Jen is still here. She’s not sure how she’s going to get home because she lives far away (like 2.5 hours away) and we don’t have the time or the money for gas to get her home unfortunately so she’s gotta figure something out. Until she does, she’s on my pull out couch in the living room which means Wes is hanging out in my office a lot watching TV (Blake is working in the living room also) and my little house is a little crazy right now!
Last night Blake and Jen shared a bottle of wine that our friend Suha brought us at our party. I forget what it was called but it had a kangaroo on the bottle and it came from, you guessed it, Australia. I thought it smelled like rubbing alcohol so I didn’t even taste it but they liked it and Jen, who is a hairdresser (stylist?), did his hair. This is the result:
Yes, Blake has cornrows. Yes, Blake has gone to the grocery store with them. Only one person even noticed but maybe he’ll have better luck when he goes back tonight after we figure out dinner.
So Jen is a vegetarian but she eats eggs and cheese. (Which I guess is the definition of a vegetarian right?) Anyway, I only know how to make meat things. What are easy and non disgusting vegetarian things that 5 people can eat for relatively cheap? Oh and it CANNOT contain peppers because they are disgusting. Last night we had macaroni noodles with spaghetti sauce and a little bit of mozzarella cheese on top which was pretty good and pretty filling. I need something like that. Actually maybe we’ll have grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. GOOD IDEA, BRAIN!
Right now Madison is making everyone egg and cheese sandwiches on everything bagels because she makes them really really well and they’re easy and fast and good and cheap.
It’s so surreal to be subsisting on so little money right now and in like, 2 weeks I’m going to $1200 art camp.
Earlier today I was working on a new technique on canvas while wearing my overalls, like in the pictures above. Overalls with dark green tank top underneath. I have about a million of these tank tops in every colour and this is the outfit of choice when I’m going somewhere other than the grocery store and sometimes Barrie.
So I was thinking about Squam, because it’s been on my mind, and what clothes I should bring with me. I’m going to be there 5 days. I don’t see any reason why, if I keep them clean (and that definition is up to me, paint doesn’t count), I can’t wear my overalls the whole time, when I’m not in pajamas. Of course I’ll bring backup clothes in case I get muddy in the woods or I rip my overalls or whatever. Charlie offered to buy me a Squam wardrobe but I’ve been thinking about it and it’s not a fashion show. I mean, maybe it is for some women, but I’m there to learn how to use my camera and listen to an artist whose work I respect. Both of the women I’ll be learning from created a book that I really enjoyed reading. It’s not my techniques or aesthetic, but I get the appeal. And I think I can learn something.
Also, on the materials list for my second day class, where we’ll be painting the whole time, it says to bring an apron. Well I bought an apron and then my mom bought me another one and while I kinda enjoyed painting with abandon and getting messy, I wasn’t really a fan of what I created. So I don’t think I need one and if I get paint on my overalls, so what? I’m an artist – taking an art class! – , why should I be worried about being immaculate? I have paint on my hands constantly! (And yes I wash my hands but acrylics can be stubborn bitches and I just don’t have time to win the fight.)
I dunno, I just *love* my overalls. Charlie got them from this vintage website that I think Madison originally found and they’re from the 60s and they are perfect and I just love them! So what’s wrong with basically living in them? It’s not like I have anyone to impress. And they do get washed regularly (when I’m just bumming around the house, I wear black yoga pants and a t-shirt or a tank top, nothing fancy.) so it’s not like they’re dirty.
So yeah, fuck the establishment, I’m totally wearing my overalls the majority of the time I’m at Squam! *waves the finger fiercely at no one in particular*
I’ve been thinking about Squam because obviously it’s coming up and predictably I’m starting to freak out about it. I got an e-mail from my first day’s teacher, Thea Coughlin, saying that I had to know how to do the following within the next 2 weeks:
1. Set your camera to Aperture Priority mode and change the aperture setting. – check!
2. Set your camera to Shutter Priority mode and change the shutter speed. – check!
3. Set your camera to Manual mode and change the ISO, aperture and shutter speed in manual mode. – I’m nooooot sure. I don’t think so, but I’m sure I can figure it out pretty quickly.
So that’s my “first contact” of Squam people so far. I’m betting there’s going to be more e-mails to build the excitement, which I’m actually looking forward to because I want to be excited about it. Or more excited than I already am, which is a lot.
And I really want to thank everyone who helped me get there. I’m glad you all didn’t think I was an asshole for asking for help! I’ve been getting all of my Camwhores cheques cashed in US finds as a way to save money for Squam myself. I can’t spend US money just like, “out in the world”, people either won’t take it or they’ll rip you off as far as the actual exchange rate so I pretty much can’t spend it. And I figure I’m going to be spending most of my money in the US so it just made sense to have US money. I can’t save money to save my life, so this was just a good way for me to do it. And I have one more Canadian paycheque right before Squam, so there’s my Canadian money for when we’re still in the country. As long as I don’t do anything really stupid, I should be fine. One of my major phobias on long trips is having enough money to get myself out of shit in case somehow shit hit the fan and I was stranded. Because that actually happened a long time ago on a trip back from NY with Madison who had a screaming ear infection and I had to stay in a seedy motel with only Pizza Hut to eat because it was the only thing that delivered while the local GM dealer took their time fixing my car. It was terrible and if I didn’t have my boyfriend’s credit card on me I would have been totally fucked. With a toddler. Money may not buy happiness but it sure helps when you’d be otherwise pretty much fucked.
Anyway…I feel good in my overalls and Squam, I think, is about feeling good, so thank you for helping me feel good after 14 months of pure and utter hell! I’ve tried to keep things positive around here during this time but I wasn’t entirely honest all the time. When my guts were everywhere and it looked like I was either really fat or that I was really pregnant, I was really depressed. And now that that’s fixed and I only have a little bit of a tummy that’s just there, I can’t help it, so I’m okay with it, it feels like I have a second chance at life. I get to re-enter the world.
As soon as my stomach isn’t in as much pain, I’m going to start working with a caseworker named Rick and we’re going to *slowly* start immersion therapy. And I’m terrified, but at the same time, I almost died, and now I kinda get the value of life a little more. 14 months is a blip in the span of the 80+ years I hope to live and I’ve been giving a lot of thought about the way I want to live the rest of my life and Squam is like the beginning of that. I don’t know if there’s going to be much of an outward change (aside from the fact that Dr. Hanrahan said my belly is going to change a lot in the next 8 months as things settle) but I know there’s change to come. It’s scary but exciting.
The big goal of immersion therapy is going to be being able to take a cab, all by myself, from my house to the mental health centre and to hopefully get good enough at doing that then I could theoretically take a cognitive behavioral therapy group class there. That’s really long term though and when I had my first meeting with Rick, I don’t think he understood how fucked up I am when it comes to leaving my house. (Well, and a lot of other things, but mostly that.)
I have to see my shrink in another couple of hours and I don’t know what to talk to her about. I mean, obviously we’re going to tell her about all the things that have happened since we saw her last, which is pretty much the party and Alex’s rape. And Squam. She’s probably going to want to see me after Squam. I guess those are all pretty heavy topics. :o/
I printed her out this picture of Hannibal Lecter that says “I paid my psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. That way we can skip the sessions and she can just send me the pills.” I don’t know if she’ll laugh or be offended. *I* think it’s funny, especially because I only see my shrink every 3 months and she just pretty much listens and writes prescriptions. Honestly I just think she thinks I’m interesting and that’s why she keeps me around. Oh and I have to ask her if I can borrow the painting I gave her if I enter it in Touched By Fire. I can’t forget to ask her that.
I guess that’s all that’s in my brain right now so I hope you enjoyed reading my babble. Perhaps I’ll write more tomorrow. :o)
PS. Blake sent me this from Post Secret on Sunday and I thought it was funny:
Okay that is all.
Oh wait, one more thing! Madison is obsessed with this godawful vest that’s in an antique store in town for $75. check this thing out (click the picture to enlarge):
This is ALL she wants for Xmas and she claims she will wear it everywhere.
I figure if I can live in overalls, she can live in this really ugly, sequinned vest.
I mean, it was handmade, it really is sort of a work of art…