I think Master of Puppets is a fucking symphony. Probably in my top 10 favourite songs of all time (if not the entire album). Just thought I’d say that since it just came on and I have my speakers turned up loud enough to entertain the construction workers outside my house.
Yesterday I started a 10 day free trial of WoW to try out the new monk class. It made me so upset. It took forever to download the expansion and the whole time I was like, “w00t! This is what I can fill my days with, this is gonna be awesome!” and then I played and it totally wasn’t awesome at all. The monk class, at least in the beginning, really sucks. But after I played for a few hours (with Alex, who is doing the trial too) and then got frustrated and gave up and cried, I read a bit about the class and everything said that they do, indeed, suck in the beginning but they’re a hybrid class like druids (I loved my druid, I was so stupid for deleting her) and you can heal with them and they get awesome as you go along. So I’m going to give my little panda monk, named Menopawz, a fair shake. And no, I’m not going to tell you what server we’re playing on. That is TOP SEKRIT. But Alex and I are going to be going horde, naturally. (She made a panda warrior.) Whether or not we play beyond the free trial, I’m not sure yet. I mean, I can afford it and it’s not like I have anything better to do, but no one I know really plays anymore so….yeah….I dunno. I solo’d my druid resto (dumb, I know) and never ever used my forms except seal form to gather stranglekelp so I don’t see why I couldn’t also solo a healer panda monk. But at the same time, if I’m playing by myself, who am I going to heal? I’m not very good at being social in the game. And I don’t want to get sucked into the whole raiding/ventrillo hardcore path again because that was WORK and well, fuck that. But if I could get Blake and Ronny playing too, I’d consider it. (I don’t think they will, Blake doesn’t have the time and Ronny works nights so we’d never be on at the same time.)
Anyway, those are my current thoughts on Warcraft. We’ll see how it goes, I guess.
So at photography class on Monday, Andre asked us why we take pictures and I pretty much said that I didn’t know. I told him what I tend to take pictures OF but not why I take them. But I figured it out: I like to document. Even if what I’m documenting IS taking pictures.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I would love to do what Thea does. She takes portraits and candids of families and children almost exclusively outside or in their homes. For me to be able to do this, a lot of things would have to happen.
A) I would have to overcome agoraphobia.
B) I would have to overcome massive social anxiety and be a leader. I would have to tell people what to do, how to make a good picture.
C) I would have to start driving again. By myself.
D) I would probably have to buy my own car and pay for my own insurance, which is just not a possibility now or in the very near future.
E) I would have to do this. I *want* to do that. (That’s a link to Georgian College’s continuing education photography program. It’s in Barrie, right beside the hospital I’ve spent so much time in.)
That’s a tall order. But the thing is, if I wanted to work toward it, I have the resources at my disposal to do so. I have a caseworker (or whatever he is) who, if I told him this list of goals, would help me work toward them. I have a shrink who would cheer me on. I have a mental health centre that is entirely focused on helping people set and achieve goals just like these. There’s even a lady there, whose actual role I can’t remember, like the name of what her job is, but her name is Debra and her entire job is to re-teach you how to have fun and be social with people. And they’ll send a cab for me to get there for any of the programs I want to be involved in.
But it’s like I said to Blake last night, if you throw me into a situation where I have no choice but to sink or swim, I have traditionally always swam. (Swum?) When Zulu got hit by the car, I navigated that crisis by myself and did what needed to be done. When I wanted to go to college for advertising, I learned how to drive, moved to another town to be closer to school and drove to Toronto every single day. (Okay not every single day because I’m a slacker, but close enough.) When my friend Sondra called me during the worst blizzard of the year to say that she was stranded with her piece of shit car on the 400 (which was nowhere near where I lived, like an hour & a half away in that storm), I left Madison with my grama and went and got her, easy peasy. Slow & steady. On highways and backroads. I got the job done and brought her to my house. Cars were sliding all over the place and hitting each other and ending up in ditches all around me the whole way there and back, but dammit, I can drive in a blizzard. No problem.
There are other examples, I’m sure, but the fact remains that somewhere deep inside me, I am capable of this. It’s like it’s locked up inside me and I have to find the key.
The big hurdle will be driving. I am terrified of wrecking the only car we have, the car that is necessary for Blake to get to and from work so he can feed our family and pay the mortgage. Our entire well-being rests on that vehicle and I am petrified of totaling it. If I had my own car, I wouldn’t be so scared because then it would be mine and I would be the only one affected if I fucked it up. And I could leave the seat where I need it to be without adjusting it all the time and I could put on the bumper stickers I wanted on it and Bubbles, the Powerpuff Girl, our vehicular mascot, could hang from the rear view and I could chuck as many Diet Coke cans into the passenger leg area that I wanted to without upsetting anyone. The only drawback to having my own car would be that I would have to pump my own gas, and probably pay for it too, but I could learn how to do that and just be done with it. But that’s not realistic. I have to work with what we’ve got.
The classes for the photography program are all 7pm-10pm in Barrie, which is half an hour away and I could take backroads at 80 km/h to get there. (As opposed to the highway where I’d have to go 110 km/h.) Blake said that if I decided I could do this, he would guarantee me that the car would always be here by 6:30pm and that it would be full of gas, but he will not drive me unless there’s a blizzard or something and I’m just too scared. (But if I get my “sea legs” back, I doubt a blizzard would be an issue.)
The photography program requires 180 hours of instruction and it also requires that you take Digital Camera Techniques and a Photoshop class. I’d want to get those out of the way as soon as possible since they’re beginner classes. I’d probably take Advanced Photoshop since I’ve been using it for like, a decade. That’s 60 hours right there. Classes would be Mondays and Thursdays. Realistically I should probably only take one at a time, but where’s the fun in that? If I’m going to do this, I want to DO THIS. I don’t think more than 2 is realistic and it would just stress me out. After the mandatory classes, I’d have to take 9 more (at 18 hours per class on average) and if I did 2 per semester, it would take me 2 & a half years to get my certificate. We plan on staying here for the next 4 years so that’s completely feasible without interrupting my studies. And Blake was like, “who needs a certificate?” and I was like, “bitch, I do!” I don’t have a high school diploma. I never finished college the first time around. I have nothing to show that I’ve completed ANYTHING in my whole entire life because I HAVEN’T completed anything in my whole entire life, so that certificate would be really really important to me. But it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I didn’t get it either. I just want to take these classes to learn and even if I don’t finish the whole program, I’ll be better off than I was before I started both academically and personally because I’ll have overcome so many of my psychological issues.
I’m not saying that this is a definite thing. Just that it’s a possibility. Blake says that on Sunday we’re going to go driving to see how I do and I’m scared out of my wits. I don’t like driving with other people in the car because I’m afraid they’re criticizing me and they distract me. I told Blake that there’s not a chance in hell I’m driving with the kids in the car. Dogs, maybe. I’ve done that before. Kids, definitely not. The hard part will be going over 60 km/h with other cars on the road. I haven’t driven with other cars on the road in 7 years. I’ve only driven a handful of times at 3am to the post office or the variety store and that’s in our town, so that’s going less than 60 km/h the whole time (and being 3am, I went slower than that). Once I drove in the rain at about 7pm to the grocery store to buy Blake coffee filters and Golden Oreos for the morning. They were all shocked to see me there by myself and commented on it and it freaked me out so badly that it never happened again. That was probably 2 years ago now.
So yeah, lots to work through. There’s also the issue of getting the money to take these classes. They’re not expensive, about $250 a piece (with tax) for the mandatory ones and then the others are around $150 + tax. I figure it’s not outside the realm of possibility that I could take donations to pay for them. Plus there’d be gas. And maybe one day, my own car & insurance.
The more I think about this, the more I want it though. Photography is so much more fun than painting, so much more rewarding. My whole life I’ve been trying to get people to see what I see and with photographs, that’s possible. I mean, I’ve always written, I’ve maintained this blog, in some form or another, since 1998, and the entire purpose has been to document and to have witnesses to what I see every single day. What I experience. What I feel. WHen I look through my camera’s lens, I don’t just see what’s there, I see what’s possible and – maybe this is ridiculous – I feel warm in my brain because I know exactly what the reactions to those pictures are going to be. And I’m an attention whore, I thrive on praise. Blake told me last night that I was basically pathetic, but without the validation of strangers, I just don’t do well. I’ve had that for long enough that without it I have trouble. When I write a blog post and no one comments, I consider myself a failure. (Although someone usually comments, even if it’s only one person. Like yesterday’s post.)
Anyway, this is what’s happening inside my head right now. I’m excited by the possibility of this happening. Right now I think I can do this. The only thing that’s REALLY going to suck is getting home at 10:30-ish pm and having to go straight to bed so I can get up at 4am to work. But like, last night I didn’t go to bed until 11pm and I got up at 4am with my alarm, but set my phone’s alarm to 5am (which is the time I actually do my work – I get up an hour early to check e-mail etc.) and slept on the couch until it was time to work and I was fine. Then when I was done at 7am (Thursdays are my short day, I normally work until 8am), I went back to bed until 9:30am and now I have the whole day to do whatever I want. If I had my own car I could go somewhere and take pictures for these theoretical classes. My long day is Saturday where I work for 9 hours, but I start at 2pm which gives me the morning to do whatever I want, sleep in etc, and Saturdays would have nothing to do with school so that’s really a non-issue. And our work just hired a new girl to help us out so in theory, my Saturdays are going to become a lot less stressful. (I do e-mail support for a HUGE website and on Saturdays I come onto my shift with like, 50 unread e-mails to go through to get the inbox down to zero and it takes me 3 or 4 hours without a break to get caught up because Saturdays are probably our busiest day and I can’t answer e-mails faster than they come in so I’m really hoping this new girl is going to help the girl whose shift is before mine so I don’t come on to all these e-mails. That would be absolutely wonderful because it stresses me the fuck out and makes me hate Saturdays with a burning passion. I don’t mind working on the weekend, that doesn’t bother me at all, it’s the stress of trying to get the inbox caught up when I first come on that kills me and the fact that it’s a 9 hour day and if I take a break to eat dinner with my family, the inbox gets out of control again because the dinner hours are even busier than the rest of the day because people apparently watch porn while they eat or something and it takes me a while to get it back down to zero.)
What do you guys think of all this? I could really use some feedback. Does any of this sound realistic to you at all? Is this just another one of my crazy, unrealistic ideas that’ll never be realized? I kinda really want this, enough so that I’m willing to go driving with Blake on Sunday and if that goes well, to keep doing it. Maybe I’ll drive to my shrink appointment tomorrow if we leave a little bit early. I would have to go 80 km/h to get there but we take backroads so it wouldn’t be very stressful (in theory). And my shrink would be shocked and pleased to hear that I did it. Hrm.
Okay now I’m going to eat mushroom pizza and probably talk to people on Facebook. Lemme know your thoughts.