I am so tired and PMSing bit tonight is going to be awesome because it’s The Walking Dead finale and the Game of Thrones premiere. Last night was Doctor Who’s premiere and honestly? I thought it kinda sucked and it didn’t endear me toward Clara in the slightest. We didn’t get to watch it until I was finished work at 11pm so I saw a few tweets from friends who said they really liked Clara based on this episode so I was expecting to be blown away and I just wasn’t. Then again, I didn’t like Amy in the beginning either so I’m probably not the best judge of companions. Then AGAIN, I loved Donna immediately and she’s my favourite so…I guess we’ll see.
Friday was….stressful and wonderful all at the same time.
As most of you know, on Friday we had Easter dinner with my mom, her boyfriend John, his son Chris, my grama and my Aunt Betty (my grama’s sister). This would be the first time I’d be seeing my grama or my Aunt Betty in 7 years. I was REALLY nervous about it so I took 3 clonazepams before we got there and my mom asked us to be there an hour or two early so she could “prepare” me for what was probably going to happen.
She told me to be prepared that my grama’s hair had started falling out because of the radiation but that it was still mostly a full head of hair “by anyone’s standards” and that she looked old and frail compared to the last time I saw her. I was mostly prepared for her to look older because we’ve driven past her house before when she was outside and saw for myself that she looked older but my mom said that she was using a walker now, which I wasn’t expecting.
I forget what time we got there, I think around 1:30pm or 2pm and my grama was expected to be there between 3pm and 4pm.
Before I go any further, here are some pictures of Blake and John being dumb. They’re out of focus because I had like, 30 seconds to get the camera and take the pictures before the moment was over:
This is what Blake was threatening to hit him with.
It used to hang in my grama’s kitchen:
At about 2:30pm I started freaking the fuck out and had a small panic attack. I was afraid my grama was going to be mean to me. Rick, my caseworker, said that when I saw her if she was mean to me, I didn’t have to take her abuse and that I should leave but that’s when she was in the hospital and leaving would have been as simple as walking out the door. Leaving my mom’s on Friday would have been a lot more complicated. Getting Madison out the door with her crutches alone would take like, 15 minutes. (I forgot to make a post about that: Madison fractured a bone in her foot when she fell off a snow hill on Monday. It’s splinted right now and on Tuesday we go back to the hospital for another x-ray and a walking cast.) I just didn’t know what to do when they got there. My mom said to give my grama a hug and I said I didn’t know if I could do that.
Anyway, my mom said not to expect any heartfelt confessions or anything like that (which I wasn’t) because my grama just wasn’t doing that kind of thing. In fact, my grama, she said, is convinced that she’s going to fight the cancer and win. My mom said that mostly everyone is angry about the cancer. My grama just retired and the same week the oncologist had to take away her driver’s licence, my grama’s passport came in the mail. That’s fucking bullshit and completely unfair.
At around 3pm my Aunt Betty pulled into the driveway and I watched out the window as she helped my grama out of the car and got her set up with the walker. They came in the back door so they had some stairs to go up (well, there would have been stairs no matter which door they went to) and then my grama came into the kitchen where I was standing. She held her arms out toward me for a hug and we both started crying and she said, “Don’t you worry, grama’s okay, grama’s going to fight this” and that just about killed me. The cancer is already in her brain. It’s in her lungs. It’s likely in her liver and I know that once it’s in the liver, you’re pretty much fucked.
But I guess she has to say that. What else is she going to say? She’s never taken anything laying down so this shouldn’t be any different, no matter how hopeless it is. She underwent a week’s worth of radiation the week before last and I think (?) as a result her face looked ruddy, almost like a sunburn. And she did look a lot older than I was expecting. And small. Frail. Sick.
My Aunt Betty got my grama set up in the living room so Blake, me and I think John sat in the living room with her, while Madison and my Aunt Betty sat at “the kids table” in the dining room which opens into the living room so they were basically in the same room as us. I don’t even know what all we talked about. Mostly Blake and my grama talked about Blake’s job, Madison’s foot and when I was sick. Just catching up. Everything is such a blur and it all happened so fast that I honestly have no idea what else was discussed. We didn’t talk about her being sick, except she did say she was going to be shaving her head next week and that it was “going to grow back red and curly”. (Which is her natural hair type, before she went grey.)
Then dinner was ready so we ate (ham, scalloped potatoes, carrots, corn) and made more small talk and then we had dessert (my Aunt Betty and grama had brought a blueberry pie, which I don’t like so I didn’t have any) and then my grama looked at the pictures I’d had printed for my mom for Xmas and both my grama and Aunt Betty complimented me on my photographic skills. My grama liked my dogs and enjoyed seeing the pics of Madison’s graduation. My Aunt Betty thanked me for the picture of the sap droplet. My grama said she loved the flowers I sent and the card and she said that my paintings were beautiful.
Then my grama and Aunt Betty left and we hung around my mom’s for a while afterward, talking about the house down the street from them that’s still for sale because the lady who owned it killed herself in the living room and real estate agents don’t like to show it because of that and because it’s listed privately. Blake e-mailed my mom’s realtor on Saturday morning and asked her if she’d show it to us sometime soon.
And that was the end of the day. I was pretty upset on the way home about everything. I mean, it was a good day, it was as if my grama and I had never had a falling out at all, it was all just water under the bridge, but in a way that sort of made everything just a little more sad. I was still pretty upset Saturday morning and cried all the way through breakfast. In public. :o/
So that’s that. I’m still trying to process it all and it was a good day. And there’s still time to have more good days, which I already intend to have with her.
These are the flowers she brought me:
Saturday I had to work, so screw Saturday, Saturday sucked.
Today I worked on my shadowbox and we watched the movie Saved! this morning, y’know, in honour of Jesus, and then we watched Battlestar Galactica, which we’re starting from the beginning again because it’s so damn good and then we hid geocaches in preparation of the Elmvale geocaching breakfast event in a couple of weeks which sort of “opens” the geocaching season. We hid 4 of them and we saw wild turkeys. I brought the camera with me but not my zoom and they were too far away to get decent pictures of. Here’s Wes and Blake though:
Here’s the new bag Blake got me at the mall on Thursday:
And here’s what it looks like with the top flap open:
And here’s my kickass shadowbox so far:
The red tape isn’t staying, it’s just there so I didn’t get paint on the glass.
When I was gluing the LEDs into the holes, I twisted a wire the wrong way so there’s one light that will only stay on if taped a certain way so I’ll never be able to sell this thing once I get it finished, but I’m not sure I’m going to want to anyway. I bought a second shadowbox so if this one works out the way I want it to, I can make another one; the only issue I’m going to run into is buying lights when it’s not Xmas but they may have them at Michael’s or possibly even Wal*Mart or Crappy Tire.
Anyway, I think it’s going to look cool when it’s finished, pending I don’t royally fuck it up.
And that’s all I got. Happy Easter!