March 14, 2001

Blowjobs 101

Readers Ask: How do I give a proper blowjob??

Well, there’s no “proper” way to give someone a blow job, I mean, blow jobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still pretty good, according to the boys who helped me in my quest for the perfect blow job techniques. So ladies, (and guys, if you’re into that sort of thing), throw out your Cosmo magazines that are full of shit, pull up a chair & take notes.

First of all, think of the head of the penis like your very own clitoris. The clitoris and head of the penis have the exact same nerve endings and are made of the exact same tissue.

Now think about your tongue. It’s a muscle, and like all muscles it can be flexed or relaxed to create a soft or hard tongue. Ladies, you know what happens when a guy mashes your clit with a hard tongue right? The next thing you know, he’s prying you from the ceiling and you’re mumbling something about kicking him in the face next time. Well, the same thing goes for guys. Because the head of the penis is like your own clit, a soft tongue is recommended. In fact, if you look closely at an erect penis, there’s a small scar (if he’s cut) where the head and the shaft meet. (If he’s not cut, it’s where the pulled down foreskin attaches to the head.) Survey says that’s the ticket to bliss if it’s manipulated properly.

Okay, it’s easier to give a blow job if the guy’s already hard. If he’s not, stroke him until he’s hard and then go down on him. The first few mouth movements should be soft, sort of ease into it. If you don’t, he can get overly sensitive right away and we don’t want that.

First, swirl your tongue over the head, especially where the head meets the shaft, but don’t put too much pressure into it, use a “soft tongue”. After about 20 seconds of doing this, plunge down and take him as deep into your throat as you can, stiffening your tongue so it slides down the underside of the shaft.

While he’s as far down your throat as you’re comfortable with, move your tongue up and down the shaft, stick your tongue out as far as you can to lick the base of the penis (if you can get it that far) or his balls.

When you come back up, rapidly wiggle your tongue back and forth along the base. Repeat this whole process a few times and try not to giggle as he gasps every time you deep throat, try to do that part when you think he’s not expecting it so he’ll begin to anticipate it.

Remember while doing this that you have two hands as well as a mouth. Stroke his balls while you’re tonguing the head of his dick. Playing with the balls while giving head is also a good way of figuring out what he likes if your boy’s not very vocal. Typically the balls will sort of scrunch up a bit when something feels particularly good and they’ll scrunch up completely when he’s about to cum.

If you do the above techniques, he’s going to last longer usually, so if you’re getting tired or “cocksucker’s cramp” you might want to speed things up by doing the age old “bobbing” method. Guys seem to vary on their appreciation of the act because girls seem to go at it much too fast. I’ve found that if you go up and down the shaft with your mouth, it’s good practice to make ample use of your tongue at the same time by wiggling it back and forth. Also, instead of the standard up and down movement, really get into it and turn your head from side to side a bit, sort of like a corkscrew motion.

If you’re doing this in the light, make sure you look up at him a few times while you’re sucking him off because guys seem to really be into that.
So, you’ve got him to the point of blowing his load…you’ve got three options: swallow, spit, or hop on. Most guys prefer to have you swallow, but my research has shown that most guys would prefer you to hop on rather than spit if it comes down to that. It was pretty close though as far as who preferred spitting to hopping on, so that might be something to discuss with your boy at some point.

If you don’t like having cum in your mouth, there’s various ways to alter it’s taste, unfortunately, the texture’s always going to be the same. I know some girls who have grown accustomed to the taste of it but to be honest I have no advice on how to go about doing that other than practice. (Your mother always said practice makes perfect, prove her right and tell her about your achievements the next time you see her.)

I would also like to note that the male g-spot (which is actually called the “a-spot”, I learned that the other night watching the Discovery channel) is the prostate gland, which you can only get to by inserting your finger into his rectum and doing a ‘come here” motion with a finger or two, towards the front of him. Cosmo magazine will tell you to “sneak a finger in there” while you’re giving him head but the boys I talked to when researching this article begged me to put something in here about ASKING FIRST. Definitely discuss adding this practice to your foreplay routine before you end up having to coax your boy out from under the bed.

Good luck and happy sucking!

Posted at 6:51 pm in: Sex

14 Comments »

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  1. Kim says:

    Just say no to circumcision and its scars. Circumcision often destroys the frenulum which is the most sensitive part of the penis. America is the only civilized nation on earth that still practices this bronze age barbarity. But even here it’s on the decline with about 60% of babies being cut.

  2. Middle School Teacher says:

    I disagree a little with Kim about circumcision. This year alone, two of my 7th grade students had to undergo circumcision because they were not cleaning themselves well and kept getting infections. For a 12 or 13 year old, having this procedure done is unusual, painful, and highly embarrassing. If parents elect to forego circumcision on their newborn, they should be aware of possible complications during puberty and be ready and willing to properly educate their sons.

    Furthermore, several types of research have documented that male circumcision significantly reduces the risk of HIV acquisition by men during penile-vaginal sex.

  3. Penile Proprieter says:

    Thanks for that info., middle-school teacher. Now I can suppose that my having been circumcised might at least have served some purpose, which is a consolation. Personally, if I have a male child I think I would still opt for being “ready… to properly educate [my] son,” instead of circumcising him.

  4. Kurt says:

    Maybe there irresponsible parents may want to teach their children about the importance of hygene, and the risks of not staying clean. I swear people today can’t even clean out their smegma

  5. seriously? says:

    Are people seriously so daft as to raise their children without ever teaching them about the importance of hygiene?

  6. Joe Blow says:

    Excellent guidance! I only wish that every girl that ever blew me followed it.

    And yes….. there IS such a thing as a bad blowjob. If a girl is not doing it well, it can become interminable. If your man pulls you up, and maneuvers you to do something else, that might be an indicator that your technique needs work. If you are sucking cock really well, it is highly likely that your man will surrender himself to the pleasure and indicate that he wishes you to continue.

    The only thing that I would add is, going slow and sexy is better, do not forget to actually SUCK while you are doing it, and do not forget to smile during the act. There is something special about a woman who looks into my eyes and then smiles up at me with a mouthful of my cock. That girl gets presents and money and surprises and stuff.

    Some final points.

    If you get tired, (and this is normal), remember that slow and sexy is better (and easier to sustain for a long period of time).

    Wet and sloppy with lots of spit works better. Sex can be messy. Get over the “ick” feeling.

    Licking up and down the shaft in a slutty fashion is nice. Do not be self-conscious. Look your man in the eyes, and tell him without words that you love him and you love his cock.

    While you are making eye contact, remember that sex actually occurs in the brain: understanding this is how you will make your man come. You can actually learn to control your man if your blowjobs are amazing enough. You want the garbage taken out? Blow him, and blow him well. You want the oil changed in your car? Blow him, and do it good. You want him to be nice to your mom? Blow him, and while he is being nice to your mom, whisper in his ear that you cannot wait to suck his cock when you get back home. A good blowjob will help you keep your man happy.

    While you are sucking, make some whimpering noises, but just let yourself do it naturally. If you surrender yourself to the horniness of the process, you will make awesome noises that will push your man over the edge to orgasm. Do not make fake noises, even if you are an accomplished actress. Being naturally noisy is crucial to a great blowjob. You do not have to talk dirty, unless you want to. Telling a man that you love his cock is not talking dirty. That should be something that you say to your man every day. Believe it.

    You should not hesitate to use your hand to stroke the cock from base to tip, swirling your hand around the tip. You can slowly jack the cock while you catch your breath, rest your jaw muscles, and tell your man how much you love the taste of his cock, and how much you need to feel it in your mouth. Just let yourself feel this way. It will come naturally to you, if you let yourself go, and if you surrender yourself to sucking your man’s cock.

    When it is time for him to blow his wad, hold the tip of his cock in your mouth, and lick the underside of the helmet, sucking at medium strength. Hold his cock, or hold his hips while he empties himself into your mouth, and let yourself squeal with delight. Some guys prefer to come deep in your throat. Try it both ways, and see which your man prefers. Either way, use your tongue to continue licking the underside of his helmet, or the shaft of his cock, while he is coming. Keep sucking until he is finished!

    Swallow the load, and like it. Make sure that he knows that you like the taste of his sperm, and do not omit to lick your lips. If you are blowing a man, you should be doing it because you love him. If you love him, you should love the taste of his sperm. If you do not…. do some thinking about why you are even blowing the guy. Refer to the above comments on a bad blowjob.

    After he is finished coming, lick him clean, and hold him while he shudders. His cock will be hypersensitive, so use a light touch. Afterwards, you will both be tired. He will be tired because you just gave him the best head of his life. You will be tired because it takes some effort to give a peerless blowjob. Lay across his legs, facing him, looking into his eyes, and keep his cock in your mouth, and just gently suck it as it shrivels.

    If his cock stays hard, and if he looks game, get up and mount up. Especially if he is young. It is now your turn. If he is older or wiped out, give him some time to recuperate. A good way to transition to your turn is to sit on his face. He can stay supine, and not get his heart rate up too high. As you both get into it, he can get up and roll you over and give you the ramming that you have earned.

    In any case, the last thing that you should ever do is get up and go to the bathroom to gargle, or to spit. Cuddle with your man after he has come in your mouth. This is actually very important. Your man will feel very abandoned if you leave him immediately after orgasm. Stay there.

    You can kiss your man after you swallow his come. If he acts like he does not want to kiss you with the taste of his come on your lips, gently slap him, and tell him that tasting his come on your lips after you have swallowed it does not make him gay. But then tell him that when you taste your pussy juices on his face after he eats you out, you fantasize about going down on a woman. Then kiss him again. He will get over himself, thinking about you going down on a woman.

    And do not forget to tell him that you love sucking his cock! Remember that you can do this at virtually any time. Like whispering it in his ear at church, or during dinner at your parent’s house, or when you are watching your favorite shows on TV. Just look at him and say, “Can I suck your cock?” This is also a real good way to defuse an argument.

    Works REAL good.

    Enjoy yourselves!

  7. allandra says:

    If he’s uncut, it’s probably best if he wash (or at least rinse) his pink bits before you get down to business. It should be obvious how a foreskin makes HJs easier for you and more fun for him. The foreskin can also contribute to a good BJ, but almost nothing has been written about this. Porn videos are no help either (straight porn simply does not do justice to the foreskin). Remember that the foreskin, especially the tip and the frenulum on the underside, is man at his most sensitive, in ways that Americans are only beginning to discover. Pull it forward with your lips and tongue. Slip the tip of your tongue between foreskin and head. Give little licks to his frenulum.

    Middle School Teacher, a few boys and teens have to get snipped because of medical issues. That is no reason to snip all babies at birth. In continental Europe, few boys and men go under the knife because of problem foreskins.

  8. Sunny says:

    Hmmmm. What an interesting conversation y’all are having here on a guide to giving head haha

    Allandra, I love your suggestions on giving an intact man a blow job, that sounds fantastic! And I agree with you that future issues is not an excuse to cut all babies at birth.

    Since this is my article and my site I guess I should give my opinion on circumcision: I don’t like it for religious reasons, but I can tolerate it. As I said, I don’t buy the whole “future complications” thing, I think the odds of that are not in favour of cutting all baby boys at birth and the only other reason to do it is cosmetic, which I don’t agree with at all.

    That said, my own son is circumcised as, not having a penis myself, I left that decision up to his father and he chose to have it done. I stayed in the car and cried until it was over.

  9. Twinkle says:

    I would just like to say to Joe Blow that loving a man does not necessarily involve loving the taste of his semen. I love my partner very much, but I don’t enjoy the taste of his semen. Fortunately, he is understanding about this and prefers to blow his load over other areas of my body instead, partly because he knows that I prefer it that way. Because if you’re in a loving relationship, it’s about what you both want.

  10. Heidi says:

    I worked with elderly men and you can teach your child all you want, but there is a chance at some point he will not be able to take care of him self as well when he is old. There are hernias, infections, and other things that can and do happen often. If by chance he ends up in a nursing home, very few nurses will pull back the turtle neck and wipe around the head. I did, because i have seen some pretty bad infections, but most do not and will not. Just a thought.

  11. Heidi says:

    HAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!

  12. Colin says:

    Marry me, Heidi. <3 bash.org

  13. J.R. says:

    Please, ladies, if you are going to attempt this for the first time, remember this: Teeth have little to no place in this activity. Too much tooth would be akin to him using a chainsaw dildo on you.


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