I don’t really want to talk or write about today, I want to forget it.

I am having a 2 hour laser laparoscopy on August 4th where the specialist will zap all visible endometriosis which will ideally relieve me of the bulk of my pain both daily and monthly. I saw the specialist for about 3 whole minutes, then was passed off to another doctor who did a vaginal exam that hurt like fucking hell and then she’s all “I’m going to examine you rectally now”….oh joy of joys and that hurt like hell too because I have endometriosis pretty much everywhere in the pelvic cavity and in order for her to feel the adhesions, she had to be rough with me. I’ve had cramps and bleeding ever since.

The specialist actually knows the doctor who did my first 3 laparoscopies and will be requesting my files from those surgeries to see what happened with them.

After the physical exam, I was sent back into the waiting room to fill out paperwork for the surgery, so I did that, but when I went back up to the counter to give the secretary my forms and she was giving me instructions on the surgery and where the hospital is and what my doctor needs to fill out, I had probably the 2nd worse anxiety attack I’ve ever had. The room spun, my hearing was fucked and everything sounded like I was under water, I felt dizzy and lost vision, my hands went numb, my mouth went dry.

I didn’t know what to do. So I told her I was having massive anxiety and she said something like “oh don’t worry, he (the dotor) has done thousands of these” and I told her that it wasn’t that, it was that I’m agoraphobic and I’m not used to dealing with this many people in an office in downtown Toronto. She was not sympathetic, she just kept on giving me instructions and having me paperwork. I thought about asking her to just hang on while I went to sit down for a minute and take an Ativan, but she didn’t give me an opportunity to politely do that, so I just faked that I was okay and listening and nodded my head and did my best to hold it together until we got the fuck out of there.

The doctor’s office was in a big medical building with elevators, so when we left the office we were in a big hallways with the elevators and as soon as the doctor’s office door closed I pretty much collapsed beside the elevators and couldn’t move. I took an Ativan and waited for it to dissolve while we waited for the elevator to come up and when it did we got on and went straight to the car. We were half way to Barrie before I was okay again and I’m crying even thinking about it.

So that was my day.

We have to be at the hospital in Toronto on August 4th at 7am, which means leaving our house at 5am and my surgery is at 9am.

And that’s all I have to say about that.