My TweetDeck is being a dick. :o( And it’s raining. And I’m trying REALLY HARD to be happy, but I can’t stop crying because I think, and this is just a theory, is that it is the emotion that hurts the least to express physically, as opposed to joy, through laughing.
Laughing hurts so fucking bad, I cannot even do it…it is just the worst feeling in the world especially because I’m the kind of person who often *can’t* stop laughing once it’s begun and with certain people and certain phrases or even “certain” looks, with me the only phrase you hear at the end of the telling of one of these stories is, “and then it was all over”. Maybe that’s a normal, every day sort of laughter/happiness response, I dunno, I’m dangerously close to “losing it” as I type this rambly rambly post so dare I explain more…
Madison is easily the funniest person in this house. There is no contest. She can make me laugh to the point of needing oxygen and a new pair of panties faster than anyone on the planet and I cannot even explain to you why.
So she’s completely banned from my presence at the moment. She’s spending her time in her pajamas, in her room watching Doctor Who on her iPod. I thought she was at the computer just now (which is in the living room) so when Blake hollered “I HAVE A MEETING IN 2 MINUTES EVERYBODY BE QUIET!!!!!!”, “I slurped the last of my Diet Coke, yelled for Madison…then I heard Wes run down the hallway to knock on Madison’s door and I started laughing because I couldn’t yell, for one it hurts to do so, and two, Blake’s meeting had started, so there was nothing I could do to halt this process that I could hear, like gears in a machine, happening before me.
Madison comes to the doorway of my office and says, “Yes Mother Dahling?” and I ask her to bring me a Diet Coke and she says, “uh!” and “really?!” and I am trying not to lose it because it IS funny but what can I do? I’m a little down for the count here and really really thirsty because of all the hydromorph, I’m sure. So I just kinda said, quietly, “OH PLEASE MADISON DON’T BE FUNNY, DON’T CAUSE ME PAIN”.
So, because Madison’s awesome, she went to the kitchen, got me a Diet Coke, asked if there’d be anything else to which I said “nope!” and we talked about Doctor Who for about 10 minutes and I told her she should keep watching and THEN talk to me about it because I have some pretty strong opinions based on what I’ve seen so far, which is everything but the Titanic Xmas Special (don’t ask), and I don’t want to be spoilery in ANY way for her or Wes because my friends were so good about staying spoiler-free for me when I was watching it.
Anyway, we agreed she should do watch and I should go…do something else.
So this is what I’m doing. I’m sure none of it makes even a little bit of sense.
Cheryl was here this morning. What happens is, I sleep, then Blake wakes me up two times for drugs, and then Cheryl and Blake wake me up together to check my drains, drain if necessary and talk about me like I’m not there. It’s very strange. (Okay only that is partly true, they involve me in the conversation but I just woke up and that is the most painful time of the day!)
Cheryl was telling Blake that she got her order from Dr. Hanrahan I guess. That she wants Cheryl to take the staples out on Monday and the right drain if it produces less than 30ml in 48 hours (or the left, of course, we just don’t think it will). Um. I don’t want either of these things to happen. Those staples are what’s holding my guts together. What if I stretch the wrong way and rip a hole in the part that’s healed in the last few days? They cut me open exactly 7 days ago, like right now as I write this (which is weird) . At the very least, if we take the staples out too early, I could end up with a much bigger scar. If we take them out too late, then what? I have no idea, but I suspect nothing? Why can’t we wait until Tuesday? Or maybe Wednesday? Those days just sound better than MUHNDAE.
The drains I care less about because I care more about them. If they have to come out on Monday, they have to come out on Monday. I’m not sure how I want them to come out, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with Cheryl doing it in my house. That just seems like something that should happen at the hospital to me because it’s a lot more sterile and there’s going to be a fucking HOLE in my body where any little bit of bacteria, dog hair (omg), dust, dustmites since we’ll likely be doing this on our 100 year old hand me down bed, etc etc etc I want that shit COVERED in a sterile environment not “in the field” so to speak. Then I want to forget about it for at least 3 or 4 days THEN have Cheryl come and poke around at it in my not-so-sterile house. Sepsis is not a word I use lightly. Been there, done that.
I can tell you exactly where the epidural was because the site fucking hurts and I can’t bend as far backwards as I used to be able to sitting in a chair. (This is physio.) Blake googled it and everything he read said this is normal and will go away, but still, I worry. The whole idea of getting an infection in my spinal juices makes me die a little inside.
My legs and ass and abdomen are so swollen, but even with how swollen my stomach is, it’s a lot smaller than it was when we started, as Madison pointed out yesterday my “boobs look huge now” that I have a waist. I’m not skinny, or at least I don’t think I will be when the swelling goes down but I’ll be happy when my muscles are tight enough to do light yoga. I definitely won’t be doing the yoga at Squam, that’s for sure, but at least I’ll still be able to go because I should definitely be healed up by the time that rolls around. I have no idea how to break that one to Katie because I’m certain she’s forgotten about it but I told her about Squam before she hired me and she said that as long as I told her in advance, there shouldn’t be any problem taking the time off for that. And then after Squam, there shouldn’t be anything I should need time off for. I should absolutely be able to commit to my regularly scheduled shifts until the near foreseeable future.
So I guess this is getting rambly and stupid and long and probably doesn’t even make any sense because of all the drugs I’m on. I definitely don’t feel like I’m making any sense. I’m not even sure I’m going to post it.
Last night Blake was at my desk with me, emptying my drains, just like I said we were going to do in my last post. So he’s got a plastic beer cup and he squirts the first one, the fullest one, full blast into it and it splatters everywhere, all over his hand. I lose my shit and start cracking up and he’s just like, “I don’t know why this is funny” which made it even FUNNIER and of course every tiny bit of laughter is pure and utter agony and it sucked and maybe you had to be there.
The doctor’s office just called to tell Blake that I shouldn’t be in as much pain as he’s been describing, they don’t want to prescribe me more painkillers without scanning me or something at the hospital because if I’m in this much pain something could potentially be wrong. Gonna give it another couple of days on the pain pills we have now (the hydromorph is fine, it’s the Percocet they don’t want to give me). I can’t even describe the pain. I’ve tried. It’s like the worst pulled muscle you’ve ever felt times at least a thousand because it’s ALL of them in your whole abdomen. So that’s like, the major part of the pain. Then there’s the rest of the pain where your guts have all been re-positioned and moved around and they’re all trying to get along. As long as I don’t move, I’m okay, but then my body’s started doing these involuntary breath things where suddenly you have to take a gulp of air, like a gasp or a yawn because you’ve been breathing too shallowly as not to cause yourself undue pain. THAT sucks. Crying, as I said, is okay. Laughing is not okay. I haven’t sneezed yet and I’m terrified for the day I do but I have been trying to blow my nose through all that crying and that’s been getting better. The point is that I’m not getting any worse.
Anyway, Blake is going to be home from the grocery store soon and I want to be finished this by the time he is because we’re having garlic bread with cheese and fresh spinach and cheese ravioli for dinner.I haven’t eaten yet today so I’m absolutely starving. Madison’s cooking because Blake has to have a meeting with someone for work and won’t be able to eat with us. :o( Sometimes working from home really sucks.
Okay, enough out of me.