September 9, 2012

Starting to freak out.

I leave for Squam on Tuesday after Blake gets home from work. Well, technically we don’t leave until early Wednesday morning but I have to stay over night at my mom’s so we can leave early since she lives an hour & a half away from me. I have today and Monday off and then I work Tuesday morning and then that’s it until the next Tuesday. This is sort of awesome, but sucky because I’m going to be so so poor by next paycheque because I’m taking 4 days off, unpaid. Bummer.

On Thursday I packed my “Squam Box” and I can’t think of anything else art-wise to add to it. I put in all my brushes, my pencil crayons, my Inktense pencils (since I don’t know how to use them and maybe someone can teach me), all my glitter (which may be unnecessary but what if they don’t have any there and I need it?), a jar of varnish that I probably won’t use, a bottle of crackle medium that I also probably won’t use, my “Smash Kit” full of stuff from my Smash Book, mostly washi tapes, pencils, pens and stuff like that…I can’t remember what else I put in there. Oh yeah, two sketchbooks; one for Belinda and one for me since we have the same class on day 2. Really considering taking the peacock feathers.

Blake told me to keep my supplies to a minimum because if you look at the materials list for my 2nd class, most of what we’ll be using will be provided. Oh yeah, I *did* pack a whole bunch of Martha Stewart paints because I think the paint provided will probably be Golden and I hate Golden because you have to mix your own colours and honestly, fuck that, I don’t have time for that.  Anyway, Blake said that I should use their materials instead of mine because that’s what I’m paying them for. I think he has a pretty valid point considering how expensive this trip is.

I’m mostly scared about my 1st day’s class. I’m scared to have my picture taken and I even told my teacher that and she said that if I felt uncomfortable about it, I could decline but I don’t want to do that. What I wanted to hear was that if the pictures are horrible she’ll delete them. Plus there’s this:

And then I’m TERRIFIED of being somewhere with 134 (approx.) other (mostly) women. I don’t have a lot of female friends. I don’t really know how to have female friends. I don’t really get into the whole “sisterhood” dealio that so many other women seem to just connect with. I mean, yeah, I like Oprah, but that’s about the extent of it. And yeah I’m a feminist, but that doesn’t mean I get along well with women traditionally. Or other creatives for that matter. Maybe these women will be different?

Squam made a blog post this week about the first fall session and there’s the group picture that they take every year. Right here, look. I don’t see any tattooed, gum-chewing freaks in that picture. I don’t see “my people”. And that scares me. Belinda and I are going to stick out like sore thumbs. (Especially Belinda with her multi-coloured hairdo.)

But I signed up for this to have an experience I couldn’t get otherwise so I’m trying REALLY REALLY FUCKING HARD to keep an open mind and to not be judgmental. I’m just going to be so out of my element and I’m not sure how I’m going to cope without my safe person. And is being in a car with my mother for 10 hours really a good idea? I mean, can we go 10 hours without her getting pissed off and me in tears? I’m not sure. I’m bringing TWO bottles of Ativan though so hopefully that’ll help. Is it even possible to overdose on Ativan?

And in the US, I can’t use my phone because I can’t afford to due to international roaming fees, so that means no “Twitter support”, which I rely on in the outside world quite a bit.

Talk about first world problems. :o/

And then there’s the whole Free People fiasco. Charlie ordered me some clothes specifically to wear at Squam so I wouldn’t look like a homeless person in my crappy, worn out Old Navy stuff and I think it’s sitting at the post office right now but I have no way of getting it. The only things we’re expecting in the mail are Free People and Madison’s Gamecube controller which only shipped on Friday and Blake picked up the “you have a package” slip yesterday so I’m pretty sure it’s Free People. Blake works in the city Monday and Tuesday so he can’t pick it up so my only alternative is the following:

I am going to call the post office on Monday and ask them to tell me who the package is from. If it’s Amazon, fuck it, Madison can wait until Blake’s home on Wednesday. If it’s Free People, I’m to text Madison’s cell phone and she’s going to try and pick it up after school and her friends will help her carry it home (I’m assuming it’s a large box). But the post office ladies are fucking nazis and since Madison’s name isn’t on the package, they may not let her pick it up so if that’s the case, then Madison comes home and we go back to the post office together and pick the package up and me, her and Wes will do our best to carry it home. I mean, what alternative do I have? It’s not like our town of 2000 people has a taxi service or anything and I don’t have a car. And I don’t know anyone in this town at ALL let alone anyone with a car who will help us out.

So I’m basically fucked unless I do this and I hate that.

Also I don’t even own a bag that you would put clothes in for a trip so I’m going to put my nice, clean, possibly brand new clothes in Blake’s stinky nasty yoga bag. And how I’m going to fit 5 days worth of clothes in that bag, I have no idea.

Why did I sign up for this thing again? Why do you guys always support my really really stupid ideas? (That was a joke, I appreciate the support immensely.)

Right now Blake’s doing horrible things to my phone because it’s a massive piece of shit whose only purpose in life is to PISS ME OFF. All day yesterday I tried to update the apps that say they needed updating, like Facebook for example, and the phone kept saying there wasn’t enough hard drive space to do it. I’ve moved every app I can to the SD card but it won’t let me move most of them and honestly, I only even have like, less than 10 downloaded (as opposed to the ones built into the OS that you can’t move or delete) apps on my phone and they’re all official apps too, like I use Twitter’s app for Android as opposed to TweetDeck because I think the official one is smaller.

My SD card is literally almost empty so why it keeps saying I don’t have enough space is beyond me. Also everything I’ve been reading about Android phones, because I was Googling yesterday trying to fix the fucking thing, says that they have soooooooooo much space on them blah blah blah. Well, mine doesn’t and it fucking sucks shit.

My phone is a Motorola Milestone, the one with the pull out qwerty keyboard. It is slow as fuck and there’s the obvious space issue. I hate it.

I even deleted all the music Blake put on it when I first got it to try and solve the problem but all that was on the SD card which is not where I need extra space. SO FRUSTRATING.

And then I don’t even know how to put music back on it except song by fucking song because I use iTunes and can’t find my playlists so I can put them on the phone. Intuitive my Aunt Fanny.

So yeah with all this shit I’m basically on the verge of shutting down completely. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now or for the next 3 days. I’m charging my camera’s battery so it’s fully charged for my first day of class. I have it written down to bring all my chargers, pack extra batteries for my mouse, don’t forget Gravol and enzymes, don’t forget my US money. I cleaned out my purse of all junk this morning so I’m good there if they feel like inspecting me at the border. I have my hideous passport and Blake’s insurance card. Like I said, my Squam Box is packed and I can’t think of anything else to put in it so I guess all that’s left is to pack clothes and toiletries which I can’t do right now. (Oh yeah, I did all my laundry on Thursday.)

I guess all that’s left to do is to actually read the book my teachers created because I haven’t done that yet and I’d feel like an asshole asking them to sign it when I haven’t even read the whole thing yet.

I AM SO STRESSED OUT. HOLY SHIT.

This year is Squam’s 5th anniversary so there are a whole bunch of extra things planned. I’m pretty excited about the open studio space. I’m not doing yoga so I’ll be doing that instead, especially since it’s being set up in our cabin.

Okay, I think I’m going to go make mixed CDs for the ride since I don’t have an iPod. I only have 5 blank CDs so I have to make  my song choices count. And they have to be “mom friendly”. I’m not even sure what that means exactly but they just…have to be…

Off I go!

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