January 29, 2013

Purple Haze

This morning I worked. It’s starting to get lighter out earlier (thank god) and today was weird in that, the sunrise made everything purple. For a moment, the whole world was purple. You couldn’t see the sun, but the light changed and made the sky, the snow, the slush, it was all purple. So I grabbed the camera.  The only editing I did to these pics was cropping out some of the ugly, dirty snow:

No, my white balance wasn’t off or anything, this was honest to god what it was like outside this morning, this is what I saw with my own eyeballs. Neither kid was awake so I have no proof other than these pictures and it only lasted maybe 10 minutes before it all turned grey. How weird is that, though? I wonder why that happened? Mysteries!

Last night we skipped yoga and went to Fran’s for meat and tequila. And we talked about the fact that I am a self loathing piece of crap with no confidence who talks herself out of everything. Or at least that was the gist of the conversation. I have some things that I’d really like to do and that I’d really like to complete but I convince myself that I’m a hack at pretty much everything I do (except painting, I think I do what I do well, I’ll give myself that; but there’s no future there and I’m really just a one-trick pony).  I get excited about an idea and then I put it down and come back to it and suddenly it’s a shitty idea and I hate myself for never having any good ones that stick. I realize I’m being a little vague but I’m so fucking damaged that sometimes…a lot of times…just talking about a good idea is satisfying enough for me so I never actually work on the idea and complete it so I’ve really been trying over the years to not do that. The fact is, I have two pieces of writing that I’m semi-working on right now. One is about half finished and at first it seemed like a pretty genius story because it’s one that’s never really been told before, I don’t think and one that’s just kind of the idea of an idea, really. A gold piece of sand. May not amount to anything, may be a gold rush. I just don’t know. But already I’ve convinced myself that both of them are crap and therefore I’m crap and I’m doomed to be creatively frustrated for the rest of my life. It’s like being sexually frustrated but WAY WORSE. I wish I had the words to convey how terrible this feeling is for me, but I’m a hack so I don’t. (Whoa, deja vu.) There’s nothing worse than a good idea wasted.

Making matters worse is this whole Guild of Artists and Artisans thing. The guy who runs it e-mailed me on Friday with all the pictures they need and I have to write myself a bio and so far I’ve edited the pics as necessary but hell if I can write a bio. Especially a short one. I hate writing about my paintings. Other than sex, it’s probably my least favourite topic. And then next Thursday is the first meeting and seeing as I’m the new member, people are maybe going to want to meet me and talk to me and I just don’t know if I can deal. Joining this thing was probably a really bad idea and a complete waste of money, which I just don’t have to waste. Not that anyone does, but without going into details, I’m really up Shit Creek financially right now.  Feel free to buy a painting.

Anyway, I’m completely terrified of next Thursday because in the afternoon I have to do CBT and maybe go there in a taxi and then I have to go to the guild meeting. On the plus side, Community starts again Thursday night but I’ll probably have to record it which won’t help their ratings so I’m just contributing to them inching closer to being cancelled.

I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

Friday I have to go see Rick and I’m going to sit in his office and cry about all of this and I don’t even know what he’s going to say. I haven’t done anything “brave” since I saw him last so there’s nothing but depression, fear, anxiety and self-loathing to report.

So this post isn’t completely negative, here’s an awesome story about middle-aged men playing a wicked game of tag. I’m out.


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  1. Belinda says:

    Just do it. You’ll feel better after you start going. You usually do.

  2. scutterman says:

    I know what you mean about creativity. I have dropped more ideas and projects than I can even remember, I have a book I’m writing with a friend that I haven’t even done chapter one for, another idea for a book that I can’t get out of my head, and dozens of ideas for games I need to make. I figure anything important I’ll get done, even if it is slowly, and anything else tends to get dropped in about a month.

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