The last few days have been…torturous. My gallbladder has been acting up which has made me extremely barfalicious. The list of things I can keep down is significantly smaller than the list of things I can’t and I am really sick of barfing my guts up constantly. My stomach muscles hurt from throwing up.
Yesterday we went to my mom’s art show, which was my longest voyage yet and we got poutine on the way there. I only took a few bites of mine because we got it from Galaxy Diner and I’d forgotten that I don’t like their gravy and I’d also forgotten that I don’t like cheese anymore. My vanilla Coke was delicious though!
Anyway, on the way to the art show, I had to get Blake to pull over to the side of the road so I could throw up. Then when I was finished (I got barf on my shoe :o(), I got him to stop off at the gas station to get me a bottle of water and some chapstick because I didn’t bring any because originally I had full makeup on, including lipstick, so all I’d brought was lipstick. Oh and I got him to buy Kleenex. I used the kleenex to wipe off all of my makeup because honestly you guys, I’m sick. I’m really really sick. And I look sick. And when you put makeup on a person who looks sick, I think they just end up looking garish and I got paranoid that’s how I looked after I barfed, so I used the kleenex and water to get all my makeup off and rinse my mouth and I put chapstick on and we were on the road again.
My mom was pretty happy to see me when we got there and not to be a plug whore but my mom and the other artists involved in the show are really really talented and Xmas is right around the corner. It’s a sunny day, you should be outside doing stuff! So that’s what I suggest, go to my mom’s art show, have a coffee and some country harvest soup and look at all the things they have for sale. You’ll thank me.
So I sat with my mom and her friends for a few hours and one of her friends, Jamie, has the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen so that was pretty entertaining and I took my walker around with my mom to see everything they had for sale, then I hung out some more while drinking ginger ale which my mom’s friend Lisa gave me because she’s like, psychic or something. Then it was time to go.
I had a little bit of a break down when it was time to go because I needed both my mom and Blake to help me down the stairs and nothing much makes you feel more like an invalid than that. :o/
But then we said goodbye and got me in the car and off we went.
The ride home was pretty uneventful except for the fact that about 15 or 20 minutes from home I felt sick but I held it in and when we got home, Blake and I quickly got me out of my “civilian clothes” and back into my hospital gown (we stole two from the hospital, shhhhh don’t tell) and no sooner did I sit down on my living room bed and got the sheet over me and the pillow on my lap ready for my computer did I feel sick again. I keep a bowl on the bed for this express reason so I grabbed it and immediately started barfing my guts up. I don’t even know what came up this time. Can you barf up gallstones? Because what came up was basically ginger ale, bile and a whole bunch of weird stuff that looked like over-cooked hamburger (and I didn’t eat hamburger, over-cooked or otherwise).
Blake did some Googling this morning after I barfed up a pancake and basically I should be on the BRATY diet which really sucks because I don’t like half of what’s on it. The BRATY diet is: bananas (ew), rice (double ew), applesauce (meh), toast (blah) and yogurt (I can only stomach ONE brand of yogurt, which Blake is in Barrie getting right now, along with diet ginger ale if such a thing exists). I think I’m going to attempt spaghatta nadle for dinner with full knowledge that I’ll probably barf it up but with high hopes that I won’t. (I barfed it up last time, but that’s not to say I’ll barf it up every time.) About an hour ago I had Sunny’s Famous Barf-Proof Soup which I’m assuming is going to become a staple if I want to get healthy enough to have my surgery. Here’s the recipe:
Sunny’s Famous Barf-Proof Soup
You will need:
– one small onion
– either cubed, frozen carrots or baby carrots cut up (about a handful)
– half of a chicken breast
– olive oil
– Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup
Here’s what you do:
– Get a pot. Put as much water in the pot as the Lipton soup recipe calls for but DON’T PUT THE LIPTON SOUP IN YET OR SPACE YETIS WILL COME DOWN FROM PLANET ZENON AND EAT YOUR BRAIN!
– Dice your small onion and put it in the water.
– Dice your carrots and put them in the water. (Or put your frozen carrots in, whatever.)
– Cut your chicken breast into small pieces and fry them in the olive oil. When they’re done, add them to the water.
– NOW ADD THE LIPTON SOUP MIX TO THE WATER AND PREPARE IT AS INSTRUCTED ON THE PACKAGE, BUT STIR IT A LITTLE MORE OFTEN THAN YOU WOULD OTHERWISE.
When it’s done, put it in a bowl, add crackers if that’s your thing and enjoy.
If you e-mail me to say that you barfed this up, I will simply put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and shout “lalalalalalalalala!” until Blake puts your e-mail in the garbage because it is IMPOSSIBLE to barf anything this bland up. The beauty of it though is that it gives you NUTRIENTS *and* replaces the salt you lose when you barf other things up. So yeah, there ya have it.
Okay back to me now. Blake’s in Barrie getting Madison new bras and jeans and me yogurt and diet ginger ale. I hope he hurries up because my stomach hurts and I would really like one of those ginger ales but for now I’ll settle for a 100 calorie “baby Coke” because that’s what we have. I know it’s the ginger that makes you not barfy, but Coke helps too because Coke is love. I hate that Coke Zero tastes like gross chemicals to me now because regular Coke is so bad for your teeth. :o/ I guess the acid in Coke Zero is bad for your teeth too, but according to my dentist it’s nowhere near as bad as the sugar in Coke. Whatever…barfing ain’t that great for my teeth either.
Right now my guts are in pain from barfing and this is apparently what’s called a “gallbladder attack” and it fucking sucks. On October 4th I see the surgeon and she’ll tell me when I can have my surgery to get rid of that motherfucker. Her name is Dr. Hannerhan and she’s like, a super ninja surgeon badass out of hell. And she has nice glasses too. I feel very safe in her capable hands.
I forget if I’ve explained the surgery yet but basically what happened was, when they cut me open at St. Mike’s and made my cheese pizza wound, they created a hernia that made my guts spill out of where they’re supposed to be. That’s why I currently look like a pregnant guppy. Dr. Hannerhan is going to go in there with Ginsu knives and put everything back in its place, except for my gallbladder, which she’s going to put in a little metal bowl and dispose of (no, they won’t let me keep it, I asked – though they may let me keep the stones). Then I’m going to wake up in a world of fucking pain and they’re going to keep me in the hospital for a few days to keep an eye on me and regulate my pain meds. I’m on a LOT of pain meds right now and they barely cut the pain, which means I’ll be on more than this after surgery. Since she’s a plastic surgeon, she’s also going to get rid of the excess skin I’ll have once my guts are put back together. She said that when she was done with me, I’d have a flat stomach so SCORE! Go on the “almost dying diet” and you’ll come out of it 40 lbs lighter and with a flat stomach!
So that’s been my last few days. Right now my hydromorph and Tylenol 3 are kicking in, which means it’s time for me to have a nap. Gooooodnight nurse!