December 4, 2012

Hot Lights

Last night in photography class it was “hot light night” where Andre set up two little studios, one with a light setup with an umbrella and one with two strobes inside soft boxes. Before class he called to let us know to bring models so I brought the whole family.

Shooting IN class freaks me right the fuck out and fills me with anxiety and I can’t do it. So I didn’t. I let Alex take all the pictures of the kids and Blake and I just sat there trying to pretend I was okay when I wasn’t. And to make matters worse, I’d forgotten my keys (which were on a carabeener on my purse but I had brought my backpack) which meant that I didn’t have any Ativan with me. It’s in a little container attached to my keys.

Oh and I didn’t do last week’s assignment (landscapes) because the weather was terrible on Sunday, which is my only real day to shoot, and the construction is terrible so taking pics anywhere near our house was out of the question. I suppose I ¬†could have taken pictures of the construction but I didn’t think those pictures would be interesting.

When we were going through the pictures everyone else had done for the assignment, this one lady brought in a picture of an HDR shot her husband had done and I felt so terrible about it because it was a really REALLY bad example of HDR. I had brought about 14 shots of HDR from Trey Ratcliff’s website but I didn’t speak up and show them because I didn’t want this lady and her husband to look like…well, amateurs? I mean, that’s what we all are obviously, but I didn’t want her to look bad. She was sort of coming off as a know-it-all and I totally could have made her look stupid, but I didn’t because I guess I’m not a horrible person.

Next class is the last one and our final assignment is “signs of life”. We’re supposed to take pictures of anything that shows signs of life. I’ve already shown sea-monkey pictures, so that’s out. I’ve shown the dogs and the kids and Blake and there is nothing growing right now because it’s December so I don’t know. I don’t really have any houseplants except for an almost dead spider plant. That would be more like a sign of death. Actually I don’t even know if it’s still alive. It’s been on top of the fridge for years and no one waters it. Same with the aloe vera plant.

Anyway, I don’t know, as per usual, what to take pictures of. I don’t know how I’m ever going to actually pass actual classes if I do this college thing if the assignments are like this. When I only really have one day to shoot and I want to do 2 classes per semester, so 2 classes per week…I don’t know if I can do this. :o/

Ideally by then I’ll be driving and I’ll have a car so that’ll make things easier? I’ll be able to go other places to take pictures of things not in a 1km radius around my house? That’s a future I cannot even imagine. Actually the mere idea of that future makes me cry because it’s just so fucking scary. All of the steps to get there are terrifying and I don’t feel like I can do it. I don’t feel like I want to do it.

That’s the thing though. When I get scared of immersion therapy, I convince myself that I didn’t want the goal anyway and that’s where I am right now. The end goal is just more stress, why would I want that? I just don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I’m capable of doing this. I don’t think I’m capable of completing immersion therapy to the point that I’ll be able to take and drive to classes by myself and I don’t think I’m capable of passing the classes either. So I’m back at square one.

What am I supposed to do with my life?

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