December 4, 2014

No and I don’t know.

Yesterday was Touched By Fire.

I finished work at noon and had between then and 3:30pm to roll enough joints for the night, figure out where to eat, co-ordinate all this with my mom and get myself ready, which not only often involves multiple wardrobe changes, but more importantly, well-timed pharmaceuticals, and I was freaking at twelve-oh-one because I didn’t know where to start. I started by rolling joints and listening to bad hip hop because medication of all kinds is the most important thing to not leave the house with and I’ve been known to take a VERY long time to do this, even with a rolling machine, so yeah, started there. As I got to about my 2nd (of a planned 5) joint, Blake got home with lunch from Fresh-A-Fare, which I had really really wanted when I asked him to bring it home half an hour prior, but since I hadn’t had a ton of time to actually medicate between then and when he got home, my stomach just wasn’t ready for it so we ended up leaving it in the fridge for Wes for dinner if he wanted it, which he would because it was a ham and cheese sandwich and turkey with wild rice soup and he eats like me, so he’d be all about it.

As Blake ate and I rolled, we watched Once Upon a Story in Wonderland because it’s free on this trial Netflix type deal we have right now, and when the episode was over, Blake went to the bathroom to start getting read and I so, so stupidly checked e-mail and Facebook. And that is how I learned that my friend, Jeff Depew, the drummer from Scratching Post, had passed away. As some of you know, I was sort of the band’s first unofficial mascot/panty girl/merch bitch who did a lot of touring with them and became very good friends with everyone involved. I was/am shocked and saddened by the news of Jeff’s passing and however it happened, it is my hope that it was peaceful. I found out at around 2:30pm and had to be out the door at 3:30pm. At first I almost didn’t go. Just didn’t feel like partying or having a good time or being social. Then I almost went in overalls, which in hindsight I probably should have, it’s what I’d originally wanted to wear, but I settled on the same thing I wore on our attempt to see Book of Mormon, which had been thwarted by a blizzard so the outfit had never been seen before.

It took me half an hour to do my makeup because makeup won’t stick to tears, no matter how much primer you try to use. I’m a very simple lipstick-top-lid-eyeliner-one colour of shadow-mascara kinda gal. Makeup usually takes 10 mins, tops.

Anyway, traffic was hellacious and it was becoming apparent that we’d be late, so I texted my mom who said they were running late too, which I figured because that’s how my mother rolls. We get to the parking lot and it’s 100 km away from the restaurant we were meeting at and it’s blowing snow and I’m in a skirt. That walk made me so unhappy, especially since at the time my mother kept texting me from the restaurant about stuff as I’m trying not to get hit by cars or drop my phone or get it wet. Finally I literally told her to “stfu lol” and eventually we got to the restaurant.

We went to this St. Louis Grill place that I don’t think I’d ever bother with again unless I had to. Typical chain, with tiny across-from-Skydome Toronto portions and prices. I did eat a piece of macaroni and cheese wrapped in bacon and deep-fried that was pretty wonderful but I forgot to bring enzymes with me and really really should not be eating something like that anyway.

After eating, we went to the show. I went there. I saw that my painting was in the very back corner in the dark where it belonged. I looked at everyone else’s stuff, some good, some not so good but overall WAY better selections than previous years, then I parked my ass at the bar where I could see people looking at my painting (but turned my back to it because I couldn’t look) and see when they did the speeches. Speeches were uneventful except that this year there were prizes and our old friend from town here, Brian, won an honourable mention in his category and his girlfriend won best of show for her category.

After the speeches and awards and stuff, the place cleared out pretty fast. It wasn’t like previous years at all. See, something happened. I don’t know what but last fall there was some drama surrounding the show and suddenly touchedbyfire.CA was NOT the place to go, but touchedbyfire.CO and there was a mad scramble to get sponsors and find a space. It seemed like too much drama for me so I didn’t enter. This year it was run with the same group as last year and I noticed a lot of familiar artist faces missing, which seemed odd to me. I mean, this show has its regulars and I didn’t see two of its most prominent ones represented there last night. The bust for Rebecca Burkhardt, the person in whose remembrance this event takes place, was also missing, or at least I didn’t see it anywhere. Her dad was there though.

Before we left the show, Blake and John went around the room to see if anything had sold and only 2 things had, one being the most inexpensive piece in the show.

While the quality of work this year was definitely better, the experience wasn’t. There was no printed catalogue, which is really the only reason I go, just printed postcards with instructions for people to use their phones to take pictures of the QR codes beneath them or whatever they’re called, to pull up basically this page. That makes sense for the paintings being up in the gallery for a month but the show should have had a printed catalogue, especially since if I sell my piece, I’m giving them 20% and I want certain things, like show catalogues, for them to deserve that 20%. There were also no name tags for artists which was a mixed blessing. Every other year I turn mine around as not to be identified but this year I was trying to get up the courage to actually speak to people, to sell that damn thing, and them approaching me first would have been better.

The show’s been running 8 years, my first time was the 2nd year and I think I’ve been in it a total of 5 times. Last night marked only the 2nd time I’d submitted anything that was actually for sale and I really really need to sell this piece or make money from it somehow, in order to complete my next project before I get frustrated by money and logistics that I give up.

Anyway, here’s my painting and what I wore and how far away I was away from my painting at all times. THE END.

PS. I also invited my brother and his girlfriend to dinner and the show but he never even replied. I have no idea why, I haven’t done anything to him and we haven’t had a fight, so wtf? This hurts me a lot more than it should and was on my mind all night.

PPS. If you want to buy my painting, help me make BETTER art and see my awesome artist statement, click here.

August 17, 2013

Who’s that butch?

Here’s my video of the day:

So long story short, Brian and I aren’t friends anymore pretty much because his partner doesn’t like me. Who has never even met me. I am such a terrible person that I must be banished from his life. So obviously there’s some stuff there that I personally don’t even want to deal with and despite liking Brian a whole lot, I get that he has to choose his partner’s wishes over a relatively new friend. That’s cool. Whatevs. You do you, I do me, we’re all good. We’re moving next year so…like I said to him, “so long and thanks for all the fish.”

Satan knows I have my own bullshit to deal with.

I told my mom I’m not going zip lining. I looked at the site and was like, “nope! This is not happening!” because with my luck, I will break a limb or I’ll break their equipment or I’ll somehow end up in an emergency room and I don’t even want to go there. My foot is juuust starting to really heal up and I don’t feel comfortable like, climbing trees or even stairs just yet so zip lining is definitely out. Plus, I don’t get what you do for 3 hours and there’s tons of bugs up in the tops of trees. No thank you.

Anyway, it’s been a looong day and I am super tired so maybe I’ll have a chance to write a proper post tomorrow before work.

Peace oot. <3

Posted at 2:20 am in: Brian , Friends , Life , Summer , Sunnyland , Work
July 24, 2013

Forget the haters, cuz somebody loves ya-AH…

Greetings, Earthlings.

I am feeling SO MUCH better than I was on Monday. A normal schedule again, medication-wise and work-wise, and lots of sleep has helped immensely and I’m mostly back to my old self. I won’t say “normal” since I doubt I’ll ever be that, but back to my old self…

I did not go see my grama and my brother on well, today, because both Blake and my mom thought it would have been a bad idea in my former state, which I agree with, but I’m okay now so I’m kind of regretting that decision. I really want to see my brother. I don’t know why, I just do. Is it weird to say that I miss him? Because I do. Immensely. I love the shit out of that big stupid asshole. And my grama, well, I have something for her.

On last Thursday or Friday, I forget which, there was “customer appreciation day” in Elmvale and Madison was doing face painting at Jack’s On Queen, which is the local comic shop.

Why people would want their face painted on a 42 degree day is beyond me…

Brian was also there assembling his new mini comic called “Faces” which I forgot to buy one of so I’m not sure what it’s about but I’m sure you can purchase one yourself on his site! He’s really good!

So Wes and I went down there for moral and emotional support and also to buy Madison lunch at Alma’s which, if you follow me on Foursquare, you would know that we eat there a lot. Their hot roast beef is the fucking bomb. Look at this!

Anyway, that was Friday I think and while we were at Alma’s there was a HUGE storm where tornados touched down in various places near us so we called Blake to come home from work to come get us (he was working in Barrie that day) and then on Saturday before I had to go to work, we went to the beach because we live right near day beach. BOOOOOI! Lotta mercy. (Points if you get that reference. I can’t stop saying it…)

The beach is AWESOME after a big storm because there are big waves that are fun to jump. So we stayed for about 40 minutes because I had to work and then I worked for 3 hours but a friend of ours had a bit of an emergency so my co-workers, who are AWESOME, scrambled to cover my shift and Blake and I went to spend time with her. She had just run the Warrior Dash, which is this crazy-assed race thing that you can read about here. In fact, apparently someone died at it here this year but I haven’t read anything about that yet. They apparently had a pre-existing condition and just…died. I mean, the race itself is brutal, you have to climb rope walls and crawl through mud under barbed wire and the mud has gravel underneath it so your knees get scraped up and you have to jump through fire. It’s pretty nuts. Blake ran it last year and plans to run it again next year. I think they’re both mental but whatever floats their boats.

So we had a good night with our friend and then Sunday…I forget what we did on Sunday. So probably nothing. I had to work at 1am, which fucking sucked, but I did it and then I had Monday off but I slept through most of it and that brings us to yesterday when Blake did his Canadian citizenship test where he got 19/20 questions right and was finished first. He’d been practicing for weeks so I wasn’t really worried about it and nothing bad happens if you fail anyway, it’s not like they deport you or anything. I am crazy proud of him. What happens next is he’ll get a letter to come down to that building again to do his oath where he’ll swear to like, be awesome & respect the Queen & shit which I will get videos and pictures of, don’t you worry! The first song we listened to upon getting into the car after he passed his test was this one, by A Tribe Called Red, which is a Canadian band that does like, aboriginal dubstep that’s super wicked:

They’re up for the Polaris Prize and I think they should win.

I didn’t wear socks with my Chucks yesterday so I have a blister that’s basically my entire heel and it really fucking hurts. I wore my Chucks because my sandals gave me another blister on Friday when we walked into town to see Madison and Brian. I can’t win! But that one’s healed enough that I can wear my sandals again.

And I guess that brings me to today! I worked this morning, which sucked (I am so sick of my job at the moment…I’m thankful I have it and I realize it’s a pretty cushy job compared to a lot but man, I am so fucking sick and tired of working), then I woke up around 11:30am and decided to make this canvas I’ve been working on my bitch. If you go to my Facebook page you can see Vine vids of the process of splatter painting which I think is super uninteresting but other people seem to like so that’s why I did it.

This is how you can tell someone’s an artist (or one of the ways):

I can’t remember if I posted about what I’m working on at the moment but it’s Dorothy! The background is all rainbow so far and as soon as I’m finished this post I’m going to start working on Dot herself. I made a preliminary sketch of her last weekend but I think I’m going to tweak her a bit when I actually paint her.

That’s obviously just pencil crayon with no shading and her nose isn’t right.
I can’t figure out how to paint braids but Dorothy in the 1939 movie only had french braids to just behind her ears and the rest was a pony tail so that’s what I was going for.

Anyway, that’s what I’m working on.

Peace oot, homies.

May 28, 2013

Won’t You Please Fawn Over Me

Lilacs are the best smelling flower. We have a lilac bush in our backyard that I swear has never flowered before now because we’ve been gardening in the garden right beside it for at least 5 years now and I’ve never noticed it. And I love lilacs. Last year we noticed the ones along the side of the house for the first time and this year my baby one in the front is flowering for the first time. All 3 sets are different kinds. The ones at the side of the house are frilly and a very subtle purple. Almost white. The baby bush in the front yard is dark purple. The one in the backyard has petals (?) that are more defined and the backyard one has more scent than the ones at the side of the house.

Oh fuck it, I’ll go take pictures even though it’s crazy windy…

Okay so here’s the one in the backyard. I dunno what the little “petals” are actually called, they’re almost like little flowers themselves, but these ones are more well-defined than the others:

These ones are on the side of the house, see how they’re frillier than the one above? Also almost white, but not quite:

And this is the baby one in the front.

The ones in the backyard smell the strongest so I cut a bunch off the bush and they’re sitting on my desk. I have a fan in here that’s oscillating on the other side of the room and every few seconds it swivels toward the lilacs and blows the scent directly toward me. It’s lovely. Unfortunately cut lilacs don’t last very long or at least that’s been my experience. I’ve heard that you’re supposed to put sugar in the water, you’re supposed to cut their stems on a slant, you’re supposed to crush the ends of their stems…I didn’t do any of that because I’ve never found any of those things to actually work.

Last night we went out for dinner with Brian and I learned that sometimes when a product says it has “natural vanilla flavour” it’s actually an extract from the anal glands of beavers. I don’t know if I believe this, to be honest, but that is what I learned.

Alma’s is closed on Mondays (boooooo) so we went to Steeler’s and I got chicken fingers because you either get chicken fingers or a clubhouse sandwich at Steeler’s since that’s their best menu items and I didn’t feel like navigating a clubhouse while wearing the particular lipstick I was wearing. It’s long-lasting “14 hour” lipstick but I find that all goes to hell when you introduce any type of oil, like mayo, and I didn’t bring the lipstick with me to reapply because honestly, I’d forgotten I was wearing a face full of makeup until I saw my reflection in the window when we were going into the restaurant. Normally just bumming around Elmvale, I either don’t wear makeup at all or very little, but yesterday afternoon I was taking pictures of myself for this post because I dyed my hair “Atomic Turquoise” and of course, y’all would wanna see it.

Anyway, dinner, Steeler’s. After dinner Brian asked if we wanted to walk around the block, so we did and he and Blake talked about how they were the “last men” for many lesbians and that dancing at the gay bar is the best kind of dancing and I don’t even know what else, but what I noticed is that our town has a lot of lilac bushes which are all obviously in bloom right now. Huge bushes that have to be 60 or 70 years old. Or older. You even see them when you’re driving around in the most random places and I think “why would someone plant a lilac bush there?” I don’t think they’re naturally occurring but I could be wrong.

After we walked around the block, we ended up back at Brian’s house, which is where we parked, and we came in briefly while he got some comics that we’d lent him. We met his cats, Veronica and Beatrice, who are tiny little squirrely kitties compared to Pixel, our fatass.

Then we came home and watched Behind the Candelabra. I give it a B-. Acting was good, story was weak. There were certain things in the movie where I think they relied on the assumption that you knew about Liberace to begin with. I didn’t. I didn’t know until this movie that Liberace died of AIDS complications. He died when I was 8 and it just wasn’t on my radar. In fact, until the movie last night, I didn’t even know Liberace was alive during my lifetime. Anyway, I only watched the movie to see if Michael Douglas and Matt Damon could pull off a Brokeback Mountain and they did, it was all very natural. Granted, I have no idea how Michael Douglas’ performance was compared to the real Liberace, I just mean that I totally bought that he and Matt Damon were lovers. The best part of the movie was Rob Lowe. I dunno wtf they did to him but he/his character was amazing.

Just to get it out of the way, here’s the pics from yesterday…


I measured yesterday and my new hair that started growing back after it all started falling out when I was sick is now 8 inches long.
Also that is a terrible picture of me but I’m posting it anyway because I don’t think there are any other pics of me and Wes except for maybe when he was a baby.
I should have adjusted my f.stop so he’d be in focus but I just grabbed him as he came home from school.

The above pics were obviously taken with the good camera.
These ones were just taken with my webcam:

My roots are a liiiiiiittle green tinged because I used the bleach that came with Madison’s Splat dye rather than the stuff I usually use and the Splat bleach doesn’t bleach it super white like Garnier does.
It leaves a bit of yellow.
I didn’t think it would matter that much but it did!

Oh well.

Yesterday I said all I was going to do was dye my hair and paint my toenails and if I succeeded at those two things then it was a productive day. Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow I have to go see my shrink. As per usual I don’t really know what to talk to her about. I’m going to ask her if Rick’s back yet. He went on leave “for personal reasons” in Feb. or March and they said he’d be gone 6 weeks so he should be back. I didn’t want to get started with another caseworker unless I knew he wasn’t coming back. Honestly now that we’re moving, I don’t even know if I want a caseworker at all because it just seems so pointless if I’m going to be starting from scratch in a new area after we move. Part of the reason I stopped driving was because I didn’t know any of the roads or where anything was and now I know a little bit so that’s why I tried driving again, but when we move it’s going to be the same thing as when we moved here, I won’t know the roads or where anything is.

Also I’m not so much sold on Beaverton anymore. I don’t think the grocery store there is 24 hours, which is a big thing for me, and my mom and John are complaining constantly that nothing’s open past 5pm, not even most of the restaurants. It does have a movie theatre but with only 1 screen and I think it only shows one movie at a time. About the only thing it has going for it is that my mom’s there, I like the school district and it has pretty houses. This is the one we’re looking at right now. Or hoping to look at. I think our real estate agent is getting sick of showing us houses when our house isn’t ready to sell yet. Blake touched up the paint in the kitchen this weekend and we’ve contacted another contractor about redoing the bathroom since the one who came out to see the bathroom doesn’t like to reply to e-mails and is pretty much a write-off.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of to write about and Wes is going to be home from school soon so I guess I’ll just stop writing now! BYE!

PS. Blake and Madison are $180 short of their fundraising goal for the Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay For Life! Click here to sponsor them!

May 23, 2013

Come On Just Let’s Go

“Agoraphobe” is not a word. I’m not really sure why but it’s not in the dictionary and I’ve never heard a mental health professional use it. Also did you know that it’s NOT pronounced a-gore-a-pho-bee-ah? It’s actually pronounced aggro-pho-bee-ah, go figure, but I’ve literally only heard my shrink and dictionary pronunciation guides say it that way. In movies and on TV they always say it THE WAY IT FUCKING MAKES SENSE TO.

Right now it’s 2:25pm. I don’t know what time it’ll be by the time you read this but right now it’s 2:25pm and I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to leave the house since about 11am. Initially the plan was to walk into town at noon to go to Alma’s Cafe and have fries and gravy for lunch. The walk would have taken me about 10 minutes. Maybe 12. Not 15. I have $22 in my bank account but I can’t use my bank card because Madison lost it so I’d have to put fries and gravy and a pop – about $6.50 with tip, I’m guessing (but I’m bad at guessing these things) – on Visa.

I’m trying to think of a good analogy for my thought process on days like today but I can’t really think of one. Maybe you can if I explain it well enough.

The idea always seems so simple.

1. Walk into town. (Issue: construction workers everywhere.)

2. Go to Alma’s where I’ve been 50 times. (Easy peasy.)

3. Order fries and gravy which I’ve had there probably half of those times. (Difficulty level depends on who’s there and who’s working.)

4. Eat. (Not an issue. Used to be an issue; I used to be scared that people were watching me eat and thinking that someone as fat as me shouldn’t be eating whatever it is I’m eating. Now there are no fucks to give. Hoes gotta eat too.[Bonus points if you get that reference.])

5. Pay. (Big issue. Who pays for fries and gravy with a credit card? It’s almost literally the cheapest thing on the menu. They’re going to think I can’t afford to eat. And the tip. What if I don’t put in enough? What if I put in too much? Less of a deal, obviously, but then what if they expect big tips all the time?)

6. Walk home. (Issue: construction workers everywhere.)

And see this right here is why Twitter is a much better medium for me sometimes because I get instant feedback. I get an instant cheering section. I get an instant influx of troubleshooting and ideas. Now that it’s 2:43pm I’ve already decided not to go but if I’d have tweeted about my issues all day instead of doing other things, I may have gone.

Now that it’s 2:44pm, I can’t go because it’ll take me 12 minutes to walk there, 5 minutes for the waitress to come to my table after I sit down, 12 minutes to get my food, 15 minutes (?) to eat, 6 minutes to pay. That’s 50 minutes which has me exiting Alma’s at 3:35pm. The kids get out of school at 3:20pm which means I’m going to be sharing the walk home with a bunch of obnoxious grade schoolers. I think Madison gets out of school at 3:35 and it would be awesome to be able to text her and tell her to walk home with me but she has a job after school walking her art teacher’s daughter from the elementary school to the high school and she often doesn’t get to leave until 4pm because the kid wants to play or be annoying or whatever.

Anyway, let’s get back to the beginning. I started my day at 4:30am. I forget what I did between 4:30am and 5am when I started work, besides check e-mail, but since today is Thursday I only had to work until 7am so as soon as my shift was done, I went back to bed. I woke up at 8:45-ish, looked at the clock, turned over and went back to sleep. At 9:20am I heard Madison in the hallway having a fit about something which was weird because Madison should have been at school but she was home sick yesterday so maybe she stayed home again today. No, she slept in. By like, an hour and a half. And she was freaking out on the phone to her father so he could call her in late since I was sleeping. What she was really freaking out over though was her french project had to be presented today and she slept through her allotted morning computer time so she couldn’t print out her story. Blake was still driving to work so he couldn’t edit her permissions so long story short, I woke up, edited her permissions so she could print out her story, which she did but she took so long STRAIGHTENING HER ALREADY STRAIGHT HAIR which is totally what you do when you’re almost 2 HOURS late for school, that she missed french class and will have to present another day. (This probably won’t affect her mark.)

So that was my morning. Madison was out of the house by 10am and walked to school in the rain.

The rain ended around 11am and that’s when I got this fries & gravy idea stuck in my head. I wish I knew where these ideas came from because they are really fucking stressful and I’ve already had a really really terrible mental health week.

So I have to psych myself up for leaving the house by myself (and other times with other people, but not as often and not to the same extent) so my gameplan was to wash my hair and give myself an hour to work up the courage to first get dressed and pack my bag and then walk past all those construction workers. I wasn’t completely committed to this plan though, which is why I did not take any clonazepam/klonopin. I probably should have because that’s what it’s there for. I don’t know why I didn’t. I think I was afraid of wasting it by taking some and then not going, especially when I feel like the stuff is becoming less and less effective.

I went into the bathroom and peed and in doing so I spotted the empty box of hair dye that Madison left open on the counter. After peeing, I went to pick up the box to recycle it and that’s when I realized it wasn’t empty. Splat dye comes with bleach AND dye but Madison hated the bleaching process when we did it the first two times to lighten her hair enough to take the turquoise dye so much that she refuses to ever bleach her hair again. Since then  we’ve bought 4 boxes of Splat dye where the bleach wasn’t used. So I started looking at my roots in the mirror, made worse by the fact that I hadn’t washed my hair in a while, and decided that bleaching my hair would be a wonderful way to pass the time since I had to wash my hair either way and by not bleaching it today, I was only prolonging my awful combination of about 3/4 of an inch of ash blonde roots, then light pink that faded down the length of my hair to pure white (which actually looks really cool when the effect first starts but looks like hell after about a month) by at least 3 days.

I slapped on the bleach, set a timer and internetted while also going through the steps of leaving the house over and over in my head. I knew that once I was dressed and I was standing on the sidewalk I wouldn’t turn back, but it’s getting on the sidewalk that’s the main problem. Once I’m to the park a block from my house, my anxiety goes from 100% to a manageable 60% and that’s when I’d usually pop 2 Ativan under my tongue to bring it down further.

When my hair was ready to rinse, it was about 11:45am and I was starting to panic because my self-imposed deadline was only 15 minutes away and because my hair was wet (and I have a hair dryer, I just don’t use it for hair because my hair’s damaged enough), I wouldn’t be able to leave. But if I’m being completely honest, that was probably an excuse. The truth is that I bleached my hair to begin with to set up this situation. If I’d have just washed my hair, my hair would have been mostly dry by noon and I wouldn’t have had an excuse not to leave. I sabotage myself like this all the time and it’s like I have two people inside me, one who wants to go and one who doesn’t want to go and the asshole one is constantly being an asshole to ruin the other guy’s good time. It’s not like a CONSCIOUSLY thought “hey if I bleach my hair at 11am I won’t be able to go by noon”, this shit just happens.

So I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to leave by noon which causes more stress because now you’re a FAILURE.

I sat here and cried a little bit and then started the “it’s not too late to go” line of thinking (oh sure, NOW I take the clonazepam because writing this post is stressing me the fuck out). So I extended by deadline to 1pm. If I left by 1pm I would be home by 2:05pm, roughly. Hell, I could leave as late as 2:15pm and be well home by the time the kids even got out of school.

But that saboteur in my brain started working on me pretty hard, which you only really realize in hindsight, and I decided that my simple idea needed to be expanded upon. I decided that maybe I’d see if Brian wanted to go get fries & gravy too.

Maybe you already see why this was probably the worst thought I could have had today…

Brian is a new friend who I don’t really know all that well but I thought that since I didn’t get that sick feeling in my stomach when I was alone with him for 5 minutes, maybe I could be alone with him for 20 minutes. And get fries & gravy, which, is not without precedent. Last week Brian – who is a cartoonist – had a table set up at Jack’s On Queen, the comic book shop in town, and was drawing comics there so Blake and I went in to see how he was doing. It was the end of the day so I proposed that we go across the street to Alma’s for fries & gravy. So we did and we had a lovely time.

Anyway, I took my simple plan, best illustrated with a straight piece of string, and turned it into a cat’s cradle.

The plan now was more like this:

1. Contact Brian and see if he’d want to go. (Anxiety 110% because I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone but my own family to do anything with me ever. I don’t have friendS, plural, I have like, A friend (hi Alex! Okay Ronny & Deanna too) and I’ve never asked her to do anything with me without Blake. Also I’ve known her for 8 years so you can’t even compare her to Brian. I haven’t had a friend who lived in the same town as me since high school. Rejection wouldn’t have bothered me, then I just go back to my simple plan. But what happens if he can’t leave for an hour or whatever and that wrecks my whole window of opportunity? I can’t really be like “hey do you want to do this thing?” and then be like, “nope, sorry, can’t. Crazy.”)

2. If he wanted to go, walk to Brian’s house. (Issue: construction workers everywhere. Possible complication: what if he’s not ready?)

3. Talk about random stuff on the way to Alma’s. (But what? Is it rude to ask someone what meds they’re on? I mean that completely seriously.)

4. Go to Alma’s. (Easy.)

5. Order. (Harder in front of a stranger.)

6. Talk about random stuff while we wait for our food. (But what?)

7. Eat. (Now an issue because now I’m not only eating in front of a stranger but I have to also keep talking to them and what happens if he finishes first because I’m a slow eater? Or what happens if I finish first?)

8. Pay. (Still a big issue for all the same reasons, amplified by the fact that now there will be TWO people watching me use the debit machine/putting fries & gravy on Visa.)

9. Walk Brian home. (And what if we run out of things to talk about?)

10. Walk to my house. (Construction workers.)

 

I am SO raw. I am a very very raw person. What I mean by that is that my moods and emotions are always just below the surface and they are fierce in either direction. It is SO easy to make me cry. I’m convinced most of the time that even the people who claim to like me probably really hate me. Even my body is sensitive. I wear hoodies in the summer so there’s more insulation between me and the rest of the world because certain textures will make me want to crawl out of my skin. I avoid socks like the plague because I haaaaaaaaaaaate how they feel. (Although I have THE BEST pair of knit socks an LJ friend made me a few years ago that I love in the winter.)

Anyway, I’m losing focus here because Wes just came home…I just feel like I need to take so many classes to learn how to do simple things. No one laughs when you’ve been in an accident and need physical therapy to learn how to walk again but people sure think you’re weak and pathetic if you have to go to therapy to learn how to function in society.

I basically tortured myself all day and now I feel like an absolute failure. I suppose I could try again tomorrow. And at least this time I’d be starting with clean hair. I guess we’ll see what happens.

May 22, 2013

Babble.

Being sick changed me forever. I’m scarred. I have a bulging belly because they couldn’t fit all my guts back where they were supposed to go. It changed my face. It aged me. I can’t explain what it’s like to have to fight for your life from within your own mind because that’s what it felt like when I was in the coma. I never heard a word about the possibility of me dying. I don’t remember them asking me if I wanted to sign the “do not resuscitate” order which Blake was terrified I’d sign (I didn’t). I knew I was in big trouble though. I had a breathing tube. I remember the breathing tube. I remember the feeding tube.

I was reading about the hunger strike that’s happening at Guantanamo Bay (which you should read about too because it’s pretty crazy) where they’re force feeding the striking prisoners by strapping them to a chair 2 or 3 times a day and forcing a feeding tube up their nose and down into their stomach and they’re force feeding them. I ripped out my feeding tube at least twice that I remember. The first time was when I first woke up from the coma and was freaking out because I didn’t know where I was or what was happening and I accidentally pulled the tube out. And it really fucking hurt. Burned. Made my eyes water. And then they had to put it back in and that hurt even more and it made me gag and cry and even pray (I’m an atheist so I don’t understand that one either). The second time they had me on so many drugs that I was hallucinating and I hallucinated a monkey came and pulled out the feeding tube and then bit my nose. And they had to put the tube back through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach and I cried some more. When my mom and Blake came to visit that day I had the feeding tube taped into my nose with a band aid and they asked me what happened so I told them a monkey bit it. A Telus monkey. Y’know, to be precise.

When they feed you through a feeding tube, they literally stand on a stool with a funnel and pour liquid and what sounded/felt like crushed up pills and it’s cold. Then the crushed up pills or whatever would get stuck on the tube so they’d be squeezing it to try and make the clog smaller and feeding me was this awful half hour production 3+ times a day that I hated and really frustrated the nurses.

Lately stuff like that is coming back to me. I’d forgotten most of it. My shrink says my mind would only let me remember if I could handle it and I am handling it but it’s difficult.

So that’s pretty much constantly on my mind.

I can’t paint because there’s no room in here to make anything new and Blake wants to put most of my stuff in storage so we have a better shot at selling our house (my entire office is pretty much clutter to the naked eye, but to the trained eye, it is perfectly organized). Putting my stuff in storage is really fucking with me. Part of the reason I don’t leave the house is because I can’t take all my stuff with me. I carry a huge bag full of all kinds of essentials whenever I leave the house because you never know what you might need. But like, putting my art stuff in storage….what if I get inspired to paint? I guess I won’t put my sketchbook in storage. At least then I won’t lose the ideas completely, just the motivation.

I’m terrified of moving. I just got used to living here and now we have to go somewhere else. Well, we don’t “have” to but our house is too small for the 7 of us, if you include the pets. I need a room alone just for my books that are on shelves everywhere, piled two or three books deep.

The school system in this county is abysmal. I bet half the graduates of Elmvale’s high school don’t even know what that word means and I’m not saying that to be mean, I’m saying that to be truthful. I know I talked about this “somewhere” but I forget if it was on Facebook or Live Journal or Camwhores but Wes is in grade 4 and he’s never been asked to read a book. He’s never done a book report. They don’t read in class. Honestly I don’t even know what they do. Madison’s in grade 9. Just this year she was asked to read To Kill a Mockingbird (which she loved) and to choose a book for her independent study unit. She chose The Bloggess’ book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (which she also loved but was horrified when I said she should e-mail Jenny and tell her). So in 11 years of schooling, Madison’s been assigned to read 2 books. Don’t you think that’s a little fucked up? They ask them to do all kinds of creative writing but how can you write WELL if you don’t also read? There’s more, but basically the two schools in this town work in tandem to create McEmployees and we want better for our kids. The high school they’d be going to where we want to move is pretty good.

I’m nervous about living in the same town as my mom. I love my mom and my mom loves me but she doesn’t understand me or my life. She doesn’t understand that I don’t answer the phone most of the time even when I know who it is. She doesn’t understand that sometimes, because of the chemicals in my brain, I go for weeks without seeing anyone but my immediate family. I hate surprises. I don’t answer the door unless I know who it is in advance so surprises are not a good thing. I can just see my mom trying to “fix” me and then getting mad at me when her efforts fail, like it’s something I can control. She sort of understands that I have a disease but she doesn’t understand the disease or in my case, the cluster of disease and disorder.

I’m just learning how to leave the house by myself. I’m just learning how to drive again. Moving means starting all over. I’m also scared about losing my shrink. I really love my shrink. We’ll be moving outside of her area so I’ll have to find another one and I’m scared I won’t be able to find one as brilliant as her. I don’t think there’s a fancy mental health centre near where we’re moving. Not like the one near us now. The next biggest town I can think of in that area is bigger than Midland so their mental health centre won’t be as small and personal with all the resources I have now. Of course this is all assumption but my mental health centre is the gold standard and I am absolutely terrified of having to start over. This could literally set me back years. The good news is that I can probably go back to my old family doctor, the bad news is that he’ll probably be retiring soon.

Also my doctor here, the hospital here, the pharmacy here; they all know me. They know why (usually) I’m at the hospital. The pharmacy talks to my doctors more than I do. Getting a pharmacy to request a new rx of hydromorph contin via FAX to a doctor who’s only met me maybe 10 times but my chart’s pretty thorough because I *say* I’m having a pancreatic attack (which I was and do, but I could just as easily be a drug seeker) is next to unheard of. That’s MORPHINE! So I dunno what I’m going to have to do to get all our ducks in a row for the care and maintenance of me. And I’m scared.

I’m also scared our dogs will get out of a strange yard they don’t know and we don’t know and get hit by a car or lost because they don’t know where they live. I’m not so much worried about Lucky in this respect because of that time….ugh I’ll just tell the story again for any new people. My shrink when I first met her, suggested I get a “support animal” to help me get out of the house more. A dog I could walk and I could train to sense when I was about to have a panic attack etc etc etc mental health support animals are a real thing. So I sell a painting for $250 which was exactly enough, almost to the penny, to get Lucky from the SPCA with all of his shots up to date and neutered. The only issue with him was that he had/has anxiety separation but since I’m home all day, that shouldn’t be so much of a problem.

So we got him on a Saturday and that Monday I walked him to the grocery store, tied him up outside on the cart corral and went inside to buy him Milkbones. So I did. And when I came out he was gone, he’d slipped his collar. So I freak out completely, call Blake, Blake says he’s on his way home. I’m having an absolute meltdown but what choice did I have so I started walking home and calling Lucky the whole way. I get to just before our driveway and something catches my eye. I see Lucky looking at me from BEHIND our gate to the backyard. Not only did he run home, but he got into the yard and to this day we still don’t know how he did that.

So I’m not so much worried about Lucky getting lost if they don’t go very far, I’m worried about them getting separated because they’re both very curious and Lucky will follow Hoover but not the other way around so then both of might get lost without even each other. :o(

And as much as I loathe the school system here, it really makes me sad that we’ll be splitting Wes up from the girl he’s claimed since Junior Kindergarten that he was going to marry.

I really really don’t want to move, I don’t want the hassle, the disruption, the chaos, the bullshit, but we really really really have to.

So that’s what’s on my mind. Being sick. The ramifications of being sick and practically kissing death. Moving. I see my shrink tomorrow I think.

PS. At the beginning of this month I passed the 2 year milestone of being a non-smoker.

PPS. I kinda hit another milestone at the beginning of this month. It was a nice evening and Brian said it was good for sitting on porches and playing guitars. So Blake and I went to Brian’s house and Brian said to Blake, “where’s your guitar?” and Blake, not thinking he was serious, didn’t bring his. So I stayed and sat on Brian’s porch while Blake went home to get him guitar. This is a milestone in that I have not been alone with another person who I’m not related to in a VERY long time. I have a fear of one-on-one interaction with just about everyone who’s never been to my house. And there’s still certain people who have been to my house who I wouldn’t want to be alone with. I won’t even be alone with my own support worker or shrink. But Brian is just so non-threatening that it was pretty much a non-issue. I don’t think I could like, go out for lunch with Brian by myself at this point but I was alone with him for about 10 minutes and nothing bad happened so that was good. Here’s a video from that night. Sorry about the vertical video, that’s just how my phone does it:

May 9, 2013

Title.

I *love* ice cream. I never used to, I used to think – to quote Drew Barrymore – that it was “frozen vomit”, especially if it had chunky things in it. But then Kevin introduced me to Dippin’ Dots, The Ice Cream of the Future and I’ve been hooked ever since. There’s this local-ish dairy called Kawartha Dairy that makes this gorgeous “Death By Chocolate” ice cream that is making me super fat. It’s chocolate ice cream, but like PREMIUM creamy chocolate ice cream made with real cream and sugar, with swirls of brownie batter-like stuff and chocolate chunks. It is heavenly.

Speaking of heavenly things that make me fat, I’ll show you this:

Those are All Dressed chips, which I had for dinner Tuesday night.
They’re a Canadian thing.
They’re a mixture of all the main chip flavours (including ketchup) except sour cream and onion.

If you ever wanna import good shit from Canada, lemme know.

The roses my grama bought me are still on my desk so I decided to try and take better pictures of them. I dunno if I succeeded but here they are:

My lilac bush that’s only a few years old is going to have flowers this year!
Only a little bit but still!

Bleeding hearts.

So Brian introduced me to MC Chris and I’m in looooooooove. I dunno how this has been missing my whole life, honestly. Brian says I live under a rock-like canopy that doesn’t allow things like KISS and MC Chris in. I only downloaded Dungeon Master of Ceremonies but that’s pretty much all I’ve been listening to…even though I need to be finding songs for this THING I’m working on that’s taken on a life of its own…

Obviously I have the new and final Sookie Stackhouse novel. I’m about halfway through and so far so good. My prediction is that she’s going to end up with Sam. ;o)

And last but not least, Hyperbole and a Half is BACK. Click here to go yonder.

So between MC Chris, ice cream, All Dressed chips, Sookie Stackhouse and Hyperbole and a Half, things are pretty awesome. No complaints!

April 5, 2013

Wishy Washi

I am completely obsessed with washi tape. For those who have no idea what washi tape is, it’s very thin masking tape (made of Japanese washi paper) that comes in various colours and patterns. Here’s some of my stash, I have another 5 or 6 rolls of it kicking around:

When I posted that pic on Twitter the other day, my friend Marylin asked me what I did with it and I was so thrown off by the question that I just replied with “EVERYTHING!” I mean, it’s tape. Anything you would do with tape, you use washi tape for; the only difference, I suppose, is that washi tape is supposed to show, which is why it comes in so many varieties. I have a big piece of Bristol board on the back of my front door that’s sort of like an inspiration board, where I tape onto it inspirational images and quotes and I use washi tape on that. When I needed to tape up my shadow box so I didn’t get paint on the glass, I used washi tape. When I’m journaling, I often put washi tape across the tops of the pages, just to decorate them. People use it a lot in art journaling.

I actually just ordered more washi tape because apparently I’m an idiot. I got this one, this one, this one and this set of 4. There’s LOTS of it on Etsy. Michael’s just had a sale on it where you could buy a set of 2 rolls for $4.99, which is a pretty decent price. They were regularly $7.99 and it’s not like these are big rolls or anything either. Washi tape, for what it is, is kind of expensive. Most of it comes from China so you’d think it’d be cheaper but for some reason it’s not.

On Tuesday I got fed up with my white and pink hair and threw in a jar of “Pretty Pink Flamingo” Manic Panic and this was the result:

It was actually kinda funny…you’re supposed to leave the Manic Panic in for 30 minutes, but I was busy doing stuff and I ended up leaving it on for 2 hours because it’s not like it would hurt anything if you leave it in longer. But because my hair had been bleached white beforehand, my hair just SUCKED UP the dye so that when I rinsed my hair – you’re supposed to rinse it in cold water until the water runs clear – NO COLOUR WHATSOEVER tinted the water. It ran clear pretty much immediately. That means that this is probably going to last a long time, which is fine. This is my favourite colour of pink (as far as hair dye goes) and teh only reason I’d been trying to bleach out the Splat was because I didn’t like the shade. It was a weird blue/purple tinged fluorescent pink and I just wasn’t a fan.

Then on Wednesday, Madison came home with purple streaks in her hair that she’d put in with Sharpies while she was at school not learning anything. So we took pictures:

I think the plan for Madison’s hair is to go “Spiderman blue” next, then when that fades put purple on top, then when that fades, dye it back brown. We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because I wanted her to see Clementine’s hair and all she took away from the movie was that Clem’s roots were “horrendous”. Oh well.

Tonight Blake’s got a meeting between 4-6pm at work so he’s not going to be home until late. Wes is staying over at a friend’s house tonight so for dinner it’s just going to be me and Madison and Blake said we could order pizza. After Blake gets home we’re meeting up with Brian, which should be interesting. The next Springwater Guild meeting is on Wednesday and I haven’t RSVP’d yet because I’m not sure if I want to go. I don’t know what Blake’s thoughts are but I find the meetings way too frustrating. There have only been 2 so far so my own personal way of doing things says that I should give it 1 more shot but man, I am PMSing HARD and just think I can do witout  the headache.

Yesterday was CBT and it was the 2nd last class. I didn’t write about last week’s so I guess I’ll start there. Last week we learned about “Experiments and Action Plans” and I got to be the example. I’m too lazy to scan the worksheet right now, but an experiment is like this:

Thought to be tested: If I practice driving, I will feel more confident.

Experiment:
Drive home from CBT today.

Prediction:
I will get in the car and drive home to Elmvale going the speed limit the whole time.

Possible problems:

– I’m going to be terrified.
– I’m going to sweat.
– There may be traffic.

Strategies to overcome these problems:
– Go down country roads.
– Drive from Shopper’s Drug Mart (less busy)
– Ask Blake to give me encouraging praise.

Outcome of experiment:
I drove home from CBT & didn’t kill anyone or wreck the car.

How much does the outcome support the thought that was tested:
40%

Then these are all in columns so there’s actually space below the above columns to do another experiment below, such as driving home from CBT *this* week (which I didn’t do because I was upset) and then at the bottom it asks you “what have I learned from these experiments?” But I haven’t filled that out yet because I’ve only done the one experiment.

So when I came in this week, the first thing everyone asked me was if I drove home from CBT last week and this one  lady, whose name I think is Leanne, said, “I knew you’d do it! I made you muffins!” and so during class we all had banana chocolate chip muffins.

This week’s class was on “Assumptions and Core Beliefs” and I didn’t understand ANY of it. I asked all kinds of questions and tried to understand but I didn’t really understand what we were supposed to do or what the purpose was. I’m going to have to have Blake read the chapter and look at the handouts to see if he understands it and if he does, have him explain it to me because I was lost and frustrated and that’s why I was upset and couldn’t drive on the way home.

Like the one sheet they gave us said this:

Identifying Cognitive Themes

Referring to the Thought Records you completed in Chapter 6 and Chapter 7, try to identify themes that connect two or more Thought Records. Look particularly for similarities in column 5, Automatic Thoughts”, of numerous Thought Records. Summarize the different thoughts by completing these sentences:

1. I am _______________________________________________________________.
2. Others are ___________________________________________________________.
3. The world is _________________________________________________________.

I don’t get it. I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to write on those lines.

Also part of our homework was to bring in “an example of an inspirational/calming quote, poem etc. to share with the group” so I brought in like, 10 bipolar owl pictures and no one got them. There’s an anxiety cat meme to be made about this. And when I went to look up the URL for anxiety cat, I saw this and lost my shit…I feel sorry for people who don’t find these funny:

Tooooooo funny.

Anyway, the kids are home and driving me nuts so I guess I’ll just post this and hope I remember all the other things I was going to write about for next time.

March 20, 2013

Dogs Were Barfing, Monkeys Laughing

Ugh. I feel sick. Ever since I got y’know, super sick, food and I just aren’t friends more often than not. I don’t even know the last time I ate a meal where it wasn’t followed up by Gravol. (That’s a Canadian anti-nauseant. It’s dimenhydrinate and I literally take it at least twice a day.) I just ate left over pizza from Pie and an orange and I basically want to die right now.

ANYWAY…

My copper angel is finally finished. Here she is:

More pictures available on Etsy!
Greeting cards, postcards, stickers, buttons, posters and US postage stamps available on Zazzle!

Yesterday we did our taxes and then we went to Wal*Mart and got new cookie sheets, new pizza pans, a new pot, Easter candy “for the kids” *cough*, the new Walking Dead game and one of the Batman Arkham games for the SexBox, something I can’t say because Madison might read this and it’s for Easter…uh….Blake got speakers for his computer because he didn’t have any and I think that’s it. Then we went to Pie and got a ridiculous amount of food, including their “salty balls” which are little balls of deep-fried dough covered in garlic butter, bacon, flakes of fresh parm and aioli and they are heeeeeavenly. We’d never had them before and since I think I’m pretty much over their pizza and pizza in general because I eat a fucking lot of it, that’s probably what I’ll order from now on. I also tried their mac & cheese which was alright but they put this weird brown stuff on top that’s about the texture of sand that I really really didn’t like so I probably won’t get it again. I did have it for breakfast at 4 o’clock this morning though but still, that gritty stuff on top was just a truly vile texture. It wasn’t even what I’d call “crunchy”, it was “gritty”, like eating fish tank gravel. *shudder* Then we followed it up with Dairy Queen because WE FUCKING COULD and then we came home and I took pics of my painting and then played the Sims 3 University (don’t ask me how it is because I’ve only played it for 39 minutes so far and I haven’t actually gotten a Sim to university yet because my main was knocked up until about half an hour ago) while Blake tried out the new Walking Dead game which he says is “stressful”. I have major issues with zombies, a real love/hate thing with them, so since he’s characterized the game as “stressful” I’m not sure I’ll actually play.

Speaking of The Walking Dead, I’m about 2/3 of the way finished compendium 2 (HOLY SHIT CARL – I’m not a regular reader of comics but HOLY SHIT) and can I just say that I was kinda annoyed that they seemingly told everyone “DON’T MENTION THE SPECULUM” on The Talking Dead this week? That was hands down the creepiest part of the “torture chamber” and they had the props guy on a segment talking about all the tools and he literally mentioned every single thing on the table BUT the speculum. I mean, come ON, if you’re gonna go there, fucking GO THERE. Even just say “this is a speculum, it is used to investigate body cavities”. That is ALL YOU NEEDED TO SAY! I’m betting that 95% of the male audience had no idea what that was or why it was the creepiest thing they INTENTIONALLY put there! (Nothing is on TV by accident, Todd McFarlane even said that.) Surgical needle & thread? Pffft. Gas mask? Please. Bone saw? Old hat. CREEPY SPECULUM IS CREEPY. Chances are though, that’s as far as they’re going to go with it. This show has yet to really shock me and even the comic during this portion wasn’t that graphic. I guess we’ll see!

So we have a new friend. His name is Brian and he’s a comic book author and illustrator, among other things. This is his blog. He is a very interesting person who I don’t actually know very well and I’ve never actually spoken to but who seems like a pretty cool person I don’t hate (always a plus) so I added him on Facebook and Twitter. My friend Rob from The Conservatory said we’d “get” each other and from what Blake tells me (because they had beer together on Monday night) that’s probably true to a pretty ridiculous degree. I don’t know what was said in confidence that night or what’s okay to say publicly or anything like that so I won’t elaborate just yet but let’s just say we’re on the same spectrum. Rob described him as looking like “a young Gandalf”, which I think is pretty accurate. He’s also a former Live Journal junkie, so he comes with a certain degree of auto-cred. (Says the girl with a permanent account…LJs are cool.)

Tomorrow is stupid CBT. I hate CBT. I resent the fact that I apparently need it. I resent the fact that I have done ONE fully completed thought record and I have to complete 49 more to even begin having supposedly balanced thoughts automatically. Momentum has been slowly leaking out of me since January and now I’m just about completely deflated.

And now I’ve upset myself so that’s all I have to say. Bring on the Ativan.

Also I just saw this on Facebook & thought it should be posted here:

October 2, 2012

I am so happyyyyyyy!!!!!!

So last night Blake and I were in bed talking (way past our bedtimes) and we got onto the topic of Squam and how he really wanted to go and that I really wanted him to go too but there would be no way I’d be able to raise the funds x 2 through my site to make that happen since raising the funds for just me was really difficult. And then he said, “well theoretically we could use my bonus…” to which I practically jumped on him because YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be amazing!!!! I want to introduce him to so many people and things like the wish tree and the art fair and the dining hall that made us so much delicious food (he’s a foodie) and of course Thea and Elizabeth (the founder of Squam, who actually wrote a really nice blog post on Thea today, which you can read here)!

The only thing is that we’ll still need money for gas and incidentals so I have to talk to my mom about exactly how much gas was and then estimate incidentals once we know what classes we’ll be taking and what the kit fees will be etc.

This is good news indeed! And EXTRA good news is that I told Belinda this this morning while we were working and she was like “I’m in!” and she said her boyfriend Brian wanted to come again too SO YAY! ALL OF US ARE PROBABLY GOING!!!!!!! I am so fucking excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope so so hard that Thea will be teaching an intermediate photography class!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my other choice will be Alena Hennessy’s “Abundant Wild Life” if it’s offered again next year. It’s a painting class but in the dining hall people would leave their projects on a table and the ones from her class were consistently good and I couldn’t figure out the techniques they were using to get some of the effects so it wouldn’t be like the Pages and Paint class I took this time where I already knew everything. Or maybe I might take some kind of sewing class or a writing class. Pretty much I’ll take whatever Blake wants to take so we can be in the same class together! IT’S GONNA BE SO FUN!!!!!

The thing about using Blake’s bonus though is that it means we won’t be able to move this summer as planned. I don’t see how we were going to do that anyway, but his bonus was going to go towards a downpayment on a new house. I told him that if it were up to me alone, we wouldn’t move until at least Madison was out of high school, keeping in mind that Madison will be out of high school before Wes starts so if we move after Madison’s out of high school and before Wes starts, then he can start grade 9 in a new high school and it would be less traumatic than taking both kids out of school and away from their friends and putting them in new schools. I think it’s important that Madison, since she’s enjoying high school so much, finish high school with the rest of her friends. Especially because despite the fact that it’s a tiny high school, I actually like it. I like the house system. I like how involved in the community the kids are. And yeah, I’m not the hugest fan of this town because there’s really nothing here for me except the post office and the grocery store but I think I would be pretty lost without my shrink and the mental health centre which is about 20 mins away and I like being 10 mins away from the beach which is pretty much my favourite place on Earth. If it were up to me alone, we would move closer to the beach so I could walk there or to Midland, which I really like, but I know that’s not a possibility.

The fact of the matter is, it’s completely up to Blake because he’s the one who has to get up at 6am 4 times a week to drive 2 hours to work and then 2 hours home so he doesn’t get home until 6:30pm. That’s a long day, especially in the summer considering that we don’t have air conditioning in our car. If he can’t do the drive and we need to move, I will absolutely support that 100%, I don’t want him to burn out, but it wouldn’t be my preference.

The other awesome thing is that my friend Ming told me about this stuff called ALPHA BRAIN which is a “nootropic” which is a fancy name for “shit that helps you remember stuff” and I ordered a bottle. From what I can tell, it’s a mixture of vitamins and herbs and they use it for people with Alzheimer’s and they have a money back guarantee. It’s pretty expensive though at $34.95 for 30 pills and I think you”re supposed to take 2 pills a day.

I don’t really talk about it because it scares me and it’s kind of embarrassing but since I started taking psychiatric medications, my memory has gone to shit. Blake and I can have entire conversations, hours long, and a week later I’ll forget it ever happened. He constantly has to tell me things repeatedly or I’ll forget them. He always says “I told you this like a week ago” and I won’t believe him because how could I have forgotten such an important detail? And it feels like he’s trying to manipulate me by taking advantage of the fact that I have a really bad memory. He’s not (probably) but at the time that’s what it feels like. It’s the same with Madison, I’ll be like, “why is this the first time I’m hearing about this?” and she’ll say she told me a few days ago and I’ll have zero recollection. Now, it’s entirely possible that she is taking advantage of me because she’s manipulative like that sometimes but it’s still a problem and it scares the shit out of me that it’s a sign of early onset dementia or something which I’d be prone to by being mentally ill to begin with. I don’t know if 30 pills is enough to really test whether or not ALPHA BRAIN actually works but Joe Rogan apparently swears by the stuff which is how Ming found out about it so I guess we’ll see.

The final awesome thing I did today was I ordered more flower essences from Lotus Wei so now I’ll have all of them but the love one because I don’t need that one. I ordered both the mists and the serums of Quiet Mind for right before bed (“dissolve tension, quiet the mind, sleep soundly”) and Inspired Action for right before leaving the house (“get it done, stay motivated, clear & decisive”). Wes really loves the essences and asks for them now. Last night before bed, I offered Blake some Inner Peace  but he said he was good so I sprayed myself and suddenly, like a little shadow, Wes was there saying “I’d like some Inner Peace” so I sprayed him and then Madison was standing behind him asking for some too. Then today before school, Wes asked for both Joy Juice and Pure Energy because he was running late and needed the energy to walk to school and he wanted the Joy Juice so he”d have a good day at school. That’s why I decided to go ahead and order the other ones even though I’d be putting them on Visa and paying them off over a few paycheques. (I had a 10% off coupon code too so the cost wasn’t too terrible and they really do last a long time.) I believe they work and even if it’s just the power of suggestion, I don’t care. The kids believe they work too and I think they’ve been a positive thing in our lives in the short time we’ve been using them. I think a spray of Quiet Mind and maybe some Inner Peace before bed would be good for all of us.

And that’s been my day so far. I’ve been spraying myself liberally with Pure Energy all morning and I’m wiiiiiide awake! I had steak for breakfast/lunch, which Belinda helped me cook because I didn’t know how (it was okay…not my favourite way to cook steak [ in the oven]) and for the rest of the day I’m going to work on learning Lightroom. And getting caught up on e-mail because I’m behind.

Also in case I haven’t mentioned it in a while, just about all my paintings are still in my Etsy shop for cheap and I don’t plan on making any more like these so now’s the time to buy! Another thing is that I have lots of cool stuff like stickers, greeting cards and posters and iPhone cases available in my Zazzle shop! In fact I *just* sold another iPhone case and a sheet of stickers over the weekend so thank you whoever you are! I appreciate your business!

Okay, off to tackle Lightroom and e-mail…

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