Fun Fact: I have this theory that if one can live a karmically neutral life, at the end of it rather than reincarnating, your energy just dissipates into nothingness. Personally, that’s what I’m going for.

So this afternoon I had a shower, put real clothes on (as opposed to PJs) and even a little bit of makeup and then I sat here for like, 3 hours trying to make a video blog using iMovie and my iSight. Well…I’m just not a vlogger, I don’t think. Moving video of myself, to me, is just the absolute fucking creepiest thing and I can’t stand it. I haven’t given up on the idea of making at least one video blog for shits, giggles & sheer posterity (eventually), but using iMovie with the preview window & all, just isn’t the way to go about it, I’ve decided.

I’m not sure if anyone’s been paying attention, but I’m kinda in the process of seriously re-evaluating and reorganizing my life and this site and the internet in general is a really big part of that. I didn’t do a big New Year’s post because I don’t do the resolution thing as a rule, and new years don’t mean a whole lot to me because, like a lot of people, I’m still just a big kid and the “new year” starts in Sept., ends in June and summer is just this period of awesomeness that’s outside of the calendar year. I’ll know I’m a grown-up when suddenly January means something to me.

I can’t even really say that I’m working on any particular goals, outside of NOT going nuts and ending up in the hospital again this winter, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how life is going to change around me pretty hardcore in the next year and what opportunities & pitfalls that’s going to create.

Wes, my youngest, is turning 4 in a couple of weeks, which means that he’s going to be starting junior kindergarten in the fall. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have immense issues surrounding this fact, not because of the whole “my baby’s leaving me” thing but because of how it’s going to change the structure of my day and routine in general, as well as the pressure I’m feeling because when your youngest starts kindergarten, usually women go back to work or school or find a job or something and that’s basically what society expects people to do.

But that’s not what I want to do and half my problem is that I don’t really even KNOW what I want to do yet, beyond the shit I already do. :| All I know is that (among other things) I’ve got $32,000 worth of student loans that aren’t going to go away and I can’t stay on interest relief forever, so come September, some decisions are going to have to be made.

I guess I’m a grown-up afterall. When the fuck did that happen? :(

Despite all this personal upheaval and mental junk I’ve been sifting through, there are a lot of things I’m looking forward to once days become mine again and a lot of things I’m attempting to work towards in the meantime, but at this point are mostly tentative. Right now I’m trying to get Sunnyland set up as a legitimate business. What kind of business, I’m not entirely sure yet, but hopefully one that makes more than the $15/month the bank’s charging me for a business account. I know I definitely want to make ‘zines again, I know I want to do something with Lulu.com eventually (have a few projects in mind), I want to set up my studio more as an actual studio where I can paint and cam and write and create and actually be somewhat productive, as opposed to it just being “the smoking lounge” with the leaky roof where we watch TV when people come over.

With the roof being fixed in the spring, this is all possible. When the teacup wall is complete, I can move the smoking lounge outside where it belongs. When Wes starts school, I can explore and do a lot of things I just can’t do now.

One of the things I’m really interested in is the town I live in because in some ways, it is so ass-backwards I can’t even believe it exists, let alone the fact that I live here. For months I’ve been trying to figure out a safe way to explore and add that dimension to things online, but I keep getting caught on both logistics, ethics and overal safety. I mean…is it really a good idea to blog about the town I live in? Especially when it’s teeny tiny, gossipy as all hell and the internet’s full of creepy stalker types? I’m not sure, but it’s something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to recently. The world I live in, the one in my head, the one inside my computer (which are mostly one in the same), it’s all very contrast to the environment in which I live and there’s a part of me that gets a really big kick out of that…but it could be ruined pretty easily if I exploit it creatively, so I’m trying to think and plan carefully.

I dunno, my mind’s just a jumble of plans and ideas these days, which is both worrisome and reassuring, but at least I feel as though I’m on a path to somewhere.

Basically? Just bear with me while I get my shit together, I’m workin’ on it.