October 1, 2012

If You Don’t Slow Down You’re Gonna Craaash…

So if you’re looking at my site right now, you’ll notice that all the posts from the weekend about Bare Oaks are now gone. Despite the horrible things you’re probably thinking about me due to the nature of this weekend’s posts, this wasn’t intentional and the posts are still archived on Live Journal here, here, here and here. Plus if you read them there, you get to see all the comments saying that Blake’s this huge saint for putting up with me and that I’m a horrible person because I never let him do anything. By our friends.

There was a problem updating WordPress and we had to do something with a backup that I don’t understand but the newest backup was from Friday so we had to use that. There is no conspiracy to erase anything that was posted.

Anyway…

Just so EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS, I have no problem with Blake doing things without me. I had a problem with this specific thing. I have a problem with my spouse joining a community, a culture, possibly a cult, where I’m prohibited from participating. Especially a culture that’s supposed to be “all about family” but half our family is prohibited from being part of it unless they compromise their bodies.

And you guys say “oh but it’s only once or twice a year, what’s the harm?” but that’s how it starts. And it’s a slippery slope. He goes once and likes it so it turns into twice, but then there’s a volleyball tournament so that makes it three times, then there’s euchre night so that’s four times and then he makes friends and wants to go camping for a whole weekend – all without Wes and I. I don’t think that scenario is unrealistic. In an environment like that, you’re SUPPOSED to join the community. And then say he does, despite the fact that it would make me really unhappy, then all of his new friends are judging me and saying “poor Blake” because his family won’t share this experience with him, like there’s something wrong with us (Wes too) or “oh well, we’ll just have fun without them! Screw them and their puritanical attitudes!” You don’t think that would happen? I call bullshit. I don’t care how “loving” and “positive” and “open” these people are, that scenario is not unrealistic. And I already have massive mental health issues having to do with being judged unfairly by strangers. (I just read this paragraph to Blake and he says I’m projecting. I think this is possible, especially since it follows a pattern *I* would do when I get into something and that Blake’s never really shown. Whether I am projecting or not, these are my feelings. Also keep in mind I’m a creative person with a really active imagination.)

And then, perhaps, less realistically, what if he REALLY likes the lifestyle and wants to become a member of the club for $600/year and go as often as possible? What if he wants to rent a trailer there for that purpose? What if he leaves me for someone who wants to share this lifestyle with him full-time? Who also ascribes to the whole naturist philosophy? Who also wants to eat vegan and do naked yoga? Both of which Blake is into and I’m not.

The other thing that people failed to realize about our posts is that my post was about FEELINGS whereas his was about FACTS. Two completely different things. I didn’t ask him to post so people could take “sides” or that one of us could “win”. That wasn’t the point. The point was that Blake felt like I portrayed him as a “shitbag” in my post so I told him to tell his side of the story so people wouldn’t think that because I didn’t want people to think that, that wasn’t the point of my post. The point of my original post was to get help in being okay with his and Madison’s decision because I was trying my best to be supportive. (Although truthfully, I don’t think my original post made him look like a shitbag. I’ve read it a few times since I posted it and I’m not seeing it. Correct me if you think I’m wrong.)

This whole thing was a breakdown in communication between Blake and I. And don’t think he’s not partly at fault for this either, since so many of you seem to think he’s some kind of saint. He told me point blank on Friday that if he didn’t do this before the end of the season, he wouldn’t do it at all and that last weekend was the last time the weather would be nice enough to do some of the things he wanted to do. That gave me HOURS to decide whether or not I wanted to be a part of this or if I was okay with them being a part of this and when I finally said I wasn’t okay with the whole thing (crying, begging and pleading for him not to do this), Blake got mean. Really mean. So I backed down.

Yes, he’s been talking about this for months but only seriously for about the last month and I’ve gone back and forth as far as myself and Madison going but I didn’t voice my concerns about him going until Friday afternoon when they were going to go on Saturday. It wasn’t until it became reality, that this was actually going to happen, that I panicked and freaked out. Until then it was just an abstract thought, one I hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with because I thought Madison would chicken out and if she chickened out then Blake would go by himself, check it out and come home thinking that without his family there, it wasn’t so awesome and that it was just one more thing to cross off his bucket list, especially because he’s a cheap bastard and I couldn’t see him spending $50 to go there for just himself. That was my theory. When it started becoming apparent that my theory could be incorrect, I freaked the fuck out.

People also seem to think that there continues to be a problem. There isn’t. Blake and I are 100% okay. He’s not going to go to Bare Oaks again and it’s not a big deal. If Madison wants to go to Bare Oaks when she’s got her own car and licence, so be it (although I’m not sure they’d let someone under 18 go without their parents). It’s her body and she can choose who she wants to share it with. I’m assuming “naked night” at home will continue and I have no problem with that. In fact, prior to this whole shitstorm, I was the one who was naked in the house most often. I’ve NEVER hidden my body from my kids and I sit at my computer naked not all the time, but often and when I’m going from the bedroom to the bathroom and then to the laundry room to drop off my dirty clothes and then when I get out of the shower to get clean clothes from the bedroom, I’m naked the whole time and don’t give a fuck. I have no problems with nudity. Public nudity? I’m not sure if I have a problem with it. All evidence points to “yes” but I’m not sure. I think it’s the combination of nudity and community/culture that bothers me. I just don’t “get” the naturist philosophy and I don’t want it for my family. I think it’s completely unnatural and impractical to do half the things they do without clothes and I don’t think I’m wrong or bad or “conditioned” in thinking so, as they would accuse me of being.

I want Blake to have things for himself. I completely agree that he needs to do things to “recharge” since he has so many responsibilities at home and work. I just have a problem with this one thing. I realize my feelings on this one thing aren’t completely rational and I can’t say that I even understand all of them but they’re there, they’re real and they need to be respected. And they are being respected, there’s no problem and if Blake finds something else he wants to do I’ll be supportive as long as it’s not like, skydiving or something super crazy that may cause bodily harm or if it’s something that seriously disrupts our family in any way. I think, personally, for example, that he needs to find either a creative writing class or a writer’s workshop of some sort to help him develop a couple of really good story ideas he has in his head but he seems to disagree.

The thing is, his shrink-ordered hot yoga was supposed to be his “recharging” thing (which I had huge problems with in the beginning due to irrational fears, which I also think I wrote about here but after talking about it for a few weeks I was fine with it; I did make the condition that he didn’t make any yoga friends though, which I admit is potentially unfair of me). I didn’t realize there was going to be more things that he’d start doing without me instead of things to do with me. (Keeping in mind that we do NOTHING together. Going to Starbucks doesn’t count and neither does going to Michael’s or Curry’s, especially since it’s now been revealed that he resents me for making him take me to those places.) And part of the reason I had a problem with hot yoga was because I just knew it would lead to more things he’d want to do without me and obviously it has so my fears have been realized.

So what’s the solution? Well, there really isn’t a problem I don’t think. Blake needs to do things to recharge. I’m not sure if these things all have to be without me or not but hot yoga does. I’m fine with that. (Honestly, I think my biggest issue with hot yoga was that it’s called “hot yoga” and that it’s a sweaty activity. In my head, with that imagination of mine, it’s like sex without the penetration, like a bad music video, and he was going to leave me for some granola-eating hot yoga slut. Plus that whole slippery slope thing I mentioned above.) He’s not going to go to Bare Oaks again. That’s a good thing. We’re both fine with it. There is no resentment or hard feelings. (As far as I’m aware.) He says he wouldn’t be able to go there and have a good time knowing that I was at home and upset about it anyway.

So that’s where things stand. There are no “sides” to take. There’s not a “winner” nor a “loser”, there’s just Sunny and Blake trying to figure things out.

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