October 6, 2013


My macro class got cancelled because there weren’t enough people signed up to go through with it. I’m going to sign up for the one in the spring though, and hope there are more photography students who need the class for their certificates. I’m kind of relieved. Fall just isn’t my good time of year AT ALL so throwing the added pressure of a class onto an already stressful time is probably a bad idea. Plus, the class conflicted with Madison’s art class sometimes too, which made things even more stressful. So I guess the class being cancelled was probably a good thing. Unfortunately I signed up for the fall class specifically because I wanted to learn how to take a picture of a single snowflake and that seemed more possible/likely to happen in the fall than the spring, even if it is early spring. Oh well. I’m sure there’s a tutorial on how to do that on the internet somewhere anyway.

Last night while I was working, I leaned on my right armrest and the stupid thing snapped off! So now I only have one armrest, which is really annoying.

Also last night while we were watching Saturday Night Live, Madison and Blake – for reasons I’m not totally clear on – decided to bleach and dye Blake’s hair pretty colours, so here’s some pics from that:

So that was our Saturday night.

I have today and tomorrow off from work but we’re not doing anything special. It’s rainy and blah outside so we’ll probably just watch the Sam and Dean Show and possibly play a game of Cards Against Humanity if I can get everyone (including myself) motivated. I finally used some of our blank white cards by writing the names of everyone we know on them, including our pets so hopefully if we play, those cards will be in the mix.

On Friday I went to Curry’s and got a pink mechanical pencil that I’m going to use when I’m drawing my girls for the colouring book maybe. I’m not usually a fan of mechanical pencils, but this one is pretty cool so we’ll see what happens. I also got like, 8-10 new Pigma Micron pens because I’m wearing mine out pretty fast from using them for the colouring book. I got 3 sheets of hand-dyed artisan paper that I plan to use for paintings and I also got these neat Liquitex paint markers in pink and light aqua so my career as a graffiti artist is well under way! (That’s a joke. Unless it isn’t!) And finally, they had the new glitter Sharpies for $11.99 for 3 of them, so I got myself the pink, blue and green pack (sorry Lisa!). They’re pretty cool, actually. More metallic than glittery though or maybe I didn’t shake them up enough.

On our way home, I asked Blake to stop off at Shopper’s Drug Mart because I wanted to get hair dye (see roots, above…), with full knowledge that Shopper’s Drug Mart is dangerous territory for me because I could easily buy out the whole store with little assistance or trouble. I got my hair dye and Blake got shampoo, conditioner and leave-in conditioner and I got 3 bottles of nail polish because 2 of them were on clearance and 1 of them I just liked. One is by Quo, which I think is Shopper’s Drug Mart’s brand and it’s a gold glitter polish called “Gold Rush Sparkle”. The next one is by Sally Hansen (the “Gem Crush” line), called “Showgirl Chic”, and it’s a polish with fine silver glitter but with bigger – but not by much – blue glitter. I’ve never seen a polish like it before and it was like $3, so bonus. And finally the one I’m most excited about is “Mermaid’s Tale”, which is also by Sally Hansen and it’s a blue glitter polish, which sounds so ho-hum, I know, but it’s actually pretty much identical to Natalie Dee’s Super Black “The Bends”, which is A) expensive and B) they won’t ship to Canada and again, the one I got was only like, $3.99.

Anyway, I’m sure you all find that fascinating. I know I do.

The last thing I got was the National Geographic photography special edition because I hadn’t seen a National Geographic in god, at least 15 years, and because obviously I like photography. I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet but I’ll probably do that…when I get around to it. I am so far behind on reading it’s ridiculous. I just haven’t been in the mood or inspired to read anything or continue reading what I am reading (And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini, On the Road by Jack Kerouac (yes, still) and I’ve been trying really really hard to get into Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie and it’s just so…I dunno if I can do it) but that’s not necessarily unusual. In my life, I’ve gone through phases where I won’t read anything for like, a year or maybe even longer and then after that I’ll devour books like crazy. I think these days I’m just feeling a little more audio/visual.

 Madison’s never seen the original Carrie movie. Like the Brian de Palma/Sissy Spacek masterpiece that is definitely within my top 5 favourite movies of all time. So we’re going to watch that at some point today and I can’t fucking wait.

And I guess that’s all I have to report. I hope everyone’s having a fantastic weekend! Peace!

May 28, 2013

Won’t You Please Fawn Over Me

Lilacs are the best smelling flower. We have a lilac bush in our backyard that I swear has never flowered before now because we’ve been gardening in the garden right beside it for at least 5 years now and I’ve never noticed it. And I love lilacs. Last year we noticed the ones along the side of the house for the first time and this year my baby one in the front is flowering for the first time. All 3 sets are different kinds. The ones at the side of the house are frilly and a very subtle purple. Almost white. The baby bush in the front yard is dark purple. The one in the backyard has petals (?) that are more defined and the backyard one has more scent than the ones at the side of the house.

Oh fuck it, I’ll go take pictures even though it’s crazy windy…

Okay so here’s the one in the backyard. I dunno what the little “petals” are actually called, they’re almost like little flowers themselves, but these ones are more well-defined than the others:

These ones are on the side of the house, see how they’re frillier than the one above? Also almost white, but not quite:

And this is the baby one in the front.

The ones in the backyard smell the strongest so I cut a bunch off the bush and they’re sitting on my desk. I have a fan in here that’s oscillating on the other side of the room and every few seconds it swivels toward the lilacs and blows the scent directly toward me. It’s lovely. Unfortunately cut lilacs don’t last very long or at least that’s been my experience. I’ve heard that you’re supposed to put sugar in the water, you’re supposed to cut their stems on a slant, you’re supposed to crush the ends of their stems…I didn’t do any of that because I’ve never found any of those things to actually work.

Last night we went out for dinner with Brian and I learned that sometimes when a product says it has “natural vanilla flavour” it’s actually an extract from the anal glands of beavers. I don’t know if I believe this, to be honest, but that is what I learned.

Alma’s is closed on Mondays (boooooo) so we went to Steeler’s and I got chicken fingers because you either get chicken fingers or a clubhouse sandwich at Steeler’s since that’s their best menu items and I didn’t feel like navigating a clubhouse while wearing the particular lipstick I was wearing. It’s long-lasting “14 hour” lipstick but I find that all goes to hell when you introduce any type of oil, like mayo, and I didn’t bring the lipstick with me to reapply because honestly, I’d forgotten I was wearing a face full of makeup until I saw my reflection in the window when we were going into the restaurant. Normally just bumming around Elmvale, I either don’t wear makeup at all or very little, but yesterday afternoon I was taking pictures of myself for this post because I dyed my hair “Atomic Turquoise” and of course, y’all would wanna see it.

Anyway, dinner, Steeler’s. After dinner Brian asked if we wanted to walk around the block, so we did and he and Blake talked about how they were the “last men” for many lesbians and that dancing at the gay bar is the best kind of dancing and I don’t even know what else, but what I noticed is that our town has a lot of lilac bushes which are all obviously in bloom right now. Huge bushes that have to be 60 or 70 years old. Or older. You even see them when you’re driving around in the most random places and I think “why would someone plant a lilac bush there?” I don’t think they’re naturally occurring but I could be wrong.

After we walked around the block, we ended up back at Brian’s house, which is where we parked, and we came in briefly while he got some comics that we’d lent him. We met his cats, Veronica and Beatrice, who are tiny little squirrely kitties compared to Pixel, our fatass.

Then we came home and watched Behind the Candelabra. I give it a B-. Acting was good, story was weak. There were certain things in the movie where I think they relied on the assumption that you knew about Liberace to begin with. I didn’t. I didn’t know until this movie that Liberace died of AIDS complications. He died when I was 8 and it just wasn’t on my radar. In fact, until the movie last night, I didn’t even know Liberace was alive during my lifetime. Anyway, I only watched the movie to see if Michael Douglas and Matt Damon could pull off a Brokeback Mountain and they did, it was all very natural. Granted, I have no idea how Michael Douglas’ performance was compared to the real Liberace, I just mean that I totally bought that he and Matt Damon were lovers. The best part of the movie was Rob Lowe. I dunno wtf they did to him but he/his character was amazing.

Just to get it out of the way, here’s the pics from yesterday…

I measured yesterday and my new hair that started growing back after it all started falling out when I was sick is now 8 inches long.
Also that is a terrible picture of me but I’m posting it anyway because I don’t think there are any other pics of me and Wes except for maybe when he was a baby.
I should have adjusted my f.stop so he’d be in focus but I just grabbed him as he came home from school.

The above pics were obviously taken with the good camera.
These ones were just taken with my webcam:

My roots are a liiiiiiittle green tinged because I used the bleach that came with Madison’s Splat dye rather than the stuff I usually use and the Splat bleach doesn’t bleach it super white like Garnier does.
It leaves a bit of yellow.
I didn’t think it would matter that much but it did!

Oh well.

Yesterday I said all I was going to do was dye my hair and paint my toenails and if I succeeded at those two things then it was a productive day. Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow I have to go see my shrink. As per usual I don’t really know what to talk to her about. I’m going to ask her if Rick’s back yet. He went on leave “for personal reasons” in Feb. or March and they said he’d be gone 6 weeks so he should be back. I didn’t want to get started with another caseworker unless I knew he wasn’t coming back. Honestly now that we’re moving, I don’t even know if I want a caseworker at all because it just seems so pointless if I’m going to be starting from scratch in a new area after we move. Part of the reason I stopped driving was because I didn’t know any of the roads or where anything was and now I know a little bit so that’s why I tried driving again, but when we move it’s going to be the same thing as when we moved here, I won’t know the roads or where anything is.

Also I’m not so much sold on Beaverton anymore. I don’t think the grocery store there is 24 hours, which is a big thing for me, and my mom and John are complaining constantly that nothing’s open past 5pm, not even most of the restaurants. It does have a movie theatre but with only 1 screen and I think it only shows one movie at a time. About the only thing it has going for it is that my mom’s there, I like the school district and it has pretty houses. This is the one we’re looking at right now. Or hoping to look at. I think our real estate agent is getting sick of showing us houses when our house isn’t ready to sell yet. Blake touched up the paint in the kitchen this weekend and we’ve contacted another contractor about redoing the bathroom since the one who came out to see the bathroom doesn’t like to reply to e-mails and is pretty much a write-off.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of to write about and Wes is going to be home from school soon so I guess I’ll just stop writing now! BYE!

PS. Blake and Madison are $180 short of their fundraising goal for the Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay For Life! Click here to sponsor them!

April 18, 2013

The Whacky Morning DJ Says Democracy’s a Joke

Since I’ve been up since about 2am and seem to be wired for sound with nothing better to do, I decided to get out the tripod I’ve never used, throw on some mascara and see if I could get the camera remote to work even though I’ve never used it before. I had to get out the manual because I couldn’t figure out how to turn on live view (it’s one button, duh) and since my camera has a swivel display, taking “selfies” (oh Blake’ll love that) was pretty easy. Then I went outside and took pictures of flowers since the rain had stopped. (We had quite the thunderstorm earlier.) So here are my pics. Be kind.


Lucky shot. ;o)

You can really see my trache scar in some of these. The middle pinky one was the actual hole, the four silvery “corner” type ones were from the actual trache mask.

The flowers Blake bought me.

Dunno what these are.

Dunno what these are either. They might be the same things as above, only not open yet.

Same things.

Soggy crocuses.

No idea.


So that is what I did this afternoon. Brian is going to be here in a minute because I am giving him comics and then I have my work meeting and then? Then I am probably going to have a nap because I’ve been up off & on since about 2am and I am going to crash & burn verrrrrrry soon. I think some of these pics I’m going to have printed out at Black’s. Some for Blake and some for my grama.

Also? Another reason I want to move is because there is NOWHERE in this house to take pictures. That is the ONLY place with decent light and there’s a goddamn air conditioner and a drill/saw set in the way. And that’s an ugly chair.

February 8, 2013

Somebody Mixed My Medicine

As I often do, I titled this post with a lyric or song title. Some people get it, some people don’t, some people have no idea that I do it or that I do it often or if I do it every time…..so now you’re going to wonder. And then when you think you’ve gotten it figured out, you’re going to wonder “why” and that’s exactly its own answer, cupcake. That’s all I know.

So yesterday I went to group CBT therapy. CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and this is what the booklet they gave us about it says:

“Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapeutic treatment (or “talk therapy”) that helps people to understand the thoughts and feelings that influence behaviours. CBT focuses on the “here and now”

CBT can help people to make sense of overwhelming problems by breaking them down into smaller parts. This makes it easier to see how they are connected and how they affect you.

CBT is commonly used to treat a wide range of disorders, including phobias, addiction, depression and anxiety.

The underlying concept behind CBT is that our thoughts and feelings play a fundamental role in our behaviour. For example a person who spends a lot of time thinking about airplane crashes, runway accidents, and other air disasters may find themselves avoiding air travel. The goal of cognitive behaviour therapy is to teach people that while they cannot control every aspect of the world around them, they can take control of how they interpret and deal with things in their environment. “

Then it has this little diagram which is as equally boring as the above paragraph, blah blah blah. I went in the cab, with Blake. There and back. So hello, mission accomplished right there – with a minor freak out after the fact  but I’ll get to that.  CBT? I retained NOTHING from that class, holy shit. I’ve been going over the course material off and on all day and doing my “homework” which is to fill out this mood chart. Here’s mine for a week, naturally I started today:

The next slot now says “EAT. CAKE. BLOG. 92.5”

I’m scared that when I show them mine next Thursday, because don’t forget, I have to do this shit every single week and ideally every single day for the rest of my life. Or something. I don’t really get what happens post-CBT, like does that mean I’m a saner person then? Do we get a grade? Like, Rick mentioned that some people have to take it multiple times and I’m thinking flat out “fuck. that.” so tell me the point, lemme figure out how best to get an “A” so this hellacious experience can end. I committed to 10 weeks of this bullshit so let’s get this show on the road. Anyway, what if we have to like stand up and say stuff about our charts or if they look at our charts and say things about them in front of the class? I was kind of tuning her out for a while there because it was a lot of information to hit you with all at once so thank god for all the handouts, so she may have said what’s going to happen with the charts once the week’s completed. Do we keep them? I want mine, definitely. I just really hope they’re not held up in front of the class. The 2 ladies running the class have their phone numbers on the big book of stuff they gave us but not their e-mail addresses and that’s a sign of mistrust right there. For me, I dunno how other people feel about that. If you can’t put your words into text, I’m probably not going to listen to them. It’s that I have a legitimate issue with my hearing or rather how my brain filters sound or something, though. I need repetitive sound in my environment which probably explains a significant portion of my musical choices, but more to the point is that I have to ask people to say things more than once or explain them differently, often, or I’m not going to understand.  This probably means I’m retarded or stunted or whatever but it’s just something I’ve noticed over the years. I am OFTEN listening to music that isn’t there. I can’t help the fact that yes, I probably AM seeing things that aren’t there. Yes my meds are working this is just me using my imagination and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it. THANK you, for asking.

So the people in my class…at the beginning of the class pretty much the first thing we did was go over the group guidelines which are all pretty much no brainers (hey did you know that “brainer” or “giving brains” means getting or giving a blowjob now? blew my mind! haha) but the one most relevant to my purposes in doing anything was rule #1: “confidentiality is essential for everyone to speak freely and feel safe.” Cool by me but I make no promises about one day changing people’s names if anything funny happens. Rule #2 was “Please listen respectively while others speak.” No problem considering I don’t plan on saying a single word while I’m there ever. But then rules #s3-8 are all about how you basically have to or the group will call you out haha So like, that makes my life right there.

But whatever, CBT was really fucking boring, getting there and back was a lot less boring and I only slightly freaked out about it today, the day after, and I’m done freaking out so let’s talk about it shall we?

First of all, I looked cute godammit.



I asked Twitter and half of the people said pink and half of them said turquoise.
I went with the pink.

The cab was supposed to be here at 12:30pm but I went into the kitchen at 12:15pm there it was in the driveway, white and grey and blue? I don’t even know. Lady driver, I sat behind her, said “hi”, smiled, whipped out phone and tweeted until we made it to the mental health centre. Blake made small talk with her, which annoyed me but she was an old lady cab driver and I get the appeal of hearing stories so whatever. Let the ladies gossip. So we get there and Blake had to go inside and get a slip of paper from the office for the cab driver which he got and gave to the driver which I was grateful for because I don’t think I could have done it. While he did that, I claimed a spot in the waiting room for the CBT group.

So after CBT I’m not really sure what happened, if Blake asked the receptionist to call the cab or if the cab company knew to come but we waited a while and made stupid jokes in the front foyer of the building and then the cab came and we got in. I sat behind the driver again, this time a dude. When we got in, I got out my phone and screwed around on Twitter and Blake started making small talk with the guy.  This annoyed me immensely because if these two drivers are going to end up being my drivers every time and I am going to have to deal with them every Thursday, sometimes by myself if all goes as planned,  for the next 9 weeks and they think I’m going to sit there and make small talk with them the whole time everyone’s of their damn minds. Isn’t there like public transit etiquette in which you can ignore any and all people from point A to point B except to get out of their way? Why can’t I just talk to my friends on Twitter the whole time I’m in the car? Inquiring minds here!

So the cab thing was pretty nerve-wracking and I guess the plan is the same next week. I suppose I should e-mail Rick and tell him how the cab thing went. I’ll probably just paste him what I just wrote.

Last night was also the first meeting of the Springwater Guild of Artists and Artisans which I was super nervous about but Mike, the photographer that kinda runs things, he was really nice and so was the guy to the right of me who was described to me as “young Gandalf”, which is funny and true and I forget his name. I just know that he’s an illustrator and that he apparently “gets” me, which I found pretty humourous and wondered what on Earth there was to “get”, but whatevs.  There was an older dude there with an accent whose name I missed even though he said it to us twice. I got the sense that he’s a business owner in town of some sort. I didn’t recognize anyone from the website, which I meant to check last night but got distracted by drugs and Community and just needing desperately to sloooooow dooooown. I still haven’t sent Mike any of my stuff for the site yet. I have all the pictures at the appropriate resolutions and sizes for various things, the hard part is the bio and Blake so he wouldn’t write it *for* me but that we could work on it together. So maybe we’ll do that tonight.

Right now Madison and Blake are in the kitchen making garlic mashed potatoes, peas and pork chops. During and after dinner, I plan to put Blake’s poor brainmeats back to work. (He only finished working a few minutes ago, luckily he worked from home today.) Anyway, that’s all I have to say…OH WAIT, no it’s NOT!

On my chart, from 11am-12pm got a 75 because during that time I convinced Madison that making us all french toast for breakfast was an awesome idea and she agreed! Score! Today’s been pretty good. Yesterday sucked but I got through it, today I just needed to not be on (hence why I’m wearing the same clothes today as yesterday but I swapped yesterday’s jeans for today’s yoga pants). Anyway, here are some pics from 10-12. Peace oot!

I also got a massage!

November 14, 2012

I Don’t Really Have a Whole Lot To Say…

…because all I accomplished today besides work was dinging 62 with my shadow priestess and doing 39 minutes and 47 seconds on the treadmill (burning 137.5 calories and walking a whole kilometer) while catching up on New Girl with Madison…but I wanted to share these two really good things I saw on the internet today.

1. Some Thoughts and Musings About Making Things for the Web by The Oatmeal

2. AYearWithoutClothes.com
(If Tumblr pisses you off and confuses you like it does me, here, I did you a favour and linked you to the beginning. Oh and if it wasn’t obvious, this blog is not safe for work.)

I have to go to bed in an hour like a chump because I’m covering for someone else at work tomorrow and need to be sharp as a tack. Normally I get up around 4-4:30am, check e-mail, look at Facebook, whatever, until it’s time to start work at 5am. Then I work my shift and if I’m still tired, like I was today, I’ll go back to bed for a couple of hours.

Tomorrow I don’t have that option so I took my meds an hour early and hopefully the loxapine will have kicked in by 8pm so I’m actually asleep by 8:30pm. This is the plan. However plans like this never seem to work out for me so, ever the optimist, I’m expecting tomorrow to royally suck. That’s why I vowed to make today as fun as possible.

Tomorrow night is Touched By Fire. I have a lot of thoughts about Touched By Fire this year and the fact that this is going to be my last year doing the show, but I’ll save that for Friday. Charlie’s coming to the show with us and we’re going to The Keg for dinner beforehand, so I guess tomorrow won’t suck completely.

Okay now I’m going to go eat ravioli out of a can for dinner and convince Blake that we should watch an episode of Revolution before my night is over.

October 11, 2012

Good Days/Bad Days

Yesterday was a good day. Obviously the day before I was losing my shit for no apparent reason so Blake decided to take a half day yesterday and go into the office in the afternoon because he had a meeting later than he normally would any other day anyway. (That’s an awkward sentence, I hope that makes sense. It really doesn’t matter, I guess. He took a half day to spend with me. That’s what’s important.)

He and I both worked in the morning and after I was done, I slept on the couch until he was done and then he said that it was shitty outside so we couldn’t take pictures (and like I said, taking pictures inside our house, especially on a crappy, rainy day is basically impossible unless you want to use ISO 3600 which I wouldn’t want to do) but we could go out for breakfast. So I said yes and we decided to go to 50’s & 60’s Diner in Wasaga Beach because honestly, that’s my favourite place to get breakfast around here and they have limited hours so we don’t get to go a whole lot. (And yes I realize that there shouldn’t be apostrophes in their name but they apparently don’t know that because that’s what it says on their sign and on the menus so let’s pretend that’s okay.)

For the first time ever, I strapped on my giant camera backback which is about half the size of me and weighs about 40 lbs (I have no idea if that’s true, I just made that up, but it IS heavy as fuck) and the backpack and I barely fit in the front seat of the car together. But whatever, I’ve got to get used to taking it with me everywhere right? So it came with us.

For breakfast I got their version of an egg McMuffin which was an english muffin with an egg on it (duh), 3 slices of bacon and then they put about 5000 tons of marble cheese on it and then I think they broil it to melt the cheese because the cheese was crispy on the edges and then they put the other side of the english muffin on. I added ketchup. And while it was a heart attack on a plate and cost $6, it was very very good and I would really love to have another one.

50’s & 60’s Diner used to be called Galaxy/Galaxie Diner which used to be a chain of 50s & 60s-inspired (awesome) diners that started up maybe 10-12 years ago but then the franchise went tits up and the diners were all left stranded, having to fend for themselves. Most of them closed. There’s one in Barrie, which is still called Galaxy Diner that we go to often but all of the other ones I knew about before the franchise filed for bankruptcy are all gone now. There may be one in Newmarket but I’m not totally sure and you guys don’t even know where that is anyway.

In the spirit of the golden oldies era, they’ll mix you a vanilla or cherry Coke, which I always get when I’m there and I usually get one to go too because you just can’t get cherry and vanilla Coke here and especially not in fountain pop which is sometimes better. (Although sometimes you get a squirt happy waitress who puts too much syrup in, like she did yesterday, but it’s usually still okay, just a little cloying.)

All of these diners have a million old-timey metal signs for Penzoil and Coca-Cola and stuff like that all over their walls and those little records that I think are called 45s? 50’s & 60’s Diner has this cool airbrushed mural of Marilyn and Elvis on the right side of the restaurant that I’ve always liked. Above Marilyn’s head there’s a metal street sign that says “Marilyn Ave”.

After we were done eating, I asked Blake to ask the waitress if I could take pictures in there since the place was pretty much empty and completely empty on our side of it and she said “sure” so that’s what I did. The whole point of this exercise was to figure out this FUCKING 50mm lens from the fiery depths of HELL, which was mostly unsuccessful because I just do not understand the concept of “depth of field” and DON’T GIVE ME ANY FUCKING LINKS THAT TRY TO EXPLAIN IT BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING POINTLESS so the pics aren’t that exciting but I’m going to post most of them anyway because it helps ME to see them all in a row in a blog post on my site and y’know, it’s my show so here we go:

First of all, this is what 50’s & 60’s Diner looks like on the outside. These pics are crappy because I’m an idiot who left the aperture at 1.4 to basically take a landscape which is just stupid. Also because this lens is THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER, I had to literally go across the road to take the 2nd picture. I can’t estimate like feet or metres or whatever, but it was ridiculously far away. I would not have had to do that with my original lens and I still don’t really understand why. Blake’s tried explaining it to me and I just don’t understand. I’m not ungrateful for this lens, it just really pisses me off because I have absolutely no fucking idea how you’re supposed to use it and I’m finding it extremely frustrating. I also don’t know how to make my camera focus on what I want to it focus on so right now I have it set to just focus the little red dot in the middle instead of having all the other dots. I’m just going to focus everything in the middle for the rest of my life and creatively crop everything, godammit.

Anyway, this is 50’s & 60’s Diner:

The good thing about this lens being a total bastard is that it got me to cross the street all by myself which is something I normally wouldn’t be able to do. But I was pissed off because that was the only way I was going to get this shot so I did.

Marilyn & Elvis.

Now here’s where the pictures get boring and repetitive because what I did, on Blake’s suggestion, was I threw the camera on aperture priority and took basically the same picture at every f.stop from 5.6 all the way down to 1.4 which is as low as this lens goes. (For Raya: The lower the aperture (the number), the more shallow the depth of field.) I did this just to practice and to get a feel for how to use this lens. I failed utterly because I just don’t understand depth of field at all, even with diagrams, because it just doesn’t make sense in my brain, but I’m going to post the pictures anyway. Or some of them. All of them can be found here.

So this is 5.6. I focused on the inner edge of the table and everything is pretty much in focus. 5.6 has a wider depth of field than say, 2.8. On the surface I get that but it falls apart later on:

This is 4.0. Focused on the inner edge of the table still but the depth of field starts to narrow from 5.6 perceptibly (but not in the LCD screen because it’s too small to notice or the viewfinder for reasons I can’t quite figure out because I don’t understand why the camera doesn’t just show you what you’re looking at like a pair of glasses, but whatever) as you can see the right edge of the table blurring.

This is 2.8. The right edge of the table, the back edge of the table and the left side of the booth are blurred because the depth of field narrows AND becomes more shallow. In theory I understand this. I see it with my own eyes. I didn’t move my position the whole time I was taking any of these pics, I just changed the aperture (and the camera changed the shutter speed automagically because it was on aperture priority, despite this, I did notice that the lower my aperture, the darker the pictures got and I don’t think that’s supposed to happen?).

1.4. The lowest it goes. Only a stripe, so to speak, starting at the corner of the table and going diagonally is in focus, although it’s hard to really tell when the picture’s this size and when there’s sheen from the window on the table.

2.8, which was the aperture recommended to use in general with a 1.8 50mm lens in a link my friend Mariko gave me the other day:

First of all, I LOVE THESE CHAIRS. I want them for my house.
There’s this restaurant where we used to live called “Good Eat” that had the same ones when I was a kid (with matching bar stools) and I’ve just always loved them. Then again, I love glitter, so…

Anyway, 2.8. I was fairly close to the chair when I took this picture and I think it’s a pretty perfect picture. I’m not saying it’s high art or anything crazy like that, I’m just saying that what I wanted in focus WAS in focus (for once, with this lens) and what I wanted blurry WAS blurry. I think I like 2.8. I can work with 2.8.

This is stupid 1.4. As you can see, the bottom and side of the chair is blurry. Only the top edge is in focus, really. I was the same distance away as in the gold chair pic. Maybe a tiny nudge closer. I’m starting to wonder why on Earth anyone would WANT 1.4. All it does is takes shitty pictures.

1.4 from further away, focused on the corner of the blue chair. The edge of the blue chair is out of focus though and that’s dumb so this picture would probably be better taken at maybe 2.0-ish if I wanted the VERY left edge of the blue chair out of focus and the VERY right edge of the gold chair also out of focus. Right? Although probably at 2.0 the whole gold chair would be in focus since I had the little red dot thing focusing right in the middle. I still don’t understand the dots and why they focus on the wrong things at random all the fucking time.

And here’s where everything I thought I knew about depth of field falls apart:

I was focused dead centre on the sugar dispenser so why the HELL is only a little strip of the stupid TABLE in focus? Why aren’t the S&P shakers in focus too? I was like, 8 or 10 inches away! This was 1.4 btw.

Also 1.4. This lens is going to fucking end me. Again, dead center focused on the sugar dispenser, why is the table in focus but not the S&P shakers? I took this at the end of the table so maybe a foot & a half away. Our friend Dave said that with 1.4 you should shoot from far away and crop in but I tried that inadvertently with this pic and with the outside diner pics and they’re all terrible.

So that was my little photo exercise for yesterday. I had fun taking the pictures but  editing them this morning just annoyed the shit out of me because I don’t understand why most of the 1.4 ones look like shit. I know I just have to keep practicing until it makes sense and that if I’m unsure, just put it to 5.6 so it will act like my other lens (except for the fact that you have to be really far away to take a picture of anything and I really really hate that) but in the meantime I’m going to bitch and moan about it and post terrible pictures and you guys are just going to have to put up with it. :o)

After 50’s & 60’s Diner, we went home and Blake went to work and once he was gone I lit some vanilla incense, which I kept going all day so my office smells heavenly, had a shower and put on clean clothes, which is something I hadn’t done in quite some time because I mostly just don’t give a fuck (I even shaved my legs, ooh la la!) and watched Dowton Abbey all day while I painted my toenails glittery red to match my outfit of light red, flared track pants and a bright red tank top). Then around 3:30pm, I made myself an early dinner of Pilsbury Crescent Rolls and I went to bed at the proper time for waking up at 4am for work and still having a family life which, for me, is 9:30pm. Also during that time I was very social on Twitter and Facebook and all in all it was a pretty fantastic day.

My only complaint is that Madison was being a pain in the ass and driving me crazy and Wes came home from school crying because a kid at school is picking on him, a car splashed him on his way home (in the rain) and he was soaked and he almost lost his umbrella in the street because of the wind. So he had a terrible day, but I sprayed him with Inner peace and Joy Juice and he went and watched TV and chilled out and was fine. I told him if that kid touches him again today, to tell his teacher that this kid is BULLYING him and to use the word BULLYING because the school has zero tolerance for that supposedly and if she doesn’t take him seriously after using that word then Blake would have to call the school.

Madison waltzed in after school while her brother was sitting on my office stairs still crying and announced that she had a wonderful day. I told her I was glad she did and that Wes was not so lucky. She said she didn’t want to hear about that because it would “harsh [her] mood” and I said “How very selfish of you Madison, thank you for proving me right about you once again,” to which she replied that she didn’t want to hear that either because it would “harsh” her mood and she went into the living room.

After I got Wes settled watching TV, I went back to watching Dowton Abbey and minding my own business but Madison got bored and came in and wanted to tell me about her day, so I patiently listened to ALL THIS INANE (look that word up on Dictionary.com, Daniel) HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT AT ALL BECAUSE IT WAS POINTLESS BABBLING THAT WASTED MY PRECIOUS TIME (which I eventually told her but she’s so selfish that she didn’t care and kept telling me anyway even though I told her I didn’t care or need to know any of what she was telling me and that I wanted to watch my show (my stories haha)). I don’t need to know that some other kid I’ve met once is infatuated with some other kid I’ve never met who Madison and her friend don’t like. And now I’ve told you because I know you care as much as I do.

Anyway, good day despite kid aggro. A good day for me is a day where there’s no room to be depressed, where I’m constantly stimulated but not only that, that I have a reserve of stuff to do later. Like part of why yesterday was so great was because I could watch Downton Abbey all day BECAUSE I had all these pictures I could edit TODAY, so the goodness from one day can carry over to the next day. That makes me feel good. Being productive makes me feel good. Making and sharing things makes me feel good. Writing this post is productive and makes me feel good. Having a shower and painting my toenails IS productive to me. Yesterday was completely productive and good.

Today won’t be so great because I have a work meeting and I’m in trouble at work and I have no idea how my boss is going to be toward me but everything on either side of 2pm should, theoretically, be good, because the sun is out temporarily and I think I’m going to chow down some Ativan and go on the trail. I’m scared I’ll get caught in the rain though while I’m out there so I may not do that, but if I don’t, I’m going to keep watching Downton Abbey and doing my best not to be depressed, as hard as that is to do.

So that’s my plan.

August 14, 2012

The Spoon Theory

Someone on Pinterest, Bella Bellini I believe, pinned this meme called “fuck yeah bipolar owl” on Tumblr and I’ve been reading it all night and reading the best ones out to Blake and posting them on twitter because for obvious reasons, a lot of them pertain to me.

On that Tumblr, they answer a lot of questions from people about bipolar disorder and someone made reference to “The Spoon Theory” so they linked to it. Well, the link was dead but I googled and found the original article. Here it is. It’s actually about a woman living with lupus but even she says that her theory could apply to anyone with a disability, especially with an invisible disability because people understand those less.

(And actually in looking back at the Tumblr, Bella actually made the meme about the spoon theory. It can be found here.)

Tomorrow my prescription for 18mg hydromorph contin runs out. I only have one pill left. I have to go down from 18mg to 12mg and that is going to really really suck. Then I have to go down from 12mg, gradually, to nothing. That is going to really really suck too because at this point, I am absolutely an addict. I’ve been on this shit for 14 months. I can tell what time it is by the amount of narcotics in my system. :o/

Tonight when Blake was done work, we went to Wal*Mart and I got some things for Squam. I got a big pink Tupperware type of storage container for all the art supplies I’ll be bringing and a 32g memory card for my camera since all I have is the 8g one it came with and that lasted me for about half of Madison’s graduation so that won’t work for a 4 day trip where I’ll probably be taking pictures a good portion of the time. Especially on the first day since I’ll be taking a class on how to use my new camera. I also got two 14 hour lipsticks, one that’s more of a darker pinky kinda colour and one that’s more of a neutral plum. The plum one is actually pretty close to my natural lip colour and I wanted it so it doesn’t scream “HELLO! I AM WEARING LIPSTICK IN THE WOODS!” while I’m at Squam so I’ll be wearing makeup but it won’t really look like I am. I wouldn’t even bother with makeup but the first day the lady teaching the class is going to be taking our “spirit portraits” and from looking at past Squam sessions there’s lots of people taking pictures so I don’t exactly want to be schlepping around the whole time.

I can’t believe Squam is one month away. When we signed up to go it felt so far away and now that it’s here I’m just…excited isn’t the word, I dunno what I am. Ready. It’s like, my life has been super planned and out of my control for so long and Squam is kinda like, the reward for going through so much hell in the past year+. (So if you helped me get here, THANK YOU!)

I don’t know what happens after Squam. I’m trying  not to think about it. I’ve put the whole case worker/immersion therapy thing on hold until after Squam because Squam feels like the end of something rather than the beginning. But at the same time it’s one of those experiences where it could absolutely change my entire outlook on everything and it could be the beginning of something. It could absolutely change me, or at least my outlook on life in some way. I’m just going to have to wait and see, I guess.

My memory is crap. I blame all the psych meds for that. So I apologize if I’ve already mentioned this but I decided a couple of weeks ago that I’m not going to be doing Touched By Fire this year. (And now it feels like I’ve written that before but maybe I only thought it…) The call for entries started about 2 weeks ago and I wasn’t in any shape to start anything new and their stupid deadline is September 2nd, which is ridiculous and doesn’t give me enough time to do anything I’d be proud of so I’m not going to bother. I’m going to ask my shrink – maybe – if I can borrow “The Two Sunnies” to submit to the show because it’s the closest thing I have to their theme. I see her on the 31st so I’ll ask her then. I’m sure she’ll say yes, that she’d be honoured etc. This is “The Two Sunnies” for those who have never seen it:

I don’t like the idea of putting in sold work, I’m not really sure why though. I think it’s because it seems like a waste of time to go to the show since it’s downtown Toronto and a pain in the ass to get there and stuff for something that’s not even going to net me enough money for gas. At the same time, it’s a night out where I’m one of the guests of honour and that’s sort of fun. And I get to dress up. And Charlie will probably be in town so he might be interested in coming with us. He likes art. And I’m sure my mom would want to come again if I got in. So I guess if it’s okay with my shrink, I’ll enter that and hope I get in.

I had a painting in mind for the show that involves “The Yellow Wallpaper” that I meant to start ages ago and just never got around to and now there’s simply not enough time, especially because it would be a fairly large piece. Maybe after Squam I’ll make it anyway and just save it until next year’s Touched By Fire. They also have a website with a gallery where you can sell your paintings but I’ve never sold anything on it and to be honest, I’d be surprised if anyone else did either because the site’s practically unnavigatable (unnavitable? spellcheck says both are wrong!). They just redid it but I still don’t see an easy “buy” function. The site can be found here. I highly doubt anyone would buy the painting that I have in my head but I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t sell enough paintings to care about actually selling them anymore. (That’s partially why all of my paintings are on clearance at the moment. Honestly I’m just sick of looking at them and as I’ve mentioned previously, I have to make room for new paintings.)

I’m almost finished my latest painting, although to be perfectly frank, I’m not all that impressed with it. I posted a really crappy pic of it on Twitter the other night when I was working on it and the response was positive but I’m not happy with it. I think it’s because I used some premade elements on it that I normally would never dream of but I wanted to try something new. Madison likes her. I dunno, she just looked a lot better in my head, when I was putting all of the elements together. I’ll varnish her tomorrow if it’s not too humid (humidity makes varnish take forever to dry) and of course when she’s dry I’ll post pics and put her up on Etsy.

On Saturday night a cop came to our door and we were served with our subpoenas for Alex’s sexual assault case. We have to go to court on the 29th. ALL of us. Everyone who was at my house at the time of the assault, even Deanna and her boyfriend who were in a bedroom sleeping at the time and who live 2 hours away. They’re probably going to come over the night before and sleep over so they don’t have to get up at 5am to be in Barrie for 8:30am. The Scratching Post kids are going to come here with our friend Heatha, who was asleep at the time of the incident but who was awake when that scumbag was sitting on my couch carrying on a conversation minutes after he stuck his finger up my unconscious best friend’s ass. He is the reason we don’t allow crazy people like me to have guns in this country. As it turns out, he is also being charged with basically breech of probation because guess what? He’s up on RAPE CHARGES via his son’s mother. Jen’s trying to pinpoint when that actually went down because they obviously have mutual friends and what she’s been able to piece together is that he (I refuse to say “allegedly”) raped her a couple of weeks before he assaulted Alex. When the cops were here the morning after my party, they said he had “two similar charges”, so the rape is one, but what’s the other one? Why was this piece of shit not in custody like he is now? Obviously the judge after Alex’s incident realized that he’s likely to reoffend before his trials so he’s been in jail since it happened without the option of bail. GOOD I say. I hope he’s having the time of his life and making lots of nice, large friends in the shower. See how he likes having things put in his ass without his permission. Fucking creeper.

I’m so scared about giving testimony. What if I forget something or what if the other lawyer trips me up and makes me say the wrong thing and this fucker walks? The only thing that’s keeping me sane (and I can only imagine how Alex is feeling, she’s been live journaling a bit and she’s having a bit of a hard time with things for obvious reasons) is the fact that he has these two other “similar” charges and we know what the one is. There’s no way, especially with a public defender, that he’ll get off on all three incidents. Something has to stick. I’m scared that since Alex only saw the back of his head in the dark and none of us saw him actually do what he did that he’ll get off. The only good thing that I can think of is that Alex saw him get spooked by the rattling of our bathroom door (it was Kara) and take off through the living room, toward the front door landing which is where Kara found him a few minutes later. She made first contact (as far as we were aware at the time because we obviously didn’t know what he did to Alex yet or he wouldn’t have a face left). She asked him who the fuck he was (in those words) and he said he was there to meet Jen and that he’d been knocking for 20 minutes. Well first of all, there were people in the kitchen so if he’d have knocked, someone would have heard him, but also, if you’re knocking on a door for 20 minutes, do you THEN decide to just walk in? Or would you either go home or maybe try another door? The guy was obviously lying and the whole time he was in my office I thought maybe he was mentally challenged or something. Like Jen brought him up to me earlier in the night like to tell me that he may be coming and presented him as a would-be love interest so the whole time he was in my office, I was thinking Jen had finally smoked herself retarded because this guy was an idiot.

I don’t really know what else to say about that.

I see Dr. Hanrahan on Wednesday and hopefully she’ll give me the all clear to go swimming at Wasaga Beach and if she does, we’ll be going swimming directly from her office. I’m a little worried she might say no though because there’s a good inch long section of my scar that’s really infected. Like green and oozy and bright red. It is my belief that natural water helps infected wounds, swimming in lakes has always helped heal my infected mosquito bites, but Cheryl disagreed because “things grow in water” so maybe Hanrahan will too. I hope not though. I really really want to go swimming this summer. :o/ I did have my first real bath in 14 months yesterday though and it was pretty amazing. I used a Sunny Side bubble bar, a Kiss Me Klimt bath bomb (discontinued) and Karma soap! All by Lush.

I Wii Fatted myself yesterday or the day before and I’ve lost another 4lbs so now I weigh 118. I bought a ton of size small ribbed tank tops in a billion colours in like, 2005 or 2006 on clearance from Old Navy because they were only like $2 a piece but I never got to wear them because I went on psych meds and gained a billion lbs. But now they fit! I’m wearing a coral one right now, which I wore under my overalls when we went to Wal*Mart today.

The only other interesting things I got at Wal*Mart today were back to school supplies. Blake got the kids pretty much everything they’d need and I bought myself new pens and highlighters and erasers because they had the good white Staedtler erasers on sale for $1, which are the only kind I use. And I go through a lot of them. Couldn’t find Chapstick brand lipbalm anywhere in the store, which pissed me off because that’s like, a staple. That’s like not having milk or sugar or bread. Chapstick is everywhere! But not at Wal*Mart apparently. Boo. I had to get Blistex Lip Medex instead. Not nearly as nice as Chapstick but good for putting on before bed.

Riveting, I know.

Okay I started writing this post at like, 9pm and it’s now 3:30am so I think I’m going to hit “publish” and put my tired ass to bed.

August 8, 2012

The KKK Took My Baby Away

Just to update everyone on the current situation:

Madison has finished watching 8th Fire and while I haven’t spoken to her specifically about what she said yet (and maybe I won’t because I know she’s remorseful) I can tell she understands why what she said was so vile.

Like I said before, she thought Native people were like, NATIVE PEOPLE who live in the bush and hunt with spears and stuff. The first episode (or maybe the 2nd) of 8th Fire is actually called something like “Natives in the City” or something like that and it’s about, well, First Nations people who live in cities and not on reserves. That one alone should have set her straight.

I received this e-mail from Blake’s mom this morning and I just wanted to share it:

—————————- Original Message —————————-
Subject: just a quick note
From: “Blake’s mom” <blakesmom@nunyadamnbidness.com>
Date: Wed, August 8, 2012 7:51 am
To: “Sunny Crittenden” <Sunny@sunnycrittenden.com>

Hi Sunny,
I read your post about Madison and just wanted to tell you about her visit last summer.
She went to YMCA camp for several days and it was a very diverse group of kids.
When we went to pick her up she was surrounded by many friends and many kids came up to say “good-bye” to her.
Madison was friends (as close as kids can be in just a few days) with all colors and backgrounds. She just liked people and people liked her.
You should be proud of her because you’ve done a good job and she’s a good kid with no guarding, judgement or prejudice in choosing friends that I could see.

And like I said to her, that is exactly what made Madison’s words so shocking! When Madison was in grade 1, there was a new girl at school named Asha. And Asha was brown. (I don’t know what ethnicity she was and I don’t think I ever met her, I just know she wasn’t white.) Madison’s whole class, and almost the whole school, was white and none of the white little girls wanted to play with Asha – except for Madison. And they became good school friends until we moved here.

So Madison ISN’T a racist (I was half joking when I called her a “raging racist” yesterday, consider it hyperbole), she just said a really racist thing because she was ignorant. Now she is not ignorant and now she will never make that mistake again. And when we go to pow wow, her mind will expand even more and I think things will start to click, especially with Kara telling us about her family history. A good time shall be had by all, although I really wish Ronny & Alex could come. :o(

Anyway, I just wanted to update everyone on the situation. Things between Madison and I are okay-ish. I snapped at her yesterday because she was being irritating while I was trying to watch something, which I probably shouldn’t have done because things are kinda precarious between us at the moment, but I’ll apologize for it today and I think things will be okay. She also made me breakfast yesterday so things are looking up.

All day yesterday, after work, I watched Gossip Girl and worked on my daisy painting. So far it’s been really challenging and things haven’t really gone as planned but I think it’ll all come together in the end.

Yesterday I sold two ACEOs! Yay! Definitely buy them now because once these are gone, I don’t think I’m going to be making any more. Not like those ones at least. I still have a stack of about 40 cards that have backgrounds and are ready to go but god knows if I’ll ever use them for anything. Maybe I should just sell the cards as they are on Etsy for like, $2 or something. I doubt anyone would buy them, though.

Squam’s coming up! Mid-September! I’m starting to get excited! I’ve been having Blake cash my Camwhores cheques in US cash to bring with me and I feel rich with all those $1 bills! haha I have procured my wings, they are so so beautiful, have a look! What the listing doesn’t mention is that they JINGLE! There are little bells under the feathers so they jingle when you walk! I love them! I also have the Squam pre-requisite fingerless gloves too (these ones and these ones), which I also got on Etsy. Unfortunately they came from a smoking home though and they REEKED so I had to hand wash them TWICE in cold water and hang dry them. They’re beautiful, but I wouldn’t buy anything from that shop again because you shouldn’t have to do that. And then I got this for my mother-in-law, just cuz. (She sails.) I gave it to her at our anniversary party and she loved it. :o) I wanted to get a tutu that matched my wings, this one in an adult size is what I wanted, but the lady said it would cost like $50 to make it and I thought that was just too much for something I’d probably only wear once for a picture.

I think I’ve mentioned this before but on the first day of Squam, my first class is a photography class called “Spirit Sessions” where the teacher is going to teach me how to use the Digital Rebel but also, since she’s a photographer, she’s going to be taking our portraits. I’m *very* nervous about this. I really hate people taking my picture because they never turn out well. I usually look either fat or retarded or both. :o/ But anyway, that’s what the wings are for. I figure if there’s going to be picture taking, I should at least make an effort. And what REALLY sucks is that I think class starting at like, 9am, breakfast at 8am and since there will be picture taking, I’m going to have to do my makeup super early in the morning and that sucks. Also I don’t know what to wear. I have lots of clothes but I don’t really have anything that I want to be photographed in because I think I’ve been photographed in most of them to begin with. I dunno. Charlie says we can go shopping before Squam so hopefully I can find something then.

Okay, I think I’m going to go finish watching Gossip Girl and work on this painting. Or maybe have a nap because my morning pills are kicking in…Happy Wednesday!

June 26, 2012

I don’t have a title. So sorry to disappoint.

June 26th: Madison’s graduation
June 28th: Scary IV radioactive kidney scan for Dr. Ray
June 29th: Staff meeting
July 5th: Appointment with (potential) new caseworker, named Rick
July 7th: Anniversary Party
July 11th: Dr. Hanrahan to plan surgery based on all these test results
July 12th: Dr. Ray follow up to discuss scary radioactive kidney CT scan

Yeah so basically I’m shitting bricks about all of the above. No amount of reassurance or soft talking or logical thinking is making any of that okay.

Madison’s graduation. Crowds. Public, communal food. Kids. Wes being bored out of his skull. But mostly it’s the beforehand stuff that has me concerned. Jen’s going to be here around 11am so that means I have to go right to bed when my shift ends and get up when she gets here. Then hang out with her (which is fine, she’s my friend obviously and I’m sort of looking forward to that, I just wish we could do it later in the day), have her cut Wes’ hair, then do Madison’s hair and then potentially my hair if there’s time (I think I want to cut most of the bottom off because it’s so scraggly from when I lost a lot of my hair in the fall). Then my mom should be here because she wants to see Madison get in the limo…yes, you heard me: a limo for a grade 8 graduation. I told you it was a big, hairy deal where we live! A bunch of the girls in Madison’s class all put their money together and they rented a limo for the evening. Not sure if it’s black or white, but Madison’s pretty stoked about it.

But it gets even more ridiculous: so after the graduation ceremony probably my mom and I have to come back to the house to help Madison into her SECOND grad dress, the one she can actually dance in. See her ceremony dress is an evening gown (a really gorgeous one, I might add) that’s really long, even with heels, so she can’t dance in it. Hence the second dress. Don’t even ask me how many pairs of shoes she ended up with because I’m not even sure. Charlie kept finding a pair he liked better AFTER already sending us the first pair to go with the second dress and of course it’s all for keepsies so she now has all these shoes that are all really really nice but really really not practical for anything. But that’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anything and they’re just shoes and she can really walk in them (the heels), like she could walk a runway no problem (not that I think she should be a model or anything, I just didn’t know how else to demonstrate how she walks in them, of course she could be a model if she wanted to be one, but blah blah blah) and if she likes them then good!  Everyone should have stuff that makes them feel good!

I’m going to be wearing sandals (fuck..I’m going to have to paint my toenails, I really really don’t want to do that, it’s so hard to do with this belly), jeans and my Free People uh layery, sheer, black with blue trim, babydoll tank top dress type of thing which is my standard uniform for “functions” right now because it hides my giant belly or at least minimizes it because the rest of me is pretty thin, like my arms and legs and stuff it just looks like it’s the shape of the top. Anyway, that’s what I’m wearing. That and my little black crocheted purse, an aquamarine Glitz Glitter necklace and my Digital Rebel. I’m not going to bring the camera bag. I can put the polarizing filter (for outside shots) in my purse along with the lens cap and I’m good. I’m used to not bumping that region of my body on things, I think I can keep it safe. The issue I’m going to have to talk to Blake about is light, like should I bring his flash and bounce it off the ceiling for the shots inside the gym. I dunno, I just saw someone do that once and I’ve been learning about bouncing light from this lady the last little while so I thought maybe it would be something I should do.

Anyway, that’s what I’m wearing/bringing and then after the ceremony, we’re bringing Madison back to the house to get into her other dress, which is a corseted dress, and that means I have the GREAT HONOUR of threading her royal highness, princess Madison of Sunnyland, in. Yippy!

And then it’s back to the school and the gym for the dance, which I wish we could stay for but parentals are absolutely not allowed on the premises for that so I’m going to ideally take some pictures of her in that dress in the school hall, which I’m sure will be lit better than outside.

We didn’t get official school graduation pictures with the gown and everything because they were cheesy and awful and Madison really didn’t like them (I thought they were fine for what they were) so we’re going to take a pic from her actual grad and have that printed and circulated to the family members not in attendance and that will be her “official” grad picture. All these free prints came with my camera, so we might as well use them! That’s what I reckon, anyway.

So that’s grad. Oh also, our grad present to Madison is going to be her first pair of Doc Martens. They are going to be knee high, black, identical to mine (except bigger because Madison doesn’t have feet, she has canoes) and she’s REALLY hoping she can get them by tomorrow (haha) to wear with her grad/party dress. I wish her and her dad the best of luck but I am not optimistic. Also her corsage is a wrist one and it’s going to be a white rose. Fancy schmancy.

Thursday I’m back at the hospital for that scary IV radioactive kidney scan. That’s all I know about it, that it’s radioactive, there’s an IV involved and they take pictures of your kidneys all lit up. I’m getting a little worried about all the radioactive crap they’ve been putting in my body lately and then adding radioactive scans on top of it all. In a 6 week span, I’ll have had 2 CAT scans and now this kidney scan. In the past year I’ve had at least 6 more that I REMEMBER + maybe 8 x-rays of my chest because of all the fluid building up that they continuously had to monitor and drain with a giant needle and god knows how many scans and x-rays when I was at St. Mike’s. I do not remember St. Mike’s *at all* and I was there for a month. I was the sickest person in their ICU, I’m assuming they did a lot of scans to keep an eye on things. Oh and ultrasounds, but as far as I know, those are only sound waves (?) and aren’t harmful at all. I mean, they do them on pregnant women so I’m assuming they’re pretty much a-okay.

Not to be a Negative Nancy here,  but if my next big, life altering, fucked up, oh god Universe, enough!, event is cancer from all of this fucking scanning? I am going to be SO pissed off. Beyond pissed off. And sad. Because cancer is a horrible, sad disease and I do not want to go out like that. That’s why I quit smoking, I mean, I just don’t want to die or almost die for a really really long time and I want to die of natural causes, okay? Isn’t that what everyone wants (more or less)? Cancer is not natural. Then again, living this long, in my case, isn’t either because without all those scans I would have died. So there’s that. But smoking REALLY isn’t natural so that’s another good reason to *stay* quit.

I’m getting off topic. So scary test is scary and it’s at 11am so I won’t get any sleep between work and the test which suuuucks and then the only instructions we were given was to be “well hydrated”. So what does that even mean? Full bladder? Several times over full bladders? As in, drink enough stuff, ideally water, so you can pee a few times before the test and I know you really do need to flush your kidneys after the test, especially if your kidneys have been compromised somehow so I guess they also mean that we should bring lots of water to drink afterward. That’s how I’m interpreting such little instruction anyway.  And honestly, it’s not so much the radioactive cancer stuff that freaks me out, it’s the IV because it’s a big short fat one and it hurts and anything involving veins just freaks me right the fuck out.

Not last time but the time before that? When they took the IV out, they told me to hold the cotton gauze on ground zero for a minute and sent me on my merry way, I ended up bleeding all down the hallway, all over myself and all over the gown I was wearing (thank god I was wearing that – ladies & gentlemen, stfu when they make you wear the gown, it’s for your own good). Last week, they told me specifically to hold it, hard, for at least 5 minutes. Funny that. And I’ve had enough diagnostic imaging to know the faces of the staff so I wonder if they remember me too? I dunno, but whatever, veins are fucking gross, IVs are seriously stressful especially when you add in an anxiety disorder and I’m getting sick of this shit, especially when I know there’s so much more of it coming. This is like they’re easing me into hospital life again. :o/

I also worry how they’re going to fit all of my guts back inside my body when they’re so used to being where they are. Dr. Hanrahan squishes my guts and she damn near knocks me over doing it. She makes everything fit back inside, so if she can do that while I’m standing in her office, fully clothed, I don’t see why she can’t also do it when I’m naked and laying on a bed and probably do a better job because I’m laying down.

Then the next day there’s a staff meeting, guaranteed to crush my self-worth and make me feel completely stupid.

I don’t know a single thing about this potential new case worker other than his name is Rick and we have to go meet with him at the mental health centre. I’m not totally sure what I’m going to be doing with Rick, if it’ll just be immersion therapy or if CBT is going to be part of it too. No idea. But meeting him should be interesting, I suppose. When he called last week, I couldn’t save or delete the message because I was sort of petrified with fear. Eventually Blake had to call him and set up the appointment because I just couldn’t use the phone. So that’s what happened and that’s what is happenING.

Then of course there’s the anniversary party that has me so so worried. What if it’s a flop? There’s 2 parts, the dinner and the party and I’m just so worried that one or both are going to have complications. Mostly I’m worried about the party because a lot of people who initially said they were coming aren’t (for legit reasons, no bad feelings) so it’s going to be a very intimate affair, I think. We’ll all probably hang out in my office I guess. Sucks that I can’t drink.

And of course there’s the follow ups with the doctors in July that have me really nervous.

So there ya have it. I’m a bundle of nerves and this is all why. :o/

May 4, 2012

All Dressed Up For Geocachers!

Okay not really dressed up, but overalls (as opposed to yoga pants) and a face full of makeup! Now I just have to wait for Blake to get here…he said he’d be home around 4:30pm and dinner is at 5:30pm and it takes half an hour to get there so I’m ready with plenty of time. GO ME!

There was a time where Blake would have had to have found me clothes to wear, all the way down to underwear, and it would take me half an hour to do my makeup, if I even bothered at all and while I still need help finding socks, I think I’ve come a long way since those days. Back then, Blake would even have to help me put my shoes on.

Anyway, here’s me right now. I got a little naked over at Camwhores but I’m trying to keep my site PG-13 these days so you’ll have to go over there to see the evidence!