Yesterday was a big day, best summed up by last night’s Facebook status update and some gifs that illustrate how I feel about the person/situation because even if I posted their e-mails, I’d have to also post 7,000 words of an unfinished piece of fiction I wrote to explain what transpired and while I’m confident you’d see my side pretty clearly, that would just screw over my creative process in the long run. Here’s what I posted on Facebook last night:
“Someone who insults me on a personal level, an intellectual level, a creative level and obviously doesn’t respect me (all in one e-mail!) is not my friend. Good riddance. I was sick of putting up with their shit anyway. Also? When the first thing *I* do when you tell me where you’re vacationing is Google “(place) sex trade” obviously I wasn’t your friend anymore either. Now we’re both free of our mutually low opinions of one another.“
This was my face after the person’s initial e-mail, as described in the above quote, where in reply all I really, calmly and concisely said was that they’d insulted me:
This is literally what I said to them after their SECOND e-mail because it was so ridiculous and I was just so done dealing with them on every conceivable level:
Their second e-mail started with “I’m sorry. But…” and then they actuallyargued that their insults, judgments, assumptions and “advice” (where they literally suggested I go to CHURCH to “learn something”) were justified.
I honestly have no idea what reaction they expected, I cannot even fathom it, truly, but I was about 98% sure at that point I would be cutting them out of my life completely.
Their third e-mail said I was overreacting.
By saying “please stop talking,” I was “taking this way to [sic] hard“.
I talked the situation over with Madison when she came home from school and after explaining the whole thing to her and reading her the e-mails out loud, she said she didn’t care if we were friends with them anymore especially in light of the fact that this person had become such a nuisance to her on Facebook recently that she had to keep her chat off because she couldn’t chat with her friends – y’know, other 14 year olds – uninterrupted.
This pretty much sums up Madison’s feelings on the subject…
However she encouraged me to wait until Blake got home because defriending someone permanently is srs bsns and she didn’t want to be the deciding factor.
Truthfully, we’ve been talking about ditching this friend as a family for a while now with Blake definitely thinking we should because it was pretty obvious that this person didn’t want to be friends with him (who at Xmas sent this person 3 pieces of art, 2 from Etsy and one of his own printed photographs and never even got an e-mail to say thank you – for example), never thought about Wes unless I got pissed off and called them on it and it became fairly obvious that this friend wasn’t really a friend to our whole family unit, which, as a “family friend” is fairly important. That just wasn’t cool.
This has been Blake’s attitude for a while now…
…but because I (stupidly) thought this person would eventually stop being such a constant know-it-all cunt to me when it was clear that they upset me all the time…
…and because I didn’t want to think bad things about someone I considered a friend, I kept making excuses for them and waiting for things to get better.
Obviously that didn’t happen, obviously things just got worse with this person thinking they could underestimate and disrespect me all the time.
So fuck ’em.
When Blake got home I explained what had happened and read him the e-mails and I knew what his answer would be so I actually already had this person’s Live Journal and Facebook page open on my computer screen, ready to defriend them at a moment’s notice.
Blake said “go for it”.
So I did it. As did Madison and then Blake.
A little while later, I actually got an e-mail from this person, which surprised me because I was fairly sure they wouldn’t care and this is what they said, word for word, because it takes no explanation:
“Sorry it had to end like this Sunny. Have a good life.“
This morning I worked. It’s starting to get lighter out earlier (thank god) and today was weird in that, the sunrise made everything purple. For a moment, the whole world was purple. You couldn’t see the sun, but the light changed and made the sky, the snow, the slush, it was all purple. So I grabbed the camera. The only editing I did to these pics was cropping out some of the ugly, dirty snow:
No, my white balance wasn’t off or anything, this was honest to god what it was like outside this morning, this is what I saw with my own eyeballs. Neither kid was awake so I have no proof other than these pictures and it only lasted maybe 10 minutes before it all turned grey. How weird is that, though? I wonder why that happened? Mysteries!
Last night we skipped yoga and went to Fran’s for meat and tequila. And we talked about the fact that I am a self loathing piece of crap with no confidence who talks herself out of everything. Or at least that was the gist of the conversation. I have some things that I’d really like to do and that I’d really like to complete but I convince myself that I’m a hack at pretty much everything I do (except painting, I think I do what I do well, I’ll give myself that; but there’s no future there and I’m really just a one-trick pony). I get excited about an idea and then I put it down and come back to it and suddenly it’s a shitty idea and I hate myself for never having any good ones that stick. I realize I’m being a little vague but I’m so fucking damaged that sometimes…a lot of times…just talking about a good idea is satisfying enough for me so I never actually work on the idea and complete it so I’ve really been trying over the years to not do that. The fact is, I have two pieces of writing that I’m semi-working on right now. One is about half finished and at first it seemed like a pretty genius story because it’s one that’s never really been told before, I don’t think and one that’s just kind of the idea of an idea, really. A gold piece of sand. May not amount to anything, may be a gold rush. I just don’t know. But already I’ve convinced myself that both of them are crap and therefore I’m crap and I’m doomed to be creatively frustrated for the rest of my life. It’s like being sexually frustrated but WAY WORSE. I wish I had the words to convey how terrible this feeling is for me, but I’m a hack so I don’t. (Whoa, deja vu.) There’s nothing worse than a good idea wasted.
Making matters worse is this whole Guild of Artists and Artisans thing. The guy who runs it e-mailed me on Friday with all the pictures they need and I have to write myself a bio and so far I’ve edited the pics as necessary but hell if I can write a bio. Especially a short one. I hate writing about my paintings. Other than sex, it’s probably my least favourite topic. And then next Thursday is the first meeting and seeing as I’m the new member, people are maybe going to want to meet me and talk to me and I just don’t know if I can deal. Joining this thing was probably a really bad idea and a complete waste of money, which I just don’t have to waste. Not that anyone does, but without going into details, I’m really up Shit Creek financially right now. Feel free to buy a painting.
Anyway, I’m completely terrified of next Thursday because in the afternoon I have to do CBT and maybe go there in a taxi and then I have to go to the guild meeting. On the plus side, Community starts again Thursday night but I’ll probably have to record it which won’t help their ratings so I’m just contributing to them inching closer to being cancelled.
I am a ray of fucking sunshine.
Friday I have to go see Rick and I’m going to sit in his office and cry about all of this and I don’t even know what he’s going to say. I haven’t done anything “brave” since I saw him last so there’s nothing but depression, fear, anxiety and self-loathing to report.
I LOVE SUNDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have zero responsibility and can do whatever the fuck I want on Sundays and that RULES! Yesterday at work was brutal…I can’t get into details because I’m sure my bosses wouldn’t like that but basically one of our payment processors was messing up so there was pretty literally twice the volume of e-mail to deal with from 5pm until I don’t even know when (the end of my shift was 11pm and it was still ongoing at that point) and there was nothing I could do about it because I don’t have access to the parts of the site that would be necessary to deal with it. (That’s the bosses’ job.) Ugh, Saturdays are the worst.
I also saw a camgirl do something that will probably scar me for life, so I don’t really want to talk about it. It was pretty gross though, trust me. I mean, I was a regular member of the Stile Project Forum for like, 10 years, I’ve seen a lot of gross things, but never live like this was. *shudder* If you were on Twitter last night and you follow me, you know what I’m talking about…
I totally forgot to mention this in my last post but I had a really awesome experience with a company and I think I should tell you about it.
I’ve been using DecoArt’s Triple Thick Gloss Glaze since approximately 2008. It’s a super thick varnish and it’s how I get my glitter girls to sparkle and shine. It’s an excellent product and it’s absolutely integral to my creative process but the last two jars of it I got were messed up, they were extremely thick, like glue and you couldn’t really brush it on properly because it was so thick. I used it on my “Snow Fairy” painting and it caused her face to wrinkle a little bit (you wouldn’t notice this, but I did) because she’s made of watercolour paper. She wrinkled like when you make paper too wet. I thought it was messed up so I threw out that jar and opened a new one but the new one was the same consistency. I tried it anyway on my sketchbook thinking this was maybe their new formula or something but the new jar made my paper sketchbook girl wrinkle too. Look at her hair:
I buy Triple Thick in multiples every time I’m at Michael’s because I’m paranoid DecoArt is going to discontinue it on me because they did that with certain metallic colours on me a few years ago (for example, the blue in the girl’s eyes above is discontinued and I just happen to have about 2/3 of a bottle still) so I had 2 other jars on hand + the one that was messed up. I turned the other (brand new, unopened) 2 jars on their sides and they were definitely more liquid than the one I used on my sketchbook. So I decided to contact DecoArt to see what was up because if this was a new formula, I’d have to find another product to use and if it was just a messed up batch, then I wanted to know that too.
So I e-mailed them and explained my situation and Sarah from the company e-mailed me back pretty much immediately and asked me to tell her the batch code on the jar and explained how to find it. The batch code on the jar was different than she described, so I took a picture of it with my iPod and sent it to her. The batch code was “5209” and she explained in her next e-mail that that meant the jar was from 2005! I’d purchased it at Michael’s in the spring! So she said she would be sending me 2 new jars and asked for my address and I asked her where I could buy 8oz jars of the stuff aside from Michael’s because she also said that they’ve had issues with Michael’s selling old product before. One of the companies I deal with, Stockade, only sells the 4oz jars and I definitely need 8oz ones because I use about 1/3 of a jar on each painting. Anyway, she told me that the only other place in Canada that sells the 8oz jars is a place in Quebec but that they do mail order so I guess I’ll be getting it from them from now on.
I just thought it was a really good exchange and I thought it was really nice of them to replace the 2 bad jars I bought. They haven’t come yet but I’m pretty confident they will, DecoArt’s good like that.
Today’s a sunshiney day so when I woke up, I asked Blake if he would come with me and Wes across the road to the park with the dogs because I can’t control them both on my own and I wanted to take pictures, but his feet are still all fucked up and his doctor-ordered shoes to heal them are sandals and there’s a foot of snow at the park so he just couldn’t. I decided that Wes and I could handle Lucky so we leashed him up and went across the road to take pictures. Behold!
The sun was hurting his eyes.
Lucky smelled something in the snow and was sniff sniff sniffing.
Lucky heard the snowmobiles on the trail and got very concerned.
So that’s what we did this morning. Now I think I’m going to work on a new painting while my other canvas dries (the one for the golden girls), maybe the one with peacock feathers and watch Breaking Bad which is on Netflix (I’m just starting season 3). We also have Silver Linings Playbook to watch finally. I also have to get pictures together for the Springwater Guild of Artists and Artisans which I GOT INTO! They need pictures for their website and I’ve been procrastinating…I go to my first meeting on February 7th! Anyway, Blake just arrived with my lunch so I’m gonna go eat. Happy weekend!
Today is Madison’s first exam – math – and afterward all her friends are coming back to our house to “chill” until it’s time for them all to catch their buses at 3:30pm. Apparently they’re going to watch Les Miserables which Madison and her friend Emily are now obsessed with. The awkward thing is that apparently Madison’s ex boyfriend “Keegan” (who we didn’t like) and her new boyfriend (who isn’t really new at all, they’ve been on and off again since last year and we mostly like even though he really pissed me off by texting my phone a million times looking for Madison while I was in the hospital this summer) are going to be here so that’s going to apparently happen. Madison said a minimum of 3 kids will be here to a maximum of 6. Joy. And to top it off, I have a work meeting via Skype this afternoon so I’m going to have to mute myself because I don’t trust them to STFU and not sing crappy Les Mis songs. I have my own office though, and they’ll be in the living room and I can close the door so it won’t be so bad. I’m still going to mute myself though because god only knows…
…and this is just day 1 of exams. There’s tomorrow and all next week too and Madison’s the only one of her group who lives in town, so our house is where all these kids are gonna flop until their buses come. Which is fine, I’m not complaining, I just think it’s going to be….interesting. I hope they share their weed. Just kidding!
Monday was a good day. I painted all day and watched Californication and then yoga was cancelled (w00t w00t) so we watched the season premiere of Californication and the newest episode of Girls. Here’s what I was working on:
Pardon the shitty iPod picture, I was too lazy to get the big camera and edit pics etc etc etc and I can just upload to Twitter/Tumblr/Facebook straight from the iPod so that’s what I did. This is what they look like right now after working on them all day yesterday:
Their background is going to be a little bit different than my regular backgrounds but I’m not sure you’ll be able to tell the difference from seeing pics. The gist will be the same in that it’ll be a crackled/splattered/glittered background, but it’s going to have 3 different gradients. Or at least that’s my intent. There’s going to be green at the bottom, then a yellow gold in the middle and metallic orange at the top, then between and beside the two girls, are going to be these neat paper sunflowers I found at Michael’s. They’re Martha Stewart, which makes me not want to use them, but I’m going to anyway because I think it’ll look cool. So that’s what I did Monday-yesterday.
The last couple of days have been pretty rough for me. On Tuesday morning I had a dream about these two characters and I woke up with this in my head:
”My brother’s name is Miracle. Our mother named me Petunia Alexander. Outwardly we both pretended to hate her for these names but secretly, together, we loved her for them as we sat through classes with all the Jasons and Jennifers, marveling privately to ourselves at the banality of it all.”
But then I got so excited about the prospect of these two characters and the painting I was working on that I got scared I was manic, which always sends me into depression. And this time it kinda stuck, so I pretty much scrapped the whole writing idea and blocked it out of my mind. Now I simply don’t want to do it. I was so bummed out on Tuesday that I took my meds at 6:30pm and went to bed at 7. Then I woke up at about 1am and got a drink and while I drank my drink, I checked Facebook. Where I found this, from my brother, whom I had poked on Facebook on Monday:
“U poked me I don’t use fb if u want to talk call me i hate mother cause all she can do is email me. U have my number use it if u would like to talk to me don’t be like her
I thought an email was the most non carring thing a person can do. Then I get poked lol take cox out of ur name ur a Crittenden for sure“
Now, if the whole “Cox” thing is confusing I’ll explain: My brother’s father’s last name is Cox and that’s what i used myself until I was 18 and had to apply for a new healthcard. They told me that because my step-dad hadn’t legally adopted me, I’d been “living under an assumed name” and I’d have to use the name that was on my birth certificate, which was my mom’s last name, Crittenden. On Facebook I use both because there are childhood friends who only know me as “Sarah Cox” so when they see “Sunny Crittenden”, they get confused.
Anyway, he upset me greatly, so I wrote this back:
“You told me months ago that if I wanted to talk to you that I should message you here because you said it went straight to your phone and you’d get it right away.
“call me text me fb me . All goes to me phone. email@example.com” <— That is what you said. And I don’t use the phone to talk to anyone but Blake. I don’t even call our mother. I’m mentally ill, remember?
I hadn’t heard from you for a while so I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Why all the hostility? I never did anything wrong and don’t forget that you were the one who contacted me here first. And I put Cox in my name because that’s what I used for over half my life and that’s what a lot of people know me as. It has nothing to do with who my parents are or were and you don’t get to give me permission to use it.
Anyway, I don’t want to fight. I just wanted to see how you were since you never messaged me back after the last time we talked. How are you? Did you ever hear from Chris or Michelle? How was your Xmas? I saw that in Nov. you changed your relationship status to “in a relationship”, is that a new girlfriend or the same one as before?
At Xmas I was going to ask for your mailing address to send you a card and pics of the kids that I had printed but I figured you probably wouldn’t give it to me. The offer of pics still stands though, if you wanted me to mail you some.
Okay I just got up to get a drink, gonna go back to bed now. I love you and I hope everything’s okay wherever you are.“
Honestly, I don’t even know why I was so nice to him. I probably shouldn’t have been. Blake says that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make my brother not be a hate machine and that I need to stop trying because I just get hurt every single time. He’s probably right. I just can’t help but think that deep inside my brother there’s a good person. Unfortunately the reality is that he sees me as an extension of my mother, who he hates, so he’s never going to be decent to me. I’ve decided that if he a) doesn’t reply by the end of the week (so tomorrow) and b) isn’t nice when he does, I’m going to delete him and block him and that’ll be the end of things. Enough is enough. I was already super depressed and his message hit a nerve and pinged me so hard that I didn’t stop crying until this morning when I decided I wasn’t going to cry over him anymore. Sometimes you just have to give up on people, especially when they’re nothing but mean to you the whole time.
So yesterday was pretty rough. I worked on my girls, above, and started watching Breaking Bad and then I just laid on the couch and watched TV until bedtime pretty much. Blake and I went to Alma’s for dinner but I was too upset to eat. Afterward we went to the grocery store and got ice cream and I sat on the couch (which I basically never do) with the quilt I’ve had since I was a kid and a pillow and I ate ice cream out of the tub while we watched Breaking Bad and then when I was done eating ice cream, I put it away and Blake gave me a massage for an hour. And then I woke up this morning with the sun shining and feeling fine.
The plan for today, besides my work meeting, are to work on my painting and to watch more of Breaking Bad, which, by the way, I like, but I don’t think it’s super fantastic like a lot of people do but then again I’m only on like, episode 3 or 4 of season 2. Netflix has 4 seasons and apparently I can get the beginning of season 5 on the Pirate Bay and the 2nd half of the season starts in July (as one helpful person on Get Glue told me yesterday). Anyway, it’s something to watch while I paint. I haven’t checked yet but I’m hoping Sons of Anarchy is on Netflix too because I have a lot of friends who are obsessed with that show too.
I’ve been a little bit sick the last couple of weeks. Not like, full blown flu or anything, but just this obnoxious runny nose that wasn’t made better by the last two days of crying. So keep that in mind when I show you me today:
I’m posting these pics so you can see my white roots haha The bleach I used got the pink to like, a cotton candy pink, as you can see, with white streaks, but didn’t get rid of it altogether. I started using Big shampoo by Lush again because I decided my hair wasn’t damaged enough. I had been using like, Pantene or something like that, but when I use commercial shampoos and conditioners my hair gets too silky and slippery and I feel like I have to wash it twice as often. Plus I just like my hair to have more texture because I can do more with it. Big is 50% sea salt so it makes my hair wavy and it dried it out so I don’t have to wash it as often and it gives my hair lots of texture. I just ordered Lush’s new Big solid conditioner and their sea salt texturizing spray so we’ll see how that stuff works. Both are brand new and I’ve never tried them so…I also got their new Shine So Bright hair balm to deal with the inevitable split ends from all that sea salt. Seems counter-intuitive, I know. Also in the order is good ol’ Coalface and The Kiss lip balm. The order should be here today or tomorrow. I also wanted to try their new conditioner called Happy Happy Joy Joy but it’s $40 a bottle so I went with Big instead. Currently I use Veganese and I like it a lot but wanted to try Big since it sort of went with the shampoo.
Anyway, you probably don’t even care.
That’s pretty much all I have to say. Does anyone have any idea why I can’t post animated gifs to Tumblr? I have TONS of them that I want to post but when I do post them they’re there but not animated. What am I doing wrong? Someone said they had to be under 500mb and they are so I dunno what the deal is. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
I am such a rebel. It’s 11:39pm as I write this and that means it’s about 2 hours past my bedtime. This is because I have tomorrow off and can sleep all day if I so desire, so I’ve decided to stay up watching movies and making art. Right now I’m waiting for paint to dry, hence why I’m writing this blog post that probably isn’t going to go anywhere…
Today we had a crazy bunch of snowsqualls but Blake and I braved the storm anyway and went to Michael’s and Starbucks because we hadn’t been to either since JUNE. I know this because Foursquare told me so when I checked in. I didn’t really get anything too exciting at Michael’s, just some papers, some Martha Stewart flowers (for the painting I’m working on right now) and these rolls of sticky glittery ribbon that were on sale for $1.49 each. I got one with fleur de lis and one that was happy faces. I have no idea what I’d actually use them for but they were cheap and you never know when you may need glittery happy faces. OH and one of the papers I got was GLITTER LEOPARD PRINT. Blake thinks it’s hideous but Madison and I think it’s awesome.
The painting I’m working on right now is shades of gold and it has two girls on it that may or may not end up angels.
At Michael’s we saw GLITTER SHARPIES!!! But they were $19.99 for THREE OF THEM. Highway robbery. But man did I ever want them. There were also metallic Sharpies but they were the same price. I’m really curious to know how glitter Sharpies work though, glitter and felt tip don’t really jive so I’d really like t o know how the Sharpie ink flows out of the marker/pen. You couldn’t buy singles or I would have bought one.
On Friday I bleached my hair in an attempt to remove some of the pink dye because quite frankly, I’m getting a little sick of the pink. The bleach I got was Nutrisse and it was the most effective bleach I’ve ever experienced. My roots are WHITE and it removed some of the pink but not all of it and my hair actually looks like it was pulled through a cap and professionally streaked white. I think it looks really cool. I’d show you pics but I’m pretty sure it’s too subtle for the webcam to pick up. Maybe I’ll try tomorrow when it’s not so dark in here.
I came to a realization the other day. I’m fat. I’m not like, obese or anything, I’m about 10 lbs heavier than I probably should be and I carry that extra weight in my belly. But y’know what? I don’t fucking care. I’m not going to eat like a pig and do anything to gain weight but I’m not going to try and actively lose it either because I honest to god just do not give a fuck. As long as Blake still gets a boner when he sees me naked and my kids are cool with being seen in public with me, my self-esteem will remain intact. I’m doing yoga but that’s not to lose weight, it’s because it makes me feel good and because it makes my body stronger. After being sick for so long, yoga is exactly what I need. Anyway, life’s too fucking short to care about 10 extra lbs. (She says as she happily eats a ketchup chip.)
After we got back from Michael’s this afternoon, Blake and I started watching Girls, starting around episode 3. Like me, Blake had watched the first few episodes and couldn’t get into it but I convinced him that episode 5 would change his mind because *I* found that episode so goddamn funny that it was a complete game changer and it’s what made me decide to watch the complete series up to present. Long story short, he’s caught up and is now a convert and if you tried it and didn’t like it at first, I implore you to take a second look because once there’s a little more character development, the show’s absolutely brilliant. Oddly, I think Adam is the best part of a show about, well, girls.
On Saturday Blake got caught up on Twin Peaks while I worked and we tried to watch Fire Walk With Me but it was so horrible I made him stop so we could watch something else. We also watched Beasts of the Southern Wild and I thought it was okay. I thought the little girl in it was phenomenal and I’m totally rooting for her to win the Oscar, but overall I found the movie sorta “meh”.
Right now I’m half watching The Rum Diary but admittedly I haven’t really been paying attention and thus I’m sort of lost. before that I watched Drive because I’ll watch practically anything with Ryan Gosling in it but it was pretty horrendous and the soundtrack was absolutely terrible. Like bad 80s kinda terrible. Why Ryan would even do that movie is beyond me. But whatever, he’s perfection and I won’t complain too much about spending two hours looking at his lovely face.
On Thursday we all went to see Les Miserables which I thought was almost unbearably boring and the whole time I was watching it I was hoping it would end soon, but Blake really liked it and Madison’s completely obsessed with it now but Wes couldn’t have cared less and was probably hoping it would end soon too, while watching it so at least I wasn’t alone in my dislike. Really, I just went as an excuse to eat popcorn. Really expensive popcorn. I will say that Anne Hathaway was amazing though, but I’ve loved her for a long time and expected nothing less. I had no idea she could sing though, until I saw her on Saturday Night Live.
My phone is dying a slow and painful death. I got it a few years ago and while I love the design of it (it has a slide out qwerty keyboard), it can’t be upgraded to the current OS release, the battery life on it is getting worse and worse, it constantly logs me out of all my apps for no apparent reason (which really pissed me off today when we were at Michael’s and I loaded the Michael’s app so the cashier could scan the 25% off coupon that was on there but my stupid phone had logged me out of the app – EVEN THOUGH I HAD BEEN LOGGED IN ONLY MINUTES BEFORE – and I couldn’t remember the password so I couldn’t use the coupon) and it also changes my background wallpaper on me all the time. Plus it’s slow as hell and I swear it’s getting progressively worse and I just think it’s time to retire it. Unfortunately I can’t really afford a new phone right now, even if I had the option of signing a contract (which I don’t). Well, I could, but it would cost me a hell of a lot more than the phone would be worth in the long run and I still wouldn’t be able to afford the plan required to get the phone at a decent price. The one I want is the Samsung Galaxy Note II, which even at $700 is a good price I think considering I only upgrade my phone every 3-5 years. I also like that it’s physically bigger than my current phone because I can’t see for shit and it has this neat pen thing so you can write notes on it and draw on it like a tablet.
Anyway, if there’s such a thing as a fairy godmother, this is what I’m wishing for, but I’m not going to hold my breath because I think I’ve kind of exhausted my wishes as of late.
Okay, my paint’s dry so I’m going to go apply my 2nd layer, watch the end of this movie and then go to bed. I had more to say but it’s late and I’ve forgotten everything now so I guess I’ll just shut up and paint.
Second of all, I’ve decided to at least TRY this whole tumblr thing since I have one & all. Here is the link to it. When tumblr first came out, I was like “wtf is this?” and I’m still like “wtf is this?” but back then I registered my name on there in the paranoid state that if I didn’t, someone else would do it and make a tumblr making fun of me. Because yes, I think I’m really just that goddamn important. If you’re all “why the fuck is she even talking about tumblr?” it’s because I posted pretty literally everywhere but my site on opinions on tumblr and what it’s used for and links to everyone else’s tumblrs. So if you replied to one of my queries, thank you! I will probably follow you (unless you’re boring or your tumblr’s about sports other than hockey, in which case I’ll follow you and then get sick of you and quietly unfollow you…). So yeah, fuck yeah tumblr! As if I didn’t waste enough time online!
DAMMIT. I was so excited and had so much to write about but then I got distracted and started doing something else and now I’ve forgotten like, 80% of my blog content for the day. It’s Thursday, which is the best day of the week besides Sunday and Monday because I only work 2 hours on Thursdays which means I get to work, then sleep, then have an extra hour to do ANYTHING I WANT TO, which I spent looking at my friend Jax’s tumblr and reblogging like, half of her entire tumblr because at the time I only followed 3 people. Now I follow 21! Enough about tumblr though, today I made a new friend! His name is Michael and he’s a photographer in town. He saw my work at The Conservatory and I guess Rob gave him one of my cards or told him the URL to my site or whatnot because he e-mailed me to introduce himself and we’ve been messaging on Facebook for the last few hours. His site is pretty bare bones, which seems to be just how people are these days, everyone just has a Facebook page, so that’s what I’ll link you to. He does some HDR, which I find interesting considering Andre barely knew what HDR was and when I tried to show him examples, the files wouldn’t open due to some kind of copyright protection. Anyway, it looks like Michael mostly does photos of models or aspiring models and HDR landscapes. He recently won a local photography contest, which is pretty cool and he said I could ask him anything. He even offered to take me on some shoots so he could teach me some stuff. After I’ve got some CBT* under my belt and feel comfortable being around strange people, I think I just might take him up on that offer. School is looking less and less appealing as time goes on. I really have a hard time at work in the morning if I don’t go to bed by like, 9pm and classes would be over at 9:30 and then I’d have to drive 40 minutes home. In the dark. Probably in the cold. Probably in bad weather. It’s not that I’m scared, it’s just that I don’t want to do anything that would mess with my job in any way and – at least right now – I’m not good with anything high pressure and school for me, would probably be high pressure because as lazy as I am, I also over achieving perfectionist tendencies that could really mess with me in the wrong environment. School may be the wrong environment.
At the same time, I kinda don’t feel like I’d be qualified to call myself a “professional” photographer and charge people money without it. At what point do you get to call yourself a professional? I know it’s not the equipment and I’m told it’s not the schooling, so what is it? Experience? How much experience?
On Sunday I watched the Golden Globes, which isn’t really anything to write about I know, but Lena Dunham won two awards, one was for best actress I think and the other was either a writing or directing award, both for her series Girls. So I was like, “meh” because I watched the first episode of Girls when it first aired and just couldn’t bring myself to get into a show whose main character is a 24 year old, university educated woman who had been interning for the past 2 years since graduating and whose parents, who had been paying all her bills while she lived the high life in NYC, were finally cutting her off. I just can’t relate to a character like that. I have very little sympathy nor empathy for a character in that situation. But then on Monday night I read an article in Salon about how there’s all kinds of Lena Dunham hate happening all over the internet because she got a $3.6 million advance on her advice book, because she apparently comes from a well off, artistic, privileged family, because she’s unattractive and because she’s fat. Well. That got my attention. An underdog I *can* relate to, so on Tuesday morning, I started watching Girls from the very beginning with a fresh slate. It started slow and I was having a hard time liking any of the characters or even believing them but then episode 5 happened and I laughed my lady balls off and by then I was sold. Now I’m all caught up and I’m definitely down with Girls. This was the beginning of my perfect Tuesday.
So while I watched Girls, I played Sims. On my new computer, which is Alienware, which is to say that it’s a Dell box with a decent graphics card that happens to have an alien on the front whose eyes glow blue in the dark. So now I have my laptop for work (I use my laptop screen and another screen for that) and I have this Alienware box for gaming and editing photos, along with a 3TB external drive for storing photos. I’m pretty much set up. Anyway, I’ve been playing the same Sim, Charlie Moody, since the Supernatural expansion came out which I think was the end of spring or early summer. She’s a fairy with a pink and blonde pixie cut/fauxhawk and pink sparkly wings. She was actually based on Madison’s friend Eryn. She’s a professional alchemist and has a problem with potions in that she never sleeps but drinks “invigorating potions” to keep her energy level up. In other words, she’s addicted to Sims amphetamines. So then the Seasons expansion came out and it pissed me off so much that I stopped playing because the only reason I even bought that expansion (beside the fact that I buy every expansion ON expansion day) was because in Sims 2, the Seasons expansions had greenhouses and I still maintain that gardening is the best part in the game. There’s just something really satisfying to me to having perfect produce to make perfect meals out of. Something cool about the Seasons expansion though, is that you can control each individual Sims’ aging; you can either slow it down or speed it up. I have all of them set to “epic” so they all age really slowly. It is a f act that I have never played a Sim long enough to get to old age and I’ve never allowed any of them to die naturally either. I am TERRIBLE at the Legacy Challenge. I mean, I have a Legacy Family, I just stopped playing them because I couldn’t bear the idea of any of them dying.
ANYWAY…so Charlie Moody, the fairy alchemist, lives in a small house on a small property with a small outdoor garden and she grows mushrooms in her basement. In the Ambitions expansion (I believe) they introduced celebrities so some NPCs are celebrities and if you befriend them or impress them you get star points which contributes to your own celebrity status which is kept track of with a possible 5 gold stars beside your Sim’s name. Charlie Moody, at the moment, is at 4/5 possible stars because she’s both a fucking cheater AND a starfucker. Allow me to explain.
Being an alchemist, you can make these jars of friendship that you can throw at celebrity Sims and instantly you become best friends. This is how Charlie Moody has cheated her way to the top. As a celebrity, you get discounts on things, free shit, people ask for your autograph and the paparazzi follows your every move. As a celebrity you can also be disgraced, but I’m not totally sure what the effects of that are yet.
So Charlie Moody’s friends with all these celebrities and that’s how she’s achieved her high celebrity status but I got kinda bored with a fairy who was the highest level alchemist, who had achieved her lifetime wish to be one and who aged at an extremely slow pace. She’s even a “young adult” as opposed to an “adult” so she’s not even going to be an “elder” for a really long time.
Well. While at the Midsummer Festival, she met Chester and they were instantly attracted to each other. He himself was either a 2 or 3 star celebrity so I decided that they should woohoo and perhaps he should father her one and only child. Or at least that was my intent in bringing him back to her house where they did, indeed, woohoo to “try for baby” and she became pregnant. What was intended to be just a simple, every day starfuck ended up as one thing leading to another and they ended up married. But as it turned out, he was a goddamn VAMPIRE! I hadn’t even noticed because he had five o’clock shadow which hid his complexion and I thought his glowing eyes were just a trick of my graphics card. So I started freaking out, was Charlie’s baby going to be a fairy or a vampire?
As Charlie was working in the garden, Chester was sleeping in her bed and then all of a sudden he’s standing up, writhing in pain and Death appears! Next thing I know, Chester’s spontaneously combusted and I’ve got an urn on Charlie’s bedroom floor, along with a pile of ashes to clean up! This was definitely a good thing because I had no intentions of them staying together anyway and that was a good way to get rid of him.
So here’s Charlie in her mushroom grow op, upset that her vampire husband is now dead:
And then she went into labour:
And then she gave birth to a motherfucking VAMPIRE!
So that happened. I named the baby “Gift” because Stephy on Twitter asked me if I was playing True Blood Sims, which had never even occurred to me and “Gift” is a character in the books (except she’s a fairy). When Gift grew into a toddler, I used some of my lifetime happiness points to buy something called The Philosopher’s Stone. It said that it was used by alchemists to transmute gold, so hey, I’m an alchemist, why not? WELL! It has two options when you click on it, you can “bind ghost”, which was lit up so I could do it or you can “transmute gold” which was greyed out so I couldn’t do it for some reason. (I’m still not sure how transmuting gold works.) So I clicked on “bind ghost” to see what that did and it gave me a list of possible ghosts to “bind”. Again, not knowing what “binding” in this case meant, I figured choosing Chester’s ghost, whose tombstone was in my garden, was the safest bet so I clicked it and IT FUCKING ADDED HIM AS A GHOST TO MY HOUSEHOLD AND MADE HIM PLAYABLE AS A G HOST VAMPIRE! I didn’t WANT to play a vampire! I definitely didn’t want to play a ghost vampire!
But then one thing led to another, as they say, and Charlie and Chester the vampire ghost woohooed to make another baby and not only was Charlie “disgraced” for having relations with “an occult” but she gave birth to a goddamn ghost baby who may or may not be a vampire. Babies and toddlers (and maybe kids too) don’t have the same vampire needs as adult vampires so I won’t know until they’re either kids or young adults if they are. So godammit, I’m stuck with two crappy kids. But, I’m a glutton for punishment, so I used this potion called a potent cure elixir on Chester and it turned him into a human ghost. I made Charlie consume a procreation elixir and they “tried for baby again” and now she’s pregnant again, possibly with twins of god knows what nature.
Late last night I realized that in Chester’s inventory there’s his tombstone and I can send him back into it if I get sick of playing him, but with so many babies, two parents are better than one so I guess I’ll keep him around for a little while longer. And that’s the end of my Sims adventures for now.
Riveting stuff, I know. Also I probably should have included more screencaps. Next time.
So again, that was part of my perfect Tuesday. At around 4:30pm I had a decadent Lush bath where I used a Karma bubble bar, half of a Karma bath melt, a Calavera bath bomb and Karma soap and I shaved my legs for the first time since September while reading Bossypants by Tina Fey and then I followed up with Karma Cream. Then when I got out, I put on pink yoga pants and a lime green tank top because dammit, I was sick of wearing black and grey like I have been all winter and then Blake came home and made fun of me, saying that the 80s called and they wanted their outfit back. Well fuuuuuuck him!
So that was pretty much a perfect day. Yesterday all I did was work, have a work meeting and play Sims and now you’re pretty much up to speed on everything that’s been happening with me.
Today my mom linked to this project called 50 Words where this blogger gives you a word every week and you’re supposed to make a piece of art using that word. I’m contemplating doing it. I’m never very good at these things. Last year I signed up for the 2013 Sketchbook Project with the kids and they got their sketchbooks in on time but I never even started mine. First I lost it and then I just couldn’t be bothered, so what I’m going to do is use the sketchbook as an actual working sketchbook and then whenever I’m done with it, I’ll send it in to them to be added to the permanent library. I just won’t be on the tour and maybe mine won’t be digitized. No big deal either way. Anyway, this 50 Words thing is just something I’m considering. I’m not sure I want to make the commitment to anything right now since I seem to be all over the place these days and especially not something that has like, materials involved. So I dunno.
And that’s all I can think of to write about. When Madison gets home, I’m going to see if she’ll go to the pharmacy to buy me hair bleach because I’m really getting sick of my pink. The shade of pink bugs me, I’ve got roots to deal with and I just don’t really like my hair at the moment. Truthfully the bleach will probably just lighten the pink but even that I’d be fine with. Worst case scenario, I throw Manic Panic on it and call it a day. So that’s my plan, if not today the tomorrow.
(*cognitive behavioural therapy. I’m going to be using this term a lot in the coming months.)
Well, it’s been a whirlwind weekend of excitement around here because Blake and I, after having breakfast at Alma’s on Saturday morning like we always do, stopped in at The Conservatory (where my paintings are for sale in town) to talk to Rob specifically about the cards I ordered from Zazzle and if he wanted me to put them in cellophane bags with the envelopes or if it would be okay to sell them without because ordering cellophane bags would drive up the price.
When I walked in he said, “are you here to pick up work?” and I was like, “uh, no? should I be?” and as it turned out he sent an e-mail to every artist in the shop (but me) saying that Feb. 28th would be the last day The Conservatory would be open. In the fall, his wife got a job offer she couldn’t turn down, so that meant she couldn’t work in the shop and then since the shop was only breaking even and they needed two incomes, Rob took another job in Barrie and split his time between that job and The Conservatory. I think he was starting to burn out so that’s why the shop is closing.
And he asked me if I wanted to take it over.
I thought about it all day Saturday and talked it over with Blake and Madison and ended up sending Rob a long e-mail Sunday morning wanting to know every single aspect of the business and he patiently replied to every question I had. Throughout this time, I was consulting with my mom, who knows about running a retail business because she’s been doing it for like, 25 years, Charlie and Blake and keeping Madison in the loop as well since she’d be manning the store on Saturdays while I worked my regular job.
The offer was tempting. Rob’s lease isn’t up until January 2014, so he’s stuck paying rent until then regardless of anything anyone else does and he’d of course rather not take that hit. He said operating costs were about $1100/month and that “most months” the shop broke even which meant that the shop made no profit because the months that were profitable were canceled out by the months that weren’t. That didn’t matter to me because I wouldn’t be doing this to make a profit, at least not in the beginning. I would be doing this for the love of art, belief in the handmade philosophy and to enrich my community.
Rob was going to make the process as easy and painless as possible. I asked him if he would give me March rent-free so I could get a handle on things, build stock, forge relationships and generally learn the business. He said he was fine with that. He even offered to bundle services like hydro, internet, phone and rent into one payment that would be less than the total if I were to do it all alone. Madison found me this grant program for starting or growing a small business where they pay out to 90% of applicants and 80% of the applicants they reject, they did so because they couldn’t follow instructions. They would give you up to $100k in grant funds. Sounded good and viable to me!
So yesterday the e-mails were flying through the internet at the speed of light and everyone in my sphere was talking about it and as of last night, it seemed like this could actually become a real thing.
But I had a dream this morning that was really complicated and the details unimportant, but it made me realize that, while this would be a good opportunity, the fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t want to be in the shop every day, especially once the warmer months hit and everyone would want to go geocaching and to the beach and to take pictures. Plus, I would be doing this on top of my regular job which would mean I’d be working about 55 hours a week, 35 of which I wouldn’t even get paid for and honestly, I think I value my free time a lot more than that. It would be a stretch to work 55 hours a week and still have time for my own artwork and photography and for my family.
Running The Conservatory would have probably been good for me but ultimately I know it would have burnt me out and it just wouldn’t have worked. I like my job now partly because it’s so flexible and allows me to pursue other things at the same time and with The Conservatory I would lose all flexibility because any day I wasn’t open or wasn’t open on time (and when you own your own business, there are no sick days, there are no holidays – holidays are your best sales days) would be a day without sales and when your business is only breaking even, you can’t afford whole days without sales.
Blah blah blah, this Conservatory thing just isn’t going to happen. Madison’s bummed out because she really wanted it to happen, but that’s just how it has to be.
Unfortunately with The Conservatory closing, it means I have Zazzle products sitting in my office with nowhere to go. Chances are I’m just going to use them as promo items or save them for the Springwater Studio Tour in the fall if I get accepted into the local artists’ guild. It also – maybe – wouldn’t be out of the question to maybe get my mom to put them in her booths when she does craft shows. (It’s greeting cards, stickers and buttons.) Since Rob was telling us he was closing, I didn’t even bring up the cards. I’ll just hang onto them.
So that was this weekend’s excitement. I haven’t told Rob yet that this is a no go but I’ll write that e-mail after I post this.
I’ve decided that even without the option of selling things at The Conservatory, I’m still going to get a button maker for my birthday because the buttons I envision *are* pretty cool and I figure I can still sell them in my Etsy shop pretty easily and having a booth at the farmer’s market this spring & summer isn’t necessarily out of the question either if I wanted to go that route.
Okay, now I guess I have to write Rob that e-mail. Oy.
Blake’s not up yet and I’m not sure if we’re going out for breakfast today like we usually do because I dropped a LOT of money yesterday on his birthday and I’m not sure I can afford breakfast today.
Blake turned 39 yesterday and we started the day by me accidentally waking him up early by my trying to go back to sleep after work and failing, then we went to 50s & 60s Diner with Wes, who was home from school due to a teacher protest (ugh). Blake and I had their version of an Egg McMuffin, which was good but not as good as usual and Wes had banana pancakes.
Then we went to Barrie to get the windshield fixed because it has two chips in it but the guy said they were too small to even bother fixing and that they wouldn’t crack any further. Then we went to these fancy shoe stores because Blake has something wrong with his feet that I forget the name of but it’s something like “fasciitis” so he needs special orthopedic shoes so his feet won’t hurt all the time but all the ones we saw were ugly or expensive so we didn’t buy any.
While Blake went to the last shoe store, I went to Curry’s because it was in the same plaza and I bought more palette paper because I’m almost out, two really nice (and expensive for what they were) gel pens and this paper that’s endorsed by Eric Carle who wrote The Very Hungry Caterpillar (among others). This paper is a lot thinner than watercolour paper but promises to hold wet media without crinkling which is what I need for button making. It was only $2.99 so I thought I’d try it out. For my girls I use watercolour paper but I think that’ll be too thick for button making, which is why I was looking for thinner paper to begin with. I guess we’ll see how it goes.
After Curry’s and shoes, Blake and I went to the Bayfield Mall to see Django: Unchained, which was really good but the popcorn made me feel like vomiting they put so much butter on it and it made Blake feel sick too so when we walked into our house and it smelled like cake, I thought I was going to die. (Madison made Blake a birthday cake with the ingredients I bought when I did groceries earlier in the week.) About an hour or two after we got home, I *did* throw up and the butter from the popcorn like, floated in small golden balls in top of the toilet water. So gross, but I felt better afterward and ended up eating a small TV dinner and some ice cream while we watched Twin Peaks and then around 10pm, I went to bed. I told Blake to keep watching Twin Peaks because I’ve seen the whole thing and I want him to see the whole thing so we can finally watch the movie. I’m wondering if he’s going to be upset with the final episode like I was. I cried for about 45 minutes after it ended it upset me so much. They basically ruined the whole fucking series with that episode and I’ve heard the movie is a big ol’ “fuck you” to the fans as well, so I guess we’ll see.
Last night on Facebook I was sort of counselling two people. One of my friends recently had a laparoscopy and uterine ablation where they not only found and removed endometriosis but they also found that she had adenomyosis which is when they find glandular tissue in the muscle of the uterus which causes extremely painful periods and the only cure is hysterectomy, which is a hard thing for any woman, especially one who’s only in her early 30s. I told her that if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t even question it, I’d rip that fucker out. It’s not like endo where hysterectomy “may” cure the disease (but more often than not it doesn’t), in this case hysterectomy WILL cure the problem so I say rip ‘er. But like I said, it’s a totally hard thing and I suggested she see a grief counselor because that’s essentially what she’ll be going through after it’s all over.
Then another friend was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and she posted a picture of her pill bottles and said that it’s a hard thing to get used to, the dependency on drugs for the rest of your life, and obviously I’ve been there so I started in with my diabetes comparisons etc. It kinda pissed me off when her sister said “it’s not forever” because um, hello, yes it IS and that’s exactly what my friend was trying to wrap her head around. It sucks that the patient has to always educate everyone else around them. I don’t know if it’s like that with other illnesses or diseases but that seems to be the case with mental illness, or at least that’s been my experience. And then there’s the denial that your family goes through too. My biological father is still going through this, as is his wife. She said to me, “I don’t think you’re bi-POL-ER,” and rolled her eyes when I was first diagnosed like she was some kind of expert in both mental illness and ME, which she is not nor has even been nor will ever be. My mom was more accepting of it because she’s been through it with me my whole life (without a diagnosis) and after I was diagnosed and we read up on what being bipolar meant, everything just clicked that yes, I’ve been experiencing this my entire life. It still took her a while to understand the gravity of the situation though, particularly when I was psychotic and she thought I was “pulling something”.
I just wanted to give my friend some hope that it wouldn’t always be this hard, that pretty soon taking medication every day is just routine and that eventually you’ll start to feel normal. Or at least partially normal.
And speaking of mental illness, I mentioned that I’ll be starting cognitive behavioural therapy in February, which should be interesting. The group is made up of 12 people and the course uses the book Mind Over Mood, which I have. The lady on the phone told me to read the chapter on anxiety. Theoretically they’re going to be sending a cab for me to come get me there and back but we’re going to have to work up to that being okay. The first time or two Blake is going to have to come with me in the cab but ideally after that I should be able to get there by myself. In theory. If I can’t do it then Blake’s going to have to drive me. I’ve already told my boss about this so we can’t schedule any meetings on Thursdays until this class is over or if we do schedule any Thursday meetings, I won’t be able to come and I’ll have to rely on the meeting notes to catch up, which she said was fine. She said we may need to do weekend meetings to compensate, which I’m really hoping isn’t the case because my Saturdays are extremely busy as it is and pausing for an hour or two for a meeting will create a backlog of e-mails that’ll take me forever to climb out of. So I guess we’ll see.
Now Blake’s up so I think we will go out for breakfast since I’m pretty hungry and I don’t really have anything else to say.
Oh! Yes I do! My cards are here from Zazzle and they look REALLY good. The mugs didn’t look very good at all so I removed them from my shop, but the cards look amazing so feel free to buy some! Especially this one since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! (Also available as a postcard AND you can even get matching US postage!) I’m still waiting on the stickers and buttons, which should be here today, but I’m assuming that since the cards turned out so well, those should as well. I also have it on good authority that the iPhone cases look really nice as evidenced by the fact that I’m selling more of those than anything else to repeat customers, so check ’em out!
My step-mom, myself, and my two sisters went on holiday to somewhere with a beach. I left my camera with my sisters and when I returned, it was gone and we had to evacuate because a volcano was threatening the island we were on.
But I thought, “it’s okay, I just lost a few gigs of pics, no big deal, I’m insured”.
So when I got home, I told Blake what happened and told him he needed to call the insurance company. And he asked why. And I said, “to make a claim!” and that’s when he told me he forgot to call the insurance company before I went on holiday to set up insurance.
And then I woke up in a cold sweat.
I’ve been wanting to insure all of my camera equipment for theft and damage because at this point I’ve amassed quite a bit and I think that’s why I had this dream.