July 30, 2012

Drain You

So I’m now drainless and stapleless and guess what! I have it all recorded! But first, here’s a video of Blake emptying my drains before bed on Saturday night because I cannot deal with “old” fluids like, evaporating back up the tube and into my body or something and thus I cannot sleep without the drains being empty.

So here’s Blake emptying the drains. YUMMAY!:

Yep, those were my fluids that came out of my body. Yep, we absolutely did get some on us but NOTHING compared to the other night when Bake was doing it at my desk for the first time and he squirted bloody fluid like, EVERYWHERE. All over my face, my eyes, my hair, my computer screen – just all over everything. And of course, I start laughing, which is just hell on earth, and I couldn’t stop, which made it worse. Ugh.

Anyway, today was Cheryl day and since my drains were putting out less than 30cc (or mL? I dunno, are they the same thing?) of fluid in 48 hours, it was time to take them out.

There are actually TWO videos; one for the right drain, which is only like, 2 & a half minutes long. Then there’s the 14 minute one where Cheryl takes out the left one and my staples but I think that one’s boring and Blake needs the internets right now to work and they can’t be slowed down by uploading and stuff so I”m just going to upload the first one and if you guys really want to see the second one, I’ll upload it later tonight and post it in the comments or something.  That is, if you want it, I don’t care either way, personally. It’s just me crying and swearing.

Without further ado, here’s the first video:

The drains coming out were weird weird weird. They went in a LOT further than I thought they were going to be and the first one fucking HURT LIKE HELL. And it made me feel sick (I still feel sick) because you can feel this long *thing* slithering around in your guts as it gets pulled out and it is a really freaky feeling.

So yeah, that was my Monday. Drains, sleeping, the movie Kids With Friends (weird movie, I don’t think I liked it). Next up: macaroni and cheese (not Kraft Dinner, the real deal) and probably another movie because we downloaded a ton yesterday. And then just praying that my guts don’t explode now that I don’t have staples holding them together. I still have to wear a binder until Dr. Hanrahan says it’s okay not to and honestly, I’m scared to look at my scar now that it’s been “open” for like, 10 hours now and I’ve slept on it and I’ve stretched a little here & there because now I can and I don’t have these giant silicone testicles hanging from my waistband to hinder me any longer.

But the thing is, I feel like shit. My guts feel like shit. Have you ever truly winced? Like watching a movie where you wince, where your face shrivels up and you sort of feel sick to your stomach in a low kind of way not unlike the feeling you get when you go over hills on dirt roads really fast in a nice car and you think, for a split second, like you are on the verge of pure and utter catastrophe, no matter how small? My stomach is in a constant state of that because I have seen my guts – hell, YOU have probably seen my guts – and I don’t want to see them again so this binder isn’t coming off without medical necessity. Like, Cheryl says she’s coming back tomorrow to look at the drain holes and the scar so I’ll take the binder off then and look. After that though, I dunno.  I don’t think I’m ever going to want to see myself naked ever again. Blake and Cheryl swear that this is not the shape I’m going to end up being because I’m carrying all this extra fluid but I feel like such a fat cow because while I agree, it IS going away little by little, I can’t help but wonder how *much* of it is fluid and how much of it is my guts that they couldn’t fit back inside my body cavity.

HO HO! I hear the oven timer! That means dinner is fast approaching and I told Blake I’d be ready to watch another movie by the time food was ready and I still have to post this over at Camwhores, sooooo peace oot!

July 27, 2012

Look! Regardez!

This is a plastic Hole barrette which were given away during their 1995 summer tour (maybe other times, I dunno, I just know I got mine at Lollapalooza ’95). Needless to say, I had one, it went missing (like, ages ago, back when I was a nomad) and I would pay a ridiculous amount of money for one should one be located. I believe they also came in blue.

I doubt any of you have one (and if you did, I’d certainly never ask anyone to part with such a valuable item) but if you’re ever out and about at a thrift store or something and you see one, for the love of kittens, GRAB IT.

I only have two other things to mention:

1. We just finished watching the very last Doctor Who Xmas special which I love love loved and then they SHIT ON IT RIGHT AT THE VERY END. I want to YELL MORE THINGS but I don’t want to SPOIL anything!

2. Okay so at the opening ceremony of the Olympics this afternoon, during the 70’s portion of the music segment, we distinctly heard the TARDIS sound but that was it for the Doctor? HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FUCKING TORCH LIGHTER PERSON!!!!

And now, I sleep.

[NSFW] And I thought I had it rough.



Since I’ve been home, I’ve had a ton of people compare my surgery to a c-section for various reasons, mostly to do with staples, which is fine, I get the comparison, but I did want to set the record straight in that staples are the only similarity.  With a c-section, the surgeon cuts with the muscles, with the “grain” so to speak. It’s also a much smaller incision. With my surgery, they cut across all my stomach muscles and further to that, they did like, I dunno, it’s hard to explain but I know they made incisions in my muscles on the sides like underneath the skin, so they could pull the skin tighter which is partially why I’m in so much pain. I mean, if you’ve ever pulled a muscle, you know how much that hurts, now picture pulling every muscle in your abdomen and that’s about where I’m at right now. A c-section is considered minor surgery. Mine is considered major surgery. That’s why I was in the “step down” ICU most of the time I was at the hospital.

I’m also retaining about 8lbs of fluid according to Wii Fat. They weighed me the day of surgery and I was almost exactly 130 lbs (woot!) and right now I’m 138 lbs and my middle and butt and thighs all look HUGE because of the fluid I’m retaining. This falls unto WAY TMI territory, I know, but even my labia are swollen. My outer labia are like, hard and the size of golf balls. I freaked Blake out last night by shoving his hand down my pants and making him feel them haha He was just like, “that’s great, hun”.

This morning Cheryl changed my dressing and Blake took pics. Voila!

This drain’s a little weepy and green because it was under a pad for a few days and we didn’t have anything to change it with yet. Cheryl just wiped off the goo and rebandaged it. It should be fine (but it freaks me out because um, hi, that’s a giant HOLE in my body oozing green crap).

This one has a dressing on it from surgery that we’re just leaving.

My bellybutton looks pretty messed up. Honestly I wish they’d have just gotten rid of it rather than leaving me with…that. Whatever. I haven’t had a chance to really examine it but I think my piercing is still viable so that’s a plus. Even if it’s not, I’ll just do it again.

I am COVERED in sticky crap! Sticky crap from all the tape they put on me for IVs and heart monitors etc. When I came home, I put on a grey t-shirt and now all the sticky stuff has turned grey from t-shirt fluff so I look totally dirty right now and I can’t even shower. Blake’s going to help me out after work though. We have these little wipes called “Remove” that Siske ordered for us a long time ago and they remove sticky medical tape crap. They smell awful, like bug spray or something, but they work.

Last night I went without painkillers and woke up this morning in absolute agony. Up until last night, Blake/nurses were waking me up twice a night to take painkillers so I wouldn’t wake up in agony but my doctor won’t prescribe any more pain meds because she says my pain should be subsiding. It is, in some ways, but in other ways it’s staying the same. At least it’s not getting worse. She said that if there wasn’t an improvement within the next couple of days, I have to go back to the hospital and have scans and stuff because obviously something has to have gone wrong. I really really really don’t want to go back to the hospital so I’m hoping things improve. At least I can breathe deeply now? Yay? At least it doesn’t hurt when I cry? I can *almost* laugh as long as it’s not something REALLY funny.

Last night Blake washed my hair in the kitchen sink. I can’t bathe and my hair hadn’t been washed since last Wednesday so it was pretty disgusting and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Blake installed a new tap in the kitchen a few months ago and it has one of those hoses with a sprayer on the end so he used that on my melon last night. Worked pretty well! There was just no way I could hang my head over the tub, so the kitchen sink was the next logical place.

Okay I’m starving so me and my giant labia are going to go try and find something to eat.

PS. I am going to murder my daughter. She is trying to kill me, I swear. She is just too fucking funny.

July 26, 2012

All I Have is Pain & Fear, I’m Sorry.

My TweetDeck is being a dick. :o( And it’s raining. And I’m trying REALLY HARD to be happy, but I can’t stop crying because I think, and this is just a theory, is that it is the emotion that hurts the least to express physically, as opposed to joy, through laughing.

Laughing hurts so fucking bad, I cannot even do it…it is just the worst feeling in the world especially because I’m the kind of person who often *can’t* stop laughing once it’s begun and with certain people and certain phrases or even “certain” looks, with me the only phrase you hear at the end of the telling of one of these stories is, “and then it was all over”. Maybe that’s a normal, every day sort of laughter/happiness response, I dunno, I’m dangerously close to “losing it” as I type this rambly rambly post so dare I explain more…

Madison is easily the funniest person in this house. There is no contest. She can make me laugh to the point of needing oxygen and a new pair of panties faster than anyone on the planet and I cannot even explain to you why.

So she’s completely banned from my presence at the moment. She’s spending her time in her pajamas, in her room watching Doctor Who on her iPod. I thought she was at the computer just now (which is in the living room) so when Blake  hollered “I HAVE A MEETING IN 2 MINUTES EVERYBODY BE QUIET!!!!!!”, “I slurped the last of my Diet Coke, yelled for Madison…then I heard Wes run down the hallway to knock on Madison’s door and I started laughing because I couldn’t yell, for one it hurts to do so, and two, Blake’s meeting had started, so there was nothing I could do to halt this process that I could hear, like gears in a machine, happening before me.

Madison comes to the doorway of my office and says, “Yes Mother Dahling?” and I ask her to bring me a Diet Coke and she says, “uh!” and “really?!” and I am trying not to lose it because it IS funny but what can I do? I’m a little down for the count here and really really thirsty because of all the hydromorph, I’m sure. So I just kinda said, quietly, “OH PLEASE MADISON DON’T BE FUNNY, DON’T CAUSE ME PAIN”.

So, because Madison’s awesome, she went to the kitchen, got me a Diet Coke, asked if there’d be anything else to which I said “nope!” and we talked about Doctor Who for about 10 minutes and I told her she should keep watching and THEN talk to me about it because I have some pretty strong opinions based on what I’ve seen so far, which is everything but the Titanic Xmas Special (don’t ask), and I don’t want to be spoilery in ANY way for her or Wes because my friends were so good about staying spoiler-free for me when I was watching it.

Anyway, we agreed she should do watch and I should go…do something else.

So this is what I’m doing. I’m sure none of it makes even a little bit of sense.

Cheryl was here this morning. What happens is, I sleep, then Blake wakes me up two times for drugs, and then Cheryl and Blake wake me up together to check my drains, drain if necessary and talk about me like I’m not there. It’s very strange. (Okay only that is partly true, they involve me in the conversation but I just woke up and that is the most painful time of the day!)

Cheryl was telling Blake that she got her order from Dr. Hanrahan I guess. That she wants Cheryl to take the staples out on Monday and the right drain if it produces less than 30ml in 48 hours (or the left, of course, we just don’t think it will). Um. I don’t want either of these things to happen. Those staples are what’s holding my guts together. What if I stretch the wrong way and rip a hole in the part that’s healed in the last few days? They cut me open exactly 7 days ago, like right now as I write this (which is weird) . At the very least, if we take the staples out too early, I could end up with a much bigger scar. If we take them out too late, then what? I have no idea, but I suspect nothing? Why can’t we wait until Tuesday? Or maybe Wednesday? Those days just sound better than MUHNDAE.

The drains I care less about because I care more about them. If they have to come out on Monday, they have to come out on Monday. I’m not sure how I want them to come out, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with Cheryl doing it in my house.  That just seems like something that should happen at the hospital to me because it’s a lot more sterile and there’s going to be a fucking HOLE in my body where any little bit of bacteria, dog hair (omg), dust, dustmites since we’ll likely be doing this on our 100 year old hand me down bed, etc etc etc I want that shit COVERED in a sterile environment not “in the field” so to speak. Then I want to forget about it for at least 3 or  4 days THEN have Cheryl come and poke around at it in my not-so-sterile house. Sepsis is not a word I use lightly. Been there, done that.

I can tell you exactly where the epidural was because the site fucking hurts and I can’t bend as far backwards as I used to be able to sitting in a chair. (This is physio.) Blake googled it and everything he read said this is normal and will go away, but still, I worry. The whole idea of getting an infection in my spinal juices makes me die a little inside.

My legs and ass and abdomen are so swollen, but even with how swollen my stomach is, it’s a lot smaller than it was when we started, as Madison pointed out yesterday my “boobs look huge now” that I have a waist. I’m not skinny, or at least I don’t think I will be when the swelling goes down but I’ll be happy when my muscles are tight enough to do light yoga. I definitely won’t be doing the yoga at Squam, that’s for sure, but at least I’ll still be able to go because I should definitely be healed up by the time that rolls around. I have no idea how to break that one to Katie because I’m certain she’s forgotten about it but I told her about Squam before she hired me and she said that as long as I told her in advance, there shouldn’t be any problem taking the time off for that. And then after Squam, there shouldn’t be anything I should need time off for. I should absolutely be able to commit to my regularly scheduled shifts until the near foreseeable future.

So I guess this is getting rambly and stupid and long and probably doesn’t even make any sense because of all the drugs I’m on. I definitely don’t feel like I’m making any sense. I’m not even sure I’m going to post it.

Last night Blake was at my desk with me, emptying my drains, just like I said we were going to do in my last post. So he’s got a plastic beer cup and he squirts the first one, the fullest one, full blast into it and it splatters everywhere, all over his hand. I lose my shit and start cracking up and he’s just like, “I don’t know why this is funny” which made it even FUNNIER and of course every tiny bit of laughter is pure and utter agony and it sucked and maybe you had to be there.

The doctor’s office just called to tell Blake that I shouldn’t be in as much pain as he’s been describing, they don’t want to prescribe me more painkillers without scanning me or something at the hospital because if I’m in this much pain something could potentially be wrong. Gonna give it another couple of days on the pain pills we have now (the hydromorph is fine, it’s the Percocet they don’t want to give me). I can’t even describe the pain. I’ve tried. It’s like the worst pulled muscle you’ve ever felt times at least a thousand because it’s ALL of them in your whole abdomen. So that’s like, the major part of the pain. Then there’s the rest of the pain where your guts have all been re-positioned and moved around and they’re all trying to get along. As long as I don’t move, I’m okay, but then my body’s started doing these involuntary breath things where suddenly you have to take a gulp of air, like a gasp or a yawn because you’ve been breathing too shallowly as not to cause yourself undue pain. THAT sucks. Crying, as I said, is okay. Laughing is not okay. I haven’t sneezed yet and I’m terrified for the day I do but I have been trying to blow my nose through all that crying and that’s been getting better. The point is that I’m not getting any worse.

Anyway, Blake is going to be home from the grocery store soon and I want to be finished this by the time he is because we’re having garlic bread with cheese and fresh spinach and cheese ravioli for dinner.I haven’t eaten yet today so I’m absolutely starving. Madison’s cooking because Blake has to have a meeting with someone for work and won’t be able to eat with us. :o( Sometimes working from home really sucks.

Okay, enough out of me.

July 25, 2012

I’m home.

Which was probably a mistake. They wouldn’t send me home with ALL the painkillers I was on in the hospital so I’ve stepped down from a lot and man, can I ever really feel it.

When I was in the hospital, what finally got the pain under control after the epidural was turned off was (oh and PS. I have no idea what I’ve written or even done in the last however many days because I am on heavy heavy drugs and I’m really only lucid sometimes):

– IV morphine as needed
– 4mg morphine every 4 hours
– 2 Percocets every 4 hours
– 18mg hydromorph contin every 8 hours

The nurses timed it so I was getting some type of pain medication every 2 hours.

Well. At home there’s no IV morphine and I didn’t think the little drug nazi pain management team was going to let me out of there with a prescription for run of the mill morphine, so I bargained to come home on the Percocets and the hydromorph and basically right now I can’t move because I am in so much more pain now than I was in the hospital yesterday.

When I came home yesterday afternoon, I pretty much had to immediately come home, change my clothes because it was so damn hot at home compared to the freezing hospital, and lay down.

I am crazy swollen. Most of my clothes don’t even fit. Definitely what I wore to the hospital wouldn’t have, not with these drains in place. Behold:


Yep. Two drains in my abdomen draining bloody fluid and tissue. Held in by stitches. Putting out about 100 ml of fluid per side each day.  They’re clipped to the front of my pants currently and they hang down like a giant pair of testicles when I walk. When I was in the hospital I wasn’t being careful enough and tugged on one pretty hard accidentally, it made an awful sound and it was an awful feeling. I figure if they’re right in front, I’m less likely to hurt myself with them.

I don’t know when we do dressing change. At the hospital they were doing it every other day, with the pad over one of my drains being changed daily. Cheryl was here this morning at 8:30am, but she just showed us how to empty the drains, told us to do it before bedtime and write down the amount that came out and then said she’d be back with further instructions tomorrow. If she’s going to do any kind of wound care in that bedroom, we’re going to have to get another lamp in there of some sort because she said it was too dark.

All I really did today was sleep and look at this Courtney Love Tumblr I found called FuckYeahCourtneyLove.com. That’s about the extent of my mental capacity on all these drugs. I can’t move a single milimeter so anything physical is out of the question, Blake is sleeping in the pull out couch in the living room even, if only to prevent himself from becoming tangled up by my giant testicles. We’ve finished watching Doctor Who and Community, and I truly can’t think of any other TV I want to see that’s not going to make me laugh (because laughing is unbelievably painful, blinding) so that’s out. So all I do is while Blake works (or is reminding me one of 9 times per 24 hours that it’s time to take drugs) I sleep or I do mindless crap on the internet and that’s all I did today. That’s all I’ll probably do tomorrow. Maybe if I feel like it I’ll share the results.

I’m in baaaaad shape. Blake says this is the most whole I’ve been in in a year and let me tell you that whole? Feels fucking baaaaaad. Now we have to go drain my drains. Yay.

Wes & I Are Googling Stuff

Posted at 10:23 am in: Animals , Kids , Life , Summer , Sunnyland , videos , Wes , youtube
July 21, 2012

I spoke too soon.

At around 3pm I started having more and more pain u til about 7:30pm when my night nurse, Laura, came on for her shift and deemed tha unacceptable. So she called the doctor who’s following me this weekend and had him raise my hydro morph because what the so-called “pain management team” we’re trying to wean me off the epidural, which is fine, but they weren’t replacing those mess with anything else. That’s just fucking stupid.

Normally, at home, I take 12mg of hydro morph contin 3x a day. They cut my epidural down by like 2/3 and bumped up my hydro morph by like…3mg. Three measly milligrams. Then they started giving me 2 Percocet every 4 hours, which I also take at home but stopped because it just didn’t seem to do much but make my hands more sensitive.

Anyway, my day nurse wouldn’t/couldn’t do anything because, while a nice, helpful girl, she’d already been yelled at by the floor’s doctor for asking for something for another patient so she was understandably gun shy. No one wants to get yelled at by their boss. But I was in fucking AGONY.

Laura called not the doctor on the floor because he had probably gone home but the doctor following my case this weekend. He ordered hydromorph contin via IV but I’m not sure how much, he also gave me like 4mg of straight up morphine by mouth annnnnd they’ve bumped up my 3x daily dose of hydromorph contin to 18mg, which seems to me to be a lot more humane. You can’t just yank away an epidural like that!

The other thing worth mentioning is that my feet are puffy and swollen from all the fluids they’ve been giving me, which is what happened last summer and why they had to cut me open in the first place. (To drain said fluid. FOUR fucking litres of it! I was up to 220lbs full of fluid!) So what the fuck?”

I’m not having the best day,unfortunately. :o( And that really sucks because I was so proud of myself for doing my physio without anyone asking me to or bribing me or otherwise talking me into it.

I was at a pain level of about 6 (out of 10) until they started messing with the epidural, until then things were FINE.   Like I said, wean me  off the epi, go right ahead,  but for the love of kittens, why would you think the pain would magically go away or whatever they were or more to the point, weren’t. Ugh.

Checking Faceboook and putting my sore ass to bed.

I’m Alive.

Surgery apparently went extremely well, Dr. Hanrahan seems very pleased with how things went. Also it is extremely difficult to make a post on an iPad so apologies for autocorrect.

On Thursday they pretty much just did the surgery and then I hung out with Blakeand my mom until visiting hours were over. They had me drugged up to the tits so the pain wasn’t so bad.

Thursday night I only slept like, 3 hours because I’m kind of in an ICU with 2 other dudes and they kinda freaked me out. Also I was SO hot and sweaty, to the point where I asked Dr. Hanrahan if I wasn’t having hot flashes considering it’s been a year since my last period. She said it was just my body’s reaction to inflammation but I don’t think so because it’s been happening for months..but I digress…

Yesterday was pretty hellacious, the only good part of the day was when Blake was here. Practically the first thing in the morning, they wanted me to get up and sit in a chair, which I would have been fine with if my pain was under control AT ALL, which at that point it wasn’t. So two nurses haul me out of bed, my legs give out because hello, epidural, and they sit me in this chair for 45 mins. The pain of that was absolutely excruciating.

After that though, the pain management team came and turned UP my epidural which was like, oh fantastic relief, they prescribed 15mg of  hydromorph contin which is only like, 9mg more than I take at home (3x/day, same as here) but it’s helping so whatever. And then they’re giving me 2 Percocets every 4 hours. Also? Morphine pump! But then today they came and turned the epidural DOWN because they want to wean me of it,which sucks so bad.

This morning I decided that when I took my hydromorph & Percocet and then once they kicked in and I was more or less good, I was like, “put me in that damn chair”, which they did, and it was nowhere near as painful as yesterday. I mean it still hurt a whole lot but not the blinding pain of the day before. I just wanted to do it on MY schedule, one that actually, y’know, made SENSE so when those obnoxious physiotherapy people come around, I can be all like, “pffffft you missed it”.

Right now I am wearing electric socks that massage your legs so you don’t get blood clots. They’re actually kind of great.  I am catheterized so that’s always awesome. There is no doubt that my kidneys are working as intended although Dr. Ray, the kidney guy,wants me to have a really uncomfortable procedure in Rocktober to double check them that I’m so not worried about

My incision is from  where my ribs meet, all the way down to my waist. On either side of my abdomen are drains that are draining bright red fluid from my guts and it’s  actually pretty gross. During the surgery, Dr. Hanrahan said that she didn’t even see my pancreas, which I know she was little nervous about because one of rules of surgery is that you do not fucking touch the pancreas. So that was good.

I’m waiting on lunch right now. All I’ve been allowed to eat since Wednesday night is veggie broth, nasty hospital Jell-O which I hate at the best of times, and juice & tea. This morning they gave me creamy vanilla yogurt (did not eat), milk (would make me throw up, did not drink), Carnation instant breakfast (ditto), decaf coffee (what is the fucking point?) and orange juice, which I drank. I want solid food so so bad. :o(

Anyway, I’m falling asleep and can’t think of anything else. I’m hangin’ in there.

July 17, 2012

New Mother Mother!

Posted at 3:46 pm in: Canada , Creativity , Mother Mother , Music , Summer

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