, “you have to put the gold you made from selling all that stuff back in the guild bank” and Wes was like, “I can’t…”

As it turns out, he bought gingerbread cookies for 25g at the auction house for a Christmas quest. *facepalm* I suppose I should mention that he IS only 9 and no one explained to him about the guild bank, but still…ugh.

Luckily like I said, we’re really the only ones using it so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he’s now been told that he can’t touch anything in the guild bank unless he asks first from now on.

After that was cleared up, I drove the whole family to Wal*Mart in Wasaga Beach and had a bit of an issue because I didn’t get into the right lane soon enough so we could turn into the parking lot, which I normally do but for some reason I thought that lane was a turn lane so I just messed up, but I didn’t panic and got us over and everything was fine. My parking job was pretty terrible but not as bad as a lot of the cars around us so I didn’t feel too bad about it.

I went around the store with Wes to help him pick out presents for Blake and Madison and I think we were pretty successful. Blake went around with Madison to look at other things. Then Wes and I went through the checkout by ourselves which was nerve-wracking but I made it through and then I drove us home.

When we got home, the kids vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom because we’re having company today and then I started bleaching Madison’s hair while Blake started dinner. While her hair was bleaching, we started watching Mirror  Mirror, which was cute but blah (Wes enjoyed it though), and then it was time to eat. We had peameal, peas and scalloped potatoes.

After dinner, it was time to rinse Madison’s hair and since her hair is so dark, it ended up pretty yellow so I’m worried the turquoise dye is going to end up green when we get to that stage (yellow + blue = what now?) but she doesn’t care and doesn’t want to bleach it again and she seems pretty happy with her hair the way it is, so without further ado, here she is:

(This pose was a JOKE.)

I really wish this one wasn’t blurry. :o/

Madison in her natural habitat doing what is second nature.

I absolutely hate it and wish she wouldn’t have done it, but it’s her hair, her body and she can do whatever she pleases with it I guess. Blake thinks at 14, you’re supposed to have stupid hair, we both did, so we can’t really be hypocrites now. And like I said, she loves it and thinks it’s the greatest thing she’s ever done so as long as she’s happy…

Anyway, that’s all I have to report. This afternoon Deanna, Alex & Ronny are coming over for our annual Xmas party so I’m hoping Cards Against Humanity gets here today. Blake’s going to be checking the mail in about 15 minutes. *fingers crossed*

Peace oot.

PS. Those pics were my first time using a flash, do they look okay? I used tungsten white balance with the tungsten filter on the flash and the pics were pretty yellow so I cooled them down in Lightroom a bit.

September 26, 2012

Photo Ideas

While my files convert to DNG files, I’ve been writing down ideas for pics I would like to see or try to take, eventually…some ideas are harder to do than others both because they’re just plain harder and I don’t have the stuff to do it or I just plain old don’t have the lady balls to get it done. Here’s what I have so far, if anyone has any other ideas, lemme know (and yes, I realize some of these are pretty obvious):

~ Me & the dogs with the remote (where? kitchen? best light. living room couch? best background. office futon? best dog colours.) Not candids, frameable portraits!

~ Madison on a warm, sunny day maybe in Feb/March in the snow, in a fur-lined sweater. Blue sky, rosy cheeks.

~Sunny day, family, beach in *winter*.

~ Stormy day, beach in *fall*, family.

~ Geocaching in the woods in fall when the leaves have turned. Mostly Wes. Candids.

~ Spring/summer, the kids on the trail to Bishop Park. Candids.

~ Beach day in the summer. Family. Me too but I dunno how we’d do that without the camera getting stolen and us looking like assholes in front of everyone. :o/ Tiny Beaches may be better for this. Maybe Balm Beach. Candids and portraits.

~ DOGS w/Blake on the beach, running. Dunno what this one would look like or how it would be possible since dogs aren’t allowed on the beach. Also need an empty beach.

~ Madison in flowy, white Free People slip in the field (or *A* field) in the summer w/jeans & sandals. For god’s sake child, don’t cut your hair!

~ Pics of the outside and inside of Dino’s in Midland.

~ OF COURSE, one day, if I ever get brave enough, pics of women’s underwear and shoes beneath the doors in public bathrooms. I am obsessed with this idea and one day it will happen.

~ Alex & Ronny @ the waterfront in Barrie.

~ Alex & Ronny in the woods in fall, when the leaves have changed.

~ Group photo session of our family, Alex & Ronny, Deanna & Charlie aka “the gang”. Dunno where yet but this needs to happen.

~ Kids @ Bishop Park having a picnic. Madison in a dress, possibly the white one I wore to our anniversary if I can get her to stfu and wear the fucking thing and Wes in …I dunno yet. Will need to buy or borrow a picnic basket. May need mom’s help with food/plate styling.

~ Kids in the BACK field on a grey day in the fall. Super desolate. Dunno what to make them wear yet. Probably dressy clothes. Maybe Blake too. Downside to this is wind. But maybe that could be good?

~ My cousin Haylie and her horse Sierra in her new horsey home next year that backs onto 3 conservation areas. The issue here would be getting me there because I think it’s about 2 & a half hours away. BUT their new house has a pool for the kids and a hot tub for my Blake (Haylie’s boyfriend is also named Blake and is the same age as my Blake, so this could get confusing) so he’d definitely drive us all there for the shoot. Honestly now that Haylie and I have talked about it, I think I’m the most excited for this one. I really hope to have one of the lenses on my wishlist by then though.

And that’s all I have so far. What would YOU like to see?

PS. Does anyone know of a blog I linked a REALLY REALLY long time ago, like probably over 5 or 6 years ago, of a girl who had just started taking pictures herself, but who took pictures of horses and flowing water (long exposure) in Iceland? I’ve been googling all afternoon and can’t find who I’m thinking of. She also had a little boy and took really nice portraits of him. He’d probably be a little older than Wes by now.

August 30, 2012

Correction: He’s Just Not Innocent

So I don’t know if any of you say Blake and Alex’s comments on my Live Journal post yesterday, but this is what they said about BJ Henderson, rapist from Elmvale, Ontario, getting off on Alex’s sexual assault charge:

“I just wanted to clarify for everyone that the case wasn’t thrown out. What happened was that the crown attorney reviewed the case with Lexi and Ronny and realized that there was no chance of getting a conviction, so they withdrew the charges. What this means is that there won’t be a judge stating that he is innocent. The evidence is completely circumstantial. Not even Lexi got a good look at him when it happened. And by stating that he came into the house without anyone noticing and did this unobserved basically proves that anyone can come into the house without anyone noticing and do this unobserved. The reality is that everyone KNOWS who did it, but it can’t be proven. It’s really sucks ass, but that’s how it works.” – Blake

I was not in that conversation when it happened. Or if I was my mind was blanking on the fact that we lost.

This is what Alex said in response to Blake’s comment:

“Yep, this. And yeah, the judge had nothing to do with the decision, it was the crown attorney who didn’t think it would be a wise move to proceed. It still sucks but I’d rather it be this way than have it declared that he’s innocent when he really fucking isn’t.

And on the sort of plus side, at least I didn’t have to sit in front of the asshole and testify for nothing. Sitting in that court room was one of the things I’ve been dreading the most since it happened. I obviously still would have done it if I had to, but I’m honestly sort of relieved I didn’t have to live through that. At least there’s record of it, I guess.

The thing that does suck the most is if/when this happens again to someone else. But hopefully, being such a small town where word can travel fast, it can still be avoided. :o/ ” – Alex

I don’t really know anyone in this town, to be perfectly honest, but we told the dentist that we’d been subpoenaed and if the ladies there ask me why when I see them next and they more than likely will, I’m going to flat out tell them. And it’ll go from there, believe me.  This is a very small town.

Plus there’s the fact that every time I tell people this story online, and I’m going to, there’s a new witness to his crime. And whether or not that matters to you, it matters to me. And it gives me satisfaction and it perfectly legal too. Am I worried he’s going to sue me? HELL NO. The cop said, “They know he’s a rapist, we know he’s a rapist and you know he’s a rapist but…” when he was explaining what happened in the courtroom so if he’s using that word to describe BJ Henderson who is the person we’re talking about here, then I have no problem with it either. He was never declared innocent. We just couldn’t prove it without a shadow of a doubt. Which is ridiculous, but it’s the way things work so innocent people don’t also go to jail. We knew he wasn’t innocent, because he’s a rapist, all parties involved, so Alex withdrew the charges as not to have the judge have no other choice but to deterimine he was innocent according to the laws of Ontario, Canada.

But it is on record. When the cops run his plates if he’s ever speeding and they pull him over and pull him up in their computers, there’s going to be a record of a rape charge. Or something like that, I don’t know the legal wording. But it’ll be there on his criminal record. If a girl ever accuses him of rape again, he’ll have to be in police custody again until the hearing because obviously he has a problem controlling himself in public, just as he was during this whole ordeal.

Someone on Facebook who was angry and shouldn’t have said this, but I understand the inclination to let your mind “go there”, said something like, “Maybe CAS should know what “daddy” does in his spare time?” CAS is the underfunded Children’s Aid Society and they are Ontario’s version of CPS or whatever your underfunded state child welfare group happens to be. And that would be a terrible thing because you don’t know what’s going on in his family right now because of this. I mean, they know this is not the first time he’s been charged with this. “They” being his parents, who he lives with with his 6 year old son. “They” also being his son’s mother who has been described to me as an “oxy-head” but in my mind, an “oxy-head” would be better than a rapist, but that’s just me.

Anyway, maybe they can handle what’s in the best interest of the child? And then if they can’t? Let the mother or the grandparents of this child call CAS themselves. “We” should not get involved with that. Yes, BJ without his son would apparently be “heartbroken” but so what? Not our problem. Good. I say. And yes his son without BJ would also be “heartbroken” but kids adapt. And we don’t know if his parents might kick him out but keep the kid or maybe this will be the thing that gets the mom custody, we don’t know. And yeah, maybe things will stay as they were before all this, we don’t know, but still it’s none of our business and we don’t know what’s in the best interest of the child. And you don’t use a child as a weapon.

At the same time, I’ve been thinking about it since that comment was made and I’m betting CAS is already involved if he had sole custody but was in jail. They would have checked in to make sure the kid was being cared for and stuff.

Another thing that is none of our business is the other 2 rape charges he’s up against. Alex doesn’t want to hear about them or talk about them, so I’m not going to post about them. I’m going to keep my hear to the ground and hopefully hear the details but I won’t be posting about them or telling Alex about them unless she asks. Those women and victims too and they deserve their privacy. We can freely talk about Alex’s case because she’s fine with that she said, but we have no business talking about their cases in a public forum.

So I’m not gonna without permission.

I think we’re all just glad it’s over. Now it’s time to move on. I know that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but I’m still just in this total daze right now. I see my shrink tomorrow, for the first time in a long time, and I think we have some things to talk about.

And that’s all I really wanted to say.

August 29, 2012

We Lost.

We all got there at 8:30am and waited around outside for the cop (Scott) who was the same cop who took all our statements when the assault actually happened, to tell us it was time to go into the courtroom. So after about an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours, he said it was time, so we went downstairs in the courthouse and waited on chairs and benches  outside of courtroom 7, which was where the hearing was to take place.

Eventually Ronny and Alex were called into the courtroom and they were in there for maybe 10 or 15 minutes and then they came out with Scott. We all huddled in front of the courtroom and Scott explained that the judge threw the case out due to lack of evidence and lack of witnesses. No one saw BJ Henderson actually assault Alex and there was reasonable doubt that it could have been some OTHER stranger who came into our house and did it. Because yeah, that’s totally fucking plausible.

So that’s the end of it. We lost. None of us even testified.

Alex and Ronny were invited to stay while they sentenced him on the breech of probation charge, but they declined and that’s when they and Scott came out to where we were. I can’t imagine they’ll give him more probation for breeching probation so I’d assume he’ll be spending more time in jail for that.

After court we were all a bit of a mess, but we went to Fran’s, which is a big diner, and we all had breakfasty type foods and talked about pretty much everything but the trial that never was. Alex and I shared a strawberry margarita. I had steak and eggs.

BJ Henderson is supposedly up for at least 2 other charges of rape and I hope with every fiber of my being that those girls nail his ass to the wall. We  We know who one is, we don’t know who the other one is. Jen has her ear to the ground though and we should know the outcome of those cases as they happen.

After Fran’s, Blake and Jen and I went to the Kozlov Centre to pick up my new glasses (just new lenses in old frames) and have them adjusted meanwhile, Deanna and Lucas went back to our house to get their stuff packed up and ready to go by the time we got there. Plus they wanted to hang out a bit.

Oh yeah, Jen & I went into a photo booth. Note my stupid “bangs” that happened as a result of all my hair falling out last year when I was really sick and this is what happens when it starts growing back:

When we got home, Deanna happened to mention that she’d brought her bathing suit and I had a shower yesterday (and changed my dressing all by myself, thank you very much) and my “wound” is totally closed over so while Cheryl hasn’t technically cleared me for swimming, I was 99% sure it was okay so Deanna, Jen, me and the kids all went to Wasaga Beach.

It was cold though. And windy. And I didn’t understand the parking ticket machine so I accidentally paid for a whole day’s parking ($14) instead of a 2 hour pass ($5.25) which sucks because I only have like, $30 to my name. I felt horrible being there and thinking about Alex all by herself at home probably really upset about what happened today and Ronny worked last night so he had to go to bed pretty much right when they got home because he was dead on his feet at the courthouse so Alex would be dealing with all this alone (in my head, anyway, I don’t know what the reality was) and I just couldn’t enjoy myself there thinking my best friend was in pain.

So after about an hour, with only about 5 minutes of that being me actually in the water, we came home. Then Deanna and Lucas went home and now here I sit.

Oh and that’s the other thing about court: the restraining order. All of us are on it and Ronny had the forethought to add my kids to the list too. If BJ Henderson, rapist, comes within X amount of feet of us, he goes to jail. Adding the kids was extra important, moreso than Ronny even realized, because all last year, my kids walked home with him and his son Logan, who is in kindergarten and they all became friends. Madison made the connection when I showed the kids his Facebook page to tell them to stay away from this man because he’s dangerous and really hurt Alex. Madison maintains he’s a really good dad, or at least she did at the time. Who knows what he’s teaching his kid behind closed doors though.

So that was our “day of justice”. I’ve taken 2 klonopin today, as well as 6 Ativan and I’m still a wreck. (My “norm” is one klonopin at bedtime and 2 Ativan like, maybe once a week before a work meeting or something. Which I happen to have tomorrow. Joy.)

Anyway, I think Jen’s going to be staying with us for the next few days, so that’ll be good. It’ll be nice to have a friend around.

And that’s all I have in me today. I hope your day was better than ours.

August 28, 2012

We go to court tomorrow morning.

For those new to my blog, this is why. The only thing I really have to add to my original post is that he’s been in police custody since it happened and that he’s up on 2 other prior rape charges. If we don’t put him in jail, one of those women will. There’s no way he can be that lucky. The other charge he’s being charged with in our case is basically breech of probation for being at our house at 5am. And that one’s indisputable so at least he’ll probably serve some time for that. Oh and he was on probation to begin with because he was charged with sexual assault a third time.

Tonight Jen, Diego, Deanna and Lucas are sleeping over because they don’t live here. Ronny and Alex live in Barrie so they’re right near the courthouse, relatively speaking. Kara and Heatha are driving in from the city in the morning. Unfortunately I have to get up at 4am to work until 8am. :o/ Then out the door by 8:30am to be at the courthouse by 9am.

So yeah…pass the Klonopin and Ativan.

Posted at 5:59 pm in: Alex , Anniversary , Blake , Deanna , Diego , Friends , Heatha , Jen , Kara , Ronny , Summer , Sunnyland
August 14, 2012

The Spoon Theory

Someone on Pinterest, Bella Bellini I believe, pinned this meme called “fuck yeah bipolar owl” on Tumblr and I’ve been reading it all night and reading the best ones out to Blake and posting them on twitter because for obvious reasons, a lot of them pertain to me.

On that Tumblr, they answer a lot of questions from people about bipolar disorder and someone made reference to “The Spoon Theory” so they linked to it. Well, the link was dead but I googled and found the original article. Here it is. It’s actually about a woman living with lupus but even she says that her theory could apply to anyone with a disability, especially with an invisible disability because people understand those less.

(And actually in looking back at the Tumblr, Bella actually made the meme about the spoon theory. It can be found here.)

Tomorrow my prescription for 18mg hydromorph contin runs out. I only have one pill left. I have to go down from 18mg to 12mg and that is going to really really suck. Then I have to go down from 12mg, gradually, to nothing. That is going to really really suck too because at this point, I am absolutely an addict. I’ve been on this shit for 14 months. I can tell what time it is by the amount of narcotics in my system. :o/

Tonight when Blake was done work, we went to Wal*Mart and I got some things for Squam. I got a big pink Tupperware type of storage container for all the art supplies I’ll be bringing and a 32g memory card for my camera since all I have is the 8g one it came with and that lasted me for about half of Madison’s graduation so that won’t work for a 4 day trip where I’ll probably be taking pictures a good portion of the time. Especially on the first day since I’ll be taking a class on how to use my new camera. I also got two 14 hour lipsticks, one that’s more of a darker pinky kinda colour and one that’s more of a neutral plum. The plum one is actually pretty close to my natural lip colour and I wanted it so it doesn’t scream “HELLO! I AM WEARING LIPSTICK IN THE WOODS!” while I’m at Squam so I’ll be wearing makeup but it won’t really look like I am. I wouldn’t even bother with makeup but the first day the lady teaching the class is going to be taking our “spirit portraits” and from looking at past Squam sessions there’s lots of people taking pictures so I don’t exactly want to be schlepping around the whole time.

I can’t believe Squam is one month away. When we signed up to go it felt so far away and now that it’s here I’m just…excited isn’t the word, I dunno what I am. Ready. It’s like, my life has been super planned and out of my control for so long and Squam is kinda like, the reward for going through so much hell in the past year+. (So if you helped me get here, THANK YOU!)

I don’t know what happens after Squam. I’m trying  not to think about it. I’ve put the whole case worker/immersion therapy thing on hold until after Squam because Squam feels like the end of something rather than the beginning. But at the same time it’s one of those experiences where it could absolutely change my entire outlook on everything and it could be the beginning of something. It could absolutely change me, or at least my outlook on life in some way. I’m just going to have to wait and see, I guess.

My memory is crap. I blame all the psych meds for that. So I apologize if I’ve already mentioned this but I decided a couple of weeks ago that I’m not going to be doing Touched By Fire this year. (And now it feels like I’ve written that before but maybe I only thought it…) The call for entries started about 2 weeks ago and I wasn’t in any shape to start anything new and their stupid deadline is September 2nd, which is ridiculous and doesn’t give me enough time to do anything I’d be proud of so I’m not going to bother. I’m going to ask my shrink – maybe – if I can borrow “The Two Sunnies” to submit to the show because it’s the closest thing I have to their theme. I see her on the 31st so I’ll ask her then. I’m sure she’ll say yes, that she’d be honoured etc. This is “The Two Sunnies” for those who have never seen it:

I don’t like the idea of putting in sold work, I’m not really sure why though. I think it’s because it seems like a waste of time to go to the show since it’s downtown Toronto and a pain in the ass to get there and stuff for something that’s not even going to net me enough money for gas. At the same time, it’s a night out where I’m one of the guests of honour and that’s sort of fun. And I get to dress up. And Charlie will probably be in town so he might be interested in coming with us. He likes art. And I’m sure my mom would want to come again if I got in. So I guess if it’s okay with my shrink, I’ll enter that and hope I get in.

I had a painting in mind for the show that involves “The Yellow Wallpaper” that I meant to start ages ago and just never got around to and now there’s simply not enough time, especially because it would be a fairly large piece. Maybe after Squam I’ll make it anyway and just save it until next year’s Touched By Fire. They also have a website with a gallery where you can sell your paintings but I’ve never sold anything on it and to be honest, I’d be surprised if anyone else did either because the site’s practically unnavigatable (unnavitable? spellcheck says both are wrong!). They just redid it but I still don’t see an easy “buy” function. The site can be found here. I highly doubt anyone would buy the painting that I have in my head but I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t sell enough paintings to care about actually selling them anymore. (That’s partially why all of my paintings are on clearance at the moment. Honestly I’m just sick of looking at them and as I’ve mentioned previously, I have to make room for new paintings.)

I’m almost finished my latest painting, although to be perfectly frank, I’m not all that impressed with it. I posted a really crappy pic of it on Twitter the other night when I was working on it and the response was positive but I’m not happy with it. I think it’s because I used some premade elements on it that I normally would never dream of but I wanted to try something new. Madison likes her. I dunno, she just looked a lot better in my head, when I was putting all of the elements together. I’ll varnish her tomorrow if it’s not too humid (humidity makes varnish take forever to dry) and of course when she’s dry I’ll post pics and put her up on Etsy.

On Saturday night a cop came to our door and we were served with our subpoenas for Alex’s sexual assault case. We have to go to court on the 29th. ALL of us. Everyone who was at my house at the time of the assault, even Deanna and her boyfriend who were in a bedroom sleeping at the time and who live 2 hours away. They’re probably going to come over the night before and sleep over so they don’t have to get up at 5am to be in Barrie for 8:30am. The Scratching Post kids are going to come here with our friend Heatha, who was asleep at the time of the incident but who was awake when that scumbag was sitting on my couch carrying on a conversation minutes after he stuck his finger up my unconscious best friend’s ass. He is the reason we don’t allow crazy people like me to have guns in this country. As it turns out, he is also being charged with basically breech of probation because guess what? He’s up on RAPE CHARGES via his son’s mother. Jen’s trying to pinpoint when that actually went down because they obviously have mutual friends and what she’s been able to piece together is that he (I refuse to say “allegedly”) raped her a couple of weeks before he assaulted Alex. When the cops were here the morning after my party, they said he had “two similar charges”, so the rape is one, but what’s the other one? Why was this piece of shit not in custody like he is now? Obviously the judge after Alex’s incident realized that he’s likely to reoffend before his trials so he’s been in jail since it happened without the option of bail. GOOD I say. I hope he’s having the time of his life and making lots of nice, large friends in the shower. See how he likes having things put in his ass without his permission. Fucking creeper.

I’m so scared about giving testimony. What if I forget something or what if the other lawyer trips me up and makes me say the wrong thing and this fucker walks? The only thing that’s keeping me sane (and I can only imagine how Alex is feeling, she’s been live journaling a bit and she’s having a bit of a hard time with things for obvious reasons) is the fact that he has these two other “similar” charges and we know what the one is. There’s no way, especially with a public defender, that he’ll get off on all three incidents. Something has to stick. I’m scared that since Alex only saw the back of his head in the dark and none of us saw him actually do what he did that he’ll get off. The only good thing that I can think of is that Alex saw him get spooked by the rattling of our bathroom door (it was Kara) and take off through the living room, toward the front door landing which is where Kara found him a few minutes later. She made first contact (as far as we were aware at the time because we obviously didn’t know what he did to Alex yet or he wouldn’t have a face left). She asked him who the fuck he was (in those words) and he said he was there to meet Jen and that he’d been knocking for 20 minutes. Well first of all, there were people in the kitchen so if he’d have knocked, someone would have heard him, but also, if you’re knocking on a door for 20 minutes, do you THEN decide to just walk in? Or would you either go home or maybe try another door? The guy was obviously lying and the whole time he was in my office I thought maybe he was mentally challenged or something. Like Jen brought him up to me earlier in the night like to tell me that he may be coming and presented him as a would-be love interest so the whole time he was in my office, I was thinking Jen had finally smoked herself retarded because this guy was an idiot.

I don’t really know what else to say about that.

I see Dr. Hanrahan on Wednesday and hopefully she’ll give me the all clear to go swimming at Wasaga Beach and if she does, we’ll be going swimming directly from her office. I’m a little worried she might say no though because there’s a good inch long section of my scar that’s really infected. Like green and oozy and bright red. It is my belief that natural water helps infected wounds, swimming in lakes has always helped heal my infected mosquito bites, but Cheryl disagreed because “things grow in water” so maybe Hanrahan will too. I hope not though. I really really want to go swimming this summer. :o/ I did have my first real bath in 14 months yesterday though and it was pretty amazing. I used a Sunny Side bubble bar, a Kiss Me Klimt bath bomb (discontinued) and Karma soap! All by Lush.

I Wii Fatted myself yesterday or the day before and I’ve lost another 4lbs so now I weigh 118. I bought a ton of size small ribbed tank tops in a billion colours in like, 2005 or 2006 on clearance from Old Navy because they were only like $2 a piece but I never got to wear them because I went on psych meds and gained a billion lbs. But now they fit! I’m wearing a coral one right now, which I wore under my overalls when we went to Wal*Mart today.

The only other interesting things I got at Wal*Mart today were back to school supplies. Blake got the kids pretty much everything they’d need and I bought myself new pens and highlighters and erasers because they had the good white Staedtler erasers on sale for $1, which are the only kind I use. And I go through a lot of them. Couldn’t find Chapstick brand lipbalm anywhere in the store, which pissed me off because that’s like, a staple. That’s like not having milk or sugar or bread. Chapstick is everywhere! But not at Wal*Mart apparently. Boo. I had to get Blistex Lip Medex instead. Not nearly as nice as Chapstick but good for putting on before bed.

Riveting, I know.

Okay I started writing this post at like, 9pm and it’s now 3:30am so I think I’m going to hit “publish” and put my tired ass to bed.

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