Madison won’t let me post the juicy crap that’s happening in her life, which sucks, but I get it. She doesn’t care but she doesn’t want me posting about her friends unless I come in contact with them myself and in this case I have not.
But it’s interesting how things start happening near the beginning of the school year. In-ter-est-ing indeed.
So Blake signed me up for this macro photography class that takes place in October that I’m pretty excited about. I’m also a little bit scared because it’s going to mostly be full of real photographers and I’m just messing around with a fancy lens. But the thing is, I really really like my fancy lens, I carry it around with me everywhere “just in case” and hardly ever use it so I’m hoping this class will help me learn to think smaller. It was between this class, which sounds fun, and a Lightroom class, which sounds practical, but as my good friend Jay pointed out, I can google anything to do with Lightroom. Plus I have that awesome book about it. So I’m probably good. Might as well go with the fun thing. :o)
Btw, I’m listening to this, in case anyone was wondering:
Because, y’know, I’m Captain Canada.
Speaking of Canada, earlier this week I *almost* convinced myself that our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, was a really swell guy selling our ecosystem to the highest bidders: the US, Africa and China. Why? Because if he didn’t the US and/or China could slaughter our entire nation and there’s no one else big enough to save us. But I think that’s just me trying to see the good in people.
Earlier today I was looking out the kitchen window and there was something small and yellow in the gutter in front of our house and it was wet because it was raining. I said to Blake, like “I wonder what that is? I think it looks like a small bouquet of flowers,” and he said it looked like the wrapper from a McDonald’s product. He was right, but it goes to show you the difference in our perspectives.
I have to work tomorrow/today, which is the pits. It’s my long 9 hour day from hell where I’m mostly all by myself the whole time and it’s a busy day so it’s super sucky. I need new music to listen to. I was asked on Twitter what can of music was I looking for and honestly, I don’t even know. All I know is that, consistently, I like happy music. I don’t like emo wah my girlfriend left me so let’s look at my feet shuffle shuffle kinda music. My taste is pretty diverse, I’d say the only things I don’t generally like are country and classical, so if anyone has any recommendations, post a YouTube video in the comments and I’ll check it out.
Madison just asked me if I would have sex with Albert Einstein to which I answered in the affirmative. I would tap his old, batty, cross-dressing, genius ass is a heartbeat if it were a possibility. Call me a starfucker if y0u must but it’s the truth. Then she asked me about Peter Dinklage and like, um, HELLO, it’s Peter fucking Dinklage, you do not turn that shit down. This is all in an alternate universe where I’m not married and these people are in my sphere of influence, of course.
Wes has been marathon watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer which makes me proud because she’s the best superhero of all and I’m glad he likes her enough to watch her twice.
Anyway, I think that’s all I got in me. It’s almost 3:30am and I just popped my sleep meds so I guess it’s Facebook/Twitter/Reddit until they kick in.
So right now my job is to get through the first couple of weeks of (the kids’) school and how boring my days are potentially going to be with no one to talk to but the dogs. The cat doesn’t grace us with her presence until Madison gets home.
Speaking of cats, 400 isn’t hanging around anymore so I think she gave up or she got hit on the road. Either way, Madison needs to clean up the bed she made for her and recycle the salmon can we gave her water in. This will be her instructions for today.
I saw my shrink yesterday and it was a positive visit. I told her about how we went to the city a few weeks ago during Daste of the Danforth, that I went ziplining last week, that I sprained my foot hopping a fence (trying to get pictures, which came out so/so), that I have the studio tour coming up, and my plans for the fall/beginning of next year. We also talked about my mom getting married but I didn’t bring up my brother. There’s nothing to bring up, anyway, he’s there and I haven’t seen him yet.
I also have no idea what’s okay to post and what’s not okay to post in regards to my brother…but remember a while back when I said “in a perfect world…”? Yeah, so that basically happened. No job yet, but it’s only a matter of time.
I’m reeeeeeeaaaaaallly nervous about the studio tour. But I mean, who wouldn’t be? Especially since it’s my first (and last!) one. I am NOOOOOT signing up to do this again. Signing up to do it in the first place was an idiotic decision and if the flyers weren’t already printed, I would have completely backed out. Now I don’t really have much of a choice but to do it. It’s not for another 3 weeks though so I’m choosing not to worry about it. Yet. I don’t even know what the space looks like where I’m setting up, so put that on the list of things to do soon. I can work with pretty much anything. I also have to make hang tags for all of my paintings.
But yeah, trying not to even worry about it now.
And that’s pretty much my whole life right now I guess.
Yesterday we tried to go to the beach but the water was freezing so Wes and I sat in the car while Blake and Madison went in despite the cold. Then we went to Wal*Mart to do back-to-school shopping and then we came home and had dinner while trying to watch this terrible biopic of Steve Jobs. Thennnnn *drumroll please* I went to bed because I’m boring!
WOOOOOOO!!! What a crazy, wild life I lead!!!
Anyway, I’m going to take my thoughts to paper. Au revoir!
PS. Lucky was on my webcam today. Here are a couple of the pics for those who missed it:
Can you believe that??? HAHAHA!!! I think it is so awesome! Good for her and John. As I wrote this “I Got You Babe” by Sonny & Cher came on because, yes, I have that in my playlist and I started laughing so hard because John calls my mom that! What a weird, funny coincidence! But Sonny & Cher are a little played out I thought, so when I searched YouTube, I found this cover by UB40 and Chrissie Hynde that isn’t absolutely terrible:
And then One Love by Bob Marley came on. haha Rastafari! Praise Jah!
Sooooo I went ziplining! Can you believe that shit? It was like a fucking obstacle course and it was really hot and high up enough that you reeeeeeeallly didn’t want to fall and I did it! Madison and I went first, then Blake, then I think my mom’s friend Jamie and I’m not sure the order after that. Blake’s mom was there and my mom – since this is what she wanted to do for her 50th birthday, which is today! – and my mom’s friend Catherine and of course John and honestly? It was an awesome day. I’m really surprised I could do that! Madison and I only did one course but my mom and Catherine and John and Blake’s mom did 3 of them! Then we all did “the big zip” which is exactly as it sounds, just a big zipline through the forest where they stop you on the other end.
Here’s my mom being awesome:
After ziplining we all went to Brooke & Charlie’s hotel room for cake because it was right down the road from the ziplining place and then we all went to Pie 2 for pizza. After that we parted ways but Brooke and Charlie were in town until Sunday so on Saturday the kids spent the day with them and then we met back up here for dinner, where Blake made “the tomato thing” and they just hung out while I worked. Brooke brought me up my Doc Marten sandals and they are awesome, I love them. They fit perfectly and they look cool as hell and I just love them. I’m almost bummed it’s the last week of August because it won’t be too long before it’ll be too cold to wear them anymore, but mostly I’m just excited for how much time with them I have left this year because I normally don’t put my sandals away until October.
Anyway, that was the weekend. :o) Now it’s Monday and aside from the work meeting I have in about an hour, I have the whole day to pretty much do whatever I want. Blake and Madison are in Barrie and Madison and her friend Ramona are thrift shopping for back to school clothes and picking up Madison’s new glasses in the rain. Wes is marathoning Buffy the Vampire Slayer so it’s just me in my office with not a whole lot to do.
I’m NOT feeling particularly creative. Contemplative maybe, but I’ve learned that when I’m contemplative, the last thing I need is a keyboard.
On Friday night, Blake and I drove around and talked until 2am and we generally had a pretty good time. Or at least I thought so. He helped me sort out some stuff in my head and a lot of that was preparing for my grama’s funeral, which has me scared shitless. Like, it’s this imminent thing that’s always in the back of my head. My mom says she’s doing good though, she goes out for lunch and doesn’t need someone with her 24 hours a day. So that’s weird, but hey I’ll take it. My mom says she’s pretty busy so I’ll have to call my grama and make an appointment pretty much which is just…she’s having a good time right now and I don’t want to interrupt her plans with her friends and the people she’s super close to. Plus it sounds like there’s more time than anticipated since she’s doing so well. The doctor said she’d see spring and summer and it’s the last week of summer, really, school goes back in a week, and she’s doing pretty good so more power to her. Girl, do yo thang.
This is awesome haha and what I’m listening to at the moment.
Now this. Which Blake thinks is funny because he knows the sampled song as the original song but I don’t, I just know this song so…yeah.
Anyway, half an hour until work meeting. I’m gonna go take anxiety meds and chill until they kick in, which should be in time for the meeting. *thumbsup*
It’s 4am. I’ve been up since 2am,unable to sleep through the pain from my pancreas coursing through my trunk. I took 4 Tylenol 1s and 2 extra strength ibuprofen but they’re not doing much and I think Blake’s going to have to get hydromorph from the pharmacy before they leave for ziplining this morning.
I am so fucking tired. :o(
This has been on my mind for a while and I don’t even know why this happens, but I’m sick of old men coming into my life and telling me what I *should* do in every goddamn situation and always being way off in their unwanted advice. And when I say, “no, you’re wrong, you don’t understand” or “you don’t have the whole story, you don’t have all the information”, they always kinda say “okay do it the hard way then” as if to say, “well, I tried!” and they get offended when I don’t do what they think I should do. When I never even asked them in the first place!
The other thing I’m really sick of is certain people thinking they know me as well as they do. Someone who’s only known about my blog for a few months and claims to not read it regularly, and who I’ve literally only hung out with less than 10 times doesn’t get to say, “Sunny is X and therefore does Y” because they have no idea what “Sunny” may or may not be. And to then posit a theory as to *why* “Sunny is X and does Y”, based on…I don’t even know what because it’s often so off-base that I can’t even begin to imagine, is fucking DUMB. You are DUMB. And making grand assumptions based on ether.
EG. “All of Sunny’s paintings are self portraits, therefore she must be a raging narcissist.”
I am just so done with people right now that I can’t even stand it.
So I’ve been thinking about photography all day, because I confessed to Blake that almost a year ago, I was coming back from Squam and talking about going back to school for photography. And I didn’t do it. But at the same time, I figure, what else is new? I say I’m going to do things all the time, because I *mean* to do them, it just never happens or I lose momentum or whatever.
You should see all of the partially-written books and stories I have that I never follow through with even though I know the stories from beginning to end and there’s really no reason not to…I just get blocked, either because my brain is a lying liar or I’m not strong enough to make it through the hard scary parts and come out a phoenix arisen from the ashes. Because that’s the “ending” you want to my story right? Everyone wants me to “get a life” and despite not doing what I said I’d do last fall, I still have a pretty great life. I love my husband, I love our kids, I love our pets, I love my mom, I love my brother, I love my grama, I love my cousin Haylie, I love Ronny & Alex & Deanna and on some level, I love Phil and probably Ken too while I’m at it. Still kinda disappointed with Keith. But just about every aspect of my life that I just listed, is going pretty good, all things considered. I can’t complain.
Well, things are pretty full. And stressful. Just by the sheer amount of “stuff” swirling around me at all times and straight into my brain.
I keep telling Blake that I don’t know what to shoot. But that’s only partly true if I’m being honest with myself. I see things to shoot pretty much everywhere we go. My brain was pinging like crazy when we were in Toronto, I kept seeing all kinds of people and things to take pictures of, but A) we were driving past these places in downtown traffic on a weekend, B) I didn’t have my camera. I could have used my phone or my iPod but I really dislike both of those options and C) in the case of people, I would never have the cajones to ask them if I could take their pictures.
So yeah, I’m still into “the photography thing”, I’m just doing it my own way, as I do everything. And I’m working out the bugs. I have more ideas than technical skills and DEFINITELY more ideas than people skills so it could take me a while to figure this out. Do you need me to rush? Is my life passing by too slowly for you?
Even when it seems like I’m doing “nothing”, I’m actually doing a lot. I’m thinking. Working out problems.
omg. Blake just showed me this video of Yo Gabba Gabba, which I’d never seen before and I am in sheer awe:
I wish this show was around when my kids were little. We had Dora and Blue’s Clues and speaking of the latter, did you know that Blue fucking TALKS now? I didn’t know this until our friend Charissa, whose kids are still little, told us that. I was floored. First they get rid of Steve for Joe and now Blue talks and I don’t even think Joe is on the show anymore? Like, wtf.
Right now the Happy Meal toys at McDonald’s are Smurfs. I kinda hate McDonald’s and don’t normally eat from there if I can avoid it, but I want the toys so I’ve now purchased 3 Happy Meals so far and so far I got 3 different Smurfs out of 16. That’s a lot of Happy Meals. I hope the promotion runs for a long time because I can’t eat that many Happy Meals in a few weeks while the new Smurfs movie is in theatres and being actively promoted. I want these because my grama collected Smurfs and this is an easy-ish way to get them. The only other place I know of that sells rubber Smurfs is Mastermind Toys but they’re $6.99 there. Each. A Happy Meal is $3.99 and you get something resembling food too. So, value. Especially since that would probably be my only meal for the day.
Anyway, Smurfs. Know what is sorta like Smurfs and equally cool? Snorks. Do you remember the Snorks? Well, I was telling Blake about this bong I saw at a head shop in Kingston that was the head of a Snork and his snorkel thing was where you sucked in the smoke and it was awesome, and then we got on the topic of Snorks and Blake was like, “just search YouTube for Snorks and I’m sure something will come up”. I was doubtful because it’s a pretty old show that wasn’t super popular so it would surprise me if anything on YouTube would be any good. But okay, I’ll search, so I did and I found this playlist of 87 Snorks videos that all look like fairly good quality. Score! That is DEFINITELY what I want to spend an afternoon doing.
The kids right now are obsessed with My Little Pony, which I haven’t watched yet either. Truth be told, I kinda hate kid shows. I also hate young adult fiction. When I was a kid I liked kid shows, when I was a young adult I liked young adult books, now I just have next to zero interest in either one. There are so many books in the world that I want to read (or that I am reading, ha!) that I kinda see kid/YA stuff as a waste of time, especially since I just don’t enjoy it. It’s not challenging. The last YA novel I tried to read, which I bought by accident, was called Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children and I haaaated the beginning so I didn’t bother reading the rest of it. Madison liked it, but then again, she’s the target audience.
I read several books at a time so right now I’m reading, And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini, On the Road by Jack Kerouac (challenging because it’s the original scroll version, so basically unedited), Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie, which I’m not sure I’m going to finish because I’m just not feeling it, and the collected Wizard of Oz stories. I really want to read World War Z because we have it and I loved the movie but I can’t add it to the pile right now. Besides, Blake’s reading it.
Wow, I’m rambling haha
Last night Blake made his own version of Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines song. You can listen to it here.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever really written about it but I am a very auditory person. I can’t listen to books on tape because I would literally have to sit there and listen because I would be distracted by the talking that I just wouldn’t be able to function. So no podcasts, no talk radio, nothing like that. Music I have a deep personal relationship with. What I let into my bubble is carefully curated by myself, the criteria by which things are let in is unexplainable. I love covers IF they’re good covers. I love rap, especially when I recognize the sampling where appropriate. I love songs from the 40s to present. I am offended when people think I’ll like something when I didn’t ask them for a suggestion. I dunno why this is. Maybe it’s just too presumptuous? I dunno but it annoys the shit out of me. I almost always have music on if I’m awake. The only time I don’t listen to music during the day is if I’m walking into town. I need to be hyper aware of my surroundings when I’m outside and that means my ears need to be listening for cars, dogs, kids, bikes, rapists, murderers etc. I recognize celebrity voiceovers usually pretty instantly if I know the name of the person, a little longer if I don’t. As long as I’ve heard them speak on a TV show or movie, I can usually figure it out before the end of the commercial. I’d probably be good at listening to birds and picking out the different kinds if I took the time to learn. I’m really affected by noise. Noisy restaurants freak me out so I have to sit with my back to the crowd (so to speak) the best I can wherever we’re seated. Part of me shuts down if we’re stuck in the middle, which is why I hate the Mandarin. Like I don’t function well. I can’t carry on a conversation about anything other than the fact that I’m completely freaking out by being surrounded by people and noise. Bad cover songs offend me. I go into every cover with a very open mind and if I hate it, I just hate it. Oh and the volume has to be on an even number or a multiple of 5.
And I have synesthesia, of some variety, where words and letters have colours and anything in my peripheral vision I “hear” as noise. So a parking lot is a bad place for me, especially somewhere like Wal*Mart. Hell, Wal*Mart is a hard place to be in most of the time because it’s so noisy and there are so many zombified people that the place just freaks me right the fuck out. I go in, I get what we need, give it to Blake, and then go out t o the car to wait for him. Most of the time. I’m getting better.
When I “went crazy”, 95% of it was auditory hallucinations. So until recently, there was a large part of me who didn’t even trust sounds and noises and words and songs that came through my ears because of that one time my brain was an asshole and made me doubt my own reality in a lot of respects. I needed Blake to reassure me that everything I’m seeing, experiencing and reacting to was really there, that it was really happening.
I mean, I know I’m bipolar and I’m medicated so “there’s a floor and ceiling” to my moods but this stuff isn’t mood related. This is “on the spectrum” kinda stuff. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it all and being mostly functional (by letting Blake do the talking whenever possible) but I’ve still got all these tics that aren’t explained by anything I’ve read about bipolar disorder. I mean, bipolar disorder I is pretty straight forward:
– unstable moods; depression, suicidal ideation followed by “high” manic period.
– More highs than lows, but the lows are really low for a short period and the highs are really high for a longer period.
– First course of treatment, find the right anti-psychotic to even out moods. Check. Ziprasidone.
– Tweak with antidepressants. Check. Gabapentin and Wellbutrin.
– You have to stabilize the moods before adding the antidepressant(s) because if you don’t, the antidepressant can cause mania.
Once medicated, you’ll still have highs and lows, but they won’t go overboard and flood into psychosis or anything.
Then there’s generalized anxiety disorder, which the clonazepam and Ativan are for (and loxapine to sleep) and now a very small dose of olanzapine, which is an anti-psychotic, and this one is exactly as it sounds. I have generalized anxiety. *shrug* The drugs help, but they can only do so much.
And then agoraphobia, which is getting better.
Listening to this. Blake’s talking to his sister on the phone right now.
So it’s about an hour before work and Blake’s making me a bagel sandwich, which is havarti or cheddar cheese, scrambled eggs and ketchup on an everything bagel. I feel a little sick because I can’t take this one medication while I’m working or I might fall asleep – which suuuuucks, but whatever.
I haven’t even hit Facebook or Reddit or even Twitter yet today. I started with Twitter, it’s easier to get caught up when you’re dealing with 140 characters and that helps me weed out the meat and potatoes from Reddit and Facebook. I’ll let you know if I find anything interesting.
Oh, this was me yesterday:
And this was Blake:
Because Blake is funny. :o)
That show Homeland is on Netflix (season 1), so we watched about half the season and I just couldn’t get into it, partially because I couldn’t get the Anne Hathaway Saturday Night Live sketch out of my head. And I really really like Claire Danes, so it sucks that she’s doing something I’m not a huge fan of.
Oh, I forgot to post that a couple of weeks ago our neighbours asked Blake to ask me if I could shoot their wedding. The mere idea of doing that is terrifying so it’s not happening but Blake’s going to take my camera and do it. I wouldn’t have the first clue as to what kind of shots I was supposed to get and I’m not that great with people so it’s just not possible. It’s still flattering to be asked though!
Listening to this, which happens to be Blake’s favourite Hip song but not mine.
So long story short, Brian and I aren’t friends anymore pretty much because his partner doesn’t like me. Who has never even met me. I am such a terrible person that I must be banished from his life. So obviously there’s some stuff there that I personally don’t even want to deal with and despite liking Brian a whole lot, I get that he has to choose his partner’s wishes over a relatively new friend. That’s cool. Whatevs. You do you, I do me, we’re all good. We’re moving next year so…like I said to him, “so long and thanks for all the fish.”
Satan knows I have my own bullshit to deal with.
I told my mom I’m not going zip lining. I looked at the site and was like, “nope! This is not happening!” because with my luck, I will break a limb or I’ll break their equipment or I’ll somehow end up in an emergency room and I don’t even want to go there. My foot is juuust starting to really heal up and I don’t feel comfortable like, climbing trees or even stairs just yet so zip lining is definitely out. Plus, I don’t get what you do for 3 hours and there’s tons of bugs up in the tops of trees. No thank you.
Anyway, it’s been a looong day and I am super tired so maybe I’ll have a chance to write a proper post tomorrow before work.
She won’t let us leave the house! Earlier this afternoon she actually jumped up to the back door window and CLUNG to the screen because she heard us talking in my office. She fell before I could get a picture but this cat needs a home, like, pronto. She’s a total stalker creeper cat.
Also pardon the shittiness of this pic, I shot it through a dirty window AND a dirty screen and considering I was shooting underneath my carport I think I did a pretty good job!