January 12, 2013

I Will Shiver the Whole Night Through

Blake’s not up yet and I’m not sure if we’re going out for breakfast today like we usually do because I dropped a LOT of money yesterday on his birthday and I’m not sure I can afford breakfast today.

Blake turned 39 yesterday and we started the day by me accidentally waking him up early by my trying to go back to sleep after work and failing, then we went to 50s & 60s Diner with Wes, who was home from school due to a teacher protest (ugh). Blake and I had their version of an Egg McMuffin, which was good but not as good as usual and Wes had banana pancakes.

Then we went to Barrie to get the windshield fixed because it has two chips in it but the guy said they were too small to even bother fixing and that they wouldn’t crack any further. Then we went to these fancy shoe stores because Blake has something wrong with his feet that I forget the name of but it’s something like “fasciitis” so he needs special orthopedic shoes so his feet won’t hurt all the time but all the ones we saw were ugly or expensive so we didn’t buy any.

While Blake went to the last shoe store, I went to Curry’s because it was in the same plaza and I bought more palette paper because I’m almost out, two really nice (and expensive for what they were) gel pens and this paper that’s endorsed by Eric Carle who wrote The Very Hungry Caterpillar (among others). This paper is a lot thinner than watercolour paper but promises to hold wet media without crinkling which is what I need for button making. It was only $2.99 so I thought I’d try it out. For my girls I use watercolour paper but I think that’ll be too thick for button making, which is why I was looking for thinner paper to begin with. I guess we’ll see how it goes.

After Curry’s and shoes, Blake and I went to the Bayfield Mall to see Django: Unchained, which was really good but the popcorn made me feel like vomiting they put so much butter on it and it made Blake feel sick too so when we walked into our house and it smelled like cake, I thought I was going to die. (Madison made Blake a birthday cake with the ingredients I bought when I did groceries earlier in the week.) About an hour or two after we got home, I *did* throw up and the butter from the popcorn like, floated in small golden balls in top of the toilet water. So gross, but I felt better afterward and ended up eating a small TV dinner and some ice cream while we watched Twin Peaks and then around 10pm, I went to bed. I told Blake to keep watching Twin Peaks because I’ve seen the whole thing and I want him to see the whole thing so we can finally watch the movie. I’m wondering if he’s going to be upset with the final episode like I was. I cried for about 45 minutes after it ended it upset me so much. They basically ruined the whole fucking series with that episode and I’ve heard the movie is a big ol’ “fuck you” to the fans as well, so I guess we’ll see.

Last night on Facebook I was sort of counselling two people. One of my friends recently had a laparoscopy and uterine ablation where they not only found and removed endometriosis but they also found that she had adenomyosis which is when they find glandular tissue in the muscle of the uterus which causes extremely painful periods and the only cure is hysterectomy, which is a hard thing for any woman, especially one who’s only in her early 30s. I told her that if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t even question it, I’d rip that fucker out. It’s not like endo where hysterectomy “may” cure the disease (but more often than not it doesn’t), in this case hysterectomy WILL cure the problem so I say rip ‘er. But like I said, it’s a totally hard thing and I suggested she see a grief counselor because that’s essentially what she’ll be going through after it’s all over.

Then another friend was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and she posted a picture of her pill bottles and said that it’s a hard thing to get used to, the dependency on drugs for the rest of your life, and obviously I’ve been there so I started in with my diabetes comparisons etc. It kinda pissed me ¬†off when her sister said “it’s not forever” because um, hello, yes it IS and that’s exactly what my friend was trying to wrap her head around. It sucks that the patient has to always educate everyone else around them. I don’t know if it’s like that with other illnesses or diseases but that seems to be the case with mental illness, or at least that’s been my experience. And then there’s the denial that your family goes through too. My biological father is still going through this, as is his wife. She said to me, “I don’t think you’re bi-POL-ER,” and rolled her eyes when I was first diagnosed like she was some kind of expert in both mental illness and ME, which she is not nor has even been nor will ever be. My mom was more accepting of it because she’s been through it with me my whole life (without a diagnosis) and after I was diagnosed and we read up on what being bipolar meant, everything just clicked that yes, I’ve been experiencing this my entire life. It still took her a while to understand the gravity of the situation though, particularly when I was psychotic and she thought I was “pulling something”.

I just wanted to give my friend some hope that it wouldn’t always be this hard, that pretty soon taking medication every day is just routine and that eventually you’ll start to feel normal. Or at least partially normal.

And speaking of mental illness, I mentioned that I’ll be starting cognitive behavioural therapy in February, which should be interesting. The group is made up of 12 people and the course uses the book Mind Over Mood, which I have. The lady on the phone told me to read the chapter on anxiety. Theoretically they’re going to be sending a cab for me to come get me there and back but we’re going to have to work up to that being okay. The first time or two Blake is going to have to come with me in the cab but ideally after that I should be able to get there by myself. In theory. If I can’t do it then Blake’s going to have to drive me. I’ve already told my boss about this so we can’t schedule any meetings on Thursdays until this class is over or if we do schedule any Thursday meetings, I won’t be able to come and I’ll have to rely on the meeting notes to catch up, which she said was fine. She said we may need to do weekend meetings to compensate, which I’m really hoping isn’t the case because my Saturdays are extremely busy as it is and pausing for an hour or two for a meeting will create a backlog of e-mails that’ll take me forever to climb out of. So I guess we’ll see.

Now Blake’s up so I think we will go out for breakfast since I’m pretty hungry and I don’t really have anything else to say.

Oh! Yes I do! My cards are here from Zazzle and they look REALLY good. The mugs didn’t look very good at all so I removed them from my shop, but the cards look amazing so feel free to buy some! Especially this one since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! (Also available as a postcard AND you can even get matching US postage!) I’m still waiting on the stickers and buttons, which should be here today, but I’m assuming that since the cards turned out so well, those should as well. I also have it on good authority that the iPhone cases look really nice as evidenced by the fact that I’m selling more of those than anything else to repeat customers, so check ’em out!

And NOW I’m going to go for breakfast! Peace oot!

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