January 31, 2014

Don’t Be a Fool! Stay in School!

This fake stay in school PSA is the goddamn funniest thing I’ve seen all week and that’s saying a LOT because there were two episodes of Getting Doug With High this week and one of them was an hour and a half long! Woo! The ad is probably not safe for most work places but not due to sex…it’s an ad that could be played before a movie but probably not on TV, let’s put it that way.

When I was in grade 9, my friend Shelley and I were selected to attend a stay in school seminar in Toronto which was hosted by Erica Ehm, a Much Music (Canadian MTV before we had Canadian MTV) personality I’d never heard of because I lived out in the boonies and didn’t have cable. I got singled out to be part of the seminar partly because they looked at my file and saw that Children’s Aid had been involved, but also BECAUSE I was good friends with Shelley who was constantly in trouble and sometimes she used me as an alibi. She and I also skipped class sometimes.

Anyway, they put us on a bus from Port Perry to Toronto which is like, um, I dunno, an hour & a half away and they dropped us off at this big, grey building, gave us name tags and welcome bags and told us to come into the main auditorium and sit down to wait for Erica Ehm whom I’d still never laid eyes on, but Shelley was excited about it because she grew up with cable.

Well. Erica Ehm comes onto the stage and starts talking about staying in school and how if she didn’t buckle down and get an education, she wouldn’t be the successful, cool adult she is now. The way she said it all though was like…well, we might as well have been hearing it from our own guidance counsellors, like I don’t even know if Erica wrote the presentation herself but it was awful and that was at 9am. Her presentation was over in half an hour and this thing was to go until 2pm with more presenters planned, like I know there was a cop there to talk to us about staying on the straight and narrow.

We were both like, “oh god kill us now” because we had no choice but to sit in this seminar with 200-300 other kids from other schools and be bored to tears. That’s when these three guys come up to Shelley and they start talking about “getting out of here”. The guys were from our school, grade 10, all long hair and leather jackets with plaid flannel shirts on them in some fashion, whether worn buttoned down or around the waist, they each had one.

Shelley asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure with the guys. I reluctantly said “yes” because we were in Toronto and anything could happen but it was better than being stuck in that room being told the same shit over and over again all day, especially alone if she ditched me for these guys.

All we did was literally walked right out the front doors of the auditorium, down the stairs and onto the street and not a single adult even looked at us. At a stay in school event!

The full events of the day are lost to time so I can’t give you a play-by-play, but on our way downtown, we played this game where we’d sneak into tall office buildings and see how far up we could get before they threw us out, with the goal being the roof. It was actually pretty shocking how many roofs we got onto, but this was a pre-9/11 world and security just wasn’t what it is now. No one threatened to call the cops or detain us or anything like that, they just escorted us out. And since we were assholes, the game then became to try and get back into those buildings on our way back to the auditorium from downtown, where we had stopped at The Condom Shack and I’d bought a french tickler condom, glow in the dark condoms and a few flavoured ones. I wasn’t even sexually active, I just thought they were funny.

When we got back to the auditorium, the seminar was just ending so we sat in the back like we’d been there the whole time and then at the end, we grabbed our free lunch, got on our bus with everyone else and went home.


January 30, 2014


Sooooo I went to see my shrink yesterday and because I seem to be on an upswing, we decided not to adjust my meds, but she did want me back for her next available appointment (March) and I have to get blood work done because we haven’t done it in a year. I told her my triglycerides would be high because that’s always the result. (I’m on two different cholesterol medications and try my best to eat lower cholesterol/fat stuff ever since I got sick because it’s been high for a long time. This is for three reasons:  1. Psych meds 2. Genes 3. Pancreas. The first two cause the high cholesterol which affects the health of the third, which helps process cholesterol and other fats.)

I’m still definitely depressed and under a lot of fucking stress right now due to things I can’t even write about except on paper, but I think I’m more sad and angry and confused than suicidal. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. The seas be choppy and I’ll be happier when we have calmer waters. I keep thinking that I just have to make it until March, until we go to Florida. I didn’t even really want to go to Florida (quelle surprise) because I was really stressed out about working while I was down there and still being able to do things with everyone (if we do things, I know there’s a trip to a wolf sanctuary for Wes planned – which is amazing because he’s obsessed with them – but that’s all I know). Plus using my days off of work for the driving had me envisioning us rolling into Elmvale at like midnight or something, the driveway won’t be shovelled so we’ll have to deal with that and then I’ll have to work in the morning. Same with driving TO Florida. But now that I have the week off and those stresses are removed, cannabis delivery, Doug Benson and Florida on the horizon are what keep me alive at the end of the day.

And that’s really all I’ve got to say today.

January 28, 2014

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Before I write anything else, I want to share with you a statistic from the Centre for Addictions and Mental Health (CAMH) that I just saw on Facebook: 42% of Canadians are unsure whether they would socialize with a friend who has mental illness.

That just fucking kills me.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week and today is Bell Canada’s Let’s Talk Day where they’ll donate 5 cents for every tweet or retweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk (or a photo that they posted on Facebook shared) toward mental health initiatives across Canada. I wasn’t sure if I was going to say anything about it because I feel like ME saying ANYTHING about mental illness is just beating a dead horse at this point but that statistic really bothers me. Maybe I haven’t said enough? Or am I just preaching to the choir?

I also saw a statistic today – from @Stats_Canada, a satirical Twitter account being serious for a moment – that 1 in 5 Canadians will experience some form of mental illness in their life. I’ve also known the American statistic that 1 in 4 people have some form of mental illness for a long time and I don’t think it’s changed so saying it’s the same for Canada, those 42% of Canadians who are unsure if they wanna be fraternizin’ with the crazies PROBABLY ALREADY FUCKING ARE OR THEY THEMSELVES *ARE* THE CRAZY PERSON AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IT YET. And I only even say “probably” because I suck at math, it’s probably certain fact.  (I say I suck at math but honestly I could probably figure out what % of unsure Canadians are the 1 in 4 crazy person if I tried REALLY hard…it would take me a really long time, but I bet I could get there eventually. Anyway, who has time for that?)

My friends are probably half and half crazy people/neurotypical and we all get along so that’s really all I care about. I was super lucky that I live in an area with excellent mental health services that are completely free and accessible, that I have a supportive spouse with a job that has a drug plan and that my friends are who they are and definitely not part of that 42% who are unsure, nor the other % (again bein’ lazy at math AND Google, but hey, knock yourself out if it’s important to you) that said they would not socialize with a friend who has mental illness.  Without all of the above, without the excellent support network I have in place, I would probably be dead with no word of a lie.

Ain’t that a happy thought?! This wasn’t supposed to be a bummer post, I swear! Well, I guess it sort of is. Depends on your perspective…

On Saturday I started 2 hours early and stopped 2 hours later than usual to help out a coworker who had plans, which meant I didn’t stop working until 2am and I personally think Saturday is the busiest goddamn day. If it isn’t it’s gotta be up there because I don’t stop once I’ve started. I only get up from my chair three times per shift so I can keep ahead of our dear and lovely customers whose e-mails are all equally valuable to us and keep on top of the other things my job includes. I have help for one hour so I can eat dinner with my family but even while I’m eating, I’m doing one-handed things for that hour and still only manage to eat half of whatever it is before it gets cold. This isn’t about how Saturdays suck though. This is about how Saturday really COULD HAVE sucked, but luckily the universe held off on fucking me over until Sunday morning.

Sunday morning I woke up before anyone with writing aspirations as Blake had shown me Microsoft Office 2013 Friday night – in particular OneNote – and Skydrive and I was suddenly crazy-inspired to start organizing and working on a story that I’d gotten 43,000 words into and sort of gave up on. Because as we know, that is what I do. That was all I could think about on Saturday while I worked, how to organize this beast of a thing in OneNote on Sunday and how much easier that could hypothetically make it to actually make progress on and how THAT is actually FUN because even if it amounts to NOTHING it feels productive and productivity is fun!

However the universe had other plans. My laptop screen was black and said “a disk error occurred. Press ctrl alt del to recovery”. For someone who uses the internet a lot, I am NOT a computer savvy person so I decided to wait until Blake woke up in case he knew some magic password that would make my computer happy and do what I needed it to do. In the meantime, I tweeted the error message to which the response from the Twitterverse was “uh oh” and @paladin677 said “best case scenario, just a few files needed to boot are corrupt. Worst case, the hard drive is corrupt and non-recoverable.” This made me very unhappy, but I’ve only seen a few things in my 12 years of knowing him that Blake couldn’t fix so I remained optimistic. Besides, I got through shitty Saturday and had Sunday and potentially Monday to come up with a solution because I didn’t have to work. Also, I do have a desktop on the same desk that has all my work bookmarks for situations like this, so if I had to I could use that, but a laptop for working and writing on – which was all mine was good for anyway – is really important to me so I was really hoping whatever the issue was would be fixable or we could get a new laptop as soon as humanly possible. (My birthday is coming up and stranger things have happened.)

Blake woke up and bravely pressed ctrl alt del and we watched the black screen as white letters scrolled past as it did…things…I don’t know/remember/care what things I think it was going through boot files? And then it got stuck and it stayed there and then it said it failed. Blake rubbed my back, gave me a hug and said, “is it okay if I take this in the other room?” which may SEEM like a total over exaggeration but he did and it was a fair question as I have a tendency to need to maintain order and ritual and can be particularly attached to certain things, especially things that I deem essential, so the fact that I wasn’t freaking out , despite the fact that I hadn’t backed up that machine in QUITE some time, was probably freaking him out a little.

Honestly though, that machine was ridiculously slow at performing even the most basic tasks so we had literally been talking about wiping it Sunday anyway and reinstalling Windows – except we were going to back shit up first. The only thing I could think of that I’d lose of any “value” that I didn’t already have backed up was my large collection of carefully curated animated gifs. I figured I’d live.

So he takes it in the other room and does more things and says he hopes it’s just the hard drive because he couldn’t read the one in my laptop or recover any of its data with his wizardry. We were going to go have coffee with Ronny and Alex in Barrie anyway so we just waited until it was time to do that and since we had gotten there a little early, we just stopped into Staples where Blake bought a new hard drive.

When we got back, he put the new drive in and the computer worked again. HOORAY! THE DAY IS SAVED! He installed Windows and we also installed every program I use for work and writing and we started transferring my “My Music” folder to the newly formatted laptop over the network which was going to take a really long time so in the meantime I started taking stock of what I’d really lost…and then I started freaking out because the Word document I use for work with all of my approved language that I’ve built up over the last 2 years that is essential to my job had NOT been backed up anywhere. I had e-mailed it to myself last January (because that’s backing things up, right?) but we’d had a million meetings since then and I’d added a ton of stuff. For some reason I’d thought I’d backed it up more recently than that…somewhere…but it could not be found so I had to e-mail my coworkers for help rebuilding mine, based on the one I’d e-mailed last year. That was the only super bad thing and again, I caught it Sunday night so I had all night Sunday and all day Monday to rebuild a new one to the best of my ability before needing it to start work this morning.

The good thing that happened is that I’ve rediscovered this writing project that I’d so given up on, I’d literally given Madison the raw material – because I know it from beginning to end and have it all written down – and told her to go nuts and write the rest. She never did and gave it all back and it’s sat on a bookshelf in my office – the hard copy, all my notes and drawings – ever since. The latest copy we found (because I hadn’t backed that up either) was 43,000 words and missing two chapters that the hard copy had so I’m going to have to retype those by hand but that’s still not a big deal because I’ve spent long enough time away from the story that I’m going to have to start reading it and fine tuning it from the very beginning with fresh eyes, which will be so much easier and fun with OneNote. And Blake set me up with Skydrive, which is a cloud type thing Microsoft offers so my Word documents will never NOT be backed up again and that’s pretty cool. Oh and the laptop runs a LOT faster now, so, bonus.

And that’s my serendipitous laptop story! Geez, last week I was using Excel, which I find confusing as fuck and this week I’m all OneNote and Skydrive. All these crazy technologies! (That have apparently existed for a long time…)

In other news, my depression seems to have lifted somewhat since I thought I was a danger to myself a couple of weeks ago. I see my shrink tomorrow to talk about it and I think I’m okay for right now but if she thinks I should up my anti-depressants then obviously I’ll do that. Honestly, and this is going to sound so so stupid and I cannot even believe I’m admitting to this “out loud”, one of the biggest things that’s been keeping me going is Doug Benson’s YouTube show Getting Doug With High. It started in October and it’s a 45 minute talk show that starts at 7:15pm EST (4:15pm PST) Wednesday nights and it stars Doug Benson, of Super High Me fame, who has on comedian guests and at 4:20pm PST, and for the next 45 mins, they all smoke weed and Doug asks them questions, like their “High History” where they talk about their experience with marijuana. I dunno, it’s just funny…mostly stupid, but also funny. Like, Sarah Silverman’s been on the show and Aubrey Plaza, for example. Most of them are people I’ve never heard of honestly, because I don’t really follow stand up comedy, but it’s just this dumb funny little internet show that I discovered by accident at the height of my depression and basically I watched a couple of episodes every day until I didn’t want to kill myself anymore! YAY! Now it’s the height of my week, as sad as that statement may be, but I watch the recorded show on Thursdays because I can’t get live YouTube on my TV and at that time usually Blake and I would be watching something together on the TV. So Thursdays are good because I only have to work 2 hours and there’s a new episode of Getting Doug. :o)

Speaking of weed, I just read this interesting article about the language of pot and how it’s going to change with the legalization and mainstreaming of it. The article says, “Domestic strains, at first top-end luxury items, gradually took over more of the national market, so that a kid buying on the street in New York would be just as likely to order by strain name as a medical client in Mendocino County, according to Travis Wendel, an ethnographer at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice.” which I highlight because Blake says “most people smoke pot”, in that most people do not know the name of marijuana by strain, they just buy “pot”. I begged to differ said that the times have changed and that by now the average person, especially the average person BUYING pot, can name at least one strain of it because I can guarantee the guy they’re buying it off of didn’t just tell them it was “pot”, he gave them some crazy name whether it’s real or made up. That’s marketing. The average person may not have the connections to actually GET the strain(s) of pot they know of, but they know at least one. So tell me in the comments, whether you’re a pot smoker or not, can you name a strain without googling? How about two strains? Or maybe you don’t know any at all. Lemme know either way because I’m curious.

The other thing that’s kept me relatively sane the last couple of weeks is the recent discovery of Flynn’s Traditional Irish Pub in Penetanguishene. This place is special because there are SIX WHOLE THINGS on the menu that I would not only eat, but actually probably really like. What their website’s menu doesn’t have is their little sandwich things that I think they call “flying toasties” or something like that that are just a panini, really, but everything in the sandwich has flavour unlike practically every other sub place, deli or other restaurant I’ve ever been to. Their rye bread isn’t just the usual white rye bread, it’s marbled and herbed. Their havarti cheese isn’t just havarti cheese, there are flecks of things in it, which normally I’d be completely against but I was halfway through eating one before I noticed so whatever! The lettuce isn’t iceberg or even romaine, they use spring mix, which is exactly what I’d use at home. The mayo’s pretty standard and really so is the turkey, but the way it’s all put together is currently my favourite thing ever. Blake said the reuben was pretty good but he really really liked their french onion soup. We both want to try their prime rib but it’s $22 and we don’t have the cash right now. I’ve never actually had prime rib before but I really like roast beef and I really like steak and everyone tells me prime rib is somewhere between the two so I can’t see what I wouldn’t like about it. I’d rather go two times and have shepherd’s pie one time and potato and leek soup another time than go once and have something I’m not sure I’ll like, though, so prime rib will have to wait until there’s more money. Also that place is super busy on Friday nights. The first night we went there was a Friday night and they asked us if we had a reservation, which we didn’t because it’s a pub…in Penetang…never dreamed we’d need one…but then again, it’s a pub…in Penetang. It’s probably the fanciest place in town or at least the fanciest we’ve seen there so far.

The whole reason we even stumbled into Flynn’s was because the restaurant we discovered in Penetang in December (on the hunt for new food places), the Blue Sky Restaurant & Tavern, was closed until the 26th. My guess is that the owners went to Florida, but who knows? They don’t have a website but there is a google+ page where people have left good comments. No menu though, which is a shame because that’s the greatest part about Blue Sky. I have no idea of the history of Blue Sky, but here’s the history I’ve created in my mind: upper management dude in big corporation decides he’s unhappy with life so he’s going to pursue his two passions: cooking and nature, so he moves up North and opens a restaurant where he cooks whatever the fuck he wants to because he’s the boss and the portions are gonna be BIG, none of this bullshit, sissy crap you see at other restaurants; THERE WILL BE TO-GO CONTAINERS FOR ALL. Their menu is like one weird stream of conscious list of eclectically put together foods, none of which I can think of right now. Despite having this huge, crazy menu, there are really only three things on it that I’ve found that I like so far (with the possibility of a few more) and they do all three really well. The first is peameal and eggs. The mark of a good restaurant to me (well, that kind of restaurant) is how good their breakfast is. If their breakfast is good, the rest of their food probably is too. If it’s just so-so, as will be their food. If it sucks, well, why would you go back? This isn’t a concrete rule, it’s just something I’ve noticed over the years and Blue Sky’s breakfast is awesome. Blake loved it because they had actual corned-beef hash (which you don’t find around here a lot) and not only was it good but it was plentiful and I thought their peameal was excellent. Also I have a weird thing with eggs, some I like and some I don’t. They can all be prepared perfectly but depending on what the chicken was fed, the taste of the egg is going to change. Most restaurants use large, white, factory-farmed eggs, whereas at home I buy the omega-3 (also factory farmed – but fed better!) eggs and there is a definite taste and texture difference. That’s the egg spectrum for me. I don’t know where Blue Sky sources its eggs but they were pretty close to the omega-3 ones. If they got them from an actual farm in Penetang, it would not surprise me in the slightest. Their homefries were disappointing. They were basically boiled potatoes on a plate and not even ketchup could save them. Two outta three things o the plate ain’t bad though. The second thing I really like there but can only have very rarely sometimes because as far as my pancreas is concerned, I’m playing with fire, is their perogies. They’re like 7 or 8 potato and cheese perogies that I think they boil first, then they arrange them in a circle with one in the middle on a plate, pour shredded marble cheese on top of them, throw onions sauteed with chunks of bacon on top of THAT, then put it all under a broiler to melt the cheese and serve. How fucking evil is that? You definitely get an order of those to share with someone because they are deadly. And of course the third thing Blue Sky has, that they do better than any restaurant I’ve ever been in, is their clubhouse sandwich. I can eat in any restaurant that serves a traditional clubhouse sandwich. I don’t want any fancy chicken breast or garlic and lemon aioli (especially both on the same sandwich, gross), just the usual. If I know the people at the restaurant really well, I may ask them to substitute peameal for bacon because I think that’s better and when I was a teenager I used to hang out at this restaurant called the Fickle Pickle that had a chicken salad clubhouse that was pretty fucking awesome. Then the chef quit and they stopped serving it. ANYWAY, Blue Sky’s clubhouse is good because they give you all white turkey meat without even asking (it’s happened twice now so I don’t think it’s a coincidence) and it’s meat from an actual turkey as opposed to deli meat, they’re not afraid of mayo, it’s on every inner surface of bread and they’re not stingy with the tomatoes. In this case they use romaine lettuce which is actually what I would ideally want on a clubhouse (as opposed to the spring mix at Fynn’s I was raving about), but it’d be good even if it was iceberg.

So basically Penetanguishene, Ontario is magical because I can eat there! And actually LIKE what I’m eating and paying for and who I’m paying it to! Next on the list of magical Penetang restaurants to try is Phil’s Casual Dining because I’d really like to see just how casual it really is. With a name like that, there’s gotta be something pretty amazing on the menu. (That said, Double Happiness in next-door Midland, Ontario is the worst Chinese food I’ve ever had. More like Double Crappiness. The name sold me and I was completely deceived! Blake said he knew something was up when there were no actual Asians in the restaurant working or eating.)

Anyway, I’ve just spent way too long vomiting 3500 words at the screen instead of working on or organizing any real writing so I think I’d better go medicate so I can eat dinner when Blake gets home. Madison said she was going to make herself a grilled cheese and Wes said he was going to make himself soup. I’m going to show them both up completely by making the same for me and Blake using WHOLE GRAIN BREAD (the horror!), real havarti and marble cheeses (as opposed to Black Diamond processed cheese slices!) and I’m actually going to use a POT and nice bowls for our tomato soup (as opposed to dumping soup in a Tupperware container, adding water, vaguely stirring, microwave until lukewarm – this is how Wes makes soup). Now you may be thinking, “if she were a good mom, she’d make that for the whole family rather than letting her kids make their own crappy dinners,” and I would argue that I asked them what they wanted an hour ago and that is what they told me because they were too lazy to help me think of anything else for Blake to pick up on his way home for dinner that wasn’t take-out. When Madison (who is 15 and can make a hell of a lot better meals than this) said she’d make a grilled cheese, I even asked her if she’d show Wes how to make one for himself while she did it so he could make one right after her but he didn’t want to learn/didn’t want that and said he’d rather make himself soup. They both basically told me they’d make their own dinners so they wouldn’t have to stop what they were doing and think for ten minutes. They’re old enough to only be asked once and to make their own dinners sometimes, as garbage-esque as they may be.


January 23, 2014

Things I Will Not Eat (Part One)

Almost every day around 3:30pm, I start looking at Pinterest for dinner ideas in time to e-mail Blake a grocery list so he can go to the grocery store on the way home usually if I get a list to him by 5:30pm, I’m good, but I usually call around 4:30 or 5pm to see where he is to determine how much time I have and the less time I have, the more stressed out I get and sometimes, quite often in fact, he just comes home and I’m in tears because I couldn’t think of anything in time. As I’ve said previously, I have massive issues with food, both physically and psychologically, but I do my best to have at least one meal a day. Or at least two snacks. And if sometimes those two snacks are cookies and strawberries with whipped cream, so be it and I thank you not to food shame me. When you’re on day 3 of not eating, even junky food is better than a 4th day. I mean, weight’s not a concern of mine, I try my best to go for nutrition, but again, when you’re on day 3, I’d argue that sugar is a nutrient. Blake said yesterday when we were talking about me and food that if he went to prison and they fed him nothing but bread and water, the bare minimum to survive, he’d be okay. But if it were me, I’d starve to death and die. And that’s really not too far from the god’s honest truth.

Anyway, “Sunny has issues with food” has been a story I’ve told a few times and I’ve also posted recently about how I’m at a loss as to what to eat because I either can’t eat something because of my health issues, won’t because I think it’s gross or I’m sick of it. Hence the mad scramble to Pinterest’s food board at around 3:30pm. I have a million beefs with Pinterest and pinners, like, actually clicking through the pin to look at the recipe, to see if there even IS a recipe upon click-through, but that’s not what this post is about. This is a running tally of things I will not eat. Most will be ingredients, but some will be full dishes. If I think the dish is particularly heinous, I’ll link it in case it’s something YOU’D eat.

Let’s begin…

– Nutella. I know, I know, “it’s the best thing evar!” except I just can’t justify eating chocolate on a spoon, I don’t like hazelnuts, and there’s no way in hell I’m putting it on bread. Just no. I was watching some reality show this one time where they cleaned up a bum off the streets, bought him new clothes, got him a hotel room for I think 3 nights, gave him some money and then they took him out to a meal at  a 5-star restaurant. They said, “the best dessert ever is waiting back at the hotel!”, so they bring the guy back, blindfold him, and the host of the show gave him a spoonful of Nutella. I would have been so pissed! We were at a 5-goddamn-star restaurant and you bring me back to my own house for chocolate spread on a spoon? There will never be a jar of Nutella in my house and if there ever is, you’ll know I’ve really lost my marbles. (And yes, I’m a total ingrate. If I were ever homeless (again), I would likewise starve to death and die.)

– Cream and cottage cheeses (also goat) and sour cream. On Pinterest there is cheese of some sort in every. single. goddamn. thing. Often multiple kinds, including cream and cottage and they sneak it in there, ya gotta be vigilant and not just fall for the pretty food porn, you have to click through to see if that shit is in the recipe. I have been disappointed so many times by seeing pictures of stuff that looks like it would be okay, but then I check the recipe and there be the white Devil. One of my childhood friends gave me the recipe for her mom’s Mississippi Mud Pie that I had once as a child and LOVED and was totally dismayed by the fact that there’s cream cheese in it. I’m still going to try to make it one day, but I make no promises of liking it again.

– Ground beef. I used to eat a lot of it because it was cheap and you can do lots of things with it, but it just grosses me out now and I can’t even have it in spaghetti sauce. It’s okay in lasagna as long as it’s a cheese-heavy lasagna as opposed to a meaty one (maybe that was obvious). I’ll eat a hamburger from South Street Burger Co. but nowhere else, not even home made. The smell of cooking ground beef makes me feel so sick, especially when combined with onions. It’s just one of the least appetizing scents on the planet to me.

– Chili. I just hate everything about it, the beef (or turkey, or TVP), the beans, the spices, the tomatoes – there is nothing I do not hate about chili. I *want* to like chili! I like the *idea* of chili! But the reality is just way too barftastic to contemplate. I’ve tried my whole life and it’s just a big huge “no”.

I dunno if I’ll stick with posts like these because they’re pretty negative…anyway, Blake’s home and we’re having steak, green beans and boiled potatoes (skins on) for dinner. I realize that boiling potatoes is probably the least nutrient efficient way of preparing them but it’s like, 7:30pm and we’d all like to eat before bedtime.

Sooooo yeah….

January 17, 2014


I asked Blake to hook up the Wii Fit because I hadn’t weighed myself in a while and it felt like I’d lost some weight recently when I looked in the mirror. I still figured I’d weigh about 145 lbs, unsure of how much I weighed last time but remembering that I had gained last time since the time before that.

So Blake hooks up the Wii Fit and I get on and it says I was obese before but now I’m normal, by like a lot (I forget the numbers now, it was BMI though), so then I click on the weight button and I’d lost 19.8 lbs since I weighed myself last time!!! I was 122 lbs!!! So I was like “holy shit!!! when’s the last time I weighed myself???” and we went to the calendar view and started clicking back and the 3rd week of July was the last time I weighed myself but wanna know what’s funny? I started smoking weed about a week after that and maybe I lost weight because it made me more active by virtue of not being sick all the time and the fact that I started craving healthier foods? Whatever, I’ll take it. In your face, Nancy Grace!

January 15, 2014

Membership Has Its Privileges


I got my first order from Peace Naturals!

I was so bummed out this morning when I woke up that I actually asked my coworker if she felt up for working my shift, which we do sometimes when I’m feeling sick or having problems with my medications, but she was having trouble with her internet and I know if I’d have asked her, she would have done it because she’s also one of my best friends on planet Earth but I just couldn’t ask and thus, I basically cried all the way through my shift. Luckily the day before I’d actually woken up early so I started early, which meant I had half an hour “banked” and I that meant I could end my shift half an hour early today. So I did. Then I went back to sleep.

The kids have dentist appointments today so Blake’s working from home, which I love, especially on days our sleep schedules overlap a little bit like they did this morning. I dunno, the bed just seems cuddlier and nicer to crawl back into when there’s someone else in it.

Anyway, I woke up, stumbled out of the bedroom down the hall to the bathroom without saying anything to Blake, who was in the living room working at his desk. I come out of the bathroom and Blake gets up from his desk to say hi and he tells me that my package had arrived.


So with a *little* bit of restraint, I got a drink and my camera and went to open the package that was on my desk in my office.

It was a plastic envelope, really, not a box like I expected. It came by courier and I assume Blake had to sign for it and since I was sleeping, it was a good thing Blake was home to receive it because I don’t know what happens if no one answers the door. They can’t really leave it on the chair next to my door like the other delivery guys do when no one answers.

Here’s what was inside:

I blurred out my unique ID number that we’re now supposed to use for ordering so they know it’s really us.

I also blurred out their emergency hotline number because they didn’t give me that right away so I don’t think it’s supposed to be public.

The strain is called “Happy Face” and it has 16.61% THC.

THC, tetrahydrocannabinol , is the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis. It’s a little more complicated than “the more the better” but…the more the better! haha Since I had no clue as to the THC levels in what I’ve been smoking since August (it would have varied and I was having tolerance issues the last little while), I figured I should start in the middle of the spectrum.

That’s what I got for my first week’s worth.

For my second week (because like I said, tolerance can be an issue for me), I got “Tuck” which is 18.03% THC because that was the next step up.

I didn’t take pics of any of the “Tuck” because the bottles are the same, I didn’t want to open the vacuum-sealed packages and once it’s dried and vacuum-sealed, it all pretty much looks the same.

I was too lazy/excited to not feel like shit to bust out the macro lens so this is the best I can do.

Like I said, it doesn’t look like much, it just looks like vacuum-packed weed. No pretty flowers, but know what else?

No stems.

No leaf.

No seeds.

No bullshit.

And 2 day delivery to my door.

Also, it smells incredible.

Plus, they are literally half the price I was paying at the dispensary for what I think is better product. For their most potent strains, they charged $15/gram and their weakest, $10. Peace Naturals is $6/gram across the board and again, this shit is lab tested for consistent potency so you know what you’re getting. I think that’s pretty cool. That’s a nice feature that’ll unfortunately go away once weed is finally legalized for recreational use and everyone’s growing it in their basements and backyards.

Back to Peace Naturals…they gave me this cool membership card that reminds me when my prescription needs to be renewed!

MMPR stands for “Marihuana*for Medical Purposes Regulations”. Not sure why there’s a “the” in front of it and not a “program” after it or something. Whatever, this card, along with my prescription bottles, are cop kryptonite. I can now smoke a joint legally anywhere smoking is permitted and an officer of the law can’t do anything other than ask to see my prescription. Not that I can actually roll a joint…this is my weapon of choice:

Her name is “The Sugar Plum Fairy”.

And before anyone says it…

Blake got me a personal vaporizer for Xmas (Magic Flight Launch Box) and it just never did anything for me. I googled, I asked other people questions, I was getting vapor and definitely using it correctly, but it wasn’t getting me medicated. I gave it 4 days of trying and then just gave up on it and now I’ve given it away to someone who could actually use it. Some people say personal ones are no good for some people, so I’d like to try a Volcano (a tabletop vaporizer where the vapor fills a plastic bag and you inhale out of the bag – they’re $700) but the opportunity has never presented itself. It is entirely possible that vaporizing just doesn’t work for me because eating medicated edibles (medibles) doesn’t work for me either and the weed is heated the exact same way in both scenarios, just absorbed differently. It’s also possible that it’s not necessarily the THC that helps me at all, it could be any of the other cannabinoids found in marijuana that aren’t affected without combustion. Who knows? So for now, I’m stuck smoking it, but as far as that goes, I think a bong is the healthiest option because the water removes a lot of the bad shit you get from burning flowers.


So how’s the product? I can safely say that this “Happy Face” is good shit, at least compared to some of the stuff I’d been smoking before. I’ve only had a very little bit to start because I wasn’t sure how my body would react to it since I had no idea of the THC levels in what I was smoking before and it’s just nice; my thoughts are clear and I’m definitely more focused than I normally am, music is definitely more enjoyable (or at least less boring/annoying/repetitive), I don’t feel sick (I did earlier) and I actually had an appetite for the first time in a while so I stopped writing this post halfway through and made myself some scrambled eggs.

Oh, and I’m pretty fucking happy, which is a far cry from how things were even yesterday. I think it’s mostly that the pot came and my dealings with Peace Naturals has been awesome from beginning to end and now I kinda feel more free than I did before because I’m not going to go to jail for being sick (which was a legit worry despite the fact that I come from a country that’s pretty permissive of even recreational use), than the cannabis itself though. I’m sure I’ll be miserable again tomorrow, but at least I won’t be throwing up and miserable!

Now I think I’m gonna play Sims because I did my work today and Blake says that’s enough to justify it. (Not that he’s the boss of me, it’s that *I* have to justify it and that’s what he said.)

PS. Blake got me an appointment with my shrink at the end of this month, as opposed to March when I was supposed to see her next.

* Health Canada’s spelling, not mine.

January 14, 2014

Love is old/Love is new

One month until Valentine’s Day! I love Valentine’s Day! It’s probably my 2nd favourite holiday after 4/20! I love the colours! The hearts! The lace! The ribbon! The flowers! The food! Everything! And that is why I made this painting in 2011:

“Valentine” lives with a little girl named Claire, who I think is 5 years old now and continues to be some of my best work, I think. Putting her up for sale was easy, but leaving her there until she sold, wasn’t because I really don’t like selling my originals, especially ones I really like. That said, it went to the best possible home and that makes me happy. Since a lot of people inquired about it last year but it was too late for shipping, I’m pimping out my Zazzle shop yet again because I have poster prints, greeting cards, postcards and more of this painting there. AND! I just finished making my shop a spiffy banner, so you should go look at it.

Basically I’m just trying to stay busy. Yesterday journaling just made me miserable so I’m not gonna try doing that again. I have The Wolf of Wall Street and 12 Years a Slave to watch so I’ll probably do that at some point today. I also think I’m going to make egg salad. We bought cheap eggs (as opposed to the pricier omega-3 ones that I think taste better and have a better texture that we use for eating) to use for meringue cookies but I never ended up making the cookies and as it turns out, you only need 3 eggs for that anyway sooooooooooooo egg salad.

I guess since it’s pretty much a “for sure” thing now I can talk about the Florida trip we’re planning in March with the 4 of us. We’re going to board the dogs at this awesome kennel where they get fed twice a day, get treats 3 times a day and they can be in the same pen together so Lucky’s separation anxiety shouldn’t be an issue. The cat should be okay here on her own while we’re gone, we just have to leave out a huge bowl of water, a big bowl of food and a clean litterbox and she’ll think she’s on vacation too. Blake’s mom and husband Charlie have a house there with a hot tub and a pool and they spend their winters down there. I forget how long Blake said it was going to take to get there but it’s something like a 22 hour drive from our house straight down and we plan to do it over two days. I guess we’re just gonna drive drive drive and then when Blake gets tired, find somewhere to sleep and continue the next morning.

Personally I’m looking forward to the plethora of American junk food and cuisine we’re going to encounter on our journey. I really really like pie and Jack Kerouac wrote a small sentence in “On the Road” about the portions of pie and ice cream getting bigger the farther south you go, which is a bit of wisdom I fully intend to test.

One of my coworkers lives right on the way so even if it’s just for a gas station hug, we’re gonna finally meet face to face after 2 years of working together. So that’s cool. Oh and we’re going to see Blake’s friend Noelle and Blake’s Aunt Pat while we’re down there and maybe some more people I don’t know about yet.

So that’s happening.

Anyway, I’m freezing and hungry and have to pee so I’m gonna go fix myself and watch movies.

PS. Blake’s been trying to get me in to see my shrink before my appointment in March but no one’s picking up the phone at her office. :o(

There’s a God-awful shitty feeling of dread in my heart…

This is going to be short, I think.

Seasonal Affective Disorder has set into my very soul and I’m basically incapable of most human function at the moment. I can work and that’s pretty much it. I can’t paint, I don’t want to take pictures, don’t feel like writing. Even the Golden Globes which is one of my favourite things about winter didn’t make a dent in the depression in my bones.

I’ve tried explaining it to Blake but he doesn’t really understand. It’s like every bad thought I’ve ever had about myself washes over me at regular, uncontrollable intervals while another thought, the thought of oblivion, is always crouched in the corner of my brain saying “do it, do it, do it”. Always. I don’t think it’ll ever not be there.

Yesterday Blake had to come home early from work because I truly thought I might hurt myself. I didn’t know how, but I was going through my mental rolodex of suicide methods but decided to call Blake instead.

I know this happens every year and nothing comes of it but it’s scary while it’s happening. I’m not supposed to see my shrink until March but Blake’s gonna call them and try to get in earlier. I think maybe we might have to adjust my meds.

So yeah…

January 12, 2014

Dougie? Gordie? C’mon we’re goin’ out for a rip!

On Saturday Blake and I were driving to Barrie for breakfast and we weren’t really saying anything. I looked to my left and there was a sheer wall of white snow in the field beside the road, so I pointed to it and said, “it’s pretty white out there, eh?” and I immediately clasped both hands over my mouth and we both just about died of laughter.

I *never* say “eh”. I know it’s the stereotypical Canadian thing that we all do, but I do not. Purposely. When I was dating Chris, the NYer, and living with his family half the time, I was teased mercilessly for my accent and my “eh”s to the point where I got really self-conscious and just stopped and did my best to bury my accent. An example is the word “about”. Canadians really do sort of say ‘”aboot” depending on where they’re from and I used to, but since living in NY I’ve adopted the American “abaowt”.

Anyway, it killed me how effortlessly the rogue “eh” escaped my lips and rolled off the tongue and it also surprised me because I thought I was incapable but I guess it’s like riding a bike, eh?

Posted at 12:52 pm in: Canada , Hockey , Life , Maple Syrup , winter

You know you wanna hit it, so why don’t you, just admit it?


All of these pics are some of the ones that were taken via webcam and uploaded to Camwhores.com during the month of December, where I spend a little while chatting most mornings. The site is NSFW.


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