January 24, 2013

Drive Boy Dog Boy Dirty Numb Angel Boy

Today is Madison’s first exam – math – and afterward all her friends are coming back to our house to “chill” until it’s time for them all to catch their buses at 3:30pm. Apparently they’re going to watch Les Miserables which Madison and her friend Emily are now obsessed with. The awkward thing is that apparently Madison’s ex boyfriend “Keegan” (who we didn’t like) and her new boyfriend (who isn’t really new at all, they’ve been on and off again since last year and we mostly like even though he really pissed me off by texting my phone a million times looking for Madison while I was in the hospital this summer) are going to be here so that’s going to apparently happen. Madison said a minimum of 3 kids will be here to a maximum of 6. Joy. And to top it off, I have a work meeting via Skype this afternoon so I’m going to have to mute myself because I don’t trust them to STFU and not sing crappy Les Mis songs. I have my own office though, and they’ll be in the living room and I can close the door so it won’t be so bad. I’m still going to mute myself though because god only knows…

…and this is just day 1 of exams. There’s tomorrow and all next week too and Madison’s the only one of her group who lives in town, so our house is where all these kids are gonna flop until their buses come. Which is fine, I’m not complaining, I just think it’s going to be….interesting. I hope they share their weed. Just kidding!

Monday was a good day. I painted all day and watched Californication and then yoga was cancelled (w00t w00t) so we watched the season premiere of Californication and the newest episode of Girls. Here’s what I was working on:

Pardon the shitty iPod picture, I was too lazy to get the big camera and edit pics etc etc etc and I can just upload to Twitter/Tumblr/Facebook straight from the iPod so that’s what I did. This is what they look like right now after working on them all day yesterday:

Their background is going to be a little bit different than my regular backgrounds but I’m not sure you’ll be able to tell the difference from seeing pics. The gist will be the same in that it’ll be a crackled/splattered/glittered background, but it’s going to have 3 different gradients. Or at least that’s my intent. There’s going to be green at the bottom, then a yellow gold in the middle and metallic orange at the top, then between and beside the two girls, are going to be these neat paper sunflowers I found at Michael’s. They’re Martha Stewart, which makes me not want to use them, but I’m going to anyway because I think it’ll look cool. So that’s what I did Monday-yesterday.

The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. On Tuesday morning I had a dream about these two characters and I woke up with this in my head:

My brother’s name is Miracle. Our mother named me Petunia Alexander. Outwardly we both pretended to hate her for these names but secretly, together, we loved her for them as we sat through classes with all the Jasons and Jennifers, marveling privately to ourselves at the banality of it all.

But then I got so excited about the prospect of these two characters and the painting I was working on that I got scared I was manic, which always sends me into depression. And this time it kinda stuck, so I pretty much scrapped the whole writing idea and blocked it out of my mind. Now I simply don’t want to do it. I was so bummed out on Tuesday that I took my meds at 6:30pm and went to bed at 7. Then I woke up at about 1am and got a drink and while I drank my drink, I checked Facebook. Where I found this, from my brother, whom I had poked on Facebook on Monday:

U poked me I don’t use fb if u want to talk call me i hate mother cause all she can do is email me. U have my number use it if u would like to talk to me don’t be like her

 I thought an email was the most non carring thing a person can do. Then I get poked lol take cox out of ur name ur a Crittenden for sure

Now, if the whole “Cox” thing is confusing I’ll explain: My brother’s father’s last name is Cox and that’s what i used myself until I was 18 and had to apply for a new healthcard. They told me that because my step-dad hadn’t legally adopted me, I’d been “living under an assumed name” and I’d have to use the name that was on my birth certificate, which was my mom’s last name, Crittenden. On Facebook I use both because there are childhood friends who only know me as “Sarah Cox” so when they see “Sunny Crittenden”, they get confused.

Anyway, he upset me greatly, so I wrote this back:

You told me months ago that if I wanted to talk to you that I should message you here because you said it went straight to your phone and you’d get it right away.

“call me text me fb me . All goes to me phone. email_address@hotmail.com” <— That is what you said. And I don’t use the phone to talk to anyone but Blake. I don’t even call our mother. I’m mentally ill, remember?

I hadn’t heard from you for a while so I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Why all the hostility? I never did anything wrong and don’t forget that you were the one who contacted me here first. And I put Cox in my name because that’s what I used for over half my life and that’s what a lot of people know me as. It has nothing to do with who my parents are or were and you don’t get to give me permission to use it.

Anyway, I don’t want to fight. I just wanted to see how you were since you never messaged me back after the last time we talked. How are you? Did you ever hear from Chris or Michelle? How was your Xmas? I saw that in Nov. you changed your relationship status to “in a relationship”, is that a new girlfriend or the same one as before?

At Xmas I was going to ask for your mailing address to send you a card and pics of the kids that I had printed but I figured you probably wouldn’t give it to me. The offer of pics still stands though, if you wanted me to mail you some.

Okay I just got up to get a drink, gonna go back to bed now. I love you and I hope everything’s okay wherever you are.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I was so nice to him. I probably shouldn’t have been. Blake says that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make my brother not be a hate machine and that I need to stop trying because I just get hurt every single time. He’s probably right. I just can’t help but think that deep inside my brother there’s a good person. Unfortunately the reality is that he sees me as an extension of my mother, who he hates, so he’s never going to be decent to me. I’ve decided that if he a) doesn’t reply by the end of the week (so tomorrow) and b) isn’t nice when he does, I’m going to delete him and block him and that’ll be the end of things. Enough is enough. I was already super depressed and his message hit a nerve and pinged me so hard that I didn’t stop crying until this morning when I decided I wasn’t going to cry over him anymore. Sometimes you just have to give up on people, especially when they’re nothing but mean to you the whole time.

So yesterday was pretty rough. I worked on my girls, above, and started watching Breaking Bad and then I just laid on the couch and watched TV until bedtime pretty much. Blake and I went to Alma’s for dinner but I was too upset to eat. Afterward we went to the grocery store and got ice cream and I sat on the couch (which I basically never do) with the quilt I’ve had since I was a kid and a pillow and I ate ice cream out of the tub while we watched Breaking Bad and then when I was done eating ice cream, I put it away and Blake gave me a massage for an hour. And then I woke up this morning with the sun shining and feeling fine.

The plan for today, besides my work meeting, are to work on my painting and to watch more of Breaking Bad, which, by the way, I like, but I don’t think it’s super fantastic like a lot of people do but then again I’m only on like, episode 3 or 4 of season 2. Netflix has 4 seasons and apparently I can get the beginning of season 5 on the Pirate Bay and the 2nd half of the season starts in July (as one helpful person on Get Glue told me yesterday).  Anyway, it’s something to watch while I paint. I haven’t checked yet but I’m hoping Sons of Anarchy is on Netflix too because I have a lot of friends who are obsessed with that show too.

I’ve been a little bit sick the last couple of weeks. Not like, full blown flu or anything, but just this obnoxious runny nose that wasn’t made better by the last two days of crying. So keep that in mind when I show you me today:

I’m posting these pics so you can see my white roots haha The bleach I used got the pink to like, a cotton candy pink, as you can see, with white streaks, but didn’t get rid of it altogether. I started using Big shampoo by Lush again because I decided my hair wasn’t damaged enough. I had been using like, Pantene or something like that, but when I use commercial shampoos and conditioners my hair gets too silky and slippery and I feel like I have to wash it twice as often. Plus I just like my hair to have more texture because I can do more with it. Big is 50% sea salt so it makes my hair wavy and it dried it out so I don’t have to wash it as often and it gives my hair lots of texture. I just ordered Lush’s new Big solid conditioner and their sea salt texturizing spray so we’ll see how that stuff works. Both are brand new and I’ve never tried them so…I also got their new Shine So Bright hair balm to deal with the inevitable split ends from all that sea salt. Seems counter-intuitive, I know. Also in the order is good ol’ Coalface and The Kiss lip balm. The order should be here today or tomorrow. I also wanted to try their new conditioner called Happy Happy Joy Joy but it’s $40 a bottle so I went with Big instead. Currently I use Veganese and I like it a lot but wanted to try Big since it sort of went with the shampoo.

Anyway, you probably don’t even care.

That’s pretty much all I have to say. Does anyone have any idea why I can’t post animated gifs to Tumblr? I have TONS of them that I want to post but when I do post them they’re there but not animated. What am I doing wrong? Someone said they had to be under 500mb and they are so I dunno what the deal is. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Peace oot, homies.

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