August 31, 2012

I See Scared (Old) People.

Posted at 6:35 pm in: Politics , USA

The 2nd Best Part of Midland, Ontario.

This is where you get giant “Turkey Time” sandwiches, like this:

And they have the best pasta salad on planet Earth but I’m too lazy to take a picture of it. I think it’s basically pasta and homemade mayo with maybe some paprika thrown in. They use big shell noodles and penne all mixed together and it is fantastic.

So that’s what I’m having for dinner tonight.

Posted at 4:28 pm in: Food , Summer , Sunnyland

Why Hello There, Friends.

Jen is still here. She’s not sure how she’s going to get home because she lives far away (like 2.5 hours away) and we don’t have the time or the money for gas to get her home unfortunately so she’s gotta figure something out. Until she does, she’s on my pull out couch in the living room which means Wes is hanging out in my office a lot watching TV (Blake is working in the living room also) and my little house is a little crazy right now!

Last night Blake and Jen shared a bottle of wine that our friend Suha brought us at our party. I forget what it was called but it had a kangaroo on the bottle and it came from, you guessed it, Australia. I thought it smelled like rubbing alcohol so I didn’t even taste it but they liked it and Jen, who is a hairdresser (stylist?),  did his hair. This is the result:

Yes, Blake has cornrows. Yes, Blake has gone to the grocery store with them. Only one person even noticed but maybe he’ll have better luck when he goes back tonight after we figure out dinner.

So Jen is a vegetarian but she eats eggs and cheese. (Which I guess is the definition of a vegetarian right?) Anyway, I only know how to make meat things. What are easy and non disgusting vegetarian things that 5 people can eat for relatively cheap? Oh and it CANNOT contain peppers because they are disgusting. Last night we had macaroni noodles with spaghetti sauce and a little bit of mozzarella cheese on top which was pretty good and pretty filling. I need something like that. Actually maybe we’ll have grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. GOOD IDEA, BRAIN!

Right now Madison is making everyone egg and cheese sandwiches on everything bagels because she makes them really really well and they’re easy and fast and good and cheap.

It’s so surreal to be subsisting on so little money right now and in like, 2 weeks I’m going to $1200 art camp.

Earlier today I was working on a new technique on canvas while wearing my overalls, like in the pictures above. Overalls with dark green tank top underneath. I have about a million of these tank tops in every colour and this is the outfit of choice when I’m going somewhere other than the grocery store and sometimes Barrie.

So I was thinking about Squam, because it’s been on my mind, and what clothes I should bring with me. I’m going to be there 5 days. I don’t see any reason why, if I keep them clean (and that definition is up to me, paint doesn’t count), I can’t wear my overalls the whole time, when I’m not in pajamas. Of course I’ll bring backup clothes in case I get muddy in the woods or I rip my overalls or whatever. Charlie offered to buy me a Squam wardrobe but I’ve been thinking about it and it’s not a fashion show. I mean, maybe it is for some women, but I’m there to learn how to use my camera and listen to an artist whose work I respect. Both of the women I’ll be learning from created a book that I really enjoyed reading. It’s not my techniques or aesthetic, but I get the appeal. And I think I can learn something.

Also, on the materials list for my second day class, where we’ll be painting the whole time, it says to bring an apron. Well I bought an apron and then my mom bought me another one and while I kinda enjoyed painting with abandon and getting messy, I wasn’t really a fan of what I created. So I don’t think I need one and if I get paint on my overalls, so what? I’m an artist – taking an art class! – , why should I be worried about being immaculate? I have paint on my hands constantly! (And yes I wash my hands but acrylics can be stubborn bitches and I just don’t have time to win the fight.)

I dunno, I just *love* my overalls. Charlie got them from this vintage website that I think Madison originally found and they’re from the 60s and they are perfect and I just love them! So what’s wrong with basically living in them? It’s not like I have anyone to impress. And they do get washed regularly (when I’m just bumming around the house, I wear black yoga pants and a t-shirt or a tank top, nothing fancy.) so it’s not like they’re dirty.

So yeah, fuck the establishment, I’m totally wearing my overalls the majority of the time I’m at Squam! *waves the finger fiercely at no one in particular*

I’ve been thinking about Squam because obviously it’s coming up and predictably I’m starting to freak out about it. I got an e-mail from my first day’s teacher, Thea Coughlin, saying that I had to know how to do the following within the next 2 weeks:

1. Set your camera to Aperture Priority mode and change the aperture setting. – check!
2. Set your camera to Shutter Priority mode and change the shutter speed. – check!
3. Set your camera to Manual mode and change the ISO, aperture and shutter speed in manual mode. – I’m nooooot sure. I don’t think so, but I’m sure I can figure it out pretty quickly.

So that’s my “first contact” of Squam people so far. I’m betting there’s going to be more e-mails to build the excitement, which I’m actually looking forward to because I want to be excited about it. Or more excited than I already am, which is a lot.

And I really want to thank everyone who helped me get there. I’m glad you all didn’t think I was an asshole for asking for help! I’ve been getting all of my Camwhores cheques cashed in US finds as a way to save money for Squam myself. I can’t spend US money just like, “out in the world”, people either won’t take it or they’ll rip you off as far as the actual exchange rate so I pretty much can’t spend it. And I figure I’m going to be spending most of my money in the US so it just made sense to have US money. I can’t save money to save my life, so this was just a good way for me to do it. And I have one more Canadian paycheque right before Squam, so there’s my Canadian money for when we’re still in the country. As long as I don’t do anything really stupid, I should be fine. One of my major phobias on long trips is having enough money to get myself out of shit in case somehow shit hit the fan and I was stranded. Because that actually happened a long time ago on a trip back from NY with Madison who had a screaming ear infection and I had to stay in a seedy motel with only Pizza Hut to eat because it was the only thing that delivered while the local GM dealer took their time fixing my car. It was terrible and if I didn’t have my boyfriend’s credit card on me I would have been totally fucked. With a toddler. Money may not buy happiness but it sure helps when you’d be otherwise pretty much fucked.

Anyway…I feel good in my overalls and Squam, I think, is about feeling good, so thank you for helping me feel good after 14 months of pure and utter hell! I’ve tried to keep things positive around here during this time but I wasn’t entirely honest all the time.  When my guts were everywhere and it looked like I was either really fat or that I was really pregnant, I was really depressed. And now that that’s fixed and I only have a little bit of a tummy that’s just there, I can’t help it, so I’m okay with it, it feels like I have a second chance at life. I get to re-enter the world.

As soon as my stomach isn’t in as much pain, I’m going to start working with a caseworker named Rick and we’re going to *slowly* start immersion therapy. And I’m terrified, but at the same time, I almost died, and now I kinda get the value of life a little more. 14 months is a blip in the span of the 80+ years I hope to live and I’ve been giving a lot of thought about the way I want to live the rest of my life and Squam is like the beginning of that. I don’t know if there’s going to be much of an outward change (aside from the fact that Dr. Hanrahan said my belly is going to change a lot in the next 8 months as things settle) but I know there’s change to come. It’s scary but exciting.

The big goal of immersion therapy is going to be being able to take a cab, all by myself, from my house to the mental health centre and to hopefully get good enough at doing that then I could theoretically take a cognitive behavioral therapy group class there. That’s really long term though and when I had my first meeting with Rick, I don’t think he understood how fucked up I am when it comes to leaving my house. (Well, and a lot of other things, but mostly that.)

I have to see my shrink in another couple of hours and I don’t know what to talk to her about. I mean, obviously we’re going to tell her about all the things that have happened since we saw her last, which is pretty much the party and Alex’s rape. And Squam. She’s probably going to want to see me after Squam. I guess those are all pretty heavy topics. :o/

I printed her out this picture of Hannibal Lecter that says “I paid my psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. That way we can skip the sessions and she can just send me the pills.” I don’t know if she’ll laugh or be offended. *I* think it’s funny, especially because I only see my shrink every 3 months and she just pretty much listens and writes prescriptions. Honestly I just think she thinks I’m interesting and that’s why she keeps me around. Oh and I have to ask her if I can borrow the painting I gave her if I enter it in Touched By Fire. I can’t forget to ask her that.

I guess that’s all that’s in my brain right now so I hope you enjoyed reading my babble. Perhaps I’ll write more tomorrow. :o)

PS. Blake sent me this from Post Secret on Sunday and I thought it was funny:

Okay that is all.

Oh wait, one more thing! Madison is obsessed with this godawful vest that’s in an antique store in town for $75. check this thing out (click the picture to enlarge):

This is ALL she wants for Xmas and she claims she will wear it everywhere.
I figure if I can live in overalls, she can live in this really ugly, sequinned vest.
I mean, it was handmade, it really is sort of a work of art…

August 30, 2012

Correction: He’s Just Not Innocent

So I don’t know if any of you say Blake and Alex’s comments on my Live Journal post yesterday, but this is what they said about BJ Henderson, rapist from Elmvale, Ontario, getting off on Alex’s sexual assault charge:

“I just wanted to clarify for everyone that the case wasn’t thrown out. What happened was that the crown attorney reviewed the case with Lexi and Ronny and realized that there was no chance of getting a conviction, so they withdrew the charges. What this means is that there won’t be a judge stating that he is innocent. The evidence is completely circumstantial. Not even Lexi got a good look at him when it happened. And by stating that he came into the house without anyone noticing and did this unobserved basically proves that anyone can come into the house without anyone noticing and do this unobserved. The reality is that everyone KNOWS who did it, but it can’t be proven. It’s really sucks ass, but that’s how it works.” – Blake

I was not in that conversation when it happened. Or if I was my mind was blanking on the fact that we lost.

This is what Alex said in response to Blake’s comment:

“Yep, this. And yeah, the judge had nothing to do with the decision, it was the crown attorney who didn’t think it would be a wise move to proceed. It still sucks but I’d rather it be this way than have it declared that he’s innocent when he really fucking isn’t.

And on the sort of plus side, at least I didn’t have to sit in front of the asshole and testify for nothing. Sitting in that court room was one of the things I’ve been dreading the most since it happened. I obviously still would have done it if I had to, but I’m honestly sort of relieved I didn’t have to live through that. At least there’s record of it, I guess.

The thing that does suck the most is if/when this happens again to someone else. But hopefully, being such a small town where word can travel fast, it can still be avoided. :o/ ” – Alex

I don’t really know anyone in this town, to be perfectly honest, but we told the dentist that we’d been subpoenaed and if the ladies there ask me why when I see them next and they more than likely will, I’m going to flat out tell them. And it’ll go from there, believe me.  This is a very small town.

Plus there’s the fact that every time I tell people this story online, and I’m going to, there’s a new witness to his crime. And whether or not that matters to you, it matters to me. And it gives me satisfaction and it perfectly legal too. Am I worried he’s going to sue me? HELL NO. The cop said, “They know he’s a rapist, we know he’s a rapist and you know he’s a rapist but…” when he was explaining what happened in the courtroom so if he’s using that word to describe BJ Henderson who is the person we’re talking about here, then I have no problem with it either. He was never declared innocent. We just couldn’t prove it without a shadow of a doubt. Which is ridiculous, but it’s the way things work so innocent people don’t also go to jail. We knew he wasn’t innocent, because he’s a rapist, all parties involved, so Alex withdrew the charges as not to have the judge have no other choice but to deterimine he was innocent according to the laws of Ontario, Canada.

But it is on record. When the cops run his plates if he’s ever speeding and they pull him over and pull him up in their computers, there’s going to be a record of a rape charge. Or something like that, I don’t know the legal wording. But it’ll be there on his criminal record. If a girl ever accuses him of rape again, he’ll have to be in police custody again until the hearing because obviously he has a problem controlling himself in public, just as he was during this whole ordeal.

Someone on Facebook who was angry and shouldn’t have said this, but I understand the inclination to let your mind “go there”, said something like, “Maybe CAS should know what “daddy” does in his spare time?” CAS is the underfunded Children’s Aid Society and they are Ontario’s version of CPS or whatever your underfunded state child welfare group happens to be. And that would be a terrible thing because you don’t know what’s going on in his family right now because of this. I mean, they know this is not the first time he’s been charged with this. “They” being his parents, who he lives with with his 6 year old son. “They” also being his son’s mother who has been described to me as an “oxy-head” but in my mind, an “oxy-head” would be better than a rapist, but that’s just me.

Anyway, maybe they can handle what’s in the best interest of the child? And then if they can’t? Let the mother or the grandparents of this child call CAS themselves. “We” should not get involved with that. Yes, BJ without his son would apparently be “heartbroken” but so what? Not our problem. Good. I say. And yes his son without BJ would also be “heartbroken” but kids adapt. And we don’t know if his parents might kick him out but keep the kid or maybe this will be the thing that gets the mom custody, we don’t know. And yeah, maybe things will stay as they were before all this, we don’t know, but still it’s none of our business and we don’t know what’s in the best interest of the child. And you don’t use a child as a weapon.

At the same time, I’ve been thinking about it since that comment was made and I’m betting CAS is already involved if he had sole custody but was in jail. They would have checked in to make sure the kid was being cared for and stuff.

Another thing that is none of our business is the other 2 rape charges he’s up against. Alex doesn’t want to hear about them or talk about them, so I’m not going to post about them. I’m going to keep my hear to the ground and hopefully hear the details but I won’t be posting about them or telling Alex about them unless she asks. Those women and victims too and they deserve their privacy. We can freely talk about Alex’s case because she’s fine with that she said, but we have no business talking about their cases in a public forum.

So I’m not gonna without permission.

I think we’re all just glad it’s over. Now it’s time to move on. I know that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but I’m still just in this total daze right now. I see my shrink tomorrow, for the first time in a long time, and I think we have some things to talk about.

And that’s all I really wanted to say.

August 29, 2012

We Lost.

We all got there at 8:30am and waited around outside for the cop (Scott) who was the same cop who took all our statements when the assault actually happened, to tell us it was time to go into the courtroom. So after about an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours, he said it was time, so we went downstairs in the courthouse and waited on chairs and benches  outside of courtroom 7, which was where the hearing was to take place.

Eventually Ronny and Alex were called into the courtroom and they were in there for maybe 10 or 15 minutes and then they came out with Scott. We all huddled in front of the courtroom and Scott explained that the judge threw the case out due to lack of evidence and lack of witnesses. No one saw BJ Henderson actually assault Alex and there was reasonable doubt that it could have been some OTHER stranger who came into our house and did it. Because yeah, that’s totally fucking plausible.

So that’s the end of it. We lost. None of us even testified.

Alex and Ronny were invited to stay while they sentenced him on the breech of probation charge, but they declined and that’s when they and Scott came out to where we were. I can’t imagine they’ll give him more probation for breeching probation so I’d assume he’ll be spending more time in jail for that.

After court we were all a bit of a mess, but we went to Fran’s, which is a big diner, and we all had breakfasty type foods and talked about pretty much everything but the trial that never was. Alex and I shared a strawberry margarita. I had steak and eggs.

BJ Henderson is supposedly up for at least 2 other charges of rape and I hope with every fiber of my being that those girls nail his ass to the wall. We  We know who one is, we don’t know who the other one is. Jen has her ear to the ground though and we should know the outcome of those cases as they happen.

After Fran’s, Blake and Jen and I went to the Kozlov Centre to pick up my new glasses (just new lenses in old frames) and have them adjusted meanwhile, Deanna and Lucas went back to our house to get their stuff packed up and ready to go by the time we got there. Plus they wanted to hang out a bit.

Oh yeah, Jen & I went into a photo booth. Note my stupid “bangs” that happened as a result of all my hair falling out last year when I was really sick and this is what happens when it starts growing back:

When we got home, Deanna happened to mention that she’d brought her bathing suit and I had a shower yesterday (and changed my dressing all by myself, thank you very much) and my “wound” is totally closed over so while Cheryl hasn’t technically cleared me for swimming, I was 99% sure it was okay so Deanna, Jen, me and the kids all went to Wasaga Beach.

It was cold though. And windy. And I didn’t understand the parking ticket machine so I accidentally paid for a whole day’s parking ($14) instead of a 2 hour pass ($5.25) which sucks because I only have like, $30 to my name. I felt horrible being there and thinking about Alex all by herself at home probably really upset about what happened today and Ronny worked last night so he had to go to bed pretty much right when they got home because he was dead on his feet at the courthouse so Alex would be dealing with all this alone (in my head, anyway, I don’t know what the reality was) and I just couldn’t enjoy myself there thinking my best friend was in pain.

So after about an hour, with only about 5 minutes of that being me actually in the water, we came home. Then Deanna and Lucas went home and now here I sit.

Oh and that’s the other thing about court: the restraining order. All of us are on it and Ronny had the forethought to add my kids to the list too. If BJ Henderson, rapist, comes within X amount of feet of us, he goes to jail. Adding the kids was extra important, moreso than Ronny even realized, because all last year, my kids walked home with him and his son Logan, who is in kindergarten and they all became friends. Madison made the connection when I showed the kids his Facebook page to tell them to stay away from this man because he’s dangerous and really hurt Alex. Madison maintains he’s a really good dad, or at least she did at the time. Who knows what he’s teaching his kid behind closed doors though.

So that was our “day of justice”. I’ve taken 2 klonopin today, as well as 6 Ativan and I’m still a wreck. (My “norm” is one klonopin at bedtime and 2 Ativan like, maybe once a week before a work meeting or something. Which I happen to have tomorrow. Joy.)

Anyway, I think Jen’s going to be staying with us for the next few days, so that’ll be good. It’ll be nice to have a friend around.

And that’s all I have in me today. I hope your day was better than ours.

August 28, 2012

We go to court tomorrow morning.

For those new to my blog, this is why. The only thing I really have to add to my original post is that he’s been in police custody since it happened and that he’s up on 2 other prior rape charges. If we don’t put him in jail, one of those women will. There’s no way he can be that lucky. The other charge he’s being charged with in our case is basically breech of probation for being at our house at 5am. And that one’s indisputable so at least he’ll probably serve some time for that. Oh and he was on probation to begin with because he was charged with sexual assault a third time.

Tonight Jen, Diego, Deanna and Lucas are sleeping over because they don’t live here. Ronny and Alex live in Barrie so they’re right near the courthouse, relatively speaking. Kara and Heatha are driving in from the city in the morning. Unfortunately I have to get up at 4am to work until 8am. :o/ Then out the door by 8:30am to be at the courthouse by 9am.

So yeah…pass the Klonopin and Ativan.

Posted at 5:59 pm in: Alex , Anniversary , Blake , Deanna , Diego , Friends , Heatha , Jen , Kara , Ronny , Summer , Sunnyland

Sub-Par Photos, But Here They Are

I tried taking pictures of the chrysalids today but I didn’t do the best job. It’s really sunny out but not in the front of the house where I was taking pics and fighting against the wind because I was so scared the wind would catch the top of the tank and it would fall and the chrysalids would come detached from the top of the lid so I got paranoid and came inside where the light wasn’t much better.

The one on the left (which is actually the middle one) was the first to change and you can see that he’s progressing faster than the other two. In  a few days, the chrysalis will turn transparent (it’ll look black) and a couple of days after that, the butterfly will emerge.

He’s in there. Rearranging his guts.

I had moved them to the living room windowsill for the time being because I’d been splatter painting, but I’m done now and ready to watch them every waking moment. Pics as they develop!

Posted at 2:22 pm in: Animals , Fall , Summer , Sunnyland
August 27, 2012

Something a Little More…Fluffy.

So remember back in JUNE when I said Madison was working on a post for my site about her grade 8 graduation? Well, she decided not to do it, basically because she’s lazy. I’m lazy too and can no longer recall the particulars so I’ll just post the pics instead:

Madison and my mom.
I know this pic looks staged, but it honestly wasn’t.
I forget what they were laughing about.

Recreating MY grade 8 grad pics.
Look closely…

 My babies.

A closer look at Madison’s hair, done by our friend Jen.

Blake and Madison.

Madison getting into the limo.

Her corsage.

Getting her diploma.
She reminds me so much of my brother in this pic.
It’s just her facial expression that’s exactly like him.
She’s just like “yup, we’re doing this”.

Wardrobe change!
Dress #2 (long story…)
Note the Docs, which were her graduation present from us.
(Hey Kara! Note the collar! That’s the same one you gave her when she was 3!)

I like this pic. :o)

Father/Daughter dance.

Her first “dip”!

Me looking fat & gross & not wanting to be photographed.
For the record, I am now 20 lbs lighter than I was in this picture!

 To see ALL the pics (or at least the ones I could put online, I didn’t put up all the ones with her friends because I didn’t have permission from their parents), click here!

Like I said months ago, grade 8 graduation is a BIG DEAL where we live. Limos and fancy dresses are the norm, a corsage is a must, the event is catered (lightly) and the ceremony long. I’ve never heard of a girl having two dresses though and that was not my doing. If you want to scream “privilege” at me, feel free, but what happened was a mix up when ordering dresses so she ended up with two. She liked the second one, so she decided to wear them both. I didn’t get a picture of the back of the black dress but it was laced up the back with a giant bow at the bottom, like on her butt.

So that was grade 8 graduation.

Posted at 11:13 am in: Misc.

So Many Thoughts…

Today Blake took me to see The Dark Knight Rises and he bought me popcorn (WITH  butter!), a giant drink and almond M&Ms because they came with the combo (I’m not a fan). Originally I was going to have to pay for my own drink, which would have been $4 – wait, hold up, I’m forgetting something important: today we were supposed to go to the Picasso exhibit in Toronto but admission was $25 EACH and then you had to rent this audio device for $5 EACH and my friend Mike, who went yesterday, warned me ahead of time that it was crazy crowded and being the last day of the show, I figured it would be in my best interest to avoid it, as much as I wanted to see it. I’m really disappointed that we didn’t go, but at the same time, I only had $60 to my name until I get paid in 2 weeks and I had to pay for Blake too, so that was the ultimate deciding factor.

Anyway, Blake said he’d buy my ticket and a medium popcorn (WITH BUTTER!) but I had to buy my own drink. Well, something many people don’t know about me is that I *have* to have a drink within reach at all times. To me there is absolutely nothing worse than being thirsty and I go to extreme lengths to avoid that particular discomfort so going to the movies and not having a drink would be unthinkable, particularly when there was salty popcorn involved, so my options were to buy a $4 pop or bring a can of diet Coke from home. Because that’s what we had. I only had $60 to my name and I had to buy things still for Squam so I asked on Facebook if anyone had ever snuck anything to a movie theatre because I never had and the overwhelming response was “yes” and that I should definitely do it. The problem was that I only had cans and I was afraid of two things: a) getting caught because of the sound of opening one and b) people in the theatre hearing me and thinking I was as ghetto as I was being. In the end, I just couldn’t do it because I would be mortified if discovered and then when I was reserved to spending 4 whole dollars on a drink, Blake surprised me with the combo he got – on him. So yay for Blake!

And just as an aside to this rambly rambly post, I totally cried at fucking Batman. I cannot even believe what an emotional wreck I am. I cry at the drop of a hat, I can’t control it and it is completely embarrassing. Also not that anyone cares about this non-fangirl’s opinion, I’m going to give it to you anyway: I think it was a really good end to this reboot. My only beef was that Bane (Bain?) was such a meathead. I just didn’t buy him as someone trained by the League of Shadows and the mastermind orchestrating the whole thing (NO SPOILERS FROM THIS GIRL! YOU’RE WELCOME!). Blake said that in the comics he was like that though so shows what I know. I just didn’t like him. I *did* love Scarecrow as the “judge” though. Cillian Murphy is so handsome. And that’s my thoughts on Batman.


August 26, 2012

The “upside” of ugly?

Thanks Jax, for the link.

Would you let your teen have plastic surgery? Do you think “anger” is the answer to changing our misogynistic culture? Do you believe self-esteem being the answer is a myth?

I honestly don’t know how I feel. I mean, I know I wouldn’t let Madison get plastic surgery and even if she were an adult, I would strongly try to talk her out of it. I think plastic surgery has its place, like for burn victims and stuff, not for totally normal looking people. I know some of the girls on Camwhores have boob jobs and that’s none of my business on a personal level, but in general I wish they were never invented.

What are your thoughts?

Posted at 8:11 pm in: Feminism , Summer , Women

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