July 22, 2013

Sunshine in a Bag

I’m not having a very good day so far.

I can NEVER AGAIN cover for someone at work the way I have been. I’m basically off my meds right now as a result and I’m kinda losing my shit. I took my PM meds last yesterday at like 6pm, slept until 12:30am, took my “morning” meds and then when I was done work at 5am, I took 2 extra loxapines so I’d be able to fall asleep and I slept until about 9am and when I woke up, I wasn’t sure what I should do because I shouldn’t take morning meds *again* right? But now I think it’s probably a good idea…I’m gonna call Blake and see what he says…


Blake’s coming home and we’re going to call my shrink because I AM LOSING MY SHIT.

I’ll finish this later.


I can’t even articulate what’s wrong, just SOMETHING is wrong. I can’t stop crying and I just feel WRONG. I don’t feel healthy, I’m fidgety, I’m uncomfortable. I thought a shower would help with the latter but it didn’t. I just can’t cope with the tiniest things. I watched last night’s True Blood and cried all the way through it. I don’t know if it was me? Or was last night’s True Blood extremely emotional? LIke am I seriously losing my fucking mind? I’m afraid to watch The Newsroom.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t play Sims. I can’t watch TV. I can’t paint. I can’t read. I just can’t concentrate. And I don’t really do anything else so I can’t even think of anything else I would do.

Last night was my last night working crazy hours so I should be relieved right? YAY I made it through! Except I didn’t. Obviously. I’m FUCKED UP.

I’m also on day 1 of my period so I’m sure that’s helping.

I e-mailed my mom at 3am and told her that I didn’t think I could come see my grama on Wednesday because between working all these crazy hours (which would be normal hours for a normal person, probably, but I’m not a neurotypical person) and my brother AND my grama, I didn’t think I’d be able to deal. But then when I woke up, I felt more or less okay so I e-mailed her back and said that I’d changed my mind. But she hasn;t written me back and may not because I don’t know where she is or if she has internet.

Anyway, yesterday we were at this mega-toystore called Mastermind Toys buying a gift for one of Wes’ friends, which is one of my favourite places on Earth. And I got these:

I also got this little guy whose name is “Wishful”, for my bag:

It’s hard to tell in the pic but she’s a unicorn.

And yesterday I also drove and that made me extremely emotional too, which I think was a warning sign for today. Like I should have seen this coming.

What else?

Oh, I’ve been driving Blake crazy with Snoop “Lion”‘s new reggae album, which, to be honest, I only really like 4 songs on. “Here Comes the King”, “Lighters Up”, “No Guns Allowed” and I think “La La La” is the best song on the album, which is pretty crazy considering it’s a b-side that was never meant for the album and ¬†you can only get it in the deluxe version of the album from iTunes. (Which no, I did not pay for. Please.) I also downloaded Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” which is stupidly catchy and Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s To Never Growing Up” which I *did* pay for because no one on SoulSeek had the explicit version.


So Blake came home and talked me down from the proverbial ledge and I took 2.5mg of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) to calm the fuck down and he said that at 3 or 4pm I should take my psych meds but not my sleeping ones and take my sleeping ones at 7pm like I normally do. He thinks the issue is that I took my meds too close together, not too far apart but that if I wait until normal med time to take everything I’ll be pinging because it *will* be too far apart.

So yeah.

I have a work meeting in an hour so I have to get my shit together. Blake has his immigration test tomorrow. Wish us both luck.


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  1. scutterman says:

    I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. It sounds like you were stretching yourself like an elastic band, and only allowed yourself to snap back into normal shape when the overtime was over, or almost over. After the work meeting, do you have a decent block of time before your next shift?

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