January 14, 2014

There’s a God-awful shitty feeling of dread in my heart…

This is going to be short, I think.

Seasonal Affective Disorder has set into my very soul and I’m basically incapable of most human function at the moment. I can work and that’s pretty much it. I can’t paint, I don’t want to take pictures, don’t feel like writing. Even the Golden Globes which is one of my favourite things about winter didn’t make a dent in the depression in my bones.

I’ve tried explaining it to Blake but he doesn’t really understand. It’s like every bad thought I’ve ever had about myself washes over me at regular, uncontrollable intervals while another thought, the thought of oblivion, is always crouched in the corner of my brain saying “do it, do it, do it”. Always. I don’t think it’ll ever not be there.

Yesterday Blake had to come home early from work because I truly thought I might hurt myself. I didn’t know how, but I was going through my mental rolodex of suicide methods but decided to call Blake instead.

I know this happens every year and nothing comes of it but it’s scary while it’s happening. I’m not supposed to see my shrink until March but Blake’s gonna call them and try to get in earlier. I think maybe we might have to adjust my meds.

So yeah…

3 Comments

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  1. Scutterman says:

    I know exactly how SAD feels, I’ve had zero energy to do anything since mid-december. I know that I really need to start exercising, and that once I do I’ll start feeling better, but it’s so hard to get into a routine.

    • Sunny says:

      I know what you mean. I know that if I just get myself productive I’ll feel better, which is why I’ve been trying to write more and work on my Zazzle shop. It’s semi-working, except when it’s not…

      • Scutterman says:

        I’m going to meet up with some friends tomorrow. Hopefully after that I’ll have the energy to do stuff. Since I’m working for myself right now, I really need to work out how to motivate myself.