October 16, 2015

Best Thing Ever #2: “The Womanizer”

If you’ll recall, a while back I said that if I found anything I considered to be the best thing ever, I’d tell you all about it. The first Best Thing Ever was the Philips Wakeup Light, which I still use, and Best Thing Ever #2 is this lovely little gadget, “The Womanizer“. The greatest sex toy ever created with the absolute worst possible name.

So last night I wanted to go to the sex shop and buy whatever their best water based lube happened to be and then get sushi. We go to the sex shop with the intent to buy ONE pump bottle of good lube but when we got there, the store was in a bit of disarray compared to the last time I’d been there because maybe they were rearranging things for Halloween or stocking new products or under new management or whatever but the lubes were easy enough to find because they were at the front of the store and the dude who was stocking them showed me where to find toy friendly water based lubes in both the flavoured and unflavoured variety. To be perfectly honest, flavours never even occurred to me. Whatever, I don’t need 20 gallons of lube, so I grab the pump bottle of what he suggested (a gel, it’s Canadian and pretty nice, but they were out of “Fuck Water” which is a product made in my province and would have preferred) and I start my loop around the store, half assedly keeping an eye out for a specific toy that a camgirl I knew used to have that I always wanted to try. It was like, a vibrating wand with a little plastic or rubber circle on the end of it to go around your clit. I didn’t see anything like that so Blake asked me if I wanted him to ask the guy to help us and I said sure and next thing I know, Mr. British Accent is trying to sell me this $229.99 clit stimulator with the worst fucking name ever: The Womanizer.

At first I was just like, flat out, no way, because I’d just purchased a LELO which was pretty pricey and felt I had blown my sex toy budget for the year, but the more he got  talking the more it sounded like an interesting idea: a touchless orgasm. You heard me, TOUCHLESS.  When I told him how I couldn’t see the Womanizer doing anything to me that my LELO didn’t already he asked, “how would you know? Have you ever had a touchless orgasm before?” Hrm.

I told him we’d look it up on the internet and come to a conclusion, paid for our lube and went to get sushi (which actually ended up being BBQ ribs and butter chicken). The whole time we were gone from the sex shop I was thinking “we should go back and get that” except I knew I didn’t have enough money for it after buying the LELO. As we waited for our food, Blake said something like, “That Womanizer thing seemed pretty interesting,” to which I replied “yeah I’m REALLY interested in that” and the next thing you know, we were back at the sex shop going halvsies on one.

The one above is the exact colours I got, but had I have had more patience, I would have ordered from Amazon and got the blue one, which I think is cooler. If you’re in the US, click here. Also, not gonna lie, it’s $40 cheaper on Amazon Canada than the Stag Shop (Canadian sex shop), but for $13 I got the Stag Shop’s extended warranty which covers it for 2 years and even covers when it inevitably stops holding its charge. (Oh yeah, it’s rechargeable.)

Anyway, this is how you use it:

You lay down or sit down and relax, spread your legs and put the opening of the Womanizer’s suction cup lookin’ thing over your clitoris so it’s covered by it. The Womanizer makes this easier to do by glowing red in the dark if you press the power button and turn it on before applying it to your clit. Pressing the power button turns it on the lowest possible setting so you’re not notta have anything shocking hit your clit or anything. Then with your thumb, because they designed this thing pretty brilliantly for how you’d hold it, you can increase the pressure/vibrations 5 more times. Then you wait. Seriously. Lay there and wait and within 5 minutes you will have an intense orgasm that causes things to pulse and convulse. Hit the power button again to bring it back down instantly to the lowest setting which lulls your clit back into a warm, nice place and then wait another minute or two, then turn the setting back up with your thumb and within 3 minutes you’ll have your 2nd Earth shattering orgasm.  Repeat until you’re spent!

Clean up is SO SO SO easy. You just pop off the suction cup part and clean it with soap and water, dry it off and replace. It fits in your hand so it’s discrete. Nothing worse than having to walk down the hallway carrying a Fist of Adonis to the bathroom and getting busted by one of your kids. (Kidding! Sort of….)

So that was last night. Last night I used it with a dob of lube on my clit figuring it would be necessary but it  really isn’t, and I had 3 orgasms. This afternoon I used The Womanizer without lube and had around 8 or 9 orgasms in about 15 minutes. I finally feel like my multiorgasmic self who ISN’T sexually gimped by antidepressants! Hooray!

Also the orgasms are somehow deeper with The Womanizer than any traditional clitoral vibe I’ve used. It really is touchless. There’s a teeny tiny bit of suction, but it’s not a suction device. It’s a vibration device but what’s vibrating is the air WITHIN the suction cup part, like when you put your hand up to a subwoofer and feel the air in front of it pulsating. The Womanizer is very similar.

Anyway, I can’t possibly imagine buying another clitoral device again. There’s no point, this one is perfect! Now if only we could get them to rename it…

THE END.

April 3, 2014

Reasons To Be Beautiful

I don’t know how I feel today.

I’m ridiculously, stupidly, unbelievably happy about this Hole reunion things that I almost can’t even think straight or even move. Like, I don’t even know what to do. I feel like I should call someone to tell them but A) I don’t think my mom would care and she’s the only person I would ever call for anything and B) I’ve already posted the Rolling Stone link everywhere I can think of.  Speaking of Rolling Stone, this is my current cam image:

This is Rolling Stone dated August 24th, 1995 and it’s very special to me for a few reasons. Mostly, Alex gave this to me and it is one of the best things anyone’s ever given me in my whole life and that is because Lollapalooza ’95 was my very first concert and my first time seeing Hole  and one of the best, weirdest days/nights of my life  and this issue is mostly about that. According to the cover anyway, because I’ve never actually opened it or read it  because I’m scared I’ll damage it. I did just acknowledge on Facebook that this was probably stupid and I should just read it because it’ll probably never be worth anything to anyone but me, but even after I posted that I still debated and decided to just put it back in its safe spot with the Juxtapoz magazine with the Mark Ryden cover that I’ve also never opened (I plan to frame both of these at some point if we ever overhaul my office…)

Hole getting back together might possibly be the best non-important news I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life and I mean that pretty literally in that I cannot think of anything I’ve ever heard that was any better and I can also say that the day they announced they were breaking up was one of the worst non-important things that has ever happened to me and I mean that pretty literally too because at this very moment, I cannot think of anything worse. And when I say “non-important” I mean, in my whole grand scheme of things. On a life level, they are seriously bipolar moments. It may seem silly but they get notable tickmarks on my life line, despite the fact I never remember the dates of anything so I don’t actually know when they broke up. I just know it sucked to be Blake that day.

It’s also a sunshiney day today, I had peanut butter and toast for breakfast even though it made me feel sick afterward (but was okay after cannabis) and I’m listening to my “Like a Hole in the Head” playlist which is all Hole, so it’s pretty much impossible for me to be in a bummer mood, but this is going to be sort of a bummer post maybe because yesterday was a good/bad day.

By good/bad I mean that it was a good food day:

There were a lot of tears before most of that food happened but it happened.
Wouldn’t have if Blake hadn’t have worked from home yesterday and drove me to Clover for a bag of chips and Flynn’s for a sandwich, of which I ate half, but it did.

The unfortunate thing though, is that a food day like yesterday cannot be duplicated for a while because the chips are bad for my pancreas, despite taking enzymes, and are just bad in general and I rarely eat them and their kind of Havarti cheese is sliced sort of thick and it’s spiced so I can’t really have that very often either because it tends to make me feel sick, as does the mayo (I like mayo a lot but if there’s too much on something I can’t eat it; often wiping some of it off isn’t good enough either, it’s either made right the first time or I don’t want it which sounds bitchy but the problem is that if it DOES gross me out too much to eat because there’s half a jar of mayo on something, there goes ALL my eating for that day because any time I think about food, until I fall asleep and forget it, all I can think about is the thing that grossed me out). I drank the ginger ale with my sandwich to help me keep it down and I figured the extra calories would make the dietitian happy even though they’re shitty calories. Ginger ale is pretty much okay any time, but I don’t drink pop with sugar and I think diet ginger ale is disgusting so it’s basically only used as a medicine to me. There’s probably not even enough ginger in it to be beneficial, it’s probably just the carbonation that makes me feel better (as diet Coke also makes me feel better but sometimes not as well as ginger ale) but sometimes it works so I just go with it.

So yesterday was a good food day AND a mostly sunshiney day but it was also mostly a bummer day because, to put it simply, there is no joy in my life. Even until today I hadn’t listened to music since Florida because I am so sick of everything that I’d prefer silence. And that makes me sad because that is a first in my life, my life has never been without soundtrack. Normally, as long as I’m awake and as long as we’re not watching TV, there is music playing because silence traditionally drives me insane because it’s never really silent and I can hear every little goddamn thing. The neighbours are having their roof done starting today and all morning I didn’t even have music on to drown them out (they’re on a 2nd story roof, but only feet from my office) because until the Hole thing I just didn’t give a single fuck about anything auditory.

I have no art and that makes me sad. My whole life every teacher and my mom and just about every adult I encountered have all remarked on my so-called creative “talent” and I have been conditioned since I was wee to feel like that’s all I’ve got. That’s the only thing that makes me worth a damn. And it’s gone.

Sick of paint.

Sick of paper.

No interest in canvas – front OR back.

Even glitter has lost its lustre.

Polymer clay didn’t really work out although I haven’t given up on it completely. Actually I have a $48 gift certificate for Amazon.com and all I can order from there is books so if anyone has any recomendations on a couple of good books on polymer clay, I’d definitely be open to them. Right now I have this one and this one in my cart but I’m scared to waste the gift certificate on something I won’t like or use so if anyone has any opinions on those books specifically, I’d like to hear those as well. Amazon reviews are terrible and I don’t count on them for much. I chose those two books because they looked the most comprehensive and had the nicest covers out of the others I found when I searched. The others were very specific like, “how to make X with polymer clay”, which I don’t really want either I don’t think so that’s why I passed over those. I’m just scared that polymer clay will just be another dead end and I’ll have wasted the gift certificate on something I’ll end up donating to the library in the end anyway.

I have no interest in photography. Part of the reason photography was fun was because the people I was taking pictures of liked to see themselves through my lens. But then Madison started getting self-conscious I think and didn’t want me to take pictures of her anymore and I love Wes to the end of the Earth and back but he is the WORST model. He likes the idea of taking pictures and he likes seeing them afterward, but he is such a massive pain in the ass that unless we’re doing something specific, forget it. I took a couple of classes and got okay at taking pictures of my family. And now I think I’m done. This is not my thing. If I need to document my life, I have my phone and my iPod and both will upload to the internet immediately which is usually what I’m going to do with them anyway. Like, I see pictures EVERYWHERE – EVERYWHERE! – but I feel too self-conscious carrying the big camera around with me and most of the stuff I want to take pictures of you either probably aren’t supposed to and/or you’d have to ask permission and I’m not down with either of those potentials. I want to be the girl who carries a camera and a Swiss army knife but I just don’t think that’s me. I don’t know how to be that person.

And like, throughout all of this, as I’m writing this, I’m thinking, “did I ever really give it a fair try?” and the answer, I feel, is “no”. So there’s that bit of fucking guilt laying in the pit of my stomach now. A couple thousand dollars worth of camera equipment and no…whatever ingredient it is I need to be that person.

My girls. My beautiful girls. I decided that what’s on sale on Etsy is what’s for sale and once they’re gone, they’re gone and there will be no more for sale. I will only make boys and girls as gifts and this was pretty much decided when one of our friends the other night told Blake that he was expecting his first child and I realized…holy shit man, so many of our friends either have babies right now or are having babies right now or are soon to have babies right now that I’m pretty sure I’m only going to paint them for girls and boys I know from now on and not until the bun’s out of the oven, hopefully starting with our friend’s son Apollo. The only worry I have with that is I’ll feel pressured to make them for everyone, like maybe people who think they’re better friends with me than they really are, or that someone might feel offended that I didn’t make one for their kid. Realistically that already happens though, so I guess I shouldn’t worry about it too much. I haven’t decided on commissions yet. We all know how I feel about them and we all know that if I’m low-balled I’m going to be seriously pissed off, so it’s probably just best if I didn’t. Zazzle shop is staying. Truthfully, I find the Zazzle stuff more interesting than the originals and so far I’m my own biggest customer. I don’t understand why more people don’t utilize that when I’ve been hearing for years and years that people wished they had a more inexpensive way to procure my work. Originals are work, man. I can’t afford to buy the world a Coke. I’m still interested in the colouring book idea although I’m sure that by the time it’s actually finished, you won’t be.

All I have right now, creatively, what I’m clinging to, are these two writing projects I’m sort of not working on at the moment simultaneously. I loved writing at Froth but Froth has shitty hours (only open until 6pm/4pm on Sundays and it takes half an hour for us to get there; even with Blake working from home, the earliest we can get there is like, 5 and by the time we get set up with food and drink and are ready to work, they’ll be almost ready to close) and Froth is really expensive. We’ve scouted out Wasaga Beach and a few other places for nice, independently-run coffee shops that don’t care if you’re there all day/night and have wifi. And aren’t full of annoying kids. All. The. Time. And actually now that I think about it, we didn’t try the Starbuck’s that’s inside the Chapters bookstore in Barrie which is tiny tiny but most people get their shit and go browse the store so if they have tables at the back that I haven’t seen because I haven’t been back there, I’m betting that might be a more adult place to write that’s open relatively late and isn’t super expensive. Sucks that it’s Starbuck’s* and the music (among other things) is terrible but Blake swears to me that he thinks that’s the best we can do. I’d love to just write at Tim Hortons but they don’t have Coke products and I don’t drink coffee. I’d love to write at the Coffee Time down the street that’s SUPPOSED to be open 24 hours but really closes between 8pm-9pm, depending on how busy it is, but I don’t think Blake ended up liking it there. Can’t remember why. That place would be good because I could maybe go there during the day if I got comfortable enough there with Blake and write without him and they have Coke products BUT! I asked Blake if he would buy me a patio table with an umbrella for our front porch this spring BECAUSE, and I DECREE:

If I am going to plant the fuck out of my front yard this summer and put in all that effort, I am NOT going to hide in my house like a little fucking mouse like I have every other year, only scuttling out at 7am when no one’s around to take pictures. NO! I will sit at my patio table on my front porch and I will drink my own Coke products and eat my own free food (or not, as the case may be) and I will write there! Whenever I fucking feel like it! Have laptop, have wifi, have diet Coke, have bong – the only potential problem here is me. And rain.

This is what I’ve got going for me right now: flowers, two stories to work on and a patio table. And I have to wait for half those things at the moment so basically until then it’s Bummersville, population: me. Apologies in advance.

I am getting more and more excited about the garden the more sunshiney days we have, though. I can’t plant anything until next month but I’ve already sent Rugg my Keep Off The Lawn 2014 flower wishlist and we’ll see what happens I guess. I’m hoping for a lot of things on it, but mostly the lily of the valley “pips” which I think are like bulbs except they’re not dormant when you plant them like the ones you plant in the fall are? Anyway, these you plant in the spring and I specifically wanted them because they are the flower of May, which is the birth month of both my grama and her mother, my great grama, the latter of whom used to lay in bed with me at night and we’d list all the flowers we could think of. Then we’d list all the birds and she’d do all of their calls (poorly). Then I’d fall asleep. She had lily of the valley in her garden and because it was both her and my grama’s birth flower, it was just around a lot growing up and it’s an important plant to my family. I don’t have any and they also happen to grow well in shade, which is exactly where I need them because so far I can’t find anything else I like that will. If I recall correctly, lily of the valley likes to spread itself around if it’s happy, I feel like my gramas were constantly giving some away, so instead of digging up the daffodils and hyacinths in the front bed in front of our living room window and relocating them for something a lot bigger like peonies (which won’t grow in shade), I want to plant the lily of the valley all around them so they’ll fill in the whole bed and it’ll look full the whole growing season, unlike now when the daffodils and hyacinths peter out by May and then the bed lays empty or full of weeds for the rest of the season because nothing else will grow there. (Speaking of daffodils and hyacinths, I just checked and they’re both up and out of the ground about an inch and a half so far, so that’s pretty cool.)

Actually, that’s only partially true. Originally these ugly things were in that bed and the first summer I was here and we did the front garden I ripped them out of the bed because I didn’t like them and planted wildflower seed instead (which didn’t grow) but then I felt really bad at this pile of still-alive flowers I had dug up and didn’t know what to do with them AT ALL so I basically ended up just transplanting them a few feet forward. So dumb. Now they’re there and I still hate them every year and wish they’d die on their own but the fuckers thrive instead and I have no idea what to do with them. Suggestions welcome. I don’t even think I could drive them somewhere, throw ’em in a ditch and wish ’em the best. I’d feel like such a terrible person, I would not be able to live with myself. But every year they grow and every year I think about it…maybe I should let them grow, cut them down and decorate random graves with them…hmmm…

Anyway, I think that’s all I’ve got in me for  today. Well, there’s one more thing but it’s its own post and isn’t about me at all or even important.

(*I like Starbuck’s. TO GO!)

February 4, 2014

Best Thing Ever #1

So I get a lot of e-mails from people and companies who want me to promote their “thing” on this blog and basically I never bother answering these e-mails unless they’re really rude and then I tell them off. This is because I don’t believe in false endorsement. And I don’t think anyone else should either. I think people should be honest about the shit they like and the shit they don’t like and to be passionate about both the shit you love and the shit you hate.

This post is a culmination of three things:

– Got an e-mail yesterday from a guy with a cause whose pitch was compelling and something I thought was sort of cool but it was a yearly event that had just passed. Because I thought his cause, his story and his implementation of it was good enough and something I could get behind, I e-mailed him back and told him to remind me next year before the event and I would mention it in a post. This is RARE and something that I’ve often said no to to friends and acquaintances because I just wasn’t connected to the cause in any way and didn’t feel like it would be genuine.

– I just had a conversation with someone about the fact that I have this weird character flaw where if I really really like or believe in something, I’ll do everything I can to be involved and help that thing succeed whether it benefits me in any way or not. I have a history of this.

– I just got an e-mail from the Amazon.com affiliates program saying that since I hadn’t earned any ad dollars from them in 3 years, if I didn’t update my payment and tax information to be paid out, they were going to charge me a $10/year maintenance fee. At first I thought, “go right ahead” because I’ve hardly ever used my affiliate links for anything, mostly because I’m really lazy and don’t want to load up Amazon every time I want to talk about something, and the reason I never signed up to be paid out all these years (since 2006 haha) is because they wanted me to fill out a tax form and for a long time I didn’t have  a working printer and scanner  so I couldn’t or at least not without difficulty. Then I just forgot about it and every time I got an e-mail from them I just deleted it unread because the amounts were always so small they seemed insignificant, especially when their minimum payout is $100 anyway. But when I got that e-mail today I logged into my affiliate account with the intentions of closing it since I knew I was nowhere near the amount to be paid out and to my surprise I was half-way there (big accomplishment in 9 years, shut up). BUT I still wouldn’t make enough to be paid out before they started charging me that $10 fee. Then I saw that you can get paid out in Amazon gift certificates which would be useful to me, so that’s what I did.

These three things, combined with the fact that I’ve generally felt really negative the last little while and am actively trying to bring more positive into my life and therefore yours too since you read this stuff, made me decide to make this post because it’s about something I love, something that was given out of love and it’s something on Amazon. I don’t actually care if you buy it on Amazon if you can find a better deal somewhere else or something similar, but this is mine, my experience and my story and I apologize if the advertising offends you. These posts, if I make any more, won’t always be about things you can get on Amazon but if they are available on Amazon, I’m going to link them with my affiliate link because there’s really no reason not to and actually not doing it is sort of a waste of perfectly good copy.

This is my first Best Thing Ever:

When I first got my job over 3 years ago now (although this month is the 2nd anniversary of getting hired back after being sick), the ability to get up in the morning was a legit concern because for most of my life up until that point, I had been a mostly nocturnal, cave-dwelling troll. My attempts to switch things around when they first hired me were really really difficult and I was seriously scared I’d made a huge mistake, when my friend Kevin linked me to the Philips Wake-Up Light (the one in the picture is actually the Philips Wake-Up Light Plus, which has a dusk setting, and is only available on Amazon used for a mere $499) and asked me if I thought I’d use it. I told him I’d try it so he sent me one and I’m not even kidding, like within a week I was getting up at 8am every morning like a normal person. This is also how I wake up at 4:30am every morning without waking Blake up (usually). It’s one of the best things I’ve ever been given!

Say you *have* to get up at 7am, like that’s the absolute latest you can sleep without being late for work. You set the Philips Wake-Up Light for that time and what happens is at 6:30am, the halogen lamp will come on very dimly, so it’s practically just glowing in the dark. Then over the next half hour, the light gradually increases to simulate a sunrise and as it does this, according to the box, “the light increases the level of energy in your body, preparing your body to wake up” so by 7am, the light is at its brightest and it just wakes you up naturally. An optional feature is that at 7am either the radio or the sound of birdies comes on to make sure your ass is awake, which is a function I have turned on, but I’m so used to the light now that I wake up naturally about 10 minutes after it comes on. That IS if I got enough sleep the night before. If I didn’t, then those fuckass birdies are going to wake Blake up and then he’s going to poke and grunt at me until I get up and since that sucks for both of us, I just go to bed at a decent time every night and getting up at stupid o’clock in the morning and NOT becoming an axe murdering psychopath isn’t as difficult as people assume it is, thanks to the Philips Wake-Up Light.