March 31, 2013

Happy Zombie Jesus Weekend!

I am so tired and PMSing bit tonight is going to be awesome because it’s The Walking Dead finale and the Game of Thrones premiere. Last night was Doctor Who’s premiere and honestly? I thought it kinda sucked and it didn’t endear me toward Clara in the slightest. We didn’t get to watch it until I was finished work at 11pm so I saw a few tweets from friends who said they really liked Clara based on this episode so I was expecting to be blown away and I just wasn’t. Then again, I didn’t like Amy in the beginning either so I’m probably not the best judge of companions. Then AGAIN, I loved Donna immediately and she’s my favourite so…I guess we’ll see.

Friday was….stressful and wonderful all at the same time.

As most of you know, on Friday we had Easter dinner with my mom, her boyfriend John, his son Chris, my grama and my Aunt Betty (my grama’s sister). This would be the first time I’d be seeing my grama or my Aunt Betty in 7 years. I was REALLY nervous about it so I took 3 clonazepams before we got there and my mom asked us to be there an hour or two early so she could “prepare” me for what was probably going to happen.

She told me to be prepared that my grama’s hair had started falling out because of the radiation but that it was still mostly a full head of hair “by anyone’s standards” and that she looked old and frail compared to the last time I saw her. I was mostly prepared for her to look older because we’ve driven past her house before when she was outside and saw for myself that she looked older but my mom said that she was using a walker now, which I wasn’t expecting.

I forget what time we got there, I think around 1:30pm or 2pm and my grama was expected to be there between 3pm and 4pm.

Before I go any further, here are some pictures of Blake and John being dumb. They’re out of focus because I had like, 30 seconds to get the camera and take the pictures before the moment was over:

This is what Blake was threatening to hit him with.
It used to hang in my grama’s kitchen:

At about 2:30pm I started freaking the fuck out and had a small panic attack. I was afraid my grama was going to be mean to me. Rick, my caseworker, said that when I saw her if she was mean to me, I didn’t have to take her abuse and that I should leave but that’s when she was in the hospital and leaving would have been as simple as walking out the door. Leaving my mom’s on Friday would have been a lot more complicated. Getting Madison out the door with her crutches alone would take like, 15 minutes. (I forgot to make a post about that: Madison fractured a bone in her foot when she fell off a snow hill on Monday. It’s splinted right now and on Tuesday we go back to the hospital for another x-ray and a walking cast.) I just didn’t know what to do when they got there. My mom said to give my grama a hug and I said I didn’t know if I could do that.

Anyway, my mom said not to expect any heartfelt confessions or anything like that (which I wasn’t) because my grama just wasn’t doing that kind of thing. In fact, my grama, she said, is convinced that she’s going to fight the cancer and win. My mom said that mostly everyone is angry about the cancer. My grama just retired and the same week the oncologist had to take away her driver’s licence, my grama’s passport came in the mail. That’s fucking bullshit and completely unfair.

At around 3pm my Aunt Betty pulled into the driveway and I watched out the window as she helped my grama out of the car and got her set up with the walker. They came in the back door so they had some stairs to go up (well, there would have been stairs no matter which door they went to) and then my grama came into the kitchen where I was standing. She held her arms out toward me for a hug and we both started crying and she said, “Don’t you worry, grama’s okay, grama’s going to fight this” and that just about killed me. The cancer is already in her brain. It’s in her lungs. It’s likely in her liver and I know that once it’s in the liver, you’re pretty much fucked.

But I guess she has to say that. What else is she going to say? She’s never taken anything laying down so this shouldn’t be any different, no matter how hopeless it is. She underwent a week’s worth of radiation the week before last and I think (?) as a result her face looked ruddy, almost like a sunburn. And she did look a lot older than I was expecting. And small. Frail. Sick.

My Aunt Betty got my grama set up in the living room so Blake, me and I think John sat in the living room with her, while Madison and my Aunt Betty sat at “the kids table” in the dining room which opens into the living room so they were basically in the same room as us. I don’t even know what all we talked about. Mostly Blake and my grama talked about Blake’s job, Madison’s foot and when I was sick. Just catching up. Everything is such a blur and it all happened so fast that I honestly have no idea what else was discussed. We didn’t talk about her being sick, except she did say she was going to be shaving her head next week and that it was “going to grow back red and curly”. (Which is her natural hair type, before she went grey.)

Then dinner was ready so we ate (ham, scalloped potatoes, carrots, corn) and made more small talk and then we had dessert (my Aunt Betty and grama had brought a blueberry pie, which I don’t like so I didn’t have any) and then my grama looked at the pictures I’d had printed for my mom for Xmas and both my grama and Aunt Betty complimented me on my photographic skills. My grama liked my dogs and enjoyed seeing the pics of Madison’s graduation. My Aunt Betty thanked me for the picture of the sap droplet. My grama said she loved the flowers I sent and the card and she said that my paintings were beautiful.

Then my grama and Aunt Betty left and we hung around my mom’s for a while afterward, talking about the house down the street from them that’s still for sale because the lady who owned it killed herself in the living room and real estate agents don’t like to show it because of that and because it’s listed privately. Blake e-mailed my mom’s realtor on Saturday morning and asked her if she’d show it to us sometime soon.

And that was the end of the day. I was pretty upset on the way home about everything. I mean, it was a good day, it was as if my grama and I had never had a falling out at all, it was all just water under the bridge, but in a way that sort of made everything just a little more sad. I was still pretty upset Saturday morning and cried all the way through breakfast. In public. :o/

So that’s that. I’m still trying to process it all and it was a good day. And there’s still time to have more good days, which I already intend to have with her.

These are the flowers she brought me:

Saturday I had to work, so screw Saturday, Saturday sucked.

Today I worked on my shadowbox and we watched the movie Saved! this morning, y’know, in honour of Jesus, and then we watched Battlestar Galactica, which we’re starting from the beginning again because it’s so damn good and then we hid geocaches in preparation of the Elmvale geocaching breakfast event in a couple of weeks which sort of “opens” the geocaching season. We hid 4 of them and we saw wild turkeys. I brought the camera with me but not my zoom and they were too far away to get decent pictures of. Here’s Wes and Blake though:

Here’s the new bag Blake got me at the mall on Thursday:

And here’s what it looks like with the top flap open:

And here’s my kickass shadowbox so far:

The red tape isn’t staying, it’s just there so I didn’t get paint on the glass.

When I was gluing the LEDs into the holes, I twisted a wire the wrong way so there’s one light that will only stay on if taped a certain way so I’ll never be able to sell this thing once I get it finished, but I’m not sure I’m going to want to anyway. I bought a second shadowbox so if this one works out the way I want it to, I can make another one; the only issue I’m going to run into is buying lights when it’s not Xmas but they may have them at Michael’s or possibly even Wal*Mart or Crappy Tire.

Anyway, I think it’s going to look cool when it’s finished, pending I don’t royally fuck it up.

And that’s all I got. Happy Easter!

March 30, 2013

My Sigil

HBO has this neat thing where you can make your own family sigil so I made one just for me.
This does not reflect my family in any way, just me.

Make yours here:

Posted at 2:54 pm in: Game of Thrones , Spring , TV
March 27, 2013

Blow a Kiss, I’ll Make Ya Feel Better

In regards to yesterday’s post on creativity, see this set of comments on Live Journal and feel free to join the conversation either here or there or wherever you happen to be reading this. I just miss the intense rush of ideas I used to get when I was manic. Medicated, I struggle with ideas. I have to work to come up with them. Before I was medicated, they just came to me 10 at a time and they HAD to be created, it wasn’t even optional. I would have to stay up for 4 days in a row just to get them all finished. That is what I miss.

I love my girls. I love making my girls. But they don’t excite me the way other things have in the past. Hell, they don’t excite YOU the way other things have in the past, but that’s okay because I’m making them for me, not you. What baffles me about my girls is that so many people have said to me “I’d buy one if they were cheaper”, so I opened my Zazzle store.  There you can buy a poster of just about every painting I’ve made in  the last 3 years, but I’ve yet to sell one. All I’ve sold there is 2 iPhone cases – which are big ticket items, don’t get me wrong – and I think some stickers. I ordered greeting cards, buttons and stickers and the quality was pretty excellent. I wouldn’t sell anything that I thought might be crap. The mugs I ordered weren’t quite right so I took those out of my shop, but I’m pretty confident in the printed paper items. I just don;t understand why no one’s bought anything there when it’s all so cheap, relatively speaking.

And it’s not all about selling or anything, I don’t care so much about that, I don’t run an “art business”. I stopped trying to make art a business a long time ago. (But that doesn’t mean my work doesn’t have value. It does.)

That’s just what I see most artists doing: they find what they’re good at, their technique, their thing and they make a million of them. Then when they get sick of doing that or they’ve exhausted all possibilities, they do something else. With my girls, I’m not there yet. I’ve still got another million ideas for them. I just think that I could be doing something else at the same time, something more experimental. I just don’t know what that thing is yet because my little dick brain is totally impotent thanks to anti-psychotics.

I have a drawer full of metal, so I could do more things like this. I have copper and brass and possibly some silver. But tooling metal is HARD y’all. I learned how to do it in grade 5 and I made this kick ass copper lion that I gave to my dad that’s probably lost for all time now…


And this post ends now.

March 26, 2013

The absolute worst part about being on meds.

I miss mania.

I miss staying up for 4 days straight and just creating in the most primal way imaginable.

I miss making things like this.

Or this.

Or this.

Or this.

Or this:

I’m so homogenized now.

Sometimes – secretly – I think it’s all a big conspiracy to keep me tamed.

Like I was a threat that had to be put down.

But I know that’s not true. I do.

Except that’s how it feels.

To be a shell of your former self.

March 25, 2013

My Baby Don’t Dance

The school called about half an hour ago and apparently Madison jumped off a snowbank and fucked up her ankle. They want us to take her to a “healthcare professional” so Blake’s on his way home. This could be a broken ankle, this could be a twisted ankle, this could be the office being overly cautious, this could be Madison being a drama queen, this could be a ploy to get out of gym class – all of the above or a mixture of the above is possible. If it’s broken, I’m gonna draw butts all over her cast while she’s sleeping. Because butts are funny.

Yesterday was an okay-ish day. I wrote 6 pages on the story I’m working on so that was a plus but then I got scared – because I was excited and proud that I’d written what I thought were 6 good pages – that I was manic, so Blake and I did a thought record and I decided I wasn’t manic but then I got depressed because being scared I was manic made me depressed and so then I wasted a good mood thinking I was manic and that would ruin the whole day.

Here are the thought records:

(Click to enlarge.)

And here’s the one I did last Sunday on productivity:

So there ya go, meet my crazy.

Then, in an effort to make the day not a total loss, we went to Pie for dinner and I got salty balls (good) and their fries (good, but really just spiced fries and I thought their smoky ketchup was gross). Afterward I felt like barfing so I think that’s going to be the last trip to Pie for a while. I know I said that last time, but Pie always cheers me up so that’s why we went there. It didn’t really cheer me up though and the day was basically a write off, just as I figured it would be.

We’re going to my mom’s Friday afternoon for dinner and she’s inviting my grama. She’s not sure my grama will feel up to coming, but she’s inviting her anyway. She’s finished with radiation and she still has all her hair but it caused little sores in her mouth which led to thrush and a sore throat so she’s on medication for that and apparently she has really bad swelling in her feet and calves which I don’t know if it’s from the fall or radiation. I’m not really sure how radiation works.

Her property is officially sold (I’m not sure if I posted that the deal I talked about last time fell through). A Chinese family bought it and the family is going to live above the store, the store’s going to be a convenience store and they’re going to rent out the house. Seems like a good use of things. It’s gonna be super sad for me to see the store as a convenience store. We’ve driven past so I’ve seen the store empty, which got me, but seeing it “alive” again but with a whole different family living there is really going to take some getting used to.

Anyway, I don’t have a whole ton to say so I think I’m gonna go play Sims.

PS. It looks like Hoover has something called “ear tip vasculitis”, which from what I can gather, is an infection or disease of the veins in his ear. His ear looks all deformed, like, crinkly, and the veins feel hard and swollen. Poor guy. They both go to the vet on Thursday to get their shots so we’ll have it looked at then. Apparently it will be fine if they give him antibiotics so I hope Dr. Google isn’t telling me stories.

March 23, 2013

Welcome to Elmvale

Ignore the first part.

Posted at 12:07 pm in: Canada , High School , Kids , Life , Madison , Spring , Sunnyland

I liked this.

Posted at 9:24 am in: Art , Life , Mental Health , Quotes , Spring , tumblr

God. Preach It Sister.

So you’re tired of hearing about “rape culture”?

Read it. Understand it. Prevent it.

This should also be posted:

The Shortest PSA On How To Handle Drunk Girls Passed Out On Your Couch — EVER

That is all…for now.

March 22, 2013

What is on your happy list?

One of the first things I did when I set up WordPress (okay, had Blake set up WordPress) was make a page for thanking the universe. Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe you haven’t, but here it is either way: SHPLOINK. I add to it every now and then, just little bits here and there as I think of them, but admittedly it’s been a while since I paid that page any attention so at the suggestion of ZeFrank’s video above, I decided to add the following to my happy list:

Baby corn, teriyaki, ribbon and lace. Unicorns, dinosaurs, the Lock Ness Monster either real or imagined. Virginal whiteboards and a whole whack of markers, the ability to figure things out – even if it takes a while; paper flowers, pancreatic enzymes, YouTube, copper, gold and tin. Baby sloths, grown up sloths, sloths in general. Love notes, crystals, magic, movies, comic books, stories (even though sometimes they make me cry). Videos of dogs being reunited with their owners (even though they pretty much always make me cry). Family, friends, friends that are family; Sharpies, shar-peis, beagles, mongrels and mutts. Headbands with ears, horns, bouncy flowers and halos; pirates, puzzles, gel pens, scissors and glue. Random text messages like the one Madison just sent me about baby goats running around in her French class. Postcards, Play-Doh and plasticene; mud masks and hair dye.

What would be on yours?

I Like My Beats Fast & My Bass Down Low

I just finished reading The Walking Dead volume 17: Something To Fear (the first trade past the 2nd compendium) and I have no trouble admitting that it made me cry like a fucking baby. :o( It’s kinda killing me that I have to wait to find out what happens next. That’s my beef with comics, I just want to read a story from beginning to end. But with comics you only get bits and pieces and it drives me crazy.  Also just the format of comics is too slow for me, I don’t like pictures in my books. Having said that, I’ve really enjoyed The Walking Dead, but I think that’s mostly because the compendiums felt more like real books than comics.

Yesterday’s CBT was pretty useless. It was the chapter on “anger, guilt and shame” and completing “responsibility pies”. Seriously. Well, I don’t often get angry and when I do it’s completely justified. Like they said “write down the last time you were angry and rate your anger with a percent”. So I did.

No “responsibility pie” necessary, I’m well aware of who’s responsible for this and it’s not me.

I just don’t really get angry. I have guilt about not doing productive things but that doesn’t really jive with a “responsibility pie” because the examples they used were like…well lemme explain what a responsibility pie is. So you have a situation. The examples they used were Marissa was sexually molested by her father when she was a kid (shame), Vic was pissed at his wife for bringing up credit card debt and yelled at her (anger) and someone got a DUI (guilt, I think). So then for each thing, you assign a bit of responsibility to each person or thing that surrounded those events and you do yourself last so you don’t automatically assign yourself too much of the responsibility out of guilt, anger or shame. So like for Marissa, they assigned 70% of the pie to her father. Then they assigned 10% to her mother for not protecting her. then they assigned 10% to the alcohol her father consumed before molesting her and then maybe 5% because I suck at math, to her grandfather for molesting HER father and the 5% that’s left was Marissa’s share for not doing more to stop the molestation. So that’s a responsibility pie. Now you can see how it doesn’t exactly apply to the last thing that made me angry.

On the way home Blake and I were trying to think of the last time I was angry and like, we had a minor fight last Friday and I was pissed at him but neither of us remembered what it was about. Like I said, my guilt doesn’t really apply to this at all and I think it’s pretty obvious I have no shame.

So CBT this week was a bust. Next week they moved the class to Wednesday but because Blake and I already arranged it with our bosses for Thursdays, I’m coming in next Thursday as scheduled and we’re just going to have a mini class with me and one other lady.

Next week is “Assumptions and Action Plans”. Oh joy of joys.

We got a call yesterday that Rick (my caseworker) wouldn’t be able to see me but this Susan woman could. Blake called back to see what that was all about and they didn’t elaborate much but said Rick was going to be gone for 4-6 weeks. I hope he’s okay. :o/ You usually only take a sudden 6 week vacation if something’s wrong in my experience. Anyway, I can start seeing this Susan woman instead if I want but I don’t think I want to. I just don’t see the point. Blake may disagree, I dunno, we haven’t really talked about it in great detail. I don’t want to deal with a new person and I’m not sure I need a caseworker anyway. Rick hasn’t exactly helped, I don’t think, and it’s just one more hoop I have to jump through and I’m sick of all this bullshit. I just want to crawl under a rock and be left alone.

I haven’t heard anything new about my grama. I’m not really being kept in the loop. My mom e-mailed Blake asking what time we have off for Easter and she said she may have something up her sleeve which is a terrifying prospect. I only have the Sunday off (well and the Monday but Blake doesn’t) and as long as we’re home by 9pm, I don’t care what we do. That’s the Game of Thrones premiere and the Walking Dead finale, so yeah…

I sent my Aunt Betty a framed print of this picture on Monday:

For those not in the know, that’s sap dripping out of a spigot into a metal sap bucket and I sent it to my Aunt Betty because my whole ;life, up until a few years ago, my Aunt Betty & Uncle Bill made maple syrup by tapping the trees on their property. It was sort of a big deal. My Aunt Betty is older now though and my Uncle Bill fell and hit his head so he’s apparently not so much “all there” anymore so they don’t make maple syrup anymore but it’s still a lot of good memories for all of us so I thought she’d appreciate that picture. She’s going through a lot right now with my grama dying & all so I thought I’d send her something to make her smile.

Anyway, I have to go work on something before I worry myself into anemia (you win 10 internets if you get that reference!) so I’ll leave you with this pretty genius commercial from Friskies that I have no ties to whatsoever, other than a love for creative advertising:

Peace oot.

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