March 14, 2001

Pussy, It’s What’s For Dinner

Readers Ask: My girlfriend won’t cum when I give her oral sex, what am I doing wrong?

How to Be a Cunning Linguist…or Something

Well babycakes, you know how I said in my last article that blowjobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still pretty good? Unfortunately the same thing does not apply to eating pussy. Because each woman is different, I can only report on what works for me and the general consensus of the girls I talk to. (And believe me, we discuss this stuff more than you could even imagine.)

I think the first thing to remember when going down on a girl is that not all pussies are created equal. Just because your ex enjoyed having your thumb up her ass while you lapped at her like a hungry dog, doesn’t mean I’m going to, okay? (But hey, some chicks dig that and like all anal play, I suggest you discuss this with her before trying anything funny.)

In talking with friends during our lunch hour, we came to several conclusions on what makes us purr or scream, or moan or whatever. The first thing we all agreed on was that, like giving head, knowing the difference between a “soft tongue” and a “hard tongue” is key. A hard tongue on a fully engorged clit is rarely a pleasurable thing and you’ll be putting ice on your face for several hours after you get a heel to the head.

You see, the clit gets sensitive really quickly, and when it does, it actually HURTS. Once it gets to that point, it almost feels as though someone’s going at it with a palm sander.

Another point I’d like to bring up is that the clit is key. Your tongue, unless it’s 4-6 inches long, is NOT a mini-cock. A girl’s g-spot is approximately 4-6 inches inside her vagina, so no matter how far you stick your tongue up there, you’re probably not going to reach it, making the move pretty much useless. The point to eating pussy is to stimulate the clit, and, if you’re especially talented, the g-spot, all at the same time.

To do this, place two fingers inside her while she’s laying on her back (not the best position for your elbows but too bad). Just below her cervix (that little bally thing with the crack in it), and above that rough spot (you know the one I mean) there’s a flat place. With both fingers, gently stroke that spot in the “come here” motion, curling your fingers towards the front of her body. You might feel it sort of push against your fingers and the entire vagina should get tighter after about a minute of doing this. (However, this move might take a bit of practice.)

As you’re using your fingers inside her, concentrate on the HOOD of the clit, using a soft tongue in circular motions. (This part varies wildly; some women say up & down tongue motions are better, but personally I say circular and so do 3 of the 4 friends I talked to about it.) A good rule of thumb when eating pussy is that the wetter it is, the better. There should be a decent layer of saliva or pussy juice between your tongue and her clit. No girl wants a dry tongue scraping across the most sensitive part of her body and no guy wants a concussion when she starts beating him over the head to stop.

Now, the most important thing when going down on a girl is to know how to read her. The majority of women aren’t going to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. This probably isn’t news but we’re chickenshits.

The easiest way to tell whether or not a chick is on her way to absolute bliss or just wondering what colour to paint the ceiling, is to listen to her breathing. Most girls hold their breath when they’re about to cum. I don’t know why, but we do. We even do it when we’re not going to cum but something feels good. If you listen to your girl very carefully while you’re down there, you might hear her stop breathing, then exhale louder than usual. This is a good sign. This means keep doing exactly what you’re doing. It doesn’t mean do it harder, faster, whatever, just keep doing exactly what you’re doing because it’s working.

Another good indication of your progress is her legs. If they twitch every time you do a certain thing, don’t do it. No matter how amusing you find it, stop doing that. That’s a huge indication that the clit is on it’s way to that palm sander thing I talked about earlier. I know you guys get a huge kick out of this twitching phenomenon (some of you have even admitted it to me) but for her sake and your well being, don’t do it.

If the legs start shaking and then all of a sudden stop, just put your hand on her inner thigh. If it’s hard and she’s flexing, keep doing what you’re doing. Another weird thing about chicks and cumming is that a lot of us tense our legs really tightly when something feels good or we’re about to blow. Again, I have no idea why, but if you’re listening to her breathing like a good boy, you’ll probably find that she’s holding her breath at the same time.

The fact of the matter is, we know you’re not mind readers, but somehow we think that if we try hard enough, we can psychically tell you what to do in order to put us in a state of euphoria. We’ve got this whole inner dialogue in our heads while you’re down there you know. We’re saying to ourselves “yeah yeah, do that! Oh, to the left, yeah, that’s the shit” or “okay buddy, five more seconds of that and I am sooooo not giving you the rim job I promised.”

The most important thing about eating pussy and doing it well, is communication. Unfortunately, as previously stated, women are chickenshits so you need guides like mine to decipher the code.

Bon apetit!

Posted at 7:12 pm in: Sex

Sunny’s Guide to Anal Sex

Readers Ask: How can I get my girl to try anal sex?

Okay as far as actually getting her to try it, I don’t really have any advice for you other than maybe printing out some pro-anal articles on anal sex to sort of calm her fears. I’m sure you can find some if you do a google search or something.

Pending she agrees to try this with you, the following is the easiest method of doing it for the first time, or if she hasn’t done it in a long time.

I’d like to mention first, that anal sex takes a LOT of relaxation, especially if the girl is scared about doing it or is uncomfortable, which is a given if it’s her first time, so don’t expect the entire process to be a 20 minute deal…and don’t forget to buy lube. Astroglide is pretty good and is found at most drugstores.

Okay, so, lay her on her back and make out with her a bit to get her in the mood. Slowly lick and kiss down her body and then bring her to orgasm (I’m assuming I don’t need to tell you how to do this)….however, when you’re going down on her, try using a little more saliva than usual.
Why? Because, when she’s on her back, the extra lube is going to drip down to her asshole and while she’s on her way to orgasm, the muscles in that area are going to expand and contract, meaning that her asshole is going to open a little bit and then close, causing some of the extra lube to find it’s way inside.

This makes it easier for you to GENTLY and SLOWLY insert your index finger inside. The best way to do this is to insert your finger to the first knuckle, then pull out half way, repeat about 3 or 4 times, but make sure you go no deeper than the first knuckle and keep licking her vagina so she’s more concentrating on that than your finger.

With each finger thrust, you’re adding extra lube from what’s dripping down her asscrack. Keep doing this, but go a little bit deeper each time. By the time she orgasms, you should have your entire index finger inside her, thrusting slowly.

And DO NOT EVER “double-dip”, meaning once that finger is inserted in her asshole, it does NOT under ANY circumstances, go into her vagina because that can cause some REALLY nasty infections.

Okay, so after she climaxes, tell her to lay on her stomach. Climb on top of her, lightly running your cock between her ass cheeks, whisper nice things in her ear (like, “I love you” if in fact, you do love her), then kiss the back of her neck. Make this as intimate and romantic as possible because it’s going to help her relax, and relaxation is the key ingredient to good anal sex.

Remember, if she has a bad experience the first time, she’s never going to do it again.

Gently massage her shoulders and back, kissing as you go downwards. When you get to her ass, massage it while gently stroking her asshole with lube on your fingers. Insert the index finger again with lots of lube (you can’t over-lube). Rub your cock up and down between her pussy lips and if the mood strikes you, penetrate her vagina, the extra lube in there is a good thing.

After you do that, lube up your cock and aim it at her asshole, giving a little bit of pressure, just inserting the tip, as you do this, run your fingers down her back lightly, again, so she’s sort of concentrating on that and not what’s going on around her butt because it’ll help her relax.

Use the same method with your cock as you did with your finger, insert a little bit, then pull out, but once you get the head in, don’t pull out all the way.

Once the head is in, it’s usually a good idea to add a bit more lube to the shaft while you’re still in her, because the skin absorbs it.

Following this method, you should expect complete penetration, with very very little pain on her part (pending she’s able to relax), after about 15 minutes. (It doesn’t take that long after you’ve both practiced with it a bit and if she’s into it.)

Just remember that anal sex isn’t something that can be rushed, and the asshole is different than the vagina, you can’t like, pound it as hard as you can with regular sex, especially not if the anus isn’t used to having things in there.

After fully penetrating the anus, thrust slowly at first and ask your girlfriend if it’s okay to go faster. Encourage her to play with herself while you’re fucking her if she’s the kind of girl that feels comfortable doing that during regular sex. (Personally, I find masturbating during anal sex amazing.)

As for cleanup, there’s not much if you use a condom. If you didn’t use a condom and came in her, expect her to immediately run to the bathroom and stay there for a while. You might want to plug your ears because air gets in there. Also, it really only takes a few minutes for her to vacate what you shot in there, but she’s going to still *feel* “full” even after it’s all out. Tell her that’s normal. It’s also normal for her anal muscles to feel a bit funny for about 24 hours after the first few times, that’s normal too. She’s not going to get prolapsed rectum or anything.

Someone once told to do it for the first time with her on her back. I disagree with this because she’s going to be more tense that way since it takes muscles to keep her legs spread wide enough for you to gain access to her anus, it takes no muscles to lay on her stomach and give you full access.

If she finds out that she didn’t mind it and is willing to try it again, I’d suggest sticking with the her on her stomach method for a while until you’re both more experienced with it, but eventually switch to having her on her back because it gives her easier access to her clit to play with herself or have you do it for her.

So yeah, there ya have it. Sunny’s Guide to Assfucking. Have fun & no double-dipping!

Posted at 7:05 pm in: Sex

Blowjobs 101

Readers Ask: How do I give a proper blowjob??

Well, there’s no “proper” way to give someone a blow job, I mean, blow jobs are like pizza, even if they’re bad, they’re still pretty good, according to the boys who helped me in my quest for the perfect blow job techniques. So ladies, (and guys, if you’re into that sort of thing), throw out your Cosmo magazines that are full of shit, pull up a chair & take notes.

First of all, think of the head of the penis like your very own clitoris. The clitoris and head of the penis have the exact same nerve endings and are made of the exact same tissue.

Now think about your tongue. It’s a muscle, and like all muscles it can be flexed or relaxed to create a soft or hard tongue. Ladies, you know what happens when a guy mashes your clit with a hard tongue right? The next thing you know, he’s prying you from the ceiling and you’re mumbling something about kicking him in the face next time. Well, the same thing goes for guys. Because the head of the penis is like your own clit, a soft tongue is recommended. In fact, if you look closely at an erect penis, there’s a small scar (if he’s cut) where the head and the shaft meet. (If he’s not cut, it’s where the pulled down foreskin attaches to the head.) Survey says that’s the ticket to bliss if it’s manipulated properly.

Okay, it’s easier to give a blow job if the guy’s already hard. If he’s not, stroke him until he’s hard and then go down on him. The first few mouth movements should be soft, sort of ease into it. If you don’t, he can get overly sensitive right away and we don’t want that.

First, swirl your tongue over the head, especially where the head meets the shaft, but don’t put too much pressure into it, use a “soft tongue”. After about 20 seconds of doing this, plunge down and take him as deep into your throat as you can, stiffening your tongue so it slides down the underside of the shaft.

While he’s as far down your throat as you’re comfortable with, move your tongue up and down the shaft, stick your tongue out as far as you can to lick the base of the penis (if you can get it that far) or his balls.

When you come back up, rapidly wiggle your tongue back and forth along the base. Repeat this whole process a few times and try not to giggle as he gasps every time you deep throat, try to do that part when you think he’s not expecting it so he’ll begin to anticipate it.

Remember while doing this that you have two hands as well as a mouth. Stroke his balls while you’re tonguing the head of his dick. Playing with the balls while giving head is also a good way of figuring out what he likes if your boy’s not very vocal. Typically the balls will sort of scrunch up a bit when something feels particularly good and they’ll scrunch up completely when he’s about to cum.

If you do the above techniques, he’s going to last longer usually, so if you’re getting tired or “cocksucker’s cramp” you might want to speed things up by doing the age old “bobbing” method. Guys seem to vary on their appreciation of the act because girls seem to go at it much too fast. I’ve found that if you go up and down the shaft with your mouth, it’s good practice to make ample use of your tongue at the same time by wiggling it back and forth. Also, instead of the standard up and down movement, really get into it and turn your head from side to side a bit, sort of like a corkscrew motion.

If you’re doing this in the light, make sure you look up at him a few times while you’re sucking him off because guys seem to really be into that.
So, you’ve got him to the point of blowing his load…you’ve got three options: swallow, spit, or hop on. Most guys prefer to have you swallow, but my research has shown that most guys would prefer you to hop on rather than spit if it comes down to that. It was pretty close though as far as who preferred spitting to hopping on, so that might be something to discuss with your boy at some point.

If you don’t like having cum in your mouth, there’s various ways to alter it’s taste, unfortunately, the texture’s always going to be the same. I know some girls who have grown accustomed to the taste of it but to be honest I have no advice on how to go about doing that other than practice. (Your mother always said practice makes perfect, prove her right and tell her about your achievements the next time you see her.)

I would also like to note that the male g-spot (which is actually called the “a-spot”, I learned that the other night watching the Discovery channel) is the prostate gland, which you can only get to by inserting your finger into his rectum and doing a ‘come here” motion with a finger or two, towards the front of him. Cosmo magazine will tell you to “sneak a finger in there” while you’re giving him head but the boys I talked to when researching this article begged me to put something in here about ASKING FIRST. Definitely discuss adding this practice to your foreplay routine before you end up having to coax your boy out from under the bed.

Good luck and happy sucking!

Posted at 6:51 pm in: Sex