October 9, 2012

Pathetic.

I’m sitting here crying, literally, because I’m also literally sitting here, watching the clock, waiting for 4pm when the kids come home so I have someone to talk to. Because I’m lonely. I mean, I have friends & all, but I don’t have any friends here. And now that Ronny works nights and Alex doesn’t drive, we never see them anymore. The rest of our friends live in Toronto.

And moving is not the solution. If we moved I would be further away from Alex and not much closer to our Toronto friends if you consider the fact that I get off work at 8am and have absolutely nothing in my life to do until I got to bed at 9:30pm.

TV holds zero interest for me. We’ve been watching Dowton Abbey and that’s okay, I guess, but it’s a “Blake & Sunny show” because I don’t want to watch it alone. I have a REALLY hard time watching TV because it seems like such a waste of time unless it’s something that I’m super into and I feel like it enriches my life like Community or Doctor Who or even Walking Dead (which starts in 6 days btw – no idea if Ronny & Alex can come watch it with us as is our tradition of 2 seasons). Actually come to think of it,, those are the only 3 shows that even matter. SNL is a staple since I get off work at 11pm on Saturdays but if someone lame is hosting (and I stopped caring about the musical guests years ago when all these fucking stupid hipster bands with beards started popping up and sounding the same and the host always announces them like they’re some revered classical pianist worthy of worship – give me a fucking break)…anyway if someone lame is hosting, I’ll just go to bed. We record it but it’s Saturday Night Live. It seems to be missing the entire point if you watch it Sunday morning and all the best skits will be on YouTube the next day and if they’re any good they’ll make it to Facebook and I’ll see it then. We only record it in case we have to start watching late for some reason, like if we have Doctor Who to watch since Blake and Madison wait for me to get off work so we can all watch that together.

Anyway, my DVR right now is literally *all* Oprah’s Next Chapter (honestly, I’m just so sick of Oprah, especially because she asks the dumbest questions; she used to be such a good interviewer, now she’s just boring), the last two episodes of Doctor Who that I want to rewatch but again, I don’t like watching them alone, and about 30 episodes of Toddler’s & Tiaras which I usually save to watch with Madison but since I stopped painting pretty girls, because I was sick and tired of painting pretty girls, I stopped having the desire to watch pretty little girls on TV. Plus, honestly, I think the show’s gone downhill. It’s just way too over the top and I think the psycho moms are acting extra psychotic just to get their kids on the show or to win pageants or to be the next Honey Boo Boo (which was a terrible show; Madison & I watched the first episode and were like, “wtf is this shit?” and then I deleted them all from the DVR and made it stop recording them).

So TV’s out. So are movies for the most part because I can’t JUST watch a movie. It’s so very fucking difficult for me to just watch a movie at home. I can watch a movie at the theatre, that’s a life enriching experience. Plus you get popcorn. But movies at home are hard, especially if I’ve seen them before because I don’t paint pretty girls anymore and I don’t have anything to DO while watching. Except to sit there and watch which seems like a pure and utter waste of valuable time.

Not that sitting here crying and being codependent on your kids is productive either but I can’t help that. I’ve been saying it a lot because people seem to have forgotten but I am a sick person. I am not well. My body may be healed/healing (I say “healing” because I still haven’t had a period in 15 months so until that happens everything is NOT kosher inside me) but my mind is getting sicker by the day the greyer the sky gets and the more leaves fall from the trees in front of the house. Fall is the absolute worst season. Everything is dying. Not to be dramatic or emo or whatnot but I just feel it. I know for a fact that it’s the change in the light and I should really ask my shrink if I can borrow an S.A.D. light from the mental health centre, which I will probably do when I see her on the 26th, but that’s a therapy that happens over time and I’m pretty fucking dead inside these days. I stopped using the flower essence sprays because I’ve had a headache for the past 2 weeks that won’t go away and the only 2 things that are different is that I’ve been weaning off the hydromorph (yesterday was my last one) and I’ve been using the sprays. I’ve been 3 days off the sprays and 1 day off the hydromorph and my head is still killing me. I take 3 extra strength Ibuprofen a day and about 12 Tylenol 1s but nothing helps. Crying certainly doesn’t help, when I was little and I would cry, my mom would ask if the crying was really helping and the answer was always “no”, but I have little control over that. If I could change one thing about myself instantly, it would be to not cry at every. little. fucking. thing. I think cognitive behavioural therapy is supposed to help with that but I’m not there yet.

Want to know something super sad? So I bought this camera backpack and it cost me $125. It was becoming stupid to carry around both the camera bag and my purse so I wanted the backpack so I could combine the two, especially since Charlie had bought me two new lenses and it had compartments for them (plus a compartment up top for all my “purse junk”). Yesterday Blake helped me put all the camera stuff in it in its various compartments and then I emptied my purse of all its junk and organized it all and it’s been sitting on my desk ever since, right side up because it has a flat bottom, with my geocaching patch and my 1 inch buttons and Hello Kitty zipper pull and my customized Flip camera in the mesh side pouch, along with my flower essence serums and it’s all packed up and ready to go but…go where? I *can’t* go anywhere!

I wanted to go somewhere all day. I wanted to go on the trail by my house and take pictures with my new lens but there are scary construction workers in front of my house for one and for two there’s probably rapists on the trail at noon on a Tuesday or maybe just a person walking there dog which – not to minimize rape because I’ve been raped, repeatedly and I know how that feels – is pretty on par in my hierarchy of terrible things at the moment BECAUSE if I ran into either one type of person and they interacted with me in the way that those kinds of people would interact, it would freak me right the fuck out and it would probably be months until I left my house alone again. Can you understand that? In my imagination someone forcibly holding me down and putting their dick in my vagina (or worse) would be just as terrible as if someone walking their dog stopped to chat with me on the trail. I probably wouldn’t react the same way at the time (can you imagine?) but both instances would equally make me not want to go there ever again. It’s not right, it’s not rational and again, I can’t help it because I AM SICK. That’s why I want to bring the dogs with me bu they won’t listen to me off leash (they’ll listen to Blake) unless I have Milkbones maybe but we don’t have any and I can’t walk both of them at the same time and I can’t walk Hoover at all because he pulls. (I realize it’s my job to train them how I want them to be but I’m only one person in this house of 4,  I’m definitely the weakest link and I just don’t know how. Plus I’m kind of lazy and training a dog is also training yourself and that’s work. That would mean going on the trail every single day and risking them taking off, which would be my worst nightmare. And I can’t take pictures of things and hold a leash at the same time and i just can’t go on the trail to be on the trail, I have to be doing something, which is why I bought the camera in the first place.)

And I also literally think that the trail – even in a town of just 2000 people in the middle of the day – is probably full of rapists and thugs. At the VERY least, the construction workers would be staring at me, if only because they now know everyone on our street but they don’t know me and maybe one of them would talk to me and I wouldn’t know what to say back so they would think I’m an asshole and I would think about them thinking I was an asshole the whole way down the trail and I would start to cry and then I’d be scared to go home because I wouldn’t be able to STOP crying and I wouldn’t want the construction workers staring at some weird lady crying up and down the street.

But back to the backpack for a second. It’s big. It’s really big. And I’m really not big and I’m scared and self conscious that I’ll look weird or people will think I’m weird for carrying around this gigantic backpack around with me all the time. But I can’t have it both ways. I can’t move all my purse junk back to my purse all the time if I just want to carry my purse and the smaller camera bag with just the camera and whatever lens happens to be on it. Why do I have to carry around all 3 lenses all the time? So I just can’t win with this backpack but we already took the tags off it so I can’t take it back. And I did that on purpose actually, because it IS what I need, even if I don’t necessarily want what’s good for me.

So I have this backpack all packed up and I had from 8am-present to go on the trail and take pictures, which is what I wanted to do all day, but instead I pretty much literally sat and stared at the wall. Refreshed Facebook about a million times. Tried to find that supersonic bungee jumping thing on TV (not successful) but settled on an episode of The Office I hadn’t seen before and that half hour was about all I could stand for TV. I could barely sit through it it felt like such a waste of life, being a rerun. And now it’s 4pm, I can hear Wes in the driveway talking to a friend and making plans to hang out with the neighbour kid and Madison’s going to be home any minute. I’m mad at Madison so I don’t want to hang out with her until after she’s read the post I made this morning about her selfishness, which she’ll do as soon as she gets home because as selfish as she can sometimes be, she does read my site pretty religiously, if only to see what I’m saying about her but also because she’s an extra pair of eyes in my constant sanity checks. (I have to have Blake read everything I post because I just don’t trust myself to be healthy minded when I write things ever since I was literally psychotic on the internet and thought I was communicating with god.) Anyway, she’ll read the post and will do one of two things: she’ll either be mad at me back and not talk to me (which is fine) or she’ll feel bad and come talk to me (which is also fine) but either way I’m going to lose the light to be able to take pictures on the trail at a time when I could, theoretically, have one or both of the kids come with me.

And Blake’s not even going to get out of work, in the city, until 6pm so we’re fending for ourselves for dinner tonight. Then he’s going to Lush to get Wes Lemony Flutter for his cracked feet and me Veganese because I’m out. Then he’s stopping at a pharmacy to get Tylenol 1s because I’m down to my emergency purse supply of them and that’s bad news when you’ve had a constant headache for 2 weeks and you’re coming off major narcotics. Then, possibly, he may stop at a grocery store to buy Milkbones but I told him that’s not super important when IT’S SUPPOSED TO RAIN THE WHOLE REST OF THE WEEK so if I wanted to take pictures in the trail, today’s the only day for a very long time.

And yeah, I’m supposed to be doing immersion therapy and yeah, forcing myself to go on the trail today would have been immersion therapy but it’s too big of a step and there are no small steps in between my house and there, especially not with construction workers in front of my house all the way to the park ( where the trail starts) all the fucking time. My caseworker scares the ever-loving fuck out of me and I have a card in my purse with his name and phone number on it but I can’t bring myself to call because I just don’t like him and I don’t think there’s anyone else. And truthfully, he’s probably the best option BECAUSE he scares the shit out of me and I don’t think I can bowl him over with irrational, possibly bullshit excuses as I’m prone to do and I did to my other caseworker until she finally gave up on me. Like I said, I see my shrink on the 26th and I don’t know what to ask her about this. Like if I should ask for a new worker and run the risk of them being a push-over or if I should stick with the one I have even though he scares me. And why does he scare me? Because he asks you a question and then you answer and then he keeps on staring at you for like, 15 seconds more like he’s expecting you to say something else, but not really because he’s just boring a fucking hole through your forehead for no reason. Maybe he’s thinking, I dunno, but staring is one of my major “things” so this man is barely tolerable. (And yes, I’ve only met him once. His only two redeeming qualities are that he’ll probably legitimately get mad at me if I don’t do what he says to do and also that he’s willing to work with me via e-mail in some capacity. So I should probably stick with him. But then the problem is actually physically calling him, which I can’t do because I don’t know what to say so I’ll probably ask Blake to do it but he won’t know what to say either. Maybe my shrink can do it. But maybe not because that would be enabling. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.)

And now Madison’s home and she’s being snobby to me so I’m assuming she either read my post at school or someone told her about it (it happens; there’s this annoying kid named Daniel who apparently announces to the class every morning what I blogged about the day before – hi Daniel, you’re an asshole!) or maybe she’s just being snobby because that’s how she is. If she didn’t read my post today at school then she’s surely reading it now.

My cousin about an hour ago asked me on Twitter, “whatever happened to that colouring book you were making?” and that’s a very good question. I told her I lost interest, which is true, but I lost interest because of rejection. I knew I would work super hard on it and if I ever actually completed it (which, let’s face it, would be a first) no one would actually buy it. In my experience, people say they’ll buy things but then they never do. “Oh if you paint X, I’d for sure buy it!”” so I paint “X” and it rots in my Etsy shop for a year. A $20 colouring book that I’d sell maybe 20 copies of, tops, just isn’t worth my time for all the work I’d put into it. The paper dolls idea was another one that I liked but it would be the same. Plus I’m just honestly sick to death of pretty girls. I’m sick of making them, I’m sick of seeing them. Pretty soon I’m going to take everything off my walls and down from my Etsy shop and make a bonfire in the backyard I’m so sick of them.

Although that thought makes me cry so maybe that’s not true. :o(

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve said that a lot in my life and yeah, I’ve got first world problems coming out my ass here but I live in the first world so these are my problems dammit. I thought that after I got better life would be different, that everything would start over and I would have a brand new life because “life’s too short to…” sit there and cry, not leave the house, not try new things. But it’s just turning out to be more of the same from before I got sick, the only thing that’s changed is that I work less hours (partially because I have to work less hours to save my sanity, partially because that’s all the hours available; I don’t think working more is the answer to my problems, I’m pretty sure that would just make things worse unless I had to work more hours to keep my job) so I have more time on my hands to do nothing.

And yeah, I worked in Lightroom for most of the morning. I re-edited all of Madison’s grad pics for printing and my friend Sondra challenged me to correct a photo of her that she just took this morning. Challenge accepted. Here’s her before pic:

Here’s her after:

I think I made her look artificially young, to be perfectly honest, but I also think I’m getting better at retouching.
It also takes a good friend to volunteer to let you Photoshop them silly.

So I guess I was semi-productive today and I listened to really loud music all morning and was generally having a good time. I even Blipped a time or two. But then I ran out of pictures to play with and the light inside our house sucks so taking pictures in here is pretty much impossible and I’ve already taken pictures of the dogs in the backyard and the kitchen and the kids weren’t home, and neither was Blake and I couldn’t leave the house and I don’t know how to use the remote for the camera plus I look like a bag of shit today so self-portraits were out of the question…I literally did nothing but cry and reload Facebook from about 1pm-present. I read half a chapter of the newest Sookie Stackhouse but even that felt like a waste of time, especially because Charlaine Harris is actually becoming a WORSE writer as the series goes on and she starts getting more colloquial  but in a totally overdone Louisiana hick way so all the characters sound stupid and then she “borrows” characters from the show or pieces of them and renames them and they’re all really obvious and it should be the other way around, with the show borrowing from HER, so if I can’t get through this book, which has been a real chore and I’m only on chapter 3, then I won’t be buying any more of them. I thought about having a bath but even that seemed like a waste of time. I knew that if I ran the bath water, I’d just sit in there and cry so I might as well cry and be clothed at the same time. Crying in the bath tub is just super pathetic and I couldn’t bring myself to risk it. I usually read in the bath and I have a million things to read but no interest in anything. I just have a serious case of ennui, I think. So very little holds my interest. The only thing I care about right now is photography and it’s the absolute worst season for it. Have I mentioned how much I loathe fall? The only good thing about it is Thanksgiving but I gave that up this year to go to Militiagan because I thought a change of scenery and people would be good for me. Not that I don’t love all the people we saw, but the only really good part of the trip for me was seeing Blake’s Aunt Pat, who I absolutely adore. And I was so fucking mad at myself because I forgot the camera bag when we went to visit her. Blake’s mom even called out to us before we left while we were getting in the car that we’d left behind a backpack but because she called it a backpack I thought she meant my actual backpack which just contained my hoodie and the connection that she meant the camera bag which I DID mean to bring didn’t connect. I really would have liked to have gotten some pictures of Wes and Pat so I could have printed one and sent it to her for Xmas. That was my only goal for the trip besides successfully working somewhere other than home and I totally and utterly failed. This is another reason why the camera backpack is a good idea for me. It has Ativan in it which I won’t leave the house without.

Anyway, I think that’s all the pathetic juice I’ve got in me. Madison wants to take pictures on the trail (actually taking pics was her idea, the trail was mine) and she’s choosing not to read the post I made about her this morning after I told her what it was about (or maybe she’ll read it later because I really want her to, I really need her to see, in writing, how selfish she’s been lately so she’ll understand) and she said she’d make her and Wes frozen fries and corn for dinner and me spaghetti so we’re good. And now I’m going to go take a crap, gather the kids (Wes is next door) and hit the trail before the light dies completely.

Sorry for making you read this.

PS. i still haven’t even started my sketchbook for The Sketchbook Project. I don’t even know where it is. :o/ Another thing I could do but I have zero interest in. It’s not just ennui, I’m pretty sure it’s also depression.

PPS. Madison has decided that we’ve lost the light and she’d rather talk about the post I made about her this morning. Fair enough, but this is just going to turn into the exact same scenario tomorrow when I don’t even have pictures to edit to keep myself occupied.

March 18, 2012

Dead Bunny.

I woke up to a very sad scene. :o( My dogs had killed a bunny in the backyard. I cried a little bit and then I went outside to take care of it. And of course take pictures. Here it is:

Poor thing. :o(

I’m told by the neighbours that it didn’t suffer but still, my dogs are dickheads. I can’t believe they even caught it though, my dogs are fat, lazy bastards and bunnies are pretty speedy little things. Maybe it was sick. (They say a cat can’t catch a healthy bird, so maybe the same goes for dogs and bunnies?) Oh well. Nothing can be done about it now. I grossed Madison out by picking it up with my bare hands and putting it in the garbage bag. I don’t see the difference between picking up a fresh carcass and picking up a live bunny, personally.

This morning Blake made me “the tomato thing” that I love so much because I’m trying to eat big breakfasts/lunches and have my meals and snacks get smaller as the day goes on because that’s what my doctor recommended. One of my Twitter friends asked about “the tomato thing” so here’s the recipe (it’s a Jamie Oliver recipe from “Jamie’s Food Revolution“, which I highly recommend because it’s awesome & we use it a lot):

Cherry Tomato Sauce With Fresh Pasta

1.5 pints of grape or cherry tomatoes
4 cloves of garlic
a small bunch of fresh basil (we buy the frozen cubes and use 2 of them)
1 lb of fresh lasagne
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
olive oil
2 pats of butter
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
4 ounces of Parmesan cheese

Cut the tomatoes into halves or quarters. Peel and slice the garlic. Pick the basil leaves off the stalks and put them to the side. Finely chop the stalks. Cut the lasagne sheets into 3 or 4 long strips and put to one side. Grate the Parmesan.

 Bring a large pan of salted water to a boil. Put a large frying pan over medium heat and add a couple of lugs of olive oil and the garlic. Add the butter and let it melt. When the garlic starts to brown, add the tomatoes. Give everything a good stir, then add the basil stalks and half the leaves. Add the vinegar and season with salt and pepper. Drop your fresh pasta strips into the pan of boiling water and cook for 3 minutes. Drain in a colander over a large bowl, reserving some of the cooking water. Add the pasta to the frying pan with a splash of the cooking water and half the Parmesan. Give it a good stir. Taste and add a little more salt and pepper if you think it needs it.

Sprinkle the rest of the Parmesan and the basil leaves, tearing any large ones up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This stuff is sex on a plate, I could – and have – eat it every day if it wasn’t so carb-o-licious. Definitely one of my favourite  meals.

All I’ve been doing this week is working on my 30 x 36 inch painting. I don’t really want to talk about it though. Weird right? Normally I can’t keep a secret to save my life and this isn’t really a secret exactly, it’s just that I don’t want to talk about it quite yet. It’s really no big deal, honestly, it’s just jumping back into where I was in 2006 with both feet.

If you recall, it was in 2006 that I had my psychotic break and created “Camp Tampon“. But what I was doing right before that was, I think, a lot more interesting than cute girls on sparkly backgrounds. And I’ve kinda decided not to do cute girls on sparkly backgrounds anymore. I figure if you want those, the ones I did before are available on Etsy and Zazzle and those are good enough. Maybe every now and then I’ll add a new design for Zazzle but I’m not going to do girls exclusively from now on. They just don’t interest me as much as they used to.

I’m still going to do the colouring book, I’m just going to take my sweet ass time with it and just work on it in my spare time rather than making it a full-time job.

My friends The Perlorian Brothers linked an article about Damien Hirst on Twitter last weekend and I started reading about him. I’d heard his name before but didn’t really know who he was and the more I read, the more obsessed I became and the more links I clicked. I just don’t understand why the art world singled him out and said “yes, we are going to make you, Damien, the richest artist in the history of the world” when there are so many more deserving artists out there. (I don’t know of any because I don’t really follow the whole art world but I’m sure there are better out there because Hirst didn’t really impress me all that much.) I guess suspending a shark in a tank of formaldehyde is sort of interesting but wouldn’t it smell? Why would you want that in your house?

I got clicking around on Hirst’s Wiki page and stumbled upon the piece “An Oak Tree“, which Blake thinks is stupid but I think it’s kinda genius.

I just don’t understand how artists can make a living from their art. The concept completely baffles me. Like, how do you make enough money to pay rent and eat and stuff? Let alone make enough to go on holidays or travel or make appearances at plavces and stuff like that. I know how Hirst did it but I mean like, more normal artists. It takes me like, 2 weeks to make one painting! I could never make a living from them!

I have so many paintings planned right now, it’s ridiculous. They’re just popping out of my brain and I can’t even get them on paper fast enough. For the next one I actually need a 24 x 30 inch or maybe a 24 x 36 inch wood panel, which is going to run me about $30 + shipping which I totally don’t even have. I already spent my entire paycheque last week  on the piece I’m working on now. This art shit is expensive! I mean, with my girls it’s easier because I already have a stockpile of stuff for them but these are different because they’re large pieces so I need large substrates and I just don’t have those “in stock” because I’ve never needed them before. Plus, I don’t have anywhere to store them to keep them “in stock” because my house is so friggin’ tiny.

Oh well, as per usual I just have to figure it out.

Right now I’m just focused on the work. Everything else is optional or a bonus or whatever. I just want to plow through all these ideas in my brain and create art that *I* want to see. To hell with everyone else. If you don’t like it, don’t look at it, y’know?

When I went nuts, I was terrified of using my imagination because psychosis was so much like being stuck in my own imagination, which is a scary place to be, believe me. SO that was in 2006 and it wouldn’t be until 2008 when I would use my imagination again and that was when I took Suzi Blu’s class and learned how to make my girls. But my girls were safe and not at all what I would normally do if I weren’t so scared of my own mind.

So when I “went there” last week and started working on this 30 x 36 inch piece, I got really scared that I was manic and about to lose my mind again. I was crying daily, afraid that if I went nuts that I’d lose my job again, but still working on the piece while Blake assured me that I was okay and that I needed to trust the medication.

I think I kissed mania right on the lips though. I’m almost sure of it. I’m okay now and it’s passed, but I wasn’t sleeping, which is a bad sign and I was just having strange thoughts that I can’t really explain. Like, one day I thought it would be a hilarious idea to sit the kids down and tell them we were getting a divorce but then tell them later that I was kidding. I didn’t DO it. I just thought, for a brief minute, that it would be extremely funny to do this. That’s not a good sign.

But like I said, it passed and now I’m 99% sure I’m okay.

Yesterday Blake and I made a decision on the gardens. We’re not going to do the front yard this year (for those new to the fold, my front “lawn” was replaced with a wildflower garden in 2006) and in fact, we’re going to plant grass seed instead. The reason for this is because if I have surgery in the spring, I won’t be able to take care of it and Blake & the kids don’t want to take care of it for me. Plus we don’t plan on living here much longer and the house will be easier to sell with a lawn. BUT we are going to do veggies in the back yard because they’re easier to take care of, they have the added benefit of being food and it’s a much smaller garden.

We don’t have any money right now but I hope to buy seeds sometime very soon so I can start them inside and have healthy plants to plant in the spring.

Last year Ruggedo got me these awesome upside-down hanging things that you plant cucumbers or tomatoes in and they were pretty neat. They didn’t produce very much but we’re going to try them again this year with tomatoes instead of cucumbers to see what happens. I think tomatoes will do better, personally.

And I think that’s all I’ve got in me today. I’m kinda feeling “blah”. I decided not to go to the Game of Thrones exhibition   today in order to stay home and paint on my day off. I just honestly do not even care. I like the show, but I’m not a fanatic and props and stuff don’t really excite me. I know it was my idea to go but really, I was just looking for something cheap/free for Blake and I to do together and he doesn’t care if I go or not so I’m just not going to go.

So that’s that.

Anyway, happy Sunday! I hope you aren’t too hung over this morning! *bashes cymbals together*

PS. Blake and I finalized our guestlist for our anniversary party last night and we’re going to order the invitations soon soon soon. I’m so excited!

PPS. “Indigo Ocean” is now on my site and ready for sale!


~*PLEASE DONATE SO I CAN GO TO ART CAMP!*~

March 2, 2012

I Survived.

So I survived yesterday, barely, which was my birthday. The truth of the matter is, I’m just not good at birthdays. Not mine, not other people’s. The only good birthdays I can ever remember is my 4th birthday when we had a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party and again when I was like, 20 maybe, and Nicole brought me a bunch of flowers and an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen because I hadn’t had a birthday cake SINCE my 4th birthday – that I could remember anyway.  Nicole believes you should have a birthday cake every year.

Last night we went to Swiss Chalet for dinner where we had ribs (they were alright, not great but alright – Wes got pizza and mashed potatoes) and then we went to Cold Stone Creamery where I got strawberry ice cream mixed with real strawberries and chopped up Skor bars.

Cold Stone Creamery is a neat place. There are only a few locations so far because they just started up but what it is, is this place where you pick your ice cream flavour and as many “mix ins” as you want and then they mix it by hand on a frozen slab with these sharp metal spoons.

Blake got one called “sweet cream” with cookie dough and sprinkles in it, Madison got straight up cookie dough, and Wes got mint ice cream with sprinkles and gummi bears.

I got mine to go because I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAATE eating in the car *and* I hate eating in Tim Hortons (where Cold Stone Creamery is located inside of) but we only live 10 minutes away so it was fine. I just came in and put mine in the freezer for later. I actually had it for breakfast this morning.

For my birthday, Wes got me a bear Beanie Baby, which I collect and Madison got me Skittles (my favourite) and a bouquet of spring flowers. Blake got me HUGE fairy wings for Squam but realistically they’re too big so I still have to find a decent pair before September. The ones Blake got are really nice though, I’ll use them for something, just not for Squam.

In the mail this week, there was a card from my mom with a gift certificate for Michael’s and yesterday I got a card from Phaedie that was chock full of TOTALLY AWESOME DINOSAUR STICKERS!!!!!!!! (And super wicked Starbucks cards that we’re probably going to put to good use later today.) And then there was an Amazon package from Charlie that had stuff in it for me and Blake and the kids! We now own Midnight in Paris, which Blake and I loved and Wes now owns Puss & Boots! That was a surprise!

I spent the day pretty mopey, but looking back on it, it wasn’t all that bad. I don’t know why I’m so ungood at birthdays, I wish I wasn’t, but I am. :o/ Maybe that’ll be next year’s New Year’s resolution: to be better at birthdays.

And that was more or less my entire birthday…except for one thing: SQUAM FUNDS!!! I got a bunch of Squam donations yesterday which means we are now 63% OF THE WAY THERE!!!  How exciting!!!!

I’ve been thinking about Squam a lot the past few days because a friend got me two books: Painted Pages, which is by the two teachers I’m going to have at Squam, and Creative Pilgrimage by Jenny Doh, formerly of Somerset Studio, which features both Squam AND one of the teachers I’m going to have while I’m there.

So I’ve been reading both books and thinking about Squam these last several days and how great it’s going to be.

First of all, I’m going to get to spend a lot of time with my super awesome mom, which I never get to do and second of all, I’m going to get to finally meet my friend Belinda in person, who has been so supportive of Squam I absolutely cannot thank her enough. She’s rallied the troops and donated a lot of her own personal money to make this happen for me and more than a few times it’s brought a tear to my eyes. She is such a good friend and I only wish I could be half the friend to her as she is to me.

And of course the creativity! The creative energy is already buzzing through my body like you would not even believe! I’m nervous as all hell to create in a classroom environment because I’ve never done it before, like, sharing supplies and stuff is a totally foreign concept to me, but at the same time, I’m really looking forward to trying new things. The first class I’m taking is a photography class so that’s not going to be as hands on to me as painting the next day will be but both classes will be full of new things! I have absolutely no idea how to use Blake’s Rebel and I’ll bet you $50 that I’ll end up using my point-and-shoot in the end anyway because I think it’s better than the old Rebel, which is long out-dated. (I wish I could afford to get a new camera for Squam, but it’s just not in the cards.)

Painting the next day is going to be different for me because it’s a different type of mixed media than I’m used to. The teacher uses a lot of techniques I’ve never thought to use before and I’m not sure I would normally use so we’ll see how that goes.

I dunno, the more  I think about it, the more nervous and excited I get. I’ve decided to take the next few days off just to soak up the Squam vibe from the books I have here and the Squam blog. Oh and by the way, I’ve given up on The Artist’s Way. Again. After I got to the artist dates part and those went so well, I just kinda gave up on the rest. Right now I have way too much on my plate for any more inspiration!

The day before yesterday I did my toenails. It was time. I hadn’t done them since just after I got out of the hospital and they were about 1/3 of the way grown out so it was time, like I said. You’re probably thinking “I don’t care, why is she telling me this?” and the reason is because I did them all fancy-like, using my Konad stamps.

This is a plate with the designs on it. I chose the diamond pattern:

So what you do is you put nail polish on the pattern you want to put on your toes, then you scrape over it with this thing so the excess is scraped off and only the pattern remains:

Then you quickly press the fat part of the stamper onto the pattern so the nail polish transfers onto it:

Then again, very quickly, you press the stamper onto your nail and press hard, making sure to get the stamp over the whole nail:

Then you take a Q-Tip with some nail polish remover on it and you very carefully scrub off the excess pattern. Then you let it dry completely (I waited about 5 minutes after doing all of my toes except my baby ones) and very softly and carefully you apply a clear topcoat. If you’re not careful in doing the topcoat, your pattern will streak. Voila!

This is only the 2nd time I’d used the stamps and I think I did okay. (The first time was on Madison.) My right foot turned out better than my left foot because my left foot was the practice foot. It’s definitely tricky though so to do it nicely, it’s going to take a lot of practicing so I think after school I’m going to offer to do Madison’s nails with them.  I’m sure she’ll be thrilled, she loves getting her nails done. Then maybe I can convince Blake to let me do his nails because sometimes he lets me.

And that’s literally all I’ve done the past couple of days. I need to get my act back in gear soon and start working on the colouring book again but I just haven’t been feeling it the last couple of days so I just took those days off and tried to make it as stress-free as I could. Not that the colouring book is stressful, taking time off is stressful to me. Not being productive is stressful to me.  Not accomplishing things and “wasting” days really bothers me.

Tonight Madison and I are having our eyes checked and theoretically we’re getting new glasses. My diabolical plan is to take in all 3 pairs if my current and past glasses and have them put new lenses in them and then maybe insurance will cover a 4th pair. That’d be cool. There’s a blue pair I have my eye on, which is the same as my pink pair. I’m getting deja vu so I kinda think I’ve already told you all this.

After that we’re going to go to Michael’s and maybe Curry’s and maybe South St. Burger and definitely Starbucks.

So that’s the plan.

Have a wonderful weekend! I hope it’s filled with sunshine and rainbows!

February 24, 2012

A to the Mfkging K

Wanna know a secret? Okay so it’s not so much of a secret. Blake and I will have been married 10 years on July 8th of this year. And we’re going to have a party. And I’m very very excited about it. :o) We just decided on the party a couple of days ago and after working out the few kinks there were to be had, all systems are go and this is going to happen.

It’s going to be held at Haugen’s, which is where Blake and I go every year for our anniversary to get ribs and fresh strawberry pie, which is world famous. We figure the party is kinda like the wedding reception we never had and we’ll be inviting about 20 people. After dinner, we’ll be going back to our house to drink our faces off with anyone who wants to drive that far. I think it’ll be a good time.

I also think I need to buy a dress for the event, but don’t tell Blake that because he complains that I have too many clothes as it is. :oP I want this one so so badly and there’s only one left in stock. :o( Maybe I can convince Blake to go halves on it with me or something. I’ve been coveting that dress since I saw it in the fall and I’m afraid that if I don’t get it soon, it won’t be available anymore. But that’s what I want to wear to our anniversary party. My birthday is in a week. If anyone wanted to get that dress for me, I’m a small. A SMALL, DAMMIT! Blake said I could order it! w00t! <3

This morning while I was cutting an apple, I sliced my thumb open on one of our new knives and it won’t stop bleeding. That was over an hour & a half ago! Enough already! Plus I’m eating pistachios right now (an apple & pistachios for breakfast, I’m awesome) and I keep getting salt in it. Nice.

Y’know, back to the anniversary party for a minute…part of the reason I didn’t want to have a wedding was because I felt like I didn’t have enough people in my life to invite and I felt like a loser. Plus my step-dad and my mom couldn’t be in the same room together and both of them would get mad at me for not choosing the other. But now things are good and I have 20 people in my life that I’m close enough to to have a party like this and who genuinely love me. That’s a pretty good feeling, y’know. Especially because really, there’s 40 people I’d like to invite but we can’t afford to. Maybe for our 20th we’ll do it bigger and invite everyone! That’d be cool. I guess we’ll see where we are in life in 10 years.

We’ve really come a long way though, from living above my grama’s furniture store and living on Blake’s wages as a pizza delivery guy. Now we own our own home, as of yesterday we’re completely out of debt, we both have good paying jobs, we’re both relatively happy, we have good kids (except when they’re not). I like our dogs. The cat’s alright. The only thing I think would be better is if I had my own car. I’d also like a nicer house but I know that’ll come in time so for now, we’ll just make do with what we have and be happy with it.

Speaking of my grama…so when I was in the hospital, so was my cousin Janet with what they now know was cancer, which ultimately killed her. Apparently the whole time Janet was sick – and again, this is at the same time I was in the hospital dying too – my grama would bring her mother, Eunice, casseroles and was on her ass like a dirty shirt. My grama never once offered to bring my mother anything. I don’t know why this is. Is it because it was me? Why would she not do that? It just reaffirms my decision to never have anything to do with that woman as long as I live. She just wasn’t there for my mother at all during the worst time of her life and that’s just not cool with me. She should have been on my mother like glue unless my mother said to back off. That’s just what you do for your kids. I don’t understand that woman.

And since we’re on the subject of family, my brother never replied to the e-mail I sent him months ago. He still has no idea I was ever sick.

Family! God!

And let’s go there, shall we? I really really don’t want to invite my father to our anniversary party. (Lisa can come though. I love Lisa.) I am and I will, but for the record, I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t want him there it’s that I know he’d rather be elsewhere. All I do know is that my sisters will not be invited and since they so rarely get babysitters, I’m betting they won’t even come since that’s the case. I just don’t want my sisters there, it’s not going to be that kind of party. Plus I just don’t want to pay for their dinners when chances are they’re going to ruin mine by being bratty. I’ve never been in a restaurant with them, but I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that I bet they don’t know how to behave in one. They can be very sweet, don’t get me wrong, but they can also be very terrible and I just don’t want to deal with that. My kids weren’t invited to Phil’s 50th birthday party last year so I’m sure they’ll understand and if they don’t, then they don’t come. Fine by me.

And that’s all the bitching about my family that I’ve got in me right now. Lucky for you guys, huh?

Onto other things…

Honestly nothing interesting has happened since yesterday so there’s not a whole lot to report. Today’s plan is to have a nap after Cheryl leaves, then work on the colouring book some more. The colouring book was put a bit on the back burner the last couple of days while I worked on my girl for The 4 x 6 Exchange, but I’m back on track as of today.

And that’s all the poop that’s fit to scoop! Have a lovely weekend! YAY!

February 22, 2012

Neer neer neer neer neer neer neer duh nuh nuh!

Oh, 5am. Hello there.

I have cramps like fucking crazy and it makes me wonder if I’m not going to have a period. I haven’t had one since July, so I guess we’ll see. Not having one, yet having all the pain of one all these months, is really disconcerting for me.

Last night I had that crazy pain in my pancreas again. I can’t even describe the pain really, not in a way that would do it justice. It’s like…a sharp pain right kinda under your solar plexus that radiates through to your back. It is incredibly painful, like an 8 out of 10. The only thing that helps it is a mixture of 800mg of Ibuprofen and two Percocets. Then I have to take the Percocets for the next few hours to keep the pain at a tolerable level.

My surgeon says that this could be a permanent thing. :o/

This morning Cheryl is coming to change my dressing. I hate Cheryl. I’m sure she’s a nice person but she’s so so sloppy. She takes shortcuts and it really pisses me off. Like, my wound is big enough that it requires one Mesorb (like a big maxi pad) and one piece of 4 x 4 inch gauze to cover the whole thing before putting the tape on. She will put the Mesorb on in the middle with the wound poking out on either side so the tape sticks to it and can cause breakdown. The other thing is that my belly hangs down and pulls DOWN so the crappy Hypafix tape they use for it comes off at the top and rolls down so we have to put a piece of drape across it horizontally so that doesn’t happen. Except for the longest time, Cheryl argued that I didn’t need that until when Blake was in MI and I showed her how necessary it was when Blake wasn’t there to do it after she left. Then she’s done it ever since. But any excuse to take a shortcut and get outta here as fast as possible and she’ll take it. It’s sloppy and sloppy people bug me. Also? She smells like cigarette smoke and Obsession perfume and it makes me nauseous.

Smokers? Don’t try and cover up your cigarette smell with perfume, it just smells 10x worse than the smoke would have.

Plus I don’t think nurses should wear perfume anyway.

The other thing about Cheryl that I hate is that despite the fact that we’ve told her we don’t like it and they’re supposed to work around our schedule, she comes at 8:45am-9am, which was bullshit until I got my job back and was up at that time anyway.

Stupid Cheryl. Grrrr. >:o(

So yesterday I drew my colouring book girl and here she is:

I’ve been leery of putting jewelry on the girls because I wouldn’t want to mess up someone adding jewels of their own later but this girl looked too plain without the necklace. I tried to make it small enough though, that someone could put a jewel on top of it and the ink shouldn’t show on the sides.

I signed up for Art House Co-Op’s 4×6 Project at the urging of my mother. You take a piece of 4×6 inch paper or cardstock or other flat media and you make a piece of art out of it for exchange with another person who has done the same. You have to send them a SASE when you send in your artwork and it has to have US stamps on it but I don’t know where to get US stamps. My mom’s boyfriend says you can get them at the post office but I kinda remember not being able to once when I had to before and I had to get them off the internet somehow. Like through a 3rd party website. I forget now but that’s going to be an issue.

Anyway, here’s the beginnings of mine. It’s just going to be a simple, plain girl on watercolour paper:

I haven’t painted her skin on yet.

Well, I’m starving so I think I’m going to go make some kwish considering bacon was on sale this week so we got some. YAY bacon!

Oh, speaking of bacon, Madison’s going vegan for the week just to see if she can. Today was only day 1 and she did fine so I think she’ll be able to stick with it for the week but I kinda doubt she’ll stick with it for the rest of her life. I guess we’ll see.

Anyway, kwish.


~*PLEASE DONATE SO I CAN GO TO ART CAMP!*~

February 21, 2012

I Bleed

I’m not happy with yesterday’s girl. I was totally happy with her and then I added whiskers which look like a mustache. It looked better in pencil, I swear! Now she looks like a high school boy! :o(

I suppose I can edit out her whiskers in Photoshop when I scan her properly but still…it bugs me. I don’t DO second drafts, ever, I get it right the FIRST TIME and it REALLY BUGS ME when I FUCK UP.

But whatever…another one down, only like, 30 more to go or so. I haven’t decided how long the colouring book is going to be, I just figured I’d draw until I got sick of doing it and then price accordingly. I’m hoping to have about 40 pages in it but that’s a lot of drawing so we’ll see.

Mine and Blake’s sketchbooks for The Sketchbook Project 2012 are now part of Art House Co-Op’s digital library! You can see mine here and Blake’s here and then if you wanted to see them in person, the books are all on tour right now, so look for your city HERE. Someone checked my book out yesterday! (I get a text message every time someone checks my book out.) I thought that was pretty cool. I would love it if it got all worn out from people touching it. :o)

My cover looks like crap but that’s okay. I didn’t have time to put a girl on there.

Now I have to work on my sketchbook for the Limited Edition thing because my mom signed up for it too and this is going to be the only time my mom and I get published together so it’ll be extra special. I think I have to have that finished by April 30th. Yikes! That’s pretty soon. :o/

Speaking of “soon”, my birthday’s in a week and a half. I feel like we should really celebrate this one, being the day that I was given life and all, but we probably won’t. For anyone who cares, my wishlist is here but what I really want is Curry’s gift certificates (if you need our address, just e-mail me) and money for Squam. Don’t get me wrong, I want DVDs and stuff too, but the other two things sorta take precedence. Oh and I’m going to be 33. I feel like that’s a lucky number because it has TWO 3s! And 3s are VERY lucky!

Does 33 make me old yet? I’m still closer to 20 than 40, so I don’t think so. (That’s “Wayne logic”.)

~*PAUSE FOR LUNCH*~

I just had the best lunch: a HUGE Caesar salad with real Parmesan and bacon bits and then strawberry frozen yogurt with frozen strawberries on top for dessert. I am in a food coma right now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so satiated in my whole life!

Blake just changed my dressing before lunch too, which is why I had to pause mid-post, and I took like, action shots of the order of operations for changing my dressing but I don’t feel like editing the pics and you guys probably don’t care anyway so I’m not going to bother with it.

I think I definitely need new glasses. I spend way too much time squinting at the TV and my computer screen. My diabolical plan is to get new lenses put in the glasses I already have and then getting another pair so I’ll have 3 total and theoretically insurance should cover all of this + the eye exam. At least that’s my theory anyway.

When I got glasses last time, they had a pair of blue ones identical to my clear pink ones and I really really want them because I love my pink ones. They fit amazingly well and I think they look good.

 I made a new banner for my site. I don’t like it all that much so I made a better version of it this morning that I’m going to use, but I have to wait until Blake’s not busy so he can put it up because I don’t even have an FTP program and while I’m pretty confident I could figure out how to put it in the code, I don’t wanna mess anything up by trying to do it myself.

I want to make buttons for my site for people to link me with but I don;t know what the standard sizes are. Does anyone know off the top of their heads? Also I was thinking about making my site bigger, like physically bigger/wider (well I guess not physically, they’re pixels…) but I wasn’t sure what the current design standard is. My site’s still optimized for 800×600 and I know things have gotten bigger now so that can’t still be the standard. My resolution is 1366×768 for my laptop and 1280×1024 for my big monitor and those are relatively small compared to a lot of monitors so 800×600 can’t still be the standard.

Okay Blake says he’s going to take a crap and we’re going to finally watch The Walking Dead from Sunday while I draw my next girl for the colouring book. I’m working on a glamour puss and she’s going to be fabulous with her fake eyelashes and slinky gown. :o)

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Tuesday and I’ll talk at you all tomorrow!

February 20, 2012

Decide

So, one of the things I like about myself is that if I decide something, like to do something, I really decide to do it. Like throwing up. I decided I wasn’t going to throw up anymore (due to pancreatitis, I don’t have an eating disorder or anything) and I’ve only thrown up TWICE since that decision was made. Fluke? Maybe. But it also seems to be the way of things with me.

A while back I had this girl who liked to troll me. I forget her name now (I suck at names, I did know it at the time but I can’t think of it now) but this was a few years ago. She would play this stupid game with my Google Analytics where she’d Google something like “Sunny Crittenden is a fucking asshole”, which naturally would bring up my site in the search results and she’d click on my site in the search results so that phrase would show up in my Analytics as a legitimate search term. Clever, I thought, but ultimately useless as far as doing any real damage. Kevin and I figured out who she was, where she lived etc etc etc and I just kinda smiled at it because she thought she was getting away with something when she really wasn’t because I knew exactly who she was.

The thing was though, that some of the search terms she used to do this were more off-putting than others. I have no problem if you say “Sunny Crittenden smokes tiny cocks”, that’s just funny. But she would post things like, “Sunny Crittenden is the most negative person on Earth” or “Sunny Crittenden needs to stop whining already” or “Sunny Crittenden should stop complaining so much”. She would also post things like “Sunny Crittenden is a nasty fatass”, which is typical troll fare of course, but it was the other ones that had me really examining my life.

I realized after a while that while I was loathe to admit it, this troll of mine was correct (some of the time) and that in my depression, I had grown jaded and negative. For a while there everything I posted was extremely dark and just…I dunno, I was ungrateful for the things I had.

So I changed. Getting on the right medications helped (I’m bipolar for those who don’t know) and she was still a fucking asshole troll for trolling someone while they’re clinically depressed, but I can’t deny that her words changed my life. I just woke up one day and decided to be more positive, to be grateful for the things I had rather than the things I had not, and to appreciate the smaller things in life.

Until her comments, I had thought I already did that, I mean, I had a gratitude page on my site! But no, in the day to day workings of Sunnyland, there was a cloud and I was under it and I unknowingly spread that energy out into the universe like a plague.

I can still be extremely negative, being a natural pessimist I have to work to keep things positive, but I like how I am now better than how I was before and I’m glad – in the grand scheme of things – that this girl (I just remembered her name, Jenni Yarmin), probably unknowingly, changed my life. So thanks, Jenni. And also, fuck you. :o)

These days, ever since getting sick, I mostly walk around in a bubble of pink light. Being winter, it hasn’t been easy to maintain this bubble and I won’t deny that I have good days and bad, but there have been far more good ones than bad ones and what they say is true: what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I have CHOSEN to embrace the life I have and to try and cram as much stuff in it as I can within reasonable limits and boundaries. For example, the $10 artist dates. The colouring book. Work. Going out for dinner with Blake and breakfast with the kids. Experiences rather than “things”.

I am damn lucky to be alive right now. I am even more lucky in that, they only expected me to be out of the hospital a little over a month ago, yet here I am. My leg muscles still aren’t all the way back to where they were and I still have a long recovery to look forward to with these surgeries, but if I take it slow and steady and just let things come when they come, everything will be fine.

I find it really strange that I DON”T need a shrink right now. I go to my shrink and I kinda stare at her and she stares at me and we don’t really have a whole lot of things to talk about because really, I’m fine. You would think that with such a near death experience I’d be a little more fucked up or something, but I’m not. I’m frustrated that this huge wound on my stomach isn’t healing faster. I’m frustrated that I look 8 months pregnant and I feel really fat because I have a 38 inch waist but most days I know it’s only temporary and on the days I don’t, I have Blake and Madison keeping me together.

I’ve also learned, mostly (I’m still learning), to let things go. I will NEVER EVER forgive my father for not being with us through this thing. Never. In fact, I’m pretty much fed up with him and want nothing to do with him ever again. So, that’s my hypocritical statement for the day right there. But I’ve also learned that for some of my friends who weren’t exactly there throughout this whole thing…I don’t think they knew how to be there for us (unlike my father who, in a perfect world, could not NOT be there) and like my mother said, there’s no manual for these things. You forgive and you forget because that’s what you need to do to move on. I mean, yeah it kinda sucks dicks that they bailed when they were needed the most, but they’re back now and honestly? Where am I going to find better friends anyway? Would anyone else have done it any differently? Because I don’t think so. (WOuld *I* have done it differently if the tables were turned? Again, probably not.) I’m not going to throw away 10-15 year relationships because they dropped the ball and froze.

The other thing is, friends aren’t psychic. You need to tell them what you need and you need to ask for help when you need it because if you don’t, you can’t get mad at them later for not being mindreaders. This is something Blake has taught me and that I’m still learning.

Also, things aren’t always what they appear either. Just because, for example, there are no comments on a post on my site? Doesn’t mean we aren’t having a comment party over at Live Journal or that I’m not having a deep conversation about it in messages on Facebook or e-mail. What’s on the surface isn’t always so. I say all the time, “my friend so & so did this” and people are like, “who? why have I never heard this name before?” Well that’s because A) you don’t know everything and B) I have a very loose definition of the word “friend”, which I think is a good thing. My friend Halcyon says, “the world would rather hug you than hurt you” which I agree with emphatically, and in that same vein, I believe that all people you know are friends until they prove otherwise (and then you defriend them on Facebook ;o)).

I dunno, I’m still learning. There are just a lot of thoughts in my head these days and I feel like I have to be careful these days with what I say because…I dunno, my mom’s drilled it into me that you have to be careful about the energies you put out there and since I reach so many people, I have to be extra diligent to make sure that I’m not being negative. At the same time, I think I have every right in the world to bitch all I want to but I think that’s kinda counter-productive to the healing process so I’m trying not to.

Anyway…onto other things.

Yesterday Madison and I watched BEACHES. Yes, you heard me. Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey and Mayim Bialik BEACHES. What scared me the most about that movie is that apparently I’ve seen it so many times that I can recite a good portion of it and I know the words to every single song in it. I think Madison thought it was cheesy, as she probably should, but that’s what got me on the topic of friends today.

That movie, in case you’ve never seen it, is about two best friends who go through life writing letters to each other through thick and thin and they’re friends for like, a million years and then some stuff happens and I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who’s never seen it. That (and Thelma & Louise) is probably THE quintessential “chick flick”. And it’s awesome, DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT’S NOT!

It makes me a little sad though. Not because of the thing that happens in the end, but because I don’t really have a best friend like that. Alex is my closest friend and for all intents and purposes she’s my best friend, but we don’t like, call each other on the phone and talk about life, hell, we don’t even e-mail! They come over once or twice a month and we talk on Twitter and sometimes Alex comments on my blog posts but other than that we have no other contact. Blake and Ronny BBM all the time, but Alex and I don’t.

Nicole used to be my best friend but when we moved up here she pretty much abandoned me. This totally awesome thing happened in our lives (buying our first house) and she totally wasn’t even a part of it in the slightest. She’s never been here. Now she’s managing a band and I’m not there for her. I don’t come to their shows. I should, I know I should, but I don’t. We’re still close, but we’re not best friends anymore.

And that’s pretty much it. I don;t talk to anyone I was friends with when I was a kid. Not even on Facebook. All my friends now are (more or less” “new” friends. And that’s tooootally fine, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also wish I had a friend that I’d had my whole life who I shared everything with and who I stayed connected to all the time. Do you have a friend like that? Tell me about them! I’d really like to hear!

And this isn’t to say that I take my friends for granted, I really don’t. I love Ronny and Alex and like I said, they are my best friends, and I hope, that in 20 years, Alex will be my Barbara Hershey friend who I’ve stayed connected with forever and ever because she’s the coolest girl I know and she’s never failed to be there for me if I’ve ever needed her. Especially through the really rough shit.

And that’s as deep as I’ll go at 7 o’clock in the morning. I woke up at 5am with a backache, just as I do every single day lately, and I couldn’t get back to sleep because my back just hurt way too much. The theory is that since I’m carrying all my guts in the front like a pregnant woman, I’m getting backaches like a pregnant woman. Not sure what to do about them except to get up in the middle of the night and work or whatever and then to go to sleep again later in the day. This is another way my work schedule is absolutely perfect for me in every way imaginable.

So like I said, yesterday Madison and I watched Beaches and while we did, I drew this girl for the colouring book:

The idea was that she’d be a bride in the 1920s, but I have no idea what a bride in the 1920s would actually wear and I was too lazy to Google it so this is what I came up with. The dress is “floor length” and she’s wearing satin slippers.

Later, Blake and I were watching Doctor Who (I think we’re at the end of season 2 or the beginning of season 3) and I drew this girl, who Madison has deemed her favourite:

I based her off of this dress at Free People but gave her more of a rodeo flare than ballerina. (She’s wearing cowboy boots.) Like I said, Madison’s in love with her and once everything’s scanned and edited for the colouring book, I’ll probably tear her out and give her to Madison to colour.

Well, Wes is going to be up any minute so I think I’m going to make my toaster strudels and watch some Oprah Behind the  Scenes while planning more girls to draw. It’s actually REALLY hard to draw new girls every time because you don’t have the luxury of colour variations to work with so each one has to be 100% different.

Anyway, happy Monday! It’s Family Day in Canada so if you’re off today, have a great holiday!

PS. This man named Joe Beasely commented on one of my Pinterest posts here and if you’re interested, it’s worth checking out. Pinterest really hoses photographers.


~*PLEASE DONATE SO I CAN GO TO ART CAMP!*~

February 18, 2012

Blue For You

Last night Blake and I went to Curry’s so I could get two more black Micron Pigma pens (08) for the colouring book because I only had one that was that size and I’m paranoid that it’ll run out in the middle of the day when he’s not around or something and that would piss me off greatly.  So we got some. I also got two more of these really neat Staedtler  (goddamn right I spelled that correctly on the first try!) pens that are like..triangular with a nice, fine brush-like tip that are really nice to write with.  They’re called Staedtler Triplus Fineliners and they’re only $1.45. I got a magenta one and a light aqua one. One for my pink journal, which I’m working in now and one for my blue journal, which is what I’ll be working in next.

After Curry’s, we decided to go out for dinner and we wanted steak so we decided to go to The Keg, which neither of us had ever been to before.

Well.

The Keg is a lot fancier than I ever remember it being. I mean, I’d never been there before, but it’s a chain, so it never even occurred to me that it might be fancy so there I am, in my overalls with my hair in a very messy ponytail (thank god I’d thrown on some makeup before leaving the house) and Blake was in jeans and a yellow, plaid button down shirt and we stuck out like sore thumbs. But whatever. I mean, I’m at a point in my life where I honestly do not give a fuck about what random strangers think of me. I almost DIED this summer. There are WAY more important things to worry about than some asshole who’s going to judge me for not putting on a skirt on to eat charred cow flesh en masse.

I ordered a “Keg sized” strawberry margarita, which was awesome but ultimately too much for me because I apparently now have the alcohol tolerance of a 5 year old. To start we ordered garlic bread and when it came, it was phenomenal. Like, they used garlic oil on it or something, it was super super garlicky and the cheese was almost fluffy. The bread was crusty but soft and chewy in the middle. It was fantastic. Then for our main meals, Blake got the prime rib, which I think looked disgusting (but then again, I hate prime rib) and I had a filet mignon and we both chose twice-baked potatoes as our potato. And we ordered a plate of asparagus for the table.

My steak was really really really good but I got the 10oz one instead of the 7oz one and that was way too much meat for me so I ended up giving about 1/3 to Blake. He liked his prime rib but liked my filet better. Oh and my filet was wrapped in bacon. He loved his baked potato but I didn’t like mine because it didn’t come with butter and I didn’t want to bug the waitress to get me some.

For dessert, we both had strawberry shortcake, which was fucking great and just the perfect amount of dessert after such a huge meal.

This dinner was the anniversary dinner we didn’t get to have because I was in a medically induced coma. It only made sense to celebrate it by putting ourselves in a food coma, y’know? Plus we were celebrating Blake’s bonus at his job, which, combined with our tax refund, will get us completely out of debt. On top of that, it’s rumoured that Blake will probably get a raise too, so yay! We’ll still be poor, just not as poor as we have been. And that’s a very good thing.

After The Keg, I was feeling kinda sick from so much food so we just decided to go home (we were going to stop at Shopper’s Drug Mart to get some stuff but decided not to) but when we got into Elmvale, we stopped off at Clover to rent the movie 50/50 because Blake hasn’t been able to find it online in a format compatible with my Blu-Ray/DVD thing. As he was at the back of the store, I was going through the movies they had for sale because I always do (they often have new releases for like, $2-5) and I asked Blake if I could borrow some money so I could get a few. He said “yes” so I picked a few but ultimately decided to only get one: Blue Valentine for $4.99.

I have tried to watch that movie on The Movie Network On Demand at least 3 times now but I always get distracted about 1/3 of the way through and I’ve never made it through despite KNOWING it’s a good movie. (Don’t you dare tell me how it ends.) Ryan Gosling is so handsome. Michelle Williams is a phenom. How could it not be amazing?

I got that and a breast cancer bracelet that says “I [heart] boobies.”

So this morning I’m laying on the couch, as I often do on the days I can sleep in because the bed hurts my back (long, irrelevant story), and the case for Blue Valentine is sitting on the coffee table so I start looking at it and thinking about the concept of a blue Valentine which lead me to thinking about blue roses.

Have I told you about my theory on blue roses? I don’t think I have. So I will.

When Madison was a baby and I lived in Uxbridge, I had a roommate named Amanda (who I’m quasi-friends with to this day, she’s awesome and I love her). Amanda was guy crazy. She always wanted guys to buy her blue roses and she had like, this collection of blue rose items like, chocolate blue roses, fake blue roses, cards with blue roses on them etc…and so I asked her what the deal was with blue roses and she told me that blue roses don’t exist (which may or may not be true, they may just not exist in small town floral shops), that they’re impossible to find as a result and that if a guy really loved her, he would do the impossible for her and find her a blue rose.

Now this was the biggest load of horseshit I had EVER heard in my whole entire life and me being me, I told her so, and then she goes ahead and gets a tattoo of a blue rose. Like, wtf.

Anyway, I have since learned that this blue rose thing? Wasn’t just an “Amanda thing”. Girls all over the place, from different walks of life, all want blue roses from their men and they want them for more or less the same reason.

My theory on the blue rose phenomenon is that these girls are…well, they’re probably never going to be happy with the guy who “finds” her that blue rose because like the blue rose, the perfect guy, the one in their heads, does not exist. It’s not until they abandon the idea of the blue rose that they’ll be happy with the human man in front of them.

And what kills me about the blue rose phenomenon is that every girl I know who ascribes to it thinks they’re totally unique in being obsessed with it when really, they’re more of a cliche.

Not surprisingly, the girls who are obsessed with the blue rose are often the same girls who get married because you’re “supposed to” and they are more obsessed with having a wedding than a marriage. (Luckily Amanda’s grown up now and has – I think – grown out of the blue rose phase of life.)

So yeah, that’s the blue rose thing and I wonder if the movie Blue Valentine has anything to do with that because the main character, Cindy, in the movie, seems like she’d probably be a blue rose kinda gal. Not having seen the whole movie, I can’t really make that call, I just wondered.

Speaking of loooooove, my wedding ring no longer fits and we haven’t had the money to resize it so I’ve been wearing the bracelet Blake gave me when we were dating instead. Behold!

He got it out of some kind of machine and on the back he put “Mu”, which means “nothing” in Japanese, if I recall correctly.  I just thought it was cool and claimed it for my own so he gave it to me. You can see it in my really early cam pics over at Camwhores.

Speaking of Camwhores, I totally missed my 10 year anniversary there while I was in the hospital! I started on portal 9 in July 2001, if memory serves but I’ll write up the story of it all some other time. Right now I think I’m going to eat Caesar salad, watch Blue Valentine and start drawing another girl for the colouring book. By the time the movie’s over, it’ll pretty much be time for me to start work so that’ll be my day.

Hope you guys have a lovely Saturday! <3


~*PLEASE DONATE SO I CAN GO TO ART CAMP!*~

February 17, 2012

A rose by any other name…

I finished another girl for the colouring book yesterday morning. I know I said I wasn’t going to post every single girl I do for it but I like them so much I can’t help myself.

So you may notice that there’s a watermark on that thar picture. I am normally pretty anti-watermarking, I think they’re ugly and usually unnecessary but all of this Pinterest talk lately has made me paranoid and it would kill me if these colouring book pictures ended up on there unattributed. Sooooo I’m going to watermark them from now on. Just these ones though, not paintings etc.

Speaking of paintings, I’ve been having so much fun drawing girls for the colouring book that I haven’t even worked on any. It’s just not where my headspace is these days. I know exactly what I want to do for the shadowbox and I have everything in my office here to do it, it’s just a matter of doing it…I’ll get there eventually, just not right now.

Life is going pretty well these days, like things are finally back on track. I got my job back and while it’s only part-time, that’s exactly what I can handle right now and maybe even forever because it lets me have a paycheque and the ability to pursue creative endeavors and still have time to spend with my family, so it’s pretty perfect.

I am SO excited about the colouring book. It’s almost all I can think about. Why I didn’t have this idea a million years ago is beyond me but it just fits. For the longest time I’ve been looking for a way to make my girls both affordable and to be able to be put in the hands of children and this accomplishes both goals. When I work on it, I’m happy. When I’m not working on it, I’m thinking about it. Dreaming about it. This is literally a dream come true. (Now if only I knew what to call it…)

Yeah, I still have a pretty huge scar and wound on my stomach and my belly’s measuring in at 38 inches these days, but it’s all just temporary and fixable and I know that everything’s going to be okay. I’m really starting to worry about recovery from the big surgery because now that my setup is in my office again and I roll my chair from one end of my desk to the other, my stomach muscles have started to hurt because I didn’t realize before how much I use my stomach muscles to roll my chair. That’s going to be a problem. Blake says that after my surgery, he’ll figure out a way for me to use dual screens from the bed so I can still work and I have all the faith in the world in him, so it’ll probably be fine.

Obviously we still haven’t heard from the specialist in Toronto but they’re estimating JUNE so I’m not really expecting to hear from them until then. Hopefully it’ll be sooner but who knows…

The sun is rising and it looks like it’s going to be a sunshiney day today! That makes me very happy. :o) I only have half an hour left of working and I’m really enjoying this time of day because everyone’s home, so I’m not by myself (which I hate) but at the same time, no one’s bugging me either so it’s good.

Anyway, I think it’s time or toaster strudel and by the time that’s finished, work will be over and I can work on the colouring book again.

Sorry my updates lately haven’t been very meaty. I can’t deal with meaty these days.

February 15, 2012

Mermaids and Pinterest and Other Things

Okay so not the most creative title, I know, but I’m tired and cold and cranky and couldn’t think of anything else.

So Pinterest…my main beef with the whole thing is WHY would Pinterest need to save a copy of the pinned picture, creating a duplicate, competing image to the original? Well, Scutterman in the comments here made a very very good point: bandwidth. If Pinterest didn’t create a duplicate image, it would probably cost us a lot in bandwidth if we posted something popular or it could crach your entire site OR more to the point, they probably don’t want thousands of pins and repins on their site where the image is a giant red “X”.  That makes sense to me. I’m okay with that thinking, I really am, I just wish that we only had the thumbnail view to deal with. I wish Pinterest wouldn’t save a full-sized copy of my copyrighted image and I’m going to e-mail them saying so, rather than just writing a blog post bitching about it.

So go ahead, pin my stuff. Repin my stuff. Have a ball! Just do it PROPERLY and with ATTRIBUTION. Thank you.

That said, I added these nifty new social media buttons to my site so you can do it easier. I kinda think they’re ugly and I can’t figure out how to make them all display at the bottom (I don’t think you can), but there they are all the same.  With the same plugin I could make it so when I post something it automagically posts it to my Facebook fan page but I couldn’t figure that out either and I think you have to pay for the service. Also the app wanted to access a lot of things on Facebook I wasn’t comfortable with so I deleted it and I’ll just post things the old fashioned way.

I finished a mermaid for the colouring book and I’m really pleased with how she turned out. Behold!

She’s supposed to be holding pearls in her hands but I’m not sure if that comes across. I don’t plan on posting every single time I draw something for the colouring book (who am I kidding, I probably will haha) because I’d like there to be some surprises but I’m really happy with how they’re all turning out. It’s like this colouring book was meant to be because I haven’t screwed any of them up so far and I haven’t had to scrap any. I re-inked the fairy I did initially and I like her a lot better now. The hard part is coming up with variations of the girls because I’m working in black and white. I’ve made 3 mermaids before but they all looked different because one was dark-skinned and two were light-skinned and one had a jewel-toned colour scheme and the other two were turquoise. One was blonde, one was blonder, one had brown hair and I’m totally forgetting the big one I did, she had brown hair too but her background was blue and sparkly with fish hooks. Madison said I shouldn’t do backgrounds though, because she says she hates colouring backgrounds, so I’m not.

I mean I basically draw the same four girls in every painting I do but there are variations in colour and hair styles and skin tone and stuff so they all look different. That’s not so easy to replicate in black and white. BUT I’m trying my best and I’m having a good time with it and that’s all that matters.

And with that, I’m gonna go watch Dr. Phool and draw a goth girl. On Sunday I think I need to go to Curry’s to buy some more 08 Microns since I only have one and it’s been getting quite the workout.

Also, Juicy Fruit is delicious.

Oh and I signed up for this because it’s free and my mother told me to.  My new vintage overalls also came today (thanks Charlie!) and they are fucking awesome. They smell like ass though so I have to wash them before I can wear them. The straps also need adjusting and I’m not strong enough to do it so when Blake’s not working I’ll get him to do it.

Okay really going now.


~*PLEASE DONATE SO I CAN GO TO ART CAMP!*~

« Previous Page« Previous entries « Previous Page · Next Page » Next entries »Next Page »