May 31, 2012

Shit Just Got Real-er

Urologist the morning of June 20th. I guess I’ll be seeing him or her before my surgery so hopefully once I’m cleared or whatever we can schedule it for after the anniversary party and I can heal up between the party and Squam. It’s either that or everything gets put off until after Squam and that’s going to suck. Dr. Hanrahan told us to make plans, so we did, and those 2 are non-negotiable as far as I’m concerned so the surgery gets fit in around those not the other way around unless they tell me like, I’m going to die without it. Which I sincerely doubt will happen. My guts are just in the wrong place right now, my gall bladder doesn’t even have any stones in it any more so as long as I don’t eat too stupidly, my pancreas will be okay for surgery whenever I have it so there’s nothing medically, that I’ve been told of, that I know of, that would make postponing it hazardous to my health in any way. In fact from what I understand of the surgery, doing it too soon could be problematic so there’s that to consider too and I don’t think that’s just me being a chickenshit.

Anyway, speaking of Squam, remember a while back I mentioned that one of my teachers from Squam was putting together these kits *for* Squam, like for the company of Squam Art Workshops, that were a little sketchbook and two glassine envelopes worth of ephemera? That came today, totally out of the blue and so I was playing with the contents a bit, trying to photograph them and failing completely, and I decided to only open the first, little glassine envelope and that I’d save the big glassine envelope for the hospital because with that and my Smash stick and rub on letters, I could theoretically have a little fun if I felt up to it. If not, surely I will when I’m home from the hospital in the middle of the living room again.

I don’t know how long I’ll be out of the range of sitting up on my own. :o/ I mean, they’re cutting apart all my stomach muscles. That’s half my middle. You can’t tell me that’s not going to hurt like fucking crazy.

And now I’m just freaking myself out so I’ll STFU about surgery.

Urologist, end of June. Gotta figure out why my kidneys are being so lame.

Insert Title Here

Bonjour mes amis! Comment ca va? Ca va tres bien!

And there’s about the extent of the French language I have right there. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Blake and I are half-assedly learning how to speak French since it IS our 2nd national language and everything. Plus we plan to go to Quebec eventually and then hopefully France as well. We don’t have French-English dictionaries yet though, which would probably be incredibly helpful. We’re working on it.

Right now we’re pouring all of our money into our anniversary party. I finished addressing the invitations yesterday and Blake’s going to mail those out today so at least that’s taken care of. Then Blake needs to make a private page/event on Facebook for the afterparty (or I will, I guess) and we’ll invite those people and then it’ll be a party!

I have no idea who all will be staying over at our house but I know Alex & Ronny will be and maybe Deanna & Lucas and maybe some of the Michigan people. Maybe some of the Toronto people. Massive vacuuming is going to have to happen before this party if we’re going to have people potentially sleeping on our floor. The plan is still to have a big breakfast in the morning so regardless as to whether or not people are actually sleeping here, they’re invited the next morning for breakfast, courtesy of Blake and his wicked culinary skeelz. I still don’t know what’ll be easier though: toaster waffles or pancakes and if we would bother with toast or not since the only egg option is probably going to be scrambled eggs just to keep things simple. Therefore, no one would need toast to dunk into their eggs. (Which is the only reason I can see actually eating toast, personally.) Waffles or pancakes are super important because we got maple syrup from the Maple Syrup Festival just for the occasion.

Planning parties is very hard and very stressful. :o/ Hopefully when we’re celebrating our 20th, our kids will plan it! (Ha! Fat chance.)

It’s gonna be fun though, depending on my level of pain. Since I’m not sure when surgery is going to be, I could be in a lot of pain OR we could schedule the surgery for afterward and it wouldn’t even be an issue. I guess we’ll just have to see what Dr. Hanrahan thinks.

So yesterday I saw this really upsetting video of these 4 years olds (I’m guessing), singing a song in church about how “there ain’t no homos going to heaven” and then not only did the adult congregation clap, they whooped and cheered and gave the kids a standing ovation. I don’t even know where to begin with that one and I’m not linking it so here’s “Running Faggot” by Kids in the Hall instead:

And then Blake told me about this crazy thing happening here where this teenage girl wanted to start a gay-straight alliance type of group at school and she was told she couldn’t. Why? Because she goes to a Catholic high school and that’s a total “no no” in the Catholic religion, right? So okay I get that but the thing is, our religious schools (or at least the Catholic ones) are partially funded by the province. By the government. And so our government has laws against hate speech and all kinds of laws against discrimination for being gay and gay MARRIAGE is legal here so this is a total conflict AND there’s a petition about a bill that needs to pass because:

There is currently a Bill in the Ontario Legislature that has the potential to guarantee that students who wish to form gay-straight alliances in publicly-funded schools must be permitted to do so.

1. We need to make sure that this Bill passes, with the protections for LGBTQ student groups in it, so that my friends and I will be able to form gay-straight alliance groups in our schools.

2. We also need to ensure that this Bill is amended to guarantee that students will be able to name their groups – so that schools won’t be able to prevent students from calling groups “gay-straight alliances.”
If Bill 13 passes, with the proper amendment, then no student will have to fight as I have to get a safe space in their school. No student will have to go up against school boards and administration in order to create a group in their school where they can be themselves and be supported by their fellow students. That will be something that schools must allow.”

I have no idea how it’s going to play out. The Catholic school board/church has vowed to “fight back”, whatever that means but I really hope our government is just like “pffffft” and swats these assholes like flies. I’m not really sure how a Bill is passed in our system, to be perfectly honest, so I’m not sure who, exactly, votes on this thing but I signed the petition and those e-mails are apparently going to the people who would presumably be voting on it so I guess we’ll see what happens? I know a well-written paper letter to these people would be more effective but who does that anymore and I think there’s a time issue at hand here, or at least that’s how I read the letter.

I understand why our government funds religious schools – I really do – but if they’re going to do that, they have to make sure those schools are teaching every child the laws of the land of this country, not just what the bible says.

But that’s just me.

It was so surreal when we were registering Madison for school and they asked us if we wanted to have our taxes go to the Separate (Religious) School Board when we were filling out the paperwork, or the public one. She was going to public school so I thought that was a strange question. We said “public” since that’s where she was going and I haven’t given it an ounce of thought until this morning.

Anyway, I think it’s fair the way school taxes (or how I think they work) are collected and used, I get why the province funds religious schools. I think the way it works is that your school taxes go directly in the pockets of the schools and the school systems based on what you check on your kids’ registration papers in the beginning. If you’re Catholic and plan to send your kids to Catholic school then I think it’s totally fair if you want your taxes to go to that school system.

Then again, I could have NO idea what I’m talking about. I’ve never read up on how taxes in this country work or anything like that, this is all based on that one question on Madison’s registration papers in junior kindergarten.

Anyway, however it works, I hope the province stops funding them if they won’t stop bullshit like trying to prevent gay students from bridging the gap between straight students and themselves. These kids are taking it upon themselves to do that because the adults aren’t making the effort. Don’t parents see the awesomeness of that? It’s like happiness friendship club where – oh my god – kids learn tolerance and compassion and understanding and they grow and evolve as people! Isn’t that like, the goal of creating new humans? (Especially at that age?) You would think lovers of Jesus would be ALL over that. But they’re not in this case, so I hope the province throws the book at them and privatizes religious schools.

But who knows what might happen?

In other news, Wes came home the other day really excited about his cereal box. I guess they’re doing a unit on media studies and the task was to make fake cereal boxes for some reason. Well, Wes got really into it and all last week he was bugging me to register DOMAIN NAMES for him based on his fake company and his fake cereal name, saying that he’d like to learn how to build a website.

I think he’s way too young to have unfettered access to the internet but as Blake pointed out, he can make a site in Notepad and save it all as .html and open it from his desktop like a website, to start off with at least. He also pointed out that we have Dreamweaver on the family computer so there’s that option too, although I find DW hard to use without the Visual Quickstart Guide. I’m torn as to whether or not I should buy him the domain name he wants to build a future site maybe, so I’ve either cut out or blurred domain names on his cereal box, as well as our phone number, which he had on there, so if he still loves this idea in a couple of years, the option’s there.

So here’s his cereal box, that he was really really proud of and wanted me to show you all:

So I took a break from posting these photos to go make breakfast (turkey on a kaiser woop woop!) and during that time, Wes was in the kitchen having his breakfast (Honey Nut Cheerios) and he asked me if I’d ever “heard” of there being prizes in cereal boxes. So I explained to him that most of the cereal when I was his age came with prizes and so he asked me what kinds. I told him stickers and rings and small toys. And his mind was completely blown. Why are there no prizes in cereal anymore?

And that’s all I’ve got for today. Happy Thursday!

PS. So Wes is all excited about his cereal box, right? And he comes home yesterday and says he’s going to start making the game pack that’s on the left flap of the box. I gave him a sketchbook a looong time ago that he has barely even used at this point so we’ve told him to wriiiiite it down. If it’s a good idea and you want to remember it, write it down. If it were up to Wes, there would be cardboard prototypes of EVERYTHING cluttering our living room. I’m really curious to see his sketchbook in about a year if he starts actually using it the way we’ve just taught him to.

PPS. There’s video of Wes explaining his cereal but I used the Rebel and I’m not even sure it’s in focus or how to bleep all of the websites he lists since it’s a .MOV file.

May 29, 2012

Holy Shit Good Points


Oh man, it’s rainy as hell here today, which is awesome for our lawn but so crappy for morale because I feel sort of imprisoned by the rain, not to go all emo on you.  I can’t play with the camera…okay that’s a lie, there’s no reason I *couldn’t* play with the camera, but to play with the camera inside on M is a LOT harder than doing it outside where the light is better. But unfortunately they don’t make those things waterproof. (Or at least mine’s not.) And right now it’s raining like crazy.

Days like today I feel bad that my kids have to walk home from school. I used to have to walk home from school when it was raining, I was never allowed to accept rides from neighbours or people we know when the weather sucked and I’m okay, so I don’t really figure it’s a problem. It is encouragement to take driving and public transportation if you’re not going to drive, seriously…she says as thunder drones in the background.

I’m probably a terrible parent for a million different reasons because I think everyone fucks up or lets down their kids in some way and so far I’m doing good in that department so I’m not worried about that, but I don’t think not being able to pick them up from school is a serious parental failing. Like that we’re not a 2-car family yet when most people are immediately after they get married and here were are, 10 years in, with still only one car. Sometimes it sucks, but the truth is, I don’t think I’d be able to drive a 2nd card if we had one so it’s not really an issue in our house. And despite the fact that this car is our car and not just Blake’s car, I can’t ever see myself driving to Barrie and going to Michael’s like on the HWY. I just don’t see that happening, like, ever.

Anyway, the kids are going to be adorable without even trying when they get home, so maybe I’ll go play with the settings of the camera so I can maybe take their pictures. Madison probably won’t let me. Wes probably won’t care. We’ll see.

I got my passport in the mail yesterday and no, if you haven’t seen the pictures, which I DID post somewhere so I know people have seen them I just don’t remember where (FB, Instagram, Lightbox, TwitPic/Twitter?), you won’t see them because they’re terrible. Like, serial killer Michael Myers terrible. But whatever, I can go across the border for Squam now. Nothing is standing in my way!

I have absolutely no idea how we’re going to get there. I’m not even totally sure where New Hampshire is. I just know it’s going to take us about 8 or 10 hours to get there and my mom’s doing all the driving. I think maybe we’re going to go through Quebec for a bit but I’m not sure.  I’ve never been to Quebec. Blake wants to take a weekend trip to Quebec maybe this summer but I don’t think that’s going to happen now that surgery looms in the ever present future.

Is all the surgery talk boring? I’m just really worried about it. I can’t help it. It’s pretty major surgery and I’m going to have a pretty significant scar I think and no bellybutton and it’s going to be really really painful. And I’m scared about staying in the hospital. Especially like, starving because the food at RVH* is *terrible*. I wish I could convey that better but I can’t, it is absolutely beyond disgusting. They’re trying, I guess, to do a good job nutritiously but man if Georgian, the hospital up North, can feed people real food, why can’t RVH?

And the hospital just sucks. It is the most goddamn boring place on Earth. I have no idea what to bring because I don’t know how long I’ll be there or what kind of shape I’ll be in while I *am* in there. Do I bring my laptop or the iPad? With the iPad I can post short updates but no pictures because I can’t figure out how to open things in new tabs, how to upload or how to cut & paste and I would want to do all of that or my laptop, which gives me more options but is more bulky. I won’t be able to work with my laptop because I need 2 screens to work with and I’m not going to have enough room on my tray for that and to still be able to eat.

So I dunno. These are all things I need to bring up with Dr. Hanrahan, aside from knowing about the actual surgery itself, of which I know nothing. I don’t even know what it’s called. I should probably get that information.

I don’t know if I should bring my camera to the hospital. My Rebel just uses the built-in SD reader so that’s easiest to use, but my point & shoot is obviously smaller. But that is another cable to get the pictures off the camera and an extra cable to keep up with and have people needing to bring me and that sucks, so the Rebel makes more sense. I just worry at its bulk. I also worry about someone walking off with it while I was sleeping. How would I ever begin to know who it was if that happened? It would just be gone. So maybe point & shoot would be best. I’ll be all James Bond about it.

We’ll see, I guess.

Know what happened on Saturday? POPGUN txted me out of the blue, as he’s prone to do. He lives in Wales and we’ve been good friends for a long long time, although not the best at keeping in touch recently, admittedly. The last time he messaged me was a BEAUTIFUL txt when I first got out of the hospital and it was just a good surprise to wake up to Saturday morning. I don’t really use my cell phone for ~communication~ as I do for output on a small device when I’m out but I did check it Saturday morning and pop, there he was! :o) He reminds me that life is good.

Have I mentioned that Blake’s applied for his CDN citizenship? I think that is so awesome. He’s been eligible to do it for a long time, he just never got around to it. I think he’s going to have to take a “Canadian test” to make sure he’d be a good one or something, that I’ll be absolutely useless at helping him study for because who am I to tell anyone what a “Canadian” is. Especially since I’m pretty sure he has his own idea about that and who knows, maybe it won’t even be on the test? Maybe there isn’t even a test at all? I haven’t actually asked him about the process, I just know that he applied and that it cost him money to do so. The good thing about being a citizen though is that he’ll be able to vote in both the CDN and US elections. I think that’s pretty cool. Also he’ll be able, I think, to get a CDN passport, which supposedly makes traveling a whole lot easier and we’ve got plans, baby!  My passport expires in (I think) 5 years and IN that 5 years, we are definitely going somewhere that requires a passport! Maybe more than one somewhere! Maybe two somewheres! Who knows? But that’s in 5 years…

And now Madison’s home and has just announced that she’s “dating” a “guy named Devon”…Good lord….back to my day!

(*Royal Victoria Hospital)

May 28, 2012

I think I’m getting worse.

So on Saturday, before work, Blake showed me how to use my camera on Manual. Because it makes no sense to buy such an expensive piece of equipment and leave it on Auto or Program. I could have done that with my old point & shoot.

I’ve been reading these tutorials by Ashley McLaughlin, slowly but surely, and between that and what Blake has shown me so far, you would think that I’d be doing better or at least “as good” as I had been doing with my own camera or when I was shooting on P, but I just don’t think I’m making any progress yet.

I’ve uploaded all of today’s pictures in my gallery here, because my gallery shows on each picture the photo properties, which is really what’s going to show me where I’ve gone wrong in hindsight. It’s just a better system than trying to write it all down and trying to remember what you did in each shot when you’re shooting 400 photos at a time. Or at least it will be for me when I look through them later. I’m not going to post all of the pictures I took today because I think I should save Kevin’s bandwidth and only have them load up for people who are truly interested in amateur photography. Beyond amateur photography haha Terrible photography.

So here are some pics from my day…

First off was my dressing change. Here’s a pic of my wound right now. It’s that colour because of the Betadine they swab it with before dressing it but only like, 3 little spots of open wound are really there any more and Dr. Hanrahan says she’ll be cutting that part out anyway so really there’s not a whole lot of reason to not go ahead with the surgery except for the fact that I’m scared shitless of there being complications and of me dying. Like for real this time. :o/ Blake assures me I’m in good hands and apparently Dr. Hanrahan said last week that this was her favourite surgery to do but I didn’t hear her say that and she could say that to everyone about every surgery for all I know. Maybe it’s her favourite because she’s never done it before. I dunno. Maybe those are insulting thoughts but I can’t help but have them. I’m sorry if they are. I wish I didn’t have them, this whole thing would be so much easier.

Being in the hospital again is not going to be fun at all. I’m so scared of losing my job again. So so scared. I have no idea how long I’m going to be in the hospital or what kind of pain I’m going to be in or for how long so I have no idea what to tell my bosses. I need more information. At first Dr. Hanrahan said 8 weeks of lifting “nothing”, now she says 6. That’s a best case scenario though what if something goes wrong? What if there are complications and I spend the summer in the ICU again?

Blake says these are all valid concerns…Anyway….

Learning about depth of field.
(Actually, I just realized this one was taken on AV.)

Dark Fire Things.

Brightening it up by playing with the shutter speed.

I have no idea what that is but it came in the flat of Fire Things.

This was also taken in AV.
That part is my favourite part.

I spent most of my afternoon with a Venus Flytrap.

It attracted flies, which is just what they do.

I watched this damn thing for over an hour and the fly just didn’t land on the fronds or whatever they are.

Until later…

But I didn’t get it on camera happening. :o(

And that was my day.

May 25, 2012

Almost a year ago…

The anniversary is coming up. Not my wedding anniversary, the anniversary of getting sick and almost dying. On June 23rd, it’ll be a year ago that I went to the hospital in an ambulance with Madison after she called 911 because I was in so much pain I couldn’t even breathe or speak.

I don’t want to re-tell the story right now, but today I’m really feeling it. I’ve been depressed. I think I’ve done fairly well at keeping a mostly sunny disposition throughout the last year (although I guess there were times I didn’t want Blake or my mom at the hospital with me when I was in the BIG hospital but I don’t remember that) but my surgeon yesterday said she feared “we’re losing her mentally” and I can’t get that phrase out of my mind. I thought I was doing okay. The only time I lost it yesterday was when she said she was going to refer me to a kidney specialist because my numbers still aren’t coming up to where she’d like to see them. She said the urologist may want to put a scope up my peehole to look at my kidney because I guess the tube that goes from one of my kidneys to my bladder is inflamed along with the kidney itself a bit and that’s just not a good thing.

My mom and I got in an argument in the doctor’s office  – wait, lemme back up.

I had to go to the ER again on Wednesday night because at around 2pm, I woke up from a nap with screaming pain in my pancreatic region and I literally laid on the couch in the living room with the AC on, without pants because I was SO BOILING HOT (likely with fever), SCREAMING for 2 hours. Then I threw up but all I’d had so far that day because I didn’t feel well was water so the puke was bile and water which, to me, is  the worst kind.

Then I wobbled to my office and the kitchen, got 4 Percocets and 4 extra strength Ibuprofen and 1 Gravol and took them all along with my 2pm hydromorph. I also got another bottle of water because I was so so thirsty and a bowl in case I had to puke again because walking hurt and I didn’t want to have to get up again if I could help it.

So I laid on the couch screaming “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD” and writhing in pain, just waiting for the drugs to kick in or for me to pass out, whichever would come first.

You may be asking yourself why I didn’t call 911. There’s a couple of reasons:

1. I know this pain. I’ve had this a few times before. It’s just a pancreatic attack, for lack of a better term. I knew I wasn’t dying or in danger of dying.

2. Wes was going to be home in 2 hours. Wes who is only 9 and who had never stayed home by himself for more than 10 minutes and who would be expecting me to be there when he got home.

3. When he got home at 4pm, I didn’t want to further scare him by emergency workers storming the house and both of us being shipped to the hospital in an ambulance. The kid worries about me enough as it is.

I did call Blake though at around 3pm or 3:30pm and told him to come home NOW because I had to go to the hospital. He asked me if 911 wouldn’t be a better idea and I think my exact words might have been “BITCH, COME NOW!” I forget. But he came and when he got home at about 4:30pm, we went to the emergency room.

We had a nurse who didn’t take me seriously at all and long story short, during the 4 hours we waited there, the pain lessened or all the drugs I took kicked in and ultimately we ended up going home so I could take my 9pm hydromorph and the 2 Percocet I had left, knowing that we’d be seeing Dr. Hanrahan (my surgeon) the next day.

But I was telling you about the argument my mom and I had in Dr. Hanrahan’s office…Blake and I had decided that we weren’t going to tell Dr. Hanrahan about the fact that I got shitface wasted on the long weekend because I didn’t think it was a contributing factor to Wednesday night since I felt fine in the days following (I got drunk on Sunday) and I get this kind of pain regularly, especially lately, and each time we’ve looked at my diet and it’s been something greasy like KFC was last time and this time, I had had fish & chips the night before. Guess I can’t have that stuff anymore. OH WELL.

My mom greatly disagreed with not telling Dr. Hanrahan and bitched me out for getting drunk in the first place, to which I bitched back and it was a mess.

Anyway, I ended up telling Dr. Hanrahan and she said she was fine with it, that it COULD have contributed to my pain on Wednesday night but it also may not have and she asked me if I was turning to alcohol to cope, which, I don’t think I am but I definitely got drunk because I’m sick of living with this bullshit and decided to not give any fucks for one day.

Dr. Hanrahan basically told my mom to back off (my mom later apologized for yelling at me) and I asked her about pain management when this shit happens and she prescribed me Tramadol which I guess is pretty hardcore stuff. I asked her about medical marijuana because I don’t want to be taking more painkillers that effect my kidneys and she said she was a-okay with it and that she believes it helps, but her concerns were with me smoking it because that’s just not good for you and she said she wasn’t licensed to prescribe it. I thought we were taking up enough of her time so I didn’t ask her if she knew who COULD prescribe it but ultimately I’m not worried about it at the moment because she said that when I see her in 2 weeks SHE MAY HAVE A SURGERY DATE FOR ME. Like for my BIG SURGERY.

Then she hugged me and told me it would all be over soon and I really hope she meant that because I need that to be true or I’m going to lose my goddamned mind. I guess we really are losing me mentally and I just didn’t realize it.

Oh the other thing is that my pseudocysts are definitely smaller or they said there was less fluid around the pancreas at least and that there are NO STONES in my gallbladder meaning that I must have passed them all. She’s still going to remove it when she does my big surgery so I’ll never have to worry about that again, but at least there’s now ZERO CHANCE of repeat pancreatitis by that cause.

So I guess the doctor’s visit was a good one but I’ll believe the whole surgery date thing when I see it.

And now, here are some pics from the long weekend:

Flaming uterus.

We have lilacs on our property!!! We had no idea!!!

I got this for our car.

Blake hung Madison’s Tara McPherson prints.

Blake and I made our party invitations.
Just a plain turquoise background with glittery red heart on the front.

We got flowers for the garden but haven’t planted them yet.

This is a hanging planter.
I am absolutely in love with it.
We got more of those flowers (viney petunias) to put in the back yard planters too.

You can see the rest of the photos I took here.
They’re nothing spectacular.

And that was my weekend/week.
Hope yours was fantastic.

May 18, 2012

My Rebellious Life.

I am absolutely in love with my new camera. In love. I still don’t know how to work like, 90% of it, but I’m learning by reading the manual and I figure that by the end of Squam, I’ll be a friggin’ pro.

Yesterday I went through the motions of life and recorded some of it with the new camera, just to test it out. The results were mixed. Some pictures I think were really good (like the dandelion) and others weren’t so great (like Madison mowing the lawn for the first time), but I’m still learning.

This picture of Hoover was taken under my desk, practically in the dark.
His nose is chapped because he won’t stop licking it.

Lucky is self-conscious.
He’s actually kind of a people-pleaser, Madison can get him to sit on kitchen chairs for example, but when he doesn’t know what you want him to do, he looks like he does above.

This was taken in the living room, which is pretty destroyed.
Pixel is rubbing her face on a VCR that still needs to be taken for recycling.
Our living room is very dark when the curtains are closed, like they were at that moment.

This pic is from later in the day when we had the pull-out couch pulled out to make it easier for the nurses to dress my wound. Pixel likes the pull-out couch a lot so when it’s out, she hangs out on it. Actually she just likes the couch in general, now that I think about it.

After the nurses left, I went outside.
These are Lady Slippers from what’s left of my garden.

These are White Bleeding Hearts and it was windy so I couldn’t get a picture of them naturally draping.

Pink Bleeding Hearts.

My great-grandma grew these in her garden so they were the first perennials I bought when we moved here. The Lady Slippers are actually from her garden.  There’s some kind of community garden meeting happening at the community hall next week and guests are welcome. I kinda think I want to go because it would be good for immersion therapy and maybe I’d learn something. Blake doesn’t want to go though and I can’t go by myself so I dunno if we’ll go.

I love this picture.
The dandelion is just so fluffy and perfect.
I wish I’d had an assistant to blow them so I could try and capture some of the “wishes” in flight, but the kids were at school.

These are the blue and silver sparkly stars and lights that I have hanging around the doorway to my office.

This is Farmer Wes’ tomato grow op.
He and the next door neighbour’s kid planted all of these and wrote the types in the outside of the containers.
We are growing big yellow tomatoes and red cherry tomatoes.
I’m afraid to take their “greenhouses” off because the cat likes to sit up there and she’s eaten them before.

Madison when she was a baby.
This picture hangs in my super dark hallway and I was surprised the camera even picked anything up because there are no lights.

Baby me.
I think I was a pretty funny looking kid.
I think I’m still pretty funny looking.

Me and my mom.
I think this was probably Xmas morning of my first Xmas.

I have a lot of books.

(One day I will have the 3rd Princess Ai, dammit.)

Neon Angel was really good. The Oprah book was really…snarky and wrong. I kinda feel dirty for having read it. The Paula Deen book was absolute garbage. I wanted to read it because she was agoraphobic and beat it (obviously) but they barely glossed over that part. I didn’t really know who she was except that she was on the Food Network and now that I know who she is, I probably wouldn’t have wanted the book. Oh well. It only took a few hours to read.

Expect Us.

Lucky hears something outside.
I like it when his ears stick up.

So he starts howling softly.
I let him out to investigate and he dog a hole between the stones that make up our patio.
I wish I knew why he did that.
We fill it in all the time but he just digs it up again. Ugh.

Then it was time to go to my shrink appointment. She thinks I was not manic a few weeks ago when I was making uterus paintings and that  Blake and I should make a checklist of things to look for when I *am* manic so we can go through the checklist together and I can be reassured that I’m not manic. She also doesn’t think I can or should do the cognitive behavioural therapy book on my own and she’s going to look into getting me a case worker to help with the immersion therapy. I asked that it not be the same one I had before and she said it wouldn’t be. She also said that we could work up to me being able to come to the CBT group sessions there in a cab because the mental health centre has a contract with the can company and they’d just send a cab out here to get me free of charge and then they’d bring me home when it was over. Obviously I can’t do that yet and it’s going to take some time for me to be able to do that but that’s what I’m working toward and I feel good about this effort. I didn’t do so well with a case worker last time because I wasn’t really ready to go full blow immersion therapy but I think now that I’ve almost died and I’ve decided that life is just WAY too fucking short to be afraid to leave your house, that I can do it this time and be successful. I hate that I need help to do it though and I hope the case worker is nice. I think we need to go really really slow in order for this to work and that’ll have to start with my fear of the phone since that’s where the case worker will want to begin getting to know me. Stressful.

After the shrink appointment we went to a store called Minds Alive, which is an educational children’s store and we got all kinds of awesome stuff for geocaching. I got 2 little chunks of amethyst crystals, 3 of these little satin beanbag lizards that were only $1.50 a piece – a total bargain – and 2 little bouncy balls with Canada flags on them. Blake got little monster finger puppets and a little paddle thing with 2 balls, 1 on each side, and you rotate it between your palms so the balls knock on the paddles and it makes noise. I guess it’s a noise maker? I dunno, he got 1. He also got a Max doll from Where the Wild Things Are and I got SEA MONKEYS for Wes!

When Madison was little, I had all kinds of Sea Monkeys on my desk and she said she remembers them. But more on those later…

I was dying for a drink by the time we were done at Minds Alive so we went next door to this deli we’d never been to called Dino’s and we intended just to get a Diet Coke but it smelled SO GOOD in there that we decided to get sandwiches for dinner too. Blake got corned beef on rye and I got “Turkey Time” because at this deli, you don’t say “oh I want this and this and this and this” on my sandwich, you get what they say you get haha This was a SERIOUS, no bullshit deli. I loved it. I wanted to take picture in there so so so badly because I had my camera with me but I was too chicken to speak up and ask if I could and Blake didn’t seem to want to ask on my behalf. :o( Maybe if we go there again, which we probably will, I will.

This is Blake’s sandwich.
It has mustard on it. (Blech.)
But look at how much friggin’ meat they put on it?

I like to watch Blake eat.

Good food makes him really really happy.

I saved mine for when we got home.
I don’t like eating in cars, there’s just something about it that seems wrong.
I could only eat half of my sandwich so I gave Wes the other half to take to school for lunch today.
That kid would eat sandwiches for all 3 meals, if we’d let him.

Then it was Sea Monkeys time!

This is Wes putting in packet #1, which is a water conditioner.
You have to put in packet #1 and then wait 24 hours for it to do its thing before adding the instant eggs, which is what we’ll be doing today after school. Wes is VERY excited.

Orange is his favourite colour.

Then he went outside to ride his bike.

And Madison went outside to mow the lawn for the first time, in order to earn money for her Ottawa trip.
That’s Jacob, the neighbour’s kid. He just kinda hangs around.

These pictures aren’t so great because I forgot to focus using the lens. I’m so used to auto-focus on my point & shoot and if it’s far away I can just crop and make it look okay but you can’t really do that with the Rebel, or at least I haven’t figured out how yet. I’ve been reading the manual (slowly) but so far I’ve only used it on “P”, using the settings I know from my point & shoot. I’ll figure it out though, I’m fairly confident. I’ve decided that I absolutely LOVE the Rebel and I’m really glad I bought it.

And that was pretty much the end of my day. Madison finished mowing the lawn, and I think felt pretty proud of herself for doing so, and then she came inside to make food for her healthy food thing at school while we watched Grey’s Anatomy and then I went to bed, grateful for this happy, beautiful life.


May 17, 2012

Spring/Summer/Squam Clearance Sale!

So here’s the thing: I bought a new Digital Rebel for Squam last night because I couldn’t stand being the poor kid at rich kid art camp. It also happened to be on sale and with Blake’s employee discount, we got a really really good deal on it. I get a free lesson on how to use it whenever I choose to redeem that, I got 2 years warranty, an 8gb flash card and a camera case all for a much lower price than I would have gotten with Amazon (and with Amazon, I wouldn’t have gotten any of the extras.) Oh and I also get 125 free prints!

I haven’t used it yet, but all in all I’m pretty pleased with the purchase.

Of course now I have to pay for it though, which is fine, I do get a paycheque and can pay it off bit by bit, which was my original plan, but I’ve also decided to discount ALL of my paintings and ACEOs on Etsy to speed up the process and to also make room in my tiny house for all of the new stuff I’m working on. Most of the paintings have been discounted by more than $100 so make sure you take a look!

I’ve also lowered my ACEOs to $12 a piece, including shipping, and I’m probably not going to make more of them because they were such a pain in the ass to do the first time and I didn’t really enjoy the process at all.

So that’s that.

Yesterday was Madison’s 14th birthday and we went to the Mandarin, which is only the 2nd time I’d ever been to one. It was…weird. Buffets are just weird to me. Communal eating. I can’t say I’m a huge fan, to be perfectly honest, and I over-ate which I think is a thing for buffets and then I felt like garbage and I don’t think I’m going to be going to one of those again for a very long time. Too expensive, the food was just “okay” and the desserts were just kinda “meh” (although Blake thoroughly enjoyed his homemade waffles and ice cream).

After dinner we went to the mall to get my camera and after that we tried to do a cache in the parking lot of the mall but all signs point to its being muggled so we never found it. Bummer.

But that’s okay, despite feeling like barfing and everything, we all had a pretty good night, Madison had a good birthday (she got her badminton set yesterday morning so she was really happy) and I’ve got no complaints!

Today is a dressing change day so my nurse, Janice, is coming which is nice because since my wound isn’t as serious as it was before, I never get to see her. I get Cheryl instead. However Cheryl is getting laser eye surgery today so she’s not available.

It’s a strange relationship you have with these nurses. You’re thankful for them because you’d really be up shit creek without them but at the same time, you get really sick of seeing their faces because you want to be better already.

Next week, I think, I see the surgeon and hopefully she’ll have good news for me. When I had my CAT scan last week, they told me the pseudocysts on my pancreas had shrunk but they didn’t say by how much. I’m hoping it’s by a lot so I can get this final surgery out of the way. I worry about this surgery constantly because the recovery time for it is 8 weeks so if I have it like, RIGHT NOW, I would be more or less healed for our anniversary party in July but then if I have it the week after our anniversary party in July, then I’ll be just healed enough by the time Squam rolls around to be okay for that. If it can’t be fit in in between either of those windows, then I’m looking at the end of September, which is going to cause problems with my wound healing between now and then because of heat and moisture.

So like I said, hopefully Dr. Hanrahan will have good news for me because this started taking its toll on me a while ago and I’m just ready for this nightmare to be over. :o/

Lately I’ve been having nightmares about waking up in the hospital and being told that this whole thing happened again, that I’d missed another 2 months of my life that I don’t remember.  I wake up after these nightmares in a cold sweat, usually around 2am, and I have to come into my office to look at the date. The odds of it happening again are pretty slim, I’m told, so that’s good but still…

Okay I have half an hour left of work and then I’m putting my tired ass back in bed. Today’s a painting day, which I am greatly looking forward to because it feels like it’s been so long!

I hope you have a fantastic Thursday!

May 14, 2012

We had the BEST day!

So Mother’s Day was pretty great. I slept in until like, 11am which I never do anymore, and when I woke up, I was greeted with hugs and presents!

The children together, got me two of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer graphic novels (which I have to get to reading, I still haven’t read all the ones they got me last year…), then Wes gave me some pictures of flowers he drew in school and a poem where he said I was “amazing”, “artistic”, “cool”, “outstanding”, “loving”, “extraordinary” and that I mean so much to him and that he loves me “more than Mars”. He also gave me a Dragon’s Egg bath bomb from Lush.

Madison on the other hand…I knew she was up to something because all day Saturday she was in her room and she was going through my paint and asking to borrow paint brushes and stuff but I was not prepared for the awesomeness that would be bestowed upon me yesterday morning.


I’m not even kidding, check this out:

This is the original photo, which Blake gave to her (he gave her a bunch to choose from):

God, I love this kid.
Best. Present. Ever!!!

So that was the present portion of Mother’s Day. After that, Blake talked to Ronny and Alex to see if they wanted to go geocaching in Utopia with us, they said yes, and we scrambled to get ready for adventuring! I decided to have a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich for breakfast because I never get to have those since they’re 590 calories but I figured that we’d be doing lots of physical activity so it would be okay and as it turns out, it was more than okay (more on that at the end).  Smucker’s makes this new strawberry jam that comes in a squeeze bottle which means it’s SMOOTH, there are no nasty strawberry chunks in it like regular jam which is awesome because I HATE THAT and think it is BEYOND DISGUSTING.

Anyway, I ate it in the car on the way to Ronny and Alex’s house and it was fantastic. I also brought 2 bottles of water to bring geocaching and a half bottle of diet Coke.

We picked Alex and Ronny up at their house and then they followed us to Utopia. We got to the Tiffin Conservation area around 2pm and the adventure started immediately with a cache right6 outside the parking lot called “Log Licence Renewed”, which I found inside a LOG! It was a microcache so we all signed our names on the log and I used that opportunity to take pictures of the trillium that blanketed the entire forest floor in some places, like where that cache was:

I think I’ve mentioned it before but these are Ontario’s provincial flower and it’s illegal to pick them.

We hiked for about 20 minutes to the next cache on our list, which was “Don’t Cut the Red Wire” which all of us did last time we were out there, but we wanted Ronny to get that one too because it’s kind of a neat one so that’s what we did. This is Blake and Ronny figuring out the first part of the cache:

And this is what the device that tells you the coordinates for the final cache looks like:

There’s a legend on a piece of paper in the cache with the device (which IS the cache) and you touch the wires with a metal wand so the little lights on the left light up which corresponds with letters and that tells you the coordinates for the final cache. I forgot to take pics of the final cache, although it wasn’t anything spectacular anyway.

On our way to going back to Wonderball, we saw this:

No idea what kind of leg that is or what might have eaten the rest of it…

Next we went back to Wonderball because we bought a stamp pad to use instead of the crappy marker that was in the cache so I could get a better stamp, plus Ronny didn’t come with us when we went to it the first time so we wanted to show it to him. I didn’t bother taking pics of the actual cache this time because I did last time so you’ve already seen it, but I did take some pics of my favourite people while we were there:

And this is what the stamp looks like, because like I said, it’s a letterbox cache:

A few feet from Wonderball, I found a really awesome skull of something, but I don’t know what. I carried it around with me for a while intending to keep it, but I decided to leave it by a tree instead because really, what was I going to do with it? And also I didn’t want it in my bag the whole day either and Blake didn’t want it in his so I just decided to leave it behind. Here it is though, in case anyone has any idea what it might be of?

My guess was a raccoon.

After Wonderball, we went after “ROY G BIV”, which we ultimately never found and that bugged the crap out of me because it was a letterbox cache too. :o( I did take a pic of these little purple flowers on the way to finding it though:

Oh and I took pics of my friends…

And my kid…

Then we went to find “Moontaker”, which was another letterbox and I got this cool stamp:

Almost all of the caches in this area were placed in 2007 for the Central Ontario Geocachers’ Spring Fling “mega event” and as such, the theme was 007, hence the names of a lot of them. Like “Cachino Royale” was another one we found and “003 1/2” and “Moneypenny’s Diaries”. I’ve never seen a James Bond movie so I’m not sure if the others were named after them or not, like the next one we went to was called “Cones Around the Bend” and it was a camouflaged microcache hidden in a goddamn pine tree! Those are THE WORST! But Madison found it with her eagle eyes and I took these pictures of her (she didn’t want her picture taken but it was Mother’s Day and we waited extra time when getting ready for her to iron her hair [who flat iron’s their hair to go hang out in the fucking woods?] so we said TOO BAD!)

Alex is in the background, signing the log.

Madison is ticklish!

Madison died.

This is Wes opening a cache but I forget which one and now that I look at the list, I think we might have missed this one when we were logging at the end of the day because it’s definitely not any of the ones on the list Blake sent us…hmmm….must investigate later…

Madison finally said “okay FINE, ugh” when I pestered her about taking her picture so I got these shots. She’s so fucking pretty, I don’t know why she doesn’t want her picture taken all the time.

Plus she’s wearing my shirt.

“Get it over with, mother.”

And our final cache of the day was called “You Have a Nasty Habit of Surviving” and it was another letterbox! YAY! (Those are my favourite, in case you couldn’t tell.) Here’s the stamp from that:

It wasn’t a microcache so I dunno why the stamp says “micro”. Maybe that was the name of the person who made it.

By the time we got back to the parking lot, it was 6pm which meant we’d been hiking up and down hills and traipsing through the woods and muck for 4 HOURS!

We were all pretty hungry and thirsty so we decided to meet up at South St. Burger Co. for burgers and poutine and milkshakes made out of REAL ice cream! I know I’ve posted about this place before, but I cannot sing its praises enough. They use grass fed, organic beef and you can really tell the difference in their burgers. I mean, they actually taste like BEEF, not SALT to cover up the taste of crappy beef like McDonald’s or Burger King or Wendy’s. (Actually I’ve never had Wendy’s so I’m just guessing.) It’s still fast food, but it just tastes so much better and it feels so much more nourishing, if that makes sense. You don’t feel like shit after you eat it like I often do after I eat a McMeal. It IS pretty pricey though for fast food. We got 4 burgers, 2 large poutines (with a coupon where you got one for $2), onion rings, 3 softdrinks (2 smalls, 1 large) and 2 milkshakes and it was apparently almost $60. I think it’s worth it though.

While we were at South St. I logged my physical activity into the app I use to track my calories called My Fitness Pal and it said that for 4 hours of hiking I burned 1409 calories! My daily calorie allotment is only 1200! Even after my cruddy breakfast, my fast food dinner and the ketchup chips I ate later on, I was UNDER calories by 666! hahaha!

Sunday nights is Game of Thrones and Mad Men night so after dinner, we all parted ways and would meet up again at our house around 8:30pm for Game of Thrones.

On our way home, I was feeling pretty good and I thought I deserved a treat since I got out of the house and did so much physical activity, so I asked Blake if we could stop off at the grocery store. He said okay. I also informed him that I would be going into the store and getting ketchup chips and paying with my debit card all by myself. He asked if I could also get margarine and I said okay.

So that’s what I did. I went in the store, and I was pretty much shaking uncontrollably, but I know the grocery store pretty well, especially the junk food aisle, so I went in with my bag that Blake gave me (like, reusable grocery bag) and first I looked at the cake but there was nothing inspiring so I went to the junk food aisle and a regular sized bag of ketchup chips was $2.99 but a FAMILY sized bag was $2.66 so I got the bigger one (obvs) and then I went to the margarine aisle and was shocked at how much margarine is. It’s like 7 fucking dollars for the kind we get! (Olive Oil Becel) I couldn’t even believe it!

Then I took my items to the checkout and there was a line so I wanted and tried not to freak out and then another cashier opened her checkout so some people left to go to hers but I stayed in my original line since the lady in front of me was almost finished. When it was my turn everything was just a blur. I couldn’t tell you what I said to the guy who was checking me out. I know I was nice and polite to whatever he said, but that would be all I could tell you. While I was pressing the buttons on the debit machine, he put my stuff in my bag to which I thanked him for, and then the transaction was approved so I removed my card from the machine, put it back in my wallet, said goodbye and took my bag and went back to the car.

When I got in the car Blake asked me if everything went okay and I said it did and he left it at that. Inside my head I was going over everything with a fine tooth comb, trying to figure out which part didn’t go right but there was nothing so I was kind of overwhelmed with that. I didn’t know how to feel or react so I just kind of didn’t. I know I could do that because I knew I had enough cash in my wallet to cover the purchase if the debit machine didn’t work for some reason. Also as a backup, I knew there was enough money in both of our bank accounts to cover it so if one didn’t go through for some reason, I could use the other, but I knew it would go through because we had the money.

All in all, it was a positive experience. I don’t know what got into me that I thought I could do that, but I did and all went well so I’m not traumatized. I still doubt very much that I could walk there and do the same thing but maybe eventually…I know there are 3 letters waiting for me at the post office if I ever got up the courage to go there and get them but who knows when that will happen…

Anyway, we came home and I had a shower because I was disgusting and sweaty and just plain gross and my wound was seeping through its bandage so we had to change my dressing anyway. There was no more breakdown than before but the fact of the matter is, the damn thing’s not going to heal under these conditions and there’s nothing that can be done. All we can do is try to keep it from getting infected between now and whenever I have surgery.

At about 8:30pm, Ronny and Alex got here and we said goodnight to Wes, then the rest of us watched Game of Thrones. Then Ronny & Alex left and Blake and I watched Mad Men. Then Blake went to bed and I watched The Pitch, which is a terrible show about D level ad agencies trying to win accounts with terrible ideas. It’s kind of horrific, actually.

And then I could barely keep my eyes open so I went to bed! Then this morning Cheryl came and changed my dressing again, I had a nap, then I woke up, started writing this post and now it’s almost 4:30pm.

Madison and I are going to watch Toddlers & Tiaras and I’m going to work on my painting for the rest of the day. I’m still exhausted from yesterday, like, barely keeping my eyes open kind of exhausted, but maybe if I drink a diet Coke, the caffeine will kick my ass into gear and I can get some work done.

I hope all the mamas out there had a good one yesterday! Happy Mother’s Day!

May 11, 2012

I should be painting, but I’m not…

There’s a few things on my mind that are really bothering me so I think I should just get it all out there and out of my head so I can go onto other things.

The first thing that’s really getting under my skin is Madison’s grade 8 Ottawa trip. Grade 8 graduation is kind of a big deal here and I’m told it’s not really a big deal anywhere else, which I didn’t know before now. For grade 8 graduation, you get a fancy dress that costs about $300 and there’s a dance and a ceremony and you get your hair did and there’s a limo to drop you off at the event and you get a corsage and sometimes graduation gifts too (I got a $300 typewriter from my grandparents for mine which was pretty state of the art for its time). And there’s usually a big trip at the end of your grade 8 year to either Quebec or Ottawa. I didn’t have a grade 8 trip or if there was one, I didn’t go (I forget now, I kinda think there was one and I didn’t go because I got in a lot of trouble in grade 8 and it’s quite possible that I just wasn’t allowed to go).

Anyway, Charlie’s making sure that Madison’s grade 8 graduation is spectacular because he’s a kind man and Madison is very fortunate to have him in her life.

But there’s this damn Ottawa trip coming up at the end of the month, which is fine, every Canadian should see Ottawa at some point in their lives and that’s that. I think total, the trip cost about $500 total, paid in increments throughout the year.

There was an info meeting for parents last week and the tour people said that the kids only needed about $10 spending money because everything is more or less paid for. Blake, being a cheap bastard, said that was great and declared Madison would only be getting $10 and he said this in front of Madison’s teacher and some of her classmates. When they came home from the meeting, I got him to double it.

The next morning when Madison came to school, her teacher TEASED HER for only being allowed to have $10 and has teased her several times about this, according to Madison. I guess everyone at school is talking about how much their parents are giving them to bring on the trip and some kids are getting up to $200 and some parents are just giving their kids CREDIT CARDS to bring with them and they are ALL making fun of Madison for only being allowed to bring $20 and $25 of her allowance that she’ll be getting between now and the trip. I felt bad for her so I’m taking $20 of my own money and giving it to her for her birthday to bring with her, bringing her total up to $65.

But this kid of mine…she insists on getting me a Mother’s Day gift with her own money as the kids traditionally do. I’ve told her not to and then she said she would anyway so I told her just to get me a Skor bar and I guess at one of the store sin town you can get 2 SKor bars for $1, so I told her to get that. She said that’s not enough. I argued with her but in the end I just said “it’s your money, but I don’t need anything and would rather you use the money for your trip”. So I dunno what she’s going to do.

But what pisses me off is that her whole class is making fun of her for being the poor kid and that’s breaking my fucking heart. And it’s not even so much that we’re not giving her a ton of money to spend because we can’t afford it, I mean, you guys reading this are great and if I told you this story and ended it with a plea to give Madison spending money for her trip, a lot of you would contribute, but that’s not what this is. It’s that we don’t see what she would need a ton of money for.  When the whole tour is paid for and we already paid like, $500 for the trip in the first place, what does she really need spending money for? She said to buy a t-shirt, well she has enough for a t-shirt with $65. She said to buy drinks and snacks for the bus, well she has enough with $65 for that too. She doesn’t need a whole crapload of souvenirs for a place that’s only 6 hours away. As far as I’m concerned, you only need ONE thing to remind you of your time there, not a whole bunch of things. I mean, really all Ottawa has is our government, it’s not like they’re going to Sudbury to see the nickel mines where there’s a ton of different types of minerals and shit you can buy as souvenirs or North Bay where they mine amethyst or Banff where they used to mine gold and therefore you can buy Canadian gold as a souvenir if you want to. (I have some from when my mm and I went when I was about 2.) I’m just saying that you can buy shit with Canada flags on it EVERYWHERE.

But like, these asshole kids are all bragging about how much their parents are giving them to come and they’re making fun of Madison for being the poor kid, which sucks because she’s already one of the biggest “losers” in her class so this isn’t helping her self-esteem any and I just feel really really bad for her. It breaks my fucking heart. She’s asked me a million times if she can do extra chores and stuff to earn more money to bring but we’ve got everything already covered chore-wise in her allowance (supervising Wes doing dishes, vacuuming sometimes and the bathroom).

She’s told everyone and their brother that all she wants for her birthday next week is cash to bring with her to Ottawa but I already know that everyone’s gotten her other things instead.

I don’t know what the right thing to do here is. Do we give her more money so she won’t be picked as badly on as the poor kid? (Like why are they all even talking about this stuff anyway, has no one taught these kids that it’s impolite to talk about money this way?) Literally all I can spare (from my Squam fund) is $20 extra and Blake’s pretty much tapped out too. It’s stretching it as it is for us to give her the $40 she’s getting from us. I think maybe Blake should advance her allowance a bit but at the same time, should Madison be bailed out this way? Is that good parenting or should we make her tough it out? No matter how much money we give her, she’s going to be bringing the least amount of money because the lowest person she knows of so far is bringing $150.

And I am SO ANGRY at her teacher for encouraging this shit by doing it herself. I could spit nails. I’m not sure what to do about that situation either.

So what would you guys do? I’m at a loss.

The other things that’s bothering me is Live Journal etiquette. There is someone on my friend’s list on Live Journal that drives me nuts because all they talk about is one thing. Well, I guess it’s more than one thing but it all stems from one particular issue and all I hear from this person is excuses and “poor me” crap and I realize we all have our moments but I’ve been reading (or more to the point, skipping) this person’s journal posts for a couple of years now and it’s all the same, it’s all this one track mind thing and it makes me insane. And like, this person and I, we have this same thing in common and that’s how we became LJ friends but you don’t see me posting about that and only that for years on end, even when it was a huge part of my life (and I guess it still is but there’s not much to say about it). I just wonder, does this person not have any other interests? Because it’s literally only posts about this one thing.

So I want to defriend this person so I don’t have to scroll past their entries anymore but I feel bad just cutting them off like that because I would feel bad if someone did that to me (depending on the person). But I know that even if I explained my position to this person, they would just freak out on me and list all the ways that I’m a terrible person guilty of the same thing and I don’t want to deal with that crap either. This person is very dramatic and would quite probably shit on my head because I’ve seen them do that to a whole bunch of other people who have exited their life for similar reasons.

I should also probably add that I don’t think this person is reading my entries either because they hardly ever comment in my journal. I definitely comment in theirs more often than vice versa. And to be clear, I have zero animosity toward this person and I think they feel the same way about me, it’s just that I don’t feel we have very much in common anymore and it really bothers me to see them in the same place in their lives as they were, with like, no growth whatsoever (as far as what they post on LJ) and no mention of anything outside of the same one or two issues, for about 3 years. It’s extremely frustrating to me, especially knowing that if I made any attempt to help them get out of their rut (so to speak), it would either fall on deaf ears or may actually be met with hostility and excuses.

So how do I break ties with this person amicably? What’s the protocol here? My first instinct was to fake an LJ friends cut and say that I cut a whole bunch of people when really, I only cut this one person, but that’s just not honest and I don’t think I would feel good about that.

And of course now that I’ve posted this, if I do cut this person, they’re going to know I was talking about them. I keep thinking that if it were me, I would want to just be cut and then if the cut bothered me, I would contact the person to find out why. In fact, I did that very thing about a month ago when a friend cut me and I was curious as to what I did to offend them that deeply so I e-mailed them and as it turned out it was a mistake and they refriended me.

I dunno…I’m just not good at this. You’d think I would be after all these years, but I’m not. The only time I’ve ever done a friends cut was when there was a security breech and chances are, I didn’t cut the person behind that anyway so reacting to it was probably pointless and I probably offended a lot of people. :o/

Oh and the reason this is even an issue at all is because Live Journal e-mails you now to say that someone’s defriended you so if/when I do it, they’ll be notified. When I get the notification that someone’s defriended me (and I don’t really know who the person is to begin with), I just automatically defriend them back and that’s that, no questions asked, but I really do think this person will take it personally (and I guess it sort of IS personal) and react negatively and I really really don’t want that.

At the same time, they’re probably not even reading this post because they don’t seem to read my posts anyway so…I dunno.


I have a staff meeting in about 40 minutes so hopefully I can get through the rest of this post before that (keeping in mind that when I make a post, I have to also cross-post it to Camwhores, which is a whole annoying thing THAT SHOULDN’T BE ANNOYING but it is because the forum there messes up my formatting because it’s buggy as FUCK and it takes me 10 more minutes to post anything over there).

The other thing weighing on me is that I’ve still only made it to Heritage Park the one time. I walked there in the cold and I stayed there for about 10 minutes and then I walked home. Blake bribed me with an apple danish from the bakery.

I never made my agoraphobia sticks. The idea seems really stupid now. And I even bought more sticks (well, Blake did) to do it.

I’ve been trying to read a little bit of Mind Over Mood every night (that’s a cognitive behavioural therapy workbook) but it’s really difficult and I don’t feel like I’m retaining any of the information. I didn’t think it would be this slow. It’s also really dry material too so I can’t really sit down and like, read it because I don’t want to. It’s boring. They try not to make it boring and for the most part I guess it’s actually pretty good but I just can’t get in the mood to read ANYTHING right now, not even the two books I just bought from Amazon (The Bloggess’ memoir that I forget the name of and I’m not liking and Bossypants by Tina Fey). I just can’t seem to do anything these days but fuck around on the internet and wait around emergency rooms. Like right now I feel totally guilty for not working on the painting I started a few days ago and have pretty much abandoned.

I’m straying from my point: cognitive behavioural therapy is HARD, especially when you’re trying to do it by yourself. I’m just not convinced this book is going to help me and therefore I kinda feel like it’s a waste of my time. Annd I’m only even on the second chapter.

I think what I need to do is actually sit down and read the damn thing, make a concerted effort, but that just seems like such a huge boring waste of time to me that I can’t seem to do it. I wish it was like, classes on video that I could listen to while I paint. I learn the best way doing that. By listening. I used to be good with “book learnin'” but I just don’t have the patience for it anymore it seems. So how do I remedy that? How do I sit down and read this fucking book and retain the knowledge within? Because I need to read this book and I need to make myself better. I almost fucking died. Life is too short to be lived within these 4 walls. I need *experiences*, I need to GROW or I’ll be like the person I want to defriend and only post about the same 2 or 3 things all the time! I agree with Mena Suvari’s character in the movie American Beauty: nothing is worse than being boring and I am at risk, if not already there.

So I need to fix that. Maybe I need Ritalin or something. I think I see my shrink next week so maybe I’ll ask her about that. What’s one more pill?

So that’s what’s on my mind today. That’s what’s bothering me. If you can help, that’s great, if not? Thanks for listening anyway. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel like you’ve been heard.

May 10, 2012

Hospital Part Deux

We got there at NOON and didn’t get home until right now (after stopping at the pharmacy because I’m crawling out of my skin due to Percocet and the grocery store to get Olivieri fresh ravioli for dinner because we had a buy one, get one free coupon woot!) Oh it’s, 5:47pm btw.

So my pseudocysts are not infected, which is what Dr. Hanrahan was worried about and my “amylase” (pancreatic juice blood stuff) was down to 62 and “normal” is between 30-110 U/L (which I guess is units by litre?) Yesterday it was 157. I guess that’s what a “pancreas attack” looks like as far as blood work.

The nurses were evil vampires from hell. They missed my veins a whole bunch of times so they poked me like literally 15 times in 3 different places. I was VERY brave though and didn’t cry. I wanted to. I cried a little once they left the room. But THEY DIDN’T BREAK ME. (It was 2 separate nurses even! WTF!)

So that’s what happened. Oh and my creatinine is 112 (normal is 46-92). That’s my kidney function. I have to look it up because I forget what it was last time, but I think that’s lower than before, which is good. Especially since today I wasn’t doing the best diet-wise. (Fritos for breakfast, McDonald’s hamburger and pretzels for lunch…doot doot doo…I swear I don’t eat like that all the time…) Urea was 8.8 (normal is 2.5-6.1 and I think that has something to do with the kidneys as well).

The doctor said my liver enzymes were high but I don’t know what those are on the test (I got a print out to take to Dr. Hanrahan when I see her next) and she said that’s probably normal for me because it was similar to yesterday’s test. My glucose was 7.6 (normal is 4.2-6.1) which has me a little worried because the pancreas, of course, is in charge of insulin and I didn’t really have anything sugary to eat today. I hadn’t even had more than 3 sips of diet Coke before the test (not sure if that raises blood sugar or not, I’m guessing not).

I don’t really know what the rest of the stuff on the test is so I won’t bother listing it all. The point is that my pancreas blood juice was well within the normal range, so that’s a very good thing. I am 100% totally fine (aside from the stuff that’s not fine, like my ugly, gross, herniated abdomen).

Our Nielsen scanner came yesterday! I’d totally forgotten with all the rush of stuff we did yesterday and all the sleeping I did because the morphine knocked me the fuck out! While Madison makes us dinner (we got garlic bread and red velvet cupcakes too because I am ONE YEAR SMOKE FUCKING FREE, PEOPLE! we are celebrating!) I’m going to download the software for it and set it all up and then teach everyone how to use it. From the looks of the booklet, it’s pretty straight forward.

I started working on a new girl yesterday while we started season 5 of Doctor Who. She’s going to have brown hair, brown eyes and a yellow and white dress. Her background is going to be yellow gold, cream and light yellow. And it’s going to have white, glittered daisies with orange centers! It is going to be a masterpiece! As for Doctor Who, I don’t think I like the new Doctor (11) and I really don’t think I care for Amy Pond. She’s cute and pretty, so I guess that’s a plus, and granted, I’ve only seen two episodes with her, (and him) but I’m not really liking the duo to be perfectly honest. I find him to be kind of a dick and not in an endearing way. I dunno, I’ll give it a fair shake and I like the show obviously so I’ll keep watching, maybe they get better, but those are my initial thoughts. I do find it interesting, as Blake pointed out, that with the episodes we’ve seen (maybe we saw 3, I forget), she’s “saved the day” each time. Not him.

So we’ll see.

Also as a present for being Smoke Free For An Entire Year Blake got me this month’s Martha Stewart magazine and on the front it has yellow and orange swirled meringue cookies! I LOVE MERINGUE COOKIES AND I LOVE YELLOW! So maybe I can get Madison to make those for me before it gets humid and you can’t make them anymore (because they’ll burn – it’s like, chemistry). The magazine also promises to give me party tips, so I could definitely use those since we’re having a party in July.

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say. I’m kind of fucking starving so I think it’s time to get this dinner thing on the go. Toodles!

PS. We did a cache at the hospital! It was inside one of the lights in the parking lot! Also our Sketchbook Project sketchbooks came yesterday too, so starting this weekend, me and the kids are going to start working on them! AND Blake and Wes got their 4 x 6 Exchange pieces of art yesterday too but I’m not going to post them until we all get them!  They were both pretty cool though! EXCLAMATION POINT!

PPS. It’s Madison’s 14th birthday in 10 days! If anyone planned on getting her anything, her wishlist is here!

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