November 7, 2012

Oh and Another Thing

So anxiety.

Before class I have to take a clonazepam (Klonopin) and 2 Ativan just to get in the car. Then I have to take 2 Ativan to walk in the building. Then I have to take 2 Ativan before I present last week’s assignment.

It’s a small class and Andre’s a super nice guy so I don’t know why it makes me so nervous. It really makes me sad that I have to take Ativan before I present. I used to give presentations to 30-50 people at a time when I was in college and I had no drugs then. 12 years later and I can’t even explain a dozen pictures to 6 people. Taking it to get to class makes sense, I’m agoraphobic, but normally once I get to a place (with some exceptions) I’m okay, especially if it’s art related. I’ve explained this before, but my shrink says it’s because I know my role in a place like that, I know my title. I am the artist.

Andre said in class – because one of my classmates is going to be taking pictures of groups of people at his church – that because you’re the photographer, it’s okay to be bossy and tell people what to do. Tell them to squish in closer. Tell them how to pose. I can’t even present my own pictures, how in the hell am I ever going to be able to tell perfect strangers what to do? Is this whole idea of going to school and doing what Thea does just a stupid one? A waste of time and money?

I mean, I’ve talked to Rick about it and next fall is a more realistic timeframe, but I can’t imagine myself driving to the college by myself, for one, and then participating in the class and then presenting my work. I think these classes are bigger than the one I’m in now. This is just out of my scope of comprehension right now.

I didn’t drive to the movies on Sunday so I didn’t drive this week. That’s a bad thing because the less I do it, the harder it’s going to be. In my defense, I didn’t want to get there late because I would do the speed limit and being Sunday there were a lot of cars on the road so I made Blake drive. I don’t know when I’m going to get a chance to drive again when the only places I can drive to right now is Midland, where my shrink is and where the movies are, and Wasaga Beach, where 50s & 60s Diner is. I don’t have enough money to pay for Blake and I to go to 50s & 60s for breakfast (it’s like, over $20 – this is just how much it is to have breakfast not at home in Canada, even at McDonald’s) so there’s no point in going and I don’t want to drive there on a weekend anyway. So I dunno.

I’m just full of anxiety and self-doubt right now. I would really like to do this thing and start having a life but the steps to get there are just so fucking scary. :o(

I think I’m just discouraged because I should be taking less drugs to go to class by now. The MacLaren Art Centre, of all places, should be a safe place. So why isn’t it?


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  1. scutterman says:

    This is just a complete stab in the dark, but maybe you’re more nervous in class because your role is “student artist” rather than “artist”. If that’s true, then shooting professionally should be easier because you’re back in the role of “artist”.

    • Sunny says:

      You make a very good point. Also photography itself is different because I’m not automatically good at it, whereas with painting, I was always able to create things exactly the way I wanted to on the first try pretty much from the beginning of doing my girls.

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