Someone on Pinterest, Bella Bellini I believe, pinned this meme called “fuck yeah bipolar owl” on Tumblr and I’ve been reading it all night and reading the best ones out to Blake and posting them on twitter because for obvious reasons, a lot of them pertain to me.
On that Tumblr, they answer a lot of questions from people about bipolar disorder and someone made reference to “The Spoon Theory” so they linked to it. Well, the link was dead but I googled and found the original article. Here it is. It’s actually about a woman living with lupus but even she says that her theory could apply to anyone with a disability, especially with an invisible disability because people understand those less.
(And actually in looking back at the Tumblr, Bella actually made the meme about the spoon theory. It can be found here.)
Tomorrow my prescription for 18mg hydromorph contin runs out. I only have one pill left. I have to go down from 18mg to 12mg and that is going to really really suck. Then I have to go down from 12mg, gradually, to nothing. That is going to really really suck too because at this point, I am absolutely an addict. I’ve been on this shit for 14 months. I can tell what time it is by the amount of narcotics in my system. :o/
Tonight when Blake was done work, we went to Wal*Mart and I got some things for Squam. I got a big pink Tupperware type of storage container for all the art supplies I’ll be bringing and a 32g memory card for my camera since all I have is the 8g one it came with and that lasted me for about half of Madison’s graduation so that won’t work for a 4 day trip where I’ll probably be taking pictures a good portion of the time. Especially on the first day since I’ll be taking a class on how to use my new camera. I also got two 14 hour lipsticks, one that’s more of a darker pinky kinda colour and one that’s more of a neutral plum. The plum one is actually pretty close to my natural lip colour and I wanted it so it doesn’t scream “HELLO! I AM WEARING LIPSTICK IN THE WOODS!” while I’m at Squam so I’ll be wearing makeup but it won’t really look like I am. I wouldn’t even bother with makeup but the first day the lady teaching the class is going to be taking our “spirit portraits” and from looking at past Squam sessions there’s lots of people taking pictures so I don’t exactly want to be schlepping around the whole time.
I can’t believe Squam is one month away. When we signed up to go it felt so far away and now that it’s here I’m just…excited isn’t the word, I dunno what I am. Ready. It’s like, my life has been super planned and out of my control for so long and Squam is kinda like, the reward for going through so much hell in the past year+. (So if you helped me get here, THANK YOU!)
I don’t know what happens after Squam. I’m trying not to think about it. I’ve put the whole case worker/immersion therapy thing on hold until after Squam because Squam feels like the end of something rather than the beginning. But at the same time it’s one of those experiences where it could absolutely change my entire outlook on everything and it could be the beginning of something. It could absolutely change me, or at least my outlook on life in some way. I’m just going to have to wait and see, I guess.
My memory is crap. I blame all the psych meds for that. So I apologize if I’ve already mentioned this but I decided a couple of weeks ago that I’m not going to be doing Touched By Fire this year. (And now it feels like I’ve written that before but maybe I only thought it…) The call for entries started about 2 weeks ago and I wasn’t in any shape to start anything new and their stupid deadline is September 2nd, which is ridiculous and doesn’t give me enough time to do anything I’d be proud of so I’m not going to bother. I’m going to ask my shrink – maybe – if I can borrow “The Two Sunnies” to submit to the show because it’s the closest thing I have to their theme. I see her on the 31st so I’ll ask her then. I’m sure she’ll say yes, that she’d be honoured etc. This is “The Two Sunnies” for those who have never seen it:
I don’t like the idea of putting in sold work, I’m not really sure why though. I think it’s because it seems like a waste of time to go to the show since it’s downtown Toronto and a pain in the ass to get there and stuff for something that’s not even going to net me enough money for gas. At the same time, it’s a night out where I’m one of the guests of honour and that’s sort of fun. And I get to dress up. And Charlie will probably be in town so he might be interested in coming with us. He likes art. And I’m sure my mom would want to come again if I got in. So I guess if it’s okay with my shrink, I’ll enter that and hope I get in.
I had a painting in mind for the show that involves “The Yellow Wallpaper” that I meant to start ages ago and just never got around to and now there’s simply not enough time, especially because it would be a fairly large piece. Maybe after Squam I’ll make it anyway and just save it until next year’s Touched By Fire. They also have a website with a gallery where you can sell your paintings but I’ve never sold anything on it and to be honest, I’d be surprised if anyone else did either because the site’s practically unnavigatable (unnavitable? spellcheck says both are wrong!). They just redid it but I still don’t see an easy “buy” function. The site can be found here. I highly doubt anyone would buy the painting that I have in my head but I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t sell enough paintings to care about actually selling them anymore. (That’s partially why all of my paintings are on clearance at the moment. Honestly I’m just sick of looking at them and as I’ve mentioned previously, I have to make room for new paintings.)
I’m almost finished my latest painting, although to be perfectly frank, I’m not all that impressed with it. I posted a really crappy pic of it on Twitter the other night when I was working on it and the response was positive but I’m not happy with it. I think it’s because I used some premade elements on it that I normally would never dream of but I wanted to try something new. Madison likes her. I dunno, she just looked a lot better in my head, when I was putting all of the elements together. I’ll varnish her tomorrow if it’s not too humid (humidity makes varnish take forever to dry) and of course when she’s dry I’ll post pics and put her up on Etsy.
On Saturday night a cop came to our door and we were served with our subpoenas for Alex’s sexual assault case. We have to go to court on the 29th. ALL of us. Everyone who was at my house at the time of the assault, even Deanna and her boyfriend who were in a bedroom sleeping at the time and who live 2 hours away. They’re probably going to come over the night before and sleep over so they don’t have to get up at 5am to be in Barrie for 8:30am. The Scratching Post kids are going to come here with our friend Heatha, who was asleep at the time of the incident but who was awake when that scumbag was sitting on my couch carrying on a conversation minutes after he stuck his finger up my unconscious best friend’s ass. He is the reason we don’t allow crazy people like me to have guns in this country. As it turns out, he is also being charged with basically breech of probation because guess what? He’s up on RAPE CHARGES via his son’s mother. Jen’s trying to pinpoint when that actually went down because they obviously have mutual friends and what she’s been able to piece together is that he (I refuse to say “allegedly”) raped her a couple of weeks before he assaulted Alex. When the cops were here the morning after my party, they said he had “two similar charges”, so the rape is one, but what’s the other one? Why was this piece of shit not in custody like he is now? Obviously the judge after Alex’s incident realized that he’s likely to reoffend before his trials so he’s been in jail since it happened without the option of bail. GOOD I say. I hope he’s having the time of his life and making lots of nice, large friends in the shower. See how he likes having things put in his ass without his permission. Fucking creeper.
I’m so scared about giving testimony. What if I forget something or what if the other lawyer trips me up and makes me say the wrong thing and this fucker walks? The only thing that’s keeping me sane (and I can only imagine how Alex is feeling, she’s been live journaling a bit and she’s having a bit of a hard time with things for obvious reasons) is the fact that he has these two other “similar” charges and we know what the one is. There’s no way, especially with a public defender, that he’ll get off on all three incidents. Something has to stick. I’m scared that since Alex only saw the back of his head in the dark and none of us saw him actually do what he did that he’ll get off. The only good thing that I can think of is that Alex saw him get spooked by the rattling of our bathroom door (it was Kara) and take off through the living room, toward the front door landing which is where Kara found him a few minutes later. She made first contact (as far as we were aware at the time because we obviously didn’t know what he did to Alex yet or he wouldn’t have a face left). She asked him who the fuck he was (in those words) and he said he was there to meet Jen and that he’d been knocking for 20 minutes. Well first of all, there were people in the kitchen so if he’d have knocked, someone would have heard him, but also, if you’re knocking on a door for 20 minutes, do you THEN decide to just walk in? Or would you either go home or maybe try another door? The guy was obviously lying and the whole time he was in my office I thought maybe he was mentally challenged or something. Like Jen brought him up to me earlier in the night like to tell me that he may be coming and presented him as a would-be love interest so the whole time he was in my office, I was thinking Jen had finally smoked herself retarded because this guy was an idiot.
I don’t really know what else to say about that.
I see Dr. Hanrahan on Wednesday and hopefully she’ll give me the all clear to go swimming at Wasaga Beach and if she does, we’ll be going swimming directly from her office. I’m a little worried she might say no though because there’s a good inch long section of my scar that’s really infected. Like green and oozy and bright red. It is my belief that natural water helps infected wounds, swimming in lakes has always helped heal my infected mosquito bites, but Cheryl disagreed because “things grow in water” so maybe Hanrahan will too. I hope not though. I really really want to go swimming this summer. :o/ I did have my first real bath in 14 months yesterday though and it was pretty amazing. I used a Sunny Side bubble bar, a Kiss Me Klimt bath bomb (discontinued) and Karma soap! All by Lush.
I Wii Fatted myself yesterday or the day before and I’ve lost another 4lbs so now I weigh 118. I bought a ton of size small ribbed tank tops in a billion colours in like, 2005 or 2006 on clearance from Old Navy because they were only like $2 a piece but I never got to wear them because I went on psych meds and gained a billion lbs. But now they fit! I’m wearing a coral one right now, which I wore under my overalls when we went to Wal*Mart today.
The only other interesting things I got at Wal*Mart today were back to school supplies. Blake got the kids pretty much everything they’d need and I bought myself new pens and highlighters and erasers because they had the good white Staedtler erasers on sale for $1, which are the only kind I use. And I go through a lot of them. Couldn’t find Chapstick brand lipbalm anywhere in the store, which pissed me off because that’s like, a staple. That’s like not having milk or sugar or bread. Chapstick is everywhere! But not at Wal*Mart apparently. Boo. I had to get Blistex Lip Medex instead. Not nearly as nice as Chapstick but good for putting on before bed.
Riveting, I know.
Okay I started writing this post at like, 9pm and it’s now 3:30am so I think I’m going to hit “publish” and put my tired ass to bed.
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